Seinfeld s03e22 Episode Script

In parking lots, they have this "compact car only" spot.
Isn't that discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot that's my business.
There are people with real asses hanging out of their pants.
Nobody's stopping them.
Nobody goes, "Hey, hold it, sir.
Those are compact jeans.
You can't pull that in there.
" Hey.
I got bad news for you, buddy.
I think your car got stolen again.
What are you talking about? You parked on 84th and Columbus, right? I just walked by there, and that car is gone.
Yeah, I know.
Well, where is it? What's the difference? Well, there's no difference.
You know, I'm just curious.
Always have to know everything that's going on, don't you? -What happened to the car? -lf I don't tell you, it'll kill you, won't it? -Yeah, yeah.
It'll kill me.
-You have to know.
-You must know.
-I must know.
Well, I'm not telling you.
Come on.
Nope.
I don't think so.
-Well, please? -Not today, pal.
Okay, I beg you.
Now, see, just saying "beg" doesn't make it a real beg.
You gotta put some beg into it.
Okay.
Please! Please tell me! All right, but your begging needs a lot of work.
-Okay, okay.
What is it? -I loaned the car to George.
George.
All right.
Well, what for? George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester.
Okay? All right.
Why'd they go there? Would you stop it, already? -Why didn't they ask me to go? -I don't know! How am I supposed to know? -What, they don't like me? -I don't like you.
Well, if they liked me, why didn't they ask me to go? Yeah.
I really think it looks good.
Ten bucks.
How can you go wrong? All bald people look good in hats.
You should have lived in the '20s and '30s.
Men wore hats all the time then.
What a bald paradise that must have been.
Nobody knew.
You can wear a hat all the time now.
-Who's stopping you? -No, I can't.
What if I meet a woman? I'd always worry about that first moment where I take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face.
You sure you like these sunglasses? Man.
Well, I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine.
And you know I'm somebody you don't wanna have on your bad side.
-Why not? -Because I'm like ice, buddy.
When I don't like you, you got problems.
-ls this for the fight? -Yeah.
Starts in 35 minutes.
Yeah.
Hey, I invited Mike Moffett.
You don't mind, do you? No.
I like Mike.
I just got off the phone with him.
We had a great conversation.
-Yeah? What did you talk about? -Actually, we talked about you.
Yeah.
He had some pretty interesting things to say.
Yeah? What did he say? You have to know everything, don't you? -Come on.
What'd he say? -Why is that? Why do you have to know everything? -Kramer, just tell me what he said.
-Beg me.
-Please don't make me beg.
-No, I want you to beg me.
And I don't want you to say it.
I want you to put some beg in it.
Go on.
Kramer, please tell me what the guy said.
No, no.
That's no good.
No, I really don't think that's a beg.
No way.
It's close, but.
-Kramer! -Look, I can't say anything.
The guy told me this stuff in confidence.
I'd be betraying a friend.
Well, you can't just mention it and then not tell me.
All right.
I'll tell you, but you can't say anything to him.
I'm not saying anything.
I'm putting it in the vault.
I'm locking the vault.
It's a vault! -He thinks you're a phoney.
-He what? I told you.
He thinks you're a phoney.
-A phoney? He called me a phoney? -A big phoney.
Big one.
Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything? You begged me.
Do you hear that? Of course I hear that.
You had to move the mirror.
I wanted to check out my sunglasses.
Went to look in the mirror, it was gone.
You threw off my equilibrium.
Yeah.
Blame it on me because you can't drive, George.
-I can't drive? -Yeah.
Nobody drives like me.
Nobody.
I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on.
Want to see a right turn from the left lane? No, I really don't.
-I can make a left from the right lane.
-I'm sure you could.
-What are we gonna tell Jerry? -I don't know.
Start looking for spaces.
You're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block.
Just put it in a garage.
Look, I have my system.
First, I look for the dream spot in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.
No.
Come on, George.
Please put it in a garage.
I don't wanna spend an hour looking for a space.
I can't park in a garage.
-Why? -I don't know.
I just can't.
Nobody in my family can pay for parking.
It's a sickness.
My father never paid for parking.
My mother.
My brother.
Nobody.
-I'll pay for it.
-You don't understand.
A garage.
I can't even pull in there.
It's like going to a prostitute.
Why should I pay when, if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free? What? What do you want? Go around me.
I'm looking for spaces.
George! There's a space right there! -Beautiful.
-You just passed it, see? Look at that, the dream space.
Right in front of Jerry's building.
Dreams can come true.
What did I tell you? You didn't even have to take it out to dinner.
All right, now you're gonna see some parallel parking.
I wish you could make a living parallel parking.
It's all geometry, knowing all the angles when to make that first turn and when to swing it back in.
That's the key.
Will you just park it, already? There's nothing I can impart to you.
That's the sad thing.
It's so inborn.
I can't pass it on.
Look at this guy.
What, are you crazy? What are you doing? Hey, hey! You're stealing my space! Wait, you don't know who this guy is! People kill for a parking space in this city.
-He's not getting away with this.
-George! What are you doing? I think I'm parking my car.
You can't do that.
You can't sneak in from the back like that.
I'm not sneaking! I didn't even know you were parking.
You were just sitting there.
If you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in headfirst? That's the way I park! You didn't start backing in until I pulled in.
I was in the middle of a conversation.
Hey, buddy, what can I tell you? The point is, I was here first.
I was closer to this space than you were! But I'm backing in, you can't put it in headfirst! I can if I have room! Are you gonna move the car? No, I'm not gonna move the car.
-Jerk.
-You're not? -You believe this guy? -We'll put it in the garage.
I am not putting it in the garage.
It's my space.
What are you gonna do, you're gonna leave it here like this? -I'm going upstairs.
-Are you coming back down? I gotta tell Jerry we're here.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Make sure he reserves the good chair for me.
What are we gonna tell him about the clanking noise? Me? No, no, no.
You.
You're gonna tell him.
-I'm not gonna-- No! -You're good at this.
-What am I gonna say? -I don't know.
You'll think of something.
Just break it to him gently.
Man! Oh, my God.
I need a drink.
Got any Hennigan's here? Yeah.
Under the counter.
What happened? God.
Jerry, it was so terrible, what we just went through on the way home.
You wouldn't believe it.
What? Tell me what happened.
Okay.
Now listen.
We were at the tollbooth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay? And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay? And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us.
And so-- So then we paid the toll, and then we went through and then they started to follow us! So George tries to lose them, and-- And-- But-- But they were in this really-- Like a souped-up car, you know? And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels, and I was just screaming and then-- George is such a great driver.
-He is? -He is fantastic.
And then they fired a gun right up in the air! -A gun? -I think it was a gun.
And then they followed us all the way into the city.
And then they stopped, and they turned around and they went home.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? -Yeah, yeah.
I'm all right.
God.
-Oh, man.
By the way, the car hit a pothole, and now it's making a clanking noise.
Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that.
That's the important thing.
Exactly.
Where's George now? He's out in front arguing with some guy about a parking space.
-What are you talking about? -Look out the window, you'll see.
Hey, Georgie! Hey! Are you okay? Yeah.
I'm fine.
Crazy kids, huh? What? It's my cuticle.
Is that Jerry? -Jerry! -Hey, Mike.
What, you know Jerry? -Yeah, I know Jerry.
-How do you know him? -What's the difference? -Because I know him too -and probably a lot better than you.
-Well, bully for you.
Hey, Jerry.
You know, your friend here is a real piece of work! -I'm coming down.
-Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside? What, you know Kramer? -Hi.
-Hello.
Hey, your friend Mike's outside.
He wants to talk to you.
Hey, Mike! Come on up! The fight's almost starting.
-You're watching the fight at Jerry's? -Yeah.
Oh, great.
-You know that guy downstairs? -Yeah.
He's a real phoney.
What's going on? Will you come on down? This guy's in my space! It's my space! I'll be down in a minute.
-Are you going down? -Yeah.
-ls anything wrong? -Why should anything be wrong? I'll be down in a minute.
Hey, pal.
You're not getting that space.
I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to.
I'll die out here.
He was down there.
Once he passed his front bumper, it's no longer his space.
-No.
It doesn't matter.
He was here-- -Hey, Jerry.
-Long time no see.
-Hi, Mike.
-lndiana.
-Hey, Krame.
-You know this guy? -Yeah.
Yeah, I know him.
You're looking tremendous.
What, are you on some regimen? Yeah, 25-percent bran flakes.
The 40 percent was too much, so l found a store to make it special.
They take it down another 15 percent.
That's killer! Killer! I love that.
You've got to use that.
That's a definite.
Come on.
Hey! -Your friend here has real problems.
-Me? See what he did? See how he tried to sneak into my space? Going in front-first isn't sneaking! You went in front-first because you saw me backing up! I went front-first because I can make it front-first.
Pull out! I'll show you! You got a prayer.
I go in front-first all the time.
Front-first.
That's how you park when you're pulling a bank job.
-Did you talk to him? -Yeah.
-It's all taken care of.
-You told him? What did you tell him? I did a number on him.
It was a thing of beauty.
You really had to be there to appreciate it.
I can't believe it.
What'd you say? I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city.
A pack of teenagers? Yeah.
By the time I got to the end of the story he was so relieved we were alive, he couldn't care less about the car.
You are a genius.
It's as simple as that.
What can I say? You know, it's a gift.
I only wish I could teach you, but, you know, it's inborn.
By the way, thanks for inviting me to the flea market.
-What? -Yeah.
Jerry, he told me all about it.
-Great.
-I didn't know.
Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny.
Well, I didn't know you wanted to go.
A flea market? You went to a flea market? -Who's talking to you? -We just didn't think of you.
-You said it, sister.
-Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody and ask if they wanna do what I'm doing? People forget.
Look at Home Alone.
They forgot.
Great move telling him, by the way.
Real smart move.
I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything.
Judgment, Jerry, judgment.
You exercise no judgment! You're right.
My fault.
I'm sorry, Kramer.
I'm so sorry.
Really.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't care for that "sorry.
" What's wrong with that sorry? That was a good sorry.
Jerry -was that a good sorry? -lt was a so-so sorry.
Hey! Move this car! I gotta get through! You heard the man.
I guess you better be moving your car.
Like you're not just gonna back it in if I do that.
Well, somebody better move something soon! I got a truck full of ice cream here! They had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right? These guys don't trust each other, so they got two nonpartisan drivers to move them.
Wild pack of teenagers, huh? Yeah.
Amazing how they pick you out of everyone to terrorize.
Yeah.
I know.
I said to myself, "Why us?" You remember? Sounds like you did some pretty nifty manoeuvring.
You know, it's interesting, under that pressure, what you're capable of.
-Right.
-I learned a lot about myself.
-What did you do to my car? -I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror! I got discombobulated! Like you've ever been "bobulated.
" I thought you said you were a good driver.
No, I never said I was a good driver, I said, I was a good parker.
I think you said driver.
Parker.
I never said driver.
I said, parker.
Great parker.
That's not the way it was.
Move it up.
-No, that's the right position.
-No, no.
I was further in.
No, you weren't.
Stop there.
-Do you mind? -Do you? Somebody better move these cars.
-You're making a commotion.
-Hey, Sid.
-Who are you? -Never mind who I am.
I know who I am.
Do you know who you are? Why is it every time you park a car in this block everything gets disrupted and disjointed? -Sid, it's completely his fault.
-Right.
Why don't you start taking the bus.
Let's go.
I'm putting it in the garage.
The fight's starting in two minutes.
-Enough! -No! Don't do it! Are we gonna stay here all night? Yes.
I'm not giving him the satisfaction.
It's my space.
Why don't you just flip a coin, already.
No, this is a matter of principle.
That would be saying anybody can pull into any space any way they want.
I'm making a stand here.
I'm saying no to headfirst parking! We put up with too much crap in this city! We're not putting up with headfirst parking! Maybe if you hadn't been pontificating about what a great parker you were you might have got the space.
So you're against me now? He could have pulled up to that car and backed in but he chose to go in headfirst.
No, he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in.
-No, he wasn't.
-All that matters is who was there first.
You're not even old enough to drive, you little puke.
You just spit on me! Don't you raise your voice to me.
You're not my father! Hey, Matthew.
Hi, Jerry.
This guy's really a jerk.
-How you doing? -Okay.
I hear your father's closing his store.
What? -No.
Nothing.
-What's happened to Daddy? -He's going out of business? -No, no, no.
We're not going to have any money? -We're out of money? -No, of course not.
Mommy! Jerry says Daddy's closing the store.
He's going out of business.
We don't have any money? Jerry, what's the matter with you? I didn't.
I don't know about your friend Jerry.
He says some stupid things sometimes.
Yeah.
-Congratulations.
-What for? Well, you're pregnant.
-What? -You're not pregnant? No, I'm not pregnant.
-Are you sure you're not pregnant? -Yes, I'm sure! -That's weird.
-Come on, Matthew.
-No! -Come on, Matthew! I thought she was pregnant.
Hey, do you think I'm a phoney? -What? -Mike thinks I'm a phoney.
-He thinks you're a phoney? -But I can't say anything -because I'm not supposed to know.
-You have to say something.
I can't.
I told Kramer I was vaulting it.
-You gotta open the vault.
-Open my vault?! -Open your vault.
-Once I open the vault -it ceases to be a vault.
-You have no choice.
The vault.
You know why you can't go in front-first? I'll tell you why.
Because it signals a breakdown in the social order.
Chaos! It reduces us to jungle law.
When can you park headfirst? Never.
-Why are you asking him? -Who's talking to you? He's right! Never! What if you got 10 car lengths? Should you pull all the way to the front car? If you got 10 car lengths.
When do you ever have What about Sundays and holidays? Please.
What's going on here? This guy tried to sneak into my space.
I really hate people who do that.
I hope you don't let him get away with it.
Thank you for your support.
Hey, that's a great hat.
Really? You like it? I got it at a flea market today.
-Hey, George, nice hat.
-Yeah, thanks.
-Can I try it on? -No! It wouldn't fit you.
-Sure, it would.
-No! Get out of here, Newman.
-Let me try it.
-No! Stop it! -Let him try it on.
-I don't want him to! What is wrong with you? You want to see? There! There it is! Run! All right! You wanna try on the hat?! Try on the hat! Stop it, George! Stop it.
I was defending your parking.
-Come on, George! -Okay, just keep the hat! That's it.
The fight's already started.
I'm going upstairs.
-Who's coming? Elaine? -Depends on who's going.
You going? -I'm not going if he's going! -Me either! -Well, I'm going.
-lf he's going, I'm not going! -It's your house! -I don't have to go.
-I won't go if Jerry's not.
-Why won't you go if I go? Why? I'll tell you why.
-No.
Don't, Jerry.
-Like you didn't call me a phoney! What? -Thanks! Real good! -All right.
Jerry.
I think you completely misunderstood what I said.
I meant it in a complimentary way.
You know, when people say, "He's bad," it really means, "He's good.
" That sort of thing? -You know, slang.
-Use it in a sentence.
Man, that Michael Jordan is so phoney.
Why did you tell him?! -He begged me! -He begged you?! Come on, who wants to watch the fight? Okay, whose cars are these? Let's move them.
Let's go.
Officer, can I explain something to you? Let's go, or I'm gonna write both of you a ticket in about two minutes.
He can't pull in headfirst! Officer, he backed up from down the street! He was double-parked! He was sitting there! All right, you move your car.
It's his space.
You can't go in headfirst.
Wait a second.
Why can't he go in headfirst? He said the guy was just sitting over there.
What are you talking about? This guy was here first.
-But he didn't take it.
-Hey! It's his space! No, it's his space! You're gonna have to go to the bathroom! -You'll have to go to work! -I don't have a job! Neither do l! Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
People will kill each other for a parking space in New York.
Because they think, "lf I don't get this one, I may never get a space.
" You know.
"I'll circle for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.
" Everybody in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than parking spaces.
You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night.
It's like musical chairs, except everybody sat down around 1964.
The problem is, car manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars every year.
They're not making any new spaces.
That's what they should work on.
Wouldn't that be great? You go to the auto show, they got that big revolving turntable and there's nothing on it.
"New from Chrysler: a space.
" SDl Media Group