Seinfeld s03e19 Episode Script

Do you think that the people at the airport that run the stores have any idea what the prices are everyplace else in the world or do they just feel they have their own little country out there and they can charge anything they want? "You hungry? Tuna sandwich is $9.
You don't like it, go back to your own country.
" I think the whole airport-airline complex is a huge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches.
I think that profit is what's supporting the whole air travel industry.
I mean, think about it.
The terminals, the airplanes it's all just a distraction so that you don't notice the beating that you're taking on the tuna.
It's all departures.
I see nothing but departures.
Do you know where the arrivals are? Excuse me, sir, do you have the time? There's a clock over there.
-Where? -Over there.
-But you have a watch on.
-It's right by the escalator.
Why not just look at your watch? I told you, it's right over there.
-Let me see the watch.
-Hey! What are you, some kind of nut? You know, we're living in a society! -George.
-Jerry, Jerry.
The flight was delayed.
How long you been here? I just got here.
My car broke down on the Belt Parkway.
I can't believe-- Get rid of that piece of junk.
One mile from the exit, it starts shaking, violently shaking Iike it's having a nervous breakdown.
-Then it completely stopped dead.
-So you have no car.
-No.
-So, what good are you? This chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while.
-O'Brien's not showing up.
-How do you know? He was in Chicago.
Flight was overbooked.
They wouldn't let him on.
He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden.
-We should take his limo.
-Yeah, right.
Wait a second.
Think about it.
He's not showing up.
Wait till you see the line for cabs.
It's 45 minutes long.
-You said he's in Chicago.
-He's definitely in Chicago.
Well, that guy is just standing there.
-How would we do it? -Just go up and say, "We're O'Brien.
" -Maybe he knows O'Brien.
-He doesn't know him.
If he knew O'Brien, he wouldn't have a sign.
-Let's just do it.
-What if we get caught? What's gonna happen? They can't kill us.
-Who's gonna be O'Brien? -I'll be O'Brien.
-Who am l? -You're you.
-Just me? -Yeah.
-Okay.
-You don't wanna be you? Well, if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody? -Like who? -Dylan Murphy.
Okay.
-Now you wanna be Dylan Murphy? -Well, I like Dylan.
You could be Colin.
Okay.
Colin O'Brien.
-I'm Dylan Murphy.
-I'm Colin O'Brien.
-Are we really doing this? -Come on.
-Hey, do you have the time? -Clock over there.
-O'Brien.
-Yes, sir.
Sorry we're late.
-Let me take that for you.
-Oh, thank you.
-I'll bring the car around front.
-Thank you very much.
-Dylan.
-Colin.
Can you believe this? This is incredible.
This is one of the greatest things I've ever done.
-I'm gonna call my mother.
-What for? To tell her I'm in a limo.
Hello, Ma? It's me.
Guess where I am.
In the back of a limo.
No, nobody died.
It's a long story.
I can't tell you now.
Because I can't.
I said, I can't.
If I could, I would.
Would you stop it? All right, look-- I'm getting off.
No, I'm not telling you.
How's this? I'm never telling you.
I don't care.
No! Fine! Never! She happy for you? -Can he hear us? -No.
Why? Thought I saw him look in the mirror suspiciously.
He can't hear us.
Let's test him.
Hey, driver.
What do you say we stop off, pick up your sister have a little fun back here? No.
He can't hear us.
Where's he dropping us? Maybe we can get him to drop us at my house.
I'll ask him.
My dear fellow, where are you dropping us? At Madison Square Garden, of course.
I have the four passes.
Of course, the four passes.
Four passes to Madison Square Garden? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Of course.
Chicago! The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight! -What? -We are going to the Knick game! -Michael Jordan! -The Knicks! We're going to the game! Four free passes! -Did I tell you? Did I tell you? -I can't believe it! -You may have hit with this one.
-You see? You see, I see things as they are and I say, "No.
" Wait.
You see things as they are not and you say-- Wait.
You see thing-- Do you see things as they are? What do you say when you see things? Let me call Elaine and Kramer.
If I see things as they are, I would ask, "Why?" or "Why not?" Elaine? It's me.
What are you doing tonight? Great.
George and I have tickets-- Four free passes to the Knicks-Bulls game at Madison Square Garden.
Can you go? Great.
Call Kramer, tell him to meet us on the corner at 7:00.
All right.
We're gonna pick you up in a limo.
That's right, baby doll.
And listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George is O'Brien.
I can't tell you now.
It's a long story.
I am serious.
Okay.
Okay, bye.
Excuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first.
I know.
-He knows? -He knows? Where we going? Why are we pulling off here? Maybe it's a shortcut.
We're on the Grand Central.
There's no traffic.
Excuse me, why are we getting off this exit? To pick up the other members of your party.
Right.
The other members of our party.
What other members of our party? I didn't even know we were in a party.
I'm telling you, the jig is up.
It was a bad jig.
We never should've started it.
-lt was a good jig.
-lt was a bad jig.
A terrible, terrible jig.
What are we gonna do now? They'll know you're not O'Brien.
There could be more than one O'Brien who ordered a limo.
-First, you don't look like any O'Brien.
-You should've been O'Brien.
I don't wanna be Murphy anymore.
Do I have to be? -Yes, you have to be Murphy.
-lt makes no sense, me being Murphy.
-You're Murphy.
-I'm Seinfeld.
You're Murphy! Let's just jump out of the car.
We're doing 60 miles an hour.
So we jump and roll.
You won't get hurt.
Who are you, Mannix? Why are we slowing down? Are those the people? All right, put your hands up over your face.
Pretend you're sleeping.
-Mr.
O'Brien.
-No, I'm Dylan Murphy.
Mr.
O'Brien had a long trip.
He's sleeping.
I don't wanna disturb him.
We're just really excited to meet him face-to-face finally.
We're faithful readers of his newsletter.
-Newsletter? -And, of course, his great book The Big Game.
Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in The Big Game.
-So you've never met him before? -No.
-Never seen a picture of him? -Never.
Not even on the book jacket? There was no picture on the book jacket.
Hey, O'Brien, wake up.
Come on.
We got company.
Wake up.
Well, hello.
I'm O'Brien.
-Hey! -Hey.
You took a cab? Yeah.
So? How much do you make? -I'm not telling you.
-Come on.
-No.
-I'll tell you how much I make.
I know how much you make.
I don't even know why I'm doing this.
I don't even like basketball.
-You ever seen Michael Jordan? -Just in those commercials.
Maybe you'll see him do one of those 360 dunks.
-What's that? -It's like this.
-Here, you guard me.
-What? I never get the tinted windows on the limo.
Nobody cares who's in the limo.
You see a limo go by, you know it's either a rich guy or 50 prom kids with $1.
75 each.
Being in the back of a limo, I'm sorry, it's just-- It's not that cool.
Most of the time, you feel like you're in some depressing single guy's apartment from, like, 1975.
All that maroon velour furniture couple of bottles of wine, three cassette tapes.
There's stains.
You're counting, there must've been -I don't think we'll make the tip-off.
-Think someone's been tipped off? So.
You've read The Big Game, have you? Yes, I've read it.
And I've memorized it.
Well, tell me your impressions.
I would love to hear what a young woman thinks of The Big Game.
Well, this is sort of embarrassing.
But it's changed my life.
The way you analyse the game the way you identify the major players.
Well, it left me breathless.
You're a brilliant brilliant man.
Well, it's.
It's just a game.
Remember that, kids.
"Just a game.
" He's so humble.
Don't forget what you wrote in the epilogue: "The fate of the world depends on the outcome of this game.
" Well, I was exaggerating a bit.
Just for effect.
-He tends to exaggerate.
-I mean, it's serious, but-- We are really looking forward to your speech tonight.
My speech.
Yes, your secretary faxed me the copy.
Would you like to look it over? Well, you might as well look it over.
So, what's going on? How did all this happen? Jerry and George called me from this limo.
They said we're all going to the Knicks-Bulls game.
Limo? I thought that George went to pick him up.
He did.
Then why would they take a limo from the airport? I don't know.
That's pretty strange.
Did he say anything else? Yeah.
He said it's really important that we call them O'Brien and Murphy.
O'Brien? Why would he wanna be called O'Brien? "And the Jews steal our money through their Zionist-occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities.
" You're not gonna open with that, are you? What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust? Said so many things.
They're shooting! They're shooting! All right, get down.
I'm ready to die for you.
Oh, that's really very nice of you, Eva, thank you.
But of course, you know, I would.
I would do anything for you.
Anything.
Nothing to worry about, it was a flat tire.
But rest assured we're prepared to handle anything that might come up.
Nice-looking Luger.
I'm at The Paramount, adjacent to Madison Square Garden where a growing number of angry demonstrators gather to protest the first public appearance of Donald O'Brien Ieader of the Midwestern regional chapter of the Aryan Union and reputed to be their most charismatic spokesman.
Mr.
O'Brien advocates the violent overthrow of the government.
He has openly professed a deep admiration of Adolf Hitler.
Even David Duke has denounced him as a dangerous extremist.
There is a full house inside awaiting his arrival from the airport.
Sources tell me he is en route and should be arriving momentarily.
Police have set up barricades, but, quite frankly, Bill I don't think they're any match for the emotional fuse that has been lit.
From The Paramount, I'm Jodi Baskerville.
Back to you in the studio.
Something's very strange here.
George goes to the airport to pick up Jerry.
They come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball game and wanna be called O'Brien and Murphy.
O'Brien.
O'Brien.
Why O'Brien? Elaine? -Dan.
-Excuse me a minute.
Hey.
-Hi, Dan.
How are you? -Good.
-Oh, this is Kramer.
-Oh, Kramer.
What's going on? We're headed down to protest this big neo-Nazi rally.
The head of the Aryan Union is speaking.
He's in from Chicago.
-You should come.
-Oh, we can't.
We're going to the Knicks-Bulls game.
Oh, well, that's where the rally is.
At The Paramount, right next door.
-Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you.
-Yeah, it's really gonna be something.
First time he's appeared in public.
No one knows what he looks like.
-Who? -The head of the Aryan Union.
O'Brien.
What's taking them so long out there? Did you see the way she was looking at me? -She's a Nazi, George.
A Nazi.
-I know, I know.
Kind of a cute Nazi, though.
We gotta make a plan.
-What are we gonna do? -I don't know.
-Let's just make a run for it.
-I can't run.
I have a bad hamstring.
-How'd that happen? -I hurt it in a hotel room.
Know how they tuck the covers in real tight in those rooms? I can't sleep like that.
I tried to kick it out and pulled it.
Why do they make that bed so tight? You gotta sleep with your feet like that: It's for a mental patient.
Wait a minute, the phone.
We'll call the police.
She said she'd do anything.
Yeah, hello.
Police? Yeah, listen we're in the back of a limo in Queens-- AstroTurf? You know who's responsible for that, don't you? The Jews! Oh, the Jews hate grass.
They always have, always will.
We'll be ready in a minute.
Would you excuse us a minute, Tim Boy? We're in the middle of something here.
With all due respect, Mr.
O'Brien, we're just about to leave.
Tim? Who's the head of the Aryan Union? -You or me? -You are.
And who is responsible for making hatemongering -and fascism popular again? -You are.
Okay? I think you forgot something.
-I'm sorry.
-Good.
Now get out.
-All right, what are we gonna do? -I don't know.
How's this: we wait till we get to your street corner we see Elaine and Kramer, then we get out.
-They can't shoot us in the city.
-No.
No one's ever been shot in the city.
I'm telling you, something is going on.
I can feel it, sense it.
-I'm sure he was just joking around.
-Oh, no, this is no joke.
O'Brien's coming in from Chicago.
Jerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien.
That's not funny.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Yes! What? What is it? Don't you see? There's always been something very strange about Jerry.
Always so clean and organized.
-So? -Do I have to spell it out for you? The limo? The name? The rally at Madison Square Garden? Jerry and O'Brien are the same person.
Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union.
Jerry's a Nazi? I can't even believe I didn't see it.
Listen, you idiot, just calm down.
I know Jerry.
He's not a Nazi.
-You don't think so? -No.
He's just neat.
You know, it's funny.
You don't look like an O'Brien.
Me? Yeah, right.
Get a load of this guy.
-And you don't look like a Murphy.
-I may not look like one -but I act like a Murphy.
-He's extremely Murphy.
To a fault.
Where are you from? Dublin.
Originally.
Parents came over here when I was 18.
Cereal famine.
Couldn't get a bowl anywhere.
It was bad.
'Tis a beautiful country, though.
Lush rolling hills.
And the peat.
The peat.
Sounds more like Scottish.
We were right on the border.
Maybe he's with the company.
-What? -The ClA.
Maybe they placed him in there to infiltrate the organization from within.
-What about his comedy act? -That's the perfect cover.
All that time on the road.
Look, Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian.
These comedians, they're sick, neurotic people.
-Well, what about George? -What about him? He's part of it.
His whole personality's a disguise.
There's no real person can act the way he does.
Elaine, I'm telling you, they're with the organization.
They're all part of it.
He's in there with Helms and Hunt and Liddy, that whole crowd.
George and Jerry, they probably know who killed Kennedy.
I bet they were even in on it.
All right, what are we gonna do? What--? I'm not gonna let them hurt you.
I'm not gonna-- Kramer, you're hurting me.
Those are our friends I told you about.
-Get off of me! -We're gonna talk to them.
Pull over.
-Get off of me! -It's all right.
-Get off! -Hey, O'Brien! -O'Brien! -ls that him? -Yeah, that's him! -Look, there's O'Brien! No-good Nazi bastard! -Let's get him! -Get him! -What do we do? -Get in the car! -Get in the car! -What? What? Come on, hey! O'Brien.
Long time, no see.
How's tricks, Murphy? Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy? No, he was talking to me.
He's cross-eyed.
It could be very confusing.
Yeah? -Eva? -It's for me.
Hello? It's O'Brien.
O'Brien? Well, that's weird.
Who are you? -I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
-I'm George Costanza.
This is a misunderstanding.
His car broke down.
I told him to get-- My car started shaking violently about a mile out.
-So he picks me up without a car.
-And there was a line-- The limo has just pulled up.
It's being surrounded by a huge crowd of protesters.
This has the makings of a very ugly scene.
I just didn't have anything to do tonight.
Then the phone rang and it was Jerry.
We just wanted a ride into the city.
He was supposed to pick me up, but he didn't pick me up.
And tonight we were gonna go to the basketball game-- They're banging on the car, trying to flip it over.
The police seem unable or unwilling to control the crowd.
I would imagine Mr.
O'Brien must be having some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for his first appearance.
We did not want to antagonize the Nazis.
We have no intention of upsetting the Nazis.
-I don't have a problem with Nazis.
-Do whatever you want.
-Don't bother us, we won't bother you.
-I don't wanna make a Nazi unhappy.
-I swear.
I swear.
-I swear.
-I swear.
-I swear.
-Get out! -Open the door.
Oh, look! Look, it's Dan.
-Hi, Dan! -Elaine? -Hi! Dan! -Come on, let's go.
Go.
I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I repeat, I am not O'Brien! Ask anyone.
Jerry! Jerry! So I was watching this movie the other night, a World War ll movie.
And there was Nazis in the movie.
And I noticed that the Nazis in those movies always had, like, two separate Heils.
They had the regular Heil that they would do and when they were around the offices, they had this casual Heil.
Remember that? They'd come in the office: "Yeah, Heil, how are you? What's? Is the kid back with coffee? Come on, are you finished with the copier? Yeah, world domination, Aryan race.
So whose doughnuts are those? Yeah, Heil.
Nice to see you.
Can I have one of those doughnuts?" SDl Media Group