Roseanne s03e22 Episode Script

Is it a boy or a girl? Wait for the ring to start moving.
Side to side's a boy.
Up and down's a girl.
I don't want to know.
Well, then don't look.
Well, only tell me if it's a girl.
Side to side.
It's a boy.
Oh, I wanted a girl.
Well, you should have laid the other way.
This is stupid.
You're right.
Let's do it the scientific way.
Let me look at your butt.
What are you talking about? It's a scientific fact.
If it's a flat pancake butt, it's a girl, and if it's a bubble butt, it's a boy.
I am not going to show you my butt.
Come on.
Just do it.
God, mom.
Get a life.
We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.
Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty, little life-sucking poop machine.
You still want her to babysit? Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
What are we going to name this baby? Well, we have a tradition in our family.
My grandmother was Ruby, and my mother was Amber, and I'm Crystal, so I was thinking that this must stop.
Well, don't give it some dorky name like Becky.
What's wrong with your dorky name? It's like a chicken noise.
It's like Becky, Beck-Beck-Becky.
You're lucky.
It was the seventies.
You could have been named Frampton or Chablis.
Well, I got to go.
Help me.
Oh.
Mom, look.
I ate my pop-tart into the shape of a gun.
Boom, boom.
I definitely want a girl.
You better tell that to your butt.
Oh, Roseanne.
Remember, Lamaze class tomorrow night.
I'll be there.
Bye.
Wait.
You're her Lamaze coach? What happened to ed? I'm just a backup in case the baby comes early or Ed's out of town.
I'll deliver my baby in a pool of warm water.
That's the gentlest way to deliver a baby.
And I imagine it keeps the swimmers out of the shallow end.
I'm telling you.
You got hurt.
You should sue.
I'm fine, Arnie.
You're lucky you're alive.
What happened, Dan? Are you ok? Nothing.
No, it's ok.
I had a little accident at the job site.
You were almost killed.
It was great.
Dad.
I got in the way of a wrecking ball.
That's so lame.
Tell them the good part.
Ok, I'll tell them.
So Dan is sitting in the Porto-Johnny minding his own business, and the wrecking ball comes in, and bam! Knocked that sucker 17 feet.
I measured it.
Did you see a doctor? It's just a couple bruises.
It could be like a concussion.
No.
I got a hard head.
Does it hurt, dad? Get away from there.
I'm more embarrassed than anything else.
I crawled out with my pants around my ankles and there's 30 people standing staring at me.
It was really an awkward moment.
Fortunately I had the presence of mind to start the applause.
Don't you owe us money? I got to go.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you eating? Salami and peppers.
One brush with death a day isn't enough for you? I live on the edge.
You want a bite? Wuss.
What are you doing up? I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd go over some bills.
Maybe what happened today's keeping you awake.
Nah.
You weren't like worried something more serious could happen? Nope.
So that's our will there, huh? Ok, I was curious about what might happen to my wife and family if I hadn't been so lucky.
Come on.
It's the middle of the night.
Honey, I think we should talk about this.
What would happen if we went at the same time, like in a plane crash? We never go anywhere, Dan.
A plane would actually have to crash into the sofa.
We haven't changed this will in 16 years.
Darlene and D.
J.
Aren't in here.
We left Becky to Ziggy.
He was the most responsible person we knew at the time.
He had his own Texaco card.
What were we thinking? We were thinking anybody but our parents.
Come on.
Let's go to bed now.
How can you go to sleep knowing the kids aren't taken care of? Like they're taken care of when we're awake? Come on, Dan.
I'm tired.
I really think we should deal with this.
All right.
We'll decide who gets the kids.
Now Who do we really hate? Who did we get up to? Do you still want to be cremated? Yeah.
Not right now.
You know, 'cause it is pretty complicated.
First I got to find the urn, then I got to find the matches.
I was hoping you'd die on a Thursday when it's trash day.
I'll try to expire near the curb, dear.
You know, when I die, I don't want one of these funerals where everybody cries.
I want you to throw a great big party.
Oh, we will, dear.
Morning.
Hey.
Hey, girls.
So, which of us inherits this dump? What, were you eavesdropping? Well, you've been yakking about it all night.
And face it, Mom, you've got a voice that can bend steel.
Yeah, well, we decided that when we die we're dividing everything between the three of you.
I just want the cash.
It has sentimental value.
Don't drink out of the milk carton.
What are you doing up so early? I started jogging again.
I ran all the way over here.
Good for you.
I'm just going to rest here for a second, and then you can drive me back home.
I'm going to work.
You want a lift? No.
I'm going to get breakfast first.
It is the most important mooch of the day.
You be careful.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got any oat bran or shredded wheat or Oh, cocoa puffs.
Well, I'm out of here, too.
Bye.
Bye.
Don't die.
I'll do my best.
What's that? Your will? Yeah.
We were up all night figuring out who gets the kids if we die.
That's got to be fun.
Don't worry.
You're off the hook.
D.
J.
took my keys and locked himself in my truck.
Can I use yours? They're in my purse.
Why did he do that? He doesn't want me going to work.
"I'll be killed.
" Oh, man.
Don't worry.
I'll talk to him.
He'll be fine.
What did that mean, I'm off the hook? Oh, yeah.
We decided we'll leave the kids with Crystal and Ed.
Why don't I get the kids? You get the washer and dryer.
We didn't want to separate them.
No, I'm serious.
I'm closer to those kids than anybody.
I know, but you're a single woman.
Well, a lot of single women raise families.
Yeah, I know, but they do it from the time that they're babies.
Roseanne, I have been there since day one.
Since they were babies.
You're trying to tell me I couldn't do it.
No, we just didn't want to burden you.
Which is a really nice way of saying you don't trust me.
Hey, you'll thank me when I'm dead.
Jack.
King.
You win.
Let's play again.
Don't you have homework to do or something? I want to stay with you.
Ok.
You getting hungry? Yeah.
I guess I ought to get dinner started.
Becky! - War! - War! Yeah, dad? You know where mom put that casserole? Yeah.
It's in the refrigerator.
I looked.
I couldn't find it in there.
Geez, it's right here.
I guess I'll put it in the microwave.
Ok.
Hey, um Could you hand me the aluminum foil? What for? You're supposed to keep it covered, aren't you? Dad, you can't put metal in the microwave.
I was just going to use a little.
Just forget it.
I'll do it.
Thanks, honey.
What are you guys doing? Getting ready to set the table.
Do you know where mom keeps the forks? I'm not dumb enough to fall for that stupid move.
Hey, don't call him stupid.
I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Shut up.
You shut up, Darlene.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold on, killer.
Deej, why don't you get washed up for dinner? Ok, dad.
I'll be right back.
What was that? Since I got home, he won't let me out of his sight.
Dad, he's crazy.
He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for others considering what happened to me yesterday.
You were sitting in a Porto-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball.
I didn't take one shot.
Now, that is love.
I'm sorry.
Thank you, dear.
Oh, right.
Suck up for the inheritance.
Ok, in through the nose, abdomen, chest, shoulders.
Fill up with air.
Exhale.
Think of letting go.
Keep the breathing moving.
Coaches, help mom relax.
So anyways, Jackie gets all bent out of shape, like trying to make me feel all guilty.
She can't take care of three kids, you know? Have you ever seen her fridge? She's got one egg and a can of Margarita mix.
Coaches, a little word of encouragement for mom.
Atta girl, Crystal.
Ok, let's take a little time out here.
I'm sure you've been thinking of questions since the last class.
Anybody? This is my first baby.
I was wondering how long it takes to push it out? 18 years.
I take it you've got kids? Yeah.
Two or three.
Did you use natural childbirth? Well Kind of, but actually there's a story that goes along with this.
Get off me, Crystal.
Oh, no, Roseanne.
You're not going to scare them, are you? We'll see what I say.
Ok, now, my first kid, they just knocked me out, so I didn't feel anything.
Then they hand me the baby.
She's 16 now Blonde and thin.
I don't think she's mine.
But, uh Anyway, then when I had my third kid, I hadn't lost any weight from my second kid or from my first kid, so they were trying to give me this local deal and everything, but I kept feeling pain, so I keep on begging for more drugs until finally the doctor comes over and goes, "I'm sorry, Mrs.
Conner, "but if we give you any more drugs, it's going to kill your baby.
" So I thought about it for a while and, uh Then I said, "ok.
No drugs, but just hit me with a sledgehammer.
" Of course he wouldn't, so I ended up feeling the whole thing.
Was your husband there? Yeah.
He had taken the classes, so they had to let him in.
But all in all, I'm glad he was there.
This is all your idea.
I hate you! Let go! Oh, god.
It hurts.
Breathe.
It helped before, but it's not helping now.
You're not doing it.
Honey, breathe.
How's she doing? Contractions are a minute apart.
And she's at 8 centimeters.
8 centimeters.
You hear that, Roseanne? Way to dilate.
Oh, god, you're such an idiot.
Your mouth dry, Rosie? You want a Tab? Get her out of here.
Jackie, why don't you go get some ice? Ok.
I'm sorry I'm being so mean to you, Dan.
You're not, honey.
You're being mean to Jackie.
That's why I brought her.
I can't stand it.
I got to push.
Not till the doctor gets here.
Now, come on, blow.
Ok, ok, it passed.
You're pushing.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
If you're not going to do this right, let's forget it.
All right.
We'll just go home.
God, you're such a moron.
Oh, god.
This is horrible.
What's happening to me? Either you're having a baby, or you ate the hospital food.
Oh, god, no.
Not a funny doctor.
Just a little more now, Roseanne.
Get this thing out of me! Ok, we got a head.
Just one, right? Keep pushing, Roseanne.
I can't! I can't! I can't do anymore.
Yes, you can.
Just one more good hard push.
Oh, Jackie, mom was right.
Sex is baaad! Ooh! What is it? What is it? Five.
Five.
Five.
Five.
One.
Yes! It's a boy! You did it! Let me see him.
Let me see him.
They're cleaning him off right now.
Oh, Jackie, I'm so glad you were here.
I apologize for being mean.
No, that's all right.
This is so great.
I'm here at the beginning of a new life.
That's why you've got to be the godmother.
I don't know what to say.
The same thing you said when I asked you to be the girls' godmother.
Oh, ok.
Ladies and gentlemen, men, men, the starting quarterback for the Chicago Bears, Dan Conner's boy-oy-oy.
Just give me the baby.
Ooh He's beautiful, Dan.
Just like you, honey.
Oh, hello there, little baby.
You tried to kill me, didn't you? Oh, look at him, Dan.
He's smiling.
I'm up.
It's late.
I can't sleep.
Why not? I'm thinking too much.
Buddy I've already told you.
You don't have to worry about me dying, 'cause I'm not going to.
You almost did.
I'm not planning on dying for a long time, ok? Ok.
Go to sleep.
Good night.
Good night.
But you could.
Deej, if you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun, is it? Well, how do I stop worrying? Well, I try to think about good stuff, like watching you grow up, teaching you how to drive a car, meeting the girl you're going to marry.
I don't like girls.
Yeah, you do.
See? I still got a lot of stuff to teach you.
Ok.
Ok.
Dad? When's Darlene going to die? Good night, D.
J.
See you in the morning.
You got it.
Hey.
Hey.
How was baby class? You know.
Same as always.
You know, I was thinking about this guardian stuff, and I was thinking maybe we should leave the kids with Jackie after all.
Roseanne, we've been through this.
Yeah, but she's part of their lives, Dan.
She knows when Becky's lying.
She knows when Darlene's sucking up to get money, and she understands all of D.
J.
's weird little chatter.
Are you feeling a little guilty? Yeah, I guess so.
Aren't you? Yeah, I guess.
Ok.
She wants them, she can have them.
Thanks.
Ok.
You go wake them up, and I'll drive them over there.
Let's go to bed.
All right.
You know, Dan, you need to get more life insurance.
We got enough.
No, we don't.
If you ever die, I want to grieve in Tahiti.
Me and Dan are dead.
You've moved into the house.
You're in charge of the kids.
Now, question number one.
It's Saturday night, 2 A.
M.
, and Becky's not home from her date yet.
What do you do? Ok.
Um Am I home from my date yet? Where am I? You don't have a date, Jackie.
You have three kids.
You will never have a date or life.
Right.
No date, no life.
I forgot.
Ok, I would call up all of Becky's friends.
Wrong.
This is that 911 question, isn't it? Wrong.
Ok, what? I don't know.
You go to Darlene's room and threaten Darlene's life Threaten Darlene's life.
I should have known that.
I should have had that one.
Ok, question number two.
D.
J.
's found a dead cat and insists on keeping it as a pet.
What do you do? I would very gently explain to him that the cat had gone through his nine lives and we would have a simple funeral.
God, Jackie.
Are you even going to try or what? All right.
Ok.
Dead cat.
Dead cat.
Um, I truly don't know what I'd do.
Neither did I.
All right.
Next question.
Becky and Darlene have been fighting for two weeks.
So? Right.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Ok, next question.
You're so exhausted from taking care of three kids and a house that you're not in the mood for sex for three whole months.
What do you do? Maybe you ought to give the kids to Crystal and Ed.
No, it's too late now.
No, no.
You wanted it.
You begged me.
No, no.
You made your bed.