Family Guy s03e22 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Dad, can you help me with my math? Mr Shackleford says if I don't learn it I won't be able to function in the real world.
OK, you gotta go down the road past the old Johnson place.
You're gonna find two roads, one parallel and one perpendicular.
Keep goin' until you come to a highway that bisects it at a 45-degree angle.
Solve for X.
Maths.
Huh! Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
(knock at door) - Hello, sir.
- Enough foreplay.
What you sellin'? Well, I was gonna try to sell you some Handsome Cream, but I can see you already bought out the store.
- Go on.
- So perhaps you'd be interested in something every homeowner cannot be without: volcano insurance.
- Go on.
- According to my uncle, who's a real whiz with volcanos, a volcano is coming this way.
(Peter's voice echoes) Hm.
I too have an uncle.
Come in.
- How much is this volcano insurance? - I-I don't know.
Let's say $200.
$200?! That's more than I spent on all that Handsome Cream.
I don't have it.
- What about that jar of money? - No way.
That's Lois's rainy-day fund.
- Come on.
It never rains in Rhode Island.
- Yeah, but we've never had a volcano either.
Well, don't you think we're overdue for one? Touché, salesman.
(snoring) - Agh! What the hell are you doing?! - Watching you sleep, cutie-pie.
Why, you sick, sick little moo-cow! - You shall watch no more! - (glass smashes) - Stewie! - My glasses! I can't see a thing! - Why won't you let me get laser surgery? - I just don't think it's safe.
OK, just a quick incision here and we should be all done, Mrs Wilson.
- Luke, use the Force.
- Really? Cos I was just gonna - Use the Force.
- OK.
(screams) - Are you happy? - I've never been happy.
Oh, don't worry, honey.
We'll get you a new pair tomorrow.
And in the meantime here's a vision test.
What is this? A poopy or a Toblerone? (woman) We now return to "Girlfriends" on Lifetime.
- Barry was over last night, and - Don't tell me.
- (both) He left the toilet seat up.
- (canned laughter) Oh, I ran into Frank.
It's funny - he fought in Vietnam, he's an exorcist, but there is one thing that terrifies him.
- (both) Commitment! - (laughter) Oh, Midge.
You're my third best friend in the whole world.
- Third? Who are the first two? - Ben and Jerry.
Peter, did you take the money from the family jar? Who, me? Yes, me.
Couldn't be.
Then who? Yeah, I did it.
I bought volcano insurance.
Volcano insurance? That's ridiculous.
That's what you said when you talked me out of getting cloud insurance.
Look at them up there.
Just plottin'.
Picking their moment.
So, Bill, we attack tomorrow? Yes.
Tomorrow.
- I mean it this time.
- I do too.
Peter, that was our emergency money.
And your daughter needs a new pair of glasses.
- Lois, no one really needs glasses.
- You wear glasses.
That's only to fool the man from the draft board.
I can't believe you squandered that money.
I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child.
What can I say about my beautiful bride? Except "Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made.
" (laughs) Watch who you're calling a child, because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A paedophile.
And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.
Can you believe it? Lois thinks I'm bad with money.
She's got a point.
You're the white version of a black guy who's not good with his money.
Hey-hey, guys and dolls.
Drinks are on doh-ray-mi.
- Where'd you get that? - This is from my stockbroker lan Greenstein.
He made some smart investments that really paid off.
That guy is to money what Miss Ann-Margret is to (grunts) Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire.
My accountant Larry Rosenblat just got me a huge tax refund.
And tickets to Bring In 'Da Noise, Bring In 'Da Funk.
The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk.
Wait.
Rosenblat? Greenstein? You're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money.
Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money.
Well, yeah, not the retarded ones, but why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's edgy and there's offensive.
Good day, sir! (Lois) Mother, you know how I hate asking for money, but Mother, Peter's an excellent provider.
No, Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp.
I don't care how well that chimp across the street is doing.
Really? Well, yeah, OK, I guess you can tell him I said hi.
But don't make me sound desperate.
I gotta get a Greenstein or a Rosenblat of my very own.
Nothing else has worked so far So I'll wish upon a star Wondrous dancing speck of light I need a Jew Lois makes me take the rap Cos our chequebook looks like crap Since I can't give her a slap I need a Jew Where to find A baum or stein or stin To teach me how to whine And do my taxes? (whirring) Though by many they're abhorred Hebrew people I've adored Even though they killed my Lord I need A Jew (knock at door) Hi.
My name's Max Weinstein.
My car just broke down.
May I use your phone? Now my troubles are all through I have A Jew Hey! I prayed for you, Max Weinstein.
And here you are! OK Listen, uh, thanks for letting me use the phone.
Thanks for Spaceballs.
- Well, if there's anything I can do for you - You can't leave! Aaargh! - What do you want?! - Financial advice.
How the hell did you know I'm an accountant? Hello?! Max Weinstein? I'll try, but I don't know why you think I can get your money back.
Max, Max, Max, let's not deny our heritages.
You're Jewish; you're good with money.
I'm Irish; I drink and I ban homosexuals from marching in my parade.
Now get my money.
Oh.
It's you.
Um I'm not in right now.
Please leave a message.
Beep! Man, I hate these things.
Uh, yeah, hi, this is Peter Griffin.
Sorry I missed you Peter, play with this.
Sir, I reviewed this contract and it offers no cover at all.
It just says "volcano insurance" over and over again.
And down here in small print it says "He's signing it, he's signing it, I can't believe it.
" So? Refund this man's money and we'll go.
- I don't have your money! - How about that money? No way! That's Lois's rainy-day fund! Ah, dammit.
(laughter on TV) - You didn't date her cos she was a tickler? - Tickler! - You're not a stickler for a tickler? - Not a stickler.
Not a tickler stickler? - Tickler stickler ickler - Ickler tickler - Where the hell is the remote? - Hey, honey, guess what? - I got back the money for Meg's glasses.
- Really? Oh, honey! Oh, hello.
This is my special friend Max Weinstein.
He's Jewish.
- Ooh, my.
How exotic.
- Thank you? See, here's your rainy-day money, and I balanced our chequebook too.
- You balanced our chequebook? - Yep.
Isn't that right, Max? Mm? Oh, yeah, sure.
He did it.
I'm gonna call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street (gibbers like a chimp) Look how low I've sunk.
Taking credit for something a smart Jewish person did.
- That's OK, Peter.
- People have done that for too damn long! It is the white devil that has propagated, exacerbated, instigated Instigated Line? Instigated our hatred like a Buick.
God, what was I thinking when I agreed to this? This is so degrading.
This is worse than the time I was at the Friars Club and Soon-Yi's retainer fell out of my pants.
Lois, I appreciate the marshmallow and fish casserole, but I'm sorry, I can't eat this.
Oh, because it's not kosher? - Yeah, let's go with that.
- Can Stewie and me be excused? - He's gonna help with my math homework.
- Chris, he's just a baby.
Oh, and you're a regular Rhodes scholar(!) Where was it you graduated from again? Hm? The University of Duhhhh? - I can help you with your homework, son.
- God! Is there nothing you people can't do? - I mean, other than manual labour.
- Peter! What a ridiculous thing to say.
They built the pyramids.
You'll have to excuse Peter.
He can be tactless sometimes.
Like when he soiled himself at that dinner party.
I was so sorry to hear that your father passed away.
Yes.
It spread through his body so fast, but he's at peace now, and the whole thing Uh-oh! (sighs) Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that Operation! - May I play? - (all) Mom! Thank you, but I can't stay.
It's Friday.
I've gotta go to Temple.
Temple? Like Indiana Jones? Will you just pick it up already?! They better not be expecting money.
I gave at church and I'm sure it goes to the same god.
Peter! Max, it was nice of you to invite us along.
Your husband's got a good heart but his views on Judaism are misguided.
I'd consider it a mitzvah to educate him.
No, no! No, no, I don't think so.
It's not that I have ideological differences, I'm just not a hat person.
Hey, I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish.
Hey, there's Bill Nye the Science Guy.
And half of Lenny Kravitz.
Optimus Prime? He's Jewish?! Jeez, Max, I don't know about this.
I went to Catholic school.
I'm not sure this is allowed.
Ah, what the hell.
(alarm) Oh dear.
Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue.
Lock and load, Brides of Christ! (quacks) Excellent, excellent.
(quacks) - Hello.
- Oh, we're not Jewish.
But I hear you people have such lovely services.
Oh, my God, I didn't mean "you people", I I-I didn't mean "Oh, my God" either.
I know he's your God too.
Shh.
And on this day, the Sabbath, we gather here to Uh-oh! Well, that was so nice.
A good sermon and such beautiful songs.
Yeah, just like that other Jewish musical we saw.
A fiddler on the roof.
Sounds crazy, no? But here in our little village of Anatevka, you might say each one of us Khan! Kha-a-a-an! - There's my cab.
It was nice meeting you.
- Thanks for everything, buddy.
Mr Weinstein, I thought you were gonna help me with my homework.
Sorry, son, I have to go.
But I'm sure you'll do just fine.
I dunno, Max.
The kid's not exactly an honour-roll student.
Watch.
- Hey.
- He did it.
See? Peter, you took me in, fed me dinner, came to Temple with me.
You're a nice family.
I have faith that Chris will grow up to be a real mensch.
Lois, I just figured out how to make sure Chris becomes a big success.
Tell me this has nothing to do with Tony Robbins.
No, I learned my lesson.
- Could you sign this book, please? - Tony Robbins hungry! No, Lois.
I'm gonna make Chris Jewish.
- What are you talkin' about? - He thinks Chris will become smart.
You can't convert someone because you think it'll help their grades.
I don't wanna hear another word about this.
- Where are we going? - Son, it's too late for me, and Meg's a girl.
But for you the sky's the limit.
We're gonna go to that synagogue and turn you Jewish! OK! Chris, duck.
(sighs) Mr Griffin, I still don't understand.
Why exactly does your son want to join the Jewish faith? I dunno, he's bicurious.
I appreciate your interest, but Judaism takes a serious commitment.
Elliot here has spent years preparing for his Bar Mitzvah this Saturday.
A Bar Mitzvah! Perfect! How much for one of those? You can't just buy a Bar Mitzvah.
It requires a lot of study.
Can't we skip it? I mean, if Chris could study he wouldn't need to become Jewish, right? Right? Right? Don't worry, Dad.
I don't need a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm OK just the way I Ow! Ow! Ow! Now, we got no time to lose.
There's gotta be some place in America where you can take a spiritual ceremony that begins a lifetime commitment and blow through it in about 20 minutes.
(brash show music) All right, Dad! So, how do I look in my new glasses? How shall I put this? In an attic somewhere there's a portrait of you getting prettier.
Wow, someone needs a nap.
After lunch it's straight to bed, Stewie.
(groans) This isn't the first time my wit has gone unappreciated.
(man) And in the comedy competition, Stewie Griffin receives three and a half stars.
Challenger Sinbad receives four stars! We have a new champion - Sinbad! Stewie, any parting words? Um, you know, I got beat, pure and simple.
You-you are a very funny man.
"Men be acting all like zombies at the mall.
" God, ain't that the truth? Where's your father and Chris? It's not like them to be late for lunch.
I think they left a note.
(scoffs) - What do you know about this? - Nothing.
- I know when you're lying to me, Brian.
- No, no, I swear.
Meg, take Stewie upstairs.
- What-what-what are you doing? - Oh, you don't know that either? Last chance, Brian.
- (silence) - (Brian howls hysterically) Agh! They're in Vegas gettin' a quickie Bar Mitzvah.
What?! Well, hel-Lois! Forgive me for pointing.
Quick, I need to borrow your car.
I've got a Bar Mitzvah to stop.
No problem.
Let me grab my keys.
Ah.
Here they are.
Aw, Chris.
In a few minutes you'll become a smart, successful Jewish man.
I could make a foreskin joke but this is a solemn occasion.
Besides, there'll be plenty of time for that on the ride back.
Oh, I got so many of 'em, too.
I know, I know.
"Shh.
" But later (acoustic guitar music) (music slows down) (incoherent Hebrew) Chris! Chris! - Stop this travesty right now.
- So Bar Mitzvahs are travesties, huh? No.
My son getting Bar Mitzvahed is a travesty.
He's doin' it for all the wrong reasons.
Well, lookee here, Herschel.
We got us one o' them self-hatin' Jews.
Nothin' I hate worse than a Jew who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage.
- Come on, Mordecai, let's get her.
- (congregation shouting) I'm sorry, Lois.
I just wanted our son to be Jewish so he'd be smarter.
Then his wife wouldn't be sorry she didn't marry the chimp next door.
Peter, just because Steven makes more money than you doesn't mean he's smarter.
- And I think Chris will do just fine.
- How do you know? Because I have faith in him, the way I have faith in you.
Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success.
I see what you're saying.
The Jewish are just like us.
No better, no worse.
Yeah, and as they say, "zo Zion met grec".
- What? - I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be OK.
(thwacking/yelling)