Roseanne s03e20 Episode Script

1 I know, Dan.
That's the throttle.
Which is Uh, like the gas.
And this is The brake.
Which is Like the brake.
And You don't ever want me to use the two of them together.
Because Because it could rip a hole in time and space, and We end up in a parallel universe.
Correct.
I can't wait till tomorrow to really lay some rubber.
Look, why don't we just tool around in the parking lot at the K-Mart first? What? You don't think I can handle this thing? No.
It's not that, honey.
This is a very special bike.
Yes, I know you love your bike.
You spend more time with this thing than you do with me.
Honey, don't get upset.
Well, it's true, Dan.
I was talking to the bike.
Well, I'm tired of being the biker chick.
I want the wind to hit my body first, you know.
I want the insects to splat across my face.
Come on, you get on the back.
Come on.
Mmm! Wow! Suddenly I feel like Ann-Margaret in Kitten with a Whip.
[Horn honks.]
Look, our favorite fun couple Becky and anybody-but-that-guy.
Oh, man, he makes my skin crawl.
Oh, honey, put on your best fake smile.
Hi, kids.
Hey, guys, check out this car.
Well, well, well.
Hey, Mark.
What happened to your truck? It's my buddy's car.
He's selling it.
Beck said you're looking to get her a car.
Oh, we are? Mom, this car is cherried out.
I mean, the frame is righteous, no bondo, V-8, tilt tranny.
No bondo? Not even a little? [Hood unlatches.]
Wow.
Dad, the motor's in really good shape.
Look at it.
Mark did the work himself.
I put in brakes, shocks, rebuilt the carburetor.
Probably made the license plates.
Hey, check out the tuna boat.
I want to sit in it.
Just look at the size of the back seat.
Just put a mirror on the ceiling.
Shut up, Darlene.
Looks like you retooled the heads.
Yeah.
New valves, seals, everything.
Nice work.
And it's only $1,500.
Thanks for bringing it by.
Come on.
Think about it.
I won't need to bug you for your car.
Mom, you won't be driving me around or worrying about me banging up your car.
We like all that stuff.
You got a nice bike.
Ever think of selling it? Actually, I'm planning on being buried with it.
So, what about the car? We'll talk, inside.
[Engine starts.]
D.
J.
Starts good.
Listen, thanks for bringing the car over.
No problem.
What, is he going to mail you your tongue back? It breaks down to about $100 a month.
This isn't your territory.
Yes, but Becky's my sister.
What touches her touches me.
So she gets a car, you get one when you're 16? You don't want me to think she's your favorite.
Well, I can live with that.
What about you, Dan? Hey, can we talk about me now? This is really important to me.
I'll get a job after school.
Well, now, there's a start.
If we all start socking it away now, maybe we can swing it by summer.
Summer? Lend me the money now, and I'll pay you back.
Geez, it's like $1,500, Becky, and that doesn't count insurance.
I know how you feel.
When I was 16, I was dying for my dad to buy me this gorgeous '64 Barracuda.
It had these yellow racing stripes on this purple body.
Get out of the "way back" machine.
Look, I have 200 bucks saved up.
Where? You only got like 40 in your sock drawer.
Mother.
I got like 50 bucks you can borrow, Beck.
That'll just leave you guys with 1,250.
So, what's in it for you? Well, I lend you the money, interest-free, and then when I'm 16, we share the car.
You think I'd share a car with you? No way.
Then forget it.
Junior miss can take the bus till she's 40.
I don't see why I'm always the one in this family who has to make the sacrifices.
Oh, yeah, right.
Let's sell the villa in France, Dan.
We hardly ever use it.
If you guys really wanted to help me, you could.
I hate it when she gets like this and there's nothing to eat! I feel bad I can't afford to buy her a car.
Oh, she'll live.
She can use one of ours at night and on weekends.
But that was the one she really wanted.
She didn't even know she wanted a car till he put her up to it.
Before she met him, the only thing she wanted out of life was to see us dead.
That's not good enough for her now.
She's got to have a car, too.
Well I miss the old days.
All right, I've been waiting 15 years for this moment.
Today you are mine.
Come to mama.
Get your motor runnin' head out on the highway born to be wi-i-i-ild born to be wi-i-i-ild Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, look, look.
Before I take you out And I promise I would and I will There's one thing you got to know about this bike It's mine! Get off it! Oh, take a major chill pill, daddy-o.
Me and this hog are going out to tear up the highway.
Now, you can either come with us or you can eat my dust.
Maybe I should ride it out of town first.
Then you can take over on the open road.
You're just afraid your low-life buddies will see you riding on the back and think you're a wuss.
Right.
Move.
Ok.
Hey, let's pop a wheelie.
Ohh.
Ok, ready? Ready.
Hang on.
Ok.
[Engine starts.]
[Revving.]
Wow.
This will be even more fun once we start moving! [Engine stops.]
Now what's the matter? Something's wrong with the bike.
What? It's not nearly as noisy as it was yesterday.
I like it noisy.
I keep it noisy.
Somebody's been messing around with it, like somebody who knows about carburetors.
Becky, get down here now! What's going on? Weren't you going to take your brother to the movies? It doesn't start for an hour.
Walk slow.
I thought you were going.
Did you and Mark take out my Harley? Answer me.
Yeah.
You are never to touch that bike.
You know that.
You said I could have a car, then took both of them last night.
So that's supposed to make it all right? Dad, the bike's fine.
Mark even adjusted the carburetor for you.
I never asked your punk boyfriend for a tune-up, and I never gave you permission to take that bike out! Ever! All right, so I screwed up again.
I'm sorry.
Don't tell me, Becky.
It's not my bike.
Ok, I'm sorry.
It was a stupid thing to do.
It was way beyond stupid.
You know what this bike means to me, but you go behind my back and take it.
If I would've asked, you would've said no anyway.
That's right! What does that tell you? Fine.
So how long am I grounded for? You don't get it, do you? This isn't some stupid curfew you broke.
Dad No! You've given us crap for months now.
I've been on your side.
I fought with your mom over you seeing Mark.
I worked on this car deal.
I'm tired of bending over backwards for you, Becky.
So, if I'm not grounded, then what? I don't know Uh, nothing.
What's the point? You do what you want anyway.
Dad, I said I'm sorry.
Just get the hell out of my sight.
So, now you're going to be a masseuse? How did you decide that, open the phone book to the middle and point? I'm just sending off for more information.
And it's not masseuse.
It's massage therapist.
So what? When people ask what my sister does, I have to say that she rubs people for money.
Shut up and give me a stamp.
Good morning.
Hey, Dan, Jackie's going to learn to be a masseuse through the mail.
Geez, Jack, what happen? Your sea monkeys die? Can I get a little support around here? Oh We're sorry.
Hey, guess what? Jackie's going to be a mass Shut up! Uh, it's ok.
Go ahead, dad.
I got to get to the job site.
So, what are you going to do today, Becky? Go to the library.
I've a report due Monday.
Dan, maybe you could drop her off.
The library? I don't know.
Yeah, sure, you do.
Remember it from high school? That That big brick building we used to smoke behind.
I'm late.
Bye-bye.
Bye, dad.
I'll give you a ride, Becky.
No.
That's ok.
I'll see you later.
Damn.
It's that Mark.
Oh, here we go.
What are you doing? You finished breakfast.
Why don't you go rub somebody? Look, if it was going to make you that crazy, why did you let Becky see Mark? I didn't! Dan did! You agreed.
Well, she's just going to see him anyway.
So you caved.
No, we didn't cave ok.
Ok, we did cave, but on our terms.
Roseanne.
I hate that kid.
He drives me nuts.
Them two pieces of hair he's got going on his face, well, I hate those pieces of hair, both of them.
Sometimes I just sit up there in that chair and try to figure out which one I hate worst! You're losing it.
Oh, catch up, Jackie.
I have already lost it.
And now Now There are no doughnuts! [Knock on door.]
Oh, man.
What do you want? Well I want to know what's the deal between you and Becky.
Why ask me? Why not ask her? 'Cause I don't know her anymore.
Ever since you, she lies, ran away from home.
You got her stealing motorcycles.
Tell me, Mark, what's next? You know, just so I'm not surprised.
I figure we'd knock over a convenience store, but don't worry.
I'll have her back by 10:00.
You think that's so funny, don't you, you little punk? This is my place.
If you're going to talk to me like that just leave.
Stop seeing her.
No.
Why? Why, Mark? Are you sleeping with her? Because if you are, you'll be in jail so fast you won't know what hit you.
She's 16, and you're 18.
In case you don't know, that's illegal, buddy.
[Opens flip-top can.]
I don't know why I'm asking you.
I don't believe nothing you say.
I don't care.
You have nothing in common with her.
I like her.
Why? What do you mean, why? Don't you? Don't give me that crap.
It's not crap.
I like her, and she likes me.
You can threaten me and your husband can threaten me, but it won't change a thing, and you know that.
Yeah, I do know it.
I can't compete with you, Mark.
I'm only her mother.
I hope you really do care about her.
Mrs.
Conner.
Tell your husband he shouldn't open his carb all the way up unless he's tooling around at some high altitude.
Yeah, well, the next time we're discussing carbs, I'll be sure to bring that up.
That's much better.
The bike sounds pretty bad, dad.
The secret's opening the carb all the way.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Hey there, Beck face.
Hey.
Hey, Darlene, how about one of the old man's patented chocolate chip milk shakes? Sure.
I could use the rush.
Ok, let's see Ice cream, chocolate syrup Skim milk.
I think we're all set.
Blender.
Blender.
Ok.
Excuse me.
Darlene, what's your pleasure? Thick thick, medium thick, or thin thick? Medium thick.
All right.
Chicken.
Ok, stand back.
Let the doctor do his work.
Becky.
What's up? Do you want a milk shake? Thick thick Ok.
Listen, I got an idea.
Why don't I cut out the silent treatment and you can forget that I'm your father and treat me like a human being? Deal? Look, dad, I'm really sorry I know.
So, what have you been up to the last couple of days? Still like this Mark guy? Y-yeah.
I know you think it was his idea about the bike, but it was mine.
I know.
It's that rebel Conner thing.
It runs in the family.
I want you to know I won't stand for it.
I just don't want you to hate Mark, you know.
I don't hate Mark.
Mom does.
Oh, mom definitely hates him.
Definitely.
Hate.
Mom does, yes.
Why? She doesn't even know him.
She's afraid of him, Becky.
You see, when she was 16, this guy pulled into her driveway with a motorcycle.
And, god, your grandma hated that guy.
And I think that's half the reason your mom married him.
Dad, I'm not going to marry him.
Geez, I'm 16 years old.
That's exactly what she told her folks.
Here we are.
I I mean it, dad.
I'm way too young to think about marriage.
Anyway, I'd have to live with him first.
Excuse me a moment.
Dad, cut it out.
You know I want to go to Europe, go to college, and have a career and stuff.
Well, how would we know that? I mean The last time you and I talked like this you wanted to be a fairy Princess.
I guess it's been a while.
Yeah.
From what we've been hearing, your whole life is Mark.
Well, it's not.
Well, tell your mom that.
Thick thick? Yeah.
Dad.
It's been a long time for that, too.
Too thick, Beck? Uh, I think I just broke a rib.
Here.
Try a spoon.
Thanks.
You bet.
Oh, gross.
Hey.
Hey.
What's going on? Nothing.
Not much.
Dad and Becky made up, and they're being so nice to each other it's pathetic.
Is that your, uh, world-famous chocolate chip shake, Dan? Thick thick.
Want one? Nope.
I'm back on my diet.
You know she's coming back.
Ah, what the hell? Oh, that feels great.
Yeah.
See? I'm good at this.
I could make it a career.
Ow! What? Jackie.
Let me check the manual.
Ok Do you have any feeling in your left side? Yeah.
Ok.
Good.
That was close.
Let me try Try this again.
No.
I don't want to do it anymore.
Come on.
You're just tense.
Work with me.
There ought to be a spot right about Ahh There.
See? Mark that page.
All right.
Now Just relax.
Let all the worries go.
Ahh.
That's it.
Oh.
All right.
Why don't you tell me about the trip that you and Dan took on the bike? Oh, it was just awesome, you know.
There we were going down the highway Dan sitting behind me, totally helpless, hoarse from screaming.
There.
Now, all those muscles are loose.
All the tension's gone.
[Horn honks.]
Hi, Beck.
Hi.
Bye.
Where are you going? Out with Mark.
I'm tense! I'm tense!