Married with Children s03e20 Episode Script

[DOOR SLAMS.]
Well, what did we get? Let's see marble, a slug, and this quarter I got from the blind guy.
When he turned to watch you bend over.
Yeah, you know, it's amazing how he sensed I was doing that.
Right, Kel.
Listen, there's gotta be some money in this house, so you just keep a good lookout for Mom and Dad.
I'm gonna go through their coat pockets.
Hi, kids.
[LAUGHS.]
Gee, I'm really glad you're here.
Has anyone seen my iron? Mom, we've given up on getting food and guidance, but we need money.
Okay, kids, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna take this change and throw it in the air.
Whatever you can grab is yours.
You ready? Okay.
KELLY: Get her! Hey, come on, you guys! [CLAMORING.]
Kids, kids, kids! Stop playing with your mother for a minute.
I was just up in the bathroom, and I had an emotional experience.
You washed your hands this time? No.
[LAUGHS.]
Anyhow, I'd like to share something beautiful with you.
I was up there watching my little TV, and I saw that they call The Eight Family or something.
You mean Eight is Enough.
Yeah, that's the one.
Anyway, the fat one they call "Dad" had this great idea that they all get together, and, well, I don't really know what it was about, but the important thing is they were all together, and they did it as a family.
Now, it made me think.
See, we could do more together.
For instance, how much do we really know about each other? Uh Bud.
Right.
Now, Bud, quick, when's Kelly's birthday? It was yesterday, Dad.
Hey, I'm sorry I missed it, honey.
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
Okay, but we're getting away from the point of this family thing.
Do you realize that we don't have a family picture? Well, you know, we were gonna get-- Ah, we were always gonna.
We were gonna get the picture, we were gonna take that vacation, we were gonna get the kids vaccinated, but something always came up.
Not today.
Today is gonna be Bundy Family Fun Day.
We are going to be the four family.
Only question is where are we gonna go? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, hi, you guys.
Gee, you look great.
And your house looks lovely.
Anyhow, as you can see, Steve and I are going to the beach.
It's a little tradition we have.
On the first sunny day in May, we always go to the beach to shake hands with Mr.
Summer.
Yes, our little summer tradition is watching Al sweat through his pants onto Mr.
Couch.
Well, you're lucky, Al.
For you, every day can be summer.
But I digress.
We really didn't come over to throw our happiness in your face.
Actually, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
What, grab one of your wife's legs and make a wish? If you have chicken legs, call me Colonel Sanders.
I know, baby, you do chicken right.
Guys, I'll tell you, if I had eaten something in the last 48 hours, I'd be showing you another little tradition I have.
What do you want? Well, I, uh, had a little fender bender with a rather large gentleman.
So I did what any thinking adult would do, I threw myself on the ground and screamed, "Whiplash.
" Unfortunately, he and his carload of children did the same thing.
You know, Steve, if I hadn't seen you do it before, I really would have believed your spine had snapped like a twig.
I had those kids going, didn't I? Anyhow I forgot my insurance card, so I put the information in this envelope form, and I was wondering if I could tape it to your door.
Why our door? I pleaded poverty, and to prove it, I gave them your address.
Thanks, guys.
Let's beach it, babe.
You know, Peg, Steve just gave me a great idea.
We're gonna have Bundy Day at the beach.
Peg, what're you doing? [SNIFFING.]
There's a new odor in this house.
Al? [SNIFFS.]
No, that's the old one.
I think it's coming from this envelope.
Hey, I smell it too, Mom.
It's money.
But I don't recognize the denomination.
Well, then it means that it's more than five.
Hey, I hope it's a G-spot.
Honey, that's a 10-spot.
A $100 bill! Gee, the nerve of that Steve.
He didn't trust us enough to tell us there was money in that envelope.
You know, I am really hurt.
Kids, now, I don't want you to think that everyone is as dishonest as Steve.
So to show you that honesty is the only way, we're going to take Steve's money, and leave a note for that guy, telling him exactly where to find Steve.
[LAUGHS.]
What a day! We're gonna have Bundy Day at the beach.
We're gonna get a nice picture like that eight family, and then we're going to dinner! Yeah, food! Yeah! Yay! What, you're hungry too? Ah, what the hell? Everybody eats! Yeah! Oh, Dad! Dad, look what we did! [SEAGULLS CAWING.]
Well, we're here! Well, Kel, do I spell "man" or what? Well, if you connect your zits, you might.
Well, either that or "Mississippi.
" Come here, Kel.
Yep.
I hear the ocean.
Well, I'm buffed and ready.
I'm gonna go find me a babe.
You couldn't find a woman in a gynecologist's office.
Oh, yeah? Five bucks says I get a squeeze before you.
You're on.
It's a sucker bet, Kel.
Because unlike the dances at school, this time I get to take my top off.
Okay, everybody, let's get together for the picture.
Kids! Damn! I could've taken that picture and been home already.
Honey, take a picture of me so you can remember me when I was beautiful.
What, you're gonna get worse? Shut up and take the picture.
[SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Did you get it? Got it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ahhh WOMAN: Hey! You're in my sun.
I'm trying to get an all-over tan.
Well, you're asking a lot of the sun.
[SOBS.]
Oh! [SIGHS.]
Okay, honey, let's get comfortable.
All right.
Foot powder.
Yep.
Binaca.
[SPRAY HISSES.]
Deodorant.
[SPRAY HISSES.]
Zinc oxide.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Bug spray.
[SPRAY HISSING.]
Okay Here's a little something for you to read.
[GRUNTS.]
Honey, will you put oil on me? Oh, leave me alone.
Excuse me, would you mind putting some oil on my back? Well, I-I'd be honored.
Hey, Al Look at this.
[SCREAMS.]
I'm sorry, he can't right now.
He's blind.
Really? Wait till I tell my friends I made a blind man drool.
You okay, honey? Oh, peachy.
Al let's make out.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Hey, nice throw, Chip.
Excuse me there, girls.
I didn't notice you there.
So, babes, it's nice to meet some cool chicks on a hot day.
My name's Bud.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, Bud, there's a fly drowning in the oil on what will someday be your chest.
Bud, go long.
Hmm, let's see who should I make the lucky recipient of what's behind bikini number one? Lifeguard! Help! Help! What's wrong? I feel sad every time I see an empty spot behind a rock.
Would you join me? WOMAN: Help! Help! Phew.
If they can't swim, why do they come to the beach? I know that hand.
Al? Al Bundy? Well, don't you recognize me? Marilyn Beamis? Hey, it's been a lot of years.
It sure has.
You still look great, Al.
You work out a lot? No, I barely eat.
What you been up to? Well, I got married, got divorced, had a couple of kids.
In that order.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, kids, listen, be careful there.
Don't get any sand in the beer.
You know, I think a lot about you, Al.
Remember those nights at the drive-in? Used to hide me in the trunk of the car to save that dollar? And then it'd be right from the trunk into the back seat.
Remember, Al? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, those were the good old days.
Oh, it's a nice day, isn't it, Al? Yeah.
Al would you do me a small favor? Would you make love to me right here, right now? Well, uh, see, uh, I'm married.
Well, I don't care.
Yeah, but she's, uh, right here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I don't care.
It'll make it more exciting.
Well, I'll send the kids away if you want.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, Marilyn, you always were one that would go that extra mile, but, uh I don't want this to get out, but, see, I really kind of like my family.
I don't think it'd be right.
Now, don't feel insulted or anything.
I'd say the same thing to my wife if she asked for sex.
That's too bad, Al, because you are and always will be the one man for me.
Gary? Gary Cain, you still look great.
You work out a lot? Come on, kids.
That's a real gold chain he's wearing.
Oh, I hate the beach.
Ooh, ooh, oohhh Beach-blanket bingo over here, babycakes.
Oh, hi, Steve.
How was your swim? Well, the water's a little polluted.
But invigorating.
Steve, you know, I just couldn't take my eyes off you as you emerged from the water.
The sun glistening off your powerful arms, your blond-- Uh dark hair framing your powerful shoulders.
You move with the easy grace of a jungle cat.
[PURRS.]
Well, you know, my parents toyed with the idea of naming me Tiger, but then the yellow went away, and they went with Steve.
Oh, God, it's a beautiful day, isn't it? Oh, yes.
And a perfect spot.
Mother Nature, this one's for you.
[SCREAMS.]
With you? Ugh.
[SNIFFLING.]
My bucket's broken.
Take it easy.
I'll fix it for you.
Thanks.
You're my boyfriend.
Great.
Uh, excuse me.
Hi there, I'm Bud.
Bud, uh, Bon Jovi.
We're doing a rock video for MTV, and I think you just got lucky.
Really? I'd do anything to be in a rock video.
And so you shall.
Boyfriend? Aren't you cute? He's mine.
[GASPS.]
How dare you?! I love you, boyfriend.
Want to play? Hi, cutie, do you have the time? Not for you, tramp! How dare you? Boring? Are you kidding? You are one of the most interesting guys I have ever met.
So tell me more about your life's work.
Well, my quest for the perfect tan started when I was only 12.
I came from a poor family who, uh, couldn't afford a tan.
Wow.
You've overcome so much.
I love you.
I give up.
Look, I gotta go over and talk to this girl.
Don't worry, she's my sister.
Can I come with you, boyfriend? Do I have a choice? No.
It's like I'm married.
Hey, Kel, want to go for a Slurpee? Got one.
So, Chris, wanna take me for a ride in your Vette? I don't really feel like it.
Hey, Chris, want to take me for a ride in your 'Vette? Sure! Geealone, Kel? Yeah.
Neither of us did any good today.
I guess the bet's off.
Yeah.
He's my boyfriend.
[LAUGHS.]
What, Steve? What? Oh, just thinking about that moron I smacked into today.
I mean, he saw our Mercedes, and yet he thought we were as poor as he was.
He was willing to take 100 bucks.
Did you see the fluids gushing out of the bottom of his car? A hundred bucks! I kill me.
Excuse me.
Is this your Mercedes? Oh, Steve, I'd recognize it anywhere.
It's part of Klaus! By the way, uh, the guy with the sledgehammer said your note-- "Gone to the beach.
Ha ha, loser"-- doesn't quite cover his damage.
Have a nice day, and, uh swim with a buddy.
One stinkin' picture with my stinkin' family, that's all I wanted.
Nope.
Too much for you, Bundy.
Oh Hi, honey.
Gee, I guess I fell asleep.
I know.
I was kinda hoping we could go swimming together.
I know.
And, you know, if you would have even laid a hand on that Marilyn, I would've killed you.
I know.
I thought you were sleeping.
Aw, honey, you know I can't sleep without my knee in your back.
But, you know, Al, that was very sweet what you said about liking your family.
Of course, it would have been sweeter if you'd said that after your wife you were ruined for all other women.
Well, that's actually true.
Well, we're ready to go.
Hey, wait a minute.
What happened here? Another kid? How long was I asleep? It's Bud's squeeze.
We're gonna have to have a little talk, me and you, young man.
But not right now.
Right now, I want a picture.
Kids, go over there behind your mother.
Little girl, little girl, could you stand over there and take our picture? All right, now, pretend we're not going home together.
Oh, man, just the picture I always wanted.
[SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[***.]