King of the Hill s03e20 Episode Script
Dog Dale Afternoon
1 Dale: COME ON, BABY! TURN OVER! YOU CAN DO IT! TURN OVER, BABY! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON, COME ON, COME ON COME ON, COME ON ( grunting ) AAH! HANK, MY MOWER WON'T START.
MIND IF I BORROW YOURS? ( chuckling ): ALMOST TURNED OVER, DIDN'T SHE? ( chuckling ): YEAH, SHE WAS TEASING ME.
( chuckling ): YOU DIDN'T TRY TO START IT, DALE.
THERE WERE NO ENGINE NOISES.
I'LL TRY TO START IT.
CAN I BORROW SOME GAS? DON'T WASTE MY GAS.
WE BOTH KNOW IT'S NOT GOING TO START.
THEN WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME LIKE THIS? ( disgusted sigh ) NOW, THAT'S WHERE I WANT THE TANK WHEN IT COMES BACK.
WITH GAS, NOT WATER, THIS TIME.
THAT WAS AQUAHOL.
DALE! ( frustrated groan ) Hank: SO I TAPPED HIM ON THE SHOULDER AND SAID WITH A STRAIGHT FACE "MAYBE YOU WANT TO PUT A LITTLE LACQUER IN THAT VARNISH.
" UH, LONG STORY SHORT, HE PUT SOME LACQUER IN IT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I KNOW THAT ENGINE.
DAMN IT, DALE! HANK, I'M ONLY HALFWAY DONE.
YOU CAN'T GO OUT LOOKING LIKE THAT.
( gasping ) HEY, I'M GOING TO BORROW YOUR DRILL.
WHERE'S MY MOWER?! OH.
SO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE YOUR MOWER IS.
YES! IT RAN OUT OF GAS DOWN PAST THE GAS STATION.
I'LL HELP YOU PICK IT UP TOMORROW.
YOU'RE NOT TOUCHING MY MOWER EVER AGAIN.
YOU LEFT IT OUT IN THE STREE WHERE ANY WEIRDO COULD JUST RUB UP AGAINST IT.
HANK, WHAT WOULD WEIRDOS BE DOING NEAR THE GAS STATION? WHAT WOULD WEIRDOS BE DOING NEAR THE GAS STATION? ( sighs ) OH, MY GOD! WHAT DOES IT SAY? NOTHING! UH, HANK, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T FINISH MOWING MY LAWN! DON'T EVEN ASK IF YOU CAN BORROW MY MOWER, DALE.
LIKE I WOULD BORROW THAT PIECE OF JUNK.
( scoffs ) BOOMHAUER, CAN I BORROW YOUR MOWER? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, MAN LOAN YOU MY MONOPOLY SET, MAN COME BACK DANG OL' TOP HAT'S GONE BOARDWALK GOT MUSTARD STAINS AND PARK PLACE, TOO, MAN DANG, OL' MOM COME OVER END UP PLAYIN' STRATEGO, MAN.
BILL, CAN I BORROW YOUR MOWER? OKAY.
LIKE I WOULD BORROW THAT PIECE OF JUNK.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? YOUR FLY IS DOWN.
IT'S MY YARD.
YEP.
YEP.
MM-HMM.
DALE, PROBABLY DOESN'T WANT TO SHOW HIS FACE-- HIS LAWN BEING SO SHAGGY AND ALL.
HE'S FEELING LIKE LESS THAN A MAN.
CASTRATED, YOU KNOW.
I'VE BEEN THERE.
WELL, DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR DALE.
DALE ABUSED OUR TRUST.
( gasping ) OH, MY GOD DID YOU CAN IT BE? IT, IS THAT? NO, IT'S DALE! ON A NEW MOWER! ( horn beeping ) SAY HELLO TO THE ALLEGRO X9J-- CODE-NAMED REDEEMER AT THE MASON MOWER SKUNK WORKS INSIDE MOUNT HOOD.
73 DECIBELS OF TWIN-BARREL, FOUR-STROKE WAR CRY! ALL AT A PRICE I CAN'T REALLY AFFORD.
( laughing ) SHE'S A BEAUTY, DALE.
DID YOU GET A GOOD TRADE-IN ON YOUR OLD ONE? THAT THING? I PUSHED IT INTO A LAKE THREE MONTHS AGO.
Bill: YOU LOOK SO MANLY SITTING UP THERE.
CAN I TAKE HER FOR A SPIN? I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WOULD VIOLATE THE WARRANTY, BILL.
OH, COME ON, DALE.
YOU USED HANK'S MOWER AND EVERYTHING THAT IS A WATERTIGHT SEAL.
I CAN MOW MY LAWN IN A HURRICANE.
CAN YOU MOW YOUR LAWN IN A HURRICANE, BILL? I DON'T KNOW.
YOU CAN'T MOW YOUR LAWN IN A HURRICANE.
CAN YOU, BOOMHAUER? I TELL YOU WHAT, MAN POSITRACTION GOING ON LITTLE CHOKE HOLD, MAN, STARTED BULLCORN! OH, ALMOST FORGOT.
HANK, CAN YOU MOW YOUR LAWN IN A HURRICANE? NOPE.
DIDN'T THINK SO.
HA-HA-HA-HA! HOW DO I KNOW IT'S JACK RUBY'S HAT? WELL, IF I'M GOING TO SPEND MONEY ON I I GOT TO KNOW IT'S JACK RUBY'S HAT.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT COLORS DOES IT COME IN? ( gun pops ) AAH! ( laughing ) NEXT TIME IT MIGHT NOT BE A BB! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE HERE FOR.
DALE, THIS ISN'T HOW I WANTED YOU TO FIND OUT.
QUIT SCREWING AROUND WITH MY MOWER! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.
I DON'T KID ABOUT MY MOWER.
NOW, GET INSIDE AND START MASSAGING MY WIFE.
HE'S TAKING SOME OF THE FUN OUT OF THIS.
IF DALE WATERED DOWN THE GAS AGAIN MMM, NOPE.
THIS IS SODA POP, HANK.
THAT'S JUST GREASE.
RACE YOU AROUND THE BLOCK.
YOU WRECKED MY MOWER WITH YOUR DAMN SODA! MMM.
IT'S MR.
PIBB.
I HEARD BOBBY SAY HE DID IT.
SAID HE HAD A SCORE TO SETTLE WITH YOU.
SOMETHING ABOUT A WOMAN.
I THINK SOMETHING BAD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO THAT MOWER.
OH, I DOUBT THAT, HANK.
IT'S A BRAND-NEW MOWER.
OH, I GET IT.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TELL YOU.
THANK YOU, HANK.
'CAUSE ONCE YOU RIDE A MASON VROOM! VROOM! NOTHING ELSE CUTS IT.
YOU GONNA TALK? OR YOU GONNA MOW? ( gulps ) WHA? ( gasps ) NO! ( long, sustained yelling ) ( chuckles ) HANK, MY MOWER'S GONE! SOMEBODY STOLE MY MOWER! TELL ME YOU SAW SOMETHING.
YOU'RE THE NEIGHBORHOOD SNOOP.
WELL, I DID FIND THESE LYING AROUND.
( screams ) LOOK AT THE DATE ON THAT PAPER.
THAT'S TOMORROW'S NEWSPAPER.
WHO WOULD HAVE ACCESS TO A PAPER FROM THE FUTURE YOU MIGHT ASK? THE PAPER BOY.
THAT'S TODAY'S PAPER, DALE.
THE DATE ON MY WATCH HAS BEEN SET INCORRECTLY.
WHEN DID THE PAPER BOY HAVE ACCESS TO MY WATCH? AAH, IT'S PROBABLY HALFWAY TO MEXICO.
THAT IS A MEXICAN DOG.
OH, YOU THINK THAT DOG DID IT? THAT DOG I-IS UP TO NO GOOD.
HANG IN THERE, DALE.
EVEN IF YOU NEVER GET TO SEE YOUR MOWER AGAIN YOU'LL STILL HAVE THE BROCHURE.
THANKS.
YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS ARE MY BEST FRIENDS.
( all chortling ) THE JOKE'S ALWAYS BEEN ON ME.
( snickering ) ALL MY LIFE, FOLKS WERE ALWAYS PLAYING JOKES ON ME.
AND NO WONDER-- IT'S FUN! ( evil chuckle ) THIS ISN'T SOME KIND OF ELABORATE JOKE ON ME, IS IT? ( snickering ) I FOUND THIS ON OUR DOORSTEP.
D-UH THAT'S MY OIL FILTER.
SUG, I'M NOT A LICENSED BOUNTY HUNTER BUT SHOULDN'T THEY EITHER ASK FOR RANSOM OR STOP SENDING YOU CLUES? WHY WOULD SOMEONE SENSELESSLY TORTURE ME UNLESS THEY WERE MY ENEMIES.
BOIL UP SOME MOUNTAIN DEW.
IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT.
DAD'S A THIEF.
MOM, CAN I CHECK HIS DRAWERS FOR THAT HOT WHEELS I LOST? HANK, BOBBY TELLS ME WE HAVE A NEW VEHICLE IN THE GARAGE.
MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR SON WHY YOU STOLE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S MOWER.
OH.
( chuckles ) UH, WELL, YOU SEE, BOBBY UH, THIS ISN'T STEALING.
WE WERE GOING TO GIVE IT BACK AFTER WE MADE MR.
GRIBBLE UH, SOMETIMES, THINGS THAT ARE JOKES SEEM A LITTLE MEAN, BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY FUNNY.
OH, I SEE.
KIND OF LIKE WHEN THEY FED THE FOURTH-GRADE GERBIL TO THE FIFTH-GRADE SNAKE.
NO, BOBBY.
THIS IS FUN.
IT'S NOT MEAN OR DISHONEST.
BUT DON'T TELL JOSEPH, OKAY? Peggy: BOBBY, HONEY GO PLAY OUTSIDE.
YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE SOMETHING TO DISCUSS.
ALL RIGHT, WE CAN USE PHOTO SHOP AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE LEE HARVEY OSWALD'S RIDING ON HIS MOWER.
Hank: HAVE YOU BEEN SLEEPING, DALE? YOU GOT KIND OF THAT COUNTY FAIR SMELL.
CHECK IT OUT.
IT'S FINALLY MAKING SENSE.
OSWALD MOWER GRASSY KNOLL HUH? THAT PHOTO DOESN'T EVEN LOOK REAL, DALE.
( chuckling ) WELL, I'D LIKE TO LIVE IN YOUR FAIRY-TALE WORLD, HANK BUT THE FAIR PLAY FOR CUBA COMMITTEE IS RETROFITTING MY MOWER'S ENGINE TO POWER FIDEL CASTRO'S ONE-MAN ESCAPE-SUB.
HUH.
DALE, WHY DON'T YOU RELAX.
HAVE A BEER.
NO BEER.
GOT TO STAY SHARP.
( chuckling ) HE'S GOING CRAZY.
YEAH, MAN, TELL YOU WHAT, MAN.
THAT DANG OL' MARGOT KIDDER, MAN WANDERING AROUND IN THE DANG OL' CURLED-UP CARDBOARD BOX.
WHEET-WHEET.
YEAH, BUT I THINK WE OUGHT TO GIVE THE MOWER BACK.
WE'RE PUTTING EXTRA STRESS ON A STRUCTURE THAT WASN'T UP TO CODE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
LET'S TELL HIM IT WAS US.
WELL, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
IT'S NOT YOUR NAKED BUTT IN THAT PICTURE.
YOU TOOK THE MONEY.
STILL It's me, Sug.
NANCY? ALL RIGHT, I'LL BUZZ YOU IN.
( making long buzzing sound ) SHOULDN'T YOU GET SOME SLEEP? SLEEP? I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE.
THIS IS WHERE ALL THE PREPARATION PAYS OFF.
THE BINGING.
THE PURGING.
THE CONSTANT INOCULATIONS.
( phone ringing ) IT'S ME.
( lawnmower motor running sounds ) ( Bill giggling on phone ) THEY KNOW I'M GETTING CLOSE.
SUG, YOU'VE GOT TO GET UP EARLY TO KILL THE TERMITE LARVA AT THE COLLEGE.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STAY DOWN HERE ALL NIGHT, ARE YOU? TIME HAS NO MEANING FOR ME.
WHAT IS IT? 1:00 A.
M.
? 3:00 A.
M.
? IT'S 6:00.
A.
M.
? NO.
OH.
IS DINNER READY? ALL RIGHT, I WAS GOING TO HAVE JANE FONDA OBSERVING THE AUTOPSY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? IS THAT TOO MUCH? THE BOY AT KINKO'S SAID IT WAS TOO MUCH.
( sighs ) WELL, WHEN HE GETS HOME, TELL HIM IT WAS A JOKE AND THE MOWER WAS COMFORTABLY LUBRICATED AT ALL TIMES.
OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D WANT TO FOOL DALE LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT HARD IF YOU'RE SOMEBODY HE TRUSTS.
BUT, HEY, WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON.
THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK CLEARER.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU'RE EATING, BILL, TAKE IT OUT.
OUT! OUT! TAKE IT OUT! OKAY, THAT'S BETTER.
THANK YOU.
UH-HUH.
HANK, IT'S BILL.
HE SAYS DALE'S GONE CRAZY.
I WAS AT JUNIOR COLLEGE PLAYING SOME PINBALL WITH THE BOYS AND DALE'S UP IN THE TOWER.
HE'S UP THERE WITH A GUN! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
DON'T CALL THE POLICE unless Dale starts shooting.
OKAY-- I ALREADY CALLED THE POLICE.
WHAT THE? CLEAR THE AREA.
GO, GO, GO! GET SOME SHARP SHOOTERS ON THE ROOF ACROSS THE STREET-- NOW! ( humming ) WHERE IS HE? IS HE STILL UP IN THE TOWER? WHO? THE SNIPER? HE'S NOT A SNIPER, HE'S MY FRIEND.
DALE WOULDN'T SHOOT ANYBODY.
BUT HE IS PRESIDENT OF THE GUN CLUB.
YES, HE IS PRESIDENT.
BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE OWNS THE MOST GUNS.
YES, IT'S ALL A BIG JOKE, ISN'T IT? UNTIL SOMEONE GETS HURT.
MR.
GRIBBLE WE HAVE THE TOWER SURROUNDED.
PUT DOWN YOUR GUN.
IT'S JUST A WAND.
( screaming ) THAT'S RIGHT, DALE! SHOW 'EM WHO'S BOSS! THE POLICE AREN'T TRAINED FOR THIS.
LET'S GO, GUN CLUB.
BUT DALE'S OUR PRESIDENT.
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIM.
Dale: I HAVE A HOSTAGE.
A RUSTY SHACKELFORD.
( Rusty's voice ): GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS.
I CAN'T SEE THE HOSTAGE.
THERE IS NO HOSTAGE.
"RUSTY SHACKELFORD" IS THE FAKE NAME HE ORDERS PIZZA WITH.
LOOK, HERE'S HIS MOWER.
THIS WAY, SIR.
JUST TELL HIM YOU'VE GOT HIS MOWER AND THAT IT'S SAFE.
WE HAVE YOUR MOWER.
I KNOW THAT, FIDELITO.
HANK, I WAS RIGHT.
THESE CUBANS HAVE MY MOWER.
WATCH OUT! OH PLEASE, THIS IS MY FAULT.
DALE, COME DOWN HERE BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS HURT! TOO LATE.
I KILLED SHACKELFORD.
( gasps ) NO, NO.
CORRECTION.
SHACKELFORD WANTS A PIZZA.
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON UP THERE? AND I WANT MY MOWER BACK WITH ENOUGH GAS TO GET TO CANADA.
WHAT DOES THE BOOK SAY? I DON'T KNOW.
UH MAYBE TEAR GAS.
AN APOLOGY.
I WANT THE CIA TO SELL OFF ITS FANTASTIC SAMS HAIRSTYLE AND SUBSIDIARY.
( sniffing ) AAH.
IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? I USE STRONGER THAN THIS TO KILL SQUIRRELS.
Boomhauer: HEY, YO, DALE, MAN.
COME ON, MAN.
WHAT YOU DOING UP THERE? MAN, ALL COMIN' CRAZY, MAN.
COME ON DOWN, MAN BOOMHAUER, IF I EVER HEARD ANYONE READING A SCRIP THAT WAS IT.
Hank: WAIT, NO! LET ME GO UP THERE.
HE'LL LISTEN TO ME.
WELL, GEE, HANK I'D THINK YOU'D BE THE PERSON DALE WOULD MOST WANT TO KILL.
HANK, I LOVED DALE, TOO BUT THE DALE WE KNEW NO LONGER EXISTS.
NOW, THERE'S JUST A BLOODTHIRSTY MAD DOG OUT TO KILL, KILL, KILL.
OH OFFICER, PLEASE LET ME GO.
IF HE STARTS FREAKING OUT, JUST DUCK AND WE'LL SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD.
DON'T SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD.
BOOK SAYS "HEAD.
" Hank: HEY, DALE? DALE, IT'S HANK HILL, YOUR FRIEND.
OUR THIRD-GRADE TEACHER WAS MR.
ST.
GEORGE.
OH, I KNEW IT.
THERE'S NO GUN, SO YOU CAN ALL GO HOME NOW.
DRIVE SAFELY.
Sergeant ( on radio ): We're not quite done here.
Why don't you bring Mr.
Sniper down and we'll talk this over.
NO.
THAT'S THEIR PLAN.
ONE SHOT ON THE WAY DOWN ELIMINATES THE GRIBBLE PROBLEM.
THEN THE CUBAN ROBOT SOLDIERS HAVE ONLY STEVE WYNN STANDING BETWEEN THEM AND WICHITA.
DALE, THERE ARE NO ROBOTS AND THERE ARE NO CUBANS.
IF THERE ARE NO CUBANS HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR DESI ARNAZ? OKAY, THERE ARE CUBANS BUT THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ( sighs ) ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? WHEN YOU GOT YOUR MOWER YOU WERE SORT OF ACTING LIKE A JERK, AND WELL, I'M NOT PROUD OF WHAT I DID, BUT Sergeant: Mr.
Hill, move six inches to your left to clear a path for the you-know-what into Mr.
Gribble's head.
NO! LISTEN, DALE, WE'RE THE ONES WHO TOOK YOUR MOWER.
BILL, BOOMHAUER AND ME-- YOUR FRIENDS.
IT WAS MY IDEA.
UH WH WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? Mr.
Hill, you dropped something.
Don't you want to bend down CUT IT OUT.
PLEASE, DALE, COME ON DOWN BEFORE YOU GET YOURSELF KILLED.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
THE ONLY POSSIBLE SCENARIOS ARE CASTRO'S ESCAPE-SUB OR YOU TOOK I AND YOU WOULD NEVER BETRAY ME.
( sighs ) WE TOOK IT, DALE.
YOU, UH, WROTE YOUR NAME UNDER THE SEAT.
CALLED YOURSELF A COLONEL.
IT WAS JUST A JOKE.
JOKES START WITH "KNOCK, KNOCK" OR "WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A" YOU KNOW, YOU USED TO BE ON MY LIST OF TRUSTABLES AND IT WAS A VERY SHORT LIST.
I WASN'T EVEN ON IT.
BUT NOW I JUST DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND.
DALE, IF I COULD DO IT AGAIN, I'D HEY, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT? I AM TOO YOUR FRIEND.
I'M AS GOOD A FRIEND AS A WEIRDO LIKE YOU IS EVER GOING TO HAVE.
NOW, COME ON, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
DO YOU TRUST ME OR NOT? ATTENTION, MEN IN POLICE SUITS: I HAVE DECIDED TO TRUST YOUR PATSY-- MY GOOD FRIEND HANK HILL.
NOT YET.
I'M COMING DOWN.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SHOOT ME I WANT BOBBY HILL TO TAKE THE SHO BECAUSE BOBBY WILL PUT ME DOWN CLEAN.
OKAY.
STAY CALM.
IF THEY WERE GOING TO SHOOT YOU THEY'D HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.
THEY WANT ME TO WET MY PANTS FROM FEAR BUT THEY'RE TOO LATE.
WHO'S THAT? VIGILANTE! HANK! THERE HE IS! UP ON THE ROOF! HANK, NO! UH HANK, NO, DON'T-DON'T DIE.
OH, GOD, YOU'RE DYING.
( gasps ) I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, HANK.
I WILL BURY YOU IN MY BACKYARD.
I'LL-I'LL DEDICATE MY LIFE TO PROPANE AND DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT PEGGY.
I'LL KEEP BILL AWAY FROM HER.
I'M FINE, DALE.
BUT IF YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT THE PROPANE I'VE GOT SOME PAMPHLETS YOU'RE FINE! YOU'RE WEARING A BULLETPROOF VEST.
YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SHOOT YOU.
WELL, THAT, OR SPRAY ME WITH POISONOUS CHEMICALS.
I THOUGHT YOU'D KILL YOURSELF RIGHT AFTER.
I WOULD HAVE, TOO.
CAN YOU MOW YOUR LAWN IN A HURRICANE? NOPE.
DIDN'T THINK SO.
HA-HA-HA-HA!
MIND IF I BORROW YOURS? ( chuckling ): ALMOST TURNED OVER, DIDN'T SHE? ( chuckling ): YEAH, SHE WAS TEASING ME.
( chuckling ): YOU DIDN'T TRY TO START IT, DALE.
THERE WERE NO ENGINE NOISES.
I'LL TRY TO START IT.
CAN I BORROW SOME GAS? DON'T WASTE MY GAS.
WE BOTH KNOW IT'S NOT GOING TO START.
THEN WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME LIKE THIS? ( disgusted sigh ) NOW, THAT'S WHERE I WANT THE TANK WHEN IT COMES BACK.
WITH GAS, NOT WATER, THIS TIME.
THAT WAS AQUAHOL.
DALE! ( frustrated groan ) Hank: SO I TAPPED HIM ON THE SHOULDER AND SAID WITH A STRAIGHT FACE "MAYBE YOU WANT TO PUT A LITTLE LACQUER IN THAT VARNISH.
" UH, LONG STORY SHORT, HE PUT SOME LACQUER IN IT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I KNOW THAT ENGINE.
DAMN IT, DALE! HANK, I'M ONLY HALFWAY DONE.
YOU CAN'T GO OUT LOOKING LIKE THAT.
( gasping ) HEY, I'M GOING TO BORROW YOUR DRILL.
WHERE'S MY MOWER?! OH.
SO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE YOUR MOWER IS.
YES! IT RAN OUT OF GAS DOWN PAST THE GAS STATION.
I'LL HELP YOU PICK IT UP TOMORROW.
YOU'RE NOT TOUCHING MY MOWER EVER AGAIN.
YOU LEFT IT OUT IN THE STREE WHERE ANY WEIRDO COULD JUST RUB UP AGAINST IT.
HANK, WHAT WOULD WEIRDOS BE DOING NEAR THE GAS STATION? WHAT WOULD WEIRDOS BE DOING NEAR THE GAS STATION? ( sighs ) OH, MY GOD! WHAT DOES IT SAY? NOTHING! UH, HANK, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T FINISH MOWING MY LAWN! DON'T EVEN ASK IF YOU CAN BORROW MY MOWER, DALE.
LIKE I WOULD BORROW THAT PIECE OF JUNK.
( scoffs ) BOOMHAUER, CAN I BORROW YOUR MOWER? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, MAN LOAN YOU MY MONOPOLY SET, MAN COME BACK DANG OL' TOP HAT'S GONE BOARDWALK GOT MUSTARD STAINS AND PARK PLACE, TOO, MAN DANG, OL' MOM COME OVER END UP PLAYIN' STRATEGO, MAN.
BILL, CAN I BORROW YOUR MOWER? OKAY.
LIKE I WOULD BORROW THAT PIECE OF JUNK.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? YOUR FLY IS DOWN.
IT'S MY YARD.
YEP.
YEP.
MM-HMM.
DALE, PROBABLY DOESN'T WANT TO SHOW HIS FACE-- HIS LAWN BEING SO SHAGGY AND ALL.
HE'S FEELING LIKE LESS THAN A MAN.
CASTRATED, YOU KNOW.
I'VE BEEN THERE.
WELL, DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR DALE.
DALE ABUSED OUR TRUST.
( gasping ) OH, MY GOD DID YOU CAN IT BE? IT, IS THAT? NO, IT'S DALE! ON A NEW MOWER! ( horn beeping ) SAY HELLO TO THE ALLEGRO X9J-- CODE-NAMED REDEEMER AT THE MASON MOWER SKUNK WORKS INSIDE MOUNT HOOD.
73 DECIBELS OF TWIN-BARREL, FOUR-STROKE WAR CRY! ALL AT A PRICE I CAN'T REALLY AFFORD.
( laughing ) SHE'S A BEAUTY, DALE.
DID YOU GET A GOOD TRADE-IN ON YOUR OLD ONE? THAT THING? I PUSHED IT INTO A LAKE THREE MONTHS AGO.
Bill: YOU LOOK SO MANLY SITTING UP THERE.
CAN I TAKE HER FOR A SPIN? I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WOULD VIOLATE THE WARRANTY, BILL.
OH, COME ON, DALE.
YOU USED HANK'S MOWER AND EVERYTHING THAT IS A WATERTIGHT SEAL.
I CAN MOW MY LAWN IN A HURRICANE.
CAN YOU MOW YOUR LAWN IN A HURRICANE, BILL? I DON'T KNOW.
YOU CAN'T MOW YOUR LAWN IN A HURRICANE.
CAN YOU, BOOMHAUER? I TELL YOU WHAT, MAN POSITRACTION GOING ON LITTLE CHOKE HOLD, MAN, STARTED BULLCORN! OH, ALMOST FORGOT.
HANK, CAN YOU MOW YOUR LAWN IN A HURRICANE? NOPE.
DIDN'T THINK SO.
HA-HA-HA-HA! HOW DO I KNOW IT'S JACK RUBY'S HAT? WELL, IF I'M GOING TO SPEND MONEY ON I I GOT TO KNOW IT'S JACK RUBY'S HAT.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT COLORS DOES IT COME IN? ( gun pops ) AAH! ( laughing ) NEXT TIME IT MIGHT NOT BE A BB! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE HERE FOR.
DALE, THIS ISN'T HOW I WANTED YOU TO FIND OUT.
QUIT SCREWING AROUND WITH MY MOWER! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.
I DON'T KID ABOUT MY MOWER.
NOW, GET INSIDE AND START MASSAGING MY WIFE.
HE'S TAKING SOME OF THE FUN OUT OF THIS.
IF DALE WATERED DOWN THE GAS AGAIN MMM, NOPE.
THIS IS SODA POP, HANK.
THAT'S JUST GREASE.
RACE YOU AROUND THE BLOCK.
YOU WRECKED MY MOWER WITH YOUR DAMN SODA! MMM.
IT'S MR.
PIBB.
I HEARD BOBBY SAY HE DID IT.
SAID HE HAD A SCORE TO SETTLE WITH YOU.
SOMETHING ABOUT A WOMAN.
I THINK SOMETHING BAD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO THAT MOWER.
OH, I DOUBT THAT, HANK.
IT'S A BRAND-NEW MOWER.
OH, I GET IT.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TELL YOU.
THANK YOU, HANK.
'CAUSE ONCE YOU RIDE A MASON VROOM! VROOM! NOTHING ELSE CUTS IT.
YOU GONNA TALK? OR YOU GONNA MOW? ( gulps ) WHA? ( gasps ) NO! ( long, sustained yelling ) ( chuckles ) HANK, MY MOWER'S GONE! SOMEBODY STOLE MY MOWER! TELL ME YOU SAW SOMETHING.
YOU'RE THE NEIGHBORHOOD SNOOP.
WELL, I DID FIND THESE LYING AROUND.
( screams ) LOOK AT THE DATE ON THAT PAPER.
THAT'S TOMORROW'S NEWSPAPER.
WHO WOULD HAVE ACCESS TO A PAPER FROM THE FUTURE YOU MIGHT ASK? THE PAPER BOY.
THAT'S TODAY'S PAPER, DALE.
THE DATE ON MY WATCH HAS BEEN SET INCORRECTLY.
WHEN DID THE PAPER BOY HAVE ACCESS TO MY WATCH? AAH, IT'S PROBABLY HALFWAY TO MEXICO.
THAT IS A MEXICAN DOG.
OH, YOU THINK THAT DOG DID IT? THAT DOG I-IS UP TO NO GOOD.
HANG IN THERE, DALE.
EVEN IF YOU NEVER GET TO SEE YOUR MOWER AGAIN YOU'LL STILL HAVE THE BROCHURE.
THANKS.
YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS ARE MY BEST FRIENDS.
( all chortling ) THE JOKE'S ALWAYS BEEN ON ME.
( snickering ) ALL MY LIFE, FOLKS WERE ALWAYS PLAYING JOKES ON ME.
AND NO WONDER-- IT'S FUN! ( evil chuckle ) THIS ISN'T SOME KIND OF ELABORATE JOKE ON ME, IS IT? ( snickering ) I FOUND THIS ON OUR DOORSTEP.
D-UH THAT'S MY OIL FILTER.
SUG, I'M NOT A LICENSED BOUNTY HUNTER BUT SHOULDN'T THEY EITHER ASK FOR RANSOM OR STOP SENDING YOU CLUES? WHY WOULD SOMEONE SENSELESSLY TORTURE ME UNLESS THEY WERE MY ENEMIES.
BOIL UP SOME MOUNTAIN DEW.
IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT.
DAD'S A THIEF.
MOM, CAN I CHECK HIS DRAWERS FOR THAT HOT WHEELS I LOST? HANK, BOBBY TELLS ME WE HAVE A NEW VEHICLE IN THE GARAGE.
MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR SON WHY YOU STOLE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S MOWER.
OH.
( chuckles ) UH, WELL, YOU SEE, BOBBY UH, THIS ISN'T STEALING.
WE WERE GOING TO GIVE IT BACK AFTER WE MADE MR.
GRIBBLE UH, SOMETIMES, THINGS THAT ARE JOKES SEEM A LITTLE MEAN, BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY FUNNY.
OH, I SEE.
KIND OF LIKE WHEN THEY FED THE FOURTH-GRADE GERBIL TO THE FIFTH-GRADE SNAKE.
NO, BOBBY.
THIS IS FUN.
IT'S NOT MEAN OR DISHONEST.
BUT DON'T TELL JOSEPH, OKAY? Peggy: BOBBY, HONEY GO PLAY OUTSIDE.
YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE SOMETHING TO DISCUSS.
ALL RIGHT, WE CAN USE PHOTO SHOP AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE LEE HARVEY OSWALD'S RIDING ON HIS MOWER.
Hank: HAVE YOU BEEN SLEEPING, DALE? YOU GOT KIND OF THAT COUNTY FAIR SMELL.
CHECK IT OUT.
IT'S FINALLY MAKING SENSE.
OSWALD MOWER GRASSY KNOLL HUH? THAT PHOTO DOESN'T EVEN LOOK REAL, DALE.
( chuckling ) WELL, I'D LIKE TO LIVE IN YOUR FAIRY-TALE WORLD, HANK BUT THE FAIR PLAY FOR CUBA COMMITTEE IS RETROFITTING MY MOWER'S ENGINE TO POWER FIDEL CASTRO'S ONE-MAN ESCAPE-SUB.
HUH.
DALE, WHY DON'T YOU RELAX.
HAVE A BEER.
NO BEER.
GOT TO STAY SHARP.
( chuckling ) HE'S GOING CRAZY.
YEAH, MAN, TELL YOU WHAT, MAN.
THAT DANG OL' MARGOT KIDDER, MAN WANDERING AROUND IN THE DANG OL' CURLED-UP CARDBOARD BOX.
WHEET-WHEET.
YEAH, BUT I THINK WE OUGHT TO GIVE THE MOWER BACK.
WE'RE PUTTING EXTRA STRESS ON A STRUCTURE THAT WASN'T UP TO CODE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
LET'S TELL HIM IT WAS US.
WELL, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
IT'S NOT YOUR NAKED BUTT IN THAT PICTURE.
YOU TOOK THE MONEY.
STILL It's me, Sug.
NANCY? ALL RIGHT, I'LL BUZZ YOU IN.
( making long buzzing sound ) SHOULDN'T YOU GET SOME SLEEP? SLEEP? I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE.
THIS IS WHERE ALL THE PREPARATION PAYS OFF.
THE BINGING.
THE PURGING.
THE CONSTANT INOCULATIONS.
( phone ringing ) IT'S ME.
( lawnmower motor running sounds ) ( Bill giggling on phone ) THEY KNOW I'M GETTING CLOSE.
SUG, YOU'VE GOT TO GET UP EARLY TO KILL THE TERMITE LARVA AT THE COLLEGE.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STAY DOWN HERE ALL NIGHT, ARE YOU? TIME HAS NO MEANING FOR ME.
WHAT IS IT? 1:00 A.
M.
? 3:00 A.
M.
? IT'S 6:00.
A.
M.
? NO.
OH.
IS DINNER READY? ALL RIGHT, I WAS GOING TO HAVE JANE FONDA OBSERVING THE AUTOPSY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? IS THAT TOO MUCH? THE BOY AT KINKO'S SAID IT WAS TOO MUCH.
( sighs ) WELL, WHEN HE GETS HOME, TELL HIM IT WAS A JOKE AND THE MOWER WAS COMFORTABLY LUBRICATED AT ALL TIMES.
OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D WANT TO FOOL DALE LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT HARD IF YOU'RE SOMEBODY HE TRUSTS.
BUT, HEY, WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON.
THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK CLEARER.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU'RE EATING, BILL, TAKE IT OUT.
OUT! OUT! TAKE IT OUT! OKAY, THAT'S BETTER.
THANK YOU.
UH-HUH.
HANK, IT'S BILL.
HE SAYS DALE'S GONE CRAZY.
I WAS AT JUNIOR COLLEGE PLAYING SOME PINBALL WITH THE BOYS AND DALE'S UP IN THE TOWER.
HE'S UP THERE WITH A GUN! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
DON'T CALL THE POLICE unless Dale starts shooting.
OKAY-- I ALREADY CALLED THE POLICE.
WHAT THE? CLEAR THE AREA.
GO, GO, GO! GET SOME SHARP SHOOTERS ON THE ROOF ACROSS THE STREET-- NOW! ( humming ) WHERE IS HE? IS HE STILL UP IN THE TOWER? WHO? THE SNIPER? HE'S NOT A SNIPER, HE'S MY FRIEND.
DALE WOULDN'T SHOOT ANYBODY.
BUT HE IS PRESIDENT OF THE GUN CLUB.
YES, HE IS PRESIDENT.
BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE OWNS THE MOST GUNS.
YES, IT'S ALL A BIG JOKE, ISN'T IT? UNTIL SOMEONE GETS HURT.
MR.
GRIBBLE WE HAVE THE TOWER SURROUNDED.
PUT DOWN YOUR GUN.
IT'S JUST A WAND.
( screaming ) THAT'S RIGHT, DALE! SHOW 'EM WHO'S BOSS! THE POLICE AREN'T TRAINED FOR THIS.
LET'S GO, GUN CLUB.
BUT DALE'S OUR PRESIDENT.
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIM.
Dale: I HAVE A HOSTAGE.
A RUSTY SHACKELFORD.
( Rusty's voice ): GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS.
I CAN'T SEE THE HOSTAGE.
THERE IS NO HOSTAGE.
"RUSTY SHACKELFORD" IS THE FAKE NAME HE ORDERS PIZZA WITH.
LOOK, HERE'S HIS MOWER.
THIS WAY, SIR.
JUST TELL HIM YOU'VE GOT HIS MOWER AND THAT IT'S SAFE.
WE HAVE YOUR MOWER.
I KNOW THAT, FIDELITO.
HANK, I WAS RIGHT.
THESE CUBANS HAVE MY MOWER.
WATCH OUT! OH PLEASE, THIS IS MY FAULT.
DALE, COME DOWN HERE BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS HURT! TOO LATE.
I KILLED SHACKELFORD.
( gasps ) NO, NO.
CORRECTION.
SHACKELFORD WANTS A PIZZA.
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON UP THERE? AND I WANT MY MOWER BACK WITH ENOUGH GAS TO GET TO CANADA.
WHAT DOES THE BOOK SAY? I DON'T KNOW.
UH MAYBE TEAR GAS.
AN APOLOGY.
I WANT THE CIA TO SELL OFF ITS FANTASTIC SAMS HAIRSTYLE AND SUBSIDIARY.
( sniffing ) AAH.
IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? I USE STRONGER THAN THIS TO KILL SQUIRRELS.
Boomhauer: HEY, YO, DALE, MAN.
COME ON, MAN.
WHAT YOU DOING UP THERE? MAN, ALL COMIN' CRAZY, MAN.
COME ON DOWN, MAN BOOMHAUER, IF I EVER HEARD ANYONE READING A SCRIP THAT WAS IT.
Hank: WAIT, NO! LET ME GO UP THERE.
HE'LL LISTEN TO ME.
WELL, GEE, HANK I'D THINK YOU'D BE THE PERSON DALE WOULD MOST WANT TO KILL.
HANK, I LOVED DALE, TOO BUT THE DALE WE KNEW NO LONGER EXISTS.
NOW, THERE'S JUST A BLOODTHIRSTY MAD DOG OUT TO KILL, KILL, KILL.
OH OFFICER, PLEASE LET ME GO.
IF HE STARTS FREAKING OUT, JUST DUCK AND WE'LL SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD.
DON'T SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD.
BOOK SAYS "HEAD.
" Hank: HEY, DALE? DALE, IT'S HANK HILL, YOUR FRIEND.
OUR THIRD-GRADE TEACHER WAS MR.
ST.
GEORGE.
OH, I KNEW IT.
THERE'S NO GUN, SO YOU CAN ALL GO HOME NOW.
DRIVE SAFELY.
Sergeant ( on radio ): We're not quite done here.
Why don't you bring Mr.
Sniper down and we'll talk this over.
NO.
THAT'S THEIR PLAN.
ONE SHOT ON THE WAY DOWN ELIMINATES THE GRIBBLE PROBLEM.
THEN THE CUBAN ROBOT SOLDIERS HAVE ONLY STEVE WYNN STANDING BETWEEN THEM AND WICHITA.
DALE, THERE ARE NO ROBOTS AND THERE ARE NO CUBANS.
IF THERE ARE NO CUBANS HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR DESI ARNAZ? OKAY, THERE ARE CUBANS BUT THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ( sighs ) ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? WHEN YOU GOT YOUR MOWER YOU WERE SORT OF ACTING LIKE A JERK, AND WELL, I'M NOT PROUD OF WHAT I DID, BUT Sergeant: Mr.
Hill, move six inches to your left to clear a path for the you-know-what into Mr.
Gribble's head.
NO! LISTEN, DALE, WE'RE THE ONES WHO TOOK YOUR MOWER.
BILL, BOOMHAUER AND ME-- YOUR FRIENDS.
IT WAS MY IDEA.
UH WH WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? Mr.
Hill, you dropped something.
Don't you want to bend down CUT IT OUT.
PLEASE, DALE, COME ON DOWN BEFORE YOU GET YOURSELF KILLED.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
THE ONLY POSSIBLE SCENARIOS ARE CASTRO'S ESCAPE-SUB OR YOU TOOK I AND YOU WOULD NEVER BETRAY ME.
( sighs ) WE TOOK IT, DALE.
YOU, UH, WROTE YOUR NAME UNDER THE SEAT.
CALLED YOURSELF A COLONEL.
IT WAS JUST A JOKE.
JOKES START WITH "KNOCK, KNOCK" OR "WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A" YOU KNOW, YOU USED TO BE ON MY LIST OF TRUSTABLES AND IT WAS A VERY SHORT LIST.
I WASN'T EVEN ON IT.
BUT NOW I JUST DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND.
DALE, IF I COULD DO IT AGAIN, I'D HEY, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT? I AM TOO YOUR FRIEND.
I'M AS GOOD A FRIEND AS A WEIRDO LIKE YOU IS EVER GOING TO HAVE.
NOW, COME ON, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
DO YOU TRUST ME OR NOT? ATTENTION, MEN IN POLICE SUITS: I HAVE DECIDED TO TRUST YOUR PATSY-- MY GOOD FRIEND HANK HILL.
NOT YET.
I'M COMING DOWN.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SHOOT ME I WANT BOBBY HILL TO TAKE THE SHO BECAUSE BOBBY WILL PUT ME DOWN CLEAN.
OKAY.
STAY CALM.
IF THEY WERE GOING TO SHOOT YOU THEY'D HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.
THEY WANT ME TO WET MY PANTS FROM FEAR BUT THEY'RE TOO LATE.
WHO'S THAT? VIGILANTE! HANK! THERE HE IS! UP ON THE ROOF! HANK, NO! UH HANK, NO, DON'T-DON'T DIE.
OH, GOD, YOU'RE DYING.
( gasps ) I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, HANK.
I WILL BURY YOU IN MY BACKYARD.
I'LL-I'LL DEDICATE MY LIFE TO PROPANE AND DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT PEGGY.
I'LL KEEP BILL AWAY FROM HER.
I'M FINE, DALE.
BUT IF YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT THE PROPANE I'VE GOT SOME PAMPHLETS YOU'RE FINE! YOU'RE WEARING A BULLETPROOF VEST.
YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SHOOT YOU.
WELL, THAT, OR SPRAY ME WITH POISONOUS CHEMICALS.
I THOUGHT YOU'D KILL YOURSELF RIGHT AFTER.
I WOULD HAVE, TOO.
CAN YOU MOW YOUR LAWN IN A HURRICANE? NOPE.
DIDN'T THINK SO.
HA-HA-HA-HA!