Big Bang Theory s04e02 Episode Script

Whatcha doin' there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner? The humorous implication being that I am Wile E.
Coyote? Yes.
And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury? Yes.
(quick chuckle) What I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die.
A lot of people are working on that research.
So what is all this? My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.
Interesting.
Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB.
What's "KBB"? "Killed by badger.
" How's that? It was Thanksgiving.
Uncle Carl said, "I think "there's a badger living in our chimney.
Hand me that flashlight.
" Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.
I don't think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary.
Not true.
The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically.
Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family.
Who's to say that I don't share that flawed DNA? You can always get a badger and find out.
(quick chuckle) But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.
That long, huh? I need to get to here.
What's there? The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.
So, you're upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot? By this much.
Tough break.
You want eggs? You don't get it, Leonard.
I'm going to miss so much-- the unified field theory, cold fusion, the dogapus.
What's a dogapus? The hybrid dog and octopus.
Man's underwater best friend.
Is somebody working on that? I was going to.
I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.
Wait a minute.
You hate dogs.
A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls.
No one can hate that.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! What do we owe you? It came to $28.
17.
Let's say six bucks apiece.
Here you go.
Thank you.
What? Never mind.
I got it.
Oh, you wanted me to pay.
- It's no big deal.
- No, no, no, no.
You're right.
We're not going out anymore; I should pay for myself.
(both snickering) What? He said, "If he had woman parts, he'd eat for free the rest of his life"" Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to talk to yourself.
I'm a little low on cash.
- How much you got? - Nothing.
How can you walk around with no money? I'm cute.
I get by.
It's okay, you can owe me.
Thank you.
Sheldon, six bucks.
No, thank you.
I'm not eating pizza tonight.
But it's Thursday.
Thursday's pizza night.
Not for me.
Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night.
Tonight's selection: Brussels sprouts.
Really? You're changing the Sheldonian calendar? - It's a small price to pay.
- For what? - No, no, don't ask.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.
Wait.
Cybernetics is robot stuff, right? Correct.
So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot? Essentially, yes.
Okay, here's my question.
Didn't you already do that? No.
Flattering, but sadly, no.
I'm also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system.
AKA jogging.
Wait.
Honey, have you ever run before? Certainly.
I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens and one particularly persistent P.
E.
teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.
You're right.
Penny jogs.
Maybe you guys can run together.
That's an excellent idea.
Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
No, it won't.
Um, how does he know I jog? Oh, he watches you from his car with high-powered binoculars.
Oh, my God, that is so creepy! I know! And he says he's not gonna stop.
Then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.
(knocking) (Sheldon groans) (knocking continues) (groans) (knocking) (loud groan) What the hell? What's the matter? I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen.
I'm nauseated and feverish.
I believe I may have cholera.
There's no cholera in Pasadena.
Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena.
Well, if it's not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung's Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.
When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms? It's part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than- vigilant proprietor.
Oh, Lord, my belly! Ever had your appendix out? I haven't.
I've been meaning to, but who has the time? Let's get you to the hospital.
So this is how it ends with cruel irony.
Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ.
Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard? No.
I do.
And yet I'm doomed while you live on.
Funny how things work out, isn't it? Oh, Lord, I think it's about to burst! (loud fart) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.
Good night.
Good night.
(door closes) Appendicitis.
What a nervous Nelly.
Penny! Penny! Penny! Coming, coming.
Hey, nice knees.
Thank you.
They're my mother's.
Oh.
And the Flash shirt is what? Because, what, you're gonna run really fast? No, the Flash shirt is because it's Friday, but it's nice when things work out.
- Where's your heart rate monitor? - I don't have one.
- What about your pedometer?- - Don't have one.
Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod? - Uh, no.
- What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny? No.
I just run till I'm hungry, then I stop for a bear claw.
Why are you doing that? It's good to stretch your muscles before you run.
- All right.
- All right, let's start with a toe touch.
(exhales) Okay, you do it.
I am doing it.
Oh.
Wow.
Good job.
Okay, um, can you do this? We'll never know.
Okay, let's just warm up on the run.
- Okay.
- Okay, let's go.
I've been reading up on biomechanics.
I think you'll be surprised at my (both yell and tumbling down stairs) PENNY: Oh, my God, are you okay? SHELDON: I think so.
- Oh, let me help you up.
- Thank you.
(loud fart) Oh, Sheldon! If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer Cruciferous Vegetable Night.
Here's my chicken curry.
Howard, your shrimp biryani.
- Thank you, sir.
- Palak paneer, that's Penny.
- Thanks.
- And for Rajesh Koothrappali, from whose homeland these tasty dishes originate, one large order of chicken McNuggets.
- Hey, what's my share? - Uh 12 bucks.
- Okay, can I get you after Friday when I get paid? - Sure.
What am I up to now? Well, okay, with the Indian food, the pizza, the Thai food, the tank of gas, the frozen yogurt and your rent, uh a little over $1,400.
(both snickering) What now? He's just expressing his admiration that you don't even have to put out to get free stuff.
It's not free-- I'm gonna pay him back.
(snickering) Shut up! Sheldon, are you gonna join us? Coming! Greetings, friends.
Greetings, whatever the hell you are.
I am a mobile virtual presence device.
Recent events have demonstrated to me that my body is too fragile to endure the vicissitudes of the world.
Until such time as I am able to transfer my consciousness, I shall remain in a secure location and interact with the world in this manner.
Really? That's your question-- when did he put a ramp in? You're in my spot.
This may seem a little odd at first, but over time, you'll grow accustomed to dealing with me in this configuration.
Yeah, to be honest, I don't see much difference.
Thank you.
That's what I was going for.
Now, Leonard, tomorrow, when we go to work, you'll need to allow some extra time to get me down the stairs.
For your convenience, I disassemble into four pieces.
This is ridiculous.
I'm coming to talk to you.
(stammers) You don't know where I am.
My physical body is safely ensconced in a secure, undisclosed location.
You're in your bedroom.
No, I'm not.
I can hear your voice coming from your bedroom.
(softly): No, you can't.
Wait.
Come back.
Halt.
Authorized personnel only! So, either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? Only 1,400 bucks.
Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
I'm behind you.
Please look at me when you're talking to me.
I am looking at you.
No, you're not.
Pay no attention to that man in the bed.
You cannot exist as a virtual presence.
Not here and certainly not at work.
Oh, good God.
At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die? At the hands of your roommate? An accident.
That's how I'm going to make it look.
Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.
Fine, but don't expect my help.
You have to help-- it's in the roommate agreement.
No, it's not.
Section 74.
C.
The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot.
I'll be damned.
This is delightful.
Uh-huh.
It's much easier to enjoy the picturesque route we travel to work when you remove the specter of fiery vehicular death.
Refresh my memory.
Why didn't I just put you in the trunk? Because I called shotgun.
Remember? Right.
You seem tense.
Perhaps this will relax you.
(peaceful recorder music playing) I don't want to listen to music, Sheldon.
Very well.
I don't understand why you're not enjoying this.
Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider.
Except in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.
You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive.
There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body.
How many can you name? I was wrong-- this is exactly like Knight Rider.
Perhaps you'd be interested in a different game.
No.
This is a photograph of the 1911 Solvay Conference on the theory of radiation and quanta.
Using Photoshop, I've introduced a few anachronisms.
See if you can spot all 24.
I'll give you the first one.
Madame Curie should not be wearing a digital watch.
And go.
(Jeopardy! theme playing over recorder) That's it.
Bye-bye.
(music stops) - Bazinga.
- Whoa! (tires screeching, horn honking) I have an override switch.
I almost died! And I'm safe and sound in bed.
Who's crazy now? I'm still going to go with you.
Hello, Professor Hoskins.
Nice to see you, Mindy.
And konnichiwa, Dr.
Nakamora.
Sorry the Swedes disproved your theory.
Leonard, my door.
What about it? Be a lamb and open it for me.
Why? What's the problem? You think you have me stymied, don't you? No, I think a doorknob has you stymied.
Oh, look, it's Leonard and R2-D-Bag.
That's my joke.
I told it last night.
You can't just use it.
Raj, be a lamb and open the door for me.
Oh, sure.
He's a lamb.
You're not.
I'm a lamb.
Isn't this nice? The pleasures of fellowship and camaraderie without having to tolerate your germy breath on my skin.
I say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas.
That's two, dude.
Write your own jokes.
Oh, great.
(clears throat) Hi, I'm Penny, I'll be your waitress.
Why are you introducing yourself? I'd rather people not know I have any prior connection to you whatsoever.
Can you tell me the specials this evening? Sheldon, I'm not waiting on you.
Obviously.
I don't even have water yet.
Because you're not here.
That's discrimination against the otherwise located.
I'm going to have to go over your head.
Manager manager.
Oh, Lord, look who it is.
Is that Steve Wozniak? I think it is.
The Great and Powerful Woz.
Penny, Steve Wozniak was one of the co-founders of Apple Computer.
- He and Steve Jobs started it - Yeah, I know who he is.
I watch Dancing with the Stars.
I must speak to him.
Of course you must.
You know, there's an Olive Garden down the street.
You guys should try it sometime.
Excuse me, Mr.
Wozniak? Oh, hey.
Nice virtual presence device.
Thank you.
I just want to say I'm a big fan.
You're my 15th favorite technological visionary.
Only 15th? It's still six spots above Steve Jobs.
I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship.
Yeah, I never got that turtleneck thing.
One of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple II.
Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.
3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement.
Thanks, we were shooting for "nifty.
" You know, if you had it here, I'd autograph it for you.
Don't move for 15 to 30 minutes, depending on how the buses are running.
Nerds.
(panting) I'm coming, Woz, I'm coming.
(gasps) Ow! (clattering) Oh! (shattering) Aw.
Penny Penny Penny.
What up, Shel-Bot? I can't get out of bed.
I hurt my ankle.
What do you want me to do? Sing me "Soft Kitty.
" Really, you want me to sing "Soft Kitty" to a computer monitor? Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person? Soft kitty, warm kitty Little ball of fur Closer to the microphone.
Happy kitty, sleepy No.
You have to start over.
Soft kitty, warm kitty Little ball of fur Happy kitty, sleepy kitty Purr, purr, purr.