King of the Hill s04e01 Episode Script
...Peggy Hill: The Decline and Fall (Part 2)
1 PREVIOUSLY ON KING OF THE HILL.
GO! YOU WANNA JUMP OR NOT? YOU'VE GOT MY CHECK.
WHAT DO YOU CARE? I KNOW WHERE THE ARLEN HOSPITAL IS.
CAN YOU HOLD IT IN? OH! PEGGY, IT'S AMAZING.
YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT.
UNCLE HANK, DIDI'S HAVIN' THE BABY RIGHT NOW.
WAIT.
AAAH! PULL THE CORD! YOUR EMERGENCY CORD! HEY! AAAH! AAAH! PEGGY? PEGGY! AH AH I-I THINK MY WIFE, I-I THINK, MIGHT BE DEAD.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( shrieks ) ( grunting ) PEGGY! Bobby: DANG IT, DIDI! PUSH! IT'S OKAY, SON.
THE BABY'S HERE.
HE'S BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT'S HIS NAME? HERE YOU GO TO CUT THE UMBILICAL CORD.
OH MY UNCLE.
PEGGY! PEGGY! ( gasps ) AUNT PEGGY! ( sobbing ) ( incoherent mutters ) OKAY, THINK "ONE PIECE.
" PEGGY.
( weakly ): HEY, HEY, HEY.
OH, GOD, YOU'RE ALL SMASHED UP.
I'M ALIVE.
UNCLE HANK-- WE'RE TOO LATE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HOLD YOUR BABY NOW? I'M NO THE FATH YES, I WOULD.
OKAY, MOVE IT.
KEEP HER STRAIGHT.
PLEASE, SIR, DON'T TOUCH HER.
OH, GOD.
Man on TV: Aikman takes the snap.
Quick pass over the middle to Smith.
To the 20! The 10! Emmitt Smith scores! YES! HANK HILL? I WASN'T WATCHING.
UH, JUST FOR A SECOND.
I-I'VE NO IDEA WHAT THE SCORE IS.
I COULDN'T TELL YOU.
HEH.
YOUR WIFE IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
( sighing ): YES.
PEGGY HAS A COMPRESSION FRACTURE OF THE BONES IN HER BACK.
THANK GOODNESS FOR THE MUD.
SHE WOULD NO HAVE SURVIVED IF SHE HAD FALLEN ON CONCRETE, MR.
HILL.
OR A FENCE.
BUT SHE'S OKAY? YES, THEY'RE PUTTING HER INTO A BODY CAST RIGHT NOW TO IMMOBILIZE HER WHILE SHE HEALS.
UH, WHAT COLOR IS THE CAST? WHAT DOES THAT MATTER, MR.
HILL? I-I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE NEVER BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE.
I'M JUST TRYING TO ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS.
IT'S WHITE.
SPONGE BATH.
BEDPAN.
THANK YOU.
( humming ) PEGGY? HANK! COME ON IN.
LOOK AT ME.
I'M IN AN ENSEMBLE.
MY TOP CAS AND MY BOTTOM CAST MATCH.
( chuckles ) ( chuckles ) YEAH, QUALITY PLASTER.
( frantic sobbing ) WELL, I'M GUESSING THAT WAS LUANNE.
OH, I WISH SHE WOULDN' FEEL SORRY FOR ME WHEN I FEEL SO TERRIFIC FOR ME.
I HAVE HAD A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE.
MOST PEOPLE NEVER GET THA EXCEPT WHEN IT'S RIGHT NEX TO THEIR DEATH EXPERIENCE AND THEN THEY CAN' APPRECIATE IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S ODD? THE LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS DECIDING NOT TO JUMP.
HANK, WHAT OR WHO WOULD HAVE MADE ME CHANGE MY MIND? UH OH, I'M NOT SURE.
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I WASN'T IN THE PLANE.
I WAS ON THE GROUND, REMEMBER? I'M THE ONE WHO FOUND YOU, HEH.
HMM.
I FELL 8,000 FEET AND SURVIVED! WHOO-HOO-HOO! ( grunting ) BOBBY? DAD! THANK GOD! I NEED A DOLLAR BAD.
MOM? BOBBY? YOU REALLY FELL OU OF A PLANE? YES, SIR, I DID.
YOUR MOM IS ONE OF ONLY 16 PEOPLE WHO HAVE SURVIVED PARACHUTES NOT OPENING.
NOW, 16 IS MY ESTIMATE.
I'LL DOUBLE-CHECK MY NUMBERS LATER.
UM, I'M SORRY ABOUT BEFORE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME.
( sobbing ): OH, GOD! WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU JUMP OUT OF A PLANE? TH-THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT.
WELL, DON' TRY TOO HARD 'CAUSE THE DOCTOR SAYS THAT COULD, UH, HUR YOUR BONES SOMEHOW.
SO, UH, BOBBY, HOW WAS YOUR DAY? MY DAY? DON'T GET ME STARTED! MY DAY WAS INCREDIBLE.
I WAS DIDI'S BIRTHING PARTNER.
I CU THE UMBILICAL CORD! DIDI! WHERE'S DIDI? HANK, WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR WIFE? I DIDN'T TEACH YOU THAT.
WHERE'S MY NEW DEPENDENT? I'M SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT IT.
WHERE DID I PUT? OH, THERE IT IS.
Bobby: UNCLE I PRESENT YOU TO YOUR FATHER! LOOK AT HIM! HIS SHINS ARE PERFECT.
( cooing ) LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE A HANDSOME LITTLE SOLDIER.
YOU WANT TO KILL A NAZI? A NAZI, NAZI, SQUAZI? ( uttering baby talk ) A NAZI SQUAZI.
( baby talk continues ) DIDI, DID YOU NAME THIS BABY YET? WHAT'S THE USE? I'M CALLING HIM "HANK.
" I ALWAYS WANTED A BOY NAMED HANK.
UH, DAD, HANK IS MY NAME.
NOT ANYMORE.
I'M TAKING IT BACK.
HE'S HANK.
YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY A GROWN MAN'S NAME.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL CALL HIM "G.
H.
"-- GOOD HANK.
DID YOU SEE THE WAY MY BOY LOOKED AT THAT NURSE? PRACTICALLY SLAPPED HER RUMP, THEN AND THERE.
YEAH, UNCLE GOOD HANK IS REALLY SOMETHING SPECIAL.
DAD, THIS ISN'T RIGHT.
YOU CALL HIM "GOOD HANK" IT'S GOING TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I'M "BAD HANK.
" WELL, YOU BURNT MY BURGER, DIDN'T YOU, B.
H.
? ( thundering ) PEGGY, YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT.
IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S THE BEST DANG FEELING IN THE WORLD.
OH, NO DON'T TELL HER THAT.
WHY DID YOU TELL HER THAT? OH NO, OF COURSE IT'S SAFE.
IT'S FAIL-SAFE.
I GUARANTEE YOU'LL LOVE IT.
I COMMAND YOU TO JUMP.
IF YOU LOVE ME, YOU'LL JUMP.
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! THERE WE GO.
OKAY, NOW YOU TRY.
AH, WE'LL SEE ABOUT ALL THIS.
OKAY, PUT THIS OVER THERE GOOD.
TUCK THIS LITTLE NIBLE IN THERE.
CLOSE UP SHOP.
THERE READY FOR SOILING.
WHAT THE? THE KID IS LEAKING OUT OF HIS CHEST! THAT'S FROM HIS NIPPLES.
IT'S A FORM OF LACTATION.
DANG IT! YOU SAID IT WAS A BOY.
HE IS.
HE'S SIMPLY BEEN INGESTING A LOT OF FEMALE HORMONES FROM HIS MOTHER.
IT'S SO COMMON, IT HAS A NAME-- WITCH'S MILK.
OH, LORD, WHAT DID I DO? WAS IT THE FIDDY MEN I KILLED? Peggy: OH, THE MATERNITY WARD CEILING.
OH, IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY SON WAS BORN AND I AM ALSO REMINDED OF WHEN MY NEXT CHILD WILL BE BORN.
WHY ISN'T THE BABY WITH HIS MOTHER? DIDI HILL HAS POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION.
SHE COULDN'T EVEN GATHER UP THE STRENGTH TO PUT ON SOME LIPSTICK, AND SHE LOOKS AWFUL.
OH, THAT POOR INFANT BABY.
IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO? ( laughing ) OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.
YOU JUST TRY NO TO GET ADDICTED TO THAT MORPHINE.
YOU DID THIS TO MY SON.
THERE'S NO MILK COMING OUT OF THESE.
Peggy: COTTON, STOP IT.
YOU SHOULD BE COMFORTING HER.
COMFORT HER? COMFORT ME! MR.
HILL, YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY'S AUTOMATED VOICE SAYS YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOSPITAL TODAY IN 85 MINUTES.
BUT I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF A DRIPPIN' WITCH CHILD.
CAN'T WE JUS STAY HOSPITALIN' UNTIL DIDI GETS HER BRAINS BACK? ( laughing ): WELL MAYBE IF YOU WERE THE RICHEST MAN IN AMERICA.
MORE FLOWERS, MR.
HILL? WELL, DON'T UNWRAP THEM.
WELL, WHY NOT? THEY TOLD ME DOWNSTAIRS THEY SHOULD BE PLACED IN WATER YOU, YOUR WIFE AND THOSE FLOWERS ARE GOING HOME TODAY.
BUT PEGGY'S GOT A BROKEN BACK.
I KNOW.
I TOLD YOU THAT.
BUT SHE WANTS TO BE DISCHARGED.
I'M NOT SO WORRIED ABOUT HER BACK.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT HER EMOTIONAL STATE.
YEAH, BUT SHE SEEMS SO HAPPY.
YEAH, WELL, ONCE THE THRILL OF SURVIVING WEARS OFF-- AND IT DOES, TRUST ME-- JET SKI, JULY, '94-- SHE MAY EXPERIENCE A SECOND CRASH WHEN SHE FEELS HER OWN LIMITATIONS.
WELL, THERE WON'T BE ANY SECOND CRASH.
AS LONG AS I'M AROUND I WON'T LET HER FEEL ANY LIMITATIONS.
THERE'S NO NEED FOR YOU TO FEEL THIS GUILTY.
YOU DIDN'T MAKE HER JUMP.
UH, YEAH.
UH, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD PUT THA ON HER CHART? PEGGY, I'M HERE.
HEY, WE'RE GOING HOME TODAY.
I HAVE PACKED MYSELF UP WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM THE NURSES.
( sighing ) ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY? WELL, HONEY, READY OR NOT, I HAVE GOT TO GO.
I INVITED COTTON AND DIDI AND THE BABY TO STAY WITH ME UNTIL THEY CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM ON THEIR OWN.
YOU THINK YOU CAN HELP THEM TAKE CARE OF A BABY? IF THAT POOR FARM BOY WHOSE ARMS WERE RIPPED OFF BY A THRESHER COULD DIAL 9-1-1 WITH HIS NOSE THEN I THINK PEGGY HILL CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT BABY.
MAYBE I'LL SIGN I ON THE STOMACH.
NO, THE LEG.
NO, THE STOMACH.
JUST ACT NATURAL.
BACK OFF! BACK OFF, EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY! OH! THAT'S OUR FAULT, PEGGY NOT YOUR FAULT.
TRY THE BACK DOOR.
IT'LL FIT.
AM I IN A VERY WIDE BED? WELL, MAYBE WE CAN GET HER IN AT AN ANGLE.
COME ON, GUYS.
ALL RIGHT, ON THREE.
Boomhauer: SAY LIFT ON THREE, MAN YOU OL' MEAN TO GIVE OL' ONE, TWO DANG OL' THREE THEN GO OR DO YOU KIND OF LIF RIGHT ON ON THREE? Hank: JUST LIFT NOW, OKAY? NOW! TILT TOWARDS ME.
NO, TOWARD FINE, AWAY FROM ME.
HI, PEGGY.
Peggy: HELLO, BILL.
I THINK A "THANK YOU" WOULD BE IN ORDER, PEGGY.
DALE, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
OKAY, ENOUGH.
I'M BETTER OFF IN THE LIVING ROOM ANYWAY.
I CAN RUN THE WHOLE HOUSE FROM HERE.
HUB OF THE WHEEL, HUB OF THE WHEEL.
UH, LUANNE, I THINK YOU GOT TWO PEOPLE SITTING IN THE SAME CHAIR, THERE.
BUT THAT'S AUNT PEGGY'S PLACE.
I CAN'T JUST PUT SOMEONE THERE LIKE SHE DOESN'T EXIST.
SHE'S STILL ALIVE I THINK.
( sobbing ) ( sighs ) YEAH, UH, YOU KNOW MAYBE IT MIGHT DO US ALL SOME GOOD IF-IF YOU GO AWAY FOR A WHILE.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A FEW NIGHTS AT THE MOTEL ARLEN, MY TREAT? HIGHWAY NINE OR SIX? NINE.
NO, THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, SIX.
( laughing ): YES! CAST MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD FOR PEGGY HILL LIKE YOU MUMMY MUSEUM PIECE BUT WITH ATTITUDE-- MUMMY FOR THE '90s.
SUG YOU AIN'T HELPING.
YOU KNOW, PEGGY PEOPLE SPEND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS AT A SPA TO GET WRAPPED UP LIKE THAT.
YES, IT'S VERY REFRESHING.
WELL, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR ATTITUDE.
WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT? DIDI'S DEPRESSED AND YOU'RE NOT.
( car horn honks ) OH, THE BABY IS HERE.
OH, GOOD, THE BABY'S HERE.
OKAY, MINH, MAKE SURE DIDI PUTS A HAT ON HIM AND, NANCY, YOU MAKE SURE HE TAKES IT OFF WHEN HE GETS INSIDE THE HOUSE.
BOBBY, HONEY, COME ON IN HERE.
I WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO CHANGE A DIAPER.
Bobby: ALREADY DID IT.
I FED HIM, WASHED HIM, DIAPERED HIM.
G.
H.
IS GOOD TO GO BUT I GOT SPIT-UP ON MY GOOD SHORTS.
PUT THEM BY THE SINK.
I'LL GE RIGHT TO IT BUT MAYBE FOR NOW, JUS PULL DOWN YOUR SHIRT.
HELLO? SOMEONE? PLEASE! SORRY, PEGGY.
I WAS JUST WASHING YOUR UNMENTIONABLES HERE-- YOU KNOW, TOWELS, WASHCLOTHS, THAT SORT OF THING.
HONEY, I THINK A LITTLE PIECE OF PLASTER FELL IN MY UNDERARM.
I-IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
LEFT.
MY LEFT.
( sighs ) YOU KNOW, I THOUGH I'D BE SPENDING MORE TIME DOING SOME-SOME HANDS-ON BABY CARE.
I GUESS THAT WAS JUST A LITTLE UNREALISTIC, HUH? WELL YOU KNOW, HELEN KELLER WAS LARGELY USELESS BUT LOOK HOW WE REMEMBER HER-- FIRST LADY OF THE AMERICAN STAGE.
OH, I FEEL SO STUPID FOR JUMPING.
IT WASN'T WORTH THIS.
I MEAN, WHY DID I DO IT? DO YOU REMEMBER? THIS IS REALLY BUGGING ME, HANK.
UH, UH, CONCENTRATE ON WHERE THE STRAW'S GOING, PLEASE.
HANK, THE STRAW BROKE OFF FIVE MINUTES AGO.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING.
ON THE PLANE I WAS TALKING TO YOU ON A PHONE.
DO PLANES HAVE PHONES? HUH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
I'LL LOOK INTO THAT.
NO, I REMEMBER NOW.
I WAS TALKING TO YOU BUT WHAT DID WE SAY? WELL, YOU KNOW, IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR BUT WITH ALL THE NOISE FROM THE ENGINES AND, THEN, YOU FALLING AND ALL I'M NOT SURE WE'LL EVER KNOW.
PLEASE, HANK YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BE MY MEMORY BECAUSE I DON' HAVE ONE ANYMORE.
DEAL.
( G.
H.
crying ) ( crying continuing ) ( crying continuing ) ( snoring ) ( crying continuing ) ( sighs ) HANK! YEAH? I'M HUNGRY.
HUNGRY? BUT IT'S ONLY OH, OKAY, I'M ON IT.
( G.
H.
crying ) G.
H.
, I'M GETTING IT.
I'M HEATING IT UP.
OH, BOBBY, GOOD MORNING, HONEY.
HOW ARE YOU? DAD, MOM'S TALKING.
( light music tinkling ) HOW ABOUT SOME EGGS?! Hank: YOU DON' HAVE TO YELL.
WE CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE THROUGH THE BABY MONITOR.
( sighs ) WHY AM I BEING FED WITH A BOTTLE, HANK? WELL, WE'RE OUT OF STRAWS.
WELL, I DO NOT WANT TO BE FED WITH A BOTTLE.
I-IT'S JUS EASIER, OKAY? PLEASE? ( gasping ) WHAT IS THAT? WELL, SHOULD BE CARNATION INSTANT BREAKFAST.
Peggy: WELL, IT TASTES LIKE LIKE FORMULA.
UH-OH.
YOU TOOK PEGGY'S BOTTLE AND I TOOK THE BABY'S BOTTLE? ( laughing ) WELL, NOW, THAT'S FUNNY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LOOK, I DO NOT WAN A BOTTLE, OKAY? SHH.
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
SHH I WANT EGGS.
Hank: SHH-SHH-SHH ( crying ) ( lips smacking ) ( crying and lip-smacking continuing ) ( both crying ) MAYBE MOM JUS NEEDS TO BURP.
( crying ) UH, BOBBY, COULD YOU, UH, GIVE US A MOMENT? WHAT'S WRONG? ( burps ) ( crying ): MY LIFE MY LIFE IS RUINED.
I HAD TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.
OH, I'M SORRY, HANK.
I RUINED BOTH OF OUR LIVES.
( sobbing ) OKAY, LOOK, UH IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
IT WAS MY FAULT.
WHAT? I DO REMEMBER WHAT I SAID TO YOU IN THE PLANE.
I NEVER DIDN'T REMEMBER.
I BEGGED YOU TO JUMP, PEGGY.
YOU DIDN'T WANT TO, BUT WELL, I MADE YOU.
HANK, WAIT "JUMP, PEGGY, JUMP.
"IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S THE GREATEST DANG FEELING IN THE WORLD.
" HANK, I'M REMEMBERING.
I DIDN'T JUMP BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO JUMP.
I JUMPED BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU SAID RIGHT AFTER THA ABOUT HOW DIDI WAS STARTING TO HAVE HER BABY.
I JUMPED BECAUSE I WAS JEALOUS.
WELL, YOU CAN STILL HAVE A BABY.
SHE'S THREE YEARS OLDER THAN YOU AND SHE JUS HAD A BABY.
( screaming ) DO YOU KNOW WHAT TORTURE THAT IS? I WAS ONCE ONE OF THE FINEST MOTHERS IN THE STATE OF TEXAS, AND NOW NOW I CAN'T EVEN WIPE A BABY AND I HAVE TO WATCH THOSE TWO, COTTON AND STUPID WITH THEIR BEAUTIFUL NEW BABY THAT THEY DON'T EVEN WANT?! ( crying ) WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT? IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
( chuckles ) IT'S JUST SUCH A LOAD OFF MY MIND.
I FEEL LIGHTER THAN AIR.
( stammers ) I MEAN, I FEEL BAD IN A NEW WAY FOR YOU BECAUSE, UH, OF WHA YOU WERE JUST SAYING THAT STUFF.
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, OKAY? YOU JUST WANT ME TO LEAVE? YES.
SO, LIKE, THE RIGHT THING FOR ME TO DO IS JUST LEAVE EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE CRYING? GO.
HUH.
WELL, I'M SKEPTICAL, BUT OKAY.
( G.
H.
bawling ) CAUGHT BETWEEN THE MOON AND NEW YORK CITY THE BEST THAT YOU CAN DO THE BEST THAT YOU CAN DO IS FALL IN LOVE ( crying continuing ) ( raising an octave ): ARTHUR, HE DOES AS HE PLEASES BOBBY, SINCE YOU'RE DOING ALL THE WOMAN'S WORK AROUND HERE BE A WOMAN AND GET ME MY SHIN JELLY.
G.
H.
KIND OF NEEDS ME RIGHT NOW.
SO, TAKE HIM ALONG.
JUST GET THE JELLY AND LATHER ME UP.
( sighs angrily ) FINE, I'LL GET YOU THE ( hyperventilating ) BOBBY COULD YOU BUY ME SOME LOTTERY TICKETS? I I AM A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY! I AM THIS CHILD'S NEPHEW! I CANNOT DO THIS.
I CAN NOT DO THIS! IF ANYBODY MAKES ANY DINNER I'LL EA BUT THAT'S IT! ALL I'LL DO IS EAT! OH, UH BABY.
HUH.
STOP CRYING.
I OH I'M TIRED.
DIDI? DIDI, ARE YOU LEAVING? NO, PLEASE.
SOMEONE HAS TO WATCH THE BABY BECAUSE UNLESS IT'S FLYING ABOVE MY HEAD, I CANNOT DO IT.
( crying continuing ) ALL RIGHT, HELP.
WOULD SOMEBODY CO HANK! WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG? I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT, RIGHT? YOU KNOW, I HAD A FEELING.
THE BABY YEAH? IT'S CRYING.
IT'S ALWAYS CRYING.
THE BABY HASN'T STOPPED CRYING SINCE IT GOT HERE.
JUST DO SOMETHING.
( crying continuing ) ( crying continuing ) SURE YOU'RE MY BROTHER? HANK! HANK, HEY, WAIT, DON'T GO.
HANK, DON'T GO! ALL RIGHT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH, DAD! ( grunting ) THERE'S A BABY CRYING IN THE HOUSE.
WELL, GO FIX IT.
YOU GO FIX IT.
I AIN'T GETTING NEAR THAT CHILD.
HE'S POSSESSED! HE'S JUST LEAKING A LITTLE MILK.
SURE, IT'S DISTURBING, BUT HE'LL GROW OUT OF IT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW? ARE YOU A LEAKER? ARE YOU LEAKING ON ME RIGHT NOW, LEAKY? ( crying stops ) YOU HEAR THAT? THAT SILENCE? G.
H.
? SOMETHING'S WRONG.
( whispering ): ISN'T IT AMAZING? IT'S THE GREATEST DANG FEELING IN THE WORLD.
Cotton: A NAZI, NAZI SQUAZI?
GO! YOU WANNA JUMP OR NOT? YOU'VE GOT MY CHECK.
WHAT DO YOU CARE? I KNOW WHERE THE ARLEN HOSPITAL IS.
CAN YOU HOLD IT IN? OH! PEGGY, IT'S AMAZING.
YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT.
UNCLE HANK, DIDI'S HAVIN' THE BABY RIGHT NOW.
WAIT.
AAAH! PULL THE CORD! YOUR EMERGENCY CORD! HEY! AAAH! AAAH! PEGGY? PEGGY! AH AH I-I THINK MY WIFE, I-I THINK, MIGHT BE DEAD.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( shrieks ) ( grunting ) PEGGY! Bobby: DANG IT, DIDI! PUSH! IT'S OKAY, SON.
THE BABY'S HERE.
HE'S BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT'S HIS NAME? HERE YOU GO TO CUT THE UMBILICAL CORD.
OH MY UNCLE.
PEGGY! PEGGY! ( gasps ) AUNT PEGGY! ( sobbing ) ( incoherent mutters ) OKAY, THINK "ONE PIECE.
" PEGGY.
( weakly ): HEY, HEY, HEY.
OH, GOD, YOU'RE ALL SMASHED UP.
I'M ALIVE.
UNCLE HANK-- WE'RE TOO LATE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HOLD YOUR BABY NOW? I'M NO THE FATH YES, I WOULD.
OKAY, MOVE IT.
KEEP HER STRAIGHT.
PLEASE, SIR, DON'T TOUCH HER.
OH, GOD.
Man on TV: Aikman takes the snap.
Quick pass over the middle to Smith.
To the 20! The 10! Emmitt Smith scores! YES! HANK HILL? I WASN'T WATCHING.
UH, JUST FOR A SECOND.
I-I'VE NO IDEA WHAT THE SCORE IS.
I COULDN'T TELL YOU.
HEH.
YOUR WIFE IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
( sighing ): YES.
PEGGY HAS A COMPRESSION FRACTURE OF THE BONES IN HER BACK.
THANK GOODNESS FOR THE MUD.
SHE WOULD NO HAVE SURVIVED IF SHE HAD FALLEN ON CONCRETE, MR.
HILL.
OR A FENCE.
BUT SHE'S OKAY? YES, THEY'RE PUTTING HER INTO A BODY CAST RIGHT NOW TO IMMOBILIZE HER WHILE SHE HEALS.
UH, WHAT COLOR IS THE CAST? WHAT DOES THAT MATTER, MR.
HILL? I-I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE NEVER BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE.
I'M JUST TRYING TO ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS.
IT'S WHITE.
SPONGE BATH.
BEDPAN.
THANK YOU.
( humming ) PEGGY? HANK! COME ON IN.
LOOK AT ME.
I'M IN AN ENSEMBLE.
MY TOP CAS AND MY BOTTOM CAST MATCH.
( chuckles ) ( chuckles ) YEAH, QUALITY PLASTER.
( frantic sobbing ) WELL, I'M GUESSING THAT WAS LUANNE.
OH, I WISH SHE WOULDN' FEEL SORRY FOR ME WHEN I FEEL SO TERRIFIC FOR ME.
I HAVE HAD A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE.
MOST PEOPLE NEVER GET THA EXCEPT WHEN IT'S RIGHT NEX TO THEIR DEATH EXPERIENCE AND THEN THEY CAN' APPRECIATE IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S ODD? THE LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS DECIDING NOT TO JUMP.
HANK, WHAT OR WHO WOULD HAVE MADE ME CHANGE MY MIND? UH OH, I'M NOT SURE.
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I WASN'T IN THE PLANE.
I WAS ON THE GROUND, REMEMBER? I'M THE ONE WHO FOUND YOU, HEH.
HMM.
I FELL 8,000 FEET AND SURVIVED! WHOO-HOO-HOO! ( grunting ) BOBBY? DAD! THANK GOD! I NEED A DOLLAR BAD.
MOM? BOBBY? YOU REALLY FELL OU OF A PLANE? YES, SIR, I DID.
YOUR MOM IS ONE OF ONLY 16 PEOPLE WHO HAVE SURVIVED PARACHUTES NOT OPENING.
NOW, 16 IS MY ESTIMATE.
I'LL DOUBLE-CHECK MY NUMBERS LATER.
UM, I'M SORRY ABOUT BEFORE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME.
( sobbing ): OH, GOD! WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU JUMP OUT OF A PLANE? TH-THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT.
WELL, DON' TRY TOO HARD 'CAUSE THE DOCTOR SAYS THAT COULD, UH, HUR YOUR BONES SOMEHOW.
SO, UH, BOBBY, HOW WAS YOUR DAY? MY DAY? DON'T GET ME STARTED! MY DAY WAS INCREDIBLE.
I WAS DIDI'S BIRTHING PARTNER.
I CU THE UMBILICAL CORD! DIDI! WHERE'S DIDI? HANK, WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR WIFE? I DIDN'T TEACH YOU THAT.
WHERE'S MY NEW DEPENDENT? I'M SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT IT.
WHERE DID I PUT? OH, THERE IT IS.
Bobby: UNCLE I PRESENT YOU TO YOUR FATHER! LOOK AT HIM! HIS SHINS ARE PERFECT.
( cooing ) LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE A HANDSOME LITTLE SOLDIER.
YOU WANT TO KILL A NAZI? A NAZI, NAZI, SQUAZI? ( uttering baby talk ) A NAZI SQUAZI.
( baby talk continues ) DIDI, DID YOU NAME THIS BABY YET? WHAT'S THE USE? I'M CALLING HIM "HANK.
" I ALWAYS WANTED A BOY NAMED HANK.
UH, DAD, HANK IS MY NAME.
NOT ANYMORE.
I'M TAKING IT BACK.
HE'S HANK.
YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY A GROWN MAN'S NAME.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL CALL HIM "G.
H.
"-- GOOD HANK.
DID YOU SEE THE WAY MY BOY LOOKED AT THAT NURSE? PRACTICALLY SLAPPED HER RUMP, THEN AND THERE.
YEAH, UNCLE GOOD HANK IS REALLY SOMETHING SPECIAL.
DAD, THIS ISN'T RIGHT.
YOU CALL HIM "GOOD HANK" IT'S GOING TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I'M "BAD HANK.
" WELL, YOU BURNT MY BURGER, DIDN'T YOU, B.
H.
? ( thundering ) PEGGY, YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT.
IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S THE BEST DANG FEELING IN THE WORLD.
OH, NO DON'T TELL HER THAT.
WHY DID YOU TELL HER THAT? OH NO, OF COURSE IT'S SAFE.
IT'S FAIL-SAFE.
I GUARANTEE YOU'LL LOVE IT.
I COMMAND YOU TO JUMP.
IF YOU LOVE ME, YOU'LL JUMP.
JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! THERE WE GO.
OKAY, NOW YOU TRY.
AH, WE'LL SEE ABOUT ALL THIS.
OKAY, PUT THIS OVER THERE GOOD.
TUCK THIS LITTLE NIBLE IN THERE.
CLOSE UP SHOP.
THERE READY FOR SOILING.
WHAT THE? THE KID IS LEAKING OUT OF HIS CHEST! THAT'S FROM HIS NIPPLES.
IT'S A FORM OF LACTATION.
DANG IT! YOU SAID IT WAS A BOY.
HE IS.
HE'S SIMPLY BEEN INGESTING A LOT OF FEMALE HORMONES FROM HIS MOTHER.
IT'S SO COMMON, IT HAS A NAME-- WITCH'S MILK.
OH, LORD, WHAT DID I DO? WAS IT THE FIDDY MEN I KILLED? Peggy: OH, THE MATERNITY WARD CEILING.
OH, IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY SON WAS BORN AND I AM ALSO REMINDED OF WHEN MY NEXT CHILD WILL BE BORN.
WHY ISN'T THE BABY WITH HIS MOTHER? DIDI HILL HAS POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION.
SHE COULDN'T EVEN GATHER UP THE STRENGTH TO PUT ON SOME LIPSTICK, AND SHE LOOKS AWFUL.
OH, THAT POOR INFANT BABY.
IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO? ( laughing ) OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.
YOU JUST TRY NO TO GET ADDICTED TO THAT MORPHINE.
YOU DID THIS TO MY SON.
THERE'S NO MILK COMING OUT OF THESE.
Peggy: COTTON, STOP IT.
YOU SHOULD BE COMFORTING HER.
COMFORT HER? COMFORT ME! MR.
HILL, YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY'S AUTOMATED VOICE SAYS YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOSPITAL TODAY IN 85 MINUTES.
BUT I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF A DRIPPIN' WITCH CHILD.
CAN'T WE JUS STAY HOSPITALIN' UNTIL DIDI GETS HER BRAINS BACK? ( laughing ): WELL MAYBE IF YOU WERE THE RICHEST MAN IN AMERICA.
MORE FLOWERS, MR.
HILL? WELL, DON'T UNWRAP THEM.
WELL, WHY NOT? THEY TOLD ME DOWNSTAIRS THEY SHOULD BE PLACED IN WATER YOU, YOUR WIFE AND THOSE FLOWERS ARE GOING HOME TODAY.
BUT PEGGY'S GOT A BROKEN BACK.
I KNOW.
I TOLD YOU THAT.
BUT SHE WANTS TO BE DISCHARGED.
I'M NOT SO WORRIED ABOUT HER BACK.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT HER EMOTIONAL STATE.
YEAH, BUT SHE SEEMS SO HAPPY.
YEAH, WELL, ONCE THE THRILL OF SURVIVING WEARS OFF-- AND IT DOES, TRUST ME-- JET SKI, JULY, '94-- SHE MAY EXPERIENCE A SECOND CRASH WHEN SHE FEELS HER OWN LIMITATIONS.
WELL, THERE WON'T BE ANY SECOND CRASH.
AS LONG AS I'M AROUND I WON'T LET HER FEEL ANY LIMITATIONS.
THERE'S NO NEED FOR YOU TO FEEL THIS GUILTY.
YOU DIDN'T MAKE HER JUMP.
UH, YEAH.
UH, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD PUT THA ON HER CHART? PEGGY, I'M HERE.
HEY, WE'RE GOING HOME TODAY.
I HAVE PACKED MYSELF UP WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM THE NURSES.
( sighing ) ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY? WELL, HONEY, READY OR NOT, I HAVE GOT TO GO.
I INVITED COTTON AND DIDI AND THE BABY TO STAY WITH ME UNTIL THEY CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM ON THEIR OWN.
YOU THINK YOU CAN HELP THEM TAKE CARE OF A BABY? IF THAT POOR FARM BOY WHOSE ARMS WERE RIPPED OFF BY A THRESHER COULD DIAL 9-1-1 WITH HIS NOSE THEN I THINK PEGGY HILL CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT BABY.
MAYBE I'LL SIGN I ON THE STOMACH.
NO, THE LEG.
NO, THE STOMACH.
JUST ACT NATURAL.
BACK OFF! BACK OFF, EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY! OH! THAT'S OUR FAULT, PEGGY NOT YOUR FAULT.
TRY THE BACK DOOR.
IT'LL FIT.
AM I IN A VERY WIDE BED? WELL, MAYBE WE CAN GET HER IN AT AN ANGLE.
COME ON, GUYS.
ALL RIGHT, ON THREE.
Boomhauer: SAY LIFT ON THREE, MAN YOU OL' MEAN TO GIVE OL' ONE, TWO DANG OL' THREE THEN GO OR DO YOU KIND OF LIF RIGHT ON ON THREE? Hank: JUST LIFT NOW, OKAY? NOW! TILT TOWARDS ME.
NO, TOWARD FINE, AWAY FROM ME.
HI, PEGGY.
Peggy: HELLO, BILL.
I THINK A "THANK YOU" WOULD BE IN ORDER, PEGGY.
DALE, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
OKAY, ENOUGH.
I'M BETTER OFF IN THE LIVING ROOM ANYWAY.
I CAN RUN THE WHOLE HOUSE FROM HERE.
HUB OF THE WHEEL, HUB OF THE WHEEL.
UH, LUANNE, I THINK YOU GOT TWO PEOPLE SITTING IN THE SAME CHAIR, THERE.
BUT THAT'S AUNT PEGGY'S PLACE.
I CAN'T JUST PUT SOMEONE THERE LIKE SHE DOESN'T EXIST.
SHE'S STILL ALIVE I THINK.
( sobbing ) ( sighs ) YEAH, UH, YOU KNOW MAYBE IT MIGHT DO US ALL SOME GOOD IF-IF YOU GO AWAY FOR A WHILE.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A FEW NIGHTS AT THE MOTEL ARLEN, MY TREAT? HIGHWAY NINE OR SIX? NINE.
NO, THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, SIX.
( laughing ): YES! CAST MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD FOR PEGGY HILL LIKE YOU MUMMY MUSEUM PIECE BUT WITH ATTITUDE-- MUMMY FOR THE '90s.
SUG YOU AIN'T HELPING.
YOU KNOW, PEGGY PEOPLE SPEND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS AT A SPA TO GET WRAPPED UP LIKE THAT.
YES, IT'S VERY REFRESHING.
WELL, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR ATTITUDE.
WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT? DIDI'S DEPRESSED AND YOU'RE NOT.
( car horn honks ) OH, THE BABY IS HERE.
OH, GOOD, THE BABY'S HERE.
OKAY, MINH, MAKE SURE DIDI PUTS A HAT ON HIM AND, NANCY, YOU MAKE SURE HE TAKES IT OFF WHEN HE GETS INSIDE THE HOUSE.
BOBBY, HONEY, COME ON IN HERE.
I WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO CHANGE A DIAPER.
Bobby: ALREADY DID IT.
I FED HIM, WASHED HIM, DIAPERED HIM.
G.
H.
IS GOOD TO GO BUT I GOT SPIT-UP ON MY GOOD SHORTS.
PUT THEM BY THE SINK.
I'LL GE RIGHT TO IT BUT MAYBE FOR NOW, JUS PULL DOWN YOUR SHIRT.
HELLO? SOMEONE? PLEASE! SORRY, PEGGY.
I WAS JUST WASHING YOUR UNMENTIONABLES HERE-- YOU KNOW, TOWELS, WASHCLOTHS, THAT SORT OF THING.
HONEY, I THINK A LITTLE PIECE OF PLASTER FELL IN MY UNDERARM.
I-IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
LEFT.
MY LEFT.
( sighs ) YOU KNOW, I THOUGH I'D BE SPENDING MORE TIME DOING SOME-SOME HANDS-ON BABY CARE.
I GUESS THAT WAS JUST A LITTLE UNREALISTIC, HUH? WELL YOU KNOW, HELEN KELLER WAS LARGELY USELESS BUT LOOK HOW WE REMEMBER HER-- FIRST LADY OF THE AMERICAN STAGE.
OH, I FEEL SO STUPID FOR JUMPING.
IT WASN'T WORTH THIS.
I MEAN, WHY DID I DO IT? DO YOU REMEMBER? THIS IS REALLY BUGGING ME, HANK.
UH, UH, CONCENTRATE ON WHERE THE STRAW'S GOING, PLEASE.
HANK, THE STRAW BROKE OFF FIVE MINUTES AGO.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING.
ON THE PLANE I WAS TALKING TO YOU ON A PHONE.
DO PLANES HAVE PHONES? HUH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
I'LL LOOK INTO THAT.
NO, I REMEMBER NOW.
I WAS TALKING TO YOU BUT WHAT DID WE SAY? WELL, YOU KNOW, IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR BUT WITH ALL THE NOISE FROM THE ENGINES AND, THEN, YOU FALLING AND ALL I'M NOT SURE WE'LL EVER KNOW.
PLEASE, HANK YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BE MY MEMORY BECAUSE I DON' HAVE ONE ANYMORE.
DEAL.
( G.
H.
crying ) ( crying continuing ) ( crying continuing ) ( snoring ) ( crying continuing ) ( sighs ) HANK! YEAH? I'M HUNGRY.
HUNGRY? BUT IT'S ONLY OH, OKAY, I'M ON IT.
( G.
H.
crying ) G.
H.
, I'M GETTING IT.
I'M HEATING IT UP.
OH, BOBBY, GOOD MORNING, HONEY.
HOW ARE YOU? DAD, MOM'S TALKING.
( light music tinkling ) HOW ABOUT SOME EGGS?! Hank: YOU DON' HAVE TO YELL.
WE CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE THROUGH THE BABY MONITOR.
( sighs ) WHY AM I BEING FED WITH A BOTTLE, HANK? WELL, WE'RE OUT OF STRAWS.
WELL, I DO NOT WANT TO BE FED WITH A BOTTLE.
I-IT'S JUS EASIER, OKAY? PLEASE? ( gasping ) WHAT IS THAT? WELL, SHOULD BE CARNATION INSTANT BREAKFAST.
Peggy: WELL, IT TASTES LIKE LIKE FORMULA.
UH-OH.
YOU TOOK PEGGY'S BOTTLE AND I TOOK THE BABY'S BOTTLE? ( laughing ) WELL, NOW, THAT'S FUNNY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LOOK, I DO NOT WAN A BOTTLE, OKAY? SHH.
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
SHH I WANT EGGS.
Hank: SHH-SHH-SHH ( crying ) ( lips smacking ) ( crying and lip-smacking continuing ) ( both crying ) MAYBE MOM JUS NEEDS TO BURP.
( crying ) UH, BOBBY, COULD YOU, UH, GIVE US A MOMENT? WHAT'S WRONG? ( burps ) ( crying ): MY LIFE MY LIFE IS RUINED.
I HAD TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.
OH, I'M SORRY, HANK.
I RUINED BOTH OF OUR LIVES.
( sobbing ) OKAY, LOOK, UH IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
IT WAS MY FAULT.
WHAT? I DO REMEMBER WHAT I SAID TO YOU IN THE PLANE.
I NEVER DIDN'T REMEMBER.
I BEGGED YOU TO JUMP, PEGGY.
YOU DIDN'T WANT TO, BUT WELL, I MADE YOU.
HANK, WAIT "JUMP, PEGGY, JUMP.
"IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S THE GREATEST DANG FEELING IN THE WORLD.
" HANK, I'M REMEMBERING.
I DIDN'T JUMP BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO JUMP.
I JUMPED BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU SAID RIGHT AFTER THA ABOUT HOW DIDI WAS STARTING TO HAVE HER BABY.
I JUMPED BECAUSE I WAS JEALOUS.
WELL, YOU CAN STILL HAVE A BABY.
SHE'S THREE YEARS OLDER THAN YOU AND SHE JUS HAD A BABY.
( screaming ) DO YOU KNOW WHAT TORTURE THAT IS? I WAS ONCE ONE OF THE FINEST MOTHERS IN THE STATE OF TEXAS, AND NOW NOW I CAN'T EVEN WIPE A BABY AND I HAVE TO WATCH THOSE TWO, COTTON AND STUPID WITH THEIR BEAUTIFUL NEW BABY THAT THEY DON'T EVEN WANT?! ( crying ) WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT? IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
( chuckles ) IT'S JUST SUCH A LOAD OFF MY MIND.
I FEEL LIGHTER THAN AIR.
( stammers ) I MEAN, I FEEL BAD IN A NEW WAY FOR YOU BECAUSE, UH, OF WHA YOU WERE JUST SAYING THAT STUFF.
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, OKAY? YOU JUST WANT ME TO LEAVE? YES.
SO, LIKE, THE RIGHT THING FOR ME TO DO IS JUST LEAVE EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE CRYING? GO.
HUH.
WELL, I'M SKEPTICAL, BUT OKAY.
( G.
H.
bawling ) CAUGHT BETWEEN THE MOON AND NEW YORK CITY THE BEST THAT YOU CAN DO THE BEST THAT YOU CAN DO IS FALL IN LOVE ( crying continuing ) ( raising an octave ): ARTHUR, HE DOES AS HE PLEASES BOBBY, SINCE YOU'RE DOING ALL THE WOMAN'S WORK AROUND HERE BE A WOMAN AND GET ME MY SHIN JELLY.
G.
H.
KIND OF NEEDS ME RIGHT NOW.
SO, TAKE HIM ALONG.
JUST GET THE JELLY AND LATHER ME UP.
( sighs angrily ) FINE, I'LL GET YOU THE ( hyperventilating ) BOBBY COULD YOU BUY ME SOME LOTTERY TICKETS? I I AM A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY! I AM THIS CHILD'S NEPHEW! I CANNOT DO THIS.
I CAN NOT DO THIS! IF ANYBODY MAKES ANY DINNER I'LL EA BUT THAT'S IT! ALL I'LL DO IS EAT! OH, UH BABY.
HUH.
STOP CRYING.
I OH I'M TIRED.
DIDI? DIDI, ARE YOU LEAVING? NO, PLEASE.
SOMEONE HAS TO WATCH THE BABY BECAUSE UNLESS IT'S FLYING ABOVE MY HEAD, I CANNOT DO IT.
( crying continuing ) ALL RIGHT, HELP.
WOULD SOMEBODY CO HANK! WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG? I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT, RIGHT? YOU KNOW, I HAD A FEELING.
THE BABY YEAH? IT'S CRYING.
IT'S ALWAYS CRYING.
THE BABY HASN'T STOPPED CRYING SINCE IT GOT HERE.
JUST DO SOMETHING.
( crying continuing ) ( crying continuing ) SURE YOU'RE MY BROTHER? HANK! HANK, HEY, WAIT, DON'T GO.
HANK, DON'T GO! ALL RIGHT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH, DAD! ( grunting ) THERE'S A BABY CRYING IN THE HOUSE.
WELL, GO FIX IT.
YOU GO FIX IT.
I AIN'T GETTING NEAR THAT CHILD.
HE'S POSSESSED! HE'S JUST LEAKING A LITTLE MILK.
SURE, IT'S DISTURBING, BUT HE'LL GROW OUT OF IT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW? ARE YOU A LEAKER? ARE YOU LEAKING ON ME RIGHT NOW, LEAKY? ( crying stops ) YOU HEAR THAT? THAT SILENCE? G.
H.
? SOMETHING'S WRONG.
( whispering ): ISN'T IT AMAZING? IT'S THE GREATEST DANG FEELING IN THE WORLD.
Cotton: A NAZI, NAZI SQUAZI?