South Park s04e01 Episode Script

comedy central ? I'm going down to south park? ? Gonna have myself a time? ? Friendly faces everywhere? ? Humble folks without temptation? ? Going down to south park? ? Gonna leave my woes behind? ? Ample parking day or night? ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? ? Headed on up to south park? ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? ? So come on down to south park? ? And meet some friends of mine? Mom! Mom! Mom, seriously! Something wonderful has happened! What is it, snookums? Mom, look- The tooth fairy! I put a tooth under my pillow And she gave me $2.
00! She's only given me a lousy quarter before! Oh my, she must think that You are a very special little muffin.
Yeah, this isso tits! Don't say "tits", eric.
Oh, i mean, this is so cool! Well, perhaps now you should take that money And open up a savings account That has compounded daily interest.
Heh, you can compound daily my ass with interest, mom I'm goin' to the toy store, and buy me a skateboard.
But eric, i think maybe The tooth fairy wants you to use that money To learn about saving.
Mom, you don't know what the tooth fairy Wants me to do with this money, okay? You're not the tooth fairy! I'll see you later.
Oh man, this is so tits! You guys, you're not gonna believe this! Oh my god, you guys! Just wait 'til you hear this, you guys! I'm rich! I'm totally rich! Aren't you stoked? What the hell's wrong with cartman? He's fat and he's stupid? Look at what the tooth fairy left me last night! $2.
Oo! No way! For one tooth? For one tooth! Dude, every time i lost a tooth, i only got a quarter.
I only got a jar of gefilte fish.
Well, that doesn't matter, Because i have an idea that is totally tits! Totallywhat? Look, i don't know why the tooth fairy Is being so cool to me, Maybe she's hot for me, i don't know.
But if we all chip in with teeth, Then i can hide them undermy pillow And we can get enough money to buy asega dreamcast! Sega dreamcast? All we need is teeth.
I already lost all my baby teeth.
Me too! Uh-Uh! You still have baby teeth, kenny? Mph-Mmp! Kenny, think about it! Don't you want asega dreamcast? No, i don't! Thank you Alright, kenny's in, you guys! Tits! Okay, the string is tied to kenny's tooth, You ready over there? Almost, you ready, timmy? Timmy! When i say go, You slam your electric wheelchair into high gear, okay, timmy? Timmy! Right, you're timmy.
Timmy! Gimme a-Yah! Mphh-Mphh I'll tell you why it has to be you, kenny.
Because your family is poor, And therefore has bad oral hygene So your teeth are gonna fall out someday, anyway.
If you think about it, You should actually be thanking us.
Oh, thank you, guys! You're welcome, kenny! F- Phk-Ymph! Alright, get ready, timmy.
Timmy! Hey, guys, what are you doin'? What does it look like, butters? We need a tooth, So we're using timmy's wheelchair To pull out one of kenny's.
Oh, hey, i got a loose tooth right here.
You what? You what? You what! Timmy! Yep, one of mine came out not two hours ago.
Uh, butters, could we have it? Well, heck no, you can't have it! Why i'm gonna stick it under my pillow And get money from the tooth fairy, She always gives me 50¢ a tooth! Well, i'll see you, fellas! Dude, maybe we don't have to Rip a tooth out of kenny's mouth.
Yeah, we just have to get butters' tooth.
Whoo-Hoo! How we gonna get it from 'im? I guess we'll have to sneak into his house After he goes to sleep tonight.
Yeah, let's go! Go, timmy, go! No, timmy, wait! Thing won't gimme! Oh! Hey, you guys, i can see kenny's little ping-A-Ling! Wa-Aaa! Higher, you guys! Christ, why did we pick the fat guy to lift up? Ow! Careful, you assholes! To the left, you guys, left! No, camera left! Camera left! That's it, now down! What the- Who's there? Who is that? I am the tooth fairy, my child.
Oh, sorry, miss fairy, i didn't mean to gaze at you, I'm back asleep now, see? Yes! Now i will leave you tidings under your pillow! Oh, gosh, i didn't think you'd be so fat.
Hey! Come on, fat ass! Do not open your eyes until morning Or else i will kick you in the nuts Ahh, in the nuts.
Yes, ma'am! Well? Bullseye! ? Tucky-Tucky time? ? It's the best time of the night? I love that song, mom.
Sing it again! No, honey, mommy's got to save her throat.
I have to work tonight! Okay.
Goodnight! What do you have there, eric? Another tooth fell out today.
I'm leavin' it for the tooth fairy.
Oh my, the tooth fairy will have to give you A big surprise for losing two teeth in two days! I know, huh? You guys! Oh my god, you guys You're not gonna believe it! It's beyond rational thought! Holy crap, you guys! Did the tooth fairy come? $4.
Oo! Oh my god! Oh my god! Do you guys know what this means? Yeah, we just gotta keep finding teeth And putting them under your pillow.
Dentist office.
Oh hello, dr.
Roberts? It's miss cartman.
Oh, yes, miss cartman, what can i do for you? Well, it's my son, He's lost a lot of his baby teeth And i was starting to get worried.
Well, losing baby teeth is a natural thing, miss cartman.
How many has he lost? About 112.
Yes, 15 of them in one night.
Perhaps he should switch toothpaste? Your son wouldn't happen to be an alligator, would he, no? Hmmm, i see.
Well, i'm afraid i can't help you right now.
The american dental association convention is this week, But as soon as i get back, i'll look into it.
Oh, thank you.
Freebie next week! What? Daa- Tooth? What the hell? Mom! Yes, eric.
The stuipid tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night.
Call the police! Oh, eric-Poopy, sit down, Mommy has something to tell you.
It's just that well There is no tooth fairy, eric.
I've been putting all that money under your pillow And because you've had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money And can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.
You almost had me for a second there, mom.
"There's no tooth fairy" I suppose next you're gonna tell me There's no santa claus, easter bunny, or jesus either.
Mom? I'm sorry, eric, all children find out sooner or later.
You're serious? There really is no tooth fairy? No honey, it's just- How could you lie to me, mother? Lie right to my face? Oh eric, it's just part of being a child.
How can i trust you? How can i ever trust anyone ever again, mother? I guess to make it in this life, I can only trust myself.
Myself, and willikins bear, of course.
Eric, eric, wait! No, mother! No more lies! Dude, where's the money? There is no money.
No more money? What are you talking about, cartman? We're only $167 away from getting a sega.
I know! Cartman, what's going on? You guys Oh, god,i don't even know how to tell you this Tell us what? You guys, there's no tooth fairy, you guys.
There, i said it.
What do you mean, there's no tooth fairy? My mom's been giving us the money all this time, Your parents are the ones that left you money.
Dude! That can't be! My parents wouldn't lie to me.
But now my mom has given me so much money That she's bankrupt and we're poor, like kenny.
Don't touch me, kenny.
You're wrong! If my dad says that something is real, Then it's real! Kyle, open your eyes, man! It's not true! Oh, hello, son.
Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh? What? Oh! Kyle, let's have a little talk.
Oh my god, youdidlie to me! No, kyle, she's just make-Believe.
Like peter pan.
Peter pan too!? Kyle! What about moses, and abraham? Well, they were probably real.
Probably? Is atlantis real? Probably not.
Aahhh! But kyle, adults make up those things Because they're fun for children! Fun for children? Look at me, dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! Aaahh! Man, i can't believe all our parents Lied to us about the tooth fairy.
What about dan rather, do you think he's real? Naw man, that's just a tv show.
You guys, you guys! I've figured it out! What? That your parents lied to you too? Yeah, but it's okay, We can still get oursega dreamcast.
How? Look, the tooth fairy is all made up, right? All made up, not real, nothing's real.
So all we have to do, Is go to a really rich kid's house Put our tooth under his pillow Wait for his parents to leave him a whole butt-Load of money Then sneak back in and take it! Woo-Hoo! The kid'll never even know.
Oh dude, that istits! That is big fat oprah tits, right there! Oh my god, what if i'm not real? We can take the bus to the city There's super-Rich people down there.
Yeah! I mean, what if i'm just part of my parent's reality? C'mon, kyle! What if this is all just somebody's dream? Wow! Look at the size of these houses! Told you, dude, Cherry creek is the richest part of denver.
I'll bet these kids get 10 bucks a tooth From the "tooth fairy".
Hey, that house looks perfect! There's obviously kids living there.
Here, you can tell this is the kids's window 'Cuz it's gotmegaman stickers on it.
Cartman,once you're in the kid's room, Leave the tooth under the pillow, then come back out.
We'll wait for the parents to see it and leave money, Then swing you back in to grab it.
Got it.
This is the smartest business venture, ever! What the-? Hey, what the hell are you guys doing? We're gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow Then come back and take the tooth fairy money That his parents leave him.
Hey, you can't do that! Why not? Because that's what we're going to do! Yeah, you ripped off our idea.
What the hell are you talking about? We've been doing this for over 2 years.
Nice tooth fairy costume! You think anybody'd believe you in that? It's better than your dress! You look like a bad jennifer lopez nightmare.
How dare you! Look, this is our turf, You better scram before the boss breaks your legs.
You scram, we were here first! What's going on? Oh, it's the tooth fairies! Oh, nice going! Now you woke him up.
Youwoke him up! I don't have any loose teeth, miss fairies.
But i have been a very good boy.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Alright, that does it! C'mon we're going to see the boss! Who's the boss? Loogie.
My associates here tell me you were working cherry creek tonight.
Is that true? Uh, yeah.
Right on our turf, boss, I ain't never seen that kinda disre- We were there first! Kids been doing the tooth fairy racket in this town for years I do it just like my big brother before me, And my oldest brother before that.
Damn it! And we thought we were so original! Let me ask you something, You were gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow? Then what? What do you mean? How were the kid's parents going to know There was a tooth under their child's pillow? Ha! You guys don't even know How the tooth trade works! What's the tooth trade? Look, any shmuck can sneak through a window Wearing a pretty dress.
The tooth racket is much more involved.
We keep careful track of what houses we've hit So we don't hit the same ones twice in less than 2 months.
We not only have to sneak a tooth under the pillow But leave a note for mom and dad to see.
This is how we let the parents know To leave money under the pillow.
Once the notes have been placed in the last house, We start all over, going back to the first house.
But this time, all we have to do is collect money.
And the kids never know what hit 'em.
Wow! Wow! Wow! The hardest part is getting teeth.
We've tried various places Cemetaries Hockey games Anywhere we can find them.
No! The teeth we do manage to acquire Are then sorted according to size, color and quality.
But there's never enough teeth Never enough.
Amazing! Man, that is tits! And now my only problem is: What do i do with you? Raarr! Tell you what, how would you like to Run the south park tooth racket for me? Oh, i don't know.
It's that or i can cut off you penises.
Hmmm, work for you, or have my penis cut off.
Work for you, or have my? Cartman! How much do we get if we work for you? I'll cut you in at 2% penis cut off? We're in! Fellow dentists, as you all know We are still having numerous reports Of missing teeth from all over the country There are also reports of missing tooth fairy money.
We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this.
A giant half-Chicken, half-Squirrel That steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep In order to build some kind of a giant nest For its genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring.
We believe also, That this creature would have at least a mild understanding Of algebra.
Uh, excuse me, i think i have a more logical theory.
Well, by all means, mr.
Foley, enlighten us.
I think what we've got here is a black market tooth racket.
Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth From another group for a profit.
Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Oh, mr.
Foley, you realize how ridiculous that sounds.
It's not ridiculous, it's very possible! I've seen it happen before.
Where? In montreal.
Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! And where, pray, is this mon-Tree-Al? Look, i know how to handle this.
All we have to do is bring down the kingpin And the rest will fall.
You'll see, i'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks.
Very well, mr.
Foley, you go on your wild goose chase! And meanwhile, we'll deal with therealproblems at hand.
I will! Anyway, the half-Chicken half-Squirrel Would most likely be His large beak is probably detachable And works as a flotation device.
Hello there, children! Hey, chef! Hey, chefhey, chef! We all want double desserts today! Oh, well, i'm afraid that the school charges extra for that.
Oh yeah well, that ain't nothin' but athang.
Oh my god! There's got to be at least $15 here.
That's right, keep the change, my man.
Well, look at you cute little crackers With your money, and your fancy clothes and your cellphones It's almost like you were- Oh my god! Children! What have i old you about drugs? That there's a time and a place for everything And it's calledcollege.
That's right! And the only thing worse than doin' drugs, is dealin' drugs.
I'm gonna tell you about when i was your age And got offered drugs.
Oh, c'mon now.
Hey kid, you wanna try some dope? What? C'mon,kid, don't you wanna get high? Hey man, i don't need dope.
Let me sing you a little song.
? I can't wait until i grow up? ? And my wienie gets big and strong? ? 'Cuz when it does, i'm gonna find you? ? And make love to ya' amanda, all night long? ? I'm gonna make love to ya' amanda in about 10 years? What? What the hell is he talkin' about? And this toothpick is gonna turn into an oak tree.
I'm gonna knock down Uh, chef! Knock you over Chef! Knock you all around.
Chef! Huh? We're not dealing drugs.
You're not? No.
Oh, uh well, children, Whatever you're doing, just remember this: Having money may seem fun but Oh, never mind.
Thanks, chef.
Thanks, thanks, chef.
Damn,that little amanda was fine.
I gotta look her up.
Dude, having this much money is great! Working for loogierules.
Yeah, but you know why do we need loogie? We know how the trade works Why don't we do it ourselves and keep all the profits? We can't do that, dude, loogie will kick our asses.
Oh, what the hell is that little pollock gonna do? C'mon you guys, i say we create our own mob crime family.
Dude, this book says there could be Infinite alternate realities to every reality.
Sure, kyle.
They're what? They're not gonna pay me? Who the hell do they think they are? I want those south park kids dead.
I want their families dead.
I want their houses burnt to the ground.
Oh, hi there mister.
My mommy and daddy are out front if you need 'em.
Let's cut the crap, kid.
My name is tom foley, i'm with the american dental association.
Sit down, mr.
Foley, you want some spaghetti? No, thanks, i just brushed.
I just wanted to let you know that i'm on to you.
I told the a.
D.
A.
A thousand times, I know nothing about teeth.
I'm just an 8 year old boy who likes climbing trees and playing in puddles.
I am going to find out who the boss is, And when i do i'm gonna bust his ass And everyone's ass who helped hide his ass.
So, you brought me 400 ibs.
Of teeth from china? That's right, yeah, it's all top grade stuff, too.
These chinese kids are selling their teeth for peanuts, see? How much? Well, tang lee wants 30, But i can cut you a deal for 28, yeah? What do you say, huh? Can i ask you a question, weasel? Well, why, sure, sure! Do you think i'm an idiot? These are cat teeth, you son-Of-A-Bitch! You're trying to sell me Get outta my sight! You lousy little scum! What! This is your last chance, kid.
Either you give the boss his cut, Or else we're gonna throw your pal into the river Wearing concrete galoshes.
I ain't givin' you crap, kenny's not afraid of you! Oh, my god! This book says that negative and positive are the same thing.
That "real" and "not real" are one! He's not gonna do it? Mprh mprmm mprh! He's not gonna do it, boss.
Well, then, throw him in.
Alright, kid, time to die.
No! No! No! Aw, man, how deep is the platt river? to which ms.
Clinton replied, "i don't even like vagina.
" Finally, tonight a human interest story.
Dan akawa is live.
Thanks, tom, i'm at the house of little billy circlovich Billy is in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant, Or he will most certainly die.
Billy, how much more money do you need for the transplant? Louder, billy, we can't hear ya! Just $600.
Well, that's a lot of money.
How the hell are you gonna get all that In the short amount of time you have left? Well, i don't know.
Well, billy, i also understand that you lost a tooth today.
Billy we want you to put that tooth under your pillow tonight.
Because we have a feeling that the tooth fairy Is going to leave you $600 for it.
Really? Really? Yes, really, $600! I might also mention that billy lives in crestview apartments Just of arapaho road, on emporia street, back to you, tom.
How was that? Perfect! The trap is set.
Now, c'mon, you really think anyone Would fall for something that stupid? $600, you guys! C'mon, get your stuff together, this is gonna be tits! Dude,this book says i don't exist unless i think i do.
But what if i don't? Will somebody take those books away from him? Be sure to put your loose tooth under your pillow, billy.
Okay, mom.
Thank you for helping, gentlemen.
If this sting operation works, Some bogus tooth fairy should be showing up To take the sick kid's money.
When they touch the kid's pillow an alarm will sound And that's when you hit the button, murphy, And activate the lights.
Everybody got it? Got it! Got it! Duh, which button do i hit again, boss? Just kidding, you know how there's always the dumb guy In sting operations in the movies, You know, i was just acting oh.
Hurry up you guys, We gotta get that sick kid's money Before luggie does.
I can't deal with it stan, All the stuff i've been reading, I really don't think i exist.
Dude, just stop thinking about it.
But i can't! What if thinking about it is the only thing Keeping my space-Time together? Sometimes i can see time slowing down, My own existence fading.
Goodnight mom, goodnight dad.
Alright, everyone keep your eyes peeled.
I'm going to bed now, mommy.
I put my tooth under the pillow.
Do you really think the tooth fairy Will give me the money for the transplant? I think so, billy, i think so.
I can't wait to feel healthy and strong again.
Well, you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer, billy 'Cuz that 600 bucks ismine.
"Light is a wave, unless it is observed.
" That means all matter is just a wave.
Nothing's real! Reality- Oh god! It's happening! Kyle? Something strange is happening with the computers! Well, well well, what do we have here? Aw, sh-T! Did you bastards really think That you could hide from me forever? Klauski, put this butt-Wipe out of his misery! I got it! The tooth fairy! Let's move out! Holy crap! Give it up, kids, you're surrounded by dentists.
It was a trap! That's right! And now it's all exposed, you're through! The only thing left to do is haul you kids down to prison.
This is reality.
I am everywhere and nowhere.
What the hell? Kyle? I am nothing, and everything.
Grrrrrr! Ah-Ha, i told you! Let's get out of here! Huh, that was pretty wierd.
Jesus, the little sick kid was a set-Up all along.
How could i be so stupid? I can't believe i fell for such an obvious trap, What the hell's wrong with me? Well, don't take it too hard, dude, That's what grown-Ups do, they lie.
Lie right to your face.
Oh well, maybe it's good my empire has fallen.
Really? Yeah, i kinda wanted to play on the flag football team this year, anyway.
So,you're not gonna hurt us or nothin'? Naw, in a way i'm just glad the whole thing's over with.
Yeah, but you know, i've learned something today.
The basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself.
What we think, the external objects we perceive, Are all like actors that come on and off stage.
But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.
Tits! Timmy! Captions made possible by comedy central Captioned by soundwriters™