Frasier s03e22 Episode Script

Go ahead, Tom.
I'm listening.
Hi, Dr.
Crane.
Uh, it's about my girlfriend.
My problem is, I don't know if I love her for herself Or because things are so great between us physically.
Well, how long have you two been together? Six years.
And the sex is still that good? Oh man, Dr.
Crane, every morning, night, three times a day on weekends.
But I'm not sure we have much else in common.
Well, common interests are of course the foundation of three times, you say? Is that abnormal? Well, uh, no, no, it's not abnormal.
It's not fair, but it's not abnormal.
Um, but you know, perhaps you share more things than you think you do actually.
I'll tell you what, try this: why don't you pick up a catalogue from a local university, go through it with her and see if there are any courses you'd like to take together? That's a good idea! Thanks, Doc.
Have a great weekend.
Well, I'd wish you the same but it hardly seems necessary.
Well, that's it for today, Seattle.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane, wishing you all good mental health.
Niles called from the airport; he wants you to call him back.
He sounded frantic! I'll call him from the car.
He's flying to a conference in Switzerland; I promised to talkhim through it.
Surely he's flown before? Well, not coach! Roz, is this the dress you're wearing to the wedding? I have to, I'm a bridesmaid.
Is there a reason it has to be so, so? Hideous? It's supposed to be, so that way, the bride, By comparison, will glow! Next to this baby, she'll light up like a bug zapper.
You know, of all my friends in Wisconsin, this girl was the last one I thought would beat me to the altar.
Not the Dairy State's comeliest chunk of cheddar? Let's just say she works in her father's ice cream parlour and she eats her mistakes.
The groom's family makes cones.
Oh, well, we don't need Freud for that, do we? The whole thing is just so depressing.
Lately everyone I know is settling down, getting married, having children.
What am I doing wrong? Well, do you want me to answer as a friend, or a therapist? As a friend! See a therapist.
Frasier! Well, Roz, I think your whole problem stems from some unresolved issues that cause you to choose the men you date.
Always flashy and superficial, offering no prospect of a lasting relationship.
Why would I do that? Maybe fear of commitment, fear of being hurt.
But maybe it's time you started looking at different kinds of men.
You know, men who are more settled, a little less flash and more substance.
You're probably right, Frasier.
Hey, if I were smart, I'd go out with the next guy I see I'm not the least bit attracted to.
Roth, Roth, I juth bit my tongue.
Can you kith it and make it better? The next one after him.
Oh, Doc, Doc.
Here's my video camera.
Oh, thank you, Bulldog.
What do you need it for? Well, I'm going to record my father.
I'm going to have hislife on tape so Frederick can enjoy it in years to come.
What a good idea! Whoa! That's the ugliest thing I ever saw! I'm going to a wedding.
Oh, I love weddings.
Never been to a wedding where I didn'tbag at least one bridesmaid.
And the uglier the dress, thequicker they want to get out of them.
This one would hit the floor before the rice! I've got to get going.
Can you believe I actually have to be seen in public in this thing? Well, Roz, it's only for a few hours.
After that you can donate it to the Salvation Army and one day make some Irish drag queen very happy.
What's the point of going to Switzerland without spending a day on the slopes? So I ducked out of the conference and who should I run into, but Maris? She'd just flown in for heryearly goat placenta treatments! Good Lord, is it placenta treatment time again already? We had a set-to on the slopes.
She ran, I tried to followher tracks in the snow, but alas, she made none.
Oh, dear What is it? What's the matter? I just spotted someone.
It's my least favorite patient.
The man's a compulsive womaniser.
He goes through so many women, he calls them all by the same odious nickname, "Sunshine," to avoid slip-ups.
Oh, God.
Frasier, what do you do when you don't like a patient? Well, it's a tricky subject, isn't it? How long have you been seeing him? Six months.
We've made no progress whatsover.
Sometimes Ifeel he comes in not so much for help as to brag.
He claimsto have been with, at last count, one hundred and fifty women! Oh puh-leease! A hundred and fifty! As if anything over, say seven weren't absurd.
Well, I would say eleven, but I get your point.
Oh, now serving one hundred and fifty-one.
Good God! He's here to see Roz? Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named them Man and Woman of the Year.
Niles, you don't understand.
She-she'sbeen very vulnerable lately.
Well, I hope you'll forgive me if I don't stick around.
I'd like to leave before she makesintroductions.
I've got to warn her! Warn her how? What I just told you was in strict confidence, therapist to therapist.
You can't go repeating it! But-but- No! Oh of course, of course, you're right, I won't.
But that is the last man that Roz should be with! Well, don't worry.
Knowing Roz, he won't be.
Hey, Frasier! Oh, Roz! I'd like to introduce you to someone.
This is Ben Collins.
Frasier Crane, pleasure.
Likewise.
Is it all right if we join you? Oh, why not?? I'll grab our coffees.
He is the greatest guy! You know, when I first met him, I thought, "He's not my type.
" Then I remembered what you said.
And I'm so glad you gave me that advice, Frasier, because without it, I would never have given him a second look.
Well, Roz, let's not rule out that all-important third look.
Would you stop worrying about me, Frasier? This one'sdifferent.
I can tell he really cares about me.
Here you go, Sunshine! Why can't you be like other dogs? Why can't you bring home bones or animals you kill? Give me those! Relax, I'm just going to put them with the roses you picked yesterday.
Oh hey, Dad! Fresh from your walk? I think now is as good a time as any to crank up the ol' camcorder.
Nah, maybe later.
Oh Dad, you've been saying "no" for weeks now! Well, gee, some people would take that for a hint! All you have to do is just sit here and talk about yourlife.
Life's got nothing to do with it! This is about me dying and you having something to look at after I'm dead.
The wholething gives me the creeps! I can't believe you're refusing to record your history, thestory that only you, Martin Crane, can tell, because it gives you the creeps! OK then, I'll tell you the real truth.
My Indian heritage forbids it.
I'm afraid your magic box will rob me of my spirit.
I don't know why you're being so negative about this.
It'snot really for when you're dead.
It's for when you've lostyour mind.
Hey, Frasier.
Oh hello, Roz! Why, after waiting for forty-five minutes, did I assume you'd forgotten our appointment? Sorry, but uh I was on my way out, when Ben called.
Oh yes Ben.
Oh, what's with you? Every time I bring him up, you make thatface.
I'm getting the sense that you don't like him that much.
It's just that I know something about Ben What? He's a little old for you.
He's thirty-six! Exactly my point! When you were a freshman, he was a senior.
That never works out! I'm getting my briefcase! I'll go get a Coke.
Oh, hi, Daphne! Hello, Roz.
How are you? OK can I ask you something? Does Frasier seem weird to you-? Oh God, yes.
I haven't finished my question yet.
Yes, well, when you know the answer, it's hard not to hit thebuzzer.
Well, this is strange.
I mean, for the first time in years, I'm in a really solid relationship, and instead of being happy for me, Frasier seems upset.
Oh, that is odd.
Unless Unless what? Well Dr.
Crane is jealous of Benbecause he wants you for himself.
Huh? Ohhh, no, no, no! Yes, what else could it be? Fra-Frasier? What, you really think so? Daphne, no! No way! No, he doesn't - Frasier is the one who told me to find myself a new boyfriend.
Someone who is settled, someone more nurturing, someone with substance over flash.
They could put that on Dr.
Crane's tombstone.
Oh, come on! No way! Yes! Wait, there's something else.
What? I probably shouldn't tell you this.
But earlier this morning, Dr.
Crane was on the phone with his brother and he said that your relationship with Ben was driving him crazy, and that he was dying to tell you but he can't.
Oh my God, did you hear him say that?! I certainly did! Oh, this is too weird, this is too weird! What am I going to say? Maybe I won't say anything.
Maybe he'll just see how happy I am with Ben.
Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben! My God, Roz, would you just drop it with Ben for a minute and pay some attention to me? Oh-kaay! Morning, Roz! Hi, Frasier! Hey, you look lovely, that colour's very flattering! Thanks.
You know, I think this calls for a hug! Oh, I don't look that good.
No, no, no, no, Roz.
Look! My God, the ratings are in, and we did better in our timeslot this week than ever before! Congratulations, partner! Why don't we have dinner tonight, celebrate? That sounds so fun but I kinda have plans.
I should have known.
Another time, perhaps.
Yeah sure, that sounds great.
Yo, Doc.
When are you going to return my video camera? I got a hot date tonight and I want to record certain events for posterity, if you know what I mean.
Uh tomorrow, Bulldog.
Well, maybe tonight you could just have a police sketch artist crouch on your balcony.
So Mom, let me ask you something.
How long did you know Dad before you told him youloved him? Mom? Mom? Mom, you've been divorced fifteen years! Let it go! Listen, Ben is coming over to dinner tonight, and I think I'm going to tell him I love him.
I gotta work, bye! Oh I'm, I'm sorry, Roz.
I should have knocked.
It's OK, it's OK, it's OK! I couldn't help overhearing the last part of your conversation there.
You think you're not rushing things a little bit with Ben? Are you really that serious? Yes, I am.
But you know, there are a lot of men in the world.
And lots of women, too! Well, that's more of a personal preference but I I meant for you! Look, Frasier, what I'm trying to say is I know you have a problem with me and Ben, but we're happy together.
Well, it's just that you've only been going out for a month! Well, sometimes, that's all it takes.
Fifteen seconds! Listen Frasier, I'd like to think that there's some small part of you that is happy for me.
Afterall, it WAS your advice that got me this far! Of course I'm happy for you.
Thanks.
Me and my stupid advice will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle! I'm not doing it, it's morbid.
It's not morbid.
And besides, if you don't do it, the only footage we'll have of you in the family archives is you pretending your stomach was a face that summer at the lake.
Alright Niles, if it'll shut you up, I'll do it.
Thanks, Dad! We'll make this quick and easy.
Is that what you're wearing? Forget it.
No, no no, all right.
Here we go, here we go.
OK My name's Martin Crane.
When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old.
But now I'm DEAD! Trapped in a box, underground Pretty scary, huh? Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century? Alright, alright, I do.
Remember to always work hard, and that family comes first.
And I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took off a drug dealer that I have stashed in my old army foot locker.
The combination is left fifteen, right thirty-two, le-le Future generations: see what I had to put up with? Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
I suppose this means we're finished? Well, unless you want future generations to see me go to the can! Niles, actually I'm glad you're here.
I have to talk to youabout Roz.
Oh, no, no, no.
I've breached my ethics once already.
Niles, please, I've gotten desperate! No, no, no! Niles, she plans to tell him that she loves him tonight! From what you told me about Ben's patterns, that will be the end of it and Roz will be shattered.
God, there has got to be some loophole in this confidentiality rule that will allow me to warn her and still preserve your ethics.
Niles! Help me look through these textbooks! No, I'll have no part in this! Please, Niles! Think of Roz! I'm thinking of my license! Well then, think of what Freud said! "We are never so helplessly unhappy as when we lose love.
" Oh, all right! But that was dirty pool, using a Freud quotation.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's the Crane boys' kryptonite.
I know, I know.
Thank you.
Say, here's a possibility.
According to this, it says we can warn her if he means to do her bodily harm.
Does he? No.
Damn! It would be so much easier if Roz were mentally incompetent.
Go on Well, then there'd be some justification for protecting her.
Is she irrational? She did attack a vending machine once, when a Twinkie came out of the Oreo chute.
Borderline, borderline.
Does she ever act delusional? Well, she often claims that she is responsible for thesuccess of our show.
Building, building.
Does she display below-average intelligence? She once ordered a bottle of white Zinfandel! Jackpot! Go to her, she's a threat to herself! It's amazing they even let the woman drive! Who is it? It's Frasier! Oh my God! What happened? He dumped me, Frasier! Oh, oh, honey! I - come here.
Oh God Everything was going great! Until I said "I love you, Ben.
" Then he got this look on his face, like he'd taken a wrong turn in a really bad neighbourhood! He didn't even touch the champagne.
Oh I'm I'm sorry, Roz.
Here.
Thank you.
When you when you professed your love for him, uh were you dressed like that? No! After he left, I went in to change, and I saw all theseold bridesmaid dresses hanging in the closet.
And that's when it hit me.
That's what I am, a bridesmaid! I might as well wear the uniform! Oh Roz, no, no! Now, now, come on! Yes! Come on! Now look, look, you know, I find that whenever I'm low, it always lifts my spirits when I just spruce up a bit.
It wouldn't hurt to run a brush through your hair or through your teeth.
Oh God! I must look awful! No, no, not at all.
You're a big fat liar.
But you were right about Ben, and I just didn't see it.
What made you come over here anyway? Well, actually, I was coming over here to take one last stab at convincing you that Ben was the wrong man for you.
You deserve someone better, Roz.
Oh, yeah, I'm a real catch! Hell Oh, now, things really aren't all as dark as they seem.
You know, you're a-a beautiful, intelligent, desirable Why don't you let me just take a stab at that, will you? I can't imagine any man not thinking himself the luckiest in the world to be with you.
You really do think that, don't you? Yes, and I'm surprised you even had to ask me that.
I guess I didn't.
I've known that you've had these romanticfeelings toward me, for a while.
What? Oh come on! Don't deny it.
Those hints about finding someone with substance over style, the way you hated Ben.
And then Daphne told me she overheard you telling Niles that you couldn't stop thinking about me and wanted to tell me the truth! Daphne told you that? Yeah - don't be mad at her.
No, no, I'm not.
It's just that when she said that No it's OK, Frasier.
I'm glad she told me.
The only thingkeeping me from completely falling apart right now is knowing that someone like you could be interested in me.
Well, then there's no point in denying it, is there? You know, maybe the idea of you and me isn't so crazy.
You are the kind of man I should be with! Smart, gentle Ow! I said gentle! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Roz.
Uh, you know, it's just that there are so many I know, I know.
Workplace romances always fail.
Exactly my point! And I'm on the rebound.
I've got to give myself time toheal.
Yes yes, lots of time.
On the other hand, you are the one who always says the best relationships start with friendship.
Well, I do say that, yes.
It's true, but And we're friends, aren't we? We're very good friends.
Right now we are both free.
Oh well, in my case, painfully free.
You know, maybe if we both went into it with our eyes open? Oh no, what am I saying? My relationship with you is probably the healthiest one I've ever had with a man! I don't want to screw that up.
Now that you mention it, my relationship with you isprobably the best one I've ever had with a woman! Not that it's been much of a horse race, but To friendship? Here's hoping the next time you tell a man you love him, he says it back.
Well, let's see.
I love you, Frasier.
I love you too, Roz.
You gonna be alright? Yeah.
Well, I'd better run.
Yeah, my saying "I love you" seems to have that effect onmen.
No, no, I'll-I'll stay if you like! No, no.
Don't you worry about me.
I will not be alone.
I will be sliding into a hot tub with my good friends, Ben & Jerry.
See you tomorrow, Roz.
See you, Frasier.
Guest Callers DAVID DUCHOVNY as Tom