The King of Queens s03e24 Episode Script
Pregnant Pause
(Arthur) I'm in here.
Dad, it's the middle of the night.
What are you doin' up? I didn't realize I had a curfew.
I-I'm sorry.
I just, uh, I need to get something.
Tell me what it is, and I'll slide it under the door.
Yeah.
Won't work.
Um, are you gonna be long? [New age music playing.]
Could be a few minutes! My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Gimme somethin' to punch.
What? What's wrong? Gimme somethin' to punch now! Not a friend.
All right, don't beat up our groceries.
Just tell me what's wrong.
Your father's what's wrong.
I'm tryin' to get ready for work, I can't even get in the bathroom.
He spends the whole day in there, like he's at six flags.
Doug, he's old.
His machinery just takes a little longer to rev up, that's all.
That's not all.
He's in there messin' around with a stupid foot massager for half an hour.
For your information, it was a waterpik.
Forgive me for not being a bigger fan of gum disease.
Fine, it was a waterpik.
My mistake.
Oh, and by the way, one time, try not aiming it at the mirror.
It might work out for you.
Give her a shot.
Well, I'd probably do better if someone wasn't banging on the door, spewing hateful invectives at me.
(Carrie) All right, dad.
Stop taunting Doug with words he doesn't know.
Now, both of you count to 10, let me get out the door, and you can start your slap fight.
Sure, you can run out the door, but you can't run away from your responsibility in this matter.
Me? What did I do? When you insisted I come live here with you, you specifically promised me a furnished room with private bath.
I never said that.
You said it with your eyes.
Doug, can we just build a bathroom downstairs for him? What? No! Why not? It's not like he doesn't need it.
He doesn't need it.
One bathroom is fine for this house if he didn't nap in there.
I don't plan them.
So who's gonna pay for this, Carrie? Well, we can dip into our savings.
I betcha we do the whole thing for less than $1,000.
Oh, just a thou? Oh, well, in that case-- no.
Oh, I'm sorry, Douglas.
Were you saving that money for yet another What I save my money for, is none of your business.
Fine, but bear in mind, my bladder has me up and that laundry sink down there is starting to look awfully good to me.
And checkmate! Dad wins! Goodbye and goodbye.
[Knocking on door.]
(Deacon) Yeah, come on in.
Hey, come on, man.
Let's get goin', huh? What's up with you? I had a crappy morning.
I gotta shell out $1,000 to build a bathroom for Arthur.
You believe that? You never built him a bathroom? That's cold.
Anyway, it kills me the way he manipulates Carrie.
He knows what he's doin'.
"Oh, I'm old.
I have different smells.
" Well, he is pretty old.
I'm so not into you today.
Listen, don't take it out on me, man.
I'm not havin' such a great day myself.
Yeah? What's up? I went out to marriage counseling with Kelly last night, and--and it went pretty well.
So we decided to go out to dinner after, you know, to keep talking, right? So? So, so he gets all bent out of shape just because-- he has a name, thank you.
And perhaps Doug would like to hear both sides of the story, hmm? Not that much, no.
Just let it go, all right? Oh, me? I should let it go? Um, was I the one that said, "I'll be home at 8:00.
Order a pizza.
" Was that me? I'm tryin' to reconcile with my wife, man.
Fine.
This is a telephone, and it was invented so that people could call other people, and tell them not to order a pizza they have no intention of eating.
It's a pizza.
Just get my half out of the fridge, I'll pay you for it.
Forget it.
No, come on, here.
I wanna end this.
Take this, and give me the rest of the pizza.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
I ate it, all right? In a fit of self-loathing, I wolfed down an entire large pizza by myself, and you just made me admit it in front of Doug! Thank you! [Door slamming.]
You all set? Yeah.
And after I finish with the framing, I put up half-inch greenboard.
That's very good.
Half-inch greenboard, huh? Is that the cheapest you have? Well, no.
There is quarter-inch.
You want that? You know what? That'll be fine.
Quarter-inch? That's not very thick.
So? What if you get mad at me, and try to punch your way in? I wanna feel secure in there.
Quarter-inch.
I want half-inch.
You don't need half-inch.
I do need half-inch.
H-h-how about three-eights? Can I have four-eights? Three-eights will be fine.
If you're looking to save some money elsewhere, I can get for you a deal on the toilet.
Whoa! Whoa, there, trotsky.
I already picked out what I want in that department.
King of prussia in pacific blue or sandstone.
Arthur, this toilet is $600! It's ergonomically correct.
I'm not paying $600 for a toilet! Fine! Why don't we just dig a hole in the ground, line it with newspapers? Or is a nickel still too much? Carrie! You got to go down and talk to your father right now.
I'll talk to him later.
No, later's too late.
I gotta get to work, and he's outta control on this bathroom thing.
It took me 20 minutes to explain to him why he can't have a view.
I'll deal with it later.
I don't feel well.
What's the matter? I don't know.
My--my stomach's weird.
You think it's that crab taco you had at the drive-thru? You had that.
You had a bite.
No.
You wouldn't give me one.
They're not that big.
Whatever! It's not from that! I gotta go.
I am so late.
Just talk to your dad when you can, ok? And take some pepto-bismol.
It's not that kind of thing.
Then what is it? I don't know! Ok! Goodbye! [Sighing.]
What the hell is it? Oh, wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
I forgot to put my thingy in.
I'll be right back, ok? All right.
I'll get started.
You work your way in, like double-Dutch.
(Arthur) I'm in here! [Knocking on door.]
(Arthur) Carrie! Uh, yeah, dad? If you've got a moment, I'd like your thoughts on some wallpaper samples.
Uh, I'll be out in a minute.
The contractor likes the striped pattern, but I'm leaning toward the seagulls.
They're a marvelous bird, don't you think? Uh, dad, I just-- I just need a minute.
Righto.
I'll wait downstairs with the contractor.
Oh, boy.
[Whistling.]
So, where are you from exactly? I was born in Kiev.
Ah, yes! Kiev.
Jewel of the Ukraine.
You have been there? No.
But I hear good things.
Oh, darling, good.
Here's a 3rd wallpaper choice I'm also considering.
Lively cartoons of various people in the John.
What do you think? Uh, it's--it's fine.
I'm sensing some hesitation.
Too Randy? Think it might cause a stir? I-I'm sorry, dad, I really can't focus on that right now.
Alex, I think we might have to put a pin in this till next time.
Ok.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Hmm! Look at this drunken fella.
[Door closing.]
Doesn't even realize the lid's down.
Marvelous! I'm--I'm pregnant.
Hmm? I'm sorry, dear.
What? I'm I'm, I'm pregnant, dad.
Well, that's terrific! No.
No, it's not terrific.
We weren't-- we weren't trying for this now, dad.
We just-- we just got careless.
So what, darling? Nature works in its own wonderful way.
This has nothing to do with nature.
I couldn't get in the bathroom and get what I needed, because you were locked in there listening to enya! Well, I offered to slip your doohickey under the door.
Yeah, well, I didn't want you to touch my doohickey.
Ok? But that's not the point.
The point is we're not prepared for this, dad.
We barely have enough money in the bank to--to build you your bathroom.
A kid is like 10 bathrooms! And that's if we don't let it go to college! [Exclaims.]
Darling, many years ago, I anticipated that this day would come, so I put together a plan that would help you kids out with your financial needs.
You did? Yes.
Looking back, I wish I had followed through on that plan.
But in my defense, the dog races are terribly fixed.
Dad, you know what? It's not your responsibility.
Doug and I made a dumb mistake, and now Well, I don't even know what now.
I'll tell you one thing.
You got to talk to Douglas right away.
I can't.
I have to go to work.
Work, schmerk! This is your life! You need to hold each other.
Dad, my boss has a huge deposition today which starts in less than an hour.
I got to go.
I will tell him when I get home from work tonight, and don't you tell him if he gets home first, ok? Fine, whatever.
Dad, this is a personal matter, ok? I need you to look me in the eye and swear on mom's grave, that you won't tell him.
Pick a different grave.
How about aunt lottie? Dad! Fine.
I won't tell him.
Thank you.
I love you.
Love you, too, sweetheart.
Ok, kids, last time I checked, packages don't deliver themselves.
Chop, chop.
All right, I'm outta here.
Where do you want to meet for lunch? Anywhere as long as it's a castle and it's white.
See you then.
[Door closes.]
Hello, Douglas! Arthur, what are you doing here? Ah, nothing special.
I may be sending a package soon, and I wanted your outfit to get first crack at the business.
So far, I like what I see.
Ok, once again, what are you doin' here? Is this about your stupid bathroom? Not at all.
But, hey, since fate has thrown us together, what say we pop into the city and see Carrie? Come on.
Road trip! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is Carrie ok? She's fine, she's fine.
But I do think you should speak to her immediately.
There's a bit of a situation.
Well, what is it? I am forbidden to tell.
Would you just tell me? I'm forbidden! Heffernan.
That thing I said before, that was just chummy boss talk, but the fact is packages really don't deliver themselves.
I'm sorry, Mr.
O'Boyle.
It's just that I have a little family crisis.
More of a situation actually.
A situation, right.
What is it? I don't know.
He won't tell me.
I've been forbidden.
Who are you? A concerned citizen.
He's my father-in-law.
Is it ok if I go into the city and talk to my wife? What? Oh, come on, heffernan.
I mean, I got wife problems as well.
You don't see me runnin' outta here just 'cause she took the kids back to India.
Sir, the man has a legitimate situation to deal with at once.
Well, what the hell is it? Come here.
[Whispering.]
Really? Well, that's terrific.
(Arthur) Wait.
There's more.
Ohh! That's a shame.
All right, heffernan, you can go.
Come on! What is it? I'm forbidden! (Berenson) Now, Mr.
mazzeo, in your testimony before the securities and exchange commission, you specifically mentioned that you had no knowledge of the pending merger.
And you signed an affidavit to that effect as well.
Could I see that, please, Carrie? Carrie? Hmm? I'm sorry.
What? Could I please see Mr.
mazzeo's affidavit, please? Oh.
Sure, you can.
Ok.
[Muttering.]
There you go.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, Mr.
mazzeo, if I can refer you to page 51, specifically paragraph 5 Oh, God, would you look at this gas bill? Can we put this on a credit card? We could if it hadn't been scissored in half at McDonalds.
What about all these frequent flyer Miles? Can we use them for anything? Yeah, that's a minus sign.
We owe them Miles.
[Crashing.]
Could you deal with that, please? Your turn! [Wailing.]
(Carrie) Doug junior Oh! Oh, ok Oh, that's not good.
Sweetie, no, no-- [screaming.]
There we go.
There we go.
There we go.
Ooh! No, no, that's mama's.
Mama's.
No, mama's sad, mama's sad.
[Babbling.]
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Dougie, sweetie, sweetie, be careful-- you gotta be careful-- play nice.
No, no, no.
Wait.
No, no.
I need that.
Neat, please.
Mama.
Yeah, ok, baby.
[Groaning.]
Oh, ok.
All right.
It's ok, it's ok.
[Continues groaning.]
Doug junior, it's time to go home.
Come on, sweetie.
We have to leave now.
Hey, Dougie, you want some ice cream? Yeah! Yes, come on.
Come on, baby.
Come on.
Yes, yes, come on.
Come on, baby.
Yeah! (Carrie) Yes-- oops! Honey, it's ok.
Honey, it's ok.
Ice cream.
Ice cream! Yeah! Yeah! Come get it, baby.
Honey, slow-- you gotta slow down, baby.
Baby, you gotta slow down.
Yeah.
Slow, slow, slow.
Ooh! (Berenson) Carrie! Hmm? Oh! Can I see the transcript, please? Oh, sure.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Now, Mr.
mazzeo, on the 14th of August, you Uh, excuse me one moment, please.
What's going on? Hi, I'm, uh, Carrie's husband.
Any chance I could speak to her for a moment? We're in the middle of a deposition.
Can it wait? I'm pretty sure it can't, but I'm not positive.
I don't understand.
It's a very sensitive matter he's not privy to at the moment.
You see Come here.
Will you stop telling people! Look, tell me! I'm forbidden.
Doug? Dad? Here's your husband.
Now talk to him.
I'll be waiting in there.
What the hell is going on? He won't tell me anything.
Dad, why did you bring him down here? I am working.
This is more important.
Now tell him! Doug, I--I--I really can't talk right now.
The thing is, um, I'm pregnant.
And I'm terrified we're gonna be broke, and I love you, and we'll talk at home.
So, in the mood for a knish? They asleep? Finally.
Kirby put up a helluva fight, though.
Had to read him everyone poops 4 times.
God, he's obsessed with that book.
I think I know it by heart now.
It's a good book, though.
I actually never realized that everyone poops.
Yeah, well, the title does give it away.
Uh, anyway, I guess I should, uh, head on back to Spence's.
Sure.
Ok.
So, I'll, uh, I'll, uh, see you at counseling on Thursday, right? Right.
Right.
All right.
Deacon Yeah? Look, I have half a lasagna from yesterday.
I could heat it up if you haven't already eaten.
[Ringing.]
Hello? Hey, man, it's me.
Oh, hey.
Where are you? I'm at home and I'm just gonna hang out here for dinner, ok? No problemo.
Probably be home about 10:00.
I'll see you then.
And, hey, thanks for the phone call.
Not so hard, was it? You're right, you're right.
My bad.
Listen, have a good dinner.
I'll catch you later, buddy boy.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.
I am so not ready.
All right, come on, will you just calm down.
Doug, this is not a situation that calls for calming down, ok? As a matter of fact, why don't you calm up? Ok, there's no such thing.
You can only calm in one direction.
Well, then maybe they should change that.
Why are you so upset? We wanted to have a baby eventually, right? Yes, eventually, Doug.
Not today.
It's like being offered a job on Monday, but you have to start it on Tuesday.
"Congratulations, you're our new pregnant person! See you at 9 a.
m.
!" And I can't even tell them that I don't want the job because I've already been fired from my old job as a not-pregnant person.
I'm not even allowed near the building! Ok, will you stop straightening up for a second? I can't! We're having a baby! Yeah, well, he's not dropping by tonight.
[Sighing.]
Now, listen to me.
What? Everything is gonna be fine.
But you have to stop worrying.
How can I stop worrying, Doug? We're--we're broke, we're unprepared, and I drop things.
You know your-- you know your jets mug? That wasn't my dad.
That was me.
Will you just listen to me? From this moment until the moment Bruce is born-- Bruce? For Springsteen, you know? No.
But go on.
Until the moment he is born, all the burden is on me.
Ok, I'm gonna work overtime, I'll get a job at night, we'll sock away a lot of money.
And if anything comes up, I'll take care of it.
Anything.
Well, what do I do? You just think happy thoughts and--and grow a baby.
That's your only job.
Not counting your regular job.
We need that.
I'll try.
But I'm gonna freak out, Doug, sometimes.
I can't help that.
So then you freak out.
But then you call me, ok? 'Cause I'm always wearing my phone, huh? Oh.
Other side.
It's on the other side.
[Sighing.]
Look, it'll ring.
I'll find it.
Trust me.
[Sighing.]
Are we on the same page? I just feel bad giving you the whole burden.
Don't feel bad.
Burden me up! [Growling.]
All right? Fine.
Well? Give it to me.
What? You want me to, like, mime giving it to you? I think it would be a nice symbolic gesture, yes.
All right.
That's it? Yes.
You're lying.
I know there's more! Stop! I know there's more.
Come on, you're holding! Aha! Ohh! Oh, that is pure burden.
You're an idiot.
I love you.
So, should I conclude that the storm has passed? Yes, dad.
And break.
Oh, man, that is so great.
Ok, I owe you.
All right, bye.
Yeah! What? Well, your old hubby just got a night job doing what he does best.
I know what you're thinkin': Underwear model.
Actually, what I do second best: Driving.
Oh, the limo thing came through? Yay! Yep, 5 nights a week, I'm going to be playing motor host to New York's glamorous social elite.
And probably some drunk prom kids.
Honey, that's so much.
Money! Cash! You know what I'm talking about? Co-co-cold cash.
All right.
I'm telling you, car, our kid's gonna have the best of everything: Best food, best babysitters, solid-gold pacifier.
I'm not sure if it's good for a kid to suck on gold.
Fine.
Lead, whatever.
The point is we're gonna have the money to do what we want.
Well, let me at least help out.
How about I do some overtime work? No, no, no overtime work.
That counts as burden.
You work 40 hours a week Max.
And even then, I want a lot of slacking off.
You know, they put solitaire on the computer for a reason.
All right, well, maybe I'll go online, you know, read up baby-type stuff.
See, there you go.
Now we're vibing, huh? It's gonna be ok, my little [Speaking gibberish.]
My little yummy, yummy, yummy, my-- all right, all right.
If that continues, I will beat you with the blender.
Whoa! There are the hormones.
Ok, killer.
Sorry about that, kids.
Just trying to shut off the right circuit breaker.
I don't know that these old bones can handle a 3rd electrocution.
He's near our wires.
Why is he near our wires? Uh, dad, what are you doing? Pitching in.
What with the baby coming, I realize the contractor's too expensive to keep on, but we still own the materials, so I figured why not just finish up the job myself? Um, maybe because you know absolutely nothing about construction? Is that so? Well, for your information, darling, I spent several months working as a rivet boy on the empire state building.
In addition to doling out hot rivets, I would also delight and amuse the workers by dancing a lively jig during break time.
You know what? There's no rivets or dancing involved here, so give it up, ok? Don't worry, Douglas, I'm not on my own here.
I have a step-by-step book that will guide me through the process.
Ok, this is how to build an outdoor barbecue pit.
Granted, there'll be some extrapolating.
Dad, please be rational here.
You can't do this.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't! For God's sakes, you get reduced to tears when you try to make popcorn! Now come on, just forget about this now.
I'm sorry, darling.
I know you're right.
It's just so hard to accept.
I was so close to having my own bathroom, I could taste it.
You know what, Arthur? I'll, uh I'll finish it up for you, ok? Don't be silly, Douglas.
You got way too much on your plate already.
Believe me, I want to.
In fact, I'll pick up the toilet on my way home, ok? God bless you.
[Door opening.]
What up, little man? Not much.
Listen, I'm gonna grab a shower, but, um, if one of your famous grilled cheese sandwiches met me with a towel, I wouldn't hate it, you know what I'm saying? What's the matter? We need to talk.
Come.
Sit.
Ok.
Uh, what's up? I, uh Oh, this is hard.
Come on.
What is it? Ok, I--I just don't think this--this is working out for me.
What isn't? This, this.
This thing that we're doing.
Bro, I'm just crashing on your couch until Kelly lets me back.
Exactly.
A-and in the meantime, I'm nothing more than your servant.
I'm your doormat, your m-Mr.
belvedere.
Is this about the other night? I--I called to tell you I wasn't coming home.
I--I know, and thank you, but I just I feel like I've got to get off this emotional roller coaster.
You want me to move out? I think it would be best if you got all of your stuff out tomorrow, and--and I'll make sure to be out the whole day.
I only have one suitcase, and I never even unpacked it.
I don't think you have to be out at all.
Well, I have to be out anyway because of work.
Well, all right.
Why don't I just [quavering.]
Get started on that grilled cheese sandwich? Can I help you? Uh, yeah, I guess.
I mean, I am pregnant, so Pregnant? Oh, how wonderful! What a delightful, wonderful miracle that is.
Well, you seem awfully excited for someone who deals with pregnant women for a living uh, I'm sorry.
I just get so excited.
I mean, you never know who's gonna give birth to the next Neil sedaka, am I right? Yeah.
Well, skinny girl, how far long are you? 'Cause you are just skinny as a skinny rail.
Oh, well, I'm just a few weeks along.
I was getting some coffee on my way home, and I saw this place and I thought, why not stick a toe in the water, right? Yeah.
Well, the first thing you're gonna want to do with that toe is have it talk the other toes into kicking caffeine right out of your life.
Oh, no, no.
You don't understand.
My coffee's the only thing that--that keeps me from jumping in front of the "e" train.
I do understand, but that nasty old caffeine gets into your tummy and then up the umbilical cord, and, well, the next thing you know, you've got a hyperactive child who's tugging on your dress screaming, "mommy, mommy! Look at me! Mommy! Mommy! Look! Look!" Got it.
Ok.
No more coffee.
Great.
Ok.
We've got some great books here on nutrition for expectant mothers that are an absolute must-have.
Now, I assume you're taking folic acid? Well, I took some at a metallica concert once.
Woke up the next day in the parking lot of a waldbaum's.
[Laughing.]
I'm kidding.
I mean, that did-- that did happen, but I know that's not what you meant.
Anyway, I-- I have an appointment with my o.
B/g.
Y.
N.
Next week, and I'm sure he'll clue me in.
Right, but in the meantime you want to get a little checklist going, huh? See what this cute little money pit's gonna run ya? Exactly.
Great.
Where should we start? Changing tables.
Oh, you know what? Actually, um, I don't think I need one of those.
We have this old bureau in the attic.
I--I think I'm just gonna use that.
Does it have a lip on it? I--I--I don't know.
Is that-- is that important? Gosh, I don't know.
Let's see.
Here I am, changing my baby on the no-lip bureau I saved, oh, $600 on.
What's that? The phone? Better get it.
Well, hello there, husband.
No, I'm just changing little wynona.
We're Oh, God! Wynona, no! No! No! Why? What happened? What happened to little wynona? She rolled off the edge 'cause there was no lip.
Now she has to go to special classes.
Ok.
Got it.
Get a changing table.
Yeah.
Ok.
So what brings you to Gotham? You're here on business? Yes.
Oh.
What do you do? I run c.
B.
S.
Ah, c.
V.
S.
, nice.
My wife shops there.
In fact, she just picked up a couple of 12-packs of charmins.
Saved a bundle.
Good feeling, though, when you're all set with t.
P.
For a few weeks, am I right? Not c.
V.
S.
, c.
B.
S.
Oh, c.
B.
S.
Hey, is that guy on Becker really blind? What's the deal? Gotcha.
No problem.
[Cell phone ringing.]
Hello.
Hi, hon, it's me.
Hey, babe.
How you feeling? Um, fine.
Well, I threw up this morning, but that's normal.
Hey, you had fruit loops.
That must have been quite a show.
Ok, well, I'm at the baby store.
Fantastic.
There's this great changing table.
I know you don't know what it is, but we'll need it.
[Whispering.]
Tell him it has a decorative lip.
It has a decorative lip.
Anyway, it's a display model and we can get it for a 3rd off.
Well, if you think that it's a good deal-- hey! What are you doing? You passed my building.
Uh, oops.
Ok.
No problem.
I'll just swing around.
Sorry about that.
All right, order it if you want, ok? It's fine.
I gotta go.
[Sighing.]
So, do you know della Reese? Bad news.
The changing table I ordered was too big for the room.
Oh, really? Yeah, they have a smaller one there.
But it's a little bit more expensive, is that ok? Um-- hey.
You left the two day's on the platform yesterday.
O'Boyle is pissed.
Oh.
I'll--I'll-- I'll take care of it.
Uh, yeah, buy it.
Whatever you want, honey.
Ok.
Oh! And what do you think of "Peter"? Oh, I like him a lot.
No, the name "Peter," for a boy.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
Who did you think I was talking about? I don't know.
Douglas, got a moment to chat? Hold--hold on one sec, ok? What did I say? Heads inside! [All clamoring.]
What--what is it, Arthur? Uh, I'm a bit concerned about the lack of progress vis-a-vis the toilet.
You know what? I can't hear you.
You'll have to say it again.
The toilet! The thing I don't have! Hold on one sec.
Pants on! [Cell phone ringing.]
[Cutlery rattling.]
Yeah, hello? Are you married to the decorative lip? No, no, no, no, not at all.
Ok, then, bye.
[Music playing.]
[Cell phone ringing.]
Yeah? You left another pallet of two day's, man.
Crap.
All--all right, thanks.
[Cell phone ringing.]
[Chuckles.]
What? So I guess the toilet is here and I'm just missing it.
Listen, I said I would get it.
Now, stop calling me, or the toilet will be your new fedora.
Anger.
Young man, wake up.
[Snoring.]
We can't get out.
The doors are locked.
Wake up.
Start the engine.
Oh, Herman, I-I'm frightened.
Oh, coffee.
Coffee.
Need coffee.
Oh, sweet wakey juice.
Oh, oh, yeah.
[Gasps.]
Oh, it's cold.
[Groans.]
And decaf.
Ok, that was a miss-miss.
(Arthur) Douglas, is that you? Yeah.
(Arthur) Kindly step down here for a moment.
Yeah, Arthur, what Oh, God.
Hello, Douglas.
You, uh, you do understand that's not connected, right? Yes, but as you can see, there aren't a great many seating options available down here.
Sorry, I've been busy, but I did bring the toilet in, right? Yes, you did, which I'm now beginning to assume was just to taunt me.
It wasn't to taunt you.
Well, then can you hook it up tonight? I can't tonight.
I gotta drive insane clown posse to the v.
H-1 awards.
Look, I don't understand your street jargon, but I do understand there's a toilet here with no conduit to the ocean! Arthur, I have a half an hour before I have to leave for work.
If I don't lie down, I'm gonna break in a scary way.
(Carrie) Doug, you home? Yeah, coming! Wait! Where you going? I'm on the brink of utopia.
Help me! (Doug) Where are you? In my office.
Come on up.
Huh? Huh? What do you think? What's--what's all this? Our baby's room.
I want to see how the furniture would fit, so I got a bunch of empty boxes from the supermarket.
Oh! Shamaniqua says congratulations and sends a shout-out to you.
Oh, we--we got to go, honey.
Come on.
Wait.
Wait.
Where we going? My obstetrician appointment.
You said you wanted to come, right? [Doug exclaims.]
Check it out, honey.
It's like the zamboni at the ranger game.
[Imitating zamboni.]
All right, Doug-- [scatting.]
Stop it.
Yeah! All right.
All right, blue, 395.
Blue.
Blue.
Would you stop it? Doug-- hut! Stop it.
How much coffee have you had? Just this one.
And the other 2.
All right, you know what, sweetie? I love you for bringing me here, but why don't you head out to work, ok? You're making me nervous.
Besides, you don't want to be late.
No sense in upsetting an already insane clown posse.
All right, sorry for the wait.
Oh, that's ok, Dr.
linhardt.
This is my husband Doug.
Doug, hello.
It would seem congratulations are in order.
Well, thanks, and to you.
Took me 2 whole dates to get where you're about to go.
I kid.
I kid.
Ok, bye-bye, now.
All right, I gotta go.
I'm going.
I'm going.
Hey, you guys want the door open or closed? Again, I kid.
I kid.
[Sighs.]
Oh, keys.
I just forgot Honey? What happened? Did we have the baby? No.
You passed out.
I did? [Exclaims.]
Oh, well.
Gotta go.
Doug! What? Where are you going? To work.
To work? Yeah.
You just collapsed! I didn't collapse.
That was a catnap.
Did me a world of good, too.
I'll see you tonight.
[Thudding.]
Doug? Honey? What happened? You passed out again.
Why am I in these? Well, the doctor thought it would be better if you had your feet elevated this time, but you know what? Take them down.
It's starting to creep me out a little bit.
All righty, well, once again, I'll see you tonight, ok? Doug! What? Stop leaving.
I have work.
I've got to pick up a car in astoria.
Doug, you are passing out every 3rd step.
Astoria is a little ambitious, ok? Now, just tell me what is going on with you? I don't know! Everything's changing, Carrie.
You know, 2 weeks ago you were my beautiful, sexy wife.
Now I walk in here, and you're--you're not her anymore.
You're--you're that, and I'm Mr.
that.
We're sitting there.
And filling out forms "name of mother? Name of father?" I-I'm not even Doug anymore.
You realize that? I'm "name of father.
" I thought you were Mr.
that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, glad you're having fun with this.
Well, Doug, what do you want me to say? Everything's changing, yes.
Why is it all dawning on you now? Because I never had time for it to dawn on me before.
I was too busy trying to shoulder you into a good place.
Well, you made me give you all the burden.
I know, but because of that, I never had a moment, not one moment, to say, "holy crap.
What's happening to us?" You know what? I'm saying it now.
Holy crap.
What's happening to us? We're having a baby, and it's gonna be ok.
Oh, shut up.
I'm serious.
It is.
Why are you so sure now? Because of you.
Me? Mmm-hmm.
Watching you these last couple of weeks, seeing what you're willing to put yourself through for me, for our family, I just realized, you know, because we have you, we're--we're gonna be ok.
I am pretty amazing, huh? Hey, I let you get me pregnant, right? Only 7 or 8 guys could say that.
So you really--really think we can pull this off? I do, but you know what? You have to You have to give me some of the burden back.
No, no.
It's--it's-- I don't-- it's in the car.
I don't believe it is.
No.
I don't have it.
I don't have it on me.
You give it to me! Give it to me.
Give it to me right now.
Stop it! Leave me alone.
Give me the burden.
Give me the burden.
Come on, baby.
I'll come back.
[Doorbell ringing.]
Huh.
You, uh, you expecting someone? No, I canceled both my lovers when I let you move back in.
[Laughing.]
Good one.
Hey, man.
Hey, deac.
Hey, kel.
Hey, Spence.
It's, uh, it's a little late.
What's up? Oh, well, you had some t-shirts in the wash when you left.
I thought you might need them.
Um, I'm all out of snuggle, so those might be a little rougher than you're used to.
Thanks, man, you didn't have to do this, though.
Well, I felt kind of bad with the way we left things.
No, no.
Don't be silly, man.
Kicking me out was the best thing that could've happened.
Kelly and I are doing great now.
Are you? Yeah.
Well, that's good.
Anything else, or Uh, no, I just dropped by with the t-shirts and a how-do.
All right, well, I guess I'll catch you at coopers, all right? You got it.
All right, good night, man.
(Doug) Carrie! Wife? Wife! Wifey! [Imitating Jerry lewis.]
Wifey-lady person-thingie, hello! Here you are.
Check this out.
It's called a receiving blanket, and apparently, it's perfect for "swaddling our precious new baby.
" Now all we have to do is learn how to swaddle.
[Clears throat.]
What's the matter? We're not going to be needing that.
What are you I felt weird, so I went back to the doctor.
I, um I, uh-- I lost it.
Oh.
[Doug sighs.]
So are--are you ok? It's funny, you know, the other day at the doctor we were both in a good place about this for the first time.
And and now [Carrie sniffling.]
[Hammering.]
Oh, that's it, Artie.
The dream has become a reality.
Never thought I'd live to see it.
Thank you, Douglas.
You did a wonderful job.
Looks good, right? And I want to apologize once again for the cement incident.
Look, hey, we caught it before anybody ate any.
That's the main thing.
So, uh, how's Carrie doing? She's--she's doing all right.
You know? I guess the good thing that came of all this is we know that we really want to have a baby, so we're going to keep trying.
That's the spirit.
Don't let the bastards get you down.
I'm not sure what bastards you mean, but thank you.
(Carrie) Doug, everyone's here.
Come on! Hey, uh, we're going to the movies, Arthur.
You want to come with us? No, thanks, Douglas.
I think I'll stay home tonight.
Think I'll stay home.
Enjoy.
(Doug) Ok, people, let's go eat a dangerous amount of milk duds.
Sweetie, you should've brought a jacket.
You'll get cold.
I'll be all right.
You always say that and you wind up cold.
Honey, I'll be fine.
[Clears throat.]
I'll keep the couch free.
[Toilet flushing.]
(Arthur) Now that's livin'.
[Music playing.]
Dad, it's the middle of the night.
What are you doin' up? I didn't realize I had a curfew.
I-I'm sorry.
I just, uh, I need to get something.
Tell me what it is, and I'll slide it under the door.
Yeah.
Won't work.
Um, are you gonna be long? [New age music playing.]
Could be a few minutes! My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Gimme somethin' to punch.
What? What's wrong? Gimme somethin' to punch now! Not a friend.
All right, don't beat up our groceries.
Just tell me what's wrong.
Your father's what's wrong.
I'm tryin' to get ready for work, I can't even get in the bathroom.
He spends the whole day in there, like he's at six flags.
Doug, he's old.
His machinery just takes a little longer to rev up, that's all.
That's not all.
He's in there messin' around with a stupid foot massager for half an hour.
For your information, it was a waterpik.
Forgive me for not being a bigger fan of gum disease.
Fine, it was a waterpik.
My mistake.
Oh, and by the way, one time, try not aiming it at the mirror.
It might work out for you.
Give her a shot.
Well, I'd probably do better if someone wasn't banging on the door, spewing hateful invectives at me.
(Carrie) All right, dad.
Stop taunting Doug with words he doesn't know.
Now, both of you count to 10, let me get out the door, and you can start your slap fight.
Sure, you can run out the door, but you can't run away from your responsibility in this matter.
Me? What did I do? When you insisted I come live here with you, you specifically promised me a furnished room with private bath.
I never said that.
You said it with your eyes.
Doug, can we just build a bathroom downstairs for him? What? No! Why not? It's not like he doesn't need it.
He doesn't need it.
One bathroom is fine for this house if he didn't nap in there.
I don't plan them.
So who's gonna pay for this, Carrie? Well, we can dip into our savings.
I betcha we do the whole thing for less than $1,000.
Oh, just a thou? Oh, well, in that case-- no.
Oh, I'm sorry, Douglas.
Were you saving that money for yet another What I save my money for, is none of your business.
Fine, but bear in mind, my bladder has me up and that laundry sink down there is starting to look awfully good to me.
And checkmate! Dad wins! Goodbye and goodbye.
[Knocking on door.]
(Deacon) Yeah, come on in.
Hey, come on, man.
Let's get goin', huh? What's up with you? I had a crappy morning.
I gotta shell out $1,000 to build a bathroom for Arthur.
You believe that? You never built him a bathroom? That's cold.
Anyway, it kills me the way he manipulates Carrie.
He knows what he's doin'.
"Oh, I'm old.
I have different smells.
" Well, he is pretty old.
I'm so not into you today.
Listen, don't take it out on me, man.
I'm not havin' such a great day myself.
Yeah? What's up? I went out to marriage counseling with Kelly last night, and--and it went pretty well.
So we decided to go out to dinner after, you know, to keep talking, right? So? So, so he gets all bent out of shape just because-- he has a name, thank you.
And perhaps Doug would like to hear both sides of the story, hmm? Not that much, no.
Just let it go, all right? Oh, me? I should let it go? Um, was I the one that said, "I'll be home at 8:00.
Order a pizza.
" Was that me? I'm tryin' to reconcile with my wife, man.
Fine.
This is a telephone, and it was invented so that people could call other people, and tell them not to order a pizza they have no intention of eating.
It's a pizza.
Just get my half out of the fridge, I'll pay you for it.
Forget it.
No, come on, here.
I wanna end this.
Take this, and give me the rest of the pizza.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
I ate it, all right? In a fit of self-loathing, I wolfed down an entire large pizza by myself, and you just made me admit it in front of Doug! Thank you! [Door slamming.]
You all set? Yeah.
And after I finish with the framing, I put up half-inch greenboard.
That's very good.
Half-inch greenboard, huh? Is that the cheapest you have? Well, no.
There is quarter-inch.
You want that? You know what? That'll be fine.
Quarter-inch? That's not very thick.
So? What if you get mad at me, and try to punch your way in? I wanna feel secure in there.
Quarter-inch.
I want half-inch.
You don't need half-inch.
I do need half-inch.
H-h-how about three-eights? Can I have four-eights? Three-eights will be fine.
If you're looking to save some money elsewhere, I can get for you a deal on the toilet.
Whoa! Whoa, there, trotsky.
I already picked out what I want in that department.
King of prussia in pacific blue or sandstone.
Arthur, this toilet is $600! It's ergonomically correct.
I'm not paying $600 for a toilet! Fine! Why don't we just dig a hole in the ground, line it with newspapers? Or is a nickel still too much? Carrie! You got to go down and talk to your father right now.
I'll talk to him later.
No, later's too late.
I gotta get to work, and he's outta control on this bathroom thing.
It took me 20 minutes to explain to him why he can't have a view.
I'll deal with it later.
I don't feel well.
What's the matter? I don't know.
My--my stomach's weird.
You think it's that crab taco you had at the drive-thru? You had that.
You had a bite.
No.
You wouldn't give me one.
They're not that big.
Whatever! It's not from that! I gotta go.
I am so late.
Just talk to your dad when you can, ok? And take some pepto-bismol.
It's not that kind of thing.
Then what is it? I don't know! Ok! Goodbye! [Sighing.]
What the hell is it? Oh, wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
I forgot to put my thingy in.
I'll be right back, ok? All right.
I'll get started.
You work your way in, like double-Dutch.
(Arthur) I'm in here! [Knocking on door.]
(Arthur) Carrie! Uh, yeah, dad? If you've got a moment, I'd like your thoughts on some wallpaper samples.
Uh, I'll be out in a minute.
The contractor likes the striped pattern, but I'm leaning toward the seagulls.
They're a marvelous bird, don't you think? Uh, dad, I just-- I just need a minute.
Righto.
I'll wait downstairs with the contractor.
Oh, boy.
[Whistling.]
So, where are you from exactly? I was born in Kiev.
Ah, yes! Kiev.
Jewel of the Ukraine.
You have been there? No.
But I hear good things.
Oh, darling, good.
Here's a 3rd wallpaper choice I'm also considering.
Lively cartoons of various people in the John.
What do you think? Uh, it's--it's fine.
I'm sensing some hesitation.
Too Randy? Think it might cause a stir? I-I'm sorry, dad, I really can't focus on that right now.
Alex, I think we might have to put a pin in this till next time.
Ok.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Hmm! Look at this drunken fella.
[Door closing.]
Doesn't even realize the lid's down.
Marvelous! I'm--I'm pregnant.
Hmm? I'm sorry, dear.
What? I'm I'm, I'm pregnant, dad.
Well, that's terrific! No.
No, it's not terrific.
We weren't-- we weren't trying for this now, dad.
We just-- we just got careless.
So what, darling? Nature works in its own wonderful way.
This has nothing to do with nature.
I couldn't get in the bathroom and get what I needed, because you were locked in there listening to enya! Well, I offered to slip your doohickey under the door.
Yeah, well, I didn't want you to touch my doohickey.
Ok? But that's not the point.
The point is we're not prepared for this, dad.
We barely have enough money in the bank to--to build you your bathroom.
A kid is like 10 bathrooms! And that's if we don't let it go to college! [Exclaims.]
Darling, many years ago, I anticipated that this day would come, so I put together a plan that would help you kids out with your financial needs.
You did? Yes.
Looking back, I wish I had followed through on that plan.
But in my defense, the dog races are terribly fixed.
Dad, you know what? It's not your responsibility.
Doug and I made a dumb mistake, and now Well, I don't even know what now.
I'll tell you one thing.
You got to talk to Douglas right away.
I can't.
I have to go to work.
Work, schmerk! This is your life! You need to hold each other.
Dad, my boss has a huge deposition today which starts in less than an hour.
I got to go.
I will tell him when I get home from work tonight, and don't you tell him if he gets home first, ok? Fine, whatever.
Dad, this is a personal matter, ok? I need you to look me in the eye and swear on mom's grave, that you won't tell him.
Pick a different grave.
How about aunt lottie? Dad! Fine.
I won't tell him.
Thank you.
I love you.
Love you, too, sweetheart.
Ok, kids, last time I checked, packages don't deliver themselves.
Chop, chop.
All right, I'm outta here.
Where do you want to meet for lunch? Anywhere as long as it's a castle and it's white.
See you then.
[Door closes.]
Hello, Douglas! Arthur, what are you doing here? Ah, nothing special.
I may be sending a package soon, and I wanted your outfit to get first crack at the business.
So far, I like what I see.
Ok, once again, what are you doin' here? Is this about your stupid bathroom? Not at all.
But, hey, since fate has thrown us together, what say we pop into the city and see Carrie? Come on.
Road trip! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is Carrie ok? She's fine, she's fine.
But I do think you should speak to her immediately.
There's a bit of a situation.
Well, what is it? I am forbidden to tell.
Would you just tell me? I'm forbidden! Heffernan.
That thing I said before, that was just chummy boss talk, but the fact is packages really don't deliver themselves.
I'm sorry, Mr.
O'Boyle.
It's just that I have a little family crisis.
More of a situation actually.
A situation, right.
What is it? I don't know.
He won't tell me.
I've been forbidden.
Who are you? A concerned citizen.
He's my father-in-law.
Is it ok if I go into the city and talk to my wife? What? Oh, come on, heffernan.
I mean, I got wife problems as well.
You don't see me runnin' outta here just 'cause she took the kids back to India.
Sir, the man has a legitimate situation to deal with at once.
Well, what the hell is it? Come here.
[Whispering.]
Really? Well, that's terrific.
(Arthur) Wait.
There's more.
Ohh! That's a shame.
All right, heffernan, you can go.
Come on! What is it? I'm forbidden! (Berenson) Now, Mr.
mazzeo, in your testimony before the securities and exchange commission, you specifically mentioned that you had no knowledge of the pending merger.
And you signed an affidavit to that effect as well.
Could I see that, please, Carrie? Carrie? Hmm? I'm sorry.
What? Could I please see Mr.
mazzeo's affidavit, please? Oh.
Sure, you can.
Ok.
[Muttering.]
There you go.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, Mr.
mazzeo, if I can refer you to page 51, specifically paragraph 5 Oh, God, would you look at this gas bill? Can we put this on a credit card? We could if it hadn't been scissored in half at McDonalds.
What about all these frequent flyer Miles? Can we use them for anything? Yeah, that's a minus sign.
We owe them Miles.
[Crashing.]
Could you deal with that, please? Your turn! [Wailing.]
(Carrie) Doug junior Oh! Oh, ok Oh, that's not good.
Sweetie, no, no-- [screaming.]
There we go.
There we go.
There we go.
Ooh! No, no, that's mama's.
Mama's.
No, mama's sad, mama's sad.
[Babbling.]
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Dougie, sweetie, sweetie, be careful-- you gotta be careful-- play nice.
No, no, no.
Wait.
No, no.
I need that.
Neat, please.
Mama.
Yeah, ok, baby.
[Groaning.]
Oh, ok.
All right.
It's ok, it's ok.
[Continues groaning.]
Doug junior, it's time to go home.
Come on, sweetie.
We have to leave now.
Hey, Dougie, you want some ice cream? Yeah! Yes, come on.
Come on, baby.
Come on.
Yes, yes, come on.
Come on, baby.
Yeah! (Carrie) Yes-- oops! Honey, it's ok.
Honey, it's ok.
Ice cream.
Ice cream! Yeah! Yeah! Come get it, baby.
Honey, slow-- you gotta slow down, baby.
Baby, you gotta slow down.
Yeah.
Slow, slow, slow.
Ooh! (Berenson) Carrie! Hmm? Oh! Can I see the transcript, please? Oh, sure.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Now, Mr.
mazzeo, on the 14th of August, you Uh, excuse me one moment, please.
What's going on? Hi, I'm, uh, Carrie's husband.
Any chance I could speak to her for a moment? We're in the middle of a deposition.
Can it wait? I'm pretty sure it can't, but I'm not positive.
I don't understand.
It's a very sensitive matter he's not privy to at the moment.
You see Come here.
Will you stop telling people! Look, tell me! I'm forbidden.
Doug? Dad? Here's your husband.
Now talk to him.
I'll be waiting in there.
What the hell is going on? He won't tell me anything.
Dad, why did you bring him down here? I am working.
This is more important.
Now tell him! Doug, I--I--I really can't talk right now.
The thing is, um, I'm pregnant.
And I'm terrified we're gonna be broke, and I love you, and we'll talk at home.
So, in the mood for a knish? They asleep? Finally.
Kirby put up a helluva fight, though.
Had to read him everyone poops 4 times.
God, he's obsessed with that book.
I think I know it by heart now.
It's a good book, though.
I actually never realized that everyone poops.
Yeah, well, the title does give it away.
Uh, anyway, I guess I should, uh, head on back to Spence's.
Sure.
Ok.
So, I'll, uh, I'll, uh, see you at counseling on Thursday, right? Right.
Right.
All right.
Deacon Yeah? Look, I have half a lasagna from yesterday.
I could heat it up if you haven't already eaten.
[Ringing.]
Hello? Hey, man, it's me.
Oh, hey.
Where are you? I'm at home and I'm just gonna hang out here for dinner, ok? No problemo.
Probably be home about 10:00.
I'll see you then.
And, hey, thanks for the phone call.
Not so hard, was it? You're right, you're right.
My bad.
Listen, have a good dinner.
I'll catch you later, buddy boy.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.
I am so not ready.
All right, come on, will you just calm down.
Doug, this is not a situation that calls for calming down, ok? As a matter of fact, why don't you calm up? Ok, there's no such thing.
You can only calm in one direction.
Well, then maybe they should change that.
Why are you so upset? We wanted to have a baby eventually, right? Yes, eventually, Doug.
Not today.
It's like being offered a job on Monday, but you have to start it on Tuesday.
"Congratulations, you're our new pregnant person! See you at 9 a.
m.
!" And I can't even tell them that I don't want the job because I've already been fired from my old job as a not-pregnant person.
I'm not even allowed near the building! Ok, will you stop straightening up for a second? I can't! We're having a baby! Yeah, well, he's not dropping by tonight.
[Sighing.]
Now, listen to me.
What? Everything is gonna be fine.
But you have to stop worrying.
How can I stop worrying, Doug? We're--we're broke, we're unprepared, and I drop things.
You know your-- you know your jets mug? That wasn't my dad.
That was me.
Will you just listen to me? From this moment until the moment Bruce is born-- Bruce? For Springsteen, you know? No.
But go on.
Until the moment he is born, all the burden is on me.
Ok, I'm gonna work overtime, I'll get a job at night, we'll sock away a lot of money.
And if anything comes up, I'll take care of it.
Anything.
Well, what do I do? You just think happy thoughts and--and grow a baby.
That's your only job.
Not counting your regular job.
We need that.
I'll try.
But I'm gonna freak out, Doug, sometimes.
I can't help that.
So then you freak out.
But then you call me, ok? 'Cause I'm always wearing my phone, huh? Oh.
Other side.
It's on the other side.
[Sighing.]
Look, it'll ring.
I'll find it.
Trust me.
[Sighing.]
Are we on the same page? I just feel bad giving you the whole burden.
Don't feel bad.
Burden me up! [Growling.]
All right? Fine.
Well? Give it to me.
What? You want me to, like, mime giving it to you? I think it would be a nice symbolic gesture, yes.
All right.
That's it? Yes.
You're lying.
I know there's more! Stop! I know there's more.
Come on, you're holding! Aha! Ohh! Oh, that is pure burden.
You're an idiot.
I love you.
So, should I conclude that the storm has passed? Yes, dad.
And break.
Oh, man, that is so great.
Ok, I owe you.
All right, bye.
Yeah! What? Well, your old hubby just got a night job doing what he does best.
I know what you're thinkin': Underwear model.
Actually, what I do second best: Driving.
Oh, the limo thing came through? Yay! Yep, 5 nights a week, I'm going to be playing motor host to New York's glamorous social elite.
And probably some drunk prom kids.
Honey, that's so much.
Money! Cash! You know what I'm talking about? Co-co-cold cash.
All right.
I'm telling you, car, our kid's gonna have the best of everything: Best food, best babysitters, solid-gold pacifier.
I'm not sure if it's good for a kid to suck on gold.
Fine.
Lead, whatever.
The point is we're gonna have the money to do what we want.
Well, let me at least help out.
How about I do some overtime work? No, no, no overtime work.
That counts as burden.
You work 40 hours a week Max.
And even then, I want a lot of slacking off.
You know, they put solitaire on the computer for a reason.
All right, well, maybe I'll go online, you know, read up baby-type stuff.
See, there you go.
Now we're vibing, huh? It's gonna be ok, my little [Speaking gibberish.]
My little yummy, yummy, yummy, my-- all right, all right.
If that continues, I will beat you with the blender.
Whoa! There are the hormones.
Ok, killer.
Sorry about that, kids.
Just trying to shut off the right circuit breaker.
I don't know that these old bones can handle a 3rd electrocution.
He's near our wires.
Why is he near our wires? Uh, dad, what are you doing? Pitching in.
What with the baby coming, I realize the contractor's too expensive to keep on, but we still own the materials, so I figured why not just finish up the job myself? Um, maybe because you know absolutely nothing about construction? Is that so? Well, for your information, darling, I spent several months working as a rivet boy on the empire state building.
In addition to doling out hot rivets, I would also delight and amuse the workers by dancing a lively jig during break time.
You know what? There's no rivets or dancing involved here, so give it up, ok? Don't worry, Douglas, I'm not on my own here.
I have a step-by-step book that will guide me through the process.
Ok, this is how to build an outdoor barbecue pit.
Granted, there'll be some extrapolating.
Dad, please be rational here.
You can't do this.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't! For God's sakes, you get reduced to tears when you try to make popcorn! Now come on, just forget about this now.
I'm sorry, darling.
I know you're right.
It's just so hard to accept.
I was so close to having my own bathroom, I could taste it.
You know what, Arthur? I'll, uh I'll finish it up for you, ok? Don't be silly, Douglas.
You got way too much on your plate already.
Believe me, I want to.
In fact, I'll pick up the toilet on my way home, ok? God bless you.
[Door opening.]
What up, little man? Not much.
Listen, I'm gonna grab a shower, but, um, if one of your famous grilled cheese sandwiches met me with a towel, I wouldn't hate it, you know what I'm saying? What's the matter? We need to talk.
Come.
Sit.
Ok.
Uh, what's up? I, uh Oh, this is hard.
Come on.
What is it? Ok, I--I just don't think this--this is working out for me.
What isn't? This, this.
This thing that we're doing.
Bro, I'm just crashing on your couch until Kelly lets me back.
Exactly.
A-and in the meantime, I'm nothing more than your servant.
I'm your doormat, your m-Mr.
belvedere.
Is this about the other night? I--I called to tell you I wasn't coming home.
I--I know, and thank you, but I just I feel like I've got to get off this emotional roller coaster.
You want me to move out? I think it would be best if you got all of your stuff out tomorrow, and--and I'll make sure to be out the whole day.
I only have one suitcase, and I never even unpacked it.
I don't think you have to be out at all.
Well, I have to be out anyway because of work.
Well, all right.
Why don't I just [quavering.]
Get started on that grilled cheese sandwich? Can I help you? Uh, yeah, I guess.
I mean, I am pregnant, so Pregnant? Oh, how wonderful! What a delightful, wonderful miracle that is.
Well, you seem awfully excited for someone who deals with pregnant women for a living uh, I'm sorry.
I just get so excited.
I mean, you never know who's gonna give birth to the next Neil sedaka, am I right? Yeah.
Well, skinny girl, how far long are you? 'Cause you are just skinny as a skinny rail.
Oh, well, I'm just a few weeks along.
I was getting some coffee on my way home, and I saw this place and I thought, why not stick a toe in the water, right? Yeah.
Well, the first thing you're gonna want to do with that toe is have it talk the other toes into kicking caffeine right out of your life.
Oh, no, no.
You don't understand.
My coffee's the only thing that--that keeps me from jumping in front of the "e" train.
I do understand, but that nasty old caffeine gets into your tummy and then up the umbilical cord, and, well, the next thing you know, you've got a hyperactive child who's tugging on your dress screaming, "mommy, mommy! Look at me! Mommy! Mommy! Look! Look!" Got it.
Ok.
No more coffee.
Great.
Ok.
We've got some great books here on nutrition for expectant mothers that are an absolute must-have.
Now, I assume you're taking folic acid? Well, I took some at a metallica concert once.
Woke up the next day in the parking lot of a waldbaum's.
[Laughing.]
I'm kidding.
I mean, that did-- that did happen, but I know that's not what you meant.
Anyway, I-- I have an appointment with my o.
B/g.
Y.
N.
Next week, and I'm sure he'll clue me in.
Right, but in the meantime you want to get a little checklist going, huh? See what this cute little money pit's gonna run ya? Exactly.
Great.
Where should we start? Changing tables.
Oh, you know what? Actually, um, I don't think I need one of those.
We have this old bureau in the attic.
I--I think I'm just gonna use that.
Does it have a lip on it? I--I--I don't know.
Is that-- is that important? Gosh, I don't know.
Let's see.
Here I am, changing my baby on the no-lip bureau I saved, oh, $600 on.
What's that? The phone? Better get it.
Well, hello there, husband.
No, I'm just changing little wynona.
We're Oh, God! Wynona, no! No! No! Why? What happened? What happened to little wynona? She rolled off the edge 'cause there was no lip.
Now she has to go to special classes.
Ok.
Got it.
Get a changing table.
Yeah.
Ok.
So what brings you to Gotham? You're here on business? Yes.
Oh.
What do you do? I run c.
B.
S.
Ah, c.
V.
S.
, nice.
My wife shops there.
In fact, she just picked up a couple of 12-packs of charmins.
Saved a bundle.
Good feeling, though, when you're all set with t.
P.
For a few weeks, am I right? Not c.
V.
S.
, c.
B.
S.
Oh, c.
B.
S.
Hey, is that guy on Becker really blind? What's the deal? Gotcha.
No problem.
[Cell phone ringing.]
Hello.
Hi, hon, it's me.
Hey, babe.
How you feeling? Um, fine.
Well, I threw up this morning, but that's normal.
Hey, you had fruit loops.
That must have been quite a show.
Ok, well, I'm at the baby store.
Fantastic.
There's this great changing table.
I know you don't know what it is, but we'll need it.
[Whispering.]
Tell him it has a decorative lip.
It has a decorative lip.
Anyway, it's a display model and we can get it for a 3rd off.
Well, if you think that it's a good deal-- hey! What are you doing? You passed my building.
Uh, oops.
Ok.
No problem.
I'll just swing around.
Sorry about that.
All right, order it if you want, ok? It's fine.
I gotta go.
[Sighing.]
So, do you know della Reese? Bad news.
The changing table I ordered was too big for the room.
Oh, really? Yeah, they have a smaller one there.
But it's a little bit more expensive, is that ok? Um-- hey.
You left the two day's on the platform yesterday.
O'Boyle is pissed.
Oh.
I'll--I'll-- I'll take care of it.
Uh, yeah, buy it.
Whatever you want, honey.
Ok.
Oh! And what do you think of "Peter"? Oh, I like him a lot.
No, the name "Peter," for a boy.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
Who did you think I was talking about? I don't know.
Douglas, got a moment to chat? Hold--hold on one sec, ok? What did I say? Heads inside! [All clamoring.]
What--what is it, Arthur? Uh, I'm a bit concerned about the lack of progress vis-a-vis the toilet.
You know what? I can't hear you.
You'll have to say it again.
The toilet! The thing I don't have! Hold on one sec.
Pants on! [Cell phone ringing.]
[Cutlery rattling.]
Yeah, hello? Are you married to the decorative lip? No, no, no, no, not at all.
Ok, then, bye.
[Music playing.]
[Cell phone ringing.]
Yeah? You left another pallet of two day's, man.
Crap.
All--all right, thanks.
[Cell phone ringing.]
[Chuckles.]
What? So I guess the toilet is here and I'm just missing it.
Listen, I said I would get it.
Now, stop calling me, or the toilet will be your new fedora.
Anger.
Young man, wake up.
[Snoring.]
We can't get out.
The doors are locked.
Wake up.
Start the engine.
Oh, Herman, I-I'm frightened.
Oh, coffee.
Coffee.
Need coffee.
Oh, sweet wakey juice.
Oh, oh, yeah.
[Gasps.]
Oh, it's cold.
[Groans.]
And decaf.
Ok, that was a miss-miss.
(Arthur) Douglas, is that you? Yeah.
(Arthur) Kindly step down here for a moment.
Yeah, Arthur, what Oh, God.
Hello, Douglas.
You, uh, you do understand that's not connected, right? Yes, but as you can see, there aren't a great many seating options available down here.
Sorry, I've been busy, but I did bring the toilet in, right? Yes, you did, which I'm now beginning to assume was just to taunt me.
It wasn't to taunt you.
Well, then can you hook it up tonight? I can't tonight.
I gotta drive insane clown posse to the v.
H-1 awards.
Look, I don't understand your street jargon, but I do understand there's a toilet here with no conduit to the ocean! Arthur, I have a half an hour before I have to leave for work.
If I don't lie down, I'm gonna break in a scary way.
(Carrie) Doug, you home? Yeah, coming! Wait! Where you going? I'm on the brink of utopia.
Help me! (Doug) Where are you? In my office.
Come on up.
Huh? Huh? What do you think? What's--what's all this? Our baby's room.
I want to see how the furniture would fit, so I got a bunch of empty boxes from the supermarket.
Oh! Shamaniqua says congratulations and sends a shout-out to you.
Oh, we--we got to go, honey.
Come on.
Wait.
Wait.
Where we going? My obstetrician appointment.
You said you wanted to come, right? [Doug exclaims.]
Check it out, honey.
It's like the zamboni at the ranger game.
[Imitating zamboni.]
All right, Doug-- [scatting.]
Stop it.
Yeah! All right.
All right, blue, 395.
Blue.
Blue.
Would you stop it? Doug-- hut! Stop it.
How much coffee have you had? Just this one.
And the other 2.
All right, you know what, sweetie? I love you for bringing me here, but why don't you head out to work, ok? You're making me nervous.
Besides, you don't want to be late.
No sense in upsetting an already insane clown posse.
All right, sorry for the wait.
Oh, that's ok, Dr.
linhardt.
This is my husband Doug.
Doug, hello.
It would seem congratulations are in order.
Well, thanks, and to you.
Took me 2 whole dates to get where you're about to go.
I kid.
I kid.
Ok, bye-bye, now.
All right, I gotta go.
I'm going.
I'm going.
Hey, you guys want the door open or closed? Again, I kid.
I kid.
[Sighs.]
Oh, keys.
I just forgot Honey? What happened? Did we have the baby? No.
You passed out.
I did? [Exclaims.]
Oh, well.
Gotta go.
Doug! What? Where are you going? To work.
To work? Yeah.
You just collapsed! I didn't collapse.
That was a catnap.
Did me a world of good, too.
I'll see you tonight.
[Thudding.]
Doug? Honey? What happened? You passed out again.
Why am I in these? Well, the doctor thought it would be better if you had your feet elevated this time, but you know what? Take them down.
It's starting to creep me out a little bit.
All righty, well, once again, I'll see you tonight, ok? Doug! What? Stop leaving.
I have work.
I've got to pick up a car in astoria.
Doug, you are passing out every 3rd step.
Astoria is a little ambitious, ok? Now, just tell me what is going on with you? I don't know! Everything's changing, Carrie.
You know, 2 weeks ago you were my beautiful, sexy wife.
Now I walk in here, and you're--you're not her anymore.
You're--you're that, and I'm Mr.
that.
We're sitting there.
And filling out forms "name of mother? Name of father?" I-I'm not even Doug anymore.
You realize that? I'm "name of father.
" I thought you were Mr.
that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, glad you're having fun with this.
Well, Doug, what do you want me to say? Everything's changing, yes.
Why is it all dawning on you now? Because I never had time for it to dawn on me before.
I was too busy trying to shoulder you into a good place.
Well, you made me give you all the burden.
I know, but because of that, I never had a moment, not one moment, to say, "holy crap.
What's happening to us?" You know what? I'm saying it now.
Holy crap.
What's happening to us? We're having a baby, and it's gonna be ok.
Oh, shut up.
I'm serious.
It is.
Why are you so sure now? Because of you.
Me? Mmm-hmm.
Watching you these last couple of weeks, seeing what you're willing to put yourself through for me, for our family, I just realized, you know, because we have you, we're--we're gonna be ok.
I am pretty amazing, huh? Hey, I let you get me pregnant, right? Only 7 or 8 guys could say that.
So you really--really think we can pull this off? I do, but you know what? You have to You have to give me some of the burden back.
No, no.
It's--it's-- I don't-- it's in the car.
I don't believe it is.
No.
I don't have it.
I don't have it on me.
You give it to me! Give it to me.
Give it to me right now.
Stop it! Leave me alone.
Give me the burden.
Give me the burden.
Come on, baby.
I'll come back.
[Doorbell ringing.]
Huh.
You, uh, you expecting someone? No, I canceled both my lovers when I let you move back in.
[Laughing.]
Good one.
Hey, man.
Hey, deac.
Hey, kel.
Hey, Spence.
It's, uh, it's a little late.
What's up? Oh, well, you had some t-shirts in the wash when you left.
I thought you might need them.
Um, I'm all out of snuggle, so those might be a little rougher than you're used to.
Thanks, man, you didn't have to do this, though.
Well, I felt kind of bad with the way we left things.
No, no.
Don't be silly, man.
Kicking me out was the best thing that could've happened.
Kelly and I are doing great now.
Are you? Yeah.
Well, that's good.
Anything else, or Uh, no, I just dropped by with the t-shirts and a how-do.
All right, well, I guess I'll catch you at coopers, all right? You got it.
All right, good night, man.
(Doug) Carrie! Wife? Wife! Wifey! [Imitating Jerry lewis.]
Wifey-lady person-thingie, hello! Here you are.
Check this out.
It's called a receiving blanket, and apparently, it's perfect for "swaddling our precious new baby.
" Now all we have to do is learn how to swaddle.
[Clears throat.]
What's the matter? We're not going to be needing that.
What are you I felt weird, so I went back to the doctor.
I, um I, uh-- I lost it.
Oh.
[Doug sighs.]
So are--are you ok? It's funny, you know, the other day at the doctor we were both in a good place about this for the first time.
And and now [Carrie sniffling.]
[Hammering.]
Oh, that's it, Artie.
The dream has become a reality.
Never thought I'd live to see it.
Thank you, Douglas.
You did a wonderful job.
Looks good, right? And I want to apologize once again for the cement incident.
Look, hey, we caught it before anybody ate any.
That's the main thing.
So, uh, how's Carrie doing? She's--she's doing all right.
You know? I guess the good thing that came of all this is we know that we really want to have a baby, so we're going to keep trying.
That's the spirit.
Don't let the bastards get you down.
I'm not sure what bastards you mean, but thank you.
(Carrie) Doug, everyone's here.
Come on! Hey, uh, we're going to the movies, Arthur.
You want to come with us? No, thanks, Douglas.
I think I'll stay home tonight.
Think I'll stay home.
Enjoy.
(Doug) Ok, people, let's go eat a dangerous amount of milk duds.
Sweetie, you should've brought a jacket.
You'll get cold.
I'll be all right.
You always say that and you wind up cold.
Honey, I'll be fine.
[Clears throat.]
I'll keep the couch free.
[Toilet flushing.]
(Arthur) Now that's livin'.
[Music playing.]