Roseanne s03e25 Episode Script

1 Jackie, are you in there? Roseanne? I've been honking for 20 minutes.
What's your problem? Oh, the swap meet, right! I'll be right there.
God, your door is open.
Talk about desperate.
Ziggy? Rosie! You big jerk, how long have you been here? I just got in last night.
You're on my leg! Ow! Hey, this is incredible, 'cause we were just talking about you.
Yeah? Yeah.
Me and Dan were watching this James Cagney movie, and just as they were taking him down the prison hall to get electrocuted, Dan goes, "I wonder what Ziggy's up to?" Do we all have to be in the bed? Let's go over to our house.
Dan will freak out when he sees you.
All right, just let me get dressed.
We're done here, right? Why are you sleeping with Ziggy? Haven't you learned anything? Go away! Well, isn't he married or something? He was living with a girl.
She threw him out over a year ago.
Take a hint, Jackie.
I don't want to talk about it now.
We'll talk at the swap meet.
I'm not going to any stupid swap meet when Ziggy's here.
Let's motor.
Hey, Jacks, you coming? Yeah, I'll be along Soon as I find my dignity.
Cool.
So, Ziggy, you seeing anybody? Then I hooked up with a rodeo.
The Zig-man rode the Brahma bull.
No way.
Absolutely.
Three seconds on the bull, two hours on the operating table.
Why the hell would you do something like that? Dan, the Spanish have a word for it.
What is it again Macho Machismo? Tequila.
That's the one.
Maniac.
Pass me the wrench.
Ok, man, your turn now.
What you been up to? Well, not much.
Kids are good, Rosie's great.
I'm paying the bills.
Yeah.
So what do you do for adventure, a little danger? Paying the bills.
Geez.
How'd you ever make it across country on this thing? I didn't.
I just bought this bike, man.
I sold the one I was riding to some doctor for, like, 20 grand.
20 grand.
Did I tell you I just drywalled the space shuttle? You don't believe me? Of course I believe you.
You say you sold the bike for 20 grand, why shouldn't I believe you? Woof! I find these classic bikes that are trashed.
I cherry them out, then when I'm low on cash, I sell them to, like, dentists who think they're bikers.
Man, that's stuff we used to dream about doing when we were growing up.
I couldn't wait that long.
Dad, I'm going to the mall.
Ohh, is that ours? No, it's Ziggy's.
Daddy! Beat it, Darlene.
Say goodbye, Darlene.
Oh Bye-bye.
I don't want her thinking I got this selling drugs.
No sweat.
I'll tell her you robbed a bank.
Thanks, man.
So how are your kids? Oh, they're fine.
They're with their father now.
Huh? They were Jill's kids.
She kicked him out, I moved in.
She kicked me out, he moved back.
I figure, hey, that's life.
Only yours, Ziggy.
I'll tell you, Dan.
I left a piece of my heart in her trailer.
You want another brew? Sure.
I left a piece of my heart in her trailer? I left a piece of my heart in her trailer.
A chunk of my soul in her mobile home I left a piece of my heart in her trailer now I'm riding the road all alone Yee-hah! No, he's a friend of my parents.
He is so cute.
Ok, like, picture Mark, but more mature.
Yeah.
I don't know.
It's like he's got this thing with his eyes, like he knows stuff.
Hey, Beck.
Aah! I I got to go, Dana.
I wasn't talking about you.
Were so.
Hey.
What's going on? Becky's got a crush on me.
I do not! She digs my eyes.
Well, red always was her favorite color.
I got to go.
Sure you don't want me to come with you? Oh, god! That was fun.
Well, don't get all cocky.
She's easy to humiliate.
I have to ask you something, ok? You might think it's weird, but I want to know.
What are your intentions with Jackie? Intentions? I don't know, Mrs.
Conner.
I was going to take her to the sock hop to see if I could score.
She's had a really rough year.
She lost her job and her fiance.
And now, here's Ziggy again.
All right, she's making a comeback.
I know you, Ziggy.
You'll catch the first cocktail waitress out of here.
Come on, what's with the big sister thing? You were right.
The starter's dead.
Let's get a new one.
You got it.
We done? Well, you tell me.
It will be cool.
Don't worry.
What will be cool? Me and Rosie are running away together.
Right.
Like I'd give up Raoul for you.
So, Becky, you did pretty good in eighth grade history, right? Yeah, I aced it.
Yeah, I remember.
You worked your butt off.
I had to.
Yep.
Did you ever make any money off eighth grade history? Darlene, what are you talking about? Would you happen to have a paper available, say in the 8-to-10 page range? You would actually pay for a paper? Cash? Spanish-American war 25 bucks.
25? Darlene, it's an "a" paper.
Well, what did you get a "B" on? Maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
What about us? Man, this is where the movie totally loses it.
You're kidding me.
This is the best part.
There's no way she'd get on a plane with that guy.
Of course she would.
Bogart's way cooler.
That guy never made another movie.
That guy is only the leader of the resistance.
If she doesn't go with him, France may never be free.
Yeah, right, like anybody cares about France.
Uh, ma, I need money for school supplies.
How much? Oh, 25 bucks.
Get over yourself.
Well, how about 15? You do your own damn homework! Fine.
I hear eighth grade's a lot easier the second time around.
Hey-o! Where were you guys? Lenny's bike shop.
Yeah, hanging out.
You know, being like Mark, but more mature.
I wasn't talking about you.
God! So, Jackie, think I could crash at your place for a while? Ziggy! He's talking to me, Roseanne.
How long's a while? Well, I don't know.
It looks like I may have my own business.
I'm buying Lenny's bike shop.
You're kidding me? No way, man! Me and Dan went down to pick up some parts.
Lenny's looking to retire.
So the Zig-man made him an offer.
It was so cool.
When Ziggy pulled that wad out of his pocket, Lenny kissed him right on the lips.
Yecchh! So, uh, Jacks, you want a roommate? Well, you'd have to pay half the rent, half the utilities, and you bring your own laundry over to Roseanne's.
Deal.
I hope you guys know I was totally for this relationship from the beginning.
I think it's awesome.
I think it's great.
There's only one bike shop in town.
Nobody knows more about bikes than him.
This might be a great idea.
Did you think of it yourself? It's almost like you have a clue.
I knew you'd be proud of us.
Us? Yeah, me and Dan.
Honey, I I know it's new.
It's a little scary.
But it doesn't have to be like how we fought when I started the drywall business.
You didn't want any part of that, and we fought like cats and dogs.
Dan, Rosey.
Good to see you.
Hi, Doug.
How's Lois? Good.
Everyone's great.
How you doing, man.
I'm Norbert.
Norbert Walsh.
Take that thing off your head.
Doug.
Please sit down.
We missed you last week at the lodge.
Yeah.
It was the kid's birthday.
Had to do that miniature golf thing.
How old is she now? Do you believe 8? No! That's.
.
That's They grow up so fast.
So what about the money? From what you told me on the phone, it sounds real promising.
So I checked into Lenny's shop, and it's going ok.
How ok is ok? Be straight with us.
Will we all be eating cat food or just the kids? Lenny's been looking to get out, so he may have slipped off a little bit.
But with some fresh blood, anything could happen, right? And the bank has always been behind you.
Thanks, Doug.
You want to tell me about your partner? - No.
- No.
Hey, don't make him think I'm some kind of irresponsible guy.
I happen to have 20 grand in my shoe.
Do you need to see that? No, but he will need another 30 for the down payment.
I was thinking about selling the drywall business.
Dan, you are the drywall business.
Without you, there's nothing to sell.
You got any other ideas? We could give you a second mortgage on the house.
The house? We'll get you a good rate.
This way my boss will know you're serious about it.
The house? That the only way, Doug? It's the only way I can see, Danny.
Sorry, Zig.
Oh, man.
I'll be carrying two mortgages and a business loan.
I don't know when the money will start coming in.
I can't risk it.
So you'll spend your life doing something you hate? I don't hate it.
What was that about you hate going to work? Forget it.
It won't happen.
Then I'll do it myself.
What do I need to do this thing myself? What do you got in the other shoe? Ok.
Let's do it.
Let's put up the house.
What are you talking about? Well You want to do it, let's do it.
Are you sure? Well, he says he believes in you.
I guess I should, too.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to step outside and puke.
You ok, Rosey? Yeah.
I just want to sit in my house while it's still mine.
What? Did you get the loan? Yes.
Thanks to Ms.
Roseanne Conner, ladies and gentlemen.
We took a second mortgage on the house.
Roseanne has certain lingering doubts.
I don't want to do it anymore.
Come on, Rosey.
It's a great idea.
I believe in this idea.
You used to believe you could see yourself sleeping if you just woke up fast enough.
And I've never been proven wrong.
God, I'm going to miss this place.
Come on, you guys.
Let's go celebrate.
Zig, me and Rosey need to be alone.
Oh, ok.
Come on, Zig.
Rosey, you are my hero.
I will never forget this.
I'm never going to let you.
Dan, take this lady out so she can get out of this mood.
Zig, in 5 or 10 years when the bank's off our back, we'll be ready to celebrate.
Meantime, I just want to stay here and concentrate on how to arrange the furniture out on the sidewalk.
Come on.
I'll celebrate with you.
Ok.
Guys, this is a good thing.
Get happy.
Later, Norbert.
Well, you're welcome, too.
That was nothing.
The official thank you will take place in the thank you room.
What, it's no longer the begging room? Guys, I got to talk Ziggy, get out of here! I got a change in plans, so we ought to discuss it.
You don't go into somebody's bedroom in the middle of the night.
You did it to me and Jackie.
That's different.
It was funny when I did it.
What do you want, Zig? Dan, I can't go through with the, uh, bike shop.
You're kidding.
I thought we would just hang out and fix bikes.
No big deal.
We get tired of it, we bail.
But I been thinking all night about this.
You put the house on the line.
I don't want that riding on me.
What did you start this for? For you, man.
You were bored.
When I thought of this idea, you should have seen your face.
That was worth the 20 grand.
But it just got too big.
What did you expect? We're starting a business.
I know.
I know.
No, man.
You don't come blowing in here, getting everybody crazy.
You don't start something you won't finish.
That's why I'm not starting this.
Fine.
Dan, I'm sorry.
We could have gone under in six months, and you lose the house and the drywall deal.
And it was my idea.
You guys would have hated me forever.
Now you'll hate me for a few months, and I'm back by Christmas.
Nah, I don't think so.
Dan, we go back a long way.
No.
No.
I'm too old for this crap.
Come on, man.
You know the way out.
What did Jackie say? Ah, she said a lot of things.
But bottom line was Goodbye.
Sorry, Rosey.
Well I'm going to go be with my husband now.
It really is better this way.
Yeah.
I'm sure he'll realize that tomorrow when he's drywalling somebody's basement.
What's your problem? I got nothing to do.
Well, call up that Todd or Troy, whatever his name is, and see if he'll play with you.
He's in school.
Oh.
How come you're not in school? Go to school.
Well At least you can't say that you're surprised.
Well, at least we didn't get in too deep.
I'll tell Doug at the bank we decided to back off.
I'll be home late from school.
I'm going to Mark's.
You've got finals to study for.
You shouldn't be at Mark's.
Did I say Mark's? I meant the library.
That's better.
I actually prefer it when she lies to me.
You know what I don't get? How come it was such a good idea when Ziggy was involved, and now it's not a good idea when he's not involved? Well, for one thing, it's a two-man operation.
I could quit my job at the restaurant and help out.
We'd go to work together, have lunch together, come home together.
Or we could stay married.
Why don't you hire Becky's boyfriend, that mark? You're kidding.
Well, he's good with his hands.
Just ask Becky.
That's not funny.
You cannot tell me that Ziggy is irreplaceable.
The guy wore a rag on his head.
His 20 grand was irreplaceable.
Well, the bank was going to lend us 30.
Maybe they will lend us 50.
What's left to put up? We both know you still want to do it.
Yeah, I do.
So what can it hurt? We'll go down there, and we'll talk to Doug, see what he says.
Ok.
It's worth a shot.
And you know what the good part is Without a partner for you to split the profits with, everything you make is mine.
So what can it hurt? We'll go down there, and we'll talk to Doug, see what he says.
Ok.
It's worth a shot.
And you know what the good part is Without a partner for you to split the profits with, everything you make is mine.
Mom, dad, wait.