Big Bang Theory s03e22 Episode Script

Okay, Baby-Doll Pink let's see if you can cover up the fact that I got my dad's feet.
LEONARD: It's two degrees, Sheldon.
I just wanna turn up the thermostat two degrees.
SHELDON: Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.
LEONARD: Yes, if we were lived in a tea kettle.
SHELDON: This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
LEONARD: Screw the roommate agreement.
SHELDON: No, you don't screw the roommate agreement the roommate agreement screws you.
LEONARD: You know what, go to hell and set their thermostat.
SHELDON: I don't have to go to hell.
At 73 degrees, I'm there already.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Who is it? LEONARD: Leonard.
-Hang on.
Can I sleep on your couch tonight? You can try, but the people across the hall are being very noisy.
You heard that, huh? Apparently, the one fella tried to adjust the thermostat then the other fella went bat-crap crazy.
So you agree he's nuts.
Not as nuts as the guy who chooses to live with him.
Believe it or not, he was worse when I met him.
Oh, I do not believe that.
You are so naive.
Just like I was seven years ago.
I'd just started at the university.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Sheldon Cooper's apartment.
-Oh.
I bet you're here to check out the room.
-Yeah.
Run away, dude.
-What? -Run fast, run far.
That should've been my first clue.
So Sheldon's last roommate tried to warn you off? For all I knew, he was the crazy one.
He had this really deranged look.
Well, yeah, he'd been living with Sheldon.
Sure, it makes sense now.
Anyway, I went upstairs and knocked on the door.
Yeah? Dr.
Cooper? No, you want the crazy guy across the hall.
LEONARD: In retrospect, that was clue number two.
-Yes? -I'm Leonard Hofstadter.
-I called about the apartment.
You said-- -I know what I said.
I know what you said.
I know what my mother said on March 5th, 1992.
What is the sixth noble gas? -What? -You said you're a scientist.
-What is the sixth noble gas? -Uh, Radon? Are you asking me or telling me? Telling you? Telling you.
All right.
Next question.
Kirk or Picard? Oh, uh-- Well, that's tricky.
Um-- Well, original series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
Correct.
You've passed the first barrier to roommatehood.
You may enter.
Oh, this is pretty nice.
-The bedrooms are back there? -That depends.
I don't understand.
Their existence is conditional? No.
But your ability to perceive their existence is conditional -There's three? -Each more daunting than the last.
-Have a seat.
-Okay.
No, that's where I sit.
What's the difference? This seat is ideally located in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer.
It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation.
As a result I've placed it in a state of eternal dibs.
Can you do that? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
That's Latin for "My chair my rules.
" Now, you said on the phone that your area of study is physics.
Yeah, experimental physics.
Hmm.
-What is that? -Doesn't concern you.
You'll be going to the university every day? -Yes.
-Do you have a vehicle? -A car.
-And you'd be willing to drive me? -Well, can't you drive? -I can.
I choose not to.
Okay, I suppose I could drive you.
-Well, what's a point in my favor, right? -Why don't you let me do this? Come on, I just asked.
Last question.
In a post-apocalyptic world which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, reestablishing a functioning government procreation or preserving the knowledge of mankind? Uh, I'm gonna go with preserving the knowledge.
That's correct.
FYI, I would've accepted any answer other than procreating.
Come, I'll show you the rest of the apartment.
Good.
I passed the barriers.
The second barrier.
Don't get cocky.
This is the bathroom.
Are you fairly regular? -Uh-- I guess.
-This isn't going to work if you're guessing.
When do you evacuate your bowels? When I have to.
When you have to? I'm sorry, I don't rent to hippies.
I'm sorry, in the morning.
Around 8.
I can't give you 8.
I can give you 7:30.
Fine, I'll take it.
Third barrier passed.
You have won the right to see your room.
Pizah.
-Is this it? -No, this is my room.
People don't go in my room.
So where do you sleep? Heh.
I don't understand.
If people don't go in there, and you're people and.
You are people, aren't you? Making a joke.
Do you do this often? On occasion.
Your room.
You may wanna repaint.
And after all that you just moved in? I didn't just move in.
First we had to iron out a few details.
"Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon's brilliant new series, Firefly.
" Does that really need to be in the agreement? Might as well settle it now, it's gonna be on for years.
Initial here.
All right, that's television and movies.
"Section nine: Miscellany.
The apartment's flag is a gold lion rampant on a field of azure.
" We have a flag? Never fly it upside down.
Unless the apartment's in distress.
Fine, next.
"If either of us ever invents time travel we agree our first stop will be this meeting today in precisely five seconds.
" Okay.
Well, that's disappointing.
Why on earth did you agree to all that? It was the best apartment I'd seen, the rent was very reasonable and after you pass the first three barriers, you kind of wanna take it all the way.
Well, I'm sorry, Leonard.
It's very hard to feel sympathy for you.
Okay.
Let me tell you about the first time I brought a girl over.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
SHELDON: Leonard? Shh.
Just pretend we're not here.
[KNOCKING.]
SHELDON: Leonard? I'm sure he'll go away.
SHELDON: I'm just gonna keep knocking till you answer.
[KNOCKING.]
Leonard? Leonard? Leonard? What do you want? I didn't say come in.
You asked what I want.
I wanted to come in.
I'm here because you violated our roommate agreement.
Specifically, section eight visitor's subsection C, females, paragraph four, coitus.
"Roommates shall give each other I didn't even know her 12 hours ago.
That's it, I'm out of here.
Joyce, come on.
Twelve hours? Oh, my God.
-Do I get some sympathy now? -Little bit.
Let me get this straight.
You move in with this guy, makes you sign a ridiculous roommate agreement.
Then he walks into your bedroom while you're doing Joyce Kim and you still stay? Actually, I couldn't get too mad at him about Joyce Kim.
Why not? Well, I was doing some government research at the time.
You know, military rocket fuels.
Kind of secret.
-What does that have to do with Joyce? -As it turns out she was a North Korean spy.
Luckily, Sheldon drove her out before I revealed anything important.
Which I'm not saying I would have.
So you stayed with Sheldon all this time because he kept you from going to federal prison? That's part of it.
The other part is what happened with the elevator.
I've been wondering.
You said it was working when you moved in.
It was.
But one night Sheldon came home from work.
[VIDEO GAME NOISES ON TV.]
What is going on here? Hey, this is Howard and Raj.
They work at the university too.
-Hey.
-Hey.
I'll get to you later.
What are you sitting on? I can't speak for these guys, but I'm sitting on my tushy.
Heh, heh.
-It's a joke.
-Not a good idea.
-"Tushy" is "buttocks," right? -Right.
Heh.
Hilarious.
Heh, heh.
Explain the couch.
There were people on the first floor who were moving out and sold it for $100.
-Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
-What's wrong with the furniture we have? [TURNS OFF VIDEO GAME.]
They are lawn chairs.
There was no place for company.
Did it occur to you that was by design? According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50 percent of the cubic footage of common areas.
But you didn't notify me by e-mail, so this is still a breach.
I did notify you.
Oh, you did, did you? Drat.
Hoisted by my own spam filter.
-What am I doing in your spam? -I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled "This is funny.
" Oh, yeah.
I saw that.
That was hilarious.
Heh-heh-heh.
-What's this have to do with the elevator? -I'm getting to it.
I assure you, you'll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs.
Okay, do you have an opinion about everything? Yes.
You just assume you're always right? It's not an assumption.
-Change seats with me.
-Why? I don't like this spot.
I have to keep turning my head.
Fine.
It's time for Babylon 5.
We don't watch Babylon 5 in this apartment.
-Why not? -Because no one likes Babylon 5.
-I like it.
-Me too.
-So do I.
-There you go, three against one.
They don't get a vote.
It's one against one.
And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.
-But I said no to that.
-And I said yes.
And I settle all ties.
-Change seats with me.
-Why? There's a draft on my neck over here.
So I get the draft? You're protected by your turtleneck.
Fine.
And it's a dickey.
Hmm.
I'm still not comfortable.
Of course, there's too many people here.
We can fix that.
Let's leave.
Yeah, we can go over to my place.
Wait, let me get my jacket.
-You're not going with us.
-Why not? You're the guy we're trying to get away from.
Oh.
In that case, I don't need my jacket.
And for the record, the correct syntax is: "I'm the guy from whom you're trying to get away.
" Oh, yes.
This is definitely gonna be my spot.
Okay.
How do you know he said that? You left the room.
Hey, do you want me to finish working on your man-feet or not? Fine.
Go ahead.
WOMAN: Howard, are you having a playdate?! I don't have playdates! I have colleagues! Do their parents know they're here?! No, but if you keep screaming, maybe they'll hear you! That your dad? She grows any more hair on her face, yes.
Oh, man.
Is that a two-stage rocket? Three.
I designed the engine myself.
Cool.
Can it break Mach 1? Oh, probably, if I could get my hands on that new fuel the government's been working on.
Oh, this just might be your lucky day.
WOMAN: Howard, what happened to the Oreos I left on the counter?! I haven't seen your Oreos! Just take your bath without them! So why was it his lucky day? It turns out I had a little rocket fuel in the apartment.
What were you doing with rocket fuel in your apartment? Joyce Kim was curious about what I did for a living and I was gonna kind of show it to her.
The point is, the guys and I went back to the apartment.
-Are we ever gonna get to the elevator? -We're close.
We're at the apartment.
The trick is to mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over -Cool.
-Nice.
SHELDON: Won't work.
Excuse me, but I've been working on this a long time.
Trust me, it'll work.
You don't see your mistake, do you? There's no mistake.
This is for a full scale rocket, not a model.
-Well, I've adjusted the formula.
-Not correctly.
Okay, I've had it with you.
You might be an expert on theoretical physics and science fiction programs and where to sit on a freaking couch, but this is applied physics.
And when it comes to applied physics-- Uh-oh.
-What's happening? -A bad thing.
A very bad thing.
Get the door.
Get the door.
Get the door.
Get the door.
-You're waiting for the elevator? -Oh, right.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
-Wait.
It's here.
-Ah! Give me that.
What'd you do that for? I had plenty of time.
[EXPLOSION.]
You're welcome.
Not only did Sheldon save my life, he didn't rat me out to the landlord.
Or the police.
Or Homeland Security.
So you're the reason I have to walk up and down three flights of stairs every day? So I did something stupid.
I'm sure you did stupid things.
What were you doing seven years ago? Excuse me, I was in high school.
Studying, keeping my nose clean doing volunteer work for the community.
Not pregnant.
Yes! Ha, ha! Oh, Ubuntu, you are my favorite Linux-based operating system.
-Hey.
-Hello.
Why do I smell methacrylate? Oh, clear nail polish.
I had a mani-pedi.
Men can get those.
Anyway, I may owe you an apology.
There's doubt? I did agree to the thermostat setting and I shouldn't have tried to change it.
That's not an apology.
That's simply an acknowledgment that I was right.
-Okay, I'm sorry.
-There you go.
So we're good? -Good what? -Never mind.
-Okay if I watch some TV? -Go ahead.
MAN [ON TV.]
: Up next: Babylon 5.
LEONARD: You're not even watching.
SHELDON: I can hear it.
LEONARD: Oh, so the dialogue offends you? SHELDON: I would hardly call that dialogue.
LEONARD: You are insane, you know that? SHELDON: Don't make me turn that flag upside down because you know I'll do it.