Home Improvement s04e01 Episode Script

Hey, folks.
Don't you weep, don't you bawl.
Today we're working drywall.
Right, all? You have to forgive Tim.
His sense of humor's a little off the drywall.
Today we're gonna show you how to tape the joints of your wallboard together.
That's right.
Taping technique is critical.
An inferior job can result in unsightly lumps and bulges.
Kind of makes you wonder who taped up Al.
Well, there are many mechanical tools used in drywalling.
I like to use the Binford 6100 wet-tape banjo.
With the wet-tape banjo, you can apply your tape and your mixture in one swipe, as well as doing a good rendition of "Oh, Susanna.
" Oh, Susanna, oh, don't you cry for me (drumming) As you can see For I came from Alabama with a banjo on my knee I've loaded my banjo with quality premix compound, available at any hardware store.
(energetic drumming continues) (drumming stops) You don't have to buy it premixed.
You can mix it yourself if you want.
It's three parts calcium carbonate, two parts mica, a little Galliano, a little vodka, you got a Harvey Dry Wallbanger.
Well, as I'm sure Tim realizes, if you are going to mix your own compound, you have to be exactly sure of its consistency.
I'll put my banjo up against anybody's.
Would that be a challenge, Tim? Get ready to duel, fool.
Klaus! ( guitar riff from "Dueling Banjos") ( banjo plays same riff) ( guitar riff from "Dueling Banjos") ( guitar plays same riff) ( "Dueling Banjos" on guitar and banjo) Dad, the hot rod looks really great.
Yeah, thanks.
Except for one thing.
I was staring it a little while yesterday.
A little while? Eight hours.
All right.
What it needs is an original '33 hood ornament.
I'm waiting for (phone rings) Yo! Could be it! Keep waxing.
Deke! Oh, hi, Ashley.
No.
Brad's not here.
He's out buying you a big gift.
Dad, why'd you tell her that? 'Cause I'm waiting for an emergency call for a hood ornament.
I want to keep the lines clear.
So now I have to buy Ashley a present.
No.
Now you have to buy Ashley a big present.
(Tim) Hi, hon.
(Jill mumbles) beyond belief! Well, hi! Good day at work? Tim.
I feel like I'm about to explode.
Don't do it in here.
We just waxed.
Remember I told you about that big meeting I had with my boss today? I was expecting a raise and a promotion? She laid me off! What? Yeah.
I got two weeks' severance pay and a farewell cake.
Like a cake is gonna make me feel better.
Well, did you bring the cake home? Did it have nuts on it? For your information, it was a triple chocolate fudge.
I was so depressed that I polished the rest of it off in the car on the way home.
Now, I need a little sensitivity and a ThighMaster.
Well, you came to the house of sensitivity.
Right, guys? Is this gonna affect my allowance? It will now.
Stay off the phone.
Tell me what happened.
Business bad down there? Did they lay everybody off? Oh, no, no.
Just me.
They didn't lay off Becky.
The pretty one? Yeah.
Yeah, the pretty one.
The one with the Harvard degree and the pair of Ph.
double Ds.
Yeah, bright girl.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Jill, come on.
Come on, come on.
I'm sorry about your job.
I know what it meant to you.
I really do.
Hey, you want a shoulder to cry on? Pick one.
I gave them two years of my life.
(phone rings) Two years of total dedication.
Yeah.
The writers, the editors, they all said that they liked me the best.
Yeah.
I had such a nice desk.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Tim, I was talking to you.
Hello? Hold on a second.
Maybe one of the kids got in an accident.
I thought that they were all home.
Hold on a minute.
Most of the accidents take place in the home.
Hey.
Hey, Deke? What are you doing? Ah.
Hold on a second.
Thank God the kids are OK.
Yes! Well, all right.
OK.
Call me any time, day or night, I'm here.
Thank you, buddy.
Thanks.
Bye.
Great news.
Deke thinks he knows a guy that knows a guy that could get my hood ornament.
Yay, Deke.
Come on! Deke's a great guy.
He's got connections everywhere.
Maybe he knows a guy who knows a guy who could find me a job.
I think we shouldn't bother him because right now he's looking for a hood ornament for me.
So, how you holding up? I'm OK, I guess.
I don't know.
Ever wake up in the morning and feel like you just don't have a clue? Every day.
Wait.
That's not normal? Want some orange juice? Yeah, yeah, I'd love some.
I stayed up half the night trying to figure out what I should do now.
What should I do? What should I do? The magazine business here is so tough and I don't know if I really want to do that anymore, so you know what I've been thinking? It's really a stupid idea.
Well, it may not be that stupid.
I mean, people my age have done it, not that much, but it's not that it's impossible.
There's a lot to be said for it and a lot to be said against it.
What do you think? Well, I'm 50-50 on it myself.
What are you talking about? Oh When I was in school, I really liked psychology.
I thought that I might make a good therapist.
Hm.
As someone who's been in therapy forever, I think you'd be great.
And I blame my mother.
I'm thinking about going back to school to get my master's.
Then I could be a family counselor.
You would be a natural working with families.
Well, after surviving this one, I should get a Purple Heart.
Hi, Brad.
Hey, Mom.
What's this? Oh.
That's a college catalogue with watermelon seeds all over it.
I'm checking out colleges.
Well, aren't I a little young? It's for me.
Well, then, aren't you way old? I'm never gonna get my allowance back, am I? It's not looking good.
Hey, Brad.
Hi, hon.
(both) Hi.
I'm glad you're home.
You sound like you're in a better mood.
Oh, yeah, I had a great day.
What'd you do? Sit in bed all day, stuff your face, talk to your girlfriends on the phone? Is that what you think my idea of a great day is? Sorry.
That's my idea of a great day.
Wait till you hear what I'm thinking about doing.
I want to go back to college.
Are you gonna stay here or at the dorm? I'm thinking about getting my master's in psychology.
I'd have to take some undergrad courses, but what do you think? Are you serious? Yeah, I'm serious.
Jill, a master's degree will take forever.
It's OK.
I like school.
Do you remember school? Homework, detention, being suspended, sitting in the corner.
Tim, they don't do that in college.
Oh, yeah? How much is this gonna cost? How much did the hot rod cost? How mu Cost is not the issue here.
Tim, this is something that I want to do.
Why psychology? I thought you liked journalism.
Don't you like being a researcher? I did.
But now I want to move in a new direction.
I'm going through a major life change.
The facial hair thing? No, Tim.
(gruffly) Thank goodness for that.
Do you remember when you quit being a salesman to do Tool Time? It was important to you and I was very supportive.
Do you remember that? I'd support you too if you did something that made sense.
Why don't you go to a trade school? Trade school? Six months, you can be a turret lathe operator.
I don't want to be a turret lathe operator.
I don't even know what that is.
That's why you go to the school.
How about a certified arc welder? Are you insane? Diesel bus repair.
I was excited about this idea.
I'm trying to have a serious conversation, and all you can do is throw out idiotic suggestions.
Why don't you just tell me to go to clown college? They'd never take you.
You're not funny enough and your feet are too small.
Does everybody know what time it is? (audience) Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Whoo! (applause) Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everybody.
Welcome to drywall week here on Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant, Plump Al Stiltskin.
(audience cheering) Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm wearing these stilts to show you a handy way to put up drywall ceiling panels.
After that, Al's gonna juggle and bounce a big rubber ball on his nose.
(hums circus music) We'll be working with a ten-foot ceiling today so I have my stilts set to 36 inches.
They're adjustable all the way to 48 inches.
The stilts or your belt? The advantage of stilts when drywalling is they do give you height, plus mobility.
Each of these panels weighs 60 pounds, so it's always a good idea to have a good helper.
Or, if you're in a bind Tim.
Now, if you don't happen to have a drywall lift, like this here, you can hold up your panels with T-braces, called "deadmen.
" Tim, show them what a dead man looks like.
This is all well and good if you have a traditional ten-foot ceiling, but let's say I want to do a remodel on the Sistine Chapel.
Well, I don't think you'd be their first choice as contractor.
Stick with me here, OK? Guys, raise this up to the Sistine Chapel level.
Let's say you want to smooth out those chubby cherubs with some wallboard, but the stilts only go up to 48 inches.
That's why I use these.
Heidi? My pneumatic drywall stilts.
Pneumatic drywall stilts? Is there an echo in the building? How high can they go? The sky's the limit.
Want to go up, press this lever up.
Third floor, lingerie.
Ding ding ding.
I'm very impressed, Tim.
Watch this.
I want to reverse the process, and go down to the bargain basement where you picked up that shirt, press here.
Hey, Randy.
Hey, Dad.
Great day today.
Good Tool Time? Through the roof.
Uh How's Mom? Not too bad.
She finally stopped saying, "Boys, whatever you do, don't turn out to be like your father.
" OK.
Well, this'll put her right over the top.
Do flowers always work? Yep.
Every time I get in trouble, I just call Lou the florist.
She gets mad at you so often, you must be on some kind of "frequent flower" program.
I'm not only a member, I'm the club president.
Bet you can't guess what I've got behind my back.
Seven roses, 16 daisies, two tulips and a couple of sprigs of baby's-breath.
Right on the money.
That's amazing! It's not that unusual.
This is the 29th time I've gotten that exact same bouquet of flowers.
Lou the florist calls it his "Tim Taylor Foot-in-the-Mouth" special.
Don't knock it.
Because of this bouquet, Lou has been able to send his son to a fabulous trade school.
He's a turret lathe operator now.
Well, at least you get flowers.
Joe gives me a string of sausage and a side of Canadian bacon.
See how lucky you are? Joe screws up, a pig dies.
Good luck, Tim.
You'll need it.
Thanks for the basil.
Tim, why did you give me these flowers? Was it so that I wouldn't be mad at you anymore? Yes.
If you'd just given me the flowers to show me that you supported my idea of going back to school, I would have been so happy about that.
Isn't that amazing? That's exactly why I bought them.
I love our relationship.
We know what each other's thinking.
Then you know what I'm thinking right now? I think you're thinking that I wasted $27.
95.
Hey, Wilson.
Want some flowers? Why, Tim, what a neighborly gesture.
It'll cost you 35 bucks.
If I'm not mistaken, that is the $27.
95 "Tim Taylor Foot-in-Your-Mouth" special.
Yeah.
I tried to use them to say I'm sorry to Jill.
She didn't want them.
She wants to go back to school and was mad 'cause she doesn't think I'm being very supportive.
Well, do you feel that you are? I guess that depends on your definition of "supportive.
" I told her it was a stupid idea and she probably couldn't get into clown college.
I don't think that's anyone's definition of supportive.
Going back to school, it's really a big deal to her.
I couldn't wait to get out of college.
And to be honest, the college couldn't wait to get me out of there.
Wasn't it college where you met Jill? Yeah.
It wasn't easy.
I was a motorhead and she hung out with all the intellectuals.
You know the type.
Spend their days thinking about the meaning of life when they could be figuring out how to drink a keg of beer without using their hands.
I'm not looking forward to her getting back in a group of eggheads - people who are always trying to prove how smart they are by talking over your head.
So, Tim, you're worried about Jill returning to the world of academia.
It was a lot of work to get her interested in me in college.
Maybe she goes back and hangs out with all those intellectual types, maybe she won't find me that interesting again.
Just because Jill grows doesn't mean that she'll grow apart from you.
No, no, no.
Heck.
What am I talking about? Why would she trade me in for a new model when she got a V8 like me sitting in the garage at home? (Wilson chuckles) You are a classic.
(grunts) Yeah.
Jill.
Don't expect me to help you with your homework.
What? When you go back to study psychology.
Wait.
You're OK with that? If your dream is to work with nuts, you should go back to the world of macadamia.
You wanna go back and get your master's, I totally support it.
You really mean that? Absolutely.
Oh, thank you, honey.
I'll take these now.
You realize, with me studying and being in school, that things are gonna change a little bit around here.
Hm.
If there's adjustments to be made on the house, I'll make 'em.
No.
Forget about the adjustments.
Just be supportive.
I'm so excited about going back to school! I get to buy a new three-ring binder and knee-socks.
I never told you this, but at school, I always thought you were out of my league.
I was.
And I guess I was worried that you'd find a new group of brainiacs to hang out with.
Well, maybe you'll come home to me, I'll be kinda boring.
(laughs) One thing about coming home to you, Tim, it's never boring.
Let me ask you a question.
Have you ever wished that you'd married somebody as smart as you? You think I'm smarter than you? Yeah.
Well, that just shows how smart you are.
You didn't answer the question.
Do I ever wish that I married somebody else? Why would I wanna marry anybody else? You're funny, you're sexy, creative, you take chances, and you're definitely not afraid to be wrong.
I'm perfectly happy being married to a man who thinks that PBS is something that women get once a month.
What I said was, "Once a month is enough for PBS.
And way too much for the other thing.
" You'll never guess what I got in the box.
Oh, the hood ornament.
No.
I had to miss the call.
Deke put me at the bottom of the list.
Glad you weren't waiting for a liver.
This is stuff for your first day at school.
A three-ring binder with your college sweetheart on it.
Stop laughing, otherwise I won't give you a Tim Taylor "More Power" pencil sharpener.
Ooh! Let me see this.
Try it out.
(motor starts) And my best piece your remote-control lunchbox.
Press this.
to the bargain basement where you bought that shirt, press this button here.
I'm wearing these stilts to show viewers a handy way to install ceiling panels.
After that, just for the kids, Al's gonna juggle a ball on his nose and sing "Kumbaya.
"