Big Bang Theory s03e20 Episode Script

Oh, damn.
They cancelled my Visa.
Oh, yay, a new MasterCard.
Uh-oh.
-What? -I was going to get my mail.
Okay.
Are you hoping to get it telepathically? I think you mean telekinetically.
And no.
Wasn't sure of the protocol now you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
Ugh.
God, can we please just say "no longer seeing each other"? Well, we could if it were true.
You live in the same building.
You see each other all the time.
The variable which has changed is the coitus.
Okay, here's the protocol.
You and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.
Good.
I'm glad we're still friends.
-Really? -Oh, yes.
It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life.
I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.
Right.
Just to be clear, do I have to stop saying "coitus" with everyone or just you? Everyone.
Harsh terms, but all right.
-I'll just substitute "intercourse.
" -Great.
SHELDON: Or "fornication.
" Yeah-- But that has judgmental overtones, so I'll hold that in reserve.
So how you been? Well, my existence is a continuum so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
You're just coitusing with me, aren't you? -Buzzinga.
-Mm.
-How's Leonard doing? -He seems all right although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on.
Although now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.
PENNY: I'll pretend I didn't hear it.
I'd rather you pretend I didn't say it.
I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.
-Yep.
-That's the sauce my mother uses.
She likes cooking Italian because, according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat.
Interesting.
I'll have to have you over for spaghetti some night.
I'm hungry now.
Oh, um, okay.
Why don't you give me an hour and come over? Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce? -I don't have hot dogs.
-It's all right.
I do.
Oh.
You're in for what my mother calls a real Italian treat.
-Hey, where you been? -I was talking with Penny.
What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex.
That's totally uncool.
No, it's fine.
I don't care.
I'm over it.
Yeah.
That's why he's been whining about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
So would Ben Affleck.
The point is, in a situation like this, you gotta pick sides.
You're either on team Leonard or team Penny.
-Which one picks last? -What? Usually, I'm on the team that picks last.
Unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.
Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken.
I hope you're hungry.
Well, of course I'm hungry.
And as I have no plans to eat with any other team I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto.
Mm, mm, mm.
Okay.
Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs? I don't know.
Why? Just making dinner conversation.
Go team Leonard.
-Oh, God, this is good.
-Let me ask you a question.
Do you believe you're going to go to hell for eating sweet-and-sour pork? Jews don't have hell.
We have acid reflux.
Do you want the last dumpling, Sheldon? Certainly.
It's not like I have to moderate my food intake because I'm planning on eating again very shortly.
Mm, mm, mm.
So you wanna do something tonight? No, I can't.
I gotta pick up my mom from her water-aerobics class.
Eighteen overweight women flapping their arm fat in a swimming pool.
It's like the manatee tank at SeaWorld.
-What about you, Raj? -Oh, there it is.
Now you don't have a girlfriend you wanna hang out with me again.
I never stopped hanging out with you.
I'm the friend you call when you have no other options.
If we were the Justice League, I'd be Aquaman.
I wish you were Aquaman.
Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old-lady tank.
Excuse me, I'm thirsty so I'm going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage.
You know what? I'll just spend the evening alone.
What? Suddenly, I'm not good enough for you? [SIGHS.]
I do so love beverages.
Now I think I'll take my after-dinner walk.
Since when do you take after-dinner walks? Since when do you take walks? I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion but increases serotonin.
If there's one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it's serotonin.
Bye.
-Hold on.
I'll walk down with you.
-Oh, that's not necessary.
You can go first.
Or we could go together.
I can't think of a reason why not.
-Let's go.
-Hold on.
Nope.
No reason.
I've missed you.
All right, say hello to your mother for me.
Okay.
What? You said you were going for a walk.
I didn't say outside.
So what, you're gonna walk up and down the stairs? No, of course not.
That would be odd and suspicious behavior.
-Here, Rumples.
Here, boy.
-Which way are you going? -Which way are you going? -I parked my scooter down the block.
I'm going the other way.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, actually, I'm this way.
Do I smell hot dogs? No.
I mean, I have no idea what you smell.
Well, I definitely smell raw hot dog.
Perhaps you're getting a brain tumor.
All right, have a nice walk.
I shall.
Have a nice scoot.
You might wanna stand back.
I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here.
[SCOOTER HORN HONKS.]
Oh, hello, doggie.
Nice doggie.
[BARKING AND GROWLING.]
I bet you think you smell hot dogs.
Look, a cat.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
SHELDON: Penny.
Penny.
[KNOCKING.]
Penny.
Here.
I had to trade the others for my life.
[MOVIE MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
-Hey, Leonard? -Yeah? I haven't had sex in a year.
Where are you going with this, Raj? Don't flatter yourself, dude.
-I wanna go out and meet a woman.
-So go.
I need a wingman.
I don't wanna come off like a lonely loser.
And you think my presence will help with that? Well, I do.
Next to you, I look like a catch.
-I'm not going out tonight, Raj.
-All right.
Would you mind if I went to your room and downloaded Asian pornography? Very much.
Doesn't have to be Asian.
-Don't worry.
You'll meet a girl.
-No, I won't.
Yes, you will.
And she'll be beautiful and kind and sexy and funny and everything you ever wanted in a woman.
-You really think so? -I do.
You'll fall hopelessly in love and give her your heart.
She'll take it and grind it into pathetic little pieces.
We will have sex first, right? Mm, mm, mm.
That's Italian.
So was Leonard okay with you coming over? Oh.
Yes.
In fact, he said, "I'm fine.
I don't care.
" In no manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.
-Well, good.
-I'm also pleased to report that he's all cried out over you.
He's been crying? Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn't supposed to mention.
Oh, God.
I feel terrible.
Do you have a stomachache too? No.
Why, do you? No.
Why did you ask if I had one too? Just making polite dinner conversation.
Your turn.
All right.
So, what's new in your life? Well, my new shoes are not made for running.
Have you been running? No.
It's just a suspicion I have.
Mm, mm, mm.
-I'm so glad you like it.
-I do.
Leonard never cooks for me.
Well, maybe that's because Leonard can't cook.
You can't cook and you made me this.
Whatever.
Oh, let me get the cheesecake out of the fridge.
Oh, Lord, I'm in Jewish hell.
[WOMAN MOANS ON COMPUTER.]
Look at this.
Do you think she's really doing that or is it Photoshop? I'm sure Martha Stewart never got naked with a room full of big fat Japanese guys.
You don't know that.
Prison changes people.
Hey, where you been? I told you.
Walking.
For an hour and a half? I got lost.
How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS.
Satellites are down.
Solar flares.
-There are no solar flares now.
SHELDON: Yes, there are.
Dude, I'm an astrophysicist.
If there were solar flares, I'd be all up in it.
I'm sorry, I misspoke.
What I meant to say was my battery died.
-What the hell was that about? -I don't know.
Do you think this is really Hillary Clinton doing it with Oprah? Aw, we really need to get you a girl.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
SHELDON: Leonard.
Leonard.
-Leonard.
-Oh, just come in! Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
What do you want, Sheldon? Maybe this isn't a good time.
Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you.
Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
What do you want? You may wanna sit down.
I'm in bed.
Point taken.
You may wanna sit up.
Sheldon! I've been seeing Penny behind your back.
Okay.
When you say "seeing Penny," what exactly does that mean? We had dinner last night.
She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it.
Well, little hot dog.
I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog.
A real big dog.
A hell hound.
It's tangential to the primary story.
How about I circle back to it? Fine.
Why did you have dinner with Penny? She made spaghetti with little hot dogs.
I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.
Well, then why did you have Chinese food with us? I didn't wanna upset you.
Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Is it possible he said, "Bros before ho's"? Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the ho's.
Sheldon, I don't care if you wanna be friends with Penny.
Oh.
So the turmoil that has been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified? Yes.
Well, then as my meemaw would say looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.
I guess not.
And now, as promised, the tangent.
Sheldon and the Hell Hound.
Or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.
Oh, um, ahem.
-I can come back.
-Don't be silly.
We're neighbors.
We're gonna run into each other.
May as well get used to it.
Yeah.
I guess you're right.
-Used to it yet? -Nope.
Me neither.
Oh.
Sheldon seemed to think I'd be upset about you hanging out.
But I want you to know it's fine.
Oh, good.
Because his mother called me.
-His mother? -Yeah, she wants me to take him shopping for sheets and towels.
I was gonna do that.
Oh, well, then you do it.
I don't wanna do it.
You can do it.
Okay, then you can take him for shoes.
I just took him for shoes.
Well, all I know is he says they hurt his feet.
Fine.
I'll take him for shoes next Saturday.
No.
A bunch of us from work are going to Disneyland next Saturday and Sheldon wants to come.
You're taking him to Disneyland? Well, he heard me making plans on the phone.
Was I gonna say no? All right, but let me know if you're gonna stuff him with junk food.
I don't wanna bring home a nice dinner for him and see it go to waste.
We're going to Disneyland.
He's gonna eat junk food.
All I'm saying is give me a heads-up.
Okay, whatever.
And don't let him go on Space Mountain after he eats.
He'll say he can handle it, but you'll end up with churro puke on your shoes.
All right.
Got it.
Anything else? Don't let Goofy near him.
He'll have nightmares, and I'll have to deal with it.
-What's the problem with Goofy? -Wish I knew.
He's fine with Pluto.
Do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphragm? Well, that's it.
We're officially out of things to talk about.
We're home.
It's 10:00.
Where have you been? We stayed for the California Adventure water show.
It was pure Disney magic.
-I was gonna see that with him.
-How was I to know that? It's all right.
I'll see it again with you.
I have food here.
You were gonna call.
-I know, I know.
-I can still eat.
No.
You already threw up once.
Go put on your p.
j.
's and brush your teeth.
Okay, but just don't fight.
-We're not fighting.
-Just go.
Aren't you gonna thank Penny for taking you? Thank you, Penny.
You're welcome, sweetie.
Want a cup of coffee? Oh, I should probably get going.
-Come on, it's just a cup of coffee.
-Yeah.
Okay.
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY.]
Yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me too.
What am I smelling? Sheldon's churro on my shoes.
Such an angel when he's asleep.
Yeah, shame he has to wake up.
I think we can do it.
Smother Sheldon in his sleep? Wouldn't that be wrong? No, be friends.
You and me.
Oh, sure.
Absolutely.
Good.
I'm glad.
Here's an idea.
I'm just throwing it out there.
Friends who have sex.
Good night, Leonard.
Kidding.
Just a couple of friends goofing around.
No, Goofy, no.