King of the Hill s03e19 Episode Script
Hank's Cowboy Movie
1 DAD, ONLY TWO MORE INCHES TO WICHITA FALLS.
TWO-AND-A-QUARTER, BOBBY.
GOOD EYE, SON.
HEY, WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GET TO CORPUS CHRISTI? WELL, THE QUICKEST WAY IS STRAIGHT DOWN HERE BUT THE BEST WAY IS TO GO THROUGH ARLEN.
IT'S ONE OF GEORGE BUSH'S COMMUNITIES OF EXCELLENCE.
ARLEN, HUH? IS THAT WHERE YOU'RE HEADED? NO, SIR.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO WICHITA FALLS.
WE'RE GOING TO SEE THE TRAINING CAMP OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS.
THEY USED TO BE IN AUSTIN TILL, WELL, YOU KNOW.
BUT LIKE MY DAD SAYS, "COWBOYS WILL BE COWBOYS.
" ( nervous chuckle ) I SAY THAT IN PRIVATE, SON.
Man on P.
A.
: Welcome to Wichita Falls, training camp of the former world champion Dallas Cowboys.
YEAH! WAY TO GO, COWBOYS! IRVIN'S LOOKING GOOD THIS YEAR, HUH, DAD? YEP.
I'M GIVING HIM A A-MINUS.
I'M GIVING HIM A B-PLUS.
THAT GIVES HIM SOME ROOM TO IMPROVE.
GOOD IDEA, SON.
AND I'M GIVING TROY AIKMAN A B-PLUS, TOO.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY, BOBBY.
DAD, LOOK-- THEY FORGOT ONE OF THEIR FOOTBALLS.
SHH.
FOLLOW ME.
SWEET JETHRO PUGH.
THE SUPER BOWL HAS COME DOWN TO ONE PLAY.
FOURTH DOWN.
AIKMAN DROPS BACK TO PASS.
IRVIN HEADS FOR THE GOAL LINE ( whispering ): THAT'S YOU, BOBBY.
OH.
OKAY.
TROY'S UNDER PRESSURE.
HE FIRES INTO THE END ZONE AND HITS MICHAEL IRVIN FOR A TOUCHDOWN! ( grunts ): DANG.
UH HOLD ON A MINUTE.
UH, PASS INTERFERENCE! COWBOYS RETAIN POSSESSION! AND THEY RUN OUT THE CLOCK! UH TURNS OUT THEY WERE AHEAD ALL ALONG.
THE COWBOYS WIN THE SUPER BOWL! Both: THE COWBOYS WIN THE SUPER BOWL! THE COWBOYS WIN THE SUPER BOWL! WELL, HOORAY.
( gasps ) WHERE YOU GUYS FROM? ARLEN, TEXAS.
PIGTOWN.
YOU A PIG FARMER? UH, I THINK YOU'RE CONFUSED, SIR.
WE DON'T RAISE PIGS IN ARLEN, TEXAS.
WE PROCESS THEM.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU FOLKS MAKE THEM TINY BREAKFAST WIENIES.
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE NOW.
WOW, DID YOU JUST SEE THAT, DAD? HE ADDED AN EXTRA MOVE WHEN HE GAVE ME THE BLIZZARD.
AN EXTRA LITTLE TWIRL.
THEY DON'T DO THAT IN ARLEN.
WICHITA FALLS IS THE GREATEST PLACE I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE.
$1.
09.
WHAT? IN ARLEN, THEY'RE 99 CENTS.
IN ARLEN, IT'S NOT THE OFFICIAL BLENDED FROZEN DAIRY PRODUC OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS TRAINING CAMP.
( groans ) Hank: DA-DA-DA-LA-DA-DA DA-DA-DA-DA, STAMPEDE! GO, YOU DALLAS COWBOYS, GO HEY, DAD, LOOK.
OH.
( groans ) ( grunting ) Hank: WELL, I'LL BE DIPPED.
EXCUSE ME, WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE ASSISTANT MANAGER.
JEFF! THERE'S SOME GUYS OUT HERE.
DAMN IT ALL, JEFF JUNIOR! I WASN'T FINISHED WITH MY NAP.
HELLO THERE.
I'M HANK HILL, AND I SELL PROPANE AND PROPANE ACCESSORIES, TOO IN ARLEN, TEXAS.
I GOT TO SAY, I SURE ENVY YOU.
AFTER A HARD DAY'S WORK AT A JOB YOU LOVE YOU GET TO TAKE YOUR SON TO SEE THE COWBOYS.
I AM SO SICK OF YOU SOUTH TEXAS PIG JOCKEYS COMING IN HERE WAKING ME UP TO TELL ME "HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS?!" ARLEN STINKS AND WICHITA FALLS RULES AND YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE IN FIVE MINUTES I CAN BE INSIDE THE GREAT STATE OF OKLAHOMA.
GO SOONERS! WHAT? ( humming "Boomer Sooner" ) GO, SOONERS! GO, SOONERS! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! ( singing ) GO SOONERS! DA-DA-DA-DA-DA- DA-DA-DA-DA-DA, STAMPEDE! GO, DALLAS COWBOYS, GO DA-DA-DA-DA GO SOONERS! ( yelling and singing continues ) "MAGIC FINGERS.
" OOH, I LIKE MAGIC.
( vibrating ): I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WAN WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WAN I'LL TELL YOU ( gasps ) GET OFF OF THERE, BOBBY.
YOU'RE NOT 18.
THIS IS THE COOLEST BED I HAVE EVER SEEN.
THEY DON'T HAVE BEDS LIKE THIS IN ARLEN.
THEY CERTAINLY DO NOT.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN THE NIGHT STAND.
WHAT THE HECK IS THIS? THIS IS THE TAPE THAT WICHITA FALLS MADE TO SHOW HOW GREAT IT IS HERE AND THEY SENT IT TO THE COWBOYS AND THAT'S WHY THEY CAME.
DO YOU WANNA WATCH MY TAPE? Man: Wichita Falls is really excited about bringing the Dallas Cowboys to our city.
This North Texas town is a perfect spot for the training camp of the Dallas Cowboys.
NORTH TEXAS, MY FOOT.
IT'S MORE LIKE SOUTH OKLAHOMA.
WELL, WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, I LIKE IT MORE THAN PIGTOWN.
WHAT? NOW, YOU WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT RIGHT NOW WITH TWO OR THREE OF THOSE LITTLE SOAPS.
SHEESH.
I NEVER NOTICED WHAT A DUMP THIS TOWN IS BEFORE.
( sniffing ) WHAT'S THAT SMELL? UGH! UGH! I THINK I'M GOING TO THROW UP.
IT'S JUST THE SAUSAGE PLANT.
THAT SMELL MEANS JOBS, BOBBY.
( sniffing ) Announcer: The state-of-the-art mall is anchored by Dillard's and J.
C.
Penney, and our restaurants include both Chili's and Bennigan's.
WELL, BOBBY SURE HAD A GOOD TIME ON YOUR TRIP.
( sighs ) YEAH.
TOO GOOD.
NOW HE'S DOWN ON HIS HOMETOWN.
ALL HIS DREAMS FROM NOW ON ARE GOING TO BE ABOUT LEAVING.
AND THEN SOME HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR IS GOING TO TELL HIM TO FOLLOW HIS DREAMS.
THEN HOW WILL HE END UP? A FRUIT PIE SALESMAN WITH A WHOOPEE CUSHION LIVING IN WICHITA FALLS.
HANK, IT'S HAPPENING TO THE BEST OF OUR YOUNG PEOPLE.
THERE IS NOTHING HERE FOR THEM.
LAST WEEK, TWO SIXTH-GRADERS TOLD ME THEY WANTED TO BE ASTRONAUTS.
YOU CAN'T FIND WORK AS AN ASTRONAUT IN ARLEN, HANK.
MM-MMM.
NOT ANYMORE.
( sad sigh ) I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HIRE SOME TEENAGERS AT STRICKLAND FOR MONTHS.
NO ONE WANTS TO BE A TANK-WIPE THESE DAYS.
Hank: AND THE PROBLEM IS OUR KIDS ARE LEAVING.
HANK IS RIGHT.
IF ALL THE CHILDREN LEAVE ARLEN THERE WILL BE NO YOUNG TO TAKE CARE OF OUR OLD.
OUR OLD WILL FEED OFF OUR VERY OLD.
OUR VERY OLD WHO ARE NOT EATEN WILL WISH THEY HAD BEEN EATEN.
UH, DALE, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
NOT IF WE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
WE ARE GOING TO KEEP OUR YOUNG PEOPLE BY BRINGING THE DALLAS COWBOYS TRAINING CAMP TO ARLEN.
( gasping ) I KNOW IT'S A LONG SHO BUT WHAT IF WE MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT ARLEN AND SEND IT TO THE COWBOYS? DO YOU REALLY THINK WE CAN MAKE A MOVIE, HANK? I KNOW WE CAN.
WE USED TO MAKE MOVIES ALL THE TIME.
REMEMBER, DALE? YOU PRACTICALLY SLEPT WITH THAT LITTLE CAMCORDER.
PRACTICALLY? I WAS GOING TO BE THE NEXT ZAPRUDER.
EXCEPT NOBODY SHOT A PRESIDENT AFTER THAT.
NOBODY WHO KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING.
SUGS, AS A PROFESSIONAL ON-AIR PERSONALITY I WOULD BE GLAD TO DONATE MY SERVICES.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BRANCH OU FROM WEATHER TO HARD INFO-TAINMENT.
UH-HUH, AND EVERY GOOD MOVIE STARTS WITH WITH WHAT? A GOOD SCRIPT.
YEAH.
PASS THE SALT, PLEASE.
HEY, PEGGY, YOU'RE A WRITER.
YOU COULD WRITE THE SCRIPT.
ME? WELL ALL RIGHT.
I WILL DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF ARLEN.
I WILL BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE MOVIE.
TELL YOU WHAT, MAN.
ALL YOU NEED, MAN GET ONE OF THEM DANG OL' NARRATORS, MAN YOU GONNA ACTORS LIKE THE MOVIE TRAILER GUY MAN, GO LIKE "IN A WORLD WHERE LOVE IS AGAINST THE LAW" YOU KNOW, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YEAH.
OR, UH, WE COULD PUT YOU IN AN ARMADILLO SUIT.
BILL, YOU'LL BE IN CHARGE OF SNACKS.
( gasps ) THIS CALLS FOR SOPAPILLAS! ALL RIGHT! YEAH! HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS? SOPAPILLAS FOR EVERYONE! IN WICHITA FALLS, THIS BUTTON DOESN'T STICK.
WELCOME, JERRY JONES.
I'M NANCY HICKS-GRIBBLE, AND I'LL BE YOUR TOUR GUIDE ON A MAGICAL JOURNEY THROUGH ARLEN, TEXAS-- THE NEXT TRAINING CAMP SITE OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS.
SHARKS MAY BE SCARY, AS IS THE SPEAR-LIKE MARLIN BUT FEAR NOT, JERRY, FOR LANDLOCKED ARLEN IS DARLIN'.
Hank: CUT! ( singsong voice ): WE'RE GOING TO GET THE COWBOYS.
LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES, DALE.
NOW, I NOTICED YOU WERE JIGGLING THE CAMERA A BIT.
WE REALLY DON'T NEED ANY FANCY CAMERA TRICKS.
JUST POINT AND SHOOT.
GOTCHA.
CONSIDER ME A HUMAN TRIPOD WITH AN INVISIBLE THIRD LEG.
Nancy: LIKE YOU COWBOYS ARLENITES ARE RUGGED INDIVIDUALISTS.
WE ARE DO-IT-YOURSELFERS, FOR YOUR INFORMATION.
THAT'S D.
I.
Y.
, F.
Y.
I.
ONE MORE REASON ARLEN IS DARLIN'.
CUT! OKAY THAT WAS WRITTEN OKAY AND ACTED PRETTY GOOD BUT IT NEEDS, UH IT NEEDS HMM, LET ME THINK ABOUT THIS.
UH HUH.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT AGAIN, MAYBE A LITTLE BETTER THIS TIME.
I DON'T CARE WHAT HANK SAYS, SUG I THINK YOUR SCRIPT IS JUST WONDERFUL.
( laughing ): WELL THANK YOU, NANCY.
I GOT THAT RHYMING IDEA FROM CHARLES KURALT.
OR WAS IT CHARLES OSGOOD? WAIT.
WHICH ONE WAS THE ONE WITH THE MISTRESS AND THE WINNEBAGO? OH, THEY ALL FOOL AROUND, SUG.
ANYWAY, YOUR SCRIPT IS BRILLIANT.
I WOULDN'T CHANGE A WORD.
WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTION I YOU DID CHANGE ONE TEENY LITTLE WORD.
REALLY? DID I? YES.
YOU SAID "ARLENITES" INSTEAD OF "ARLENIANS.
" OH.
THAT'S THE CHANNEL 84 PREFERRED TERM FOR RESIDENTS OF ARLEN.
WELL, TECHNICALLY, RESIDENTS OF ARLEN ARE CALLED "ARLENIANS.
" AS A SUBSTITUTE EDUCATOR, I WOULD KNOW THAT.
( chuckling ) WELL, YOU'RE THE WRITER, SUG.
I'M JUST THE PROFESSIONAL TELEVISION PERSONALITY.
Like you Cowboys, Arlenites I'M DUCT-TAPING YOUR ZOOM.
D-OHH Boomhauer: HEY, MAN, OL' HEAT RASH, MAN THAT DANG OL', THAT DANG OL' HOT DANG OL' HUMAN HOT HOUSE IN HERE, MAN.
( sighs ) BOOMHAUER, WE'LL GET TO YOU TOMORROW, I PROMISE.
( muttering ) THANK YOU, MAN.
GOSH, I DON'T KNOW WHO'S SWEATING MORE ME OR THE CHEESE.
Bobby: YOU LOOK TIRED, DAD.
I GUESS IT'S HARD TO GET ENOUGH RES WHEN YOU'RE PRESIDENTING A FILM.
YUP.
SEE, I'M GOING TO DO A BIG SHOT FROM UP HERE.
DO YOU REALLY THINK THE COWBOYS WOULD MOVE TO ARLEN? I SURE DO, SON.
IMAGINE WHAT IT'LL BE LIKE.
WE'LL GO TO GET AUTOGRAPHS AND TROY AIKMAN'LL TOSS THE BALL AROUND WITH YOU, AND I WISH I COULD'VE HAD DANDY DON MEREDITH OR ROGER STAUBACH THROWING ME PASSES WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE.
EVEN CRAIG MORTON WOULD'VE BEEN ALL RIGHT.
I LOVE YOU, BOBBY.
WHAT? UH NOTHING.
HEY, LOOK AT THAT BIRD.
DALE, STOP PUTTING YOUR BUG TRUCK IN THE BACKGROUND OF ALL THE SHOTS.
WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE ARE WE SENDING? ARLEN IS FULL OF BUGS? YOU THINK THAT'S ALL I DO? I KILLED EIGHT GOPHERS LAST YEAR AND A PUREBRED TENNESSEE WALKING HORSE THAT WAS LOOKING AT ME FUNNY.
DID YOU KNOW THAT THAT PRIMA DONNA HAD THE GALL TO SUGGES CHANGING MY SLOGAN FROM "ARLEN IS DARLIN'" TO "ARLEN, WHERE SUPER BOWLS ARE BORN"? "WHERE SUPER BOWLS ARE BORN.
" HUH.
WHERE IS NANCY, ANYWAY? WELL, MISS PRISS IS POUTING IN HER TRAILER.
SHE WON'T DO MY SNAKE SCENE.
( sighs ) THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, JOHN REDCORN.
NANCY WON'T COME OUT OF THE BUG-A-BAGO.
NANCY HAS A HEADACHE AND REQUIRES TREATMENT.
I WILL NEED ABOUT AN HOUR.
AND A BOTTLE OF ASTI SPUMANTE.
I'LL GET IT.
THAT'S IT.
YOU HAVE PAMPERED THAT WOMAN LONG ENOUGH.
PUT ME ON CAMERA RIGHT THIS SECOND.
COME ON, COME ON.
THE SNAKES AND I ARE READY TO GO.
UH, MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE JOHN REDCORN A FEW MORE MINUTES.
( makes whooshing sound ) DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? NO.
LET ME TELL YOU.
THAT IS THE SOUND OF ARLEN'S FUTURE GOING RIGHT DOWN THE TOILET.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHOSE BUTT IS ON THAT SEAT? WELL, IT'S YOURS, HANK.
IT'S YOUR BUTT.
DALE, GET THE CAMERA.
Hank: OKAY, WE'RE ROLLING.
NOW, JUST TRY TO RELAX AND REMEMBER-- ALL THE COWBOYS WILL BE WATCHING YOU.
( nervously ): IT'S FEEDING TIME HERE AT THE WORLD FAMOUS ARLEN SNAKE FARM.
YOU COWBOYS HAVE A LOT IN COMMON WITH THESE HUNGRY VIPERS.
THEY DEVOUR RODENTS JUST THE WAY YOU DEVOUR OPPONENTS.
Hank: TIME OUT.
UH THAT WAS, UH UH OH, LOOK, HERE'S NANCY NOW.
HEH.
UH, NANCY PEGGY WAS JUST, UH, STANDING IN FOR YOU.
NOW, HONEY, IF YOU'LL JUST, UH, STEP ASIDE.
NANCY, WHY DON'T WE DO THIS ONE WITH YOUR NEW SLOGAN-- "ARLEN, WHERE SUPER BOWLS ARE BORN"? OH, I'LL SAY MY SLOGAN, SUG BUT I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT LITTLE MOUSE.
( chuckling ): OH YES, YOU ARE.
( screams ) ( yelling ) GET HIM OFF! ( yelling gibberish ) ( mice squeaking ) ( screaming ) ( Dale yelling ) GET OFF MY CHEESE! GET STOP CUT! BOBBY, HELP ME SAVE THE CHEESE! CUT! CUT IT OUT! ( whimpering ) ( chattering ) I QUIT! PEGGY, IF YOU'VE EVER LOVED THE COWBOYS APOLOGIZE TO HER! SHE SAID "ARLENITE.
" IT'S "ARLENIAN!" "ARLENIAN!" ARLENIAN!" EITHER I GET AN APOLOGY, OR GUESS WHAT? I QUIT.
WELL, YOU JUST QUIT, SUG.
( crying ) THEN I QUIT! IF PEGGY QUITS, I QUIT.
OH, MAN, OL' ( grunting ) MAN, I QUIT.
HANK, YOU HAVE BULLYRAGGED THIS PRODUCTION AND STIFLED MY CREATIVITY FROM DAY ONE.
IT IS NOW DAY TWO.
I QUIT.
WHAT ABOUT THE COWBOYS? THE COWBOYS! IT'S OKAY, DAD.
WE WERE CRAZY TO TRY AND COMPETE WITH WICHITA FALLS.
I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN.
HELLO, JERRY JONES.
I'M HANK HILL, AND I'LL BE YOUR QUARTERBACK ON A GAME-WINNING DRIVE THROUGH ARLEN, TEXAS-- THE NEXT TRAINING CAMP SITE OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS.
I'M STANDING AT THE 50-YARD LINE OF TUT RAMPY FIELD-- THE FUTURE SITE OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS' TRAINING CAMP.
YOU SEE? YOU'RE JUST A DOT AT THIS DISTANCE.
YEAH, SO EDIT IT BIGGER.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
HANK, I'M THE BEST UHF EDITOR IN TEXAS BUT I CAN'T WORK MIRACLES.
YOU'VE GOT NO MASTER SHOT, YOU'VE CROSSED THE ACTION AXIS THE SOUND'S HORRIBLE I GUESS THAT WAS ALL MY RESPONSIBILITY AS PRESIDENT.
( sighs ) ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GET MY SON TO LOVE THIS TOWN AS MUCH AS I DO.
WHERE DID I GO WRONG, TOM? WHERE? DAD'S TALKING TO THE TOM LANDRY PLATE AGAIN.
HELLO, NANCY.
IT'S PEGGY, AND I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU ONE ARLENITE TO ANOTHER.
NO.
I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID ARLENIAN.
THAT'S WHY THIS IS AN APOLOGY.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, LET'S JUST AGREE TO DISAGREE.
NOW, I'M GOING TO NEED TO BORROW YOUR HOME MOVIES.
DAVE, I HEAR YOU'RE THE BEST TELEVISION EDITOR IN ALL OF TEXAS.
UH, UHF.
Peggy: THE REASON I'VE CALLED YOU ALL HERE IS TO SHOW YOU A VIDEO WHICH WE WILL BE SENDING TO THE DALLAS COWBOYS TOMORROW MORNING.
IT WAS MADE OVER THE YEARS BY EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US.
Bill: AND, AND THAT'S AFTER HAVING TWO CHICKENS! ( laughing ): BOY WAS I DRUNK.
Bobby: LOOK HOW SMOOTH MY BOTTOM WAS.
Hank: BOBBY! ( laughing ) Dale: AH ( Hank chuckles ) YOU KNOW, I MADE THAT BARBECUE OUT OF TWO OLD BARBECUES.
( chuckling ) ( sighs ) ( Bobby laughing ) ( laughing ) ( singsong voice ): WE'RE GOING TO GET THE COWBOYS.
WE'RE GOING TO GET THE COWBOYS.
HEY, DAD.
HELLO, BOBBY.
WELL, THE COWBOYS THANKED US FOR THE VIDEO BUT THEY HAVE NO PLANS TO MOVE TO ARLEN IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
AND THEY SENT US A LITTLE RUBBER FOOTBALL.
SO, UH I GUESS THIS MEANS YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE US WHEN YOU GROW UP, HUH? YEAH, I'LL PROBABLY LEAVE, BUT IT'S NOT FOR A WHILE, DAD.
I'M ONLY 12.
WE'VE STILL GOT PLENTY OF TIME TOGETHER.
YEAH.
AND EVEN AFTER YOU MOVE WICHITA FALLS IS ONLY A SIX-HOUR DRIVE.
I CAN'T BE A PROP COMIC IN WICHITA FALLS.
I'M MOVING TO NEW YORK CITY OR HOLLYWOOD.
MAYBE VEGAS.
( groans ) WELL, AT LEAST IT'S NOT WICHITA FALLS.
WELL, I MAY KEEP A PLACE THERE FOR TAX PURPOSES.
HEY, YOU WANT TO TRY THE LITTLE FOOTBALL? ALL RIGHT.
HIKE IT TO ME AND GO OUT FOR A PASS.
HOW ABOUT YOU HIKE THE BALL AND GO OUT FOR THE PASS? THE CROWD IS GOING WILD.
( imitates crowd cheering ) ROGER STAUBACH GOES BACK TO PASS.
ROGER'S IN TROUBLE.
HE SCRAMBLES ROGER THE DODGER GETS AWAY.
HE THROWS INTO THE END ZONE IT'S COMPLETE TO MY DAD, HANK HILL! TOUCHDOWN! THE COWBOYS WIN THE SUPER BOWL! THE COWBOYS WIN THE SUPER BOWL! GO! GO! DALLAS COWBOYS! IT'S THE GO TEAM OF THE SENIOR PROS LET THE WHOLE WORLD HEAR OUR BUGLES BLOW STAND UP! ( bugles blowing ) STAMPEDE! GO, YOU DALLAS COWBOYS GO! Hank: SWEET JETHRO PUGH.
TWO-AND-A-QUARTER, BOBBY.
GOOD EYE, SON.
HEY, WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GET TO CORPUS CHRISTI? WELL, THE QUICKEST WAY IS STRAIGHT DOWN HERE BUT THE BEST WAY IS TO GO THROUGH ARLEN.
IT'S ONE OF GEORGE BUSH'S COMMUNITIES OF EXCELLENCE.
ARLEN, HUH? IS THAT WHERE YOU'RE HEADED? NO, SIR.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO WICHITA FALLS.
WE'RE GOING TO SEE THE TRAINING CAMP OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS.
THEY USED TO BE IN AUSTIN TILL, WELL, YOU KNOW.
BUT LIKE MY DAD SAYS, "COWBOYS WILL BE COWBOYS.
" ( nervous chuckle ) I SAY THAT IN PRIVATE, SON.
Man on P.
A.
: Welcome to Wichita Falls, training camp of the former world champion Dallas Cowboys.
YEAH! WAY TO GO, COWBOYS! IRVIN'S LOOKING GOOD THIS YEAR, HUH, DAD? YEP.
I'M GIVING HIM A A-MINUS.
I'M GIVING HIM A B-PLUS.
THAT GIVES HIM SOME ROOM TO IMPROVE.
GOOD IDEA, SON.
AND I'M GIVING TROY AIKMAN A B-PLUS, TOO.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY, BOBBY.
DAD, LOOK-- THEY FORGOT ONE OF THEIR FOOTBALLS.
SHH.
FOLLOW ME.
SWEET JETHRO PUGH.
THE SUPER BOWL HAS COME DOWN TO ONE PLAY.
FOURTH DOWN.
AIKMAN DROPS BACK TO PASS.
IRVIN HEADS FOR THE GOAL LINE ( whispering ): THAT'S YOU, BOBBY.
OH.
OKAY.
TROY'S UNDER PRESSURE.
HE FIRES INTO THE END ZONE AND HITS MICHAEL IRVIN FOR A TOUCHDOWN! ( grunts ): DANG.
UH HOLD ON A MINUTE.
UH, PASS INTERFERENCE! COWBOYS RETAIN POSSESSION! AND THEY RUN OUT THE CLOCK! UH TURNS OUT THEY WERE AHEAD ALL ALONG.
THE COWBOYS WIN THE SUPER BOWL! Both: THE COWBOYS WIN THE SUPER BOWL! THE COWBOYS WIN THE SUPER BOWL! WELL, HOORAY.
( gasps ) WHERE YOU GUYS FROM? ARLEN, TEXAS.
PIGTOWN.
YOU A PIG FARMER? UH, I THINK YOU'RE CONFUSED, SIR.
WE DON'T RAISE PIGS IN ARLEN, TEXAS.
WE PROCESS THEM.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU FOLKS MAKE THEM TINY BREAKFAST WIENIES.
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE NOW.
WOW, DID YOU JUST SEE THAT, DAD? HE ADDED AN EXTRA MOVE WHEN HE GAVE ME THE BLIZZARD.
AN EXTRA LITTLE TWIRL.
THEY DON'T DO THAT IN ARLEN.
WICHITA FALLS IS THE GREATEST PLACE I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE.
$1.
09.
WHAT? IN ARLEN, THEY'RE 99 CENTS.
IN ARLEN, IT'S NOT THE OFFICIAL BLENDED FROZEN DAIRY PRODUC OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS TRAINING CAMP.
( groans ) Hank: DA-DA-DA-LA-DA-DA DA-DA-DA-DA, STAMPEDE! GO, YOU DALLAS COWBOYS, GO HEY, DAD, LOOK.
OH.
( groans ) ( grunting ) Hank: WELL, I'LL BE DIPPED.
EXCUSE ME, WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE ASSISTANT MANAGER.
JEFF! THERE'S SOME GUYS OUT HERE.
DAMN IT ALL, JEFF JUNIOR! I WASN'T FINISHED WITH MY NAP.
HELLO THERE.
I'M HANK HILL, AND I SELL PROPANE AND PROPANE ACCESSORIES, TOO IN ARLEN, TEXAS.
I GOT TO SAY, I SURE ENVY YOU.
AFTER A HARD DAY'S WORK AT A JOB YOU LOVE YOU GET TO TAKE YOUR SON TO SEE THE COWBOYS.
I AM SO SICK OF YOU SOUTH TEXAS PIG JOCKEYS COMING IN HERE WAKING ME UP TO TELL ME "HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS?!" ARLEN STINKS AND WICHITA FALLS RULES AND YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE IN FIVE MINUTES I CAN BE INSIDE THE GREAT STATE OF OKLAHOMA.
GO SOONERS! WHAT? ( humming "Boomer Sooner" ) GO, SOONERS! GO, SOONERS! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! ( singing ) GO SOONERS! DA-DA-DA-DA-DA- DA-DA-DA-DA-DA, STAMPEDE! GO, DALLAS COWBOYS, GO DA-DA-DA-DA GO SOONERS! ( yelling and singing continues ) "MAGIC FINGERS.
" OOH, I LIKE MAGIC.
( vibrating ): I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WAN WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WAN I'LL TELL YOU ( gasps ) GET OFF OF THERE, BOBBY.
YOU'RE NOT 18.
THIS IS THE COOLEST BED I HAVE EVER SEEN.
THEY DON'T HAVE BEDS LIKE THIS IN ARLEN.
THEY CERTAINLY DO NOT.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN THE NIGHT STAND.
WHAT THE HECK IS THIS? THIS IS THE TAPE THAT WICHITA FALLS MADE TO SHOW HOW GREAT IT IS HERE AND THEY SENT IT TO THE COWBOYS AND THAT'S WHY THEY CAME.
DO YOU WANNA WATCH MY TAPE? Man: Wichita Falls is really excited about bringing the Dallas Cowboys to our city.
This North Texas town is a perfect spot for the training camp of the Dallas Cowboys.
NORTH TEXAS, MY FOOT.
IT'S MORE LIKE SOUTH OKLAHOMA.
WELL, WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, I LIKE IT MORE THAN PIGTOWN.
WHAT? NOW, YOU WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT RIGHT NOW WITH TWO OR THREE OF THOSE LITTLE SOAPS.
SHEESH.
I NEVER NOTICED WHAT A DUMP THIS TOWN IS BEFORE.
( sniffing ) WHAT'S THAT SMELL? UGH! UGH! I THINK I'M GOING TO THROW UP.
IT'S JUST THE SAUSAGE PLANT.
THAT SMELL MEANS JOBS, BOBBY.
( sniffing ) Announcer: The state-of-the-art mall is anchored by Dillard's and J.
C.
Penney, and our restaurants include both Chili's and Bennigan's.
WELL, BOBBY SURE HAD A GOOD TIME ON YOUR TRIP.
( sighs ) YEAH.
TOO GOOD.
NOW HE'S DOWN ON HIS HOMETOWN.
ALL HIS DREAMS FROM NOW ON ARE GOING TO BE ABOUT LEAVING.
AND THEN SOME HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR IS GOING TO TELL HIM TO FOLLOW HIS DREAMS.
THEN HOW WILL HE END UP? A FRUIT PIE SALESMAN WITH A WHOOPEE CUSHION LIVING IN WICHITA FALLS.
HANK, IT'S HAPPENING TO THE BEST OF OUR YOUNG PEOPLE.
THERE IS NOTHING HERE FOR THEM.
LAST WEEK, TWO SIXTH-GRADERS TOLD ME THEY WANTED TO BE ASTRONAUTS.
YOU CAN'T FIND WORK AS AN ASTRONAUT IN ARLEN, HANK.
MM-MMM.
NOT ANYMORE.
( sad sigh ) I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HIRE SOME TEENAGERS AT STRICKLAND FOR MONTHS.
NO ONE WANTS TO BE A TANK-WIPE THESE DAYS.
Hank: AND THE PROBLEM IS OUR KIDS ARE LEAVING.
HANK IS RIGHT.
IF ALL THE CHILDREN LEAVE ARLEN THERE WILL BE NO YOUNG TO TAKE CARE OF OUR OLD.
OUR OLD WILL FEED OFF OUR VERY OLD.
OUR VERY OLD WHO ARE NOT EATEN WILL WISH THEY HAD BEEN EATEN.
UH, DALE, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
NOT IF WE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
WE ARE GOING TO KEEP OUR YOUNG PEOPLE BY BRINGING THE DALLAS COWBOYS TRAINING CAMP TO ARLEN.
( gasping ) I KNOW IT'S A LONG SHO BUT WHAT IF WE MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT ARLEN AND SEND IT TO THE COWBOYS? DO YOU REALLY THINK WE CAN MAKE A MOVIE, HANK? I KNOW WE CAN.
WE USED TO MAKE MOVIES ALL THE TIME.
REMEMBER, DALE? YOU PRACTICALLY SLEPT WITH THAT LITTLE CAMCORDER.
PRACTICALLY? I WAS GOING TO BE THE NEXT ZAPRUDER.
EXCEPT NOBODY SHOT A PRESIDENT AFTER THAT.
NOBODY WHO KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING.
SUGS, AS A PROFESSIONAL ON-AIR PERSONALITY I WOULD BE GLAD TO DONATE MY SERVICES.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BRANCH OU FROM WEATHER TO HARD INFO-TAINMENT.
UH-HUH, AND EVERY GOOD MOVIE STARTS WITH WITH WHAT? A GOOD SCRIPT.
YEAH.
PASS THE SALT, PLEASE.
HEY, PEGGY, YOU'RE A WRITER.
YOU COULD WRITE THE SCRIPT.
ME? WELL ALL RIGHT.
I WILL DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF ARLEN.
I WILL BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE MOVIE.
TELL YOU WHAT, MAN.
ALL YOU NEED, MAN GET ONE OF THEM DANG OL' NARRATORS, MAN YOU GONNA ACTORS LIKE THE MOVIE TRAILER GUY MAN, GO LIKE "IN A WORLD WHERE LOVE IS AGAINST THE LAW" YOU KNOW, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YEAH.
OR, UH, WE COULD PUT YOU IN AN ARMADILLO SUIT.
BILL, YOU'LL BE IN CHARGE OF SNACKS.
( gasps ) THIS CALLS FOR SOPAPILLAS! ALL RIGHT! YEAH! HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS? SOPAPILLAS FOR EVERYONE! IN WICHITA FALLS, THIS BUTTON DOESN'T STICK.
WELCOME, JERRY JONES.
I'M NANCY HICKS-GRIBBLE, AND I'LL BE YOUR TOUR GUIDE ON A MAGICAL JOURNEY THROUGH ARLEN, TEXAS-- THE NEXT TRAINING CAMP SITE OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS.
SHARKS MAY BE SCARY, AS IS THE SPEAR-LIKE MARLIN BUT FEAR NOT, JERRY, FOR LANDLOCKED ARLEN IS DARLIN'.
Hank: CUT! ( singsong voice ): WE'RE GOING TO GET THE COWBOYS.
LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES, DALE.
NOW, I NOTICED YOU WERE JIGGLING THE CAMERA A BIT.
WE REALLY DON'T NEED ANY FANCY CAMERA TRICKS.
JUST POINT AND SHOOT.
GOTCHA.
CONSIDER ME A HUMAN TRIPOD WITH AN INVISIBLE THIRD LEG.
Nancy: LIKE YOU COWBOYS ARLENITES ARE RUGGED INDIVIDUALISTS.
WE ARE DO-IT-YOURSELFERS, FOR YOUR INFORMATION.
THAT'S D.
I.
Y.
, F.
Y.
I.
ONE MORE REASON ARLEN IS DARLIN'.
CUT! OKAY THAT WAS WRITTEN OKAY AND ACTED PRETTY GOOD BUT IT NEEDS, UH IT NEEDS HMM, LET ME THINK ABOUT THIS.
UH HUH.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT AGAIN, MAYBE A LITTLE BETTER THIS TIME.
I DON'T CARE WHAT HANK SAYS, SUG I THINK YOUR SCRIPT IS JUST WONDERFUL.
( laughing ): WELL THANK YOU, NANCY.
I GOT THAT RHYMING IDEA FROM CHARLES KURALT.
OR WAS IT CHARLES OSGOOD? WAIT.
WHICH ONE WAS THE ONE WITH THE MISTRESS AND THE WINNEBAGO? OH, THEY ALL FOOL AROUND, SUG.
ANYWAY, YOUR SCRIPT IS BRILLIANT.
I WOULDN'T CHANGE A WORD.
WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTION I YOU DID CHANGE ONE TEENY LITTLE WORD.
REALLY? DID I? YES.
YOU SAID "ARLENITES" INSTEAD OF "ARLENIANS.
" OH.
THAT'S THE CHANNEL 84 PREFERRED TERM FOR RESIDENTS OF ARLEN.
WELL, TECHNICALLY, RESIDENTS OF ARLEN ARE CALLED "ARLENIANS.
" AS A SUBSTITUTE EDUCATOR, I WOULD KNOW THAT.
( chuckling ) WELL, YOU'RE THE WRITER, SUG.
I'M JUST THE PROFESSIONAL TELEVISION PERSONALITY.
Like you Cowboys, Arlenites I'M DUCT-TAPING YOUR ZOOM.
D-OHH Boomhauer: HEY, MAN, OL' HEAT RASH, MAN THAT DANG OL', THAT DANG OL' HOT DANG OL' HUMAN HOT HOUSE IN HERE, MAN.
( sighs ) BOOMHAUER, WE'LL GET TO YOU TOMORROW, I PROMISE.
( muttering ) THANK YOU, MAN.
GOSH, I DON'T KNOW WHO'S SWEATING MORE ME OR THE CHEESE.
Bobby: YOU LOOK TIRED, DAD.
I GUESS IT'S HARD TO GET ENOUGH RES WHEN YOU'RE PRESIDENTING A FILM.
YUP.
SEE, I'M GOING TO DO A BIG SHOT FROM UP HERE.
DO YOU REALLY THINK THE COWBOYS WOULD MOVE TO ARLEN? I SURE DO, SON.
IMAGINE WHAT IT'LL BE LIKE.
WE'LL GO TO GET AUTOGRAPHS AND TROY AIKMAN'LL TOSS THE BALL AROUND WITH YOU, AND I WISH I COULD'VE HAD DANDY DON MEREDITH OR ROGER STAUBACH THROWING ME PASSES WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE.
EVEN CRAIG MORTON WOULD'VE BEEN ALL RIGHT.
I LOVE YOU, BOBBY.
WHAT? UH NOTHING.
HEY, LOOK AT THAT BIRD.
DALE, STOP PUTTING YOUR BUG TRUCK IN THE BACKGROUND OF ALL THE SHOTS.
WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE ARE WE SENDING? ARLEN IS FULL OF BUGS? YOU THINK THAT'S ALL I DO? I KILLED EIGHT GOPHERS LAST YEAR AND A PUREBRED TENNESSEE WALKING HORSE THAT WAS LOOKING AT ME FUNNY.
DID YOU KNOW THAT THAT PRIMA DONNA HAD THE GALL TO SUGGES CHANGING MY SLOGAN FROM "ARLEN IS DARLIN'" TO "ARLEN, WHERE SUPER BOWLS ARE BORN"? "WHERE SUPER BOWLS ARE BORN.
" HUH.
WHERE IS NANCY, ANYWAY? WELL, MISS PRISS IS POUTING IN HER TRAILER.
SHE WON'T DO MY SNAKE SCENE.
( sighs ) THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, JOHN REDCORN.
NANCY WON'T COME OUT OF THE BUG-A-BAGO.
NANCY HAS A HEADACHE AND REQUIRES TREATMENT.
I WILL NEED ABOUT AN HOUR.
AND A BOTTLE OF ASTI SPUMANTE.
I'LL GET IT.
THAT'S IT.
YOU HAVE PAMPERED THAT WOMAN LONG ENOUGH.
PUT ME ON CAMERA RIGHT THIS SECOND.
COME ON, COME ON.
THE SNAKES AND I ARE READY TO GO.
UH, MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE JOHN REDCORN A FEW MORE MINUTES.
( makes whooshing sound ) DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? NO.
LET ME TELL YOU.
THAT IS THE SOUND OF ARLEN'S FUTURE GOING RIGHT DOWN THE TOILET.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHOSE BUTT IS ON THAT SEAT? WELL, IT'S YOURS, HANK.
IT'S YOUR BUTT.
DALE, GET THE CAMERA.
Hank: OKAY, WE'RE ROLLING.
NOW, JUST TRY TO RELAX AND REMEMBER-- ALL THE COWBOYS WILL BE WATCHING YOU.
( nervously ): IT'S FEEDING TIME HERE AT THE WORLD FAMOUS ARLEN SNAKE FARM.
YOU COWBOYS HAVE A LOT IN COMMON WITH THESE HUNGRY VIPERS.
THEY DEVOUR RODENTS JUST THE WAY YOU DEVOUR OPPONENTS.
Hank: TIME OUT.
UH THAT WAS, UH UH OH, LOOK, HERE'S NANCY NOW.
HEH.
UH, NANCY PEGGY WAS JUST, UH, STANDING IN FOR YOU.
NOW, HONEY, IF YOU'LL JUST, UH, STEP ASIDE.
NANCY, WHY DON'T WE DO THIS ONE WITH YOUR NEW SLOGAN-- "ARLEN, WHERE SUPER BOWLS ARE BORN"? OH, I'LL SAY MY SLOGAN, SUG BUT I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT LITTLE MOUSE.
( chuckling ): OH YES, YOU ARE.
( screams ) ( yelling ) GET HIM OFF! ( yelling gibberish ) ( mice squeaking ) ( screaming ) ( Dale yelling ) GET OFF MY CHEESE! GET STOP CUT! BOBBY, HELP ME SAVE THE CHEESE! CUT! CUT IT OUT! ( whimpering ) ( chattering ) I QUIT! PEGGY, IF YOU'VE EVER LOVED THE COWBOYS APOLOGIZE TO HER! SHE SAID "ARLENITE.
" IT'S "ARLENIAN!" "ARLENIAN!" ARLENIAN!" EITHER I GET AN APOLOGY, OR GUESS WHAT? I QUIT.
WELL, YOU JUST QUIT, SUG.
( crying ) THEN I QUIT! IF PEGGY QUITS, I QUIT.
OH, MAN, OL' ( grunting ) MAN, I QUIT.
HANK, YOU HAVE BULLYRAGGED THIS PRODUCTION AND STIFLED MY CREATIVITY FROM DAY ONE.
IT IS NOW DAY TWO.
I QUIT.
WHAT ABOUT THE COWBOYS? THE COWBOYS! IT'S OKAY, DAD.
WE WERE CRAZY TO TRY AND COMPETE WITH WICHITA FALLS.
I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN.
HELLO, JERRY JONES.
I'M HANK HILL, AND I'LL BE YOUR QUARTERBACK ON A GAME-WINNING DRIVE THROUGH ARLEN, TEXAS-- THE NEXT TRAINING CAMP SITE OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS.
I'M STANDING AT THE 50-YARD LINE OF TUT RAMPY FIELD-- THE FUTURE SITE OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS' TRAINING CAMP.
YOU SEE? YOU'RE JUST A DOT AT THIS DISTANCE.
YEAH, SO EDIT IT BIGGER.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
HANK, I'M THE BEST UHF EDITOR IN TEXAS BUT I CAN'T WORK MIRACLES.
YOU'VE GOT NO MASTER SHOT, YOU'VE CROSSED THE ACTION AXIS THE SOUND'S HORRIBLE I GUESS THAT WAS ALL MY RESPONSIBILITY AS PRESIDENT.
( sighs ) ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GET MY SON TO LOVE THIS TOWN AS MUCH AS I DO.
WHERE DID I GO WRONG, TOM? WHERE? DAD'S TALKING TO THE TOM LANDRY PLATE AGAIN.
HELLO, NANCY.
IT'S PEGGY, AND I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU ONE ARLENITE TO ANOTHER.
NO.
I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID ARLENIAN.
THAT'S WHY THIS IS AN APOLOGY.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, LET'S JUST AGREE TO DISAGREE.
NOW, I'M GOING TO NEED TO BORROW YOUR HOME MOVIES.
DAVE, I HEAR YOU'RE THE BEST TELEVISION EDITOR IN ALL OF TEXAS.
UH, UHF.
Peggy: THE REASON I'VE CALLED YOU ALL HERE IS TO SHOW YOU A VIDEO WHICH WE WILL BE SENDING TO THE DALLAS COWBOYS TOMORROW MORNING.
IT WAS MADE OVER THE YEARS BY EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US.
Bill: AND, AND THAT'S AFTER HAVING TWO CHICKENS! ( laughing ): BOY WAS I DRUNK.
Bobby: LOOK HOW SMOOTH MY BOTTOM WAS.
Hank: BOBBY! ( laughing ) Dale: AH ( Hank chuckles ) YOU KNOW, I MADE THAT BARBECUE OUT OF TWO OLD BARBECUES.
( chuckling ) ( sighs ) ( Bobby laughing ) ( laughing ) ( singsong voice ): WE'RE GOING TO GET THE COWBOYS.
WE'RE GOING TO GET THE COWBOYS.
HEY, DAD.
HELLO, BOBBY.
WELL, THE COWBOYS THANKED US FOR THE VIDEO BUT THEY HAVE NO PLANS TO MOVE TO ARLEN IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
AND THEY SENT US A LITTLE RUBBER FOOTBALL.
SO, UH I GUESS THIS MEANS YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE US WHEN YOU GROW UP, HUH? YEAH, I'LL PROBABLY LEAVE, BUT IT'S NOT FOR A WHILE, DAD.
I'M ONLY 12.
WE'VE STILL GOT PLENTY OF TIME TOGETHER.
YEAH.
AND EVEN AFTER YOU MOVE WICHITA FALLS IS ONLY A SIX-HOUR DRIVE.
I CAN'T BE A PROP COMIC IN WICHITA FALLS.
I'M MOVING TO NEW YORK CITY OR HOLLYWOOD.
MAYBE VEGAS.
( groans ) WELL, AT LEAST IT'S NOT WICHITA FALLS.
WELL, I MAY KEEP A PLACE THERE FOR TAX PURPOSES.
HEY, YOU WANT TO TRY THE LITTLE FOOTBALL? ALL RIGHT.
HIKE IT TO ME AND GO OUT FOR A PASS.
HOW ABOUT YOU HIKE THE BALL AND GO OUT FOR THE PASS? THE CROWD IS GOING WILD.
( imitates crowd cheering ) ROGER STAUBACH GOES BACK TO PASS.
ROGER'S IN TROUBLE.
HE SCRAMBLES ROGER THE DODGER GETS AWAY.
HE THROWS INTO THE END ZONE IT'S COMPLETE TO MY DAD, HANK HILL! TOUCHDOWN! THE COWBOYS WIN THE SUPER BOWL! THE COWBOYS WIN THE SUPER BOWL! GO! GO! DALLAS COWBOYS! IT'S THE GO TEAM OF THE SENIOR PROS LET THE WHOLE WORLD HEAR OUR BUGLES BLOW STAND UP! ( bugles blowing ) STAMPEDE! GO, YOU DALLAS COWBOYS GO! Hank: SWEET JETHRO PUGH.