King of the Hill s03e25 Episode Script
As Old as the Hills... (Part 1)
1 LISTEN, GUYS, I SENT THE CARDS OUT ABOUT A MONTH AGO FOR OUR 20th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY BARBECUE, AND, WELL PEGGY IS KIND OF A STICKLER FOR THOSE THINGS SO I'M GOING TO NEED YOUR RSVPs.
YUP.
YUP.
MM-HMM.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
SO IT'S OFFICIAL.
ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE HER CHINA? 20th ANNIVERSARY'S CHINA.
MY MARRIAGE ONLY MADE IT TO WOOD.
NO, BUT AFTER THE PARTY LUANNE'S GOING CAMPING WITH FRIENDS AND BOBBY'S GOING TO MY DAD'S.
THAT MEANS PEGGY AND I WILL HAVE THE WHOLE WEEKEND TO OURSELVES.
SO I, UH, WON'T BE IN THE ALLEY AS MUCH.
20 YEARS.
IF YOUR MARRIAGE WERE A MURDERER IT'D PROBABLY BE OUT BY NOW.
( phone ringing ) HELLO? OH, HI, TRACY.
MMM, MY AUNT IS SO HAPPY I'M GOING CAMPING WITH YOU.
SHE AND UNCLE HANK ARE GOING TO GET SO BUSY.
WHAT? DO THEY EXPECT THE FOREST FIRE TO LAST THE WHOLE WEEKEND? ( whimpering ) BYE.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY, HONEY? MM-HMM.
OH, YEAH.
( nervous giggling ) YEAH, THEY JUST, UH, PHONED TO, UM REMIND ME TO, UH BRING AN EXTRA CAN OF GRAVY.
( nervous chuckling ) BOBBY, MY CAMPING TRIP'S BEEN CANCELED AND THE SHELTER SAYS I HAVE TO BE BATTERED TO STAY THERE SO, UM COULD I GO WITH YOU TO COTTON'S? NO WAY.
THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE FOR GRANDPA TO SPOIL ME BEFORE THE BABY'S BORN.
YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM.
HE'S MINE.
AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.
YES, HE DOES-- I'M MISSY MELONS.
REMEMBER, THESE BABY CLOTHES ARE JUST ON LOAN UNTIL I GET PREGNANT WITH MY SECOND CHILD.
MAYBE THIS WEEKEND.
IT IS SO UNFAIR THAT YOUR EGGS ARE ROTTEN.
WELL, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, MY EGGS ARE JUST FINE.
IT'S HANK'S NARROW URETHRA THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
ALTHOUGH, NO ONE'S TO BLAME.
NO, I'M JUST STATING A FACT.
HEY, HEY! HEY, OW! I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAS TO HANK AND PEGGY HILL BILLY.
HA! THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED 20 YEARS.
THAT A LONG TIME.
MINH AND I ONLY BEEN MARRIED 13 YEARS BUT IT'S QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY THAT MATTER.
LAST YEAR, ON OUR ANNIVERSARY MINH AND I BUNGEE JUMP OFF ROUTE 74 BRIDGE! ( voice breaking ): I LOVE YOU, MINH SOUPHANOUSINPHONE.
I LOVE YOU, KAHN SOUPHANOUSINPHONE.
OH YOU GUYS DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
I KNOW, BUT NANCY SAID WE DID.
HEH.
THEY'RE CANES.
READ THE CARD.
OKAY.
"FOR WHEN THE HILLS ARE OVER THE HILL.
" ( Dale chuckling ) GET IT? YOUR LAST NAME'S HILL.
MM-HMM.
THERE'S NOT MUCH TO GET, IS THERE? OKAY, EVERYBODY, LET'S SETTLE DOWN.
NOW THIS IS NOT MY AWARD-WINNING THE HISTORY OF PROPANE SLIDE SHOW BUT IT'S THE NEXT BEST THING-- MY MARRIAGE TO MRS.
PEGGY HILL.
I CALL IT 20 YEARS OF OUTSTANDING SERVICE.
OH HANK.
( music playing ) HERE WE SEE THE EARLY YEARS, WHEN OUR FIRST HOME WAS AN EFFICIENCY APARTMENT.
ALTHOUGH, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE EFFICIEN IF IT WAS HEATED WITH PROPANE.
HEH.
Peggy: OUR BED WAS OUR ONLY PIECE OF FURNITURE AND IT WAS ALL WE NEEDED.
YUP, 'CAUSE IT CONVERTED INTO A COUCH.
BOBBY'S HEAD PRETTY MUCH REGAINED ITS SHAPE AND PEGGY PRETTY MUCH REGAINED HER SHAPE, TOO.
( chuckling ) SERIOUSLY THAT WAS THE DAY BOBBY WAS BORN.
AND HERE'S PEGGY AND ME WHOOPING IT UP AT THE YOUNG GASSERS BALL.
( frustrated groaning ) SLIDE SHOW LONGER THAN DAMN MARRIAGE.
( all laughing ) Hank: IS THIS HANK AND PEGGY HILL 20 YEARS FROM NOW? I HOPE SO BECAUSE I WOULDN'T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY.
HERE'S TO 20 MORE YEARS OF OUTSTANDING SERVICE.
( scattered applause ) WELL, I HAVE SUMMARIZED OUR MARRIAGE IN A DIFFERENT FASHION THAT I HOPE YOU WILL FIND NO LESS PLEASING.
I BEGIN.
"WE PLANTED OUR SEED A LONG TIME AGO "AND FOR 20 YEARS, WE'VE WATCHED IT GROW "INTO A BEAUTIFUL GARDEN OF GIVE AND TAKE "AND NOW IT'S TIME TO CUT THE CAKE "BUT "BEFORE WE DO, I'D LIKE TO SAY ( Didi squeals ) "I WOULD LIKE TO SAY "I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE TODAY OOH! "TO SHARE WITH US THE BABY KICKED MY INSIDES.
IT PUTS ON QUITE A SHOW WHEN IT GETS GOING.
DIDI SHOW THEM YOUR GAS TANK.
THIS ONE'S BUSTING TO GET OUT.
NOT LIKE HANK-- NEVER MOVED ONCE WHILE HE WAS IN THERE.
NOT EVEN BORN, AND HE ALREADY GIVE UP.
WELL, I'M LEAVING FOR THE WEEKEND.
GOT MY GRAVY.
OKAY, WHERE TO? ANYWHERE BUT HERE.
NOT THE DRESS BARN-- I BOUNCED A CHECK.
OR THE NAIL SALON FOR THE SAME REASON.
BYE.
TAKE A GOOD LOOK BECAUSE THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME I'LL BE SPOILED ROTTEN! ALL RIGHT! Bobby: HEY, GUYS.
JUST LETTING YOU KNOW IF YOU DO SERVE ICE CREAM FOR DINNER I WON'T TELL.
BOBBY, THIS AIN'T NO BASKIN-ROBBINS VACATION! DIDI'S WITH CHILD.
SHE'S USELESS.
NOW, YOU CAN START BY CLEANING THE BACK OF MY EARS.
Hank ( sighing ): WELL, THAT WAS GREAT.
WE RAN OUT OF POTATO SALAD AND MEAT AT THE SAME TIME.
PERFECT.
I THOUGHT MY SLIDE SHOW WENT OVER PRETTY BIG.
( chuckles ) ALL IN ALL, A PRETTY GOOD DAY.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, PEGGY.
UH, DON'T WAKE ME UP WHEN YOU COME IN.
( sobbing ) LOOK, IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE MESS YOU CAN CLEAN IT UP LATER.
( sobbing louder ) ( sobbing ) IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT BOBBY HE'S GOING TO BE FINE AT COTTON'S.
IT'S JUST A WEEKEND.
I HAD TO SURVIVE A WHOLE CHILDHOOD.
( voice breaking ): HANK, WE'RE OLD.
OH PEGGY, THAT WAS JUST A JOKE SLIDE ALTHOUGH THE FOTOMAT DID MAKE YOU LOOK OLDER THAN ME.
NO.
IT'S NOT THE JOKE SLIDE, HANK.
THE JOKE SLIDE WAS FUNNY, OKAY? IT'S ALL THE OTHER SLIDES.
I SAW A YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE, AND I DID NOT RECOGNIZE THEM.
I MEAN, HANK, WE LOOKED LIKE STRANGERS-- STRANGERS WHO STOLE OUR GLASSES AND OUR HAIR.
WELL, I ASSURE YOU IT WAS US.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT YOUNG COUPLE WITH THEIR DREAMS OF INVENTING A STEAK SAUCE AND GETTING RICH, OR OR TAKING A TRAIN TO ALASKA? THAT COUPLE JUST GREW UP AND REALIZED THERE WAS TOO MUCH COMPETITION AMONG EXISTING STEAK SAUCES.
WE DID OURSELVES A FAVOR BY ABANDONING THOSE DREAMS, PEGGY.
WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST STAR USING THOSE CANES THAT DALE GAVE US AND WE COULD BASH OURSELVES OVER THE HEADS AND BE DONE WITH IT.
LOOK, PEGGY, WE'VE BOTH BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND.
THE KIDS ARE OUT OF THE HOUSE.
WE'VE RENTED AN R-RATED MOVIE UH-HUH.
WE'LL FRY UP SOME JIFFY POP UH-HUH.
WHAT MOVIE DID YOU RENT? PLATOON.
( whispering ): LADYBIRD IT'S ME, LUANNE.
( growling ) ( whimpering ) HERE YOU GO.
GO CRAZY.
GOOD GIRL.
YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YES! Cotton: COME ON, BOBBY-- IN HERE.
THIS IS THE BABY'S ROOM.
DECORATED IT MYSELF.
YOU SEE THIS PICTURE? THAT'S ME BEFORE I HAD MY SHINS BLOWN OFF.
WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE HOLDING? HEAD OF A NAZZY.
OH, NO IT'S A CANTEEN.
Hank: HEY, JIM, I'M LOOKING FOR A NICE RESTAURAN TO TAKE MY WIFE TO FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.
THERE'S THAT REVOLVING RESTAURANT IN McMAYNERBURY.
IT GOT A SEVEN IN THE AUTO GUIDE.
A SEVEN.
WOW.
WHY DON'T I GET MY HIGHLIGHTER AND THROW TOGETHER A TRIPTIK FOR YOU.
NOW, UH, YOU WANT THE DIRECT ROUTE OR THE SCENIC? MOST FOLKS TELL ME THE EXTRA FIVE MINUTES IS WORTH IT.
UH DIRECT.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU CAN SEE ALL OF McMAYNERBURY.
HUH.
THERE'S THAT AUTO MALL THEY'RE ALWAYS BRAGGING ABOUT.
AND IN ABOUT 30 MINUTES WE WILL BE FACING THE SUNSET.
HI.
CAN I GET YOU FOLKS ANYTHING TO DRINK? OH, YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER TRIED A SINGAPORE SLING.
I THINK THAT HAS ALCOHOL IN IT, PEGGY.
UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO BE THE DESIGNATED DRIVER.
HANK, THIS NIGHT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPECIAL.
OKAY.
I WON'T HAVE MY BEER, THEN.
NO.
I WON'T HAVE ANYTHING.
WELL MAYBE WE CAN BOTH DRINK.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH? I'LL JUST HAVE WATER, THANK YOU.
I'LL HAVE A BEER.
Man: Vaya con Dios.
( gunshots ) ( door opening ) ( whimpering ) THAT RESTAURANT WAS NO SEVEN.
LOOK, I DIDN'T KNOW THE RESTAURANT ONLY REVOLVES AT LUNCH.
YOU KNOW, THAT DIDN'T SEEM TO STOP ANYBODY ELSE FROM HAVING FUN.
WELL, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE THEY WERE ALLOWED TO DRINK, HANK.
I SEE.
THAT'S A SHOT AT ME.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL MAKE YOU THAT SINGAPORE SLING YOU WANTED.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
I WANT TEQUILA.
( gasping ) HOO-YEAH! ( gasping ) THAT WAS FUN.
HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN A LONG TIME.
LESS TALK, MORE LIMES.
( slurring words ): HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABY GOT YOU ON MY MIND.
THAT LITTLE RIVER BAND SURE WAS GOOD.
( slurring words ): YEP.
THEY WERE A REAL SEVEN.
WILL YOU JUST LET THAT GO, WILL YA? JUST ENJOY THE MUSIC.
THERE'S NO MUSIC, HANK.
ALL THERE IS IS THE SOUND OF AN EMPTY HOUSE.
( whirring ) ( whimpering ) WHAT WAS THAT? JUST THE SOUND OF ALL THE CHILDREN WE NEVER HAD.
I COULDN'T GIVE THEM TO YOU, PEGGY.
IT'S MY FAULT.
I HAVE A NARROW URETHRA.
YES, I DO.
THIS IS MY URETHRA.
( blowing ) NOTHING.
I RAN THE 40 IN 5.
9 SECONDS BUT MY FELLAS HAVEN'T REACHED THE END ZONE IN 12 YEARS.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW? WELL, I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I SHOULD'VE DONE A LONG TIME AGO.
HERE I GO.
PEGGY, WAIT.
( groaning ) HOLD ON.
WHY ARE YOU THROWING OUT THE BABY STUFF? I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO GIVE IT TO DIDI.
SHE DOESN'T NEED OUR BABY STUFF.
SHE HAS A BABY.
NO, PEGGY.
I'M THE ONE THAT DESERVES TO BE THROWN OUT.
HANK, DON'T GO IN THERE WITHOUT ME.
( groans ) YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR SOME PANCAKES? Cotton: BOBBY, GET IN HERE.
BOBBY, THIS IS TOPSY.
TOPSY BABY-SAT YOUR DADDY WHEN HE WAS A BOY AND HE'S GOING TO BABY-SIT YOUR UNCLE, TOO.
I NEED THE MONEY.
MM-HMM.
YOU'RE THE AU PAIR THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT? COME HERE, SON, SO I CAN GET A GOOD LOOK AT YOU.
Cotton: GO ON, BOBBY.
LET TOPSY GET A LOOK AT YOU.
OKAY.
I'M NOT GOING TO BITE YOU.
HE CAN'T.
HAD ALL HIS TEETH YANKED OUT OF HIS HEAD 'CAUSE THEY WAS GREEN.
GET A LITTLE CLOSER.
MY EYES AIN'T AS GOOD AS THEY USED TO BE.
TOPSY'S LEGALLY BLIND.
( sharp inhale ) ( screams ) ( laughing ) DO IT AGAIN, TOPSY.
COULD YOU PLEASE NOT USE THE TURN SIGNALS? I'M NOT USING THE TURN SIGNALS.
THAT'S THE VEIN IN THE SIDE OF YOUR HEAD POUNDING.
WELL, I DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER YET.
DO YOU? WAIT TILL YOU HAVE THE HOTCAKES.
HAIR OF THE DOG.
PELO DE PERRO.
YOU KNOW, PEGGY, I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE COULD DO SOME TRAVELING.
MAYBE TAKE THAT TRIP TO ALASKA AFTER ALL.
OH, I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE SPAIN OR AUSTRALIA.
OH, WHO ARE WE KIDDING, HANK? WE CAN'T GO ANYWHERE.
NOT UNTIL LADYBIRD DIES AND BOBBY MOVES OUT OF THE HOUSE.
HANK, LOOK.
HUH.
LET'S DO THAT.
DO WHAT? PARACHUTE.
KAHN AND MINH BUNGEE JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE.
WHY CAN'T WE JUMP OUT OF A PLANE? KAHN AND MINH ARE NUTS.
I HAVE GIVEN YOU 20 YEARS OF OUTSTANDING SERVICE, HANK.
I DON'T KNOW LOOK, WE FELL ASLEEP IN A GARBAGE CAN LAST NIGHT.
YOU WANT THAT TO BE THE HIGHLIGHT OF OUR 20th ANNIVERSARY? Cotton: DIDI WOMAN, LIGHT ME A CIGAR.
I HOPE HE TREATS THE BABY BETTER THAN HE TREATS YOU.
OH, HE WILL, BOBBY UNTIL THE BABY CROSSES HIM.
DIDI WOMAN, WHERE'S MY LUNCH? A MAN COULD STARVE TO DEATH WAITING FOR YOU TO SERVE HIM.
I'M GOING TO THE BOTTOMLESS PI TO WATCH SOME NAKED WOMENS DANCE WHILE I EAT.
Woman: And we're closed on Thursdays.
Okay? Happy landings.
HAPPY LANDINGS TO YOU TOO.
SO WHAT'D THEY SAY? WELL, THEY'RE ALL BOOKED UP FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH.
( relieved sigh ) BUT THEY HAVE A COUPLE OF SPOTS OPEN TODAY.
GERONIMO.
WHERE'S THAT SOCK? Didi: COTTON'S GRANDSON ( exasperated groan ) COMING.
GREAT.
I JUST TOOK THOSE OUT OF THE DRYER.
WHERE'D ALL THIS WATER COME FROM? BOBBY, MY WATER BROKE.
IT MEANS THE BABY'S ALMOST DONE.
NOW? SOON.
YOU HAVE TO PHONE COTTON.
I DON'T KNOW THE NUMBER FOR THE BOTTOMLESS PIT.
IT'S NUMBER ONE ON THE SPEED DIAL.
AND NUMBER THREE.
BOBBY, THIS BETTER BE GOOD.
THE NEXT GAL UP PLAYS PING-PONG WITHOUT A PADDLE.
Didi's going to have the baby.
WE'LL MEET YOU AT THE HOSPITAL.
But Didi can't drive and you took all the money COME ON, TOPSY.
LET'S ROLL.
WHICH WAY IS THE HOUSTON HOSPITAL? I'M NOT SURE.
PULL OVER AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE DRIVING THIS CAR.
( groans ) I KNOW WHERE THE ARLEN HOSPITAL IS.
IT'S TWO HOURS AWAY.
CAN YOU HOLD IT IN? ( Didi groaning ) GO AROUND! PLEASE, GO AROUND! I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING.
PUT IT ON CRUISE CONTROL AND STAND ON THE SEAT.
THAT'S WHAT COTTON DOES WHEN WE PASS AN ACCIDENT.
I CAN'T.
THE RED LIGHT KEEPS TELLING ME TO BRAKE.
( groans ) I THINK YOU NEED TO RELEASE THE PARKING BRAKE.
AW, FART.
YOU'RE ALL HERE FOR DIFFERENT REASONS AND PERSONALLY, I DON'T CARE WHAT THOSE REASONS ARE.
YOU'LL ALL BE JOINED TOGETHER BY THE ONE THING I DO CARE ABOUT-- PARACHUTING.
YOU HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED ANYTHING LIKE WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE HERE TODAY.
NOTHING COMES CLOSE-- NOT EVEN SEX.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I LIKE SEX A LOT BUT PARACHUTING IS GOD, IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.
THIS GUY MAY BE ABLE TO SKYDIVE BUT HE SURE CAN'T TEACH WORTH A DAMN.
MM-HMM.
WELL, TEACHING IS MUCH HARDER THAN IT LOOKS.
Excuse me while I kiss the sky! GOOD.
NEXT.
FIRST TIME? YEAH.
YEAH.
ME, TOO.
IT'S OUR 20th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
I'VE WANTED TO DO THIS EVER SINCE I WAS A KID.
I'M A VIRGIN.
WHERE'S MY WIFE? HELLO? OH, DO SOMETHING, TOPSY.
( sharp inhale ) ( screaming ) Cotton: DO SOMETHING ELSE.
( Didi groaning ) COME ON, PICK UP, PICK UP.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER PRIVATES.
SHE'S MY GRANDMOTHER.
( ringing ) ( whimpering ) ( with Greek voice ): JOHNNY'S PIZZA.
GO! ( nervous chuckle ) ( relieved sigh ) OH, MY GOD.
I CAN SEE STRICKLAND PROPANE FROM HERE.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
OKAY OH, NO.
YOU WANT TO JUMP OR NOT? YOU GOT MY CHECK.
WHAT DO YOU CARE? PEGGY, WASN'T THAT AMAZING? WHOO-HOO! YEAH! WE DID IT! MRS.
HILL, YOUR HUSBAND'S ON THE RADIO.
PEGGY, YOU WERE RIGHT.
IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S LIKE SELLING A MILLION GRILLS ALL AT THE SAME TIME WITH THE EXTENDED WARRANTIES.
YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT.
HANK, I I CAN'T.
WE HAVE TO TURN THE PLANE AROUND.
YOU WANT TO JUMP OR NOT? UNCLE HANK, DIDI'S AT THE HOSPITAL! SHE'S HAVING THE BABY RIGHT NOW! OH, MY GOD.
PEGGY, GREAT NEWS.
DIDI'S HAVING THE BABY.
I'M ABOUT TO BE A BROTHER.
WHAT A DAY.
Peggy, can you hear me? YES, HANK.
THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS.
WE WILL BE LANDING IN JUST A FEW MINUTES.
WAIT.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
PEGGY HILL IS GOING TO JUMP.
( yelling ) ( screaming ) HEY! HEY! HEY! THIS IS TERRIFIC! WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO-HOO! ( panting ) Nurse: OH, THE HEAD IS CROWNING.
OH! IT'S GOT HAIR! WHERE ARE YOU GOING, DADDY? DON'T YOU WANT TO CUT THE CORD? THE CORD! PULL THE CORD! WHOO-HOO! OKAY.
YOUR EMERGENCY CORD! HEY! ( screaming ) PEGGY? OH! AND I'M FREE FREE-FALLING YEAH, I'M FREE FREE-FALLING FREE-FALLING NOW I'M FREE-FALLING NOW I'M
YUP.
YUP.
MM-HMM.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
SO IT'S OFFICIAL.
ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE HER CHINA? 20th ANNIVERSARY'S CHINA.
MY MARRIAGE ONLY MADE IT TO WOOD.
NO, BUT AFTER THE PARTY LUANNE'S GOING CAMPING WITH FRIENDS AND BOBBY'S GOING TO MY DAD'S.
THAT MEANS PEGGY AND I WILL HAVE THE WHOLE WEEKEND TO OURSELVES.
SO I, UH, WON'T BE IN THE ALLEY AS MUCH.
20 YEARS.
IF YOUR MARRIAGE WERE A MURDERER IT'D PROBABLY BE OUT BY NOW.
( phone ringing ) HELLO? OH, HI, TRACY.
MMM, MY AUNT IS SO HAPPY I'M GOING CAMPING WITH YOU.
SHE AND UNCLE HANK ARE GOING TO GET SO BUSY.
WHAT? DO THEY EXPECT THE FOREST FIRE TO LAST THE WHOLE WEEKEND? ( whimpering ) BYE.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY, HONEY? MM-HMM.
OH, YEAH.
( nervous giggling ) YEAH, THEY JUST, UH, PHONED TO, UM REMIND ME TO, UH BRING AN EXTRA CAN OF GRAVY.
( nervous chuckling ) BOBBY, MY CAMPING TRIP'S BEEN CANCELED AND THE SHELTER SAYS I HAVE TO BE BATTERED TO STAY THERE SO, UM COULD I GO WITH YOU TO COTTON'S? NO WAY.
THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE FOR GRANDPA TO SPOIL ME BEFORE THE BABY'S BORN.
YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM.
HE'S MINE.
AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.
YES, HE DOES-- I'M MISSY MELONS.
REMEMBER, THESE BABY CLOTHES ARE JUST ON LOAN UNTIL I GET PREGNANT WITH MY SECOND CHILD.
MAYBE THIS WEEKEND.
IT IS SO UNFAIR THAT YOUR EGGS ARE ROTTEN.
WELL, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, MY EGGS ARE JUST FINE.
IT'S HANK'S NARROW URETHRA THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
ALTHOUGH, NO ONE'S TO BLAME.
NO, I'M JUST STATING A FACT.
HEY, HEY! HEY, OW! I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAS TO HANK AND PEGGY HILL BILLY.
HA! THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED 20 YEARS.
THAT A LONG TIME.
MINH AND I ONLY BEEN MARRIED 13 YEARS BUT IT'S QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY THAT MATTER.
LAST YEAR, ON OUR ANNIVERSARY MINH AND I BUNGEE JUMP OFF ROUTE 74 BRIDGE! ( voice breaking ): I LOVE YOU, MINH SOUPHANOUSINPHONE.
I LOVE YOU, KAHN SOUPHANOUSINPHONE.
OH YOU GUYS DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
I KNOW, BUT NANCY SAID WE DID.
HEH.
THEY'RE CANES.
READ THE CARD.
OKAY.
"FOR WHEN THE HILLS ARE OVER THE HILL.
" ( Dale chuckling ) GET IT? YOUR LAST NAME'S HILL.
MM-HMM.
THERE'S NOT MUCH TO GET, IS THERE? OKAY, EVERYBODY, LET'S SETTLE DOWN.
NOW THIS IS NOT MY AWARD-WINNING THE HISTORY OF PROPANE SLIDE SHOW BUT IT'S THE NEXT BEST THING-- MY MARRIAGE TO MRS.
PEGGY HILL.
I CALL IT 20 YEARS OF OUTSTANDING SERVICE.
OH HANK.
( music playing ) HERE WE SEE THE EARLY YEARS, WHEN OUR FIRST HOME WAS AN EFFICIENCY APARTMENT.
ALTHOUGH, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE EFFICIEN IF IT WAS HEATED WITH PROPANE.
HEH.
Peggy: OUR BED WAS OUR ONLY PIECE OF FURNITURE AND IT WAS ALL WE NEEDED.
YUP, 'CAUSE IT CONVERTED INTO A COUCH.
BOBBY'S HEAD PRETTY MUCH REGAINED ITS SHAPE AND PEGGY PRETTY MUCH REGAINED HER SHAPE, TOO.
( chuckling ) SERIOUSLY THAT WAS THE DAY BOBBY WAS BORN.
AND HERE'S PEGGY AND ME WHOOPING IT UP AT THE YOUNG GASSERS BALL.
( frustrated groaning ) SLIDE SHOW LONGER THAN DAMN MARRIAGE.
( all laughing ) Hank: IS THIS HANK AND PEGGY HILL 20 YEARS FROM NOW? I HOPE SO BECAUSE I WOULDN'T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY.
HERE'S TO 20 MORE YEARS OF OUTSTANDING SERVICE.
( scattered applause ) WELL, I HAVE SUMMARIZED OUR MARRIAGE IN A DIFFERENT FASHION THAT I HOPE YOU WILL FIND NO LESS PLEASING.
I BEGIN.
"WE PLANTED OUR SEED A LONG TIME AGO "AND FOR 20 YEARS, WE'VE WATCHED IT GROW "INTO A BEAUTIFUL GARDEN OF GIVE AND TAKE "AND NOW IT'S TIME TO CUT THE CAKE "BUT "BEFORE WE DO, I'D LIKE TO SAY ( Didi squeals ) "I WOULD LIKE TO SAY "I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE TODAY OOH! "TO SHARE WITH US THE BABY KICKED MY INSIDES.
IT PUTS ON QUITE A SHOW WHEN IT GETS GOING.
DIDI SHOW THEM YOUR GAS TANK.
THIS ONE'S BUSTING TO GET OUT.
NOT LIKE HANK-- NEVER MOVED ONCE WHILE HE WAS IN THERE.
NOT EVEN BORN, AND HE ALREADY GIVE UP.
WELL, I'M LEAVING FOR THE WEEKEND.
GOT MY GRAVY.
OKAY, WHERE TO? ANYWHERE BUT HERE.
NOT THE DRESS BARN-- I BOUNCED A CHECK.
OR THE NAIL SALON FOR THE SAME REASON.
BYE.
TAKE A GOOD LOOK BECAUSE THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME I'LL BE SPOILED ROTTEN! ALL RIGHT! Bobby: HEY, GUYS.
JUST LETTING YOU KNOW IF YOU DO SERVE ICE CREAM FOR DINNER I WON'T TELL.
BOBBY, THIS AIN'T NO BASKIN-ROBBINS VACATION! DIDI'S WITH CHILD.
SHE'S USELESS.
NOW, YOU CAN START BY CLEANING THE BACK OF MY EARS.
Hank ( sighing ): WELL, THAT WAS GREAT.
WE RAN OUT OF POTATO SALAD AND MEAT AT THE SAME TIME.
PERFECT.
I THOUGHT MY SLIDE SHOW WENT OVER PRETTY BIG.
( chuckles ) ALL IN ALL, A PRETTY GOOD DAY.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, PEGGY.
UH, DON'T WAKE ME UP WHEN YOU COME IN.
( sobbing ) LOOK, IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE MESS YOU CAN CLEAN IT UP LATER.
( sobbing louder ) ( sobbing ) IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT BOBBY HE'S GOING TO BE FINE AT COTTON'S.
IT'S JUST A WEEKEND.
I HAD TO SURVIVE A WHOLE CHILDHOOD.
( voice breaking ): HANK, WE'RE OLD.
OH PEGGY, THAT WAS JUST A JOKE SLIDE ALTHOUGH THE FOTOMAT DID MAKE YOU LOOK OLDER THAN ME.
NO.
IT'S NOT THE JOKE SLIDE, HANK.
THE JOKE SLIDE WAS FUNNY, OKAY? IT'S ALL THE OTHER SLIDES.
I SAW A YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE, AND I DID NOT RECOGNIZE THEM.
I MEAN, HANK, WE LOOKED LIKE STRANGERS-- STRANGERS WHO STOLE OUR GLASSES AND OUR HAIR.
WELL, I ASSURE YOU IT WAS US.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT YOUNG COUPLE WITH THEIR DREAMS OF INVENTING A STEAK SAUCE AND GETTING RICH, OR OR TAKING A TRAIN TO ALASKA? THAT COUPLE JUST GREW UP AND REALIZED THERE WAS TOO MUCH COMPETITION AMONG EXISTING STEAK SAUCES.
WE DID OURSELVES A FAVOR BY ABANDONING THOSE DREAMS, PEGGY.
WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST STAR USING THOSE CANES THAT DALE GAVE US AND WE COULD BASH OURSELVES OVER THE HEADS AND BE DONE WITH IT.
LOOK, PEGGY, WE'VE BOTH BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND.
THE KIDS ARE OUT OF THE HOUSE.
WE'VE RENTED AN R-RATED MOVIE UH-HUH.
WE'LL FRY UP SOME JIFFY POP UH-HUH.
WHAT MOVIE DID YOU RENT? PLATOON.
( whispering ): LADYBIRD IT'S ME, LUANNE.
( growling ) ( whimpering ) HERE YOU GO.
GO CRAZY.
GOOD GIRL.
YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YES! Cotton: COME ON, BOBBY-- IN HERE.
THIS IS THE BABY'S ROOM.
DECORATED IT MYSELF.
YOU SEE THIS PICTURE? THAT'S ME BEFORE I HAD MY SHINS BLOWN OFF.
WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE HOLDING? HEAD OF A NAZZY.
OH, NO IT'S A CANTEEN.
Hank: HEY, JIM, I'M LOOKING FOR A NICE RESTAURAN TO TAKE MY WIFE TO FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.
THERE'S THAT REVOLVING RESTAURANT IN McMAYNERBURY.
IT GOT A SEVEN IN THE AUTO GUIDE.
A SEVEN.
WOW.
WHY DON'T I GET MY HIGHLIGHTER AND THROW TOGETHER A TRIPTIK FOR YOU.
NOW, UH, YOU WANT THE DIRECT ROUTE OR THE SCENIC? MOST FOLKS TELL ME THE EXTRA FIVE MINUTES IS WORTH IT.
UH DIRECT.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU CAN SEE ALL OF McMAYNERBURY.
HUH.
THERE'S THAT AUTO MALL THEY'RE ALWAYS BRAGGING ABOUT.
AND IN ABOUT 30 MINUTES WE WILL BE FACING THE SUNSET.
HI.
CAN I GET YOU FOLKS ANYTHING TO DRINK? OH, YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER TRIED A SINGAPORE SLING.
I THINK THAT HAS ALCOHOL IN IT, PEGGY.
UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO BE THE DESIGNATED DRIVER.
HANK, THIS NIGHT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPECIAL.
OKAY.
I WON'T HAVE MY BEER, THEN.
NO.
I WON'T HAVE ANYTHING.
WELL MAYBE WE CAN BOTH DRINK.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH? I'LL JUST HAVE WATER, THANK YOU.
I'LL HAVE A BEER.
Man: Vaya con Dios.
( gunshots ) ( door opening ) ( whimpering ) THAT RESTAURANT WAS NO SEVEN.
LOOK, I DIDN'T KNOW THE RESTAURANT ONLY REVOLVES AT LUNCH.
YOU KNOW, THAT DIDN'T SEEM TO STOP ANYBODY ELSE FROM HAVING FUN.
WELL, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE THEY WERE ALLOWED TO DRINK, HANK.
I SEE.
THAT'S A SHOT AT ME.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL MAKE YOU THAT SINGAPORE SLING YOU WANTED.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
I WANT TEQUILA.
( gasping ) HOO-YEAH! ( gasping ) THAT WAS FUN.
HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN A LONG TIME.
LESS TALK, MORE LIMES.
( slurring words ): HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABY GOT YOU ON MY MIND.
THAT LITTLE RIVER BAND SURE WAS GOOD.
( slurring words ): YEP.
THEY WERE A REAL SEVEN.
WILL YOU JUST LET THAT GO, WILL YA? JUST ENJOY THE MUSIC.
THERE'S NO MUSIC, HANK.
ALL THERE IS IS THE SOUND OF AN EMPTY HOUSE.
( whirring ) ( whimpering ) WHAT WAS THAT? JUST THE SOUND OF ALL THE CHILDREN WE NEVER HAD.
I COULDN'T GIVE THEM TO YOU, PEGGY.
IT'S MY FAULT.
I HAVE A NARROW URETHRA.
YES, I DO.
THIS IS MY URETHRA.
( blowing ) NOTHING.
I RAN THE 40 IN 5.
9 SECONDS BUT MY FELLAS HAVEN'T REACHED THE END ZONE IN 12 YEARS.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW? WELL, I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I SHOULD'VE DONE A LONG TIME AGO.
HERE I GO.
PEGGY, WAIT.
( groaning ) HOLD ON.
WHY ARE YOU THROWING OUT THE BABY STUFF? I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO GIVE IT TO DIDI.
SHE DOESN'T NEED OUR BABY STUFF.
SHE HAS A BABY.
NO, PEGGY.
I'M THE ONE THAT DESERVES TO BE THROWN OUT.
HANK, DON'T GO IN THERE WITHOUT ME.
( groans ) YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR SOME PANCAKES? Cotton: BOBBY, GET IN HERE.
BOBBY, THIS IS TOPSY.
TOPSY BABY-SAT YOUR DADDY WHEN HE WAS A BOY AND HE'S GOING TO BABY-SIT YOUR UNCLE, TOO.
I NEED THE MONEY.
MM-HMM.
YOU'RE THE AU PAIR THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT? COME HERE, SON, SO I CAN GET A GOOD LOOK AT YOU.
Cotton: GO ON, BOBBY.
LET TOPSY GET A LOOK AT YOU.
OKAY.
I'M NOT GOING TO BITE YOU.
HE CAN'T.
HAD ALL HIS TEETH YANKED OUT OF HIS HEAD 'CAUSE THEY WAS GREEN.
GET A LITTLE CLOSER.
MY EYES AIN'T AS GOOD AS THEY USED TO BE.
TOPSY'S LEGALLY BLIND.
( sharp inhale ) ( screams ) ( laughing ) DO IT AGAIN, TOPSY.
COULD YOU PLEASE NOT USE THE TURN SIGNALS? I'M NOT USING THE TURN SIGNALS.
THAT'S THE VEIN IN THE SIDE OF YOUR HEAD POUNDING.
WELL, I DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER YET.
DO YOU? WAIT TILL YOU HAVE THE HOTCAKES.
HAIR OF THE DOG.
PELO DE PERRO.
YOU KNOW, PEGGY, I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE COULD DO SOME TRAVELING.
MAYBE TAKE THAT TRIP TO ALASKA AFTER ALL.
OH, I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE SPAIN OR AUSTRALIA.
OH, WHO ARE WE KIDDING, HANK? WE CAN'T GO ANYWHERE.
NOT UNTIL LADYBIRD DIES AND BOBBY MOVES OUT OF THE HOUSE.
HANK, LOOK.
HUH.
LET'S DO THAT.
DO WHAT? PARACHUTE.
KAHN AND MINH BUNGEE JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE.
WHY CAN'T WE JUMP OUT OF A PLANE? KAHN AND MINH ARE NUTS.
I HAVE GIVEN YOU 20 YEARS OF OUTSTANDING SERVICE, HANK.
I DON'T KNOW LOOK, WE FELL ASLEEP IN A GARBAGE CAN LAST NIGHT.
YOU WANT THAT TO BE THE HIGHLIGHT OF OUR 20th ANNIVERSARY? Cotton: DIDI WOMAN, LIGHT ME A CIGAR.
I HOPE HE TREATS THE BABY BETTER THAN HE TREATS YOU.
OH, HE WILL, BOBBY UNTIL THE BABY CROSSES HIM.
DIDI WOMAN, WHERE'S MY LUNCH? A MAN COULD STARVE TO DEATH WAITING FOR YOU TO SERVE HIM.
I'M GOING TO THE BOTTOMLESS PI TO WATCH SOME NAKED WOMENS DANCE WHILE I EAT.
Woman: And we're closed on Thursdays.
Okay? Happy landings.
HAPPY LANDINGS TO YOU TOO.
SO WHAT'D THEY SAY? WELL, THEY'RE ALL BOOKED UP FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH.
( relieved sigh ) BUT THEY HAVE A COUPLE OF SPOTS OPEN TODAY.
GERONIMO.
WHERE'S THAT SOCK? Didi: COTTON'S GRANDSON ( exasperated groan ) COMING.
GREAT.
I JUST TOOK THOSE OUT OF THE DRYER.
WHERE'D ALL THIS WATER COME FROM? BOBBY, MY WATER BROKE.
IT MEANS THE BABY'S ALMOST DONE.
NOW? SOON.
YOU HAVE TO PHONE COTTON.
I DON'T KNOW THE NUMBER FOR THE BOTTOMLESS PIT.
IT'S NUMBER ONE ON THE SPEED DIAL.
AND NUMBER THREE.
BOBBY, THIS BETTER BE GOOD.
THE NEXT GAL UP PLAYS PING-PONG WITHOUT A PADDLE.
Didi's going to have the baby.
WE'LL MEET YOU AT THE HOSPITAL.
But Didi can't drive and you took all the money COME ON, TOPSY.
LET'S ROLL.
WHICH WAY IS THE HOUSTON HOSPITAL? I'M NOT SURE.
PULL OVER AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE DRIVING THIS CAR.
( groans ) I KNOW WHERE THE ARLEN HOSPITAL IS.
IT'S TWO HOURS AWAY.
CAN YOU HOLD IT IN? ( Didi groaning ) GO AROUND! PLEASE, GO AROUND! I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING.
PUT IT ON CRUISE CONTROL AND STAND ON THE SEAT.
THAT'S WHAT COTTON DOES WHEN WE PASS AN ACCIDENT.
I CAN'T.
THE RED LIGHT KEEPS TELLING ME TO BRAKE.
( groans ) I THINK YOU NEED TO RELEASE THE PARKING BRAKE.
AW, FART.
YOU'RE ALL HERE FOR DIFFERENT REASONS AND PERSONALLY, I DON'T CARE WHAT THOSE REASONS ARE.
YOU'LL ALL BE JOINED TOGETHER BY THE ONE THING I DO CARE ABOUT-- PARACHUTING.
YOU HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED ANYTHING LIKE WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE HERE TODAY.
NOTHING COMES CLOSE-- NOT EVEN SEX.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I LIKE SEX A LOT BUT PARACHUTING IS GOD, IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.
THIS GUY MAY BE ABLE TO SKYDIVE BUT HE SURE CAN'T TEACH WORTH A DAMN.
MM-HMM.
WELL, TEACHING IS MUCH HARDER THAN IT LOOKS.
Excuse me while I kiss the sky! GOOD.
NEXT.
FIRST TIME? YEAH.
YEAH.
ME, TOO.
IT'S OUR 20th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
I'VE WANTED TO DO THIS EVER SINCE I WAS A KID.
I'M A VIRGIN.
WHERE'S MY WIFE? HELLO? OH, DO SOMETHING, TOPSY.
( sharp inhale ) ( screaming ) Cotton: DO SOMETHING ELSE.
( Didi groaning ) COME ON, PICK UP, PICK UP.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER PRIVATES.
SHE'S MY GRANDMOTHER.
( ringing ) ( whimpering ) ( with Greek voice ): JOHNNY'S PIZZA.
GO! ( nervous chuckle ) ( relieved sigh ) OH, MY GOD.
I CAN SEE STRICKLAND PROPANE FROM HERE.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
OKAY OH, NO.
YOU WANT TO JUMP OR NOT? YOU GOT MY CHECK.
WHAT DO YOU CARE? PEGGY, WASN'T THAT AMAZING? WHOO-HOO! YEAH! WE DID IT! MRS.
HILL, YOUR HUSBAND'S ON THE RADIO.
PEGGY, YOU WERE RIGHT.
IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S LIKE SELLING A MILLION GRILLS ALL AT THE SAME TIME WITH THE EXTENDED WARRANTIES.
YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT.
HANK, I I CAN'T.
WE HAVE TO TURN THE PLANE AROUND.
YOU WANT TO JUMP OR NOT? UNCLE HANK, DIDI'S AT THE HOSPITAL! SHE'S HAVING THE BABY RIGHT NOW! OH, MY GOD.
PEGGY, GREAT NEWS.
DIDI'S HAVING THE BABY.
I'M ABOUT TO BE A BROTHER.
WHAT A DAY.
Peggy, can you hear me? YES, HANK.
THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS.
WE WILL BE LANDING IN JUST A FEW MINUTES.
WAIT.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
PEGGY HILL IS GOING TO JUMP.
( yelling ) ( screaming ) HEY! HEY! HEY! THIS IS TERRIFIC! WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO-HOO! ( panting ) Nurse: OH, THE HEAD IS CROWNING.
OH! IT'S GOT HAIR! WHERE ARE YOU GOING, DADDY? DON'T YOU WANT TO CUT THE CORD? THE CORD! PULL THE CORD! WHOO-HOO! OKAY.
YOUR EMERGENCY CORD! HEY! ( screaming ) PEGGY? OH! AND I'M FREE FREE-FALLING YEAH, I'M FREE FREE-FALLING FREE-FALLING NOW I'M FREE-FALLING NOW I'M