Frasier s03e24 Episode Script

This is Dr.
Frasier Crane, wishing you all good mental health.
Happy anniversary! Oh, Roz! Oh, this is so much fun, Roz! I got you one too! Oh, thank you! O.
K.
, you first.
I mean, it's nothing really, it's not expensive or anything, you probably won't even like it, I'm not good with gifts? Look, don't oversell it, Roz.
It's a tape.
"The Dr.
Frasier Crane Show: Show #1, May 21st, 1993.
" It's our first broadcast.
Oh, Roz! I can't wait to listen to it! Did you ever think I'd stay on the air this long? Oh, hell no.
"To Roz, who believed in me from the start.
" Yes, it's from Hallmark's "Irony" section.
Oh, Frasier, they're beautiful! Earrings! Thank you, thank you! You deserve them.
Working side by side for three years, one can't help but become close friends.
And they're blue! To match your lips when they're cold! Oh, Mum, it's not that I don't want to come home.
I'd love a visit! It's just that I can't! He won't let me.
Oh, you have no idea what Dr.
Crane is like.
Why, he's an absolute beast unpleasant to be around, a real tyrant! Oh! It's just my mum.
I'm trying to get out of a visit home.
Oh, I understand.
All right.
No, I'm not exaggerating! He treats me like a bloody slave! Daphne! Where's my dressing gown?! Not to mention how cheap he is! That better not be a long-distance call! Yeah, yeah.
He does sound a lot like Aunt Lillian.
I got to run, Mum.
Love you, bye.
I'm sorry, you must think I'm a terrible daughter.
No, not at all.
I think you're a terrible liar, Daphne, but a perfectly run-of-the-mill daughter.
It's just that I only get one vacation a year, and I want to go somewhere fun, like Acapulco.
Well, that makes sense.
And going home is just so flipping boring.
It's always the same.
There's a wonderful reunion at the airport, and we share all our news on the way home in the car.
And by the time I've dropped off my suitcase, we've exhausted all conversation, and that's when I realize I've got a whole week left with nothing to look forward to but Dad telling the story of how he once shared a cigar with Winston Churchill during the blackouts ?he thinks! Well, it sounds like an easy decision, Daphne ? Hasta luego.
Oh, Dr.
Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them? Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that make life so rich and psychiatrists richer.
Yeah, well, maybe I'll just go call a travel agent, see which guilt trip is more expensive.
Good afternoon, Seattle.
My name is Dr.
Frasier Crane.
If you can feel, I can heal.
Fasten your seat belt, Eddie.
It's going to be a bumpy ride.
Hello.
You're on the air with Dr.
Frasier Crane.
"Put your head in my hands.
" "Little owlet in the glen, I am ashamed of you, You are ungrammatical in speaking as you do, You should say, 'to whom, to whom,' not 'to who, to who.
' Your little friend, Miss Katydid, may be green, 'tis true, But you never heard her say? Who the hell are you? I'm Roz Doyle, your new producer.
What? Producer? Dr.
Crane, I presume? Yes, yes, but, uh, where's Dave? Uh, he got another assignment.
But I was comfortable with Dave.
Look, Dr.
Crane, I know you've been thrown a curve, but everything's gonna be fine.
But I did a mock show with Dave.
I did mock-call-in's, mock commercials, mock news bulletins! Look, I got a bulletin for you: Dave's out, I'm in, and stop saying "mock.
" All right, look, Miss Doyle, I'm sure you're quite capable, but Dave has fifteen years of experience.
I'd really prefer that he do it.
Well, that would make two of us then, wouldn't it? I really think I should call management and ask for Dave, it's not really fair to Dave or to me.
Dr.
Crane, Dave dumped you.
Why? We were here until 2 A.
M.
this morning, as I explained to Dave in meticulous detail my philosophy of optimal mental health! It's a mystery, all right.
O.
K.
, look, I'm going to screen a few calls, and No! No, no, as I explained to Dave before, there will be no call-screening.
You see, I want my show to be fresh and spontaneous, and call screening squelches all of that.
And the mystery of Dave's departure deepens.
OK, you're on in five seconds, I'll give you a cue.
Good afternoon, Seattle.
My name is Dr.
Frasier Crane.
"If you can feel, I can heal.
" Let's see who's on line one! Hello, this is Dr.
Frasier Crane.
"You're on the couch.
" No, I'm not.
Well, I meant on the metaphorical couch.
I'm in a beanbag chair, O.
K.
? Uh, moving on then, um, how can I help you? It's about my husband Look, I-I just can't do this, it's really too embarrassing for me.
No, no, please, please, dear friend, you must - I'm really here to help you.
Please, go ahead.
I've tried, and I've tried, and I just don't know what to do about this! Well, you know, often in these cases, it helps if you restate your problem.
But this time, try boiling it down to one succinct sentence.
Now, how would you do that? My husband is dead! Well, perhaps we should go back to the wordy version.
Uh, we'll be right back after these Important messages.
Of course I could do a gardening show.
If I can grow plants in my dorm room closet, I must know a thing or two about horticulture? Are you trying to get transferred? Bye! Look, Dr.
Crane, I got to be honest with you here.
It's just that I-I think psychiatry is, just, uh, sort of - kind of bull! Oh, well, this is a match made in heaven then, isn't it?! Oh, don't be offended.
"Don't be offended.
" Why should I be offended? In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office! O.
K.
, you got to make the caller get to the point, and then for God's sake, so should you.
Duly noted.
O.
K.
Number twenty-four You know what, you're starting to glaze.
We can go through the rest of this tomorrow.
See you, Frasier.
Bye, Roz.
Oh, excuse me.
Well, excuse you.
Oh, Niles! Oh, Frasier! What a serendipitous event.
How did you discover my favorite coffee bar? Well, the radio station's right across the street.
I did my first show today.
Yes, you did, didn't you? Well good to see you, have a nice day! Niles, aren't you going to join me? Oh, well, I would, but I have a routine.
I come in every day, order coffee and spend some quality time with myself, you understand.
Niles, I've seen you once in the last two years.
Oh, that is your point.
Well very well, in the spirit of blood being thicker than water, why don't we? I remember your fourth birthday party.
Grandmother took us to the park to ride the carousel, and made all those little children wait while you wiped off your painted pony.
I was wearing Bermuda shorts and that saddle was slick with toddler sweat.
Well, uh oh, uh, thanks again for dinner the other night with Maris.
You two seem very happy.
Oh yes, it's love.
Like the Arctic Puffin, we've mated for life.
Honestly, I can't imagine even looking at another woman.
Excuse me, sir, have you finished with that sugar? Oh, yes.
You ready to order? Uh, yes.
Double decaf non-fat latte, mmm medium foam, dusted with just the faintest whisper of cinnamon.
I'll have a black coffee.
You'll have to forgive my brother.
He just came in on the noon stage.
I hope I never see the day when I am so frightfully pretentious that a good-old cup of American coffee isn't good enough for me.
So, how'd your visit with Dad go? I haven't been to see him yet.
Really? You've been in town a whole week.
Well, I've been very busy, what with settling into the new apartment, unpacking Frasier, you're obviously making excuses.
I'm going over tonight for my weekly visit, why don't you come along? Geez, I know I should, Niles.
But I'm really in such a vulnerable state right now.
The last thing I need is Seattle's reigning sourpuss taking potshots at me.
Is that what you're worried about? Yes! Well, you have been out of touch.
Our father's a changed man.
Ever since he was shot, he's softened, with a whole new zest for life! Niles, I visited him in the hospital.
He made his roommate cry, and the man was in a coma.
Dad was still in shock.
The change came after.
As a psychiatrist surely you've seen this? A patient has a brush with death and rediscovers his love of life.
Ah, the laughs we've had when I'm over there.
I sometimes wonder if that bullet didn't crease his funny bone.
Oh thank you.
Can you believe the incompetence of that man? I very clearly asked for a whisper of cinnamon, he's given me a full-throated shout! There are countries in this world where they would lop off his sprinkling hand! You know, I'd forgotten what a weird little person you are.
Dad is going to be positively giddy when he sees that he's got the both of us tonight.
Who is it? Niles, and a special guest! Oh, jeez all right, hold your horses.
How does he come up with those? Look, Dad, it's Frasier! Well, I can see that.
That punk didn't shoot out my eyeball.
Stop it! He sees the humor in everything.
Frasier, come on in.
Thanks, Dad.
So, big game? Nah, they're losing again.
Pitcher's a bum.
He's a bum, he's an absolute hobo! Isn't that right, Skipper? Niles, are you drunk? Don't be ridiculous! Seeing the three of us back together again in the same room who needs alcohol for that? I do.
I do.
I'll get you a beer.
Thanks, Dad.
You filthy liar! You said he'd changed! Well, it got you here, didn't it? I've been dealing with him all by myself ever since Mom died.
Now it's your turn, so welcome home, prodigal son! You guys want some pork rinds? And that's as close as you're going to get to a fatted calf.
No, thanks, Dad.
Oh, will you stop staring at me? Here you go.
Ah, well, I understand completely, Frasier.
Dad, Frasier was just saying that he'd like to spend some quality time with you alone, so I'm just going to slip out.
All right, suit yourself.
All right oh, you haven't met Eddie.
Eddie? Frasier is the firstborn.
The torch has been passed.
So How was your flight? Oh, actually, I drove.
You take the I-Ninety? Uh, Eighty.
Should have taken Ninety, it would have got you here faster.
Darn.
So, Dad, did you listen to my show today? No, I missed it.
Sorry.
That's all right.
How'd it go? Well, uh, kind of rocky.
Spent a good part of the day puzzling over the proper signature line to use to introduce myself.
Well, I'm sure you'll come up with something.
Well, you know, I'm looking for something that's familiar but not a clich you know, something that's memorable but not too gimmicky You know, it doesn't really matter if it's got something to ad, please, I'm trying to have a conversation, it's hard with the TV on.
Well, I just want to get the score, O.
K.
? I'm trying to describe to you my dilemna with that phrase? All right, fine, I'm listening.
Are you happy? I'm listening.
That's it! "I'm listening!" That's fabulous! Have you got a pencil somewhere? Yeah, there's one in the kitchen on the table.
"I'm listening.
" Dad - oh, I love that! Uh, look, I hate to cut this short, but I told some guys I'd meet 'em down at Duke's.
You're leaving? Yeah.
Whenever you're ready, I'll walk you out.
Dad, I haven't seen you in two years, I stopped by and you're leaving in ten minutes? Oh, why don't we stop kidding ourselves? You don't really want to be here, and we don't really have anything to talk about.
At least I'm making the effort.
Oh, yeah ?it's an effort to talk to me, huh? Well, I guess that's why you only bother coming home once a year at Christmas.
Oh no, wait! Sorry, I take that back.
Last year you went to Arugalah, wherever the hell that is.
Dad, you know you're painting an awfully bleak picture here.
Ever since I moved to Boston, I've come home at least three or four times a year.
It's just lately things got a little hectic, and I haven't been able to come home as often.
Yeah I noticed how busy you got after your mother died.
But, what the hell, I didn't go visit you in Boston either, did I? So, uh, why don't we just drop this? No.
The point is that we're here now, together.
I don't want this night to end before we've at least tried to have one real conversation.
Will you at least try, Dad? Will you just sit down with me for a while and let's try, please? So, uh, you know, I'd forgotten how much it really does rain here.
You get used to it.
Makes things green.
Yeah where would the old earth be without rain? My darling, I would have thought that old fascination would wear off by now.
Well, hello, there! Hey! Oh, hey, guys.
Frasier, Dad tells me you've been on the air three years today, so we'd like to take you out for a celebratory dinner.
Well, thank you.
Dad, how did you know? Well, I heard that woman who called in.
You listened to my show? Well, I sort of I feel asleep during the Mariners' game but when I woke up, you were on.
And you didn't turn me off.
I did not! I listened to you for ten minutes before I finally dozed off again.
Faint praise, and yet it thunders in my ears! Hello, Dr.
Crane.
Hey, Daphne, we're going out to dinner.
You want to join us? Oh, thanks, but no.
I promised myself that tonight I'd decide what I'm doing on my vacation ? either home to the family or to sunny Acapulco.
I may just squeeze into my bikini and let my hips make the decision.
Of course, it would be more memorable if we celebrated at home, just for a? Let's go, let's go! Have a lovely time! Oh, fellas, hold the elevator for me.
All right.
Daphne? I was just thinking about our discussion earlier this afternoon, and I've decided to give you an extra week off.
That way you can go to Manchester, and Acapulco.
Oh, that's so sweet! You really must think I should go home.
Well, I've just realized that being part of a family is really worth the effort.
And very often the effort means you'll need a week in Acapulco, so Thank you, Dr.
Crane.
You're welcome.
I guess if I try a little harder, it won't be so bad.
Well, that's a good way of thinking.
You know, things can get better.
Hey, let's go! I got acid burning a hole in my stomach! Still would you mind leaving those brochures of Acapulco out for me? THANKS FOR CALLING Brooke Adams Joan Allen Billy Barty Matthew Broderick Blair Brown Cyd Charisse Billy Crystal Laura Dern David Duchovny Carrie Fisher Jodie Foster Teri Garr Eric Idle Sherry Lansing Ray Liotta Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio Armistead Maupin Paul Mazursky Jerry Orbach Faith Prince