Home Improvement s03e25 Episode Script

Oh, man, I can't believe it.
What's the matter? I still haven't reached my fundraising goal for the library.
Where am I gonna get another thousand dollars? Well, you could pay the fine on that library book I've had out for seven years.
I'm almost done with it.
If I could just reach this fundraising goal I'd be out of the fundraising business forever.
No more kissing up to people, planning stupid events.
I'd be a whole different person.
Forget the book, I got the grand right here.
What's that supposed to mean? Honey, snookums.
Loverbuns, come on.
This fundraising doesn't actually bring out the best in you.
You've been almost as unbearable as you were during childbirth.
I'd like to see how pleasant you'd be giving birth.
Hey.
I'd be huge giving birth.
Cracking jokes, doing impressions.
"Look, sumo man.
Look at me, look at me.
" I would cut the umbilical cord with Binford 6100 hedge clippers.
(chopping sounds) Great way for baby to begin life, seeing you coming at him with hedge clippers.
Hey, come on, help me out.
Where am I gonna get this money? Have a bake sale.
Get your cupcakes to everybody.
Once the nausea sets in, just grab their wallet.
How do you think I got the last thousand? Know how they have those studly celebrity auctions? We could do that on Tool Time.
Sure.
People would pay a lot of money to have a handsome tool guy stop by and fix stuff.
Do you think Al would do that? You auction me off, you raise all the money you need for the library, have money left over for a turbocharged four-wheel drive bookmobile.
Why would the library need a turbocharged bookmobile? Speed reading courses.
What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? Welcome to Tool Time.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
(applause) Well, today's your chance to take home TV's top tool man for an entire day.
That's right.
One lucky bidder will be able to take home me.
I should mention that it's for a very worthy cause.
Let's bring out our guest auctioneer with a big round of applause.
This woman's enjoyed my tool expertise for the last 15 years.
Big warm Tool Time welcome for Jill "The Tool Wife" Taylor! Honey, come on.
Thank you.
I should mention that all the proceeds from the auction today go to the Detroit Public Library.
Should we start the bidding? Yeah.
Actually, before you start the bidding, I have a surprise entry for the auction.
Surprise? Yes.
I think it'll bring in quite a tidy sum.
Let's have a warm welcome for the tool man that needs no introduction.
The grand master of tools, Mr.
Bob Vila.
Bob Vila! This is so exciting.
I'm bursting.
Hi, Tim.
Hey, Bob.
Welcome to Tool Time.
This is Tim's lovely wife, Jill.
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
It's a thrill.
Likewise.
It's a pleasure.
Bob, what brings you to Detroit? I just showed my hot rod at the custom car show over at Cobo Hall.
You built a hot rod? Actually, I had it built by some experts.
I built my own.
That's nice, Tim.
But mine actually runs.
Could we? Tool show? Cable television? Sorry.
Right.
Why don't we start our auction off by bidding on our good friend Bob Vila? Step up here, Bob.
OK.
Please bear with my wife, this is the first time she's ever been an auctioneer.
I'm gonna open the bidding at one hundred dollars.
One hundred dollars.
I got a hundred, do I hear a hundred and a quarter? Two hundred.
Two hundred from the lady in the denim.
Do I hear three hundred, three hundred? Talk to me, talk to me, swing, batter, swing.
Come on, people.
Stop sitting on your hands.
This is big Bob Vila, the man who's the reason why men like my husband have a job.
Seven hundred.
Woohoo! Seven hundred! Seven hundred, seven hundred, seven hundred, going once, going twice Sold for seven hundred smackeroonies to the man with the wonderful smile.
Hope you're very happy with your tool man.
I'm telling you, seven hundred dollars Seven hundred dollars is a lot of money, but he is worth it.
Petty cash.
Wait till you see what I go for.
Sit down, Bob.
All right, ladies and germs, you now have the chance to bid on the toast of Tool Time, the host of Tool Time, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
I'll open the bidding at one hundred dollars.
A hundred, a hundred, a hundred A hundred.
A hundred dollars! Do I hear two hundred dollars, two hundred, two hundred? Just remember this man will do to your house what he does here every day.
Maybe we should auction off some homeowners' insurance first.
Come on, people, I got a hundred dollars.
Do I hear one-fifty, one-fifty, one-fifty? Guy in the back.
Two hundred, he says.
I didn't see a hand.
He's got gloves on.
OK, we have two hundred.
Do I hear three hundred? Somebody give me three hundred.
Anybody give me three hundred, anybody, anybody.
Nobody.
All right.
I bid three hundred dollars.
You can't bid, you're the auctioneer.
It's my auction and I'll bid if I want to.
Three hundred dollars.
Going once, going twice.
Going home with me for three hundred dollars.
Wait, you put the gavel down too fast.
The guy in the back.
Speak up, sir.
How can I get tickets to Bob Vila's show? Hi, guys, I'm home.
I said I'm home.
How'd the auction go? Put a gavel in my hand, I come alive.
So, did you raise a lot of money? We raised all of it.
It was great.
Bob Vila showed up and the bidding went wild.
How'd dad do? Good.
Real good.
In fact, he was bought by a very attractive woman.
How much did you pay for him? Doesn't matter how much I paid for him.
How much did Bob Vila go for? It's not important.
Vila kicked his butt, huh? You might say that.
Just don't say it in front of your father.
And I mean it, Randy.
Hi, guys.
Why you looking at me like that? 'Cause Bob Vila kicked my butt again? Well, since the ice is broken That must have been pretty embarrassing, huh, Dad? Thank you, honey.
He brought it up.
Boys, go wash up.
(Randy) All right.
So.
I'm gonna cook dinner.
You want some chicken? Nah.
How about a little piece of Vila, pounded real thin? Tim, will you get over it? This guy beats me at everything I do.
Last year the lawnmower race, the auction.
What's next? Look.
The important thing is the library got all the money that we needed.
I'd just like to beat him at one thing.
Ice skating, skeet shooting.
Bobsledding.
Oh, forget that.
They probably named it after him.
Thank you, Al.
Oh, no, thank you, Bob.
It was the thrill of a lifetime.
What'd you guys do? Go to Beards R Us? No.
Bob took me for a ride in his new hot rod.
It's unbelievable.
He has a turbocharged two-liter engine with 370 horsepower.
And the whole body is made out of aluminum.
Big deal.
My whole hot rod body is made out of fiberglass.
And we all know how fast fiber makes you move.
Tim, from what I hear, your hot rod's not even running.
Maybe you haven't heard right, Bob.
I've gotta go.
I've gotta have my hot rod in Grosse Point at ten.
Bob, it's 9:45.
You're never gonna make that.
Your hot rod couldn't.
Mine can.
Are you suggesting your hot rod can beat my hot rod? If the brake shoe fits Wait a minute, wait.
That's it.
Why don't we race our hot rods? Meet me at that old airport, the military one on I-94, tomorrow.
You're on.
OK.
We'll tape it for Tool Time, so the audience can watch me kick your tailpipes right back to That Old House.
Tim, the show I do now is called Home Again.
OK, Bob.
Kick your tailpipes Home Again.
We'll see about that.
All right.
Now we just gotta check the oil.
How's it look? It's hard to see.
That's 'cause it's clean.
That oil's so clean, you add a little oregano and vinegar, you got a salad dressing.
Dad, after we get it started, can we go for a ride? No, we got a few more adjustments on the carbs to make, then timing again.
But we can start it.
Who wants to do it? (both) I do.
Too bad.
My car.
(clicking) Good work, Dad.
It's so quiet, you can't even tell it's running.
It's the solenoid, I think.
Hey, guys.
How's it going? Dad's taking a ride in the hot rod.
Hey, Dad, slow down! Let Mom get in! I'm telling you, please pipe down.
Uh-oh, there's someone on your tail.
Is it Bob Vila? No, it's a little kid on a tricycle.
Would you shut up? Come on, Tim.
He's knocking my car, all right? Hey, boys, go on up to bed.
All right.
If you get it started, wake me up.
Me too.
It's ten o'clock.
He's not gonna go driving around in the middle of the night.
He's not, is he? If he can get it started, he is.
(clicking) Damn! Is it my imagination, or are you a bit on edge tonight? How would you feel if your solenoid was stuck? First I'd cry, and then I'd want to know what a solenoid is.
It makes the car start.
Everybody knows that, Jill.
Oh, come on, Tim.
'Cause you can't get the car started is no reason to jump all over me, or Randy.
I'm sorry, honey, but I'm in a race tomorrow and the car won't start.
Why not call Bob and ask him if you can race him on Sunday? I told him the car was running.
Why did you do that? I don't know.
Why does sauerkraut go through me like a laser beam? I need to get a new solenoid.
I've got to find an auto parts store that's open 24 hours.
Well, what can I do to help? Get a hammer Yeah? and four big nails.
Yeah? Go to Bob's hotel and puncture all his tires.
Got it, I got the All right, starter's on.
Now, if you just hold it up.
Will do.
Tim, hand me that nine-16ths socket.
Really appreciate your coming over so late to help.
No problem, Tim.
I was already up feeding my bats.
Here you go.
Thank you, neighbor Tim.
A few turns of this ratchet, and we'll have this starter problem fixed.
Wilson, I don't know how I got into this mess.
It's taken me three years, three years, to get this rod perfect.
Since I challenged Vila, I gotta race it and it's not even broken in yet.
Well, sounds like you didn't think before you challenged him.
How would you like it if you were in an auction and some other neighbor behind a fence made 400 more dollars than you? Well, Tim, I'd be hi-de-hurt.
That's how I felt.
I started doubting myself you know? I felt worthless.
Well, Tim, it's been said that when a foot compares itself to a yard it always comes up short.
So you're saying that Vila's the yard, and I'm the foot, and he's better than me, right? Well, only if you perceive him as being better.
OK.
A philosopher once said, "If you place a small value on yourself, rest assured the world will not raise your price.
" But if I believe in myself I could win this.
No, no, no, Tim.
If you believe in yourself you've already won.
The moment we've all been waiting for.
The moment when you drag us out of bed at 5:30 in the morning? No.
I unveil the hot rod, we take a little spin.
All right.
Let's do it.
I want to thank a few people first, if I could, OK? All right.
Bradley, I want to thank you most of all, 'cause you spent more time on the hot rod with me than anybody.
So if something goes wrong tomorrow, I'm blaming you.
That sounds fair.
Mark, thanks for all your help.
Thank you.
And Randy, what can I say? You're definitely one of my sons.
Thanks, Dad.
Honey, I thank you the most because you didn't get jealous, even though I spent more time with the hot rod than with you.
Oh, I didn't mind that.
I just didn't like it when you got us mixed up and tried to rotate my legs.
You get better mileage now.
All right, everybody stand back.
Hello! Honey, it looks so beautiful.
All right, hop in.
Let's go for a ride.
Wait.
We're in our pajamas here.
All right.
Go get some coats, come on.
Move, move, we're not gonna wait forever.
Come on! What are you waiting for? Something to explode? No.
You don't want to go for a ride, do you? I want to go for a ride.
I just want to tell you that your car looks great.
And? And that I think you can beat Bob Vila tomorrow.
Really? I sure hope so.
A great philosopher said once, "If your feet are short, and you don't raise your prices, you're destined for yard sales.
" Anyway, my money's on you.
I mean, you got a 350 V8 and 500 pounds of torque in this puppy.
Uh? Randy, you're starting to sound like me.
(deep voice) Oh, no, don't want that.
Yeah, you do.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Oh, ho, ho, yeah I'm getting in the shotgun seat.
Mark, you get up here with me.
Watch the paint when you step there.
Randy, here's a jacket for you.
Seatbelts, everybody.
All right? Wow! Come on in.
Put your seatbelt on here.
Locked in, everybody? Almost.
All right, Taylor family.
Drumroll for me.
Just start the car.
All right.
(engine starts) Hi, everybody.
We're on location at the airport to talk about aerodynamics.
No, we're not.
We're here so Tim can settle a grudge with Bob Vila.
In an aerodynamical sort of way.
Welcome to Tool Time's first annual quarter-mile drags.
Speaking of a drag, you all know my assistant Al Borland.
Our drivers today are Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and he will be driving a 1933 Ford roadster.
And driving one of the premier coupes of our time, is one of the premier tool men of our time, Bob Vila.
I'll wait for you at the finish line.
I'll be there with your second-place trophy.
I doubt that.
Good luck, guys.
I don't need luck, I just need my car to start.
Heidi, my helmet, please.
Here you go, Tim.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
(engine starts) Go, Tim! Gee, he's really keeping up with him.
Honey, you OK? Sure.
Don't just stand there, grab a rag.
You seem to be taking this loss to Bob Vila pretty well.
Maybe I don't think it's a loss.
I like it when you're deluded.
You're much easier to deal with.
I'm just saying I think I could have beat him.
How do you mean that? We were neck and neck.
If I'd pushed it to the redline, I could've gone right by him.
Why didn't you? Well, honey, it's a new motor.
I didn't break it in.
I didn't want to risk blowing the thing up.
Are you saying you let him win? I'm saying Bob bought his hot rod.
I put three years into this, I built this thing.
I'm not gonna risk wrecking it over some stupid race.
I'm real proud of you.
Well, you know what they say.
"Spare the rod, to heck with Bob.
" You are getting very mature in your old age.
Ah, you can't stay young forever, honey.
Hey.
What do you say We pop ourselves into the rumble seat and make out like we used to? Cool.
Let's see here.
All right.
Wait a minute.
I gotta spit out my gum.
You are getting very mature in your old age.
Ah, you can't stay young forever, honey.
That's true.
Hey, what do you say we hop ourselves into the