King of the Hill s03e24 Episode Script
Take Me Out of the Ball Game
1 YOU WANT POTATOES WITH THAT, BUCK? YOU KNOW I DO, MRS.
FYBEL.
SCATTERED, SMOTHERED AND COVERED.
HANK'LL HAVE THE SAME.
ACTUALLY, UH, I PREFER MY POTATOES DICED AND CHUNKED I ALREADY ORDERED FOR YOU.
NOW, LISTEN UP.
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE IS PUTTING TOGETHER A COED SOFTBALL LEAGUE.
I WANT YOU TO PLAY AND BE HEAD COACH.
HEAD COACH? LIKE-LIKE TOM LANDRY? UH, I'M GOING TO NEED A MOMENT HERE, SIR.
Man: WHAT YOU GOT, BUCK? VANILLA MILKSHAKE? DOCTOR WANT YOU TO PUT ON ANOTHER 40 POUNDS? GET OUT OF HERE, THATHERTON! OH, WHERE ARE MY MANNERS? ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE THE NEWEST DISPATCHER AT THATHERTON FUELS, MRS.
RITA BEVACQUA.
BEVACQUA HUH? IS THAT ANY RELATION TO FORMER TEXAS RANGERS THIRD BASEMAN, KURT BEVACQUA? KURT'S MY HUSBAND BY MARRIAGE.
Thatherton: CHAMBER OF COMMERCE RULE BOOK SAYS IMMEDIATE FAMILY IS ELIGIBLE TO PLAY.
HUSBAND FALLS UNDER THE CATEGORY OF "IMMEDIATE FAMILY" DON'T IT, BOYS? THATHERTON! I HOPE MY PICTURE ISN'T AT THE EDGE OF THE PAGE.
LAST YEAR, IT JUST SAID "CONNIE SOUP.
" YEAH, BUT I COULD STILL TELL IT WAS YOU EVEN WITHOU THE "HANOUSINPHONE.
" YOU'RE SO SWEET, BOBBY.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
YOU GUYS ARE A COUPLE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY PUT THA PICTURE IN THERE? YEAH.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? ( grunts ) HANK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? ( gasping ): DID BOBBY DO SOMETHING TO HIS EYE? NO.
NO.
NO.
STRICKLAND PROPANE IS GOING TO HAVE A SOFTBALL TEAM AND I WAS NAMED THE HEAD COACH.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, HANK.
MY GAME WENT WELL THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING.
HERE'S THE BEST PART-- IT'S A COED LEAGUE WITH A "WOMAN MUST PITCH" RULE SO YOU'LL BE PITCHING FOR TEAM STRICKLAND.
BUT I ALREADY PITCH FOR A TEAM, HANK-- THE LADY GIANTS.
BUT THIS IS A CHANCE TO PLAY IN A SERIOUS LEAGUE-- AGAINST MEN.
SEE HOW YOU DO AGAINST BATTERS WHO CAN REALLY PUT SOME ALUMINUM INTO THE BALL.
I AM IN A SERIOUS LEAGUE, HANK.
OF COURSE, YOU WOULDN' KNOW HOW SERIOUS BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER COME TO ONE OF MY GAMES.
PEGGY, YOU KNOW THAT TUESDAY IS MY NIGHT TO DRINK BEER IN THE ALLEY WITH THE GUYS.
IT HAS BEEN FOR YEARS! LET'S SEE-- I GOT ENRIQUE AT SHORTSTOP AND JOE JACK IN CENTER FIELD.
I'LL HAVE TO PU MR.
STRICKLAND AT CATCHER.
IT'S THE ONLY POSITION HIS CARDIOLOGIS WOULD CLEAR HIM TO PLAY.
AND HE, UH, HAS TO SIT ON A STOOL.
I WISH YOU COULD COACH MY ARMY SOFTBALL TEAM, HANK.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY GOOD LEADERS.
THAT'S CLASSIFIED.
THIS CHAMBER OF COMMIE-ERCE LEAGUE DISCRIMINATES AGAINS THE SELF-EMPLOYED.
I AM A ONE-MAN EXTERMINATION CORPORATION.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY? THOSE ARE THE RULES, DALE.
YOU GOT TO HAVE A STRICKLAND PAY STUB OR BE A STRICKLAND WIFE.
( sputtering ) I'VE SPRAYED STRICKLAND FOR TERMITES.
I HAVE A PAY STUB.
I'M ON THE TEAM! I'M ON THE TEAM! ( sighs ) GET YOUR ARROW GIRL COOKIES.
Bobby: HEY, CONNIE WANT TO SEE ME DO A? ( shrieks ) WHAT A DORK.
MY MOM SPENT TWO HOURS STACKING THOSE BOXES.
GOT MILK? 'CAUSE YOU GOT COOKIES.
AM I RIGHT? CONNIE, TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND TO GO AWAY.
HE'S HURTING BUSINESS.
JUST 'CAUSE WE'RE ON THE COUPLES PAGE DOESN'T MEAN HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.
I KNOW THAT.
UH I I JUST CAME TO BUY A BOX OF ARROW GIRL COOKIES.
UGH! THESE COOKIES STINK.
THEY'RE WAXY AND STALE.
BOBBY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO.
OKAY? ALL RIGHT, DEBBIE, FIRE ONE IN THERE.
LET'S SEE WHAT JOE JACK'S GOT.
GET OUT OF HERE, BABY.
I GOT IT! I GOT IT! Hank: ALL RIGHT, SOMEBODY PICK UP THE DANG BALL.
BACK IT UP, FELLAS.
I'M GOING DEEP.
HA-HA! I GOT IT, HANK! GIVE ME A BOOST OFF THIS DANG STOOL, WOULD YOU? AW, SHOOT! I'M GOING TO GE THAT SON OF A BITCH! MR.
STRICKLAND, SIR, THROW THE DANG BALL! YAH! I GOT HIM! I-I GOT HIM! OH, I ( gasps ) I'M HAVING AN INFARCTION! OH, MY GOD, MR.
STRICKLAND! SAFE! Hank: YOU KNOW, MY OFFER'S STILL OPEN.
WE COULD REALLY USE A GOOD PITCHER I TELL YOU WHAT.
MM BECAUSE IF YOU CAN PITCH AS GOOD AS YOU MAKE COOKIES MY ANSWER IS STILL NO.
AND BOBBY BAKED THEM.
- WHAT? - I USED DOUBLE THE BUTTER.
AREN'T THEY GREAT? BETTER THAN THE ARROW GIRLS.
OH, GOD, YOU DIDN'T JOIN THE ARROW GIRLS, DID YOU? NO, AND I NEVER WILL.
BUT I WILL SELL MORE COOKIES THAN TROOP NUMBER 159 CONNIE SOUPHANOUSINPHONE, SECRETARY-TREASURER.
JUST DON'T WEAR THE APRON OUT OF THE HOUSE, PLEASE? OKAY, HANK, I DROVE YOU HERE AND I HELPED YOU CARRY THE BATS.
THEY SEEMED LIGHT ENOUGH FOR ONE PERSON BUT WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.
YEAH, WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE MAYBE YOU COULD GIVE DEBBIE SOME POINTERS ON PITCHING.
HERE, I BROUGH YOUR MITT.
GOOD-BYE, HONEY.
Thatherton: NOW I KNOW WHA STINKS SO BAD-- STRICKLAND'S PITCHING.
OH, WHAT CAN HE DO? THE LEAGUE REQUIRES A WOMAN PITCHER.
AND LIKE I TELL MY GYM CLASS GIRLS CAN'T PLAY SPORTS.
AT LEAS I FOUND ONE THAT CAN GET I OVER THE PLATE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I'M HAVING SEX WITH HER.
( both laugh ) SHE'S NO GOOD AT SPORTS, RIGHT? OOH, THATHERTON! HOO-YEAH! ( groans ) I AM SAVING MY GOOD STUFF FOR OUR FIRST GAME.
( flugelhorn playing "Star-Spangled Banner" ) ( "Star-Spangled Banner" segues into "Feels So Good") ( "Feels So Good" segues back to "Star-Spangled Banner" ) ( chuckles ) OW! ONE UP, ONE DOWN.
A STRIKEOUT FOR Peggy Hill.
YEAH! OH! YAY! - SIT DOWN NOW.
- YEAH, PEGGY! Fifteenth strikeout for Peggy Hill! And your winner is the Strickland Bobtails! ( chuckles ) ALL RIGHT.
WHOO! ( laughs ) NO, NO! OH UH, YOU KNOW, THIS TEAM DIDN'T COACH ITSELF.
HE'S RIGHT.
NICE JOB, HANK.
OH, MAN, DID YOU SEE THAT SECOND BUN I LAID DOWN? THEY THREW YOU OU ABOUT 20 FEET, YOU SWEET GAZELLE.
( whistles ) ALL RIGHT, QUIET DOWN, TEAM.
OKAY, I'D LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS AS COACH.
THAT WAS A GOOD TEAM EFFOR OUT THERE, EVERYBODY.
JOE JACK, YOU GO YOURSELF A COUPLE R.
B.
I.
s.
NICE GOING.
ENRIQUE, DYNAMITE JOB OF CATCHING.
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMEONE, COACH? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIASED BUT I DID COACH ONE HECK OF A GAME, I TELL YOU WHAT.
( chuckles ) SO THANK YOU AND ENJOY YOUR PIZZA.
AND NOT ONE OF MY BEAUTY SCHOOL CREDITS HAS TRANSFERRED TO JUNIOR COLLEGE.
IT TURNS OUT YOU HAVE TO GET AT LEAST A "C.
" NEVER HURTS TO QUIT.
I'M HUNGRY.
WHERE'S DAD? PROBABLY BUSY PATTING HIMSELF ON THE BACK FOR GIVING BIRTH TO YOU.
MORNING.
OOP, TIME TO FLIP THEM.
UH-UH, THEY'RE NOT READY YET.
THEY'RE BROWN AROUND THE EDGES, PEGGY.
DON'T BURN THEM.
HANK, I HAVE BEEN FLAPPING JACKS FOR 32 YEARS.
WELL, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO LEARN HOW TO DO IT RIGHT.
HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SHOW ME! PLEASE, BE CAREFUL WITH THE PANCAKES! DON'T BUY INFERIOR ARROW GIRL COOKIES.
WHAT ARE THEY OFFERING? OATMEAL THAT'S FOR BREAKFAST.
MINTS? WHAT ARE YOU, 60? AND DOG POOP? WHAT KIND OF FLAVOR IS THAT FOR A COOKIE? OOP, MY MISTAKE.
THAT'S THEIR PEANUT BUTTER.
HELLO, LADIES.
BOBBY, WHA ARE YOU DOING? I'M TRYING TO RESTORE THE GOOD NAME OF COOKIES.
HERE, TASTE.
EW! THIS TASTES LIKE MUD.
WHAT? THAT'S A LIE! YOU TAKE THAT BACK! TASTE IT, CONNIE.
DON'T DO IT.
DON'T LET HIM MAKE YOU EAT MUD.
THIS ISN'T FUNNY, BOBBY.
CONNIE, WAIT! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BOBBY'S COOKIES! LOOK AT ME.
I'M EATING THEM.
THEY'VE GOT YOUR HEAD ALL TURNED AROUND! MM MM.
SORRY I'M LATE.
THAT'S WHAT I GE FOR PICKING THE MOST POPULAR GYNECOLOGIST IN ARLEN.
WELL, TRY NOT TO LET I HAPPEN AGAIN.
I CAN'T LET THE PLAYERS THINK I'M GIVING YOU SPECIAL TREATMEN 'CAUSE YOU'RE, YOU KNOW, MY WIFE.
THE BEST.
GOOD AFTERNOON, LUANNE.
HEY, UNCLE HANK.
RUN ALONG NOW.
HANK, LUANNE HAS BEEN MY CATCHER FOR THE LAST TWO SEASONS.
I NEED HER BEHIND THE PLATE.
ENRIQUE IS A NICE MAN BUT HE HAS GO A PORCELAIN HAND.
I'M AFRAID TO THROW FULL-SPEED.
LOOK, THE ROSTER'S ALREADY SE AND WE ALREADY HAVE THREE WOMEN ON THE TEAM.
DID I HEAR YOU RIGHT? YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO REPLACE OUR CATCHER ENRIQUE WITH THIS LITTLE FILLY? LUANNE HAS A LOT OF EXPERIENCE CATCHING ME BUT I TOLD HER, SIR, THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY ROOM ENRIQUE, YOU'RE FIRED! PERO YO TENGO TRES NIÃOS HAH! JUST KIDDING! HANK, STICK HIM SOMEWHERE.
STRIKE THREE! PUT UP ANOTHER "K" FOR PEGGY HILL! Hank: PEGGY! PEGGY! THROW IT HERE! WHAT? STRIKE THREE! OKAY, LET'S WALK THIS NEXT BATTER.
SET UP THE DOUBLE PLAY.
OH, HANK, I CAN STRIKE OU THIS LAP DANCER IN MY SLEEP.
NO.
IT'S NO GOOD STRATEGY.
WALK THIS GAL.
PITCH TO THE ONE WITH THE RIDICULOUS IMPLANTS UP NEXT.
Peggy: OH, YEAH.
OUTFIELD SHIFT! NO, NO.
SHIFT BACK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
A LITTLE MORE.
- SAFE! - WHAT?! ARE YOU BLIND? HE WAS OU BY TWO STEPS! HEY, MAN, GE-GET OU OF MY FACE, MAN YOU HAVEN'T MADE A RIGHT CALL SINCE THIS GAME STARTED THIS ISN'T ABOUT MY WIFE.
YOU'VE GO NO RIGHT.
HEY, I'LL KICK YOUR ASS! YOU'RE OUT OF HERE! PEGGY.
HELLO, HANK.
SO, UH, DID WE WIN? UH-HUH.
HOW COULD YOU GET ME THROWN OUT OF THE GAME? ME? WHAT DID I HAVE TO DO WITH IT? IT NEVER WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF YOU DIDN'T SHIFT THE FIELDERS BACK AFTER I MOVED THEM.
YOU EMBARRASSED ME AS YOUR HUSBAND I-I MEAN, COACH.
COACH, IF YOU HAD MOVED THEM TO THE RIGHT PLACE IN THE FIRST PLACE I TOLD YOU TO WALK THAT STRIPPER.
WHAT? THA WAS A WEEK AGO.
AND I ALWAYS GOT TO POSITION PLAYERS IN MY OTHER LEAGUE.
OH, SORRY, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THA BECAUSE YOU NEVER CAME TO WATCH ME.
WELL, YOU NEVER WATCHED ME SELL PROPANE! HANK, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ALWAYS BATTING LAST.
IT'S NOT FAIR TO ME.
YOU? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WON'T RUN FAS 'CAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID YOUR HAT WILL FALL OFF AND YOUR BALD SPOT WILL SHOW.
EHH EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A SUPERSTAR TODAY.
NOBODY WANTS TO BE A TEAM PLAYER.
YOU KNOW, WHEN THE COACH TOLD MICKEY MANTLE TO TAKE A PITCH AND HE WASN'T TOO HUNGOVER TO SEE THE SIGN HE TOOK THE PITCH, I TELL YOU WHAT.
NOW BATTING FOR THE ARMY WILLIAM FONTAINE DE LA TOUR DAUTRIVE! I WANT YOU TO THROW HIM SOME CHIN-MUSIC.
GET HIM OFF THE PLATE SO HE CAN'T PU HIS GUT INTO IT.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO POSITION AN OUTFIELD.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO FLIP A PANCAKE AND YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SMITH ABOUT PITCHING.
SO BACK OFF, COACH.
I'M NOT ASKING YOU AS YOUR COACH.
I'M ASKING YOU AS YOUR HUSBAND.
THEY'RE ALL LOOKING AT US.
WELL, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE I MEAN, I AM YOUR WELL, ON THE FIELD I AM ( whispering ): I LOVE YOU.
HO-YEAH! ( grunts ) ( Peggy gasps ) AAH! I'M ALL RIGHT.
I'M ALL RIGHT.
DUH OKAY, PEGGY, I GET THE MESSAGE! NOW PUT I OVER THE PLATE! HEH-HEH.
MADE YOUR POINT.
I AM TRYING, HANK.
I REALLY AM.
OH, PEGGY ( speaking gibberish ) PEGGY.
( screaming ) ( laughs ) THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU THAT GOOD COACHING CAN'T FIX.
BOBBY, COME ON IN HERE, SON.
OKAY.
( grunting softly ) ALL RIGHT, PLAY BALL.
HEY I I I CAN'T FIND THE PLATE ANYMORE.
WITHOUT MY PITCHING, WHAT AM I? I AM JUST ONE MORE FOUR-EYED BOGGLE CHAMPION.
OKAY, HERE'S YOUR PROBLEM: YOU NEED TO TUCK YOUR ELBOW IN MORE AND RELEASE EARLIER IN YOUR WINDMILL.
REALLY? ARE YOU SURE? I THINK I DON'T THINK.
THINKING LEADS TO OVERTHINKING.
JUST LISTEN TO YOUR COACH.
Kahn: OH, MY GOD! YOU KILLED MY MINH! HA HA HA! NOT REALLY! BUT YOU DO SUCK, PEGGY HILL.
( forlorn sigh ) ( grunting ) ( quietly ): OH, YEAH! ( grunts ) OH, YEAH! ( grunts ) OH, YEAH! WE'RE PLAYING THATHERTON'S TEAM TODAY, LUANNE.
BE CAREFUL.
HE'LL TRY EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK TO MESS WITH THE CATCHER INCLUDING THE USE OF OFF-COLOR LANGUAGE.
THATHERTON! LUANNE, WHILE THE RES OF ARLEN WAS SLEEPING I WAS OUT IN THE YARD THROWING STRIKES AND IT IS SAFE TO SAY, THE PITCH IS BACK! ( laughing ) OH, PEGGY.
YEAH.
HEH.
I'LL BET YOU WERE TUCKING THAT ELBOW IN, HUH? JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU.
Boomhauer: TELL YOU WHAT, MAN, OL' LET'S PLAY SOME DANG OL' BALL! HERE WE GO, PEGGY.
KEEP TUCKING THAT ELBOW IN.
( Hank sighs ) Boomhauer: DANG OL' DANG OL' DANG OL'.
TAKE YOUR BASE.
AUNT PEGGY, WATCH OUT! WHO'S READY TO TAKE THE COOKIE CHALLENGE? ON THE LEFT, BOBBY'S COOKIES-- FRESH AND BUTTERY.
ON THE RIGHT, ARROW GIRL COOKIES-- FOUL AND MUSTY.
BOBBY HILL, YOU HAVE MOCKED YOUR LAST ARROW GIRL COOKIE.
NO! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? CONNIE, HELP! SAVE THE COOKIES! NO.
WE'RE GETTING RID OF THE MUD COOKIES.
CONNIE, SMASH THEM! HEY THESE ARE GREAT.
THEY DON'T TASTE LIKE MUD.
THEY TASTE LIKE BUTTER.
( grunting ) DOUBLE THE BUTTER.
YOU LIED TO ME.
MY BOYFRIEND IS A COOKIE GENIUS.
YEAH! I AM A COOKIE BOYFRIEND? Announcer: Going! Going! Gone! ( chuckling ) HOW YOU FIXED FOR PROPANE, THATHERTON? Announcer: There's a double off the fence and Thatherton takes the lead! It's the bottom of the seventh and final inning.
Two outs.
Runners on first and second AND STRICKLAND UP ONLY BY A RUN.
HEY, HANK.
YOUR WIFE SEEMS TO HAVE LOST HER STUFF.
MAYBE IT'S THE PRESENCE OF A REAL MAN ON THE FIELD.
NO, IT IS NOT.
TUCK THA ELBOW, PEGGY.
SQUARE YOUR HIPS.
DRIVE OFF THE RUBBER CONCURREN WITH YOUR RELEASE PLANE.
CONCURRENT, I SAID! The bases are juiced! Next up, former Texas Ranger Kurt Bevacquaaaa TIME OUT THERE, UMP.
GOD DANG IT, HANK! THATHERTON'S GOT MORE PEOPLE ON THE BASES THAN HE DOES ON HIS PAYROLL! HE OW! SHOOT.
YOUR-YOUR GAL'S BROKE, HANK.
SHE'S BROKE.
FIND A WAY TO FIX HER.
YOU'RE HER HUSBAND.
HUSBAND? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH? HMM.
I GOT TO MAKE A CHANGE, PEGGY.
I'M SORRY.
I I THOUGH I HAD IT WORKED OUT.
DEBBIE, YOU'RE PLAYING FIRST BASE.
AND YOU YOU STRIKE THIS RINGER OUT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD? I'M MAKING THE BEST COACHING DECISION I EVER MADE.
I'M TAKING MYSELF OUT OF THE GAME SO I CAN WATCH YOUR MOM PITCH.
HEY, MAN, YOU, DANG OL' HOOK ME UP WITH SOME OF THEM RANGER TICKETS, MAN.
UM STRIKE ONE.
STRIKE TWO! COME ON, PEGGY! ONE MORE TIME! YOU CAN DO IT, MOM! TAKE HIM DOWN, ACE! OH, YEAH! ( humming a tune ) ( gasps ) DANG OLD WHOO-HOO! Announcer: Team Strickland wins! ALL RIGHT, YOU DID IT, PEGGY! OH, HANK, YOU ARE THE WORLD'S GREATEST COACH! OH-OH-OH! ( chuckling ): YEAH.
WHAT ABOUT THAT.
( laughing ): YOU GUYS OF COURSE, IF DALE HADN'T MADE THAT CATCH IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A HOME RUN.
OH, PLEASE.
WE BOTH KNOW THAT KURT BEVACQUA CORKS HIS BAT.
HE ALWAYS HAS, AND HE ALWAYS WILL.
PEGGY, HE WAS USING AN ALUMINUM BAT.
I DIDN'T SAY HE WAS SMART, HANK.
I SAID HE WAS A CHEATER.
Boomhauer: TELL YOU WHAT, MAN, OL' LET'S PLAY SOME DANG OL' BALL!
FYBEL.
SCATTERED, SMOTHERED AND COVERED.
HANK'LL HAVE THE SAME.
ACTUALLY, UH, I PREFER MY POTATOES DICED AND CHUNKED I ALREADY ORDERED FOR YOU.
NOW, LISTEN UP.
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE IS PUTTING TOGETHER A COED SOFTBALL LEAGUE.
I WANT YOU TO PLAY AND BE HEAD COACH.
HEAD COACH? LIKE-LIKE TOM LANDRY? UH, I'M GOING TO NEED A MOMENT HERE, SIR.
Man: WHAT YOU GOT, BUCK? VANILLA MILKSHAKE? DOCTOR WANT YOU TO PUT ON ANOTHER 40 POUNDS? GET OUT OF HERE, THATHERTON! OH, WHERE ARE MY MANNERS? ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE THE NEWEST DISPATCHER AT THATHERTON FUELS, MRS.
RITA BEVACQUA.
BEVACQUA HUH? IS THAT ANY RELATION TO FORMER TEXAS RANGERS THIRD BASEMAN, KURT BEVACQUA? KURT'S MY HUSBAND BY MARRIAGE.
Thatherton: CHAMBER OF COMMERCE RULE BOOK SAYS IMMEDIATE FAMILY IS ELIGIBLE TO PLAY.
HUSBAND FALLS UNDER THE CATEGORY OF "IMMEDIATE FAMILY" DON'T IT, BOYS? THATHERTON! I HOPE MY PICTURE ISN'T AT THE EDGE OF THE PAGE.
LAST YEAR, IT JUST SAID "CONNIE SOUP.
" YEAH, BUT I COULD STILL TELL IT WAS YOU EVEN WITHOU THE "HANOUSINPHONE.
" YOU'RE SO SWEET, BOBBY.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
YOU GUYS ARE A COUPLE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY PUT THA PICTURE IN THERE? YEAH.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? ( grunts ) HANK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? ( gasping ): DID BOBBY DO SOMETHING TO HIS EYE? NO.
NO.
NO.
STRICKLAND PROPANE IS GOING TO HAVE A SOFTBALL TEAM AND I WAS NAMED THE HEAD COACH.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, HANK.
MY GAME WENT WELL THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING.
HERE'S THE BEST PART-- IT'S A COED LEAGUE WITH A "WOMAN MUST PITCH" RULE SO YOU'LL BE PITCHING FOR TEAM STRICKLAND.
BUT I ALREADY PITCH FOR A TEAM, HANK-- THE LADY GIANTS.
BUT THIS IS A CHANCE TO PLAY IN A SERIOUS LEAGUE-- AGAINST MEN.
SEE HOW YOU DO AGAINST BATTERS WHO CAN REALLY PUT SOME ALUMINUM INTO THE BALL.
I AM IN A SERIOUS LEAGUE, HANK.
OF COURSE, YOU WOULDN' KNOW HOW SERIOUS BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER COME TO ONE OF MY GAMES.
PEGGY, YOU KNOW THAT TUESDAY IS MY NIGHT TO DRINK BEER IN THE ALLEY WITH THE GUYS.
IT HAS BEEN FOR YEARS! LET'S SEE-- I GOT ENRIQUE AT SHORTSTOP AND JOE JACK IN CENTER FIELD.
I'LL HAVE TO PU MR.
STRICKLAND AT CATCHER.
IT'S THE ONLY POSITION HIS CARDIOLOGIS WOULD CLEAR HIM TO PLAY.
AND HE, UH, HAS TO SIT ON A STOOL.
I WISH YOU COULD COACH MY ARMY SOFTBALL TEAM, HANK.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY GOOD LEADERS.
THAT'S CLASSIFIED.
THIS CHAMBER OF COMMIE-ERCE LEAGUE DISCRIMINATES AGAINS THE SELF-EMPLOYED.
I AM A ONE-MAN EXTERMINATION CORPORATION.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY? THOSE ARE THE RULES, DALE.
YOU GOT TO HAVE A STRICKLAND PAY STUB OR BE A STRICKLAND WIFE.
( sputtering ) I'VE SPRAYED STRICKLAND FOR TERMITES.
I HAVE A PAY STUB.
I'M ON THE TEAM! I'M ON THE TEAM! ( sighs ) GET YOUR ARROW GIRL COOKIES.
Bobby: HEY, CONNIE WANT TO SEE ME DO A? ( shrieks ) WHAT A DORK.
MY MOM SPENT TWO HOURS STACKING THOSE BOXES.
GOT MILK? 'CAUSE YOU GOT COOKIES.
AM I RIGHT? CONNIE, TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND TO GO AWAY.
HE'S HURTING BUSINESS.
JUST 'CAUSE WE'RE ON THE COUPLES PAGE DOESN'T MEAN HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.
I KNOW THAT.
UH I I JUST CAME TO BUY A BOX OF ARROW GIRL COOKIES.
UGH! THESE COOKIES STINK.
THEY'RE WAXY AND STALE.
BOBBY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO.
OKAY? ALL RIGHT, DEBBIE, FIRE ONE IN THERE.
LET'S SEE WHAT JOE JACK'S GOT.
GET OUT OF HERE, BABY.
I GOT IT! I GOT IT! Hank: ALL RIGHT, SOMEBODY PICK UP THE DANG BALL.
BACK IT UP, FELLAS.
I'M GOING DEEP.
HA-HA! I GOT IT, HANK! GIVE ME A BOOST OFF THIS DANG STOOL, WOULD YOU? AW, SHOOT! I'M GOING TO GE THAT SON OF A BITCH! MR.
STRICKLAND, SIR, THROW THE DANG BALL! YAH! I GOT HIM! I-I GOT HIM! OH, I ( gasps ) I'M HAVING AN INFARCTION! OH, MY GOD, MR.
STRICKLAND! SAFE! Hank: YOU KNOW, MY OFFER'S STILL OPEN.
WE COULD REALLY USE A GOOD PITCHER I TELL YOU WHAT.
MM BECAUSE IF YOU CAN PITCH AS GOOD AS YOU MAKE COOKIES MY ANSWER IS STILL NO.
AND BOBBY BAKED THEM.
- WHAT? - I USED DOUBLE THE BUTTER.
AREN'T THEY GREAT? BETTER THAN THE ARROW GIRLS.
OH, GOD, YOU DIDN'T JOIN THE ARROW GIRLS, DID YOU? NO, AND I NEVER WILL.
BUT I WILL SELL MORE COOKIES THAN TROOP NUMBER 159 CONNIE SOUPHANOUSINPHONE, SECRETARY-TREASURER.
JUST DON'T WEAR THE APRON OUT OF THE HOUSE, PLEASE? OKAY, HANK, I DROVE YOU HERE AND I HELPED YOU CARRY THE BATS.
THEY SEEMED LIGHT ENOUGH FOR ONE PERSON BUT WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.
YEAH, WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE MAYBE YOU COULD GIVE DEBBIE SOME POINTERS ON PITCHING.
HERE, I BROUGH YOUR MITT.
GOOD-BYE, HONEY.
Thatherton: NOW I KNOW WHA STINKS SO BAD-- STRICKLAND'S PITCHING.
OH, WHAT CAN HE DO? THE LEAGUE REQUIRES A WOMAN PITCHER.
AND LIKE I TELL MY GYM CLASS GIRLS CAN'T PLAY SPORTS.
AT LEAS I FOUND ONE THAT CAN GET I OVER THE PLATE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I'M HAVING SEX WITH HER.
( both laugh ) SHE'S NO GOOD AT SPORTS, RIGHT? OOH, THATHERTON! HOO-YEAH! ( groans ) I AM SAVING MY GOOD STUFF FOR OUR FIRST GAME.
( flugelhorn playing "Star-Spangled Banner" ) ( "Star-Spangled Banner" segues into "Feels So Good") ( "Feels So Good" segues back to "Star-Spangled Banner" ) ( chuckles ) OW! ONE UP, ONE DOWN.
A STRIKEOUT FOR Peggy Hill.
YEAH! OH! YAY! - SIT DOWN NOW.
- YEAH, PEGGY! Fifteenth strikeout for Peggy Hill! And your winner is the Strickland Bobtails! ( chuckles ) ALL RIGHT.
WHOO! ( laughs ) NO, NO! OH UH, YOU KNOW, THIS TEAM DIDN'T COACH ITSELF.
HE'S RIGHT.
NICE JOB, HANK.
OH, MAN, DID YOU SEE THAT SECOND BUN I LAID DOWN? THEY THREW YOU OU ABOUT 20 FEET, YOU SWEET GAZELLE.
( whistles ) ALL RIGHT, QUIET DOWN, TEAM.
OKAY, I'D LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS AS COACH.
THAT WAS A GOOD TEAM EFFOR OUT THERE, EVERYBODY.
JOE JACK, YOU GO YOURSELF A COUPLE R.
B.
I.
s.
NICE GOING.
ENRIQUE, DYNAMITE JOB OF CATCHING.
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMEONE, COACH? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIASED BUT I DID COACH ONE HECK OF A GAME, I TELL YOU WHAT.
( chuckles ) SO THANK YOU AND ENJOY YOUR PIZZA.
AND NOT ONE OF MY BEAUTY SCHOOL CREDITS HAS TRANSFERRED TO JUNIOR COLLEGE.
IT TURNS OUT YOU HAVE TO GET AT LEAST A "C.
" NEVER HURTS TO QUIT.
I'M HUNGRY.
WHERE'S DAD? PROBABLY BUSY PATTING HIMSELF ON THE BACK FOR GIVING BIRTH TO YOU.
MORNING.
OOP, TIME TO FLIP THEM.
UH-UH, THEY'RE NOT READY YET.
THEY'RE BROWN AROUND THE EDGES, PEGGY.
DON'T BURN THEM.
HANK, I HAVE BEEN FLAPPING JACKS FOR 32 YEARS.
WELL, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO LEARN HOW TO DO IT RIGHT.
HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SHOW ME! PLEASE, BE CAREFUL WITH THE PANCAKES! DON'T BUY INFERIOR ARROW GIRL COOKIES.
WHAT ARE THEY OFFERING? OATMEAL THAT'S FOR BREAKFAST.
MINTS? WHAT ARE YOU, 60? AND DOG POOP? WHAT KIND OF FLAVOR IS THAT FOR A COOKIE? OOP, MY MISTAKE.
THAT'S THEIR PEANUT BUTTER.
HELLO, LADIES.
BOBBY, WHA ARE YOU DOING? I'M TRYING TO RESTORE THE GOOD NAME OF COOKIES.
HERE, TASTE.
EW! THIS TASTES LIKE MUD.
WHAT? THAT'S A LIE! YOU TAKE THAT BACK! TASTE IT, CONNIE.
DON'T DO IT.
DON'T LET HIM MAKE YOU EAT MUD.
THIS ISN'T FUNNY, BOBBY.
CONNIE, WAIT! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BOBBY'S COOKIES! LOOK AT ME.
I'M EATING THEM.
THEY'VE GOT YOUR HEAD ALL TURNED AROUND! MM MM.
SORRY I'M LATE.
THAT'S WHAT I GE FOR PICKING THE MOST POPULAR GYNECOLOGIST IN ARLEN.
WELL, TRY NOT TO LET I HAPPEN AGAIN.
I CAN'T LET THE PLAYERS THINK I'M GIVING YOU SPECIAL TREATMEN 'CAUSE YOU'RE, YOU KNOW, MY WIFE.
THE BEST.
GOOD AFTERNOON, LUANNE.
HEY, UNCLE HANK.
RUN ALONG NOW.
HANK, LUANNE HAS BEEN MY CATCHER FOR THE LAST TWO SEASONS.
I NEED HER BEHIND THE PLATE.
ENRIQUE IS A NICE MAN BUT HE HAS GO A PORCELAIN HAND.
I'M AFRAID TO THROW FULL-SPEED.
LOOK, THE ROSTER'S ALREADY SE AND WE ALREADY HAVE THREE WOMEN ON THE TEAM.
DID I HEAR YOU RIGHT? YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO REPLACE OUR CATCHER ENRIQUE WITH THIS LITTLE FILLY? LUANNE HAS A LOT OF EXPERIENCE CATCHING ME BUT I TOLD HER, SIR, THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY ROOM ENRIQUE, YOU'RE FIRED! PERO YO TENGO TRES NIÃOS HAH! JUST KIDDING! HANK, STICK HIM SOMEWHERE.
STRIKE THREE! PUT UP ANOTHER "K" FOR PEGGY HILL! Hank: PEGGY! PEGGY! THROW IT HERE! WHAT? STRIKE THREE! OKAY, LET'S WALK THIS NEXT BATTER.
SET UP THE DOUBLE PLAY.
OH, HANK, I CAN STRIKE OU THIS LAP DANCER IN MY SLEEP.
NO.
IT'S NO GOOD STRATEGY.
WALK THIS GAL.
PITCH TO THE ONE WITH THE RIDICULOUS IMPLANTS UP NEXT.
Peggy: OH, YEAH.
OUTFIELD SHIFT! NO, NO.
SHIFT BACK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
A LITTLE MORE.
- SAFE! - WHAT?! ARE YOU BLIND? HE WAS OU BY TWO STEPS! HEY, MAN, GE-GET OU OF MY FACE, MAN YOU HAVEN'T MADE A RIGHT CALL SINCE THIS GAME STARTED THIS ISN'T ABOUT MY WIFE.
YOU'VE GO NO RIGHT.
HEY, I'LL KICK YOUR ASS! YOU'RE OUT OF HERE! PEGGY.
HELLO, HANK.
SO, UH, DID WE WIN? UH-HUH.
HOW COULD YOU GET ME THROWN OUT OF THE GAME? ME? WHAT DID I HAVE TO DO WITH IT? IT NEVER WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF YOU DIDN'T SHIFT THE FIELDERS BACK AFTER I MOVED THEM.
YOU EMBARRASSED ME AS YOUR HUSBAND I-I MEAN, COACH.
COACH, IF YOU HAD MOVED THEM TO THE RIGHT PLACE IN THE FIRST PLACE I TOLD YOU TO WALK THAT STRIPPER.
WHAT? THA WAS A WEEK AGO.
AND I ALWAYS GOT TO POSITION PLAYERS IN MY OTHER LEAGUE.
OH, SORRY, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THA BECAUSE YOU NEVER CAME TO WATCH ME.
WELL, YOU NEVER WATCHED ME SELL PROPANE! HANK, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ALWAYS BATTING LAST.
IT'S NOT FAIR TO ME.
YOU? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WON'T RUN FAS 'CAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID YOUR HAT WILL FALL OFF AND YOUR BALD SPOT WILL SHOW.
EHH EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A SUPERSTAR TODAY.
NOBODY WANTS TO BE A TEAM PLAYER.
YOU KNOW, WHEN THE COACH TOLD MICKEY MANTLE TO TAKE A PITCH AND HE WASN'T TOO HUNGOVER TO SEE THE SIGN HE TOOK THE PITCH, I TELL YOU WHAT.
NOW BATTING FOR THE ARMY WILLIAM FONTAINE DE LA TOUR DAUTRIVE! I WANT YOU TO THROW HIM SOME CHIN-MUSIC.
GET HIM OFF THE PLATE SO HE CAN'T PU HIS GUT INTO IT.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO POSITION AN OUTFIELD.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO FLIP A PANCAKE AND YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SMITH ABOUT PITCHING.
SO BACK OFF, COACH.
I'M NOT ASKING YOU AS YOUR COACH.
I'M ASKING YOU AS YOUR HUSBAND.
THEY'RE ALL LOOKING AT US.
WELL, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE I MEAN, I AM YOUR WELL, ON THE FIELD I AM ( whispering ): I LOVE YOU.
HO-YEAH! ( grunts ) ( Peggy gasps ) AAH! I'M ALL RIGHT.
I'M ALL RIGHT.
DUH OKAY, PEGGY, I GET THE MESSAGE! NOW PUT I OVER THE PLATE! HEH-HEH.
MADE YOUR POINT.
I AM TRYING, HANK.
I REALLY AM.
OH, PEGGY ( speaking gibberish ) PEGGY.
( screaming ) ( laughs ) THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU THAT GOOD COACHING CAN'T FIX.
BOBBY, COME ON IN HERE, SON.
OKAY.
( grunting softly ) ALL RIGHT, PLAY BALL.
HEY I I I CAN'T FIND THE PLATE ANYMORE.
WITHOUT MY PITCHING, WHAT AM I? I AM JUST ONE MORE FOUR-EYED BOGGLE CHAMPION.
OKAY, HERE'S YOUR PROBLEM: YOU NEED TO TUCK YOUR ELBOW IN MORE AND RELEASE EARLIER IN YOUR WINDMILL.
REALLY? ARE YOU SURE? I THINK I DON'T THINK.
THINKING LEADS TO OVERTHINKING.
JUST LISTEN TO YOUR COACH.
Kahn: OH, MY GOD! YOU KILLED MY MINH! HA HA HA! NOT REALLY! BUT YOU DO SUCK, PEGGY HILL.
( forlorn sigh ) ( grunting ) ( quietly ): OH, YEAH! ( grunts ) OH, YEAH! ( grunts ) OH, YEAH! WE'RE PLAYING THATHERTON'S TEAM TODAY, LUANNE.
BE CAREFUL.
HE'LL TRY EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK TO MESS WITH THE CATCHER INCLUDING THE USE OF OFF-COLOR LANGUAGE.
THATHERTON! LUANNE, WHILE THE RES OF ARLEN WAS SLEEPING I WAS OUT IN THE YARD THROWING STRIKES AND IT IS SAFE TO SAY, THE PITCH IS BACK! ( laughing ) OH, PEGGY.
YEAH.
HEH.
I'LL BET YOU WERE TUCKING THAT ELBOW IN, HUH? JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU.
Boomhauer: TELL YOU WHAT, MAN, OL' LET'S PLAY SOME DANG OL' BALL! HERE WE GO, PEGGY.
KEEP TUCKING THAT ELBOW IN.
( Hank sighs ) Boomhauer: DANG OL' DANG OL' DANG OL'.
TAKE YOUR BASE.
AUNT PEGGY, WATCH OUT! WHO'S READY TO TAKE THE COOKIE CHALLENGE? ON THE LEFT, BOBBY'S COOKIES-- FRESH AND BUTTERY.
ON THE RIGHT, ARROW GIRL COOKIES-- FOUL AND MUSTY.
BOBBY HILL, YOU HAVE MOCKED YOUR LAST ARROW GIRL COOKIE.
NO! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? CONNIE, HELP! SAVE THE COOKIES! NO.
WE'RE GETTING RID OF THE MUD COOKIES.
CONNIE, SMASH THEM! HEY THESE ARE GREAT.
THEY DON'T TASTE LIKE MUD.
THEY TASTE LIKE BUTTER.
( grunting ) DOUBLE THE BUTTER.
YOU LIED TO ME.
MY BOYFRIEND IS A COOKIE GENIUS.
YEAH! I AM A COOKIE BOYFRIEND? Announcer: Going! Going! Gone! ( chuckling ) HOW YOU FIXED FOR PROPANE, THATHERTON? Announcer: There's a double off the fence and Thatherton takes the lead! It's the bottom of the seventh and final inning.
Two outs.
Runners on first and second AND STRICKLAND UP ONLY BY A RUN.
HEY, HANK.
YOUR WIFE SEEMS TO HAVE LOST HER STUFF.
MAYBE IT'S THE PRESENCE OF A REAL MAN ON THE FIELD.
NO, IT IS NOT.
TUCK THA ELBOW, PEGGY.
SQUARE YOUR HIPS.
DRIVE OFF THE RUBBER CONCURREN WITH YOUR RELEASE PLANE.
CONCURRENT, I SAID! The bases are juiced! Next up, former Texas Ranger Kurt Bevacquaaaa TIME OUT THERE, UMP.
GOD DANG IT, HANK! THATHERTON'S GOT MORE PEOPLE ON THE BASES THAN HE DOES ON HIS PAYROLL! HE OW! SHOOT.
YOUR-YOUR GAL'S BROKE, HANK.
SHE'S BROKE.
FIND A WAY TO FIX HER.
YOU'RE HER HUSBAND.
HUSBAND? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH? HMM.
I GOT TO MAKE A CHANGE, PEGGY.
I'M SORRY.
I I THOUGH I HAD IT WORKED OUT.
DEBBIE, YOU'RE PLAYING FIRST BASE.
AND YOU YOU STRIKE THIS RINGER OUT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD? I'M MAKING THE BEST COACHING DECISION I EVER MADE.
I'M TAKING MYSELF OUT OF THE GAME SO I CAN WATCH YOUR MOM PITCH.
HEY, MAN, YOU, DANG OL' HOOK ME UP WITH SOME OF THEM RANGER TICKETS, MAN.
UM STRIKE ONE.
STRIKE TWO! COME ON, PEGGY! ONE MORE TIME! YOU CAN DO IT, MOM! TAKE HIM DOWN, ACE! OH, YEAH! ( humming a tune ) ( gasps ) DANG OLD WHOO-HOO! Announcer: Team Strickland wins! ALL RIGHT, YOU DID IT, PEGGY! OH, HANK, YOU ARE THE WORLD'S GREATEST COACH! OH-OH-OH! ( chuckling ): YEAH.
WHAT ABOUT THAT.
( laughing ): YOU GUYS OF COURSE, IF DALE HADN'T MADE THAT CATCH IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A HOME RUN.
OH, PLEASE.
WE BOTH KNOW THAT KURT BEVACQUA CORKS HIS BAT.
HE ALWAYS HAS, AND HE ALWAYS WILL.
PEGGY, HE WAS USING AN ALUMINUM BAT.
I DIDN'T SAY HE WAS SMART, HANK.
I SAID HE WAS A CHEATER.
Boomhauer: TELL YOU WHAT, MAN, OL' LET'S PLAY SOME DANG OL' BALL!