Everybody Hates Chris s03e22 Episode Script

CHRIS: As graduation got closer, I thought about my days at Corleone.
It had been tough, but the one good thing was that Greg was always there.
We got beaten up together.
Hey, Zephyr.
And, of course, we hung out after school together.
( knocking ) Do you think it's safe to go out yet? No, we'd better give it another hour.
And now we'd be going to high school together.
Dude, I've got some bad news.
I'm not going to high school with you.
What? My mother submitted me for a scholarship to the Bronx Academy of Science without telling me.
Better than the time she submitted him for adoption without telling him.
You're kidding.
Did you get accepted? Dude, I'm so in there.
Sorry.
Well, congratulations.
Thanks, man.
That was sarcasm, dummy.
So your mother submitted you for a scholarship without telling you? Yeah, her and Ms.
Morello.
She was afraid that if I didn't get accepted, I'd be disappointed.
When I was seven, I lost a spelling bee and went into a black depression.
That happened to me when I saw Soul Plane.
To this day, I can't say "pulchritudinous" without crying.
So where are you going to high school? Well, I wanna go to Foxy Brown High.
The principal looks like Pam Grier.
But my mom wants me to go to Tattaglia.
I just don't think I can go through four more years of being the only black kid.
I wasn't sure what Tattaglia would be like, but judging from the name, I had an idea.
Don't worry, man.
If you can make it through this, you can make it through that.
He must have me confused with Nelson Mandela.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ CHRIS: Even though I knew I'd probably meet more people after I graduated, the fact was, Greg was my closest friend, and replacing him wasn't gonna be easy.
( with Japanese accent ): Dude, you are so in there.
Next.
( with Yiddish accent ): Dude, we are so in there.
Next.
Oy.
Dude, you are so in there.
Though I would prefer not ending a sentence with a prepositional phrase.
I would prefer never seeing your face again.
Next.
Next.
Next! Dudeyou are Next! That's cold, man.
I'm supposed to be your boy.
What happened to you? I'm practicing eating by myself again.
Good practice for my dating years.
You act like we're never gonna see each other again.
This isn't easy for me either.
At least your whole school's not gonna hate you.
People have to notice you to hate you.
I'm gonna be invisible.
I'd pay money to be invisible.
I mean, look at me.
I got one friend, and he's white.
Look at me.
I got one friend, and he's black.
You got a point.
You know, we can't let this happen.
Starsky and Hutch didn't break up.
They were both white.
Butch and Sundance didn't break up.
White again.
Crockett and Tubbs didn't break up.
Tubbs thought he was white.
What am I supposed to do, come with you to school? Yeah.
How am I supposed to do that? I don't know, I guess we're just gonna have to find out.
If that's what you wanna do.
Let's do it.
Are you crazy? Do you see the tuition at this school? That was all he saw.
This is a good school.
JULIUS: This is an expensive school.
He's gonna end up a homeless genius.
I think Chris can benefit from being around kids like this that go to a school like this.
She means white kids.
Greg is going too.
Baby, you know he had a hard time at Corleone.
It was your idea to send me there.
And at least he doesn't have to make all new friends.
No, I'll have a massive "one friend" head start.
Chris, you can make new friends at public school.
He's got a whole public to choose from.
ROCHELLE: Look at all these great teachers they have.
She means white teachers.
If we send Chris to that school, what'll happen when Drew and Tonya graduate? Oh, baby Can't we just worry about that then? Can we just think about it? I thought about it.
And I'm smart enough to know we are too poor for Chris to be that smart.
Now I'm rich enough to be stupid.
Sorry, man.
But, Julius While my plans went into the garbage, Uncle Ryan threw out a proposal.
Hey, just the man I'm looking for.
"I need some money.
" Hey, man, what you got going this time? Uncle Ryan is selling mixtapes.
Mixtapes? What, like masking tape and duct tape on the same roll.
That's a good idea.
Nah, man, mixed tapes.
Mixtapes.
A mixtape is a compilation of tracks that have been recorded on a cassette tape.
These tapes, once compiled, can be sold on any major city street out of the trunk of a black man's car, typically a Buick or a Lincoln.
Since the cost of the tapes is so low, and the music is free, selling mixtapes was and is still is, a profitable, although illegal, business.
DREW: Hey, Dad, Uncle Ryan said I could work for him too.
And you know you said you can't wait for Drew to get his first job.
That's not a real job.
A real job takes place in a building.
You shouldn't be able to tow your office.
Unless you sell ice cream.
I'm only selling out the back of my car for now.
I'm gonna move to something more permanent.
Like a van.
What happened to your auto parts store? The owner broke it up for parts.
Man, I love this song.
Everybody's going to be buying this one.
I made you a profit before.
Trust me, I'm gonna do it again.
How much you need? A hundred.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Uncle Ryan.
Hey, what's going on? I'm selling tickets to my ballet recital.
I'm doing something from Swan Lake.
Uh-oh.
A ballerina.
How much are they? Five dollars.
Hey, man, loan me I just gave you a hundred.
That's my seed money.
It's for your daughter.
Before ATM machines, my father was the human version.
You just had to know the code.
This is so exciting that you're all graduating.
I'm very proud of everyone.
Gregory, you've got such a bright future ahead of you.
And, Chris, in your family, this must be like getting a Ph.
D.
Have you thought about what high school you're going to yet? Oh, well, I wanna go to the Bronx Academy of Science with Greg.
Now, Chris, you've graduated from junior high, but let's not get uppity.
I felt too low to get uppity.
The Bronx Academy is for the exemplary students.
Maybe you should think about something more realistic.
She means a school with metal detectors.
You helped me get in.
Can't you help him? Chris, let's not forget you flunked math last year.
Yeah, but I passed everything this year.
Oh, that's right.
Maybe I can have you apply under the minority curve.
What's that? J.
Lo's butt.
It's an affirmative action plan.
The plan being "If we let one in, maybe they'll leave us alone.
" Well, what do I have to do? Well, first you have to be black.
Check.
And then you have to take the admittance exam.
And if you pass, they'll pay for you to go.
It's a full scholarship.
I'll do whatever it takes.
All right then, I'll help you out.
Oh, this is great.
Thanks.
Now, gimme some skin.
I've always wanted to do that.
Run before she makes you tap dance.
While I was getting a vote of confidence, my mother was demanding a recount.
What do you mean you gave Ryan a hundred dollars? What are you getting all upset about? He'll pay it back, and then some.
That is not what I'm talking about.
Your son asked you to send him to one of the best schools in the city, and all you could do was say, "Oh, I can't afford it.
" But then your brother comes waltzing in here talking about he's selling mixtapes out of the trunk of his car, and all of a sudden you become Daddy Warbucks? Daddy Warbucks? Daddy Warbucks? He's the rich guy from Little Orphan Annie.
Oh.
Oh.
So? What? Explain yourself.
Rochelle, look, I want Chris to go to the school, but that's me spending money I don't have.
Mixtapes are an investment.
Unlike education.
Besides, I wanna help my brother out.
You never help my brother out.
Are you kidding me? Since we've been married, he's eaten $12,038.
12 worth of groceries.
I'm helping him stay alive.
Amazingly, my mother didn't have a comeback for that one.
Oh! ( glass shatters ) I stand corrected.
Meanwhile, I trained for the Bronx Academy like the Karate Kid trained for that evil blond kid.
"How are you?" Fine.
And you? "Very good.
" Glad to hear it.
"See you tomorrow.
" You betcha.
What? Oh, sorry, I was working with Ping earlier.
The belief that the United States was destined to expand from the Atlantic Seaboard to the Pacific Ocean was called "Manifest Destiny"? Should've been called, "Hey, Indians, ready or not, here we come.
" Chris.
Yes? You passed.
Oh, man, this is great.
You made it to the Bronx Academy.
Well, hold on a minute.
Hold on a minute? What do you mean, hold on a minute? I passed, didn't I? Yes, but that only qualifies you for the home interview.
And assuming your mother is sober for that, and it goes off okay, then you'll be eligible for the financial review.
What next, a drug test? Then, of course, there's the drug test.
I hope Marion Jones doesn't wanna go to this school.
While I was trying to get into school, Tonya was trying to stay on point.
Hey, baby, how are your ticket sales going? EhI sold them all.
Well, what's wrong? Well, I just found out that I'm not gonna be in the recital anymore.
Oh, no, what happened? The teacher said you're one of her best dancers.
You know my partner, Derrick, right? Yeah.
Well, he had a ballet accident, and he broke his ankle.
Well, what happened? Well, he told some guys that he did ballet, and they broke his ankle.
Oh, baby, I know you had your heart set on this.
You mean, you had your heart set on it.
It's okay.
No, no, it's not.
You know what, baby, don't worry.
We're gonna find you another boy to dance with.
Ma, in Bed-Stuy? That's what I was going to say.
Come on, let's make some phone calls.
Come on.
While my mother searched Brooklyn for a Baryshnikov, my Uncle Ryan found his inner Russell Simmons.
Two, two fifty, three, three fifty, Ooh, I cannot believe this.
$400 selling tapes.
Man, I gotta tell you, I didn't think it was gonna work.
Have I ever lied to you? No, I guess you haven't.
But lying and not knowing what the hell you're talking about are two different things.
Drew, take this money, put it away.
Don't worry, I will.
Here, take this tape as a bonus too.
It's the Hilly Hill mix.
Those guys are new, they're not really selling.
"MC Hammer"? "Public Enemy"? "DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince"? I've never heard of these guys.
You will.
You'd be better off erasing the tape and selling it blank.
Well, can I have the new Fat Boys album? Go into Wal-Mart and ask that question now.
Fine.
Cool.
"Beastie Boys"? They're white.
White rappers? ( chuckles ): I don't think so.
Look, I gotta go.
I gotta get some rest before I go to work.
Hey, I'm sorry, man, I didn't mean to cause any problems with Rochelle.
That's okay.
Problem solved.
There aren't many marriage problems Benjamin Franklin can't fix.
This is pretty much a formality.
I have a few questions.
Oh, no problem.
We have nothing to hide.
How long have you been addicted to heroin? I'm sorry? Well, I understand you've struggled with drugs and alcohol most of your adult life.
He must have her confused with Lindsay Lohan.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You must have me mistaken for somebody else.
That's ridiculous.
I can see it's a sore subject.
Let me move on.
You have three children, right? Yes.
Can I have their fathers' names? Ju--? Their fathers? No, no, no.
They have one father.
Mm.
Do you know his name? Where are you getting this information? I'll tell you where he's getting it.
Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby.
The mother's a little delusional.
Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee.
She's actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto.
You can't believe a word she says.
Julius, he's my husband and is the father of my three children.
He has two jobs, and we own this house.
Are you writing this down? Young man, let me ask you a question.
Why do you wanna go to the Bronx Academy of Science? Because that's where my friend's going.
'Cause I love science? Why do you love science? Because it's in the name of your school.
'Cause I like to cut frogs open? Klingons? ( laughs ) Mr.
Perkins If you don't let me in, she'll smack the scholastic out of you.
Chris has the desire to learn.
He has a strong family who loves and supports him in a warm and stable environment.
( loud thud ) MAN: Freeze! Don't shoot, don't shoot.
It was just tapes! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! It was just tapes.
ROCHELLE: What is the? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
They have a hostage! Drop the pamphlet I'm not dropping no-- step away from the white guy.
ROCHELLE: Get your hands off of me! I didn't do nothing.
Down on the floor, down on the floor.
You need to settle down and drop the pamphlet.
Get your hands off of me! ROCHELLE: Get your hands off of me now! I apologize, but it's protocol.
How often does this kind of thing happen here? Surprisingly, not that often.
When you're black, first the cops charge, then they explain the charge.
What are the charges? Copyright infringement.
Infringement? What are you taking about? I was just making tapes of people's songs.
Just get in the car.
Once again, I apologize on behalf of the New York Police Department for any inconvenience.
Oh, that's okay.
I wasn't talking to you.
( sighs ) Mr.
Perkins, I'm sorry about all this.
Son, you had terrific test scores and glowing recommendations, but with this unbelievably horrible environment, you need us more than I thought you did.
Congratulations.
That's right.
Just get your butt out of here.
Mom, Mom, Mom.
We don't need you, or your stupid racist school.
No.
Mom, I'm in.
You know what? This What are you talking about you're in? Just fill out these application forms and attach a copy of your financial records.
Once that clears, Chris will be the newest student at the Bronx Academy of Science.
( screams ) My baby made it into school.
( applause ) Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get drunk.
You know what would be a good idea? A show about cops arresting people.
But what would you call it? My future was set, but Tonya's ballet career was over before it started.
Hey, Tonya, can I talk to you for a minute? No.
Look, I know you're all sad about Derrick and his ankle, but I think I can help you.
Can you fix his ankle? Actually, he could.
Actually, I could.
But a compound fracture has to sit somewhere between five and seven weeks, and he still wouldn't be ready in time for the dance.
So how can you help me? I could fill in for him.
For real? Yeah.
I mean, I'm a pretty good dancer.
If you show me what to do.
You're not afraid someone will call you a sissy? No.
I don't care.
Besides, I bet they won't say it to my face.
Like making fun of Mike Tyson's voice.
Thanks, Drew.
Okay.
Come on.
Come over here.
Okay, so, you do your feet like this, do your arm like this Graduating from Corleone was one of the best days of my life, because I was surrounded by my family, and this was the one day I wasn't going to get punched, kicked, beat down or talked about.
Straighten out your cap and gown, boy.
And do not get on that stage and embarrass me in front of these white people, or else I'll slap the pomp out of your circumstances.
Scratch that.
Hi, Daddy.
Hey, baby.
CHRIS: Where were you? Bailing Uncle Ryan out of jail.
Well, where did you get the bail money? My mixtape money.
Would have gotten it back if Uncle Ryan hadn't skipped bail.
Hey, sorry, man, but check it out.
I was talking to this guy down at the station.
Did you know George Foreman cooks? The boxer? Yeah.
He's coming out with this grill.
I hear it's gonna make a lot of money.
A George Foreman grill? No, that's all right, man.
I'm-a wait on the Muhammad Ali toaster oven.
Come on, honey.
Let's go in.
You look nice, sweetie.
Congratulations, man.
Hey, man.
Hey.
We made it.
I guess so.
Now, let's get in there so we can get out of here.
Next stop, the Bronx Academy.
Dude, I am so in there.
Hey, Spridle, Chim Chim, let's go.
~ Looks like we made it ~ My days at Corleone had sailed, and Drew and Tonya were floating on air.
( classical music playing ) ( loud crunching ) ( applause ) Those are my babies.
Aren't they fabulous? Drew got more women in a tutu than I got at 22.
( sighs ) So long, Greg.
So long, Chris.
What, no final insult? You gotta go through the rest of your life being black.
I can't top that.
We won't ever have to deal with him again.
At the Bronx Academy of Science, everyone's a nerd.
Thank god we're not going to Tattaglia.
( crowd chattering ) ( triumphant theme playing ) Chris, wait.
What's wrong? Chris, I've got bad news.
What? Well, I just heard from Mr.
Perkins.
Unfortunately, your application to the Bronx Academy was denied.
What? I thought this was settled.
What happened? Well, as crazy as it may seem, it turns out your father really does have two jobs.
You're mother's not a heroin addict.
She's even got a job.
And apparently, you do own that house.
Your family's doing far too well for you to qualify for financial aid.
Chris, why did you lie? So, what does this mean? I'm sorry, but it looks like you're going to Tattaglia after all.
But this isn't fair.
I know, but always remember this.
When you get to the other side of the river, the streets of heaven will be lined with gold for you, me, and all God's chillins.
I was still in shock, so I didn't have the presence of mind to smack her upside the head and run.
Oh, man.
I know.
So, what now? This is it.
Oh, man.
I know.
But, you know, we're gonna hang out during the summer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, totally.
~ Always the same theme ~ ~ But can't you see ~ ~ We've got everything Going on and on and on ~ Hey, Greg? Yeah? Catch you later.
~ You take a piece of me ~ Sorry.
I couldn't let it go.
~ Everybody hates Chris ~ ( funky hip-hop theme playing )