Seinfeld s03e21 Episode Script

Do you think that the security guards in art museums really ever stop anybody from taking the paintings? I mean, are they going, "Hey, where do you think you're going with that? Come over here.
Give me that Cézanne.
" I mean, look at the job that this man is hired to do.
He's getting $5 an hour to protect millions of dollars of priceless art, with what? He's got a light mocha brown uniform and a USA Today.
This is what he's got.
Crooks must look at this guy and go, "We get past the folding chair and the thermos of coffee, we can get a Rembrandt.
" Kramer, would you hold still? I can't do this if you keep moving.
You sure you don't want me to take my clothes off? Because I'll do it.
No, that's the last thing in the world I want you to do.
Well, why don't you take your clothes off? I don't know, I don't think Jerry would like that.
Well, it'll be our little secret.
God! Button fly! Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes 10 minutes to get these things open.
I like the button fly.
-What? -That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp, interlocking metal teeth.
It's like a mink trap down there.
I'm gonna develop kidney problems.
-What are you doing today? -Nothing.
I have to go meet Nina.
Want to come up to her loft, check out her paintings? -I don't get art.
-There's nothing to get.
It always has to be explained to me and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.
She does abstract stuff.
In fact, she's painting Kramer right now.
-What for? -She sees something in him.
So do l, but I wouldn't hang it on a wall.
Are you getting the eyes? Because they're brown.
Really, they're dark brown, like rich Colombian coffee.
Tell me about Elaine.
You know, she and Jerry were a big thing Iike Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd.
-But they're still friends.
-Yeah, yeah.
They're like this: -Don't you think that's strange? -Why? What's the difference? Are you still friends with any of your ex-girlfriends? Well, you know, l.
I have many relationships.
-I tell you, I'm a little nervous.
-Why? You know, the friend meeting the new woman.
I feel like I'm getting fixed up for a friendship.
I don't know how long this is gonna last.
Really? I thought you liked her.
I do, but she's got, like, a jealousy thing.
She doesn't like me having fun with anyone but her.
You know, it's a miracle you're not married.
Hey, I'm not obligated to buy anything, am l? -Hi, Nina.
-Hi.
-This is my friend George.
-Hello.
Nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.
Hey, look at this guy! I brought George up to see some of your paintings.
Oh, are you interested? Yeah, sure.
Sure, I'm interested.
George, you gonna buy a painting? Yeah, sure.
-Are you an art lover? -I am an art adorer.
I adore art.
Great.
Take a look around.
Pick something out you like.
May l? Get out of here.
Here.
Play with this.
-What's this? -My father gave me four tickets to the Yankee game for Saturday afternoon.
Owner's box, first row, behind the dugout.
Saturday! I'm working.
I'm going out of town.
Well, I won't go without you.
You guys want them? Yeah.
They're right behind the dugout, George.
First row.
Behind the dugout? Are you kid--? How did you get them? My father's the Yankees' accountant.
It's the owner's box.
All my life I've dreamed of sitting front row, behind the dugout.
You like that one? Look at where we are! He's not stopping.
He keeps going and going and going.
We're not in the first row? -No, no.
These are your seats.
-She said first row behind the dugout.
It's the second row.
It's just as good.
I was primed for the first row.
I was gonna put my feet on the dugout.
Shut up.
These are great.
You can't get any better than this.
There's better.
Right there.
That's better.
All right.
Oh, boy.
-All right.
Who wants a dog? -Yeah.
Here you go.
What a great day.
I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now.
That what you were supposed to do? Yeah.
What makes him think anyone wants to witness a circumcision? I'd rather go to a hanging.
Is it that unattractive to have to take it off? Have you ever seen one with it? No.
You wouldn't even know what it was.
Anyway, I called him back.
I told him I had to visit my father in the hospital in Maryland.
You better catch it here, Charlie, because this ain't Philadelphia! -George? -Yeah? Hi.
I'm Leonard West.
-Nina's father.
-Hi, hi, Mr.
West.
I'm sorry.
-This is my friend Elaine.
-Hi.
Hey,.
230 ain't gonna cut it in this town, babe! This is Kramer.
Hey, how you doing? Yes! Yes! -How are the seats? -Okay.
-Great.
They're great.
-I hear you bought -one of Nina's paintings.
-It's being framed now.
I don't even know what it costs.
Not too expensive, is it? Not if you have a lot of money.
It was cheaper for me when she was an actress.
Well.
-Enjoy the game.
-Thanks.
I think you better take off the Orioles cap.
Yeah.
I better.
No, no.
Seriously.
You're in the owner's box.
I don't think it's a good idea.
-You're not serious.
-Yes, yes, yes, I am.
-Did he say that? -No, but he gave me the seats.
I don't think he'd like you wearing an Orioles cap.
-Maybe you should ask him.
-I don't have to.
Are you gonna take the hat off or not? No.
I'm not gonna take it off.
Why should l? That's ridiculous.
Just take the cap off.
George, I am at a baseball game.
-This is America.
-Look! Either you take the cap off or you leave.
I'm not taking it off.
-Elaine, just take the cap off.
-No! Get off of my hat! -What's--? -What do you mean?! -Stop it! -Just take it off! -There's your cap! -Let's go.
Oh, my God.
All right, get your hands off of me! -I'm leaving.
-Wait a minute.
We just got here.
Do you want us to go with you? -No, you stay.
-Get your cap, George.
-Well, I was just thinking-- -Yeah.
Stay! All right, all right, we'll go, we'll go.
And then the ball hits him in the head, and he falls right over the railing.
-ls he okay? -Well, yeah, he's fine.
We took him to the emergency room.
The x-rays were all negative.
It was quite a day.
This is the most amazing story I've ever heard.
Why did he want you to take off the baseball cap? -That is so insane.
-I know.
Can you imagine that? -How you feeling? -Oh, yeah.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Hi, Carol.
Hey, look.
We made the paper.
Look at this.
Page two, sports section.
We're all in the picture.
-Picture? -Picture.
-Our picture's in there? What? -Yeah.
I cannot believe this.
-There's George.
-Look at him.
Oh, my God! Lippman could see this! He thinks I was visiting my father.
Oh, my God! I make up one little white lie, and they put my picture in the paper! Hi, Mr.
Lippman.
How's your father? My-- My father.
Yeah.
You went to see him, right? Yeah.
-I went to visit him.
-So -what was wrong with him? -Well, you name it.
You know.
Neuritis, neuralgia.
But he's feeling better now, right? Yes.
Yeah.
It's such a miracle.
You know, my visit must have buoyed his spirits.
Buoyed.
-What did I say? -You said "boy'd.
" -I did? -Yeah.
Well, I got a plane to catch.
-Where are you going? -Going to Houston for a few days.
Publishers' convention.
Can I have my sports section? -Oh, yeah.
-Sports section.
I'm saving it for the plane.
I never miss the Sunday sports section.
There's nothing to read.
It's yesterday's news.
The Yankees won, the Mets lost, Rickey Henderson's unhappy.
Right.
Right.
What are you doing? That is the third time today I have done that.
I keep, you know, grabbing newspapers and just tugging at them.
Well, I gotta go.
Okay.
Yes, well, you know, have a nice trip.
Alrighty.
I'll just hold down the fort.
I sense great vulnerability a man-child crying out for love an innocent orphan in the postmodern world.
I see a parasite.
A sexually depraved miscreant who is seeking only to gratify his basest and most immediate urges.
She was a guest of my father's.
-She should've taken the cap off.
-It's preposterous to ask someone to take off a baseball cap at a baseball game.
How can you defend that? His struggle is man's struggle.
He lifts my spirit.
He is a loathsome, offensive brute.
Yet I can't look away.
Look, I'm tired of all this fighting.
Maybe we should end this before we really start hating each other.
You wouldn't want that, because you always have to remain friends.
I like to remain friends with people I was friends with.
Hey, why don't you just go then? And give this to George.
Tell him he owes me $500.
He transcends time and space.
He sickens me.
I love it.
Me too.
Five hundred dollars? -What? -That's what she told me.
I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a piece of junk! -That's what it costs.
-Why did you take it? -You broke up with her.
-I wasn't thinking.
I don't know.
You weren't thinking.
I mean, she framed it and everything.
I'm not buying this.
No way.
Forget it.
No way I'm buying this.
I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly lines.
Are you telling me you couldn't paint this? You want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint you something.
I'm not paying for this.
If you were going out with her, it'd be a different story.
This was in front of your door.
-Hey, Kramer.
-Hi, Mike.
Wow, a letter from Nina! Man, that is the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
-Oh, my God.
-What? This is amazing.
You can't believe this.
Listen to this.
"l don't know what you expect to find, Jerry.
You know what you want better than me, but there's one thing I do know.
I can stand here watching you try to destroy everything I've ever wanted in my life wanting to smash your face with my fists because you won't even make the slightest effort to opt for happiness and still know I love you.
You mean so much to me, I'm willing to take your abuse insults and insensitivity.
" -Wow.
-She's deep.
"Because that's what you need to do to prove I'm not gonna leave you.
I'm sick and tired of running from places and people and relationships.
You want me, then fight for me, beca-- Because I'm sure as hell fighting for you.
I think we're both worth it.
" You know, Jerry, she sounds like a poet.
Boy, no one's ever written me a letter like this.
Maybe I was wrong about her.
Get in there and give her a call.
Pick up the phone and call her.
-Should l? -Yes, you're damn right you should! Fight for her, Jerry! She's sure the hell fighting for you! All right! I'll call her.
Don't go in there.
You're gonna get shot.
I told you.
-Yeah.
-It's George.
Come on up.
Well, now we gotta get a posse together.
I love a good posse.
What's the appeal of the posse? The appeal of the posse? Posse has tremendous appeal.
Get away from the job, you camp out, you're with friends.
Come on, it's a week-long game of hide and go seek on horseback.
Hello, George.
Hey.
Hey, Nina.
I owe you some money, don't l? -Well, I really love that piece.
-Me too.
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
You know, in fact, I've been thinking about it, and you know, I feel like I'm stealing from you.
Five hundred dollars! This is gonna be worth thousands soon.
You know what? On second thought, I can't even accept this.
No, no, no.
George, a deal's a deal.
I want you to have it.
This could be in a museum someday.
It's not safe with me.
It should really be in a doorman building.
Honestly, George, the money's not important.
Who said anything about money? -Yeah.
-It's Elaine.
Come on up.
-Elaine? -Yeah.
She does not believe in telephones, does she? She likes the pop-in.
I've told her how I hate the pop-in.
He likes the pop-in too.
Just popped in now.
I'm a big pop-in guy.
-He is.
-What about Kramer? Huge pop-in guy.
Well, I was leaving anyway.
So we're on for tomorrow? -Yeah.
-Okay.
Bye.
Hello.
Chatty gal.
Lippman's coming back tomorrow.
I'll be fired.
If he noticed it, he would have called you.
No.
He wants to torture me.
Will you give me the clicker? I hate it when you have the clicker.
You're too fast.
Get out! I'm a great clicker.
I have great instincts.
How dare you impugn my clicking.
You're all over the dial.
You don't know what you want.
You never stay on anything longer than five seconds.
Just give me that.
-Let go.
-Come on.
I want it, Jerry! -Let go, Elaine! -Then let George do it! -George can't click! -Give it to me! Give it! Give it! Give it! Pinheads.
Maybe I can't analyse and theorize and speculate on why we-- Wait a second.
Go back to that.
Go back to that.
Hey, you read all those books, not me.
It's Chapter Two.
It's Neil Simon.
But one thing I do know.
I know how I feel.
Wait a second.
Wait a second! -What? -My God.
The letter.
That's the letter! -What letter? -This is the letter she wrote to me.
She stole it from the movie! Because you don't even make.
"The slightest effort to opt for happiness and still know that I love you!" This is incredible.
I always thought there was something funny about this letter.
She's copied it right out of Chapter Two.
She's a thief! A bunco artist.
Maybe I won't send her that check.
You know, it's not really that terrible.
What are you talking about? She completely misrepresented herself.
I don't opt for happiness.
I opt for happiness.
James Caan doesn't opt for happiness.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She wouldn't take the cap off? No.
But didn't she know they were the owner's seats? Oh, that's unbelievable.
Yeah, okay.
All right, Lenny.
Thanks again.
Take care.
That's Lenny West, my accountant, who's a hell of a guy.
He handles the Yankees too.
It's his biggest account.
So every once in a while, they throw him a couple of seats and last weekend, he gave them to his daughter.
She's an artist, by the way.
Anyway her daughter gives them to some friends, you know? One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore cap.
You're from Baltimore, right? It's Towson.
That's near Baltimore.
But you're an Oriole fan, right? Well, fan.
You know, my father-- Anyway, she refused to take the cap off.
She caused a whole big scene.
Really? That's so impudent.
Yeah.
So Lenny gave me the tickets for tomorrow night.
I'm inviting Frank and Marsha.
Want you to come.
I've got plans, though, Mr.
Lippman.
Well, break them.
You missed the bris.
I want you at the game.
Okay.
Okay.
-Good.
-Okay, Mr.
Lippman.
And, Elaine, you know the Baltimore cap you got in your office wear it.
I'm gonna have a little fun with him.
That will be fun.
How's it coming? Good.
Good.
Seen any good movies lately? No.
Not really.
-You? -No.
I like a good comedy.
You know, like a Neil Simon.
-You like Neil Simon? -Neil Simon? Some of his stuff.
I've seen most of it.
I guess my favourite would have to be Chapter Two.
Have you ever seen that? I don't know.
Maybe.
I have.
Funny.
Funny.
In fact, it was on TV just the other night.
Happened to catch it.
I couldn't help but notice a stunning similarity.
Well, we've made our decision.
We want the Kramer.
Five thousand? Why would anybody buy Kramer for $5000? Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight.
So is it all over between you and Marsha Mason? Yeah.
And by the way, can you get this thing out of my house? I'll make a deal with you.
-I'll sell it to you for 10 bucks.
-Please.
Seems to be a lot of trouble in the area just behind the Yankee dugout.
Behind the dugout? That's where we were sitting the other night.
We're not gonna show it, don't want to encourage that kind of behaviour.
It's a young lady, and she's really going at it with the security guard.
She's a feisty one.
They're getting the other security guard to come down.
How do you like that, Seaver? And, boy, she's something, and a Baltimore fan at that.
Holy cow! When I was 1 7, I ran away from home and hopped a steamship to Sweden.
-This steak is excellent, by the way.
-More potatoes? Yeah, yeah, sure.
Please.
Yes, yes, go on.
You hopped a steamship to Sweden? It was a big one.
Baseball season's starting.
I'm very excited about that.
Did you ever sneak down to better seats at the game and get caught by the usher? When you're a kid, you're getting chased from every place anyway.
When you're an adult, it's really embarrassing.
You have to pretend like there's some confusion.
You put on this whole act.
You're looking at the tickets.
"l don't understand how this could have happened.
Let me see.
I see the problem.
These are very good seats.
I have very bad seats.
That's the misunderstanding.
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