Seinfeld s04e01 Episode Script

It's amazing to me that people move thousands of miles away to another city.
They think nothing of it.
They get on a plane.
They live there now.
Just a thousand miles I'm living over there.
You know, pioneers It took years to cross the country.
Now people will move thousands of miles just for one season.
I don't think any pioneers did that.
"Yeah, it took us a decade to get there and we stayed for the summer.
It was nice.
It had a pool.
The kids loved it.
And then we left about 10 years ago, and we just got back.
We had a great summer.
It took us 20 years and now our lives are over.
" - Kramer was on Murphy Brown? - Yeah.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Murphy Brown, the TV show? Come on, will you? Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun.
- It's something, isn't it? - With Candice Bergen.
- I know.
- I've always liked her.
Remember her in Carnal Knowledge? - Sure.
- She show her breasts in that? She's not really the naked type.
I can't believe I missed Kramer.
He asked me to go with him.
- He did? - Yeah.
I turned him down.
- How come you didn't tell me? - He asked me to keep it a secret.
- You can never keep a secret.
- I know.
This was like a record.
My previous record was when Jodi Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody we slept together.
I kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds.
- Well, you've come a long way.
- I've matured.
The Tonight Show called and they want me to do the show on the 28th.
They're giving me free tickets to L.
A.
You wanna go? A free ticket? Yeah.
In fact, we could track down Kramer.
I always felt bad about the way he left.
That was a mess.
I never should've taken back those keys.
- What about accommodations? - All taken care of.
Is there a meal allowance? What about seat assignments? Could I have the kosher meal? I hear the kosher meal is good.
And I need clothes.
I gotta get a haircut.
And I have to refill my allergy medication.
Do I need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal tour? They have that Backdraft exhibit.
Now, that looks very cool to me.
See, my acting technique My personal acting technique is working with color.
Imagining color and then finding the emotional, vibrational mood connected to the color.
If you look through my scripts you'll see that my lines have a special color.
So I don't memorize the language.
I memorize color.
This way, I can go through red, yellow, green, blue.
And you have a full palette of emotions.
Hey.
Didn't I tell you to get out of here? - Did you? - Let's go.
- I was just - Yeah, you were just nothing.
Come on, let's go.
We'll talk about this a little later.
- Let's go.
- Are you an actor? See you, Mike! - Murphy Brown.
- Yeah, Candice Bergen, please.
Who's calling, please? Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
All right, I'll I'll call her at home.
Here.
Go ahead.
It's all yours.
- Hello, Kramer.
- Oh, Helene.
How are you? I haven't worked since 1934.
How do you think I am? Well, that's only - Fifty-eight years.
- It was a Three Stooges short.
"Sappy Pappies.
" I played Mr.
Sugarman's secretary, remember? Right, yeah.
That was a Shemp, right? No, no.
Curly.
The boys played three sailors who find a baby.
The baby's been kidnapped, and the police think they did it.
- Right.
- Of course, they didn't do it.
The police have made an awful mistake.
Moe hits Curly with an ax.
- The Stooges catch the kidnappers.
- Right.
- But it's too late.
- Really? - The baby's dead.
- Really? The boys are sent to death row and are executed.
Well, I don't remember that part.
I play Mr.
Sugarman's secretary.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You were very good.
It was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.
Yeah, well, that was an unusual choice for the Stooges.
Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer? Well, you know, I can't right now, you know.
I got a very big meeting.
I got these people interested in my movie treatment.
So we'll have to make it another time, all right? No, no! No, no, don't go up there, Kramer.
They'll hurt you.
You'll never make it in this town.
You're too sensitive, like me.
Helene, you're wrong.
You know, I'm not that sensitive.
I was engaged to Mickey Rooney.
He left me at the altar.
Kramer.
Kramer! - What is this? - What? We're going on a two-day trip.
What are you, Diana Ross? I happen to dress based on mood.
But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.
Seemingly.
Seemingly.
But within that basic framework, there are many subtle variations only discernible to an acute observer that reflect the many moods, the many shades the many sides of George Costanza.
- What mood is this? - This is "morning mist.
" What do you figure? Twenty? - Twenty-one? - Close enough.
Forensics ought to be able to nail it down.
- No ID? - No ID.
- No witnesses? - Just the trees, Johnny.
Just the trees.
Pretty young thing.
She was.
Not anymore.
Somebody saw to that.
Sure did, Johnny.
Damn shame too.
What do you make of it? I don't know.
But I don't like it.
Look at this guy.
He's like a cat burglar.
He thinks if he goes through real slow, the machine won't detect him.
I've always been nervous about going through these things.
I'm afraid I'm gonna step into another dimension.
Just go.
I made it.
Empty your pockets, please.
Walk through again, please.
Are you sure you don't have metal on you? - Bracelets, rings, anklets? - Anklets? No.
- A lot of men wear anklets.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What do you have in your bag, sir? - My bag? - Step over here, please.
- Over here? - Do you have a knife in the bag? A knife? Open the bag, please.
- What's this? - Moisturizer.
For your wife? No.
I I use it.
Spread your arms and legs, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you.
Have a good trip.
- All right.
- That's it? - That's it.
- All right.
Come on, Jerry, let's go.
- What was that all about? - I must have iron-rich blood.
- Here we go.
L.
A.
- The coast.
La-la land.
- I got the window seat, right? - Who said that? - I called it.
- Oh, no.
It seems to me that the closest thing we have to royalty in America are the people that get to ride in those carts through the airport.
Don't you hate these things? They come out of nowhere.
Beep-beep.
"Cart people.
Look out.
Cart people.
Look out.
" We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants.
"It's cart people.
I hope we didn't slow you down.
Wave to the cart people, Timmy.
They're the best people in the world.
" You know, if you're too fat, slow and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready for air travel.
I hate the people that get onto the moving walkway and then just stand there.
Like it's a ride.
"Excuse me, there's no animated pirates or bears along the way here.
Do your legs work at all?" Yeah, I'm here for the audition.
Which audition? The music video, the horror movie the exercise tape, or the infomercial? Let's see.
Well You scream good.
You too.
- So can I keep this treatment? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
I got 20 copies.
Because I can show it to my manager.
He has connections with West German television money.
Yeah, they're trying to put together a miniseries for me on Eva Braun.
I mean, think about it.
Is that a great idea? We know nothing about Eva Braun, only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.
What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you wear in a bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law? - I could go on and on - Wait, wait, hold on.
Look who's over there.
Don't look, don't look.
It's Fred Savage.
- Big deal.
- He'd be perfect for my movie.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
I gotta go over there.
I gotta give him a copy of my treatment.
Why are you breathing so hard? I'm just a little nervous.
Okay, I gotta relax.
All right.
Wish me luck, huh? Hey.
Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy.
I look weird, but I'm just like you.
I'm just a regular guy trying to make it in this business.
You know, I really like your work.
The - Thank you.
- I can't remember the name.
- My mind's a blank.
I'm nervous.
- That's okay.
- You know - Just relax.
Okay, yeah.
But I got Stupid table.
I'm not normally like this.
Usually I'm cool and charming.
I don't mean to bother you.
It's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me.
It's fate.
You can't avoid your fate.
I got this treatment I think you'd be great in.
- I'll give it to you.
- Yeah, okay.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Oh, wait.
Are you going now? - Bye.
- Wait, wait.
Yeah, that's Kramer.
K-R-A-M-E-R.
I don't know, wavy.
George, how would you describe Kramer's hair? - Curly.
- Wavy.
- What did you ask me for? - Yeah.
I'll hold on.
George, did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand like, crumpled up like a napkin? - No.
Because I had three jokes on it.
They were perfectly worded just the way I wanted to have it.
I can't find it.
Hello? Hey, a shoe-buffing machine.
I don't know, 6'3"? George, how tall is Kramer? You got your own shampoo, conditioner Body lotion, Jerry, body lotion.
- About 6'3".
- A shower cap.
Come in.
Hello.
I have more towels.
Oh, good, good.
Come in, come in.
Welcome.
I'm George.
- Hello.
- Hi.
And this is Jerry over there on the phone.
That's Jerry.
And you are? - Lupe.
- Lupe.
That's very nice.
Listen, are you gonna be making the bed in the morning? - Oh, yes.
- Fine, excellent.
Could you do me a favor? Could you not tuck the blankets in? Because I can't sleep all tucked in.
- Oh, yes, yes.
- Yes.
I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them.
You know what I mean? You know, I don't like them all tucked in.
I just don't.
I like to have a lot of room.
I like to have my toes pointed up in the air.
I just like to scrunch up the blankets.
Yes, yes.
It's too tight to sleep.
Exactly.
You know what I'm talking about, right? Yes.
It's too tight.
- Him too? - You want your blankets tucked in? - What? - Want your blankets tucked in? - What blankets? - When Lupe makes up the beds.
I don't know.
Whatever they do.
I tuck in, yes? Tuck in.
Tuck in.
All right.
So that's one tuck and one no-tuck.
- Okay.
- Yes.
One second, sweetheart.
Jerry, it'd be easier if you didn't tuck.
Excuse me.
Fine.
You don't want me to tuck put me down for a no-tuck.
It's two no-tucks.
Hang on a second.
You know what? Changed my mind.
Make it a tuck.
- You just said you weren't tucking.
- I'm tucking.
Hello? Hello? They hung up on me.
They don't know where Kramer is anyway.
Alrighty.
So that's one tuck and one no-tuck.
You got that? Excuse me.
Did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand here earlier today, crumpled up like a napkin? Oh, yes, yes.
I throw away when we clean the room.
- Oh, okay.
Thanks.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
All right, Lupe, bye-bye now.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
I can't believe she threw that out.
I had the perfect wording of a joke I was gonna do about the airport.
I was gonna do it on The Tonight Show.
Now I can't remember it.
What did you want? You left it on the table.
They're not supposed to throw everything out.
Hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault.
- You shouldn't have left it out.
- All right.
Just get your thing together and let's get out of here.
All right.
Now, what mood am I in? What mood am l? - You shouldn't have tucked.
- I like it tucked.
Nobody tucks anymore.
- Hey, lieutenant? - Yeah.
This was found on her person.
On her person? - What kind of expression is that? - I don't know, sir.
Police lingo.
Oh, yeah? What's your name, son? - Ross.
- Ross.
- You see that person there, Ross? - Yes, sir.
She's dead.
- Have you got that? - Yes, sir.
Good.
Get out before you find yourself on transit patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes.
Yes, sir.
I think we just caught a break.
This is very exciting.
You're on The Tonight Show.
NBC.
Who else is on the show? - I don't know.
- You might meet a celebrity.
I can't believe she threw out my napkin.
What are you worried about? You know it.
- You're gonna be all right here? - Yeah.
Go about your business.
- I'll just wander around.
- All right.
Don't wander too far.
I'll meet you back here in 15 minutes.
Go, go.
Don't worry about me.
Hey.
Corbin Bernsen.
How you doing? - Big fan.
Big fan.
- Thank you.
- Hey, you grew a beard, huh? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm doing a movie during my hiatus.
Hey, you know Do I have a case for you guys to do on L.
A.
Law.
Really.
So mind you, at this point, I'm only going out with her two, three weeks.
So she goes out of town, and she asks me to feed her cat.
So, at this time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and it slips my mind for a few days.
Maybe a week.
Not even a week.
Five, six days.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, what happened? Well, it's the damnedest thing.
The cat dies.
So she comes back.
She finds the cat, lying on the carpet, stiff as a board.
- So you killed the cat? - That's what she says.
I say, "Listen It was an old cat.
It died of natural causes.
" So get this.
Now she tells me that I gotta buy her a brand-new cat.
I say, "Listen, honey, first of all it was a pretty old cat.
I'm not gonna buy you a brand-new cat to replace an old dying cat.
And second of all, I go out to the garbage I find you a new cat in 15 seconds.
" I say, "You show me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation I spring for a new cat.
" So she says something to me, like, I don't know "Get the hell out of here.
" And she breaks up with me.
Now, don't you think that would be a great case on L.
A.
Law? I don't wanna tell you how to run your show No, of course not.
It's enough with the bar already, you know what I'm saying? Have they thought about changing the setting? Doubt it.
I doubt it.
Yeah.
Because people do meet in places besides a bar.
Well, yeah, they do.
What about a rec room, huh? Or a community center.
You ought to write one of those.
I'll bring it up with the producers.
I gotta Fabulous.
I'll think about that, George.
Thank you.
- How's it going? - Great, great.
I actually just had two meaningful, intelligent conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.
- Really? - Yeah.
Not fan talk.
Not gushing.
You know? Actual conversation.
I was incredibly articulate.
You got toilet paper on your heel there.
It's The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
Tonight Jay welcomes Corbin Bernsen, George Wendt and comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.
Oh, yeah.
People are always trying to give me a great case for L.
A.
Law.
Just a few seconds ago, right outside in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says he was supposed to watch this girl's cat while she was away out of town.
Anyway, he forgets to feed the cat.
The cat dies, starves to death.
He kills the cat.
Refuses to get her a new one.
Won't give her any money, won't pay her.
And he wants Arnie Becker to represent him.
Nice guy.
Yeah, that'd make a great case for L.
A.
Law.
Thanks a lot.
He's a very handsome man.
Passionate, intense.
But troubled, strange.
I think he may be in love with me.
Of course, there's nothing abnormal about that.
I have many suitors.
It's funny, because even after all these years we still get people giving us advice how to improve the show.
Actually, a few moments ago, I ran into a nut back there who said that maybe we should think about you know, not doing the show in a bar.
So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, dude you ever kill a man before?" And he said, "What do you think, junior? These hands have been soaking in lvory Liquid?" That guy you talked to, what did he look like? - Short little bald guy with glasses.
- That's the same guy I talked to.
Never ends, does it? So I'm going through the airport, and I put my bag on that little The The conveyor belt.
Issue an arrest warrant.
Put out an APB.
Let's pick up this Kramer.
- I was terrible.
- What, are you crazy? You were fine.
I couldn't remember what I was trying to say.
- That whole thing about the - Conveyor belt.
Yeah.
Because she threw out my napkin.
I can't believe You're blaming Lupe? Yes.
Lupe.
I'm blaming Lupe.
Our top story tonight: There's been a break in the so-called Smog Stranglings.
Police have just released a photo of the suspect being sought in connection with the slaying.
He is known only as Kramer.
Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show.
They're always looking off-camera: "Do we have time? How are we doing on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's the time?" You never see Magnum P.
I.
go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll bop him in the head.
We'll do a commercial, come back, I'll drive the car real fast.
Stay with us.
"