Frasier s03e23 Episode Script

You got something on your mind? It's Joe.
Tonight's our six-month anniversary, but we can't celebrate until next week because he's flying to Las Vegas with his buddies.
Oh, Vegas, huh? Great! Well, tell him not to miss the show at the Diamond Lounge: a Topless History of the World! If they've still got the same Bathsheeba he's in for a real treat! Oh yes, that's just where I want Joe spending our anniversary, some smutty show in Vegas! No, it's very tasteful and historically accurate.
Except at the end, where Eleanor Roosevelt and Eva Braun settle World War Two by wrestling in pudding.
Hello, Dr.
Crane.
Daphne.
Oh, Niles.
To what do we owe this pleasure? To an unscrupulous art dealer who's trying to rob me blind.
Last night, I was at a gallery opening, and Niles, is this going to be a long story? Moderately.
Walk-and-talk.
Anyway, I was at this opening, in conversation, when I made a rather emphatic point about pointillism, when I lost the grip on my canap and found that it became airborne! Well, the next thing I know I'm being confronted by an irate gallery owner who's demanding I reimburse him for the damage to one of his paintings! How he could notice a fleck of foie gras on a Jackson Pollock is beyond me.
He's getting an estimate, and just to protect myself, I seem to recall you knowing a trustworthy art restorer? Oh yes, I do, actually.
Saved my life last year when Eddie licked my Liechtenstein! I'll get you his card.
Oh, thank you.
You free for lunch today? Oh, sadly, no.
The radio station is subjecting my program to something they call a "focus group" this afternoon.
Dinner, perhaps? Oh, perfect.
And what exactly is a focus group? Well, they actually drag a pack of people off the street and make them listen to my program, and then dutifully record their opinions about it.
How demeaning! Oh, absolutely.
Can you imagine Sigmund Freud being dragged into a roomful of Viennese laymen to hear remarks like, "hate that Oedipal thing, but, oh, love the penis envy!" I mean, really! The worst thing is that they may change my show in deference to the opinion of Joe Six-Pack! You're worrying too much.
I was on a focus group once.
That sound you hear is a nail being hammered into my coffin.
They were trying out a new frozen snack.
It was a meatball with the cheese injected right in the middle.
Just as nature intended.
Dr.
Niles Crane.
Ah.
So, you have the estimate? What? Four thousand dollars, to remove a miniscule gobbet of duck liver?! I could do the same thing with a Q-tip and some club seltzer! Oh well, you may very well say "pay up or else," but I have something to say to you? Yeah, well at least I wasn't fooling around with the babysitter! Shut up! No, you shut up! Oh please, I have enough aggravation without having to listen to a stupid talk show! I swear, the only life forms lower than the people who appear on those shows are the ones who watch them! Like me? What? Oh no, I didn't realize? No, no, no, that's quite all right.
Although I do find it interesting that I get criticized for listening to people's problems, when all you do is get rich from it.
Surely, Daphne, even you can see the difference between cheap sensationalism and the practice of psychiatry.
Oh, "even me?" As in, "even feeble-minded Daphne?!" Well, I'll tell you what I can tell the difference between: a true gentleman and a condescending prig! I am NOT! He said priggishly.
Forgive me if I'm not as down to earth as you and your tattooed, muu-muu wearing brethren! You pompous twit! Couch zombie! Snob! Brat! Oh, shut up! No, YOU shut up! I'm glad we turned off the TV.
Oh, Dr.
Crane, I'm so sorry! I'm just so upset at Joe! I didn't mean a word of it! Daphne, I apologize? Oh no, it was my fault? I called you a couch zombie? No, please? Friends? Oh, of course.
Niles, what was that all about? I'm not sure.
But, oh, mama, it was glorious! Blood-pounding, sarcastic zingers flying! Are you saying you that enjoyed fighting with Daphne? Every exhilarating moment! It was pure, unbridled passion! I think I still have some of her spittle on my forehead! Oh, why did Dad ever tell us not to fight with girls? It's wonderful! The friction between us? Niles, is this going to be a long description? Very! Walk-and-talk.
By showering a reluctant girlfriend with gifts, Billy, you're applying a band-aid to a gaping wound.
My advice is to find someone who will return your worthy affection, or your wallet, as well as your bed, will be empty.
I see we're out of time.
Thank you for listening.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane, wishing you all good mental health.
OK, let's talk about Dr.
Crane's show.
Oh, I know you've been eyeing this two-way mirror, but the other people behind there are data consultants, so please speak freely.
There's no one involved with the show whose feelings could be hurt.
If anybody says anything bad about me, I'll kill myself! Now, Roz, relax.
We do a perfectly good show.
We're not going to change it one iota.
Only a fool would listen to the opinion of every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
I liked everything about it.
On the other hand, it's good to keep an open mind.
I like that Roz.
I think her voice is really sexy, especially that throaty laugh of hers.
Wow, that's nice.
I didn't know I had a throaty laugh.
You do.
I've noticed it too.
Really? Oh, you.
The stuff he says really seems to make a lot of sense.
Yeah, it's funny.
I mean, he takes his callers seriously, but he can kid around with them too.
Yeah, I listen to a lot of radio, and I think this is a great show.
Well, I just don't know how much more of this I can listen to! Manu, I notice you've been quiet.
Uh, do you have something to say? Me? No.
We'd like to hear your opinion of the program.
Well, it I don't know.
Something about I don't like it.
Well, who is this cheeky nonconformist? Well, let's see, his name is Manu Habib, married, no children, owns his own newsstand.
Wow, that is so weird, to hear someone's whole life summed up like that.
"Roz Doyle, Radio Producer, single.
" Well, getting back to your thoughts, Manu, you said there was something about the program you didn't like.
Can you be more specific.
I don't like him.
Why? I don't know.
I just don't like him.
Oh, I do.
I'm gonna start listening to him all the time.
It's a great show.
My God, Frasier, this is a love-fest! I can't believe we were even worried about it.
"I just don't like him.
" Hmm Well, looks like our coffee's here.
Why don't we take a quick break, OK? Hey, sports fans! How's it going in here? Bulldog, I thought they were testing your show across the hall? Oh, yeah, they are.
But after ten minutes it's just the same-old, same-old.
Guys love me, chicks pretend not to.
Whoa, your group's even uglier than mine! Would you knock it off? These people happen to like us.
Oh, will you guys lighten up? You got to get in the spirit of things.
Hey, hey! This is great, I live for a moment like this.
That's right, that's right, go for it, right there, right there.
Bulldog? As long as you're in there you might as well go after the Huevos Rancheros you had for breakfast! Oh, stop it! Hey, ten bucks says he eats what he finds.
Oh, that's disgusting! Come on, come on, come on, come o BINGO! Do I know these people or what?! Hi, Niles.
Hey, Dad.
May I assume from your dress windbreaker that you'll be joining us for dinner? Yep, but I'm making a pitch that we eat at the Timber Mill.
I got a coupon from there that expires tomorrow.
Oh.
If I dine there tonight, so may I.
Hello, Dr.
Crane.
Oh, there's the British bobcat! Now, look, she's still a little bit over the edge about this Joe thing.
So you better watch your step or you're gonna have a repeat of this morning.
We wouldn't want that, would we? Chips, Daphne? Was that wise? What do you mean? You know what they say, "many chips make for chunky hips.
" Waddle, waddle, waddle! Have you lost your mind?! Oh, no, no, I'm glad if I put on a few pounds.
Now maybe Joe will stop nagging me to plump up! Hey, Fras, how was the focus group? Fine, I guess.
Oh, well, you said yourself they didn't mean anything.
Yes, well, it's one thing to say that.
It's another to sit there being personally attacked! One man actually said, "I just don't like him.
" Only one? I'm sure someone must have said something nice.
Well, all the other eleven had nothing but high praise.
Eleven out of twelve liked you? You should be thrilled! F.
.
DR didn't have that kind of approval rating.
Yes, or Churchill for that matter.
Churchill that cigar-chomping gin blossom with a face attached! You're right about that.
There's a kiss hello to put you off your tea.
I wish I was able to talk to this man and ask him what it is about me that he doesn't like.
But, I-I can't, you see, he was told that his comments would be kept confidential.
Just forget it.
Come on, let's go out to dinner.
I'm buying.
Well, what is it he doesn't like about me? My voice, my manner, do I intimidate him? I don't know! What is it about you? Everybody has to love you! Just like when you were in that play in high school.
You get standing ovations every night, all your friends say you're great, you got one lousy review in the school paper and you sulked for a week.
Well, you know, Dad, I'd like to think I've matured a bit since then.
But, you know, you would have sulked too, if you'd read in the paper, "Mr.
Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad, the teen idol in 'Bye-Bye, Birdie,' made this reviewer say, 'Bye-bye, breakfast!'" That review was a mash note compared to my first draft.
I know just what you're going through.
I once won a dance competition hands down, but instead of celebrating I spent the whole night fretting over my one bad score.
Silly-head! Idiot.
Oh, I've stepped in it now! Listen here, Dr.
Crane? Yeah, Daphne? All right now, Daphne, just a moment! Just try to remember what you're like when you're arguing with Joe.
Consider Niles's situation.
He's separated.
You can't imagine the emotional see-saw he's on.
Not to mention the fact that he may be unaware that he's acting like a complete jackass! Of course, you're right.
I'm sorry, I should be more sensitive.
From now on, nothing you say can make me cross with you.
I suppose I had that coming.
Though I think "jackass" was a tad over the line.
Well, just consider it payback for the headline, "Crane's 'Birdie' Lays An Egg!" All right, now, Fras, you got to let it go.
You know, no matter who you are, no matter what you do, you can't please everyone.
I suppose my negative baggage is just a pound or two over the weight limit.
O.
K.
, good, come on, let's go have dinner.
This is good! This is healthy! I'm letting go! There he is.
The man who doesn't like me.
I knew we should have taken two cars.
What the hell is the matter with you? I'm sorry, Dad.
It's just that "I just don't like him," it's not specific enough.
Why doesn't he like me? What difference does it make? Well, if his point was valid, I would do something about it.
If it's not, well, then I could dismiss it.
Fine, go talk to him.
I can't.
He's not supposed to know I was part of the focus group.
You, Dad! You could go talk to him for me.
Oh, for crying out loud? Look, if we're going to be here for a while, could we at least lock the doors? Relax, Niles, the neighborhood's O.
K.
The docks are two blocks from here! So's the Ritz-Carleton.
Exactly! We're caught halfway between heaven and hell.
All I want is more information.
Dad, please? Please go talk to him for me? All right, if I get an answer for you, can we go to dinner? O.
K.
, fine.
Oh, but wait, wait, wait! Now you can't just walk up there and ask him.
He'll know that I sent you.
Got to find some artful way of introducing the subject.
Can we at least hide Dad's handicapped sign? It sends a clear signal that we're incapable of fighting back! So do your suspenders.
All right, I've got it, I've got it.
You're a business man in town from Chicago.
No, no, it's too obvious.
Uh, from Cleveland.
No would ever pretend to be from Cleveland.
Fine, then we eat.
Wait, wait, we're not through yet! Yes, you've had a bad sales month, and you're a little depressed.
You happen to see an add for my show on the side of a bus, and you were wondering if I'm as intelligent as I look.
What? Oh, just word it your own way.
Are we clear on this now? All right, I got it.
Businessman, Cleveland, depressed, then eat! Yes, Dad, eat! Honestly, sometimes you can get so obsessed about things! Oh, God, it's raining! Hi, I'm Marty Crane.
My son's Dr.
Frasier Crane.
He's across the street in that BMW.
No, don't look! Oh, my God.
He was behind the mirror.
Look, don't worry about it.
He's not mad at you.
He just want to know why you don't like him.
But I do like him.
No, you don't.
Oh, yes, I do! No, he heard what you said.
They lied to me.
They lied about.
.
They lied about the mirror, they lied about the free gift.
If that's a tod back, what the hell is funny pack Look, I just need you to be more specific What don't you like him about.
I can't do this.
I don't like to say bad things about people, and you are his father? No, you'd be doing me a favor! Just answer this one question, and we'll all get out of your life forever.
you're promising? Absolutely.
All right.
I-I don't know your son well.
But, uh, I guess I find him, uh, just a little bit annoying.
Yeah? Annoying.
O.
K.
You did good.
Thanks.
Please tell your son I'm sorry that he annoys me so much.
Will do.
Not yet not yet not yet.
OK, unlock! And lock! Mission accomplished.
Good.
Did he believe my story? Oh, yeah, I had him going pretty good.
That Cleveland thing really sold it.
Well, we better go eat now, huh? Before he sees us again.
Right.
So, uh, Dad, what doesn't he like about me? He said you annoy him.
Yes, how so? Well, I didn't ask him.
What do you mean you didn't ask him? Oh, geez! I'm sorry, Dad, but I have no idea what "he's annoying" means! Well, it's clear enough to me! Frasier, not to appear unsympathetic but I had my i'm dangerous space on so long it's starting to hurt.
oh, what is about me he couldn't find so annoying.
well, he mentioned something about not letting old man to eat! I'm just going to have to do this myself! Here.
Thank you.
Who're you calling? No one.
I just pressed 911, and I'm keeping my finger poised over the Send button in case there's trouble with those hooligans.
Oh, the UPS men or the little girls playing in the puddle? Hello.
Hello.
I can help you? Uh, yes, yes, you were recently speaking with a salesman from Cleveland.
I don't think so.
It was just five minutes ago.
He left you and went over to that car waiting right over there.
You see? Oh, God, no.
You're him, it's you.
Yes, yes, it is.
I'm so sorry, I really don't mean to bother you but I would like to talk to you for a minute.
I like your show.
Oh, no.
I like your show, and I like you.
That man was my father I like your father! Oh, that's very nice of you, but you see, you told him that, uh, you find me annoying.
Yes, yes, you did, and that's all right.
I don't mind constructive criticism.
It's just that I wish you could be a bit more specific.
What exactly is it about me that you find so annoying? You're not annoying.
Yes, I am! Would I be here if I wasn't? Well, I have enjoyed talking to you very much, but it's time for my break.
Oh, no, no, please! I'm so sorry.
I am a sticky mess.
Let me help you with that.
No, no, no, no, it's fine, good.
Manu? Drive safe.
Oh, dear God! I'm so sorry! Are you all right? Let me look at it, let me look at it? No, no! Look, I am a doctor.
No, no, I just go to the restaurant to put ice on it.
Right, you know, I'll hold down the fort here! Glad to be of help! He's crushed the gentleman's hand, and now he appears to be commandeering his newsstand.
Uh-huh.
Oh, good lord.
Smoking in the worst places! How much for the paper? Ah, yes, uh, well, that would be oh, fifty cents.
Thank you so much.
There we are.
Scuse me, are you Dr.
Crane from the radio? Why, yes, I am.
Oh, I just never miss your show! I love you! I guess you get tired of hearing that.
Oh, occupational hazard.
Oh, would you mind? Oh, I wouldn't mind at all.
To Amanda.
Amanda, it's a pleasure.
What are you doing here, anyway? Oh, oh, well you see, let me explain, you see.
The, uh, radio station conducted a little audio survey today, and although the response was favorable from eleven out of twelve of the participants? Is that smoking? Well, some people might consider it smoking, but you see, for me? FIRE! Oh, my God! oh my god Frasier set his newsstand on fire.
Mmm-hmm.
Uh, may I? Look, I know there's nothing I can say right now that would make you feel any better, but rest assured, I will be financially responsible for everything.
All this because you had to know why I do not like you.
Well, you were kind of vague.
You want to know why? I'll tell you why.
I think you are a smarty-pants.
I was too polite to say that before.
But then you spied on me, you stalked me, you badgered me, you poured Yoo-Hoo down my Dockers, you crunched my hand, and then, as if all that was not enough, you burned down my newsstand, my livelihood, a gift to me from my beloved uncle, may he rest in peace! Was that so hard? Special Guest Star TONY SHALHOUB as Manu