Married with Children s03e21 Episode Script
Life's a Beach
* Love and marriage * * Love and marriage * * Go together Like a horse and carriage * * This, I tell you, brother * * You can't have one Without the other * * Love and marriage * * Love and marriage * * It's an institute You can't disparage * * Ask the local gentry * * And they will say It's elementary * * Try, try * * Try to separate them * * It's an illusion * * Try, try * * Try and you will only come * * To this conclusion * * Love and marriage-- ** Peg? Kids? Thank you.
No wife, no kids No pain.
The way God intended.
[SIGHS.]
Now I'm truly alive.
Hi, honey.
Are the kids home? What's it to you? [SIGHS.]
Nothing really.
I was just thinking we could spend some time together.
[TV TURNS ON.]
[TV SHUTS OFF.]
Isn't this nice? Let's have sex.
Wait a second, Peg.
Didn't we do it last month? Yeah, but let's finish it.
Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself.
[CRYING.]
Kids, save me! No one can help you, Al.
Take me on a 30-second trip to the moon.
Damn.
It's mom's birthday.
Kids.
Don't ever leave me alone with your mother again.
How was school? It was fine, Mom.
This is our last week.
Uh-oh.
I'd better start going.
Kelly, are you failing again? Say something to her, Al.
This is no good, Kelly.
Now, go play.
Let's not forget we're parents.
Now, come on, Kelly, There must be someone at school you can cheat off.
You can't be a junior forever.
Oh, the pressure! "Kelly, you have to go to school.
"Kelly, you have to pass.
Kelly, you have to learn to read.
" How am I supposed to grow up with this hanging over my head? Come on now, sweetheart.
I know you can pass.
You're a smart girl.
You're right, Mom, and I will not be seen sitting next to my little brother in "since" class.
That's science class, Kel.
Oh, Al, she's trying so hard.
Hey, maybe what I need is a smart little feeb with no social life to tutor me.
Bud, would you help me pass? I'll give it a shot, but I might have more luck teaching Buck how to sing and dance.
What subjects do you need help in? I don't know.
What classes am I taking? Oh, Al.
A warm family moment.
Now, sit up, shut up, and brace yourself.
Wait a second, Peg.
Remember, the kids are here.
Now, if you wanna have sex, they'll have to leave, and if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.
I want us to have a beautiful expression of our love.
Now, come on.
[GAGS.]
Now, let's go downstairs.
You can put some dirty laundry on the ping-pong table and disappoint me as only you can.
Well, after you, sweetheart.
Uh-huh.
[POUNDING ON DOOR.]
PEG: Open this door, Al! When I get outta here, we're gonna do it twice! That means a full minute, Al! [POUNDING CONTINUES.]
[AL WHIMPERING.]
I deserve a beautiful expression of our love, you slug and I'm gonna have it! Ohhi, kids.
[SIGHS.]
So how's the studying going? Great, we're on our way to the library.
Bud's really been helping me.
We've been studying history.
For instance, did you know that Thomas Jefferson's wife was black? He and Weezy were poor once, you know.
He was a real Renaissance man.
He was an architect and a dry cleaner.
And a songwriter.
Tell them, Kel.
Well, when Thomas Jefferson was writing The Declaration of Independence, on the back, he wrote this song * Well, I'm movin' on up * * To the east side * * To a deluxe apartment * * In the sky * * We're movin' on up * * Movin' on up * * To the east side * * Movin' on up * * We finally got a piece of the pie ** Junior no more, huh, Dad? Al, I'm worried about Kelly.
Oh, well.
Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself.
Peggy! There's something disgusting going on in this neighborhood! See, Peg? Now everybody knows.
I knew we should have skipped foreplay.
What happened, Marce? It was horrible.
I was just getting into my nightie before Steve came home for a little three-hour love fest.
It's all we have time for on a work night.
Then, I saw this hideous face in the window.
It was a peeper.
Men are slime.
That's right.
Here's one! Hi, honey.
I thought I saw you over here.
So, before I deck the whole herd over there, what's going on? Steve, I was peeped.
It was awful.
He saw me in all my nakedness.
What did he see, honey? Did-- Did he see your jimmies? He saw it all, Steve.
Marcy, did they find this guy passed out in the bushes, still twitching from fear? Because I mean, just the thought of it gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Anyway, I screamed and ran outside.
The neighborhood women came to my aid, and guess what? He's been peeping all over the neighborhood.
We've got ourselves a serial peeper.
He peeped me last night.
Oh! He peeped you? Yes.
It was horrible.
How was it for you? Al Please.
The fat and unattractive have rights too.
So do the beautiful.
I was peeped too.
The beast! Could you show us what he saw? This swine must be stopped Yes! Right.
And we are just the babes to do it.
That's right! Yeah, no man looks at me and lives.
You said a mouthful.
Let's lynch him! That's it.
String him up, yes.
All right, but before we hang him, we'll bring him to my garage.
We have a stereo there that we can use to cover his screams, and a-screamin' he will be.
I know a toenail doesn't seem like much, but when peeled slowly away from the peeper's body with a pair of rusty tweezers then justice will finally belong to the peepees! ALL: Yes! UhMarcy.
What about the big boys? Did he see them too? Steve, how could he see the jimmies and not see the big boys? Now, shut up.
All right, then, are we all together on the slow and brutal death of this man? ALL: Oh, yes! What about you, Peggy? Well, sure.
He must be st-- He peeped you too? Is there anyone this guy hasn't peeped? Just you and Old Lady McGinty.
OLD LADY: Something must be done.
I've just been peeped! [ALL GASP.]
Oh, Al.
Nobody wants to peep me.
Hold me.
Well, nobody wants to hold you, either.
Al, he's looking at me.
No, Peg.
It's an owl.
Yeah, he's seen you.
He's spinning out of control.
Now he's down.
Well, you've killed.
Can we shut the window now? Al, tell me the truth.
I'm losing my looks, aren't I? No! Oh, you're just saying that because you know that's what I want to hear.
Now, tell me the truth.
Am I losing my looks? Yes.
You pig.
You know I'm down.
The least you could do is lie.
Well, come on, honey, sit down here a second.
He can't see me if I'm sitting down.
Peg, look.
This guy is obviously crazy.
I mean, he must be crazy if he won't look at you.
You've got it all, Peg.
Aw.
Like what, Al? You know, like I don't know.
I just said it because I'm tired.
Look, Al.
I let you sleep through the conception of our two children, but not this time.
No one is going to sleep until I get peeped.
Well, Peg, maybe it's just because we're up here on the second floor and all, and it's hard to get up here to look.
That's no excuse.
I left a ladder and milk and cookies on the ledge.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mom.
How's the studying coming? Great.
Kelly, tell Mom and Dad the theory of relativity.
Mom and Dad are my relatives, therefore, I am.
That's terrific, honey.
Bud, can I talk to you for a second over here? From now on, I'm going to be Kelly Bundy, senior not just a name on the bathroom wall.
[SIGHS.]
[PATTING ON BED.]
Now, son, I know you're having fun with your sister, her being, well, a dullard and all but if Kelly doesn't get out of high school, she'll never leave home.
Then Daddy will never get his own room.
If that happens, I just might run amok in alphabetical order.
Do you understand, Bud? I think I understand.
So, no "Shakespeare, the friendly ghost"? No "I Dream of Lincoln"? No, Bud.
Why did you have me? Peg, why did we have him? Peg! I have cookies.
[SIGHS.]
He's not coming.
Nobody wants to look at me.
Nobody wants me.
Nobody loves me! [WAILING.]
AL: You know what you have to do, cowboy.
I care about you, pooky.
Really, Al? Oh, yes.
Do I ever.
Just seeing you over there by the window really turns me on.
Come to Daddy.
Oh, Al! Oh, God.
Well, it's not my fault.
I'm sure he'll peep me in his own good time.
Goodbye, Mom.
Well, the peeper is still working the neighborhood.
Everyone has been peeped twice, and here I am, peepless.
Oh, Peg.
Seeing you sitting there by the phone really turns me on.
Oh, shut up, Al.
You think I'm really satisfied hearing you say, "Twenty-eight, 29, 30, I'm out of here"? Now, I'm going upstairs to try on some clothes in the window.
Maybe I ought to get a job in the bomb squad.
At least then there'd be hope.
Hey, Dad.
What are you doing? Sitting by the dock of the bay wasting time.
Is she learning anything? Kelly.
What's the Bill of Rights? The first 10 amendments to the constitution.
What are the three main types of clouds? There are three-- cumulus, cirrus, and stratus.
What is a synapse? The junction a microscopic gap, actually, of two neighboring neurons or nerve cells.
That's incredible.
Good job, Bud.
Thanks, Dad but, uh there is one slight problem.
See, if you take a gallon of knowledge and pour it into a shot-glass of a brain, you're gonna spill some.
In other words, certain basic information had to be sacrificed.
Like what? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
What was that? The doorbell.
Oh.
Who's the old guy? That's Dad.
Oh.
Are you our dog? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Doorbell.
Al, I got a problem.
This Peeping Tom thing is ruining my marriage.
Marcy's so upset, she hasn't let me have sex with her for five days.
Well, it could be worse.
I've had sex with mine for five straight days.
Only way I get through it is to put a little TV on the pillow next to her so I can watch Get Smart.
Well, I like having sex with Marcy.
Without sex, I might as well live with my mother and be happy.
At least in the morning, I get my juice and vitamin in bed.
Really? My mom would just light me up a Lucky and send me off to school.
But help me, Steve.
I can't go on having sex with my wife.
I can't go on having sex without mine.
PEGGY: Peeper's not coming.
Oh, God.
I need a man.
Let me see.
Oh, well.
Al! Oh, take it easy, Al.
Once Peggy gets peeped, things will be back to normal whatever that may be around this house.
PEGGY: Al! Oh, sweetums You know what you have to do now, cowboy.
PEGGY: * Love for sale * * Tantalizing young-- * [GARGLES AND SPITS.]
* Love for sale * Whoo Whoo! Peep, peep, peep.
Peeper here.
Hmm.
Cookies.
Peep, peep.
Aw, the hell with it.
WOMEN: There he is! It's him! MARCY: Let's get him, girls.
WOMAN: Get the gasoline! Help, help! Peeper, peeper! It's about time.
How dare you? [SCREAMS.]
MARCY: Now we've got you! Start it up, girls.
[CHAINSAW BUZZING.]
[AL SCREAMS.]
Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to pretend to be the peeper just to make me feel good.
[SIGHS.]
Well, great news.
Last night, while you were in intensive care, I finally got peeped by the real peeper.
Isn't that great? I'm so happy for you.
Mm, mmtooth.
Oh, and by the way, honey, the neighborhood women really feel bad about setting you on fire like that.
That's okay.
I'm just sorry I kept going out on them.
Must have been all that sweat.
Folks a big welcome for Kelly Bundy senior.
I passed! PEGGY: Oh! Ow.
Thank God, I don't have to study ever again.
I'm a senior.
Oh, man, two more years, and I graduate.
Oh, honey, this calls for a real celebration.
Let's go out.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah! Can somebody bring me my medicine here? Let's spend Daddy's money.
Daddy's money! The painkiller's wearing off over here.
Oh, the hell with them.
At least I'm alone.
Now I can relax.
[***.]
No wife, no kids No pain.
The way God intended.
[SIGHS.]
Now I'm truly alive.
Hi, honey.
Are the kids home? What's it to you? [SIGHS.]
Nothing really.
I was just thinking we could spend some time together.
[TV TURNS ON.]
[TV SHUTS OFF.]
Isn't this nice? Let's have sex.
Wait a second, Peg.
Didn't we do it last month? Yeah, but let's finish it.
Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself.
[CRYING.]
Kids, save me! No one can help you, Al.
Take me on a 30-second trip to the moon.
Damn.
It's mom's birthday.
Kids.
Don't ever leave me alone with your mother again.
How was school? It was fine, Mom.
This is our last week.
Uh-oh.
I'd better start going.
Kelly, are you failing again? Say something to her, Al.
This is no good, Kelly.
Now, go play.
Let's not forget we're parents.
Now, come on, Kelly, There must be someone at school you can cheat off.
You can't be a junior forever.
Oh, the pressure! "Kelly, you have to go to school.
"Kelly, you have to pass.
Kelly, you have to learn to read.
" How am I supposed to grow up with this hanging over my head? Come on now, sweetheart.
I know you can pass.
You're a smart girl.
You're right, Mom, and I will not be seen sitting next to my little brother in "since" class.
That's science class, Kel.
Oh, Al, she's trying so hard.
Hey, maybe what I need is a smart little feeb with no social life to tutor me.
Bud, would you help me pass? I'll give it a shot, but I might have more luck teaching Buck how to sing and dance.
What subjects do you need help in? I don't know.
What classes am I taking? Oh, Al.
A warm family moment.
Now, sit up, shut up, and brace yourself.
Wait a second, Peg.
Remember, the kids are here.
Now, if you wanna have sex, they'll have to leave, and if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.
I want us to have a beautiful expression of our love.
Now, come on.
[GAGS.]
Now, let's go downstairs.
You can put some dirty laundry on the ping-pong table and disappoint me as only you can.
Well, after you, sweetheart.
Uh-huh.
[POUNDING ON DOOR.]
PEG: Open this door, Al! When I get outta here, we're gonna do it twice! That means a full minute, Al! [POUNDING CONTINUES.]
[AL WHIMPERING.]
I deserve a beautiful expression of our love, you slug and I'm gonna have it! Ohhi, kids.
[SIGHS.]
So how's the studying going? Great, we're on our way to the library.
Bud's really been helping me.
We've been studying history.
For instance, did you know that Thomas Jefferson's wife was black? He and Weezy were poor once, you know.
He was a real Renaissance man.
He was an architect and a dry cleaner.
And a songwriter.
Tell them, Kel.
Well, when Thomas Jefferson was writing The Declaration of Independence, on the back, he wrote this song * Well, I'm movin' on up * * To the east side * * To a deluxe apartment * * In the sky * * We're movin' on up * * Movin' on up * * To the east side * * Movin' on up * * We finally got a piece of the pie ** Junior no more, huh, Dad? Al, I'm worried about Kelly.
Oh, well.
Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself.
Peggy! There's something disgusting going on in this neighborhood! See, Peg? Now everybody knows.
I knew we should have skipped foreplay.
What happened, Marce? It was horrible.
I was just getting into my nightie before Steve came home for a little three-hour love fest.
It's all we have time for on a work night.
Then, I saw this hideous face in the window.
It was a peeper.
Men are slime.
That's right.
Here's one! Hi, honey.
I thought I saw you over here.
So, before I deck the whole herd over there, what's going on? Steve, I was peeped.
It was awful.
He saw me in all my nakedness.
What did he see, honey? Did-- Did he see your jimmies? He saw it all, Steve.
Marcy, did they find this guy passed out in the bushes, still twitching from fear? Because I mean, just the thought of it gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Anyway, I screamed and ran outside.
The neighborhood women came to my aid, and guess what? He's been peeping all over the neighborhood.
We've got ourselves a serial peeper.
He peeped me last night.
Oh! He peeped you? Yes.
It was horrible.
How was it for you? Al Please.
The fat and unattractive have rights too.
So do the beautiful.
I was peeped too.
The beast! Could you show us what he saw? This swine must be stopped Yes! Right.
And we are just the babes to do it.
That's right! Yeah, no man looks at me and lives.
You said a mouthful.
Let's lynch him! That's it.
String him up, yes.
All right, but before we hang him, we'll bring him to my garage.
We have a stereo there that we can use to cover his screams, and a-screamin' he will be.
I know a toenail doesn't seem like much, but when peeled slowly away from the peeper's body with a pair of rusty tweezers then justice will finally belong to the peepees! ALL: Yes! UhMarcy.
What about the big boys? Did he see them too? Steve, how could he see the jimmies and not see the big boys? Now, shut up.
All right, then, are we all together on the slow and brutal death of this man? ALL: Oh, yes! What about you, Peggy? Well, sure.
He must be st-- He peeped you too? Is there anyone this guy hasn't peeped? Just you and Old Lady McGinty.
OLD LADY: Something must be done.
I've just been peeped! [ALL GASP.]
Oh, Al.
Nobody wants to peep me.
Hold me.
Well, nobody wants to hold you, either.
Al, he's looking at me.
No, Peg.
It's an owl.
Yeah, he's seen you.
He's spinning out of control.
Now he's down.
Well, you've killed.
Can we shut the window now? Al, tell me the truth.
I'm losing my looks, aren't I? No! Oh, you're just saying that because you know that's what I want to hear.
Now, tell me the truth.
Am I losing my looks? Yes.
You pig.
You know I'm down.
The least you could do is lie.
Well, come on, honey, sit down here a second.
He can't see me if I'm sitting down.
Peg, look.
This guy is obviously crazy.
I mean, he must be crazy if he won't look at you.
You've got it all, Peg.
Aw.
Like what, Al? You know, like I don't know.
I just said it because I'm tired.
Look, Al.
I let you sleep through the conception of our two children, but not this time.
No one is going to sleep until I get peeped.
Well, Peg, maybe it's just because we're up here on the second floor and all, and it's hard to get up here to look.
That's no excuse.
I left a ladder and milk and cookies on the ledge.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mom.
How's the studying coming? Great.
Kelly, tell Mom and Dad the theory of relativity.
Mom and Dad are my relatives, therefore, I am.
That's terrific, honey.
Bud, can I talk to you for a second over here? From now on, I'm going to be Kelly Bundy, senior not just a name on the bathroom wall.
[SIGHS.]
[PATTING ON BED.]
Now, son, I know you're having fun with your sister, her being, well, a dullard and all but if Kelly doesn't get out of high school, she'll never leave home.
Then Daddy will never get his own room.
If that happens, I just might run amok in alphabetical order.
Do you understand, Bud? I think I understand.
So, no "Shakespeare, the friendly ghost"? No "I Dream of Lincoln"? No, Bud.
Why did you have me? Peg, why did we have him? Peg! I have cookies.
[SIGHS.]
He's not coming.
Nobody wants to look at me.
Nobody wants me.
Nobody loves me! [WAILING.]
AL: You know what you have to do, cowboy.
I care about you, pooky.
Really, Al? Oh, yes.
Do I ever.
Just seeing you over there by the window really turns me on.
Come to Daddy.
Oh, Al! Oh, God.
Well, it's not my fault.
I'm sure he'll peep me in his own good time.
Goodbye, Mom.
Well, the peeper is still working the neighborhood.
Everyone has been peeped twice, and here I am, peepless.
Oh, Peg.
Seeing you sitting there by the phone really turns me on.
Oh, shut up, Al.
You think I'm really satisfied hearing you say, "Twenty-eight, 29, 30, I'm out of here"? Now, I'm going upstairs to try on some clothes in the window.
Maybe I ought to get a job in the bomb squad.
At least then there'd be hope.
Hey, Dad.
What are you doing? Sitting by the dock of the bay wasting time.
Is she learning anything? Kelly.
What's the Bill of Rights? The first 10 amendments to the constitution.
What are the three main types of clouds? There are three-- cumulus, cirrus, and stratus.
What is a synapse? The junction a microscopic gap, actually, of two neighboring neurons or nerve cells.
That's incredible.
Good job, Bud.
Thanks, Dad but, uh there is one slight problem.
See, if you take a gallon of knowledge and pour it into a shot-glass of a brain, you're gonna spill some.
In other words, certain basic information had to be sacrificed.
Like what? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
What was that? The doorbell.
Oh.
Who's the old guy? That's Dad.
Oh.
Are you our dog? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Doorbell.
Al, I got a problem.
This Peeping Tom thing is ruining my marriage.
Marcy's so upset, she hasn't let me have sex with her for five days.
Well, it could be worse.
I've had sex with mine for five straight days.
Only way I get through it is to put a little TV on the pillow next to her so I can watch Get Smart.
Well, I like having sex with Marcy.
Without sex, I might as well live with my mother and be happy.
At least in the morning, I get my juice and vitamin in bed.
Really? My mom would just light me up a Lucky and send me off to school.
But help me, Steve.
I can't go on having sex with my wife.
I can't go on having sex without mine.
PEGGY: Peeper's not coming.
Oh, God.
I need a man.
Let me see.
Oh, well.
Al! Oh, take it easy, Al.
Once Peggy gets peeped, things will be back to normal whatever that may be around this house.
PEGGY: Al! Oh, sweetums You know what you have to do now, cowboy.
PEGGY: * Love for sale * * Tantalizing young-- * [GARGLES AND SPITS.]
* Love for sale * Whoo Whoo! Peep, peep, peep.
Peeper here.
Hmm.
Cookies.
Peep, peep.
Aw, the hell with it.
WOMEN: There he is! It's him! MARCY: Let's get him, girls.
WOMAN: Get the gasoline! Help, help! Peeper, peeper! It's about time.
How dare you? [SCREAMS.]
MARCY: Now we've got you! Start it up, girls.
[CHAINSAW BUZZING.]
[AL SCREAMS.]
Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to pretend to be the peeper just to make me feel good.
[SIGHS.]
Well, great news.
Last night, while you were in intensive care, I finally got peeped by the real peeper.
Isn't that great? I'm so happy for you.
Mm, mmtooth.
Oh, and by the way, honey, the neighborhood women really feel bad about setting you on fire like that.
That's okay.
I'm just sorry I kept going out on them.
Must have been all that sweat.
Folks a big welcome for Kelly Bundy senior.
I passed! PEGGY: Oh! Ow.
Thank God, I don't have to study ever again.
I'm a senior.
Oh, man, two more years, and I graduate.
Oh, honey, this calls for a real celebration.
Let's go out.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah! Can somebody bring me my medicine here? Let's spend Daddy's money.
Daddy's money! The painkiller's wearing off over here.
Oh, the hell with them.
At least I'm alone.
Now I can relax.
[***.]