King of the Hill s03e21 Episode Script
Revenge of the Lutefisk
SO I TOLD THAT STATE TROOPER IGNORANCE OF THE LORD IS NO EXCUSE, EITHER.
WELL, THAT WAS QUICK.
YEAH, WELL, THE WINSTON CUP'S ON AT NOON AND REVEREND THOMASON ALWAYS WRAPS IT UP IN PLENTY OF TIME.
AND NOW, FRIENDS, I'M SAD TO SAY THAT I'VE DECIDED TO RETIRE FROM ARLEN FIRST METHODIST.
( gasps ): WHAT?! RETIRE? THE MAN WORKS HALF A DAY A WEEK! AFTER MUCH REFLECTION AND SOUL-SEARCHING I HAVE DECIDED THAT THE FUTURE OF GOD IS ON THE INTERNET.
CYBERREV.
COM WILL SPREAD THE GOSPEL TO EVERY ON-LINE SOUL IN THE WORLD UNLESS YOU HAVE A.
O.
L.
I'LL BE HOSTING A POTLUCK DINNER ON SATURDAY TO WELCOME YOUR NEW MINISTER THE NEW GUY BETTER LIKE SPORTS.
REVEREND KAREN STROUP.
A WOMAN? SO, IT'S UP AND RUNNING-- THE SECRET LAB IN THE BASEMENT OF THE HARVARD DIVINITY SCHOOL WHERE THEY ORDAIN WOMEN SURGICALLY.
THE PEBBLE BEACH CELEBRITY GOLF PRO-AM IS THIS SUNDAY.
IF THIS GAL'S SERMON RUNS LATE-- YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN LIKE TO TALK-- WE'RE GOING TO MISS MATT LAUER'S OPENING DRIVE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK GOD SENT A FEMALE MINISTER HERE TO PUNISH ME.
FIRST SINGLE GAL TO MOVE TO ARLEN IN YEARS AND SHE'S FORBIDDEN TO MARRY.
UH, BILL, MINISTERS CAN MARRY.
OH.
( chuckles ): THANK YOU, GOD.
WAIT TILL COTTON FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS FEMALE MAN OF GOD.
I ALMOST HESITATE TO FAX IT TO HIM.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, DALE.
I TOLD YOU TO STOP SENDING MY DAD "THE GRIBBLE REPORT.
" YOU TELL ME A LOT OF THINGS, HANK, MOST OF WHICH I PUBLISH.
NOW, BOBBY, HONEY, LET'S TRY TO MAKE REVEREND STROUP FEEL VERY WELCOME, OKAY? SOME PEOPLE, THEY JUST CANNOT ACCEPT WOMEN IN POSITIONS OF REAL AUTHORITY.
I REMEMBER MY FIRST DAY AS A FOURTH-GRADE SUBSTITUTE TEACHER.
LOOK.
THERE SHE IS! I'M A SUCCESSFUL TIRE DISTRIBUTOR.
BACK ME UP.
WELL, HELLO, REVEREND.
I AM PEGGY HILL AND THIS IS PEGGY HILL'S FRITO PIE.
IT IS A TRADITIONAL TEXAS RECIPE THAT I FOUND ON A BAG OF FRITOS.
WELL, PEGGY HILL.
PEGGY HILL, PEGGY HILL, PEGGY HILL.
GOOD.
YOU ARE IN FOR A REAL TREAT.
I'VE PREPARED A LITTLE TASTE OF MINNESOTA CALLED LUTEFISK.
IT'S A SCANDINAVIAN DELICACY MADE BY BAKING CODFISH IN A SOLUTION OF LYE UNTIL THE BONES BECOME GELATINOUS.
( gulps ) ( loudly ): OH, WHAT?! OKAY, HONEY! WE'LL-WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE! OH, MY HUSBAND IS DYING TO MEET YOU.
HANK HILL, HANK HILL, HANK HILL.
GOOD.
SO, YOUR FIRST SERMON TOMORROW.
( chuckles ): YOU NERVOUS? YEAH, A LITTLE.
ME, TOO.
YOU SEE, THE PEBBLE BEACH PRO-AM IS ON AT 1:30 AND MY VCR DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK.
OH, THAT COULD BE A PROBLEM.
THE QUARTERBACK CHALLENGE IS ON AT 1:15.
DON'T WANT TO MISS THAT.
YOU'RE A FOOTBALL FAN? LET'S JUST SAY BETWEEN GOD AND THE VIKINGS SUNDAY'S NOT MY DAY OF REST.
( chuckles ) WELL, YOU MIGHT BE ALL RIGHT.
( chuckles ) UH, SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, HOW ARE YOU FIXED FOR PROPANE? ( gobbling ) ( sighs ) THIS STUFF STINKS.
( gobbling ) WHEN I FOUND OUT I'D BEEN ASSIGNED TO A CHURCH IN TEXAS I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED.
A LOT OF FEMALE MINISTERS DON'T LAST TOO LONG DOWN HERE.
YEAH, IT GETS PRETTY HOT IN THE SUMMER.
HANK, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
DO YOU LIKE FISH? ONLY CATCHING THEM, GUTTING THEM AND EATING THEM.
Stroup: JUST A TASTE, HANK.
I WANT EVERYONE IN THE CONGREGATION TO HAVE SOME LUTEFISK AND I ONLY MADE ENOUGH FOR 30.
MY LUTEFISK! WHERE IS MY LUTEFISK?! I PUT IT RIGHT HERE BETWEEN THE FRITO PIE AND THE FRITO PIE.
HAS ANYONE SEEN IT? ( everyone murmuring ) Dale: MAYBE YOU PUT IT ON THE DESSERT TABLE NEXT TO MY LEMON BARS.
WELL, IT'S NOT HERE.
CAN EVERYONE HELP ME LOOK? I FOUND IT! DID ANYONE GET TO TRY SOME? SOMEONE JUST THREW IT OUT? THAT'S RIGHT.
I FOUND IT IN THE TRASH! OH, POOR REVEREND STROUP, HUH? JUST SEEING HOW MUCH PEOPLE ENJOYED MY FRITO PIE MUST HAVE WELL, IT MUST HAVE BEEN SALT IN HER WOUNDS.
IT'S SORT OF AN ODD WAY TO ATTACK A GAL-- TO THROW OUT HER FAVORITE FISH.
MM-HMM, BUT I DOUBT THERE IS ANYTHING THAT COULD HAVE HURT THAT WOMAN MORE.
( groaning ) Hank: LET'S GO! IF WE GET TO CHURCH LATE WE'LL HAVE TO PARK IN THE DIRT LOT! I MET Y'ALL LAST NIGHT.
I KNOW YOU ARE GOOD PEOPLE, DECENT PEOPLE.
I'M NOT GOING TO JUDGE THE WHOLE TOWN BASED ON THE SINS OF ONE LOST SOUL.
( stomach gurgling ) I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO JUDGE THAT ONE PERSON BECAUSE I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS.
WELL, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.
PLEASE OPEN YOUR BIBLES TO MARK 6:41.
"AND THE TWO FISHES, DIVIDED HE AMONG THEM ALL "AND THEY DID ALL EAT AND WERE FILLED.
" ( stomach gurgles ) "AND THEY TOOK UP 12 BASKETS FULL OF THE"-- MOM, I LEFT A SHOE IN THE CAR.
BE RIGHT BACK.
LET US PRAY.
WHAT DID I MISS? DID SHE DANCE YET? HOW DID HE FIND OUT ABOUT THIS? PSSST! COLONEL, I SAVED YOU A SEAT.
HERE'S ANOTHER MINNESOTA TRADITION THAT'S NOT SO EASY TO THROW IN THE GARBAGE.
LET'S EVERYONE RISE AND HUG THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU.
LEAVE IT TO A WOMAN TO TURN GOD'S HOUSE INTO A LOVE SHACK! PERMISSION TO HUG YOU, COLONEL.
DENIED! GO HUG YOUR WIFE! I CAN'T.
SHE'S HUGGING THE PERSON NEXT TO HER.
LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED SOMEONE TO HUG.
LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED TO READ YOUR BIBLE AND I QUOTE: "WOMEN SHOULD REMAIN SILENT IN THE CHURCHES.
"THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK "BUT MUST BE IN SUBMISSION"-- CORINTHIANS.
YES, BUT IN THE BOOK OF BILLY GRAHAM-- MAN.
JIMMY SWAGGART-- MAN.
KAREN STROUP ENOUGH! IF YOU HURT THIS WOMAN-- THIS SINGLE WOMAN-- AND YOU TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME I PROMISE, I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN! I MADE MY POINT.
IF YOU NEED ME I'LL BE IN THE ONE PART OF THIS CHURCH THAT'S STILL MEN'S ONLY.
I'M SORRY I ATE ALL THE LUTEFISK.
( groans ) WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TASTE SO GOOD? WHY? ( gasps ) ( shrieks and coughs ) MERCY! MISTER, WHAT DID YOU EAT?! AW, FORGET IT.
I'LL TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.
( toilet flushing ) ( rattling ) Man: HELLO? HELLO? IS ANYONE IN THERE? HELLO? ARE YOU OKAY? ( knocking ) ( whimpering ) ( rattling ) ( groans ) ( sniffing ): WHAT'S THAT SMELL? NOTHING.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I KNOW THAT SMELL.
( alarm ringing ) FIRE! ( all screaming ) OH, GOD.
OH, GOD.
PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE THE PROPANE TANKS.
I JUST SPOKE TO THE ARSON INVESTIGATOR.
HIS INVESTIGATION POINTS TO ARSON! ( everyone gasping ) SOMEONE DID THIS BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT A WOMAN MINISTER.
TO HIM I SAY, YOU CAN BURN DOWN OUR CHURCH BUT YOU CANNOT BURN DOWN OUR FAITH.
OUR FAITH IS THE KIND OF STUFF THAT CHILDREN'S PAJAMAS SHOULD BE MADE OF.
Man: AMEN.
WHY WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO BURN DOWN OUR CHURCH? HONEY, THEY WEREN'T TRYING TO BURN DOWN OUR CHURCH.
THEY WERE TRYING TO KILL REVEREND STROUP.
THE, UH, FIRE STARTED IN A GARBAGE CAN IN THE MEN'S ROOM.
( gasping ) AND I READ IN THE PAPER THAT THE FLAMES WERE SO HO THEY LITERALLY BURNED THE VERY WOOD THE CHURCH WAS MADE OF.
BOBBY, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED YOUR ARROZ CON CHICKEN.
I'M NOT EATING EVER AGAIN.
AW, I DON'T BLAME YOU.
I ATE BUGS IN THE WAR TASTED BETTER THAN THIS.
ACTUALLY, COTTON, I THINK HE'S UPSET ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHURCH.
IT BURNT DOWN.
I FEEL SO BAD.
( sobbing ) IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, HONEY.
WHOEVER COMMITTED THIS HATE CRIME IS THE ONE WHO SHOULD STARVE HIMSELF TO DEATH, NOT YOU.
( crying louder ) OH OUR SWEET, SWEET, LITTLE SENSITIVE LITTLE BOY.
HE FEELS EVERYTHING SO DEEPLY, LIKE A POET A COWBOY POET.
IT IS WITH A HEAVY HEAR THAT I WELCOME YOU TO THIS INTERFAITH PRAYER SERVICE.
PROTESTANT AND CATHOLIC, JEW AND BUDDHIS MAN AND WOMAN-- WE ARE ALL BROUGHT TOGETHER TODAY BY HATE OH, I HATE HATE.
HATE THAT THROWS OUT MY LUTEFISK, HATE THAT BURNS DOWN OUR CHURCH, HATE THAT MAKES AN INNOCENT LITTLE BOY STOP EATING.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WOULD BOBBY HILL PLEASE COME UP TO THE MICROPHONE? GO ON, HONEY.
IT'LL BE OKAY.
PSST.
MINH.
MINH.
( clicking sound ) BOBBY, THE STRENGTH OF YOUR DEVOTION IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL.
THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU TO BE THE FIRST TO KNOW THE POLICE HAVE FOUND THE MATCHBOOK THAT STARTED THE FIRE AND ARE CLOSING IN ON THE ARSONIST.
( applause ) ( crowd murmuring ) BOBBY! FOR THE SAKE OF THIS POOR, TORTURED SOUL PLEASE HELP US FIND THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS HATE CRIME.
IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MIGHT CARRY A MATCHBOOK FROM A STRIP CLUB IN HOUSTON, TELL THE POLICE.
THE MATCHBOOK CAME FROM A STRIP CLUB IN HOUSTON.
A STRIP CLUB IN HOUSTON, HANK.
A STRIP MY FATHER DID NOT BURN DOWN THE CHURCH.
LOTS OF GUYS GO TO STRIP CLUBS IN HOUSTON.
OH, AND ALSO GO TO CHURCH IN ARLEN WHERE THEY HARASS FEMALE MINISTERS AND THEN ANNOUNCE THEY'RE GOING TO THE MEN'S ROOM WHERE A FIRE IS STARTED WITH MATCHES FROM A STRIP CLUB IN HOUSTON? Cotton: GRIBBLE! GRIBBLE! YOU GOT TO HELP ME! THEY FOUND MY GIRLIE-BAR MATCHES.
IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THEY ACCUSE ME OF CHURCH BURNERY.
COLONEL, I WOULD BE HONORED IF YOU USED MY PHONE TO CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY.
BUT I DIDN'T DO IT, YOU IDIOT.
THE EVIDENCE SUGGESTS OTHERWISE.
THEY'VE GOT YOUR MATCHBOOK AND IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE I TURN YOU IN.
AW OKAY.
HERE'S HOW IT WENT DOWN.
I TRIED TO GO TO THE LATRINE BUT THERE WAS ALREADY A MAN IN THERE.
I LIT ONE MATCH IN SELF-DEFENSE AND THEN BEAT A HASTY RETREAT.
THE SMELLY MAN MUST HAVE SET THE FIRE AFTER I LEFT.
FIND THE MAN WITH THE TERRIBLE SMELL AND YOU'LL HAVE YOUR ARSONIST.
SIR, YOUR ONLY HOPE IS TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT.
( surprised grunt ) ( dog barking ) WAKE UP, HANK.
( moans ) GOING SOMEWHERE? NOW, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TURN AROUND, GO BACK TO BED AND NO ONE GETS HURT.
( police siren approaching ) QUICK! YOU GOTS TO HIDE ME! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
COTTON HILL, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR ARSON.
YOU GOT THE WRONG MAN! LET ME DOWN! MOM, HE DIDN'T START THE FIRE.
HE COULDN'T HAVE.
- BOBBY! - GRANDPA! - I DIDN'T DO IT! - I BELIEVE YOU! - IT WAS SOMEBODY ELSE! - I KNOW! LOOK FOR THE MAN WITH THE TERRIBLE SMELL! HE'S THE ONE YOU WANT! YOU HEAR ME? THE MAN WITH THE TERRIBLE SMELL! I'LL MISS YOU.
OKAY, SHOW'S OVER.
NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
EVERYONE GO HOME.
UH, IT'S A CIRCUS OUT THERE.
BY NOW, IT'S ALL OVER TOWN-- MY DAD IS AN ARSONIST.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO SURPRISED.
I HAVE ALWAYS SAID THAT MAN IS CAPABLE OF ANYTHING.
BEFORE, PEOPLE USED TO LOOK AWAY OR PRETEND NOT TO HEAR ME.
BUT NOW, THEY WILL ALL HAVE TO NOD IN AGREEMENT-- YES, THEY WILL.
EVEN IF GRANDPA DID DO I IT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S A BAD PERSON.
BOBBY, I'VE ALWAYS STOOD BY MY DAD NO MATTER WHAT.
AND THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF "WHAT" OVER THE YEARS.
BUT BURNING DOWN A CHURCH I JUST DON'T KNOW.
BUT HE'S STILL YOUR FATHER NO MATTER WHAT, RIGHT? WELL I KNOW YOU CAN DISOWN A CHILD.
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING LIKE THAT FOR A PARENT.
I'D LIKE A ONE-WAY TICKET TO MEXICO, POR FAVOR.
THAT MEANS "TODAY.
" Woman: BOBBY? GRANDMA DIDI? OH, BOBBY I JUST CAME IN FROM HOUSTON.
COTTON IS IN JAIL.
I KNOW.
ARE YOU HERE TO BAIL HIM OUT? THERE'S NO BAIL.
HE'S BURNED DOWN A CHURCH.
NOW OUR BABY IS GOING TO GROW UP WITHOUT A FATHER.
NOT YOUR AND MY BABY.
COTTON'S AND MY BABY.
I FEEL SO BAD.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I KNOW IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE AND FORGET ABOUT IT? THIS BABY WAS AN ACCIDENT, TOO.
BUT IF I FORGOT ABOUT I IT WOULD NEVER GET BORN.
I THINK YOU HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACCIDENTS.
COTTON THINKS SO, TOO.
AT LEAST HE STOPPED SAYING HE DIDN'T.
REALLY? HE SAID, IF THE BABY TURNED OUT AS GOOD AS YOU, BOBBY, THEN HE WILL NOT ABANDON IT.
Peggy: COTTON, YOU HAVE GOT TO CONFESS.
YOU WILL FEEL BETTER AND I WILL FEEL BETTER.
THEY'RE OFFERING YOU A GOOD DEAL.
COP TO THE HATE CRIME AND THEY'LL DROP THE 123 COUNTS OF ATTEMPTED MURDER.
NO DEALS.
I'M NOT TAKING A FALL FOR THE SMELLY MAN.
DANG IT, DAD, THERE IS NO SMELLY MAN.
NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.
I SPENT TWO WEEKS ON IWO JIMA BURIED UNDER A PILE OF BODIES.
THE THINGS I SMELLED YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.
BUT I'LL NEVER FORGE WHAT I SMELLED THAT DAY IN THE CHURCH.
IT WAS A VENGEFUL STINK.
IT WAS A STINK FOR THE AGES.
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT STINKS, OLD MAN.
YOUR STORY STINKS.
( breathlessly ): GRANDPA! DAD! MOM! ( panting ) IT WAS IT WAS ME.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
I ATE THE LUTEFISK.
I GOT SICK IN THE BATHROOM.
I LIT THE MATCHES.
I BURNED DOWN THE CHURCH.
I LET EVERYONE BLAME GRANDPA.
I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T DO IT.
YOUR BOY IS THE MAN WITH THE TERRIBLE SMELL.
OH I KNEW IT.
I KNEW THIS WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
BOBBY, YOU ARE GOING TO MARCH DOWN THAT HALL AND TELL THE POLICE EVERYTHING.
SEE IF MAYBE THEY WILL SPARE YOUR GRANDFATHER'S LIFE.
OKAY.
NOBODY'S GOING NO PLACE.
SIT DOWN, HANK, HANK'S WIFE.
YOU, TOO, STINKY.
HEY, DON'T CALL HIM THAT.
OH, I'M SORRY.
DID I HURT YOUR FEELINGS, STINKY? GRANDPA? IT DON'T FEEL SO GOOD, DOES IT? WELL, GET USED TO I 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE'S GOING TO CALL YOU IF YOU GO BLABBING TO THE POLICE STINKY.
HE'S RIGHT.
OH, LORD, AND THERE ARE OTHER NAMES, TOO.
YEAH, HOW ABOUT ARSONIST? THAT'S WHAT THEY'LL BE CALLING HIM IN STATE OF TEXAS v.
BOBBY HILL.
SO MANY NAMES.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? YOU'LL DO WHAT I SAY IS WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO.
NOW GET THE COPS IN HERE.
TELL THEM I'M READY TO CONFESS.
NO, DAD, YOU CAN'T.
I'M AN OLD MAN.
EVERYBODY ALREADY HATES ME.
BUT BOBBY, HE'S JUST A CHILD.
HE'S GOT HIS WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF HIM.
COTTON, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? IF I CAN TAKE A BULLET FOR MY GRANDSON I'LL DO IT.
BUT NOT IN THE FACE.
THAT'S HOW I MAKE MY LIVINGS.
HOW YOU MAKE YOUR SEND THEM IN.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I TOLD THE COPS.
I'M THE ONE WHO BURNED DOWN YOUR CHURCH BUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
AS FOR THE MAN WITH THE TERRIBLE SMELL WELL, THAT WAS ME, TOO.
I'M OLD; I GOTS NO SHINS MY PLUMBING DON'T WORK SO GOOD NO MORE.
I BLAMED THE FIRE ON SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE I WAS EMBARRASSED BY MY OWN TERRIBLE SMELL.
THE DIGESTIVE PROBLEMS OF THE ELDERLY ARE THEIR CROSS TO BEAR AND WE SHOULD PITY THEM NOT CONDEMN THEM.
OH COTTON HILL, YOU HAVE MY FORGIVENESS AND MY LOVE.
AND I INVITE THE ENTIRE CONGREGATION TO OFFER YOU THEIR FORGIVENESS AND LOVE WITH A HUG.
( groans ) MOM, AS LONG AS WE'RE CONFESSING REMEMBER WHEN GRANDPA BROKE THE ARM OF YOUR BOGGLE TROPHY 'CAUSE HE WAS PLAYING SOCCER IN THE HOUSE? HMM, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM FOR THAT.
IT WAS ME.
I FORGIVE YOU.
Cotton: BUT NOT IN THE FACE.
THAT'S HOW I MAKE MY LIVINGS.
WELL, THAT WAS QUICK.
YEAH, WELL, THE WINSTON CUP'S ON AT NOON AND REVEREND THOMASON ALWAYS WRAPS IT UP IN PLENTY OF TIME.
AND NOW, FRIENDS, I'M SAD TO SAY THAT I'VE DECIDED TO RETIRE FROM ARLEN FIRST METHODIST.
( gasps ): WHAT?! RETIRE? THE MAN WORKS HALF A DAY A WEEK! AFTER MUCH REFLECTION AND SOUL-SEARCHING I HAVE DECIDED THAT THE FUTURE OF GOD IS ON THE INTERNET.
CYBERREV.
COM WILL SPREAD THE GOSPEL TO EVERY ON-LINE SOUL IN THE WORLD UNLESS YOU HAVE A.
O.
L.
I'LL BE HOSTING A POTLUCK DINNER ON SATURDAY TO WELCOME YOUR NEW MINISTER THE NEW GUY BETTER LIKE SPORTS.
REVEREND KAREN STROUP.
A WOMAN? SO, IT'S UP AND RUNNING-- THE SECRET LAB IN THE BASEMENT OF THE HARVARD DIVINITY SCHOOL WHERE THEY ORDAIN WOMEN SURGICALLY.
THE PEBBLE BEACH CELEBRITY GOLF PRO-AM IS THIS SUNDAY.
IF THIS GAL'S SERMON RUNS LATE-- YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN LIKE TO TALK-- WE'RE GOING TO MISS MATT LAUER'S OPENING DRIVE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK GOD SENT A FEMALE MINISTER HERE TO PUNISH ME.
FIRST SINGLE GAL TO MOVE TO ARLEN IN YEARS AND SHE'S FORBIDDEN TO MARRY.
UH, BILL, MINISTERS CAN MARRY.
OH.
( chuckles ): THANK YOU, GOD.
WAIT TILL COTTON FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS FEMALE MAN OF GOD.
I ALMOST HESITATE TO FAX IT TO HIM.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, DALE.
I TOLD YOU TO STOP SENDING MY DAD "THE GRIBBLE REPORT.
" YOU TELL ME A LOT OF THINGS, HANK, MOST OF WHICH I PUBLISH.
NOW, BOBBY, HONEY, LET'S TRY TO MAKE REVEREND STROUP FEEL VERY WELCOME, OKAY? SOME PEOPLE, THEY JUST CANNOT ACCEPT WOMEN IN POSITIONS OF REAL AUTHORITY.
I REMEMBER MY FIRST DAY AS A FOURTH-GRADE SUBSTITUTE TEACHER.
LOOK.
THERE SHE IS! I'M A SUCCESSFUL TIRE DISTRIBUTOR.
BACK ME UP.
WELL, HELLO, REVEREND.
I AM PEGGY HILL AND THIS IS PEGGY HILL'S FRITO PIE.
IT IS A TRADITIONAL TEXAS RECIPE THAT I FOUND ON A BAG OF FRITOS.
WELL, PEGGY HILL.
PEGGY HILL, PEGGY HILL, PEGGY HILL.
GOOD.
YOU ARE IN FOR A REAL TREAT.
I'VE PREPARED A LITTLE TASTE OF MINNESOTA CALLED LUTEFISK.
IT'S A SCANDINAVIAN DELICACY MADE BY BAKING CODFISH IN A SOLUTION OF LYE UNTIL THE BONES BECOME GELATINOUS.
( gulps ) ( loudly ): OH, WHAT?! OKAY, HONEY! WE'LL-WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE! OH, MY HUSBAND IS DYING TO MEET YOU.
HANK HILL, HANK HILL, HANK HILL.
GOOD.
SO, YOUR FIRST SERMON TOMORROW.
( chuckles ): YOU NERVOUS? YEAH, A LITTLE.
ME, TOO.
YOU SEE, THE PEBBLE BEACH PRO-AM IS ON AT 1:30 AND MY VCR DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK.
OH, THAT COULD BE A PROBLEM.
THE QUARTERBACK CHALLENGE IS ON AT 1:15.
DON'T WANT TO MISS THAT.
YOU'RE A FOOTBALL FAN? LET'S JUST SAY BETWEEN GOD AND THE VIKINGS SUNDAY'S NOT MY DAY OF REST.
( chuckles ) WELL, YOU MIGHT BE ALL RIGHT.
( chuckles ) UH, SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, HOW ARE YOU FIXED FOR PROPANE? ( gobbling ) ( sighs ) THIS STUFF STINKS.
( gobbling ) WHEN I FOUND OUT I'D BEEN ASSIGNED TO A CHURCH IN TEXAS I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED.
A LOT OF FEMALE MINISTERS DON'T LAST TOO LONG DOWN HERE.
YEAH, IT GETS PRETTY HOT IN THE SUMMER.
HANK, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
DO YOU LIKE FISH? ONLY CATCHING THEM, GUTTING THEM AND EATING THEM.
Stroup: JUST A TASTE, HANK.
I WANT EVERYONE IN THE CONGREGATION TO HAVE SOME LUTEFISK AND I ONLY MADE ENOUGH FOR 30.
MY LUTEFISK! WHERE IS MY LUTEFISK?! I PUT IT RIGHT HERE BETWEEN THE FRITO PIE AND THE FRITO PIE.
HAS ANYONE SEEN IT? ( everyone murmuring ) Dale: MAYBE YOU PUT IT ON THE DESSERT TABLE NEXT TO MY LEMON BARS.
WELL, IT'S NOT HERE.
CAN EVERYONE HELP ME LOOK? I FOUND IT! DID ANYONE GET TO TRY SOME? SOMEONE JUST THREW IT OUT? THAT'S RIGHT.
I FOUND IT IN THE TRASH! OH, POOR REVEREND STROUP, HUH? JUST SEEING HOW MUCH PEOPLE ENJOYED MY FRITO PIE MUST HAVE WELL, IT MUST HAVE BEEN SALT IN HER WOUNDS.
IT'S SORT OF AN ODD WAY TO ATTACK A GAL-- TO THROW OUT HER FAVORITE FISH.
MM-HMM, BUT I DOUBT THERE IS ANYTHING THAT COULD HAVE HURT THAT WOMAN MORE.
( groaning ) Hank: LET'S GO! IF WE GET TO CHURCH LATE WE'LL HAVE TO PARK IN THE DIRT LOT! I MET Y'ALL LAST NIGHT.
I KNOW YOU ARE GOOD PEOPLE, DECENT PEOPLE.
I'M NOT GOING TO JUDGE THE WHOLE TOWN BASED ON THE SINS OF ONE LOST SOUL.
( stomach gurgling ) I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO JUDGE THAT ONE PERSON BECAUSE I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS.
WELL, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.
PLEASE OPEN YOUR BIBLES TO MARK 6:41.
"AND THE TWO FISHES, DIVIDED HE AMONG THEM ALL "AND THEY DID ALL EAT AND WERE FILLED.
" ( stomach gurgles ) "AND THEY TOOK UP 12 BASKETS FULL OF THE"-- MOM, I LEFT A SHOE IN THE CAR.
BE RIGHT BACK.
LET US PRAY.
WHAT DID I MISS? DID SHE DANCE YET? HOW DID HE FIND OUT ABOUT THIS? PSSST! COLONEL, I SAVED YOU A SEAT.
HERE'S ANOTHER MINNESOTA TRADITION THAT'S NOT SO EASY TO THROW IN THE GARBAGE.
LET'S EVERYONE RISE AND HUG THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU.
LEAVE IT TO A WOMAN TO TURN GOD'S HOUSE INTO A LOVE SHACK! PERMISSION TO HUG YOU, COLONEL.
DENIED! GO HUG YOUR WIFE! I CAN'T.
SHE'S HUGGING THE PERSON NEXT TO HER.
LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED SOMEONE TO HUG.
LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED TO READ YOUR BIBLE AND I QUOTE: "WOMEN SHOULD REMAIN SILENT IN THE CHURCHES.
"THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK "BUT MUST BE IN SUBMISSION"-- CORINTHIANS.
YES, BUT IN THE BOOK OF BILLY GRAHAM-- MAN.
JIMMY SWAGGART-- MAN.
KAREN STROUP ENOUGH! IF YOU HURT THIS WOMAN-- THIS SINGLE WOMAN-- AND YOU TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME I PROMISE, I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN! I MADE MY POINT.
IF YOU NEED ME I'LL BE IN THE ONE PART OF THIS CHURCH THAT'S STILL MEN'S ONLY.
I'M SORRY I ATE ALL THE LUTEFISK.
( groans ) WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TASTE SO GOOD? WHY? ( gasps ) ( shrieks and coughs ) MERCY! MISTER, WHAT DID YOU EAT?! AW, FORGET IT.
I'LL TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.
( toilet flushing ) ( rattling ) Man: HELLO? HELLO? IS ANYONE IN THERE? HELLO? ARE YOU OKAY? ( knocking ) ( whimpering ) ( rattling ) ( groans ) ( sniffing ): WHAT'S THAT SMELL? NOTHING.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I KNOW THAT SMELL.
( alarm ringing ) FIRE! ( all screaming ) OH, GOD.
OH, GOD.
PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE THE PROPANE TANKS.
I JUST SPOKE TO THE ARSON INVESTIGATOR.
HIS INVESTIGATION POINTS TO ARSON! ( everyone gasping ) SOMEONE DID THIS BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT A WOMAN MINISTER.
TO HIM I SAY, YOU CAN BURN DOWN OUR CHURCH BUT YOU CANNOT BURN DOWN OUR FAITH.
OUR FAITH IS THE KIND OF STUFF THAT CHILDREN'S PAJAMAS SHOULD BE MADE OF.
Man: AMEN.
WHY WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO BURN DOWN OUR CHURCH? HONEY, THEY WEREN'T TRYING TO BURN DOWN OUR CHURCH.
THEY WERE TRYING TO KILL REVEREND STROUP.
THE, UH, FIRE STARTED IN A GARBAGE CAN IN THE MEN'S ROOM.
( gasping ) AND I READ IN THE PAPER THAT THE FLAMES WERE SO HO THEY LITERALLY BURNED THE VERY WOOD THE CHURCH WAS MADE OF.
BOBBY, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED YOUR ARROZ CON CHICKEN.
I'M NOT EATING EVER AGAIN.
AW, I DON'T BLAME YOU.
I ATE BUGS IN THE WAR TASTED BETTER THAN THIS.
ACTUALLY, COTTON, I THINK HE'S UPSET ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHURCH.
IT BURNT DOWN.
I FEEL SO BAD.
( sobbing ) IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, HONEY.
WHOEVER COMMITTED THIS HATE CRIME IS THE ONE WHO SHOULD STARVE HIMSELF TO DEATH, NOT YOU.
( crying louder ) OH OUR SWEET, SWEET, LITTLE SENSITIVE LITTLE BOY.
HE FEELS EVERYTHING SO DEEPLY, LIKE A POET A COWBOY POET.
IT IS WITH A HEAVY HEAR THAT I WELCOME YOU TO THIS INTERFAITH PRAYER SERVICE.
PROTESTANT AND CATHOLIC, JEW AND BUDDHIS MAN AND WOMAN-- WE ARE ALL BROUGHT TOGETHER TODAY BY HATE OH, I HATE HATE.
HATE THAT THROWS OUT MY LUTEFISK, HATE THAT BURNS DOWN OUR CHURCH, HATE THAT MAKES AN INNOCENT LITTLE BOY STOP EATING.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WOULD BOBBY HILL PLEASE COME UP TO THE MICROPHONE? GO ON, HONEY.
IT'LL BE OKAY.
PSST.
MINH.
MINH.
( clicking sound ) BOBBY, THE STRENGTH OF YOUR DEVOTION IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL.
THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU TO BE THE FIRST TO KNOW THE POLICE HAVE FOUND THE MATCHBOOK THAT STARTED THE FIRE AND ARE CLOSING IN ON THE ARSONIST.
( applause ) ( crowd murmuring ) BOBBY! FOR THE SAKE OF THIS POOR, TORTURED SOUL PLEASE HELP US FIND THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS HATE CRIME.
IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MIGHT CARRY A MATCHBOOK FROM A STRIP CLUB IN HOUSTON, TELL THE POLICE.
THE MATCHBOOK CAME FROM A STRIP CLUB IN HOUSTON.
A STRIP CLUB IN HOUSTON, HANK.
A STRIP MY FATHER DID NOT BURN DOWN THE CHURCH.
LOTS OF GUYS GO TO STRIP CLUBS IN HOUSTON.
OH, AND ALSO GO TO CHURCH IN ARLEN WHERE THEY HARASS FEMALE MINISTERS AND THEN ANNOUNCE THEY'RE GOING TO THE MEN'S ROOM WHERE A FIRE IS STARTED WITH MATCHES FROM A STRIP CLUB IN HOUSTON? Cotton: GRIBBLE! GRIBBLE! YOU GOT TO HELP ME! THEY FOUND MY GIRLIE-BAR MATCHES.
IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THEY ACCUSE ME OF CHURCH BURNERY.
COLONEL, I WOULD BE HONORED IF YOU USED MY PHONE TO CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY.
BUT I DIDN'T DO IT, YOU IDIOT.
THE EVIDENCE SUGGESTS OTHERWISE.
THEY'VE GOT YOUR MATCHBOOK AND IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE I TURN YOU IN.
AW OKAY.
HERE'S HOW IT WENT DOWN.
I TRIED TO GO TO THE LATRINE BUT THERE WAS ALREADY A MAN IN THERE.
I LIT ONE MATCH IN SELF-DEFENSE AND THEN BEAT A HASTY RETREAT.
THE SMELLY MAN MUST HAVE SET THE FIRE AFTER I LEFT.
FIND THE MAN WITH THE TERRIBLE SMELL AND YOU'LL HAVE YOUR ARSONIST.
SIR, YOUR ONLY HOPE IS TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT.
( surprised grunt ) ( dog barking ) WAKE UP, HANK.
( moans ) GOING SOMEWHERE? NOW, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TURN AROUND, GO BACK TO BED AND NO ONE GETS HURT.
( police siren approaching ) QUICK! YOU GOTS TO HIDE ME! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
COTTON HILL, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR ARSON.
YOU GOT THE WRONG MAN! LET ME DOWN! MOM, HE DIDN'T START THE FIRE.
HE COULDN'T HAVE.
- BOBBY! - GRANDPA! - I DIDN'T DO IT! - I BELIEVE YOU! - IT WAS SOMEBODY ELSE! - I KNOW! LOOK FOR THE MAN WITH THE TERRIBLE SMELL! HE'S THE ONE YOU WANT! YOU HEAR ME? THE MAN WITH THE TERRIBLE SMELL! I'LL MISS YOU.
OKAY, SHOW'S OVER.
NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
EVERYONE GO HOME.
UH, IT'S A CIRCUS OUT THERE.
BY NOW, IT'S ALL OVER TOWN-- MY DAD IS AN ARSONIST.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO SURPRISED.
I HAVE ALWAYS SAID THAT MAN IS CAPABLE OF ANYTHING.
BEFORE, PEOPLE USED TO LOOK AWAY OR PRETEND NOT TO HEAR ME.
BUT NOW, THEY WILL ALL HAVE TO NOD IN AGREEMENT-- YES, THEY WILL.
EVEN IF GRANDPA DID DO I IT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S A BAD PERSON.
BOBBY, I'VE ALWAYS STOOD BY MY DAD NO MATTER WHAT.
AND THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF "WHAT" OVER THE YEARS.
BUT BURNING DOWN A CHURCH I JUST DON'T KNOW.
BUT HE'S STILL YOUR FATHER NO MATTER WHAT, RIGHT? WELL I KNOW YOU CAN DISOWN A CHILD.
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING LIKE THAT FOR A PARENT.
I'D LIKE A ONE-WAY TICKET TO MEXICO, POR FAVOR.
THAT MEANS "TODAY.
" Woman: BOBBY? GRANDMA DIDI? OH, BOBBY I JUST CAME IN FROM HOUSTON.
COTTON IS IN JAIL.
I KNOW.
ARE YOU HERE TO BAIL HIM OUT? THERE'S NO BAIL.
HE'S BURNED DOWN A CHURCH.
NOW OUR BABY IS GOING TO GROW UP WITHOUT A FATHER.
NOT YOUR AND MY BABY.
COTTON'S AND MY BABY.
I FEEL SO BAD.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I KNOW IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE AND FORGET ABOUT IT? THIS BABY WAS AN ACCIDENT, TOO.
BUT IF I FORGOT ABOUT I IT WOULD NEVER GET BORN.
I THINK YOU HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACCIDENTS.
COTTON THINKS SO, TOO.
AT LEAST HE STOPPED SAYING HE DIDN'T.
REALLY? HE SAID, IF THE BABY TURNED OUT AS GOOD AS YOU, BOBBY, THEN HE WILL NOT ABANDON IT.
Peggy: COTTON, YOU HAVE GOT TO CONFESS.
YOU WILL FEEL BETTER AND I WILL FEEL BETTER.
THEY'RE OFFERING YOU A GOOD DEAL.
COP TO THE HATE CRIME AND THEY'LL DROP THE 123 COUNTS OF ATTEMPTED MURDER.
NO DEALS.
I'M NOT TAKING A FALL FOR THE SMELLY MAN.
DANG IT, DAD, THERE IS NO SMELLY MAN.
NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.
I SPENT TWO WEEKS ON IWO JIMA BURIED UNDER A PILE OF BODIES.
THE THINGS I SMELLED YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.
BUT I'LL NEVER FORGE WHAT I SMELLED THAT DAY IN THE CHURCH.
IT WAS A VENGEFUL STINK.
IT WAS A STINK FOR THE AGES.
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT STINKS, OLD MAN.
YOUR STORY STINKS.
( breathlessly ): GRANDPA! DAD! MOM! ( panting ) IT WAS IT WAS ME.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
I ATE THE LUTEFISK.
I GOT SICK IN THE BATHROOM.
I LIT THE MATCHES.
I BURNED DOWN THE CHURCH.
I LET EVERYONE BLAME GRANDPA.
I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T DO IT.
YOUR BOY IS THE MAN WITH THE TERRIBLE SMELL.
OH I KNEW IT.
I KNEW THIS WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
BOBBY, YOU ARE GOING TO MARCH DOWN THAT HALL AND TELL THE POLICE EVERYTHING.
SEE IF MAYBE THEY WILL SPARE YOUR GRANDFATHER'S LIFE.
OKAY.
NOBODY'S GOING NO PLACE.
SIT DOWN, HANK, HANK'S WIFE.
YOU, TOO, STINKY.
HEY, DON'T CALL HIM THAT.
OH, I'M SORRY.
DID I HURT YOUR FEELINGS, STINKY? GRANDPA? IT DON'T FEEL SO GOOD, DOES IT? WELL, GET USED TO I 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE'S GOING TO CALL YOU IF YOU GO BLABBING TO THE POLICE STINKY.
HE'S RIGHT.
OH, LORD, AND THERE ARE OTHER NAMES, TOO.
YEAH, HOW ABOUT ARSONIST? THAT'S WHAT THEY'LL BE CALLING HIM IN STATE OF TEXAS v.
BOBBY HILL.
SO MANY NAMES.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? YOU'LL DO WHAT I SAY IS WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO.
NOW GET THE COPS IN HERE.
TELL THEM I'M READY TO CONFESS.
NO, DAD, YOU CAN'T.
I'M AN OLD MAN.
EVERYBODY ALREADY HATES ME.
BUT BOBBY, HE'S JUST A CHILD.
HE'S GOT HIS WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF HIM.
COTTON, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? IF I CAN TAKE A BULLET FOR MY GRANDSON I'LL DO IT.
BUT NOT IN THE FACE.
THAT'S HOW I MAKE MY LIVINGS.
HOW YOU MAKE YOUR SEND THEM IN.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I TOLD THE COPS.
I'M THE ONE WHO BURNED DOWN YOUR CHURCH BUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
AS FOR THE MAN WITH THE TERRIBLE SMELL WELL, THAT WAS ME, TOO.
I'M OLD; I GOTS NO SHINS MY PLUMBING DON'T WORK SO GOOD NO MORE.
I BLAMED THE FIRE ON SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE I WAS EMBARRASSED BY MY OWN TERRIBLE SMELL.
THE DIGESTIVE PROBLEMS OF THE ELDERLY ARE THEIR CROSS TO BEAR AND WE SHOULD PITY THEM NOT CONDEMN THEM.
OH COTTON HILL, YOU HAVE MY FORGIVENESS AND MY LOVE.
AND I INVITE THE ENTIRE CONGREGATION TO OFFER YOU THEIR FORGIVENESS AND LOVE WITH A HUG.
( groans ) MOM, AS LONG AS WE'RE CONFESSING REMEMBER WHEN GRANDPA BROKE THE ARM OF YOUR BOGGLE TROPHY 'CAUSE HE WAS PLAYING SOCCER IN THE HOUSE? HMM, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM FOR THAT.
IT WAS ME.
I FORGIVE YOU.
Cotton: BUT NOT IN THE FACE.
THAT'S HOW I MAKE MY LIVINGS.