Frasier s04e01 Episode Script

Niles, what are you doing? This fruit-nut muffin contains a number of things I don't care for.
Currants, a husk of something Away, wrinkly thing.
You know, if you and Maris ever reconcile, I'm going to miss these tranquil mornings.
I reading my newspaper, you tweezing your muffin.
- Hey, boys.
NILES: Hello, Dad.
Hey, I got a letter from my old Army pal, Bud Farrell.
The whole platoon's getting together next weekend in Rattlesnake Ridge.
FRASIER: Good for you.
Speaking of old chums, Daphne, a Clive called for you a little earlier.
Clive? Did he sound British? No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives.
- He said he'd call back.
DAPHNE: Yeah, I'll bet he will.
MARTIN: Oh, boy, I can't wait to see the old gang.
Dad, you're not thinking of driving all the way to Rattlesnake Ridge? It's five hours away.
Your hip stiffens up.
No problem.
They said I can bring a guest.
So who's the lucky one? Well, by my count, two of us get to be lucky.
Come on, they're great guys.
Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim.
Of course, his name's not really Jim.
We call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam.
Just like we call Hank "Bud" because he drinks Budweiser.
Come on, you'd love these guys.
We're sherry drinkers, Dad.
Think about it.
Anyway, I have a conference that weekend.
Yeah, and I have me friend Megan's birthday party.
Fras? [PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, please let that be Megan needing a clown for her party.
Hello? Oh, Clive.
Yes, it has been a long time, hasn't it? Oh, I am sorry.
I have dinner plans tonight.
Well, maybe just a drink, then.
Say 6:30? Me too.
Bye.
Oh, hell.
So who is this Clive? - An ex -boyfriend? DAPHNE: Worse.
Ex-fiancë.
You were engaged? For years.
Oh, we were mad for each other.
He was very sweet and had the most gorgeous eyes you ever saw.
- But? - Oh, yes, that too.
I just couldn't see a future with him.
I mean, the man was a total layabout.
No ambition, no drive.
He couldn't hold a job.
All he wanted to do was tinker about with his car.
His hands were always black from the motor oil.
What a brutish habit.
If God had intended me to work on my Mercedes, he wouldn't have given me Horst.
I had to break it off.
But I wanted to let him down easily, so I said if we were still free in five years, we could try again.
And here he is, right on schedule.
What do I say to him? Be honest.
Tell him how you feel.
What, to break the poor thing's heart again? In the long run, honesty's the best way to avoid unnecessary anguish.
Well, case in point.
Dad, I do not have plans for next weekend, but I do not intend to spend it in the middle of nowhere with Budweiser and Boilermaker and their liver-damaged friend, Seltzer.
Well, that's fine.
There will be other reunions.
There, you see? No evasions, no convenient conferences, just simple honesty.
Course, I don't suppose Jim'll make it next time.
Says here he just had his third bypass.
- But I guess I'll see him at his funeral.
- Off to work.
MARTIN: Unless I go first! All right! I'll drive you to your stupid reunion.
MARTIN: Thanks, son.
I guess I better wait a few days to tell him about Stinky needing a ride.
And in closing, this goes out to Keith, the narcoleptic I spoke to earlier.
I'd be glad to resume our conversation when you feel a bit more alert.
But in the meantime, I suggest that you reconsider applying for that air-traffic-control position.
This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780 AM.
Brilliant show, Frasier.
Chock-full of pithy insight.
- What do you want? GIL: A favour.
Bonnie Weems, the Auto Lady, just asked me to another one of her wretched dinner parties.
I'm planning on saying that you and I have ballet tickets that night, - so do back me up.
- I'm sorry, I can't.
No, you've got to.
Have you any idea how vile her food is? The local raccoons have posted warning signs on her trash bin.
Yes, you see, she already invited me, and I told her I was driving my father to his Army reunion at Rattlesnake Ridge.
Oh, very clever.
Well, I'd use it myself, only I killed my father off to escape her Labor Day clambake.
Oh, Roz.
Listen, I'm going to the opera tomorrow night.
- You didn't happen to remember my? - Oh, your opera glasses.
I'm so sorry.
They completely slipped my mind.
I wouldn't mind if you hadn't borrowed them to ogle that bodybuilder across the street.
I've looked once or twice.
It's not like I copied his name off his mailbox so I could look up his number and call him while he's in the shower so I could watch him cross the room naked to answer the phone.
That would be wrong.
I want them back.
I refuse to squint through Pagliacci while you're trying to watch The Magic Flute.
[PLAYING PIANO.]
DAPHNE: Dr Crane, I need your opinion on this outfit.
I wanted something that sent no romantic signals whatsoever.
Well, short of a cactus corsage, I think you've captured it.
You know, Daphne, it's been five years.
That's an awfully long time to carry a torch.
- Maybe he just wants to say hello.
- Oh, I certainly hope so.
The thought of having to reject the poor thing again is more than I can bear.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, dear.
It's him.
- Anything between me teeth? - No.
Do we have any spinach in the fridge? Just answer the door.
Oh, Dr Crane.
I was afraid you were Clive.
Clive? Oh, Clive.
Oh, was that tonight? Oh, well, don't I feel silly bringing over this thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle.
Niles, I'm sure that Daphne doesn't want us horning in on her reunion.
- We're going to dinner.
- Well, can we order in? I've already assembled one kitten and two yarn balls.
I'm getting my jacket.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Niles, for God's sake, will you give them some privacy.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Look at you.
You look wonderful.
- Oh, go on! - No, no, I mean it.
Very pretty and warm.
So So - Oh, God.
- What? I've gotten a spot of axle grease on your sweater.
Oh, no, it's all right, really.
It's just a ratty old thing.
Please, come in.
- Same old Clive, I see.
- I suppose so.
So, what brings you to Seattle? My undying love for you.
Oh, damn! I meant to lead up to that.
Sorry.
- No, it's all right.
Just a bit - Abrupt.
No "how are you," no "nice place you have here.
" By the way, it is lovely.
Is that the Space Needle? - Clive.
- Big.
Anyway, I remembered what you told me five years ago, and I thought my feelings might change.
- Five years is a long time, but - Oh, Clive.
No, no, let me finish.
My feelings for you haven't changed.
I think about you every day, every night.
And there comes a time in every man's life when he's gotta summon the courage to look a woman in the eye and say NILES: Cheese Nips? I'm sorry.
Is this a bad moment? - Well, actually, I was - No, no, not at all.
Well, this is my very dear old friend, Clive Roddy.
Clive, I'd like you to meet Dr Niles Crane my husband.
- Your husband? - Oh, yes.
Six months next week.
Well, congratulations.
You're a very lucky man.
[GIGGLES.]
CLIVE: Six months? You two are practically newlyweds.
Yes, we're still at that honeymoon stage.
It's sickening, really.
Revolting.
- Positively stomach-turning.
- Darling! - Well, I should be going.
NILES: No! I mean we're so enjoying having you here.
I did promise you a drink.
Oh, well, I suppose I could stay for a beer.
Oh, good.
Darling, would you give me a hand in the kitchen, please? Certainly, my angel.
Dr Crane, I'm so sorry.
It seemed the kindest way to let him down.
I didn't mean to put you in such an awkward position.
When it comes to you, no position is too awkward.
Oh, hello.
You must be Clive.
- Yeah.
And you're? - Dr Frasier Crane.
Oh, Niles' brother.
- Yes.
You've met Niles? - Just now.
Though I used to know his wife quite well.
Really, you know his wife? - She's one of a kind, that one.
- Isn't she? Certainly can light up a room.
Oh, yes.
Usually by leaving it.
- Frasier! DAPHNE: Clive! I see you've met my husband's brother.
CLIVE: Yeah.
I'm not intruding on some family occasion, am I? Oh, no, not at all.
Frasier lives here.
I mean, temporarily.
- You see, he's - He's had a spat with his wife.
Maris.
Sorry to hear that.
Yes, me too.
You know, Daphne, I'm parched.
Could you show me again where we keep the wine? Of course.
Could you spare me a minute? Oh, wait.
You have to pay the love toll.
Too much.
Here's your change.
Can you stay for dinner? I told you to be honest, but did you listen? No.
No, instead, you subject us to this charade.
Just play along, please.
I swear, one drink and he's out the door.
- He's staying for dinner.
- What? - Well, how did that happen? - He just sort of invited himself.
Pretty damn cheeky, if you ask me.
Dear God.
Obviously he has hopes of winning you back.
We must keep these displays of affection as realistic as possible.
What will I serve? Do we still have that lasagne? You don't expect me to endure an entire evening of this nonsense.
DAPHNE: Just do this for me, and anything you want, name anything, it's yours.
Anything? Except Rattlesnake Ridge.
- Oh, Clive? - All right, I'll take him.
- Lasagne all right for dinner? - Super.
I'm warning you, one thing goes wrong and the whole deal's off.
Oh, it can't go wrong.
We just have to stick to our stories and avoid unnecessary complications.
MARTIN: Well, I see we got company! NILES: Dad! FRASIER: Dad! DAPHNE: Dad! Clive, I'd like you to meet my new husband's father.
Or as we sometimes say in this country, father-in-law.
- I'm Clive Roddy.
- Yeah, hi, Marty Crane.
Somebody tell me what's Daphne, we've been so remiss.
We haven't even given Clive the tour.
Oh, yes, quite right.
Well, this is the living room.
Well, I think he'd be more interested in the master bathroom.
The shower being so large, and Manchester being so rainy.
DAPHNE: Right this way.
- There you go.
- Oh, you forgot to pay the toll.
FRASIER: Niles! NILES: Never mind.
- All right, now go away.
- What for? What the hell's going on here? Clive is Daphne's old boyfriend.
She's letting him down easily by pretending to be married to Niles.
NILES: So this is my place.
Frasier is staying here temporarily because he's separated from Maris.
You couldn't stand her either, huh? That's very amusing.
- Do I still live here? - Yes, of course you do.
For this evening, it might be best if you excused yourself.
You see, it requires quick thinking, improvisational skills - and a knack for remembering details.
- Well, never used any of those skills as an undercover cop.
- Please, Dad, don't be offended.
- I'm not offended.
No.
My two sons have just said I have oatmeal for brains.
So Daphne tells me you're both psychiatrists.
- Yes.
CLIVE: Fascinating.
- You a psychiatrist as well, Marty? - Oh, me? No, no, I'm retired.
And what did you do? I was an astronaut.
CLIVE: Were you? - You actually flew space missions? - Yeah, a few.
Me and Neil Armstrong.
Buzz Aldrin.
Yeah, I was the one who gave him his nickname Buzz, you know.
Yeah, most people think it's because he flew fast.
Not true.
He was scared of bees.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Who is it? ROZ: Open up, Frasier, it's me.
What do you know, it's Maris! Here are your stupid opera glasses.
Are we friends again? FRASIER: Darling! FRASIER: You're Maris.
- What? FRASIER: We're married.
- What? FRASIER: Play along.
Well, their little tiff's over.
Maris Crane, this is Mr Clive Roddy.
- It's a pleasure.
- It certainly is.
- So how long will you be in Seattle? - Oh, Cupcake.
If you'd excuse us, we could use a moment alone.
Just come with me, darling.
So now you've met the whole Crane clan.
Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book you're still listed as Moon.
That must be an old book.
Now she hyphenates.
It's Moon-Crane.
I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane.
Damn near rolled it into the Sea of Tranquillity.
So, Clive, what do you do? Still mucking about with cars, I see.
Oh, me hands? No, I helped a lady change a tire on the way over here.
Don't have as much time for cars as I used to, what with my business and all.
- Your business? - Yeah.
After you left, I remembered the advice you used to give me, and I decided some of it made sense.
- What advice? CLIVE: Well, you know "Get a job, you lazy git," that sort of thing.
So I took a few business courses and opened up a little sporting-goods shop.
Next thing you know, I had three of them.
Well, isn't this ironic.
All these years, I nagged him to make something of himself.
And now look at him: A captain of industry and still as handsome as ever.
Yes, well, send in the clowns.
Don't bother, they're here.
Well, bad news.
It seems my Maris has to run off.
She's got a previous engagement.
Oh, forget about your engagement, Maris.
Stay for dinner.
- Actually - I'd love to! Lovely.
We can celebrate you two being reconciled.
That is still tentative.
It could go either way.
CLIVE: Hello there.
What's his name? ALL: Eddie! So there I was, floating when some idiot turns off the weightless button and down I come, right on this big pickaxe we used for moon rocks.
And you still walk with a cane? Que será será.
Well, I'd better turn in, boys.
Don't forget your warm glass of Tang.
It was an honour meeting you, commander.
Yeah, I had fun too.
- Well, good night, all.
NILES: Good night, Dad.
Delicious meal, Daphne.
Can't remember the last time I ate so much.
Well, that explains your fantastic physique.
Yes, you are looking wonderfully firm.
You used to have that little tummy.
- Do you work out? - Yeah, when I can.
Actually, my shops keep me pretty busy.
Daphne and I have our own little exercise regimen.
We work up quite a sweat, don't we, darling? DAPHNE: I can't get over it.
It's like you're a whole different person.
A whole different person.
Well, who's for coffee? I'll give you a hand.
Would you please tell Roz to stop flirting? Has she forgotten she's a married woman? Oh, you're one to talk.
If you batted your eyelashes any harder, you'd blow out the candles.
You get rid of her now, or it's Rattlesnake Ridge for you.
- You wouldn't! - Oh, wouldn't I? And by the way, Stinky needs a ride.
[GASPS.]
And according to your love line Oh, my, what a naughty little Maris, darling, I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted.
- You know - See you at home.
More wine, please.
Oh, are you sure that's wise, dear? Remember that blackout you had last month? [CHUCKLES.]
What am I saying? Of course you don't.
That's what I love about her, her sense of humour.
- Cookie, darling? - Oh, no, thank you.
Some of us do look after our weight.
Now, now, Daphne, you have to keep your strength up.
You are eating for two.
You're having a baby? Well, when were you planning on springing that news? We don't like to bring that up.
It's a sore point around here, what with my sister-in-law being barren and all.
Now, now, it's not her fault.
You see, my brother is impotent.
Well, congratulations.
Is there a loo I could? Yes, yes, right there by the front door.
We call that Frasier's bathroom.
That's why we've monogrammed all the towels with his initials.
Have you all taken leave of your senses? DAPHNE: She started it! Hanging all over him.
What is your problem? Frasier said the only reason we're doing this was because you wanted to give him the brush-off.
Well, I changed me mind.
Didn't you see my signals? Gee, I must have missed them.
It must have been during one of my blackouts! NILES: Wait, wait, wait.
There's no need to fight.
Look, I'll flip a coin.
- Oh, good news, Roz.
- Oh, sod off! You'd think, with all your dozens and dozens of men, you could at least leave one for me.
Dozens? Did you tell her that? Well, forgive me for keeping track.
Why are you fighting over the man anyway? He's got all the charm of a cricket bat.
You're right.
You know what, Daphne, you want him, you can have him.
- You can have him, he's yours! - Oh, yes.
Fat chance I've got, now that you've told him I'm pregnant.
How am I supposed to get rid of this bloody baby? Clive.
Coffee? No, thank you.
I really should be going.
No! No, please.
I know what you must think, but we're not what we seem.
CLIVE: You certainly aren't.
Look, I know I'm a guest here, so I've kept silent so far, but I'm sorry, I must speak.
You're the most appalling family I've ever met.
You, breaking up with your wife over a pair of opera glasses.
And you, looking down your nose at me the entire time you're showing off your posh flat.
Well, for your information, mate, I don't think there's anything remotely special about your bathrooms.
And you two women, flirting shamelessly with me right in front of your husbands.
You, having just reconciled with Frasier, and you, carrying Niles' baby.
Well, I pity your child, Daphne.
And I pity any good Manchester girl that comes to this vile, coffee-swilling Sodom and lets it change her like it's changed you.
But I haven't changed.
Really.
We're not the awful people you think we are.
No! The truth is we've been lying to you all night.
Yes! Well, I don't care to be lied to anymore.
Goodbye, Daphne, Maris, Dr Crane, Dr Crane.
I'll never understand how two men like you could've been spawned by that sweet, courageous old astronaut.