Home Improvement s03e21 Episode Script

Oh, you guys are doing so great.
This is gonna raise a lot of money for the library.
I hate to break this to you, Mom, but you forgot to put the date on the invitations.
It's not supposed to have a date.
It's a "no dinner" dinner.
What's that? It's a dinner party with no dinner and no party.
Sounds great, Mom.
Put me down for five "no tickets.
" I know it sounds a little confusing, but this way, the library doesn't have to buy food or rent a hall.
They get to keep all the money they raise.
Then why do you send an invitation? Why don't you just ask for money? 'Cause it's fun.
You know, people get into it.
Cool.
Tonight, I think I'll throw myself a "no homework" homework party.
Yeah, right.
Morning, everybody.
Morning.
Big day today.
We're doing a huge Tool Time.
What's it about, Dad? We're building a man's kitchen.
What's that, a kitchen where you stand over the sink to eat? No, a man's kitchen.
You can cook a cow, braise a buffalo, grill a grizzly.
(grunts) You can eat grizzly? Yeah, sure.
Tastes like chicken.
And with the leftovers, you can make a peanut butter and grizzly sandwich.
(grizzly-like roar) What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? The Binford 6100 is available at fine hardware stores everywhere.
Remember, if your drill says "Binford," get outta the house! Tools aren't supposed to talk to you! Now the moment we've all been waiting for - the introduction of the man's kitchen.
A guy's galley.
I am man, hear me roast.
(grunts) Well, Tim, what do you say we start her up? That's right.
The only kitchen I know that has an ignition system.
(motor turns over) Come on, come on.
Maybe we should get jumper cables, hook it up to another kitchen.
I think I got it.
(motor starts) Listen to that baby purr.
Let's step inside, take a tour of the man's kitchen.
(grunts) Well, we start first here at men's fine china.
That's right.
paper plates.
These plates are available in standard black and white walls.
Now we move on to the most important part of the meal - vegetables.
For most men, there's only two kinds of vegetables - your beans and your potatoes.
I had my beans yesterday.
I know.
Now, potatoes mmm, hard to cook, 'cause when a guy wants to eat, a guy wants to eat.
He can't wait for endless seconds on a microwave.
That's why we've got the Binford macrowave.
Three convenient power settings - "high,""really high" and "split your own atoms.
" Now, Tim, won't this put out a little too much radiation? Mm, that's a good safety tip, Al.
That's why we're equipped with these.
Lead vests.
Also useful in case Superman wants to take a peek at your underwear.
No problem there.
I'm not wearing any.
Don't wanna overcook a potato, so only in there a couple of seconds.
Now don't look directly at the potato.
(ding) Once they stop glowing, they're probably ready to eat.
Grab the potatoes.
All right.
Hot potato! Hot potato! Here we have our beverage center.
We got beer, got root beer, Pepto-Bismol.
But now we get to that main course.
Ooh, yeah.
The main course in every man's meal is what? That would be meat.
The redder (both) The better.
The man's refrigerator - stainless-steel doors, big cubic inches.
What does every man dream about having in a refrigerator? That's simple, Tim.
A butcher.
Benny, how are you doing? Hey, Tim.
Hi, Al.
What will it be today? I don't know.
I got a hankering for a thick porterhouse.
Good choice.
I'll take the petite filet mignon.
Takes all kinds.
Here you go.
Good-looking meat.
Thanks a lot.
Stay cool.
All right, we flip them on our grill.
Now, you don't wanna overcook 'em.
You just want 'em flame-kissed.
Ding! They're done.
All right.
(moos) Still moving, Al.
Now we're ready to put on our seasoning.
Right.
We got hot sauce, steak sauce, barbecue sauce.
What's your pick? Not one of those.
I'd like just a pinch of salt.
You got it, friend.
(coughing Well, I seem to have messed up your dinner.
Let's get rid of those plates.
Right down to the recycling center.
Now, we've cleaned the dishes.
What about all the mess in the kitchen? The grease, the appliances, the floor, the walls? What do we do now? Tim, the best thing about the Binford men's kitchen is it's entirely self-cleaning.
It is.
That's right.
We got the Binford kitchen-washing system here.
You step out of the kitchen, shut your waterproof doors ( fanfare) Klaus, can we cut the? What is this, a Renaissance fair? You add your detergent pellets early in the week, then you put it on heavy wash, spin dry, energy saver.
Start your wash.
In a half-hour, you got a clean kitchen.
Floors, walls, the whole thing's Yeah, that's a fine charity.
I'm sure that they have a lovely dinner, but our dinner's a little different.
There is no dinner.
No, this is not a crank call.
Uh, we're having a "no dinner" dinner.
It means you don't have to get dressed up and sit in a big impersonal ballroom and make small talk with people you don't know.
You like that.
Well, um, maybe you could just send a contribution anyway.
You know, 'cause the library really needs Hello? I can't believe she hung up on me.
Hi.
Hi.
What's the matter? This "no dinner" dinner thing is not as easy as I thought.
Nobody understands it.
I can't think about it right now.
My mind's racing.
The man's kitchen went over bigger than I ever expected.
You know what the end of next week is? No, what? It's the fifth anniversary of Tool Time.
I can't believe you don't remember this.
Tim, when is our anniversary? February.
February what? Middle.
You are so pathetic.
Listen to me.
This anniversary show is huge.
It's gotta be bigger than a kitchen show.
I gotta think of something that will knock the audience's socks off.
Why don't you show highlights from some of your best shows? As good as those would be, you can't just show clips for an anniversary show.
You've gotta think big.
Help me.
OK, how about this? All right.
You take the whole crew to Arizona.
I'm with you.
Drive to the Grand Canyon.
Yeah.
Fill the whole thing in with putty.
That's ridiculous.
Putty.
Al.
Al! I've got a great idea for our Tool Time anniversary show.
I've been thinking about that, too.
It should be something simple, tasteful and totally tool-oriented.
How about taking the whole crew down to Indy Speedway? I like it.
Yeah! There's more.
I'll challenge Michael and Mario Andretti to race with myself.
Great! What about me? You can serve sandwiches and wash the cars and stuff.
President Davidson.
Hi, guys.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you, Al.
Tim, Tim, Tim.
What, what, what? I'm sitting in Binford headquarters the other day, I turn on the show that we sponsor, and what do I see? The glare of your head reflecting off the screen? No, Tim.
I see a kitchen that has sucked up your budget for the next six months, although I do appreciate your using my brother-in-law as the butcher.
These figures are off.
Did you see the ratings? They went through the roof.
It doesn't justify what you spent.
We talked about this.
You promised you were gonna start cutting back.
I did cut back.
You know those those lead vests? Al's was only lead-plated.
Excuse me.
I have to see a doctor now.
It was a joke.
A joke, a joke, a joke.
Well, I'm not joking, Tim.
From now on, you don't spend a cent unless I OK it.
All right.
We'll start after the anniversary show.
Wait.
What have you got planned for that? Well, we're going to Indianapolis.
Aah Really? Well, two words come to mind.
Uh-uh.
No, no.
Look, let me just-just try to explain this to you again.
This is a "no dinner" dinner.
It doesn't matter what you wear.
There is no place to wear it to.
No, no, there's no point in ordering a vegetarian plate.
There's no food.
No food.
Look, just send me a check, OK? Goodbye.
Jill.
Jill.
Guess what happened when Davidson saw You will not believe what I'm going through with this fund-raiser.
You think it's hard to sell tickets to a dinner? Try selling tickets to a "no dinner" dinner.
He cut the budget on the show.
I am sick and tired of asking people for money.
It is so degrading.
Talk about degrading.
He People treat me like a bill collector! You know, they have their numbers changed just to avoid talking to me.
They see me at the supermarket, there's this mad rush for the door.
I wanted to have the Andrettis on You have no idea what it's like to be the cause of a multi-shopping cart collision.
Unfortunately, I do know how that feels.
I did this out of the goodness of my heart.
If I could just I am so tired of giving, giving, giving.
When this is all over, I don't want anybody to ask anything of me ever again.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
What were you saying? How was your day? Oh, my, my, my, I know it must be spring when I hear the sweet sounds of a wire bristle on a rusty grill.
That's it, Wilson.
What have you got there? Tim, I'm about to add some bacterial organisms to my milk.
Really? I'm more of a chocolate syrup kind of guy.
(chuckles) No, no, no, no, Tim.
I'm making yogurt.
The bacteria sours the milk.
You must have put some of that in my boss' milk.
He's sour all the time.
Tool Time troubles, Tim? Our fifth anniversary show is coming up.
I wanna make a big deal, but Davidson won't pay for it.
I want to make a big, spectacular gift to my audience.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know, Tim, in ancient China, there was once an emperor, and every year on his birthday, everybody in the land would bring him a gift.
And every year, the gifts became more and more elaborate.
I get your point.
That's very good, 'cause I haven't made one yet.
One year, a small boy appeared before the emperor and told him that he had no riches to give.
The only gift that he had was a song.
You know what the emperor did? Got him booked on Dick Woo's Chinese Bandstand.
You're not making this easy, Tim.
Anyway, when the emperor heard this song, he was so moved that he proclaimed it the greatest gift of all, because it was a gift that came from the heart.
Well, I must get back to the yogurt.
Does everybody know what time it is? (all) Tool Time! That's right.
Here he is celebrating his fifth fabulous year - Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you.
Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everybody.
Thanks very much.
That's kind of you.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you know my assistant - Al "Stand By Your Tool Man" Borland.
It's great to be here on this auspicious occasion.
Happy anniversary, Tim.
You, too, and happy anniversary to the audience out there.
If you look under your seats, there's a personalized gift from "The Tool Man.
" Made you look.
We've had a lot of fun these last five years.
A lot of it's to do with my family.
They're here today.
Let's meet 'em, can we? My lovely, beautiful and very attractive wife Jill.
Brad, Mark and Randy - my little boys.
Oh, and my neighbor's here up behind them.
Wilson, say hi.
Festum diem anniversarium tibi, Tim.
What? That means "Happy anniversary to you" in Latin.
The Ancient Romans Not now, Wilson, not now.
We've got plenty of show to do here, buddy.
There's a lot of ways we could celebrate our fifth anniversary.
Could've gone to Indy and had some race drivers on.
But Al and I decided to do something more from the heart, like the young Chinese boy that smelled his own yogurt.
We started the show with a very small budget.
It was just two guys with a passion for tools.
And one guy who knew how to use them.
Yeah.
So I went to Binford's headquarters, in the archives, and got our first episode, and I put together a little highlight tape.
Ladies and gentlemen, the birth of the tool show.
Does everybody know what time it is? (all, unenthused) Tool Time.
That's correct.
Binford Tools is happy to present your host Tom Taylor.
(plays theme) Uh, thank you, Mrs.
Binford.
It's Tim Taylor.
All right.
Well, welcome, audience, to the premiere episode of Tool Time.
It's a show that celebrates men and their tools.
Before we get to our project today, I'd like to bring out an assistant that we hired for me.
We auditioned contractors all through the Detroit area, a lot of professional men, and this is the guy that would work for the money we offered.
So, let's bring him out.
A contractor, a master plumber and a Pisces - Albert Borland.
Come on out, Albert.
Good to have you here.
Hi.
OK.
It's nice to have you here.
I'm Al Borland, and I'm pleased to make your acquaintance.
I'm also very honored to be part of your tool education.
It's over here, though.
You would look into this camera.
Um My wife suggested I cut the beard for the look, but I think it fits Oh, no, no.
I like a man in a beard.
Whoa, big fella.
Speaking of big fella, who's that big guy you were talking with backstage? That was my mother.
OK.
Before we get started, the first thing we're gonna learn today is how to drive a stake.
I don't understand.
Aren't we talking about wooden stakes? Albert can I call you Al? OK.
This is supposed to be a joke.
Guy driving a steak.
Ah We've leveled our dirt.
We got some form up.
Al, you guide us the rest of the way.
We've done about everything until we pour the concrete, so all we need to do now is set the stakes, close in the form.
Exactly! We need a sledgehammer for that.
Mrs.
Binford There you go, Tom.
Thank you, Mrs.
Been-In-The-Sauce.
Al, will you hold the stake while I drive her in? I'd be pleased to, Tim.
With an expert like Tim, I know I'm in good hands.
I think we've had about enough of that.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed our first episode.
Not so fast.
Jill and I have a surprise for you.
What? We knew you were disappointed when we couldn't do the show live from Indy.
So we brought a little bit of Indy to you.
What'd you do? Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Andretti and Johnny Rutherford.
Hey, hey! Hey.
Great stuff.
Ah Put 'er there.
Al, honey, this is Oh, boy.
Well, um, our guests.
Michael Andretti, you've come from Formula One to race Indy cars.
With the Chip Ganassi team, right? And Johnny Rutherford - three-time Indy winner.
This is just too great.
Your dad didn't show up - Mario.
Where's he? Dad couldn't come.
He's racing his racecar, but I brought somebody just as old.
I believe I beat you here from the airport, kid.
That's 'cause I used Tim's directions.
Guys, guys.
We're not on a dirt track here.
Come on, let's enjoy ourselves.
Who talked you into doing this? Well, your wife can be a pretty persuasive woman.
Yeah.
She even talked us into a "no dinner" dinner.
Hope there's chicken.
We'll talk with the drivers after this message from Binford.
That's amazing.
I had no idea you could do that in an Indy car.
That's unbelievable.
I gotta thank Michael Andretti and Johnny Rutherford for being on the show.
How about a round of applause for the boys here? Yeah.
Along with our guests, Al and I wanna thank the people really responsible for Tool Time.
I wanna get everybody out here.
All the grips, the prop people, costumes, lights, everybody.
Come on, everybody out here.
Everybody! Everybody here on Tool Time.
Wait a minute.
Hey, cameramen, too.
You guys gotta get out here.
Come on, everybody.
Come on.
Uh-oh.
Bad idea.
(Tim) Come on out, Albert.
Golly, gosh, darn it, we've had some fun, haven't we, over the years? And a lot of it's to do with my family.
I wanna spin over here and introduce my family here.
My beautiful, talented, brilliant wife Pat.