Modern Family s03e23 Episode Script

Phil, honey, you're still up.
Okay, how does this sound? Mitchell, I love you very much, I not only love you, but admire you, - and someday I hope to - Are you firing him or proposing to him? Honey, this was supposed to be a part-time job.
He was gonna be done in the summer anyway.
- Just be direct.
- I should have warned him.
How do you tell someone they have a reputation for being lazy? Mitchell? Lazy? Yeah.
Yeah.
He handed in a couple of contracts late, but I didn't want to say anything because he's practically doing this for free.
I can't do this! This isn't the face of a cold-blooded hatchet man.
Will you do it? Hey.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did we wake you up? No, I was up.
I'm worried about tomorrow.
My art teacher acts like I don't exist, but I have one last chance to impress him at our year-end art fair.
A few students are doing living versions of famous paintings.
I've chosen this one, and I'm using my own family.
Brilliant, right? When I told him, he said, "that's nice, Alice.
" It's been a year.
Alice? Really? Honey, do you think you're nervous because you've got a little crush on Mr.
Jarvis? - No.
- Are you sure? Because I've seen the way you look at him-- Sounds like you're the one with the crush! I've just never had a teacher not like me before.
- Well, Ms.
Davis.
- Mm.
Please.
She's a gym teacher.
She is to teaching what Dr.
Seuss is to medicine.
And to think she didn't like you.
You? What's your problem? Nothing.
I'm just excited for tomorrow.
I'm getting a medal at school because I put out a fire.
Luke, what happened? I don't know.
I was just walking by and I smelled flames.
I was there.
I don't like this.
We're not supposed to be in here.
Just keep a lookout! We're ten seconds away from creating luketonium.
- Oh, crap! - Look what you did! Luke, what happened? I don't know.
I was just walking by and I smelled flames.
Okay, guys, you're gonna be dragging tomorrow if you don't go to bed right now.
Let's go.
Go.
Fine.
Come on, Alice.
I'll be up in a minute.
"Mitchell, "I can't tell you how hard How hard this" No, that's-- no, it's not personal enough.
Okay, okay.
"I can't tell you how hurt and angry this makes me, "but you've been late too many times.
I'll need your keys.
" Daddy, no! I'm so sorry! Honey, I didn't hear you come downstairs.
You couldn't sleep, either? Uh, yeah.
No, there's just, like, a lot on my mind with graduation, and what to wear.
How does this look? Wait a second.
You're carrying your shoes.
How am I supposed to judge the whole outfit? Put 'em on.
So make sure you give this menu here a good, thorough reading.
- Soup.
- You didn't even look at it.
- Soup.
- Check out what's below the soup-- Sandwiches.
Have you check out what is below this outfit? This doesn't come from sandwiches.
Look! "The Jay Pritchett"? I don't understand.
They named you after a sandwich? No! They named a sandwich after me! "Turkey, bacon, Swiss cheese, red peppers, anchovies on wheat"? Most people would stop after the salty bacon, but I double down with the anchovies.
Were you making a sandwich or attracting deer? Is this bum bothering you, miss? Oh, I should get a picture of this-- an actual waitress sighting in this dump.
I took a chance and put in an order for your sandwich, although most people like their Jay Pritchetts to go.
What's happening? Gloria, it's Maxine.
So you're married to Jay.
Where'd you tie up your seeing eye dog? No, no, I'm not, um Okay, I get it.
I get it.
Here's that number for that neck doctor I want you to see.
- Thanks.
- What's wrong with your neck? For 30 years, I've been hearing it's a handball injury.
But it always seems to get worse with stress.
Maybe it's that audit he's got coming up.
- Audit? - It's nothing.
Oh, isn't that cute? He doesn't want you to worry.
Here's your sandwich.
Now you should worry.
Look at it-- my prettiest child.
Why didn't you tell me about your neck? It's fine.
Take a bite.
- Your company's getting audited? - Nothing! Three bad days, then it's over.
Come on! I'm-- I'm anxious to hear what you think.
I see it growing on ya.
It's like Maxine when she first tried it.
- You know, she-- - I don't like it.
- You probably didn't get all-- - Jay, I try it.
I don't like it.
That's all you can say? It tastes bad in my mouth.
It's like a fish and a turkey beat themselves to death with a pepper.
Okay, fair enough.
Maybe a little picky, though, from someone who prepared a Colombian specialty and said, "why are you not eating the hooves? They're the best part.
" I'm back! Oh, hey, Uncle Cam.
Oh, thanks again for picking me up last night.
You're welcome, but you have to be more careful.
I was the responsible one.
Lisa was drinking, and I took her keys, - and then e-- - I understand.
My senior year, I had a pretty crazy night myself involving a bottle of corn mash and an overturned plow.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
You don't know terror until you've had to stare down the eyes of a Missouri State Trooper and talk your way out of a P.
U.
I.
Honey, you don't drink coffee.
I do when I've been up half the night worrying about a project that's only one-third done, and I still have an apron to sew, scenery to paint, plus my normal crushing workload.
So Unless you have a better way for me to stimula-- Oh, God.
God, coffee's bitter.
That was your first sip? Okay, I got the chafing dish, salt and pepper shakers-- perfect matches, both.
I may have to readjust my grapes.
Oh.
Ow.
I'll just give you a little privacy.
Welcome back to the light show.
Hi.
Hi, Lily.
Hi, daddy.
Lily Sweetheart, no.
No, no, no, no.
We're-- we're not gonna do that today.
Actually-- actually, Claire, we're--we're trying not to use the word "no" so much.
We just read a book that said - children learn to rebel against that word.
- Uh-huh.
So we redirect her into a new activity instead.
Oh.
Here-- well, just watch this.
Lily, sweetie, hi.
It's daddy here.
Would you like to listen to some music? Okay.
There you go.
See? Every new generation thinks they have cracked the code on child rearing.
What's the latest theory? Never say "no.
" I say "no" every day in this house.
But at night, she's a "yes" machine.
No.
Oh, it doesn't seem that she is redirecting her own energy as much as using a lot of ours.
But do you see how she's slowly transitioning from the lights to the music? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
It's hard to believe there was ever a time when we just said, "stop doing that.
" Oh.
The garbage disposal.
Lily, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Now let's redirect you into a nap, huh? Actually, we're doing this new thing where we let her tell us when she wants to take a nap.
Uh-huh.
It's called "being your own nap Captain.
" Come on, sweetie.
- Hey! Hey.
- Phil.
Hey.
Did you ring the doorbell? Oh, no, 'cause I have these two coffees.
One is for you.
Thank you.
Here's my life-- a full-time job, a 3-year-old, and a second one on the way.
And as a favor, I agreed to do a little work for Phil's agency.
The problem is, I'm very good, and the more I do, the more they want me.
I-I even turned in a few assignments late so that they'd fall out of love with me a little bit.
Right.
How-- how long have you been standing here? Are-- are you-- are you all right? Oh, yeah.
'Cause you're-- you're really blinking.
I'm a stress blinker, um, and what really gets me going is confrontation.
I hate it.
I-I avoid it at all costs.
Terrible at it.
Once, I, uh, I tried to break up with a girl, and I danced around it so much, she didn't know I had broken up with her.
we're still married.
I am really sorry About the cold coffee.
It's not that cold.
It's lukewarm, so Funny story about that expression-- when the kids were younger, um, we had a, uh, - a wading pool - Uh-huh.
And occasionally, Luke would have an accident, and, um, Alex would scream, and we'd say, um, "it's okay, honey, he's just making it lukewarm.
" - Wow, so-- so - I gotta get going, - but I-I'll see-- - Okay, wait! I'm just gonna come straight out and say it.
Mitchell, you've done a wonderful job for the agency since you decided you'd help us out for just a little bit.
And we couldn't ask for more, could we? I wish it didn't have to end.
In fact, if it was up to me, you'd stay on forever - Phil, Phil - But it is not just up to me, is it? - So I - Phil, I saw this coming, and-- and look I bailed.
I made an excuse and left.
But I-I-I've gotta be straight with him.
"Phil, I cannot stay on with your firm forever.
" Oh! God, it's gonna crush him.
Maybe I can get Claire to do it.
Well, that was easy! We're really proud of you, buddy.
See you at the ceremony.
- You're not a hero.
- I put out a fire.
A fire you started.
- Was there a fire? - Yes.
- Did I put it out? - That's not-- Answer the question.
Yes.
I'm getting an award for it.
If they gave awards for starting fires, I'd be getting one of those, too.
I know you have a conscience, Luke.
Do you see this flag? It stands for Justice.
So when that fire marshall gets here, I know you're going to look at that flag and do the right thing.
You were very quiet all the way home.
Are you upset at me because I honked at that old lady? Normally, we leave the honking to the driver, but I'm used to it.
Is it because of the sandwich? Ah, you maybe could have eaten half of it Said a couple of nice things.
It's just a sandwich, Jay.
It's not about the delicious sandwich, Gloria.
It's about being respectful of a person's feelings.
But I was just being honest.
You don't have to be honest about every little thing in a relationship.
Some things you say, some things you don't.
Oh? What are the things that you don't say? Gloria, I really don't wanna do this anymore.
Oh, really? But you cannot just try to teach me a lesson, - and then not even-- - Okay, fine.
I don't say this, but it bothers me a little bit that you're just a tiny bit loud.
- Loud? - Not all the time.
Only when you, you know, when you talk.
So I embarrass you? Gloria what? - Am I being too loud again? - All right.
Buckle up.
Oh, I'm gonna go and try to do the laundry, and I'm gonna do it very quietly so I don't bother you.
Maybe Manny can help me.
Manny! - I get it.
- Manny! I get it.
Now you're not even making any noise.
Okay, this is way too many grapes, and this spoon is modern day, so if we use it, everyone at the table has to react in shock at the spoon from the future.
- Okay.
- And that went down the drain.
And you need a nap.
You need a nap.
I got it.
Ooh, I lost it.
Shoot.
Let me know if I can eliminate any distractions for you.
Oh, I got it.
No, I got a finger on it.
There it is.
Oh, lost it again.
Maybe you should just wait until it comes to you.
You know, make it the Captain of its own spoon platoon.
I understand the point you're making, Claire, but Oh! Now I'm stuck.
Yeah, Cam, you are stuck.
You are stuck on a philosophy that clearly doesn't work.
Sometimes, you need to say "no" to a child.
Yeah, and sometimes you need to say "no" to an adult.
No, Claire.
No, I don't need help raising my child.
Oh.
Okay.
Sorry.
Guess I-I do have a lot to learn.
Right now, I-I'm looking forward to learning if you will get your arm out of there before Lily gets to the garbage disposal switch.
Um Lily, sweetie! C-can you do something, please, Claire? I would like to.
Really, I would, but I would probably just say "no" and shred her confidence and mangle her self-esteem.
Okay, fine! I'm sorry! Just-- here, - Stop her! Stop her! Sweetie! - What to do with you? Claire! Okay! Ohh! Yes! - You think that's funny, don't ya? - Yes! Yes.
Well, it's wicked, Claire.
It's wicked.
Come on.
We're leaving, Lily! Lily! It's living art.
We stay perfectly still for 90 seconds, basically doing nothing.
Sounds like my first wife.
I don't know.
She always moved for me.
As long as you both agree it was only 90 seconds.
Two nerds with one stone! I love working in an office.
Is that your brother-in-law? I thought you fired him.
I did, before work.
Then what's he doing here? Is he disgruntled? He looks disgruntled.
No, he always looks like that.
Hey.
How's it going? Hey, hey.
Listen-- - Okay, I know this is uncomfortable - Mm-hmm.
But we really need to talk about my future here.
But I-I-I thought we-- No, I know.
I know I led you to believe that I'd be able to stay on here indefinitely, and--and O-okay, - don't get all blinky.
- Oh.
- No, it's not all bad news, okay? - Okay.
You will have me until July, like we agreed.
- Okay, great.
- Yes.
Hey, could you jump on the elevator with me real quick? Yes.
Yes.
I could use a hand carrying up some stuff from my car.
Oh! My goodness.
I probably need some empty boxes, don't I? You know what? You head down, I'll meet you at the glass doors.
There was something else.
What was it? I know it's in there.
Oh, yeah, you're fired.
What? F-fired?! W-what's going on with these things? You trying to open 'em? Mm-hmm.
I guess I better get somebody.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-- you're firing me? I-I don't even like this job.
That can't be safe.
- Is someone trapped in there? - The guy they fired.
Oh, the lazy guy? Lazy?! You handed in a couple of things late.
I should have warned you.
I'm terrible at breaking bad news.
Well, then why did you come over to my house and tell me how great I was? That was me trying to fire you! I haven't felt like this since I tried to break up with Claire 20 years ago.
Someone's stuck again? That lawyer with the attitude they just fired.
They said it was your attitude, like you were doing us a favor.
I was doing you a favor! - Why didn't he get the stairs like everyone else? - Lazy.
Don't worry, he can't get you.
Two hours I got stuck in there with an entire office of people staring at me.
I finally had to lie down.
Didn't help my reputation.
Figures.
You guys nailed it.
Dude, that was surreal.
- Get it? - Dad, come on! We have a minute to set up! Where are Mitchell and Cam? Hey, Manny.
Thanks for what you said before about the flag.
It really got me thinking.
I knew you had a conscience, Luke.
And more importantly, you've got a good You didn't.
Yep.
And thanks to you, I had them move the ceremony to right under the flag.
I'll sign a picture for you.
Oh, there you are.
I was afraid you weren't coming.
It was a discussion.
If we weren't gonna show up, we would have clearly let you know, and not humiliated you in public.
If it's any consolation, the lawyer we hired to replace you is already suing the elevator company.
Ow.
You're sitting on my hand.
Be thankful you have two.
I almost lost one today.
Oh, stop being such a baby.
She was nowhere near that switch.
Shh! Keep your voices down.
We're about to go on.
Why you looking at me? Am I too loud? Is that what everybody thinks? - What? - There's a backstory here you don't wanna know about.
- I want turkey.
- Save your appetite, baby girl.
And don't forget, afterwards, we're going to Lenny's for a bite to eat-- more than a bite if you value my feelings.
Oh! Great, we get to see Maxine.
What? You know Maxine, too? Oh, we all know Maxine.
Love.
Second-best hugger in the world, after Mr.
Burt Reynolds.
Story to follow.
All right, guys, this will all be over in 90 seconds.
- Hold your poses.
- Okay.
I really wanna impress Mr.
Gorgeous.
Jarvis! Shut up.
Hey, Mitch, I know this isn't a good time, I-I just want you to know, - I'm really-- - I know, Phil.
You're really sorry, okay? But this is gonna take me a little time to get over, all right? Actually, I was gonna say I'm really gonna need your parking pass.
What?! Our next stage presentation will be Alex Dunphy's interpretation of Norman Rockwell's 1943 painting "Freedom from want.
" How do you sleep at night, Luke? - With a medal around my neck.
- Shh! - I want turkey.
- Lily, no! She doesn't understand that word.
Cram it, Claire.
Control your child, Cam.
It's not that difficult.
I've raised three.
- Really? - Cam! Why don't you ask Haley what time she got home last night? - Uncle Cam! - Sorry, dear.
Collateral damage.
- What is he talking about? - Shh! Your arms are shaking.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure that the great Maxine can do a better job! You can criticize my parenting all you like, Cam, but my son just won a medal.
For a fire he started.
Luke, is that true? How long? It's getting heavy! You're not getting that parking pass back.
I tried to let you down easy.
You don't know how to talk to people, Phil.
It's just like when Claire didn't even know you dumped her.
- What? - When did dad dump you? I didn't dumr! I just tried to! I am losing it! Just a few more seconds! I want turkey.
Lily, no! We really are trying to not say that word.
B-minus, but there was a silver lining.
"I expected more, Alex.
" Alex! I am gonna call Haley and tell her we're not going to that deli.
I can't take another minute of Cam.
You know, I'm not even sure I believe all these new parenting theories, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let her tell me they're wrong.
We are not going to dinner.
I tried that sandwich.
It's not that good.
You're not missing anything.
I sure won't miss seeing Luke and that stupid medal.
I play by the rules.
Where's my medal? Jay can stay with that Maxine.
She's not loud like me.
In fairness, you can be a little quick to give advice.
Well, I'm always ready to help, if that's what you mean, yeah.
Yeah, but if you're not careful, it can come off a little Know-it-all-y.
That's not a word.
What you mean to say is, it can come off like I know it all.
I've always been this way.
That's why I wanted to break up with you.
The word "fired" doesn't even apply.
You can't get fired from a favor.
Okay, sweetie, maybe you should just let it go.
Like I always say, it's better to carry a tune than a grudge.
Okay, you You've never said that, but And--and what about this grudge you're holding against Claire? I don't see you trading that in for a tune.
That is completely different.
She insulted my parenting skills.
Which, you have to admit, you can be pretty defensive about.
Okay, so maybe we both can be a little sensitive.
N-no.
No.
Mnh-mnh.
No.
These-- these are-- these are not equal.
No, you have no idea what it feels like to be fired.
Yes, I do.
I've been fired.
Everyone has.
Not me.
- Never? - No.
Nope, I've always been very good at what I do.
So then maybe what you're feeling is a little insecure about your work for the first time.
That's hogwash.
As someone who's seen actual hogwash, I can assure you that it's not.
I don't know why you're so bothered by Maxine.
She's nice.
Oh, good! Why don't you, Jay, and Maxine live together, eating sandwiches forever?! Can I float a theory here, mom? You sound like you're jealous.
Please! Me jealous of that woman? I just don't like the way they talk to each other! And the little jokes, and she knows everything about his life! Just makes me feel like, em Is that jealous? Ay, my poor sisters.
Just you? I thought the whole family was swinging by.
Who knows what they're doing? Right now, they're all sniping at each other.
Ah, who needs 'em? Right.
As long as I have you, Maxine I'm off in five.
Hey, Luke! What's with all the hardware? Well, he set fire to a school and lied about it.
You know they give medals for anything these days.
It's going back tomorrow.
He doesn't get a lot of medals.
I just really need one of these.
Hey.
- Don't hold back.
- Oh! - My girls.
There they are.
- Hi.
- Hello, hello.
- Hi, all.
- Hey, Cam.
- Hey! Come on in! I, uh, I appreciate your coming.
- And, again, I really, really-- thank you.
- Yeah.
- There she is.
- Well, look who made it.
Hola, Maxine.
So nice to see you.
Let me get you some menus.
We don't need it.
It's Jay Pritchetts all around! Gloria, if you want your sandwich without anchovies, - I won't be offended.
- Aw.
Of course, then it'll be a Jack Feldman.
- Hey.
Hmm? - Yeah? - Hey, man.
- Is the repair guy here? He's working on it.
Um, listen, uh, it's Katie's birthday, skip's assistant.
Big 3-0.
Still no ring.
You woke me up to tell me that? No, no.
I-I grabbed you some cake.
Oh, sure it's not for employees only? Okay.
Had that coming.
Who are you talking to, Phil? - Mitchell.
- Who? Mitchell, my br-- uh, the lazy guy.
I was doing you a favor.
All right, just give me the cake.
I'm hungry.
No! Oh.