Frasier s03e21 Episode Script

Oh, Dr.
Crane My God, after all our years together all the good times, all the bad times can't loan me a meager four thousand dollars? You must appreciate how hard it is for me to approach you about this.
I thought I meant more to you than this, but apparently I don't.
And they call themselves "the friendly bank!" What do you need to borrow money for? I saw the most exquisite Biedermeier footstool.
For four thousand bucks? Niles, your mother and I didn't pay that much for our first house.
I know, dad.
I lived there.
Well, I keep telling you, you don't have Maris's money tothrow around anymore.
You're going to have to start cutting back a little.
I have cut back.
Last month I told my masseur I could only see him once a week.
Oh, I remember that scene in "Grapes Of Wrath" when Ma Joad did that.
You know, if you need to save a bit, you should do what I do and cut out coupons.
Coupons.
Well, what a wonderful way to economize.
Well, I could clip them and give them to my personal shopper.
Oh, Niles, good morning.
Hey.
Daphne, has Bebe Glazer called back yet? 'Fraid not.
You're still consorting with that barracuda? Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles.
It's just that the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner.
I must admit she's rather hard to get a hold of these days Oh, really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.
Hello, Roz.
Hey.
What have you got on the new owner? Oh, plenty.
Yeah? His name is Wilford S.
Boone, but he likes to be called "Big Willy.
" Well, there's a little snapshot of his psyche right there.
He's an eighty-five year-old Texan.
Practically no formal education but he went from errand boy at a radio station to owning his own media empire worth six hundred million.
This is great, I don't even know what "Renuzit" is, but it's twenty cents off and I want it.
You're clipping coupons? I'm economizing.
Oh well it's about time, you spend money like a drunken sailor.
She said authoritatively.
Excuse me, could we get back to the subject at hand, please? What are you so antsy about? Dad, Wilford S.
Boone- Big Willy.
Please, Roz, I just can't say that yet, alright? Wilford S.
Boone owns thirty radio stations across the country.
If he likes you he's been known to syndicate your show nationwide.
So, I'm trying to find out if we have anything in common an angle, if you will.
So what are his interests, Roz? Well, it's all in there.
He likes whittling, rodeos, the novels of Zane Grey Gee, Fras.
It's like you two were separated at birth.
He also owns a 5,000 acre cattle ranch and the world's largest collection of antique six-shooters.
Oh dear God, I'm sucking up to Yosemite Sam! I think if we really want to impress Big Willy we should think of some Western theme to do for the show today.
Great idea, Roz.
Why don't we just start the show off with a segment on how to get in touch with your inner young'un.
What a fascinating theory! Do go on.
What's going on? Oh, this is great.
I told Gil the new station owner is a Greek tycoon.
He fell for that? Hook, line, and souvlaki! You can keep your overripe Camembert and malodorous Stilton, they can't compare with the salty insouciance of Greece's glorious Feta.
It's not just for shepherds anymore! This is Gil Chesterton saying Bon Appetite, or as we say in Athens, Kali Orexi! Oh Gil, you've been had.
The new station owner isn't Greek, he's from Texas.
You are so easy! Well, I hope you're happy! I've just given four stars to a restaurant called "A Taste Of Greece.
" Which, trust me, is no misnomer.
Well that's what you deserve, trying to suck up to some senile old coot! Hell, he probably can't eat anything but strained peas and farina! Uh, Mr Boone? Yeah, that's right.
Pleasure to see you.
I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
This is Roz Doyle, Gil Chesterton and I'm Skippy the lunch boy.
So, uh, that's two strained peas and a farina for the big guy.
Oh, uh, Skippy? Change my order! I've got a sudden hankering for baby-back ribs and corn bread.
Oh, I've been looking for you Dr.
Crane.
I have a little problem and they told me you're just the fella who could fix it.
Oh, I hope I'm not imposing.
Oh, no, don't be silly, Mr.
Boone.
Well, actually I prefer "Big Willy.
" Don't be silly, Big Willy.
You see, I'm engaged to be married.
Oh, congratulations.
Well, sweet young thing.
Just nuts about me.
Problem is, she smokes.
Oh lord, that is a very bad habit.
Oh, it's a vile habit! Would have destroyed my affection for her if, well she didn't possess certain compensating gifts.
Anyway, as a favour to me, could you help her? Well, I'll certainly try.
Just keep in mind, though, addiction is fraught with many complex issues.
Length of habit, motivation Forgive me, sometimes I don't express myself too clearly.
When I say, "could you help her," what I meant to say was HELP HER! Consider it done.
Much obliged.
She'll be in touch.
That's me, Dr.
Frasier Crane, bimbo wrangler.
Frasier, stop it! This is a golden opportunity! You makethis little tootsie quit smoking and we're halfway to syndication.
Did someone just say the word "syndication," or do I just hear it every time I lay eyes on my favorite client? Oh, Bebe.
Is something wrong, dear? Well, yes.
We just met Big Willy Oh, he thinks I'm some sort of a magician.
He wants me to play therapist to his little fiance? No doubt some gold-digging piranha so devoid of scruples that she's willing to rob the coffin and just Oh, dear God! Isn't it wonderful? We met last month and it was love at first sight.
First sight of what - his bankbook and a cardiogram? Two minutes.
I'm hurt that she can even joke about such a thing.
I love that dear sweet old man with every fibre of my being.
I'm sure you do.
I'm afraid there won't even be a wedding if you can't get rid of that rotten habit, and he's just ordered me to see that you do! God, you'd think a touch of emphysema were the end of the world! What's that in your hand, woman? Sorry, pudd'n.
Bebe slipped.
Just that all-important last puff.
Well, see that it is! Well, Dr.
Crane, I'm heading out of town for three days.
When I get back on Sunday, I expect my little gal here to be smoke-free by then.
In three days? Now, you do whatever it takes to help her, doc! Drugs, straightjackets, electroshock You see how he dotes on me.
Excellent progress, Bebe! You've really dived into the emotional void that is the route of your addiction.
Your fear of abandonment, your fear that those you trust will suddenly turn their backs when you expect them to Excuse me.
My God, it all seems so clear now.
You're a miracle worker.
If I had a dime for every time well Niles! Hello Frasier, I noticed you were out of capers the other night, so I got you this.
Thank you Niles, but why so many? I just discovered a place called "Price Buster's Warehouse.
" You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary and they have a huge selection.
I found french fries and french doors in the same aisle.
Well, the next time you go back be sure to buy me a thousand swordfish so I can use these up! You laugh, but I could do it like that.
So, how goes the great smoke-out? Until today, I had no idea what a brilliant therapist your brother is.
He has tunneled his way into the very depths of my psyche.
Well, let's hope he sent a canary down first.
Well, I'll be running along.
I'll see you at ten tomorrow.
In the mean time, it's exercise, lots of fresh spring water and nicotine gum for cravings.
That's my girl.
Oh, Bebe, you know I'm writing a paper on addiction and I'd love to ask you some questions - unless there's some reason you're eager to be off? Me? No.
No, not at all.
Well, I just need to discuss a personal matter with Frasier first.
Of course, I'll give you some privacy.
It's time for my water anyway.
Yes, Niles? Let her out that door, she'll smoke half a pack before the elevator hits the lobby.
How can you know that? You hardly spoke to her.
Well, obviously you didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in her eyes.
She always looks like that, she's an agent.
I know about addiction.
It's the exact same look Maris used to get during the cough syrup years.
The only way to deal with it is to lock her up, take her money, and watch her like a hawk until it's out of her system.
That means she would have to stay here for the weekend.
Who's staying all weekend? Bebe Glazer.
Here? What does she have to stay here for? She's trying to quit smoking.
Oh great, that means she'll be extra lovable.
Not to worry dad, there is no reason she has to stay for the weekend.
Bebe and I made a real breakthrough today.
If you don't believe me, just come on into the kitchen and you'll see that I'm right.
I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with your paper, Niles, wedding preperations and all.
But I'll remember those helpful hints.
It's exercise, gum, and lots of water.
Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse fires.
All right Niles, secure the door! Bebe, you are not going anywhere, you're staying for the weekend.
Now give me that purse.
All right.
Let me remove one very precious momento.
Very well.
Oh, stop it! More! What again? That's her third serving.
Now, now Dad, it's flattering to Daphne that Bebe finds her food so tasty.
I'm orally fixated.
I could eat a half-stunned wharf rat if you put some gravy on it! I'll bear that in mind come breakfast time.
No, please, please.
Let's all try to remain supportive of Bebe.
I think she's really doing rather well.
So, I hear your fiancee is well to do? Very.
You gonna eat that fat? Well, marrying money can have it's perils.
Ten or fifteen years down the line, after you've adapted to a lifestyle now totally beyond your means, you can find yourself cast aside a hollow husk, penniless and crushed.
Niles, Big Willy's eighty-five, he's on his third pacemaker.
Ah.
Mazel tov! Just out of curiosity, has this guy ever seen you eat? After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most.
As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
Well, this is very good, Bebe.
You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
Yeah, yeah! No, really.
Perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone.
Dad is an ex-smoker.
Dad, can you tell us about those moments you crave a cigarette most? Ah, when I had insomnia.
I'd get up, pour a water glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette - next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open.
Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette.
Of course, gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.
Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted.
To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
You know there's a word for people who can do that.
What is it? Oh, yes - bitch! There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
It isn't disgusting, it's wonderful! Oh now, Bebe, tell me.
What is so wonderful about smoking? Everything.
I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand.
I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light.
I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips.
Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me.
I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs.
Little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper, until I think I'm going to burst! Then - whoosh! - watching it flow out of me in a lovely, sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same.
More potatoes, anyone? You're up early, Miss Moon.
Oh! God, you startled me! Ever since your little speech about smoking, I haven't been able to think about anything else.
Please, don't mention this to Dr.
Crane.
Silence has its price, dear.
And I think we both know what that is.
Forget it! You can't make me give you one of these.
Oh can't I?! You open up right now! All right, missy, here's the drill! You drop those cigarettes, I'll open the door, you kick 'em over to me, capisce? No! Oh, is it cold outside? All right, you asked for it! No! No! Please, I beg you.
Oh, oh no.
My fingers are getting weak.
Oh, oh, I'm losing my grip.
Stop, please! I'll give you anything you want.
I'll I'll make you a star! What the hell's going on out here? Daphne was smoking! She made me! Daphne, give me those.
Oh, look at me! I'm all damp and chilled to the bone.
I'll get you a towel.
My God, it's five-thirty in the morning! Dad! I couldn't sleep.
Have you people all lost your minds? Alright, now listen, get back to bed, every one of you! All right, all right Thank god you came in when you did! She was praying on my weakness.
Who knows what I might have done, probably THIS! Oh, get her! Stop that woman! Bebe, you will not be allowed to smoke a cigarette in this house! No, no, don't even think about it! All right, just give me those! All right now, that's it! Back to bed! Oh my God, you're insane, woman! That's it, no more house guests.
Get off me, you brute! Hand them over! Never! That'll be the neighbours! Hello? Oh, hello! One moment, please.
It's Big Willy! Big Willy, hello! No, no, it's not too early, everybody's up! Well, you know, there have been a few minor setbacks, but I'm keeping on top of her, yeah.
Oh yeah, I know she'd love to say hi, hang on.
Hello, pudd'n.
I'm fine, and you? Oh, nothing's too much trouble for you daddy.
Bye now! Yes, sir? Oh, oh, really? No, no, I'm very flattered.
Yes, of course, I'd love to, I'll talk to you this evening.
Bye-bye.
Thank you, Daphne.
All right, now listen up! He thinks I'm very gifted.
Mmm.
He thinks I'm wasting my talents in just one city! My God, woman, he wants to take me national, don't you get it? Unless YOU ruin it for me! Oh my God, sorry.
Here, take 'em.
I don't know what came over me.
Well, don't be too hard on yourself, Bebe.
After all, addiction to Nicotine is a very, very difficult hey, wait a minute.
This pack is half-empty! For God's sake I don't care anymore.
You know, I can't help you, nobody can.
You want to ruin it for both of us? Here, go ahead, knock yourself out.
I only wish I could be there when it happens.
When what happens? When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead.
" Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news.
Watch the casket being slipped into the ground.
Only, you won't be watching that.
No, no, you'll be watching the widow Boone.
Tiffany, perhaps.
Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"! Stop it! You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR yachts, sleeping with YOUR gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no! Because you'll have your cigarette.
Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged Enough! God! You are one hell of a therapist.
Hey, you back from the wedding already? No.
There was no wedding.
No wedding, no syndication deal What's she doing here? No money, no fame Well, you might say things hit a bit of a snag.
No beach house, no pool boys Oh will you get a grip, Roz?! Well, what went wrong? Well, they were halfway down the aisle - Big Willy beaming proudly, Bebe radiant, supporting Big Willy on her arm - when suddenly he clutched his heart, and his head slumped against Bebe's shoulder.
Of course we were all concerned at first, but then suddenly it seemed like he was all right because they kept moving on down the aisle.
But if you looked carefully, you could see Bebe's little biceps bulging through her wedding gown, and I swear I noticed daylight between Big Willy's dress boots and the carpet.
Well, once they got up to the minister the jig was pretty well up, despite Bebe's valiant attempts to animate his features by twisting the loose skin at the back of his neck.
You know, I've never seen a woman more crushed.
Well, if I were you I'd get her away from that balcony rail.
The doorman gets ticked if you even through a piece of gum over the side.
Bebe, dear? Please, come on in.
That's a girl.
All right, let me have a look at you.
Come on, here we are.
Well, I don't really blame you, dear.
You know, Roz and I are both upset too.
You know, look at it this way: at least you're no worse off than you were before.
You don't know the things I did for that man - the depraved, Western-themed appetites I satisfied! He was eighty-five, how bad could it have been? Ever worn a saddle? Do I have to answer that? Well, you know, Bebe, there are other Big Willys out there, better ones! Richer, older Impotent! Oh dear, you always know what to say.
I know what hell I put you through over this.
I insist that you take this, as a small token of my gratitude.
Oh Bebe, really Look, Roz! It's a gold Rolex! Oh my goodness Bebe where did you get this? Just don't wear it to the funeral.
Guest Starring RICHARD HAMILTON as Big Willy