Family Guy s03e21 Episode Script

- Hi, I'm Brian Griffin.
|- I'm Stewart.
Many of you have written in|with suggestions for episodes.
- They're mostly God-awful.
|- (canned laughter) Well, we've produced|three of our favourite suggestions.
Favourites? That's charitable.
- (canned laughter)|- What is that? - It's from Dharma and Greg.
|- I'm surprised it still works.
- Whoa!|- Enjoy.
"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy (TVhost) Now back to "The Newlywed Game".
Carol, how did Nick answer the following: "The last thing I would ever|give my wife is blank"? - A little spending money?|- (laughter) Sorry, that's incorrect.
Nick actually said "the antidote".
- Nick, what are you talking abou?|- Oh, Meg, you were right.
- Oh, my God! A genie!|- I am here to grant you three wishes.
- Peter, three wishes! This is so exciting!|- I want a new hat! - I want a new hat!|- I want them to have new hats! Kids, these are your father's wishes.
|Get whatever you want.
That's easy.
I wish I could see|what Kelly Ripa was like off the set.
So it shall be.
- Great show today, Kelly.
|- Thanks.
You, too.
(muffled cries) (snarls) Gelman needs us onstage|for a couple of reshoots.
Be right there.
I have to put on my face.
Did you see the size of that dressing room? - They must really want to keep her.
|- Your second wish? I gotjust the thing.
|I wish I had my own theme music.
Done! - I don't hear anything.
|- Get up.
Try it out.
(jaunty music) Sweet! (" Peter's theme) (" wistful violin) (" Peter's theme) (" seductive soul) Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah! (" Peter's theme) Hey, wanna turn that stuff down? Come on, that's classic travelling music.
|Try to enjoy it.
"Riding on a bus, riding on a bus,|sitting next to bums "There's an open seat, hope that isn't pee - I'm sick of hearing it!|- I'm sorry, buddy, I can't turn it off.
Then I'm gonna break|every bone in your body.
- I wish I had no bones!|- Done.
(screams) That ought to show you! - (laughs)|- (screams) (screaming) Oh, no.
I gotta fart,|but I don't know which way to lean.
I know you might be a little concerned|about me not having bones, but I gotta tell you, it's not that bad.
Dad's just like Silly Putty.
Look what I can do to Mary Worth's|smug sense of self-satisfaction.
That's right, son.
Take her down a peg.
I guess we could all adjust to this.
- Look! I'm making an angel!|- See? Everything's gonna be fine.
Now smile while I write|my name in you.
(urinates) Argh! Argh! (Peter) Let go! (laughter) (Peter) Aagh! (muffled cries) But, Mom, I've got to|use the bathroom now! Your father gets incredibly filthy|rolling around everywhere.
- He has to take 12 baths a day.
|- I don't like Dad any more.
I invited some friends over|to jump on him like a trampoline, but his roll of fat sucked up Ryan's shoe and his mom yelled at him|when he got home and he beat me up at school the next day!|It's all here in this pamphlet.
We have to learn to accept this,|like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible|accident and is a burden on everybody.
They pretend to be happy,|but they're dead inside.
They're dead.
And that'll be our lives, hm? What a big, boneless jerk I am.
I might've screwed up my life but there's|no reason to keep screwing up theirs.
Goodbye, cruel bone-filled world! Oh, so this is where|all the waste and sewage winds up.
Aaaargh! Cut and print.
That's a wrap.
|Greatjob, Peter.
- Coming to the wrap party?|- I don't know.
I got a stand-up comedy class|at The Learning Annex.
Actually, I won't be a stand-up comic.
|I'll be more like an amorphous-blob comic.
- I gotta write that down.
|- Nonsense! I'll have the studio send a flatbed for you!|See you at eight! (sighs) There's something|I've wanted to say all evening.
What's that,|Mrs Catherine Zeta-Jones Douglas? - I want to jump your non-bones.
|- Jeez, I can't believe I'm your type.
As you can tell from my husband,|I've got a thing for saggy, shapeless men.
I'm married to Catherine Zeta-Jones.
|Will you sleep with me? I'll have to pass.
But Louie Anderson's eating the decorative|soaps in the bathroom.
Why not try him? - Aren't you Peter, the human stunt bag?|- That depends on who's asking.
I'm a doctor doing an experimental procedure|to give bones to ajellyfish, but I'd like to try it on a human.
Interested? - I don't know.
|- Interested? Didn't you just say that? I'll do it! The operation was a complete success!|What are you going to do now? I had the operation|so I could go back to my family.
It's been so long.
|What if they don't love me any more? Where do you think|all those bones came from? - Surprise!|- My God! You mean it's your bones that are inside me? Mostly.
We picked up|a drifter to fill in the torso.
Like I always say, a family of freaks|is better than no family at all! Let's go home! You know what's weird?|This was covered by my HMO.
You dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? That doesn't sound safe at all.
|OK, I dare you.
Wow! That was great! Six! Six bats.
Seven! Seven bats! - Is the Count a vampire?|- What's that? Those big fangs.
Have they ever shown him|do somebody in, then feed on him? You're asking if they've|done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody,|then sucks their blood for sustenance? - Yeah.
|- No.
There's something out in the yard! - It looks like the back of a tanker truck.
|- Wow! What do you think's inside? - Maybe it's candy!|- Chris, no! Lois, Lois.
Let him dream.
- Eugh! What is this stuff?|- It's some kind of nuclear waste.
Dear me.
|Does anyone else feel a trifle queasy? What? Do I have a boogie? I say! It appears my cranium has doubled in size! How delightful! This toxic stew seems|to have given me telekinetic abilities! (screams) Hey! I can make fire! Come here a second.
|This is gonna be hilarious.
OK, on the count of three.
One, two, three Do it again! All right.
Clearly something|very strange has happened here.
We've each acquired superpowers|from that nuclear waste.
We've been given a gift.
|Whether that gift is Chris's fire conjuring, Stewie's telekinesis, Brian's superspeed - Ask how the queen of England is.
|- How's - She's great.
|Peter's morphing ability Hey, Lois, I'm a wishing troll.
my superstrength, or Meg's, um super-amazing|ability to grow her fingernails, we must to use these powers properly|and not abuse them for personal gain.
- Understand?|- Yes.
- Mm-hm.
|- Got it.
Oh, no.
I forgot the detergent.
Excuse me,|would you watch him for a moment? Sure thing, ma'am.
Whoa there, little guy.
You gotta pay for that.
Go suck a railroad spike.
I have no money.
Then I'm afraid I'm gonna|have to take it away from you.
Argh! Argh! Argh! Oh, God! Please help me! (honking) Move it, you slowpoke, the light's green! What does that cloud look like to you,|honey? To me it looks like rain.
I used thatjoke at work today.
|I'm the funniest guy at the office.
- They say I should do stand-up.
|- Oh! This is insane! (gasps) Oh, my God, *NSync is in town.
|If you get me a lock of Justin's hair, I'll never ask you|for shopping money again.
Please?! We promised Lois|we'd use our powers responsibly.
I suppose doing the exact opposite|couldn't hurt.
- Hey, do you want to split a Toblerone?|- Oh, gosh! Yeah.
I think I do.
Whoo-whoo! Next stop, my thighs! All right, Meg, wait here.
I'll be right back.
Hi.
Britney Spears.
You mind if I go in? - Oh, not at all, Miss Spears.
|- Oh, call me Peter.
- Hey, fellas.
|- Britney? What are you doing here? I was in the neighbourhood -|I'm gonna steal one of your beers - and I figured I'd stop by and say hi.
You mind if I have a seat? (exhales) - I am out of shape.
I got a favour to ask you.
|- What is it? I got a hole in my car's muffler.
|I need to plug it.
- Can I have some of your hair?|- I guess so.
Oh, great.
Thanks.
All right, hold still now.
You'll be fine.
Give me a kiss.
- Agh!|- I'm Gene Shalit now! Bye! - Here's your martini.
|- Thanks.
- Hey, it's gone!|- I'm sorry, ma'am.
Here's another one.
What the hell is going on here? Hi.
Can I get some pretzels or something?|I gotta drive.
Hey, did you bring enough breasts|for the rest of the class? Hector, how long have we known each other? - Since first grade.
|- Yeah.
Yeah.
You remember that time|you called me "Chris Gristle"? - I think so.
|- Well, burn for it! It's a bird, it's a plane,|it's a lower-middle-class Irish family.
This is just one of|many public disturbances caused by the Griffin family of Quahog,|who seem to have acquired superpowers.
Very strange story, Diane.
|Coming up next: Can bees think? A new study confirms that no, they cannot.
Citizens of Quahog, we have a problem! You're damn right! Peter stole my hair! - Settle down, Jeffrey!|- Justin.
Mike.
Clearly the Griffin family|is out of control, but not to fear.
I've tangled with superbeings before.
|They can be stopped! You can't stop us, Mayor West!|We are all-powerful! Clearly you've let yourselves|become drunk with power.
Silence! - We demand obedience!|- Or else! Is that all you can do?|Ow! That kinda hurt! Is that bleeding?|I guess it's all right.
Ouch, though! Anyone who opposes our demands|will be destroyed! Our first demand:|You will erect a statue in the town square.
It will depict Blair Warner admitting to|Mrs Garrett that the poem she submitted for her creative writing class was|plagiarised from a work by Emily Dickinson.
We have spoken! Agh! That's it! We have to fight fire with fire.
If nuclear refuse gave them superpowers,|it could do the same for me.
Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump! - Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
|- Oh, my! Probably from rolling around in toxic waste.
- I see.
|- What were you trying to prove? - I was trying to gain superpowers.
|- That's just silly.
Silly, yes.
Idiotic, yes.
No, no! That's not what Mrs Garrett's|bosom looked like.
It looked more like this.
Notice the sun spots|at the top of the right can.
Excuse me.
I have a message|from the Quahog hospital.
- I just feel awful about this, Mayor West.
|- Yeah.
Me, too.
Stewie, fluff his pillows.
- I'll heat up his soup.
|- (bubbling) I'll go to China to see if there's a cure.
|Nope.
Now, now.
The doctor says I'll make|a full recovery.
But you learned your lesson.
I can't believe we let those superpowers|go to our heads.
- I feel like such a bastard.
|- Me, too.
For now, we'll use our powers|to help you get better.
Thank you.
As long as I have Mrs Garrett's|giant rack by my bedside, I'll be all right.
Girls! Girls! Girls! Hear ye, hear ye.
I call to order the|first meeting of the We Hate Broads Club.
- Yeah!|- Cos all you need in life is your best pals.
- Sure! As long as those pals ain't dames!|- O-tay! What was that? Hey! We told you guys|to quit snooping around here! We need to find a story|if I'm ever gonna be a big-time reporter.
All right, make like Siamese twins|and split and then one of you die.
When do we have the grape juice?|I came for grape juice.
Hey, Quagmire, watch this.
Hey, "kick me"! We have a new studentjoining us this|morning.
Her name is Lois Pewterschmidt.
- Ugh! Just what we need, another girl.
|- You said it! Wow! I'd like to play doctor with her! And remove her inflamed appendix|before it bursts, causing sepsis.
Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy! - What you reading?|- The Red Badge of Courage.
I sure wish I could meet a brave fella|like the guy in this book.
- You know, I'm a brave guy, Lois.
|- You're not brave enough to laugh at death! Watch me! Thanks! Like I don't have|enough trouble fitting in! You're not brave enough|to take your clothes off! Way ahead of you.
Oh! I bet you're too chicken|to spend a night at the old Selberg place.
- Cleveland, mind stepping out of the way?|- Oh, sorry.
I ain't chicken to spend the night! I ain't neither!|To prove it, I'll go up there tonight! - See you there, pal!|- You can't stay in that house! Old man Selberg's ghost still haunts it.
Not to mention the myriad|of bacteria and allergens from years of substandard housekeeping.
|It does not augur well for you.
Aw, zip it, egghead.
|You with your big words and your and your small difficult words.
Wow! Any boy who would|spend the night in that creepy place sure would be the bravest fella I ever met.
That Lois is some kind of woman.
Yeah.
Just thinking about her|makes my testicles want to drop.
Oops, speak of the devil.
|Ooh.
Make that devils.
Quagmire's team takes the left side of the|house and Peter's team will take the right.
Whoever's alive in the morning|can bury his dead pals.
Do I have a cobweb in my hair?|It feels like I have a cobweb in my hair.
(wolf howls) - What was that?|- Michael Winslow from Police Academy.
(animal sounds/helicopter sounds) - This house gives me the creeps.
|- Yeah, let's get out of here.
Wait, wait.
We can't let those guys win.
- We ought to pretend we're ghosts, see?|- Then we'll scare the other guys out We say we spent the night|and everyone thinks we're the bravest kids in the world.
|Especially Lois.
All right! Hey, I got a great idea! This'll really scare them.
Everybody set? - Check!|- Check! Sock it to me! If we had a teacup, this would be like|playing find the teacup in the bedsheet, like I do with my Aunt Sophia.
(both) Aaaagh! My God! Not only are ghosts real,|but their innards are made of children.
It's us! Whoo-oo-oo! - That's a nice effect!|- Yeah, that's really scary, Wait a second.
If you're there, and I'm here, and Istanbul is in this general area,|then who the hell is that? Ha! Get used to this sight, Diane:|Guys running away from you.
You're so deep in the closet|you're finding Christmas presents.
Remember our story:|We tell Lois we both stayed all night.
And I caught the ghost with my lasso.
I punched him so hard|he ran crying all the way back to hell! She'll have to believe that.
|It hangs together perfectly.
Our top story: Cowardly kids|lay down rubber at the old Selberg place.
Turn that up.
Peter Griffin and Glen Quagmire|were seen bolting out of the supposedly haunted house|after one half-hour, leaving only their pride|and twin trails of urine behind them.
Cheese and crackers!|Now Lois'll know everything! Not if I can help it! (imitates phone) - Newsroom.
|- This is Peter Griffin.
Stop saying that stuff|or we'll watch something else! (lisping) Today on The View:|Cooties, the silent killer.
Lois, there's something we gotta tell you.
Yeah.
We didn't stay in the haunted house.
|We're not brave.
- I've decided I don't care about bravery.
|- You don't? No.
I realised what I really like is smarts.
Sorry I'm late, darling.
|I was checking my stool for blood.
- Mort Goldman!|- He's so clever! Show 'em, Morty! Whoo-oo-oo! He got us again! This just shows that|women are nothing but trouble! You said it! Let's you and me|swear off 'em for good! And how! Quagmire, it seems to me we've each|made another 500 million dollars.
Good thing we swore off women|so we could accumulate this vast wealth.
Watch the ticker.
I'll go microwave|a bagel and have sex with it.
Butter's in the fridge!