Desperate Housewives s04e02 Episode Script

iously on the new neighbor oh,my god.
katherine.
turned out to be an old friend of susan's - and that pine tree in the back yard - it's my pride and joy.
who had a problem making new friends.
oh,it absolutely kills me to have to ask you to cut it down.
her daughter couldn't recall the past.
- i'm julie's mom.
- who's julie again? your best friend when you were little.
- but her husband had news for susan.
- you're pregnant.
- lynette revealed her condition.
- i have canr.
gaby and carlos began a secret affair.
- can you get away tonight? - are you serious? and edie uncovered a secret of another sort.
why didn't you ever tell me about your offshore bank account-- the one with $10 million in it? the great crime wave hit wisteria lane on a tuesday afternoon.
that's when residents found their barbecues upended their clean laundry trampled and their skateboards missing.
naturally,everyone began to ask who could be responsible for such carnage.
the answer lay in the home of a neighbor who,20 minutes earlier,had been engaging in an altogether different type of crime.
oh,i gotta get back.
i told edie i was just going for a jog.
do i look sweaty enough for a 5-mile run? yeah.
unfortunately,it's my sweat.
mmm.
mmm.
when are you gonna dump her? it's complicated,okay? besides,i don't see you in any big hurry to dump victor.
generally speaking, women don't leave their husbands for guys who have girlfriends.
just boot the bitch.
what are you afraid of? hey,i am not afraid of-- oh,my god! what the hell's the matter with you? edie! gaby,you in there? okay.
one second! edie! what brings you here? i'm looking for carlos.
he went for a run,but it was hours ago.
sorry.
haven't seen him.
really? because ida greenberg said that she thought she saw him on your porch.
uh,that's impossible,because he's there! there he is! what? carlos! he's at your house.
- oh,he just let himself in.
- oh.
there you go.
he's home.
okay.
well,thanks.
you told her i was at home.
so? so i'm not at home.
i'm here.
what the hell am i supposed to do? edie! edie,wait! wait,wait,wait! don't go! don't go! why? uh,you,uh,have a birthday coming up, and,uh,i don't know what to get ya.
or maybe a coffeepot or scented hangers or a nice clock radio.
gaby,i don't have time for this.
why don't you just surprise me? uh,wait,but don't go! i-i need a little more guidance! damn it,boys! you should not be screwing around in the streets! somebody's gonna get hurt! carlos! can you believe this? someone broke into our house.
oh,my god.
and so ended the great crime wave on wisteria lane.
no one ever found out who was responsible ew.
honey,you're all sweaty.
go clean up.
because it was an inside job.
you will never see despair here or rage.
you will never see the tiniest bit of regre you see,the people who live here have learned there is one sure way of hiding their secretsfrom their neighbors.
that's why,in the suburbs, there is nothing more deceptive than a smile.
so what did julie say,exactly? she said dylan's not the same girl.
not the same girl like she's changed, or not the same girl because she's been replaced by a robot? i know it sounds weird,but julie says dylan does not remember anything about living here.
well,maybe she blocked it out.
did something bahappen to her when she was young? i'm not sure.
but there was somethingodd about the way they left.
so if it isn't the early morning gossip brigade.
who are we dishing today? uh,susan.
she's standing right there.
oh,my god.
have you been there this whole time? anyway,i wanted to talk to you girls about lynette.
what about her? well,since she's been so tired from chemo, i thought it'd be nice if we did something for her, like bring her lunch? - uh,that sounds great.
- yeah,let's do it.
um,gaby,why don't you bring your vegetable lasagna? susan,you do beverages, and,uh,katherine, why don't you bring a simple green salad? i'd rather bring dessert.
oh,no need,dear.
i always bring dessert.
oh,i'm thinking my lemon meringue pie.
oh,yum.
yeah,here's the thing.
the movers lost my salad bowl.
my pie plates,on the other hand-- will not be needed.
as i said,i always bring dessert.
i know.
i will lend you my salad bowl.
you really don't wanna miss bree's pie.
it's perfect.
who am i to argue with perfection? oh,sorry.
it's justsomething has been driving me crazy.
now you're perfect.
d-does it hurt? it's a little uncomfortable,but i'm fine.
take a card.
hey,i told you i'm collecting queens.
pay attention.
you remember we played this when you were in labor with parker? i'll never forget what a trouper you were.
well,let's not compose my eulogy just yet.
i'm still troupin'.
take a card.
right.
it's funny.
we played cards on our honeymoon the day that it rained.
do you remember that? we--we lit a fire-- you're doing it again.
sorry.
hey,i told you i'm collecting queens.
shoot.
that's right.
oh,my god.
are you letting me win? i just wanna make you feel good.
by taking all the fun t of the kill? honey,i'm sorry.
it's just i love you so much.
out.
what? you are supposed to be distracting me, not depressing the hell out of me.
you're kicking me out of chemo? i'll see you at home.
honey,i'm your ride.
just go.
i'll cab it.
there's that trouper that i admire so much.
out! carlos! hi! hey,there's my birthday girl.
oh.
mmm! it's a nice car.
we got company? no.
then whose is it? it's your birthday present to me.
surprise! a car.
i was gonna get you earrings.
so? get 'em.
and i will drive around with the top down so everyone can see them.
edie,i can't afford this.
of course you can.
just move some of your offshore money onshore.
i told you,that account was a secret, which it's not gonna be for long if i start buying N$80,000 cars.
now i'm sensing that this little nest egg of yours is a teensy bit illegal.
where'd it come from? you don't need to know that, d the i.
r.
s.
doesn't,either.
you want me to go to jail? goodness,carlos.
i-i had no idea that your situation was so precarious.
well i guess i'll just have to take this back to the dealership.
thank you for understanding,babe.
look,if if you don't want the earrings, just pick something else out instead.
just not too extravagant.
don't worry.
i have a thought, and it's right in your price range.
- - oh! hi.
- hi.
hey,katherine.
what's going on? why is there a moving van in your driveway? oh,i meant to call you.
i,uh it's just been so nuts.
i got a new job in chicago.
- what? - you're just leaving,like that? i know! it's crazy,huh? i really wish i had time to talk, - but i gotta finish packing.
- oh,whoa.
no,hang on.
let me just run and get julie so she can say good-bye to dylan.
oh,we're really in a rush.
i don't think we're gonna have time-- th-that's okay,guys! keep packing! i'll clean it up! katherine? are you okay? you seem a little jumpy.
i just had a-a long night, and i-i have a lot to do.
i'm really gonna miss you.
katherine,hi.
oh,uh,i brought you that salad bowl.
- oh,thank you.
you're so thoughtful.
- no problem.
hey,you know,i was meaning to ask you, how did that job in chicago work out? job? you know,the one that you left so suddenly for.
oh,right.
yes,of course.
uh,good.
- uh,it worked out well very challenging.
- oh.
i've got something in the stove.
i've gotta go.
oh.
susan.
what?i'm eating for two.
well,do both of you wanna be fat? okay,when i'm in labor and i am pushing and screaming to bring your child into the world, do you really want me to remember that you denied me syrup? carry on.
mom,i need to talk to you about tonight.
oh,my god.
is it about matt's party? yeah.
it turns out it doesn't start until 10:00, so can i stay out till 1:00? well,uh,well,the johnsons live right down the road.
- yeah,i guess that's fine.
- thanks.
whoa,whoa.
is this the johnsons over on crestview? yeah.
yeah,i-i don't think you should go to that.
why not? well,i've done a couple jobs at that house, and they have some really wild parties.
i don't even wanna tell you what i've snaked out of that toilet.
- those re his brother's parties.
- matt's not like that.
all 17-year-old guys are like that.
the only reason my buddies and i even had parties was to get girls wasted.
well,i don't drink.
neither did missy taylor, and fast-forward to her tying her bra on my car antenna.
i really appreciate your concern, but my mom already told me i could go.
well,that's true.
just giving my opinion.
it's up to your mom.
uh,well i mean,you both make a-a good case.
um but i think i'm gonna have to agree with,uh - and you know i love you both - decide.
- mike.
i'm going with mike.
- what? well,it sounds like this party could be on the wild side, and it is starting very late.
this is so unfair.
i'm sorry,honey.
you wanted decision.
this is my decision.
more syrup? missy taylor? carry on.
look at your little dylan,all grown up.
karen mccluskey.
i babysat you way back when.
you were a biter.
well,i hope i didn't hurt you.
nah,you were a cutie but loud.
i remember the racket you used to make on your tricycle.
i gave your dad hell four putting that horn on it.
my dad? mm-hmm.
how could you know my dad? he left when i was a baby.
nah,he used to come around once in a while.
anyway,nice to have you back.
please let me help.
i feel so guilty just sitting here.
do not move.
we want to pamper you,so please let us.
thank you.
hey,so how's the chemotherapy going? oh,no,no.
she doesn't want to talk about that.
- i don't mind.
- oh,come on.
let's dig in to the pie.
looks amazing.
wow.
oh,my god.
bree,that is,like, the best pie you've ever made.
well,thank you.
i don't think i did anything differently.
this is not my pie.
okay, you caught me.
it's mine.
- what happened to the pie that i brought? - oh, i was a little sneaky, and i put it in the fridge.
i just wanted you to try mine.
well, did we or did we not agree that i would bring the dessert? i know, but everyone says you're such an amazing baker, and i was hoping you would give me some tips to improve my recipe.
well, clearly no tips are needed.
as my friends said, "best pie ever made.
" well, then perhaps you shouldn't have said anything.
i would have been happy for everyone to think it was yours.
so back to chemo-- how's that been? yeah, so far not that bad.
though i did have to kick tom out yesterday.
why? he was getting so emotional.
it felt like the last 20 minutes of "brian's song.
" so i guess i'm in the market for a new chemo buddy.
well, i would be more than happy to go with you.
count me in.
i'll sit with you.
i volunteer at the hospital, so i'll be there anyway.
oh! my god, you guys.
i'm so touched you're all willing to do this.
what are friends for? gaby? oh, no cream for me, thanks.
She staged your lemon meringue pie? you've gotta be kidding.
i'm not.
that despicable woman was just supposed to bring a simple green salad.
she not only brought a pie-- she hid mine and served hers.
well, that's beyond despicable.
that's culinary terrorism.
oh, it gets worse.
her pie was better than mine.
impossible.
it's true.
everyone thought so.
even me.
oh, and that simple green salad-- mache and baby arugula with duck confit and candied walnuts! my god, she plays to win.
i have been here for hours trng to replicate her recipe, and nothing has even comclose! don't be so hard on yourself.
this one's fantastic.
- that's hers! - sorry.
orson, what am i gonna do? you might have to bite the bullet and ask her for her recipe.
what? surrender? debase myself? bree, it's your signature pie.
you make it for parties, church suppers, bake sales.
if she's always right there behind you with her superior version, staking out her claim as fairview's number one homemaker she will have stolen my entire identity.
well, i wouldn't go that far.
no, it's true.
the only thing about me that's special is what i can do in the kitchen.
you're right.
i have got to get that recipe by any means necessary.
hey, gaby.
hey, what's up? welli felt a little weird about something that happened at lunch, and i thought we should talk about it.
i know.
do you believe that pie business? i thought bree's head was gonna explode.
o, not that.
okay, i don't know how to say this, so i'm just gonna say it.
when everyone was offering to come with me to chemo-- even katherine, who i don't even know, you sort of clammed up.
what was that about? well, it just seemed like people had it pretty well covered.
yeah, but between us, you're the onei really want there.
out of everyone, you're the most fun,and i need that now.
oh, that's sweet.
but to be honest, i don't like hospitals.
nobody likes hospitals.
unfortunately, that's the place you have to go when you're sick, or your friends are.
you are my friend, right? what, is this a test of our friendship? yeah kinda.
can i pencil you in? i can't wait.
psst! come here.
okay, i'll come there.
are you still mad at me about the party? oh, you picked up on that, did you? okay, look, i've been thinking about things, and just forget what i said earlier.
you mean i can go? - shh! jeez! ooh, mike's in the other room.
- you're not gonna tell him? - no, and neither are you.
- why are you walking on eggshells? - you are my mother.
you have every right to override him.
- i know.
i just--i think it's sweet that he worries about you, and i want him to feel like he's part of the decision making process.
well, clearly he's not if you're going behind his back.
do you wanna go or not? yes! yes, i really wanna go to the party.
party? you guys still talking about that? can you believe it? ugh! let it go.
you know, mike and i decided-- no party, and that's final.
bree.
i hope this isn't a bad time.
i just wanted to bring you a housewarming gift.
it's the recipe for my special mincemeat pie.
it wouldn't be thanksgiving at my house without it.
well aren't you thoughtful? let me just file this in my recipe box.
well, as long as we're swapping pie recipes, i would love the one for your fabulous lemon meringue.
really? i'm so flattered you'd ask.
but i don't share that.
excuse me? you have to understand-- i experimented for years before i came up with my secret ingredient.
which is what? vanilla? nutmeg? cardamom? if i told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore.
it would just be an ingredient.
well, that, um, hardly seems neighborly.
after all, i just gave you the recipe for my mincemeat pie.
yes, and it's a very good one.
i have the book it came from.
that recipe is not from a book.
that recipe was handed down to me from my mother.
well, unless your mother was betty crocker, she got it from a book.
oh, dear.
now i've upset you.
no.
no, i am not upset.
i'm just confused as to why you seem so determined to get off on the wrong foot.
first you bring a pie to lynette's, when i clearly assigned you the salad-- now, see, that's where i'm confused.
just what, please, gives you the right to decide who brings what to a luncheon that i suggested? well, it's tradition.
i always organize our little get-togethers, and i always bring dessert.
well, then how lovely that i'm back and can shouer that burden for you.
just give me the recipe! sorry.
i can't.
i do hope this doesn't keep us from being friends, because i like you, bree.
and i'm sure if you put your mind to it, you can come up with an even better lemon meringue pie than mine.
the trick is finding that perfect blend of sweet and sour.
well, you've certainly mastered that, dear.
so when do i get to see my big surprise? wait for it.
wait for it.
ta-da.
whoa.
all that syrup went straight to your boobs.
so it's not my imagination.
they're bigger, right? - especially the right one.
- mike! just kidding.
pick those up and bring 'em over here.
well, i'd better warn you.
i may have to work the shoulders.
that thing with juli and the party this morning - mm-hmm? - thanks for backing me up.
it meant a lot, and i know it wasn't easy for you.
uh, yeah, well, you know, sometimes you gotta hang tough.
mm, well, you did the right thing.
i drove by that house tonight.
- that party was out of control.
- what? yeah, there were kids staggering around drunk puking in the gutter, and then i saw some girls running around topless.
i'm sure the cops will be there any minute.
we need whipped cream.
what? well, i don't think that you can have sexy date night without whipped cream.
can't and won't.
well, i i can go get some.
no, no, you've, uh, worked all day.
you stay here.
i'll go to the store.
could you get more syrup? make a wish.
so i'm dying to see what i got you.
- how thoughtful was i? - very.
open it.
"yes!" not yet.
i haven't asked the question.
will you marry me, carlos solis? and you say you're proposing? you said you didn't want to spend too much.
so what's more affordable than a promise? - look, edie-- - i'm doing this for you.
if the i.
r.
s.
gets wind of your rainy day fund, they could make me testify against you.
but if i were your wife how are they going to find out? oh, honey, people talk-- angry people, disappointed people.
come on.
say your line.
it's my birthday.
fine.
we're engaged.
oh! carlos! i think i'm gonna cry.
yeah, me, too.
i mean, how weird is that? my mom always told me that my dad took off right after i was born.
so did she explain what mccluskey said? i didn't tell her.
she kinda freaks out anytime i bring him up.
dylan, you have a right to know about your dad.
- you've got to confront her.
- yeah, right.
i could never do that.
she isn't cool like your mom.
hi.
it's my birthday.
oh, that must mean you're matt.
i'm susan mayer, and i'm-- all righty.
boomer, you magnificent bastard! you actually did it! it wasn't me, but happy birthday, man.
well, it was somebody.
who cares? gather 'round, men.
so you like this music? ah, it's fine.
would somebody just tell me where i can find-- hey, enough talking.
just take it off.
we're feeling generous tonight.
oh, my god! i'm not a stripper.
- you're not? - is this gonna happen or what? boomer, she's not a stripper.
well,what's with the implants? i'm pregnant.
that's hot.
sorry.
should've known you were julie's mom.
you're way too gorgeous to be a stripper.
if that's your lame attempt to keep me from calling your parents it worked.
well played.
excuse me.
mom,what are you doing here? i am taking you home.
this party is out of control.
no, it's not.
well, of course you don't think it is, because yore knocking back a big cup of orange soda.
i don't believe this.
well, believe it.
we're going.
you, too, dylan.
come on.
- and what are you wearing? - it's embarrassing.
yeah, well, boomer likes it.
call me tomorrow.
we'll go to a movie my mom can drag us out of.
look, i get that you're upset.
no, i'm confused.
first, i can go to the party, then i can't because mike says no.
then i can, but "don't tell mike and behave yourself.
" so i behave myself, and you punish me.
okay, i admit that there's a certain lack of consistency there.
it's likeever since you got married,i can't win.
do you think this is easy for me? trying to keep peace between a new husband and a teenage daughter? you're always putting me in the middle.
ugh.
i don't do that.
please.
every time you and mike disagree on something, you give me the look-- that pitiful face that says if i don't back you up, i love the other one more.
i don't expect you to side with me every time.
just make a decision and stick to it.
and no more lying.
well, you're right.
i'm an adult, and i need to be honest about these things, and i will be starting tomorrow.
hey.
look who i picked up coming out of the movies-- a p.
g.
movie.
is this the perfect teenager or what? oh, the movies, huh? that's funny.
'cause one of julie's friends just called to make sure she got home from the party.
she was worried when she saw you leaving with a stripper.
the jig is up, mom.
no, no, we can salvage this.
just work with me.
i did go to the party.
mom went behind your back and told me i could.
but i-i didn't drink or do anything i shouldn't have.
glad to hear it, and, uh, thanks for your honesty.
you know,this perfect teenager thing is really starting to chap my ass.
i'm going to bed.
please tell me this isn't gonna be one of those things where you leave me and i go screaming down the street.
why'd you go behind my back? i'm sorry.
you gotta understand, for so long, it's just been julie and me, and i've made all the decisions alone.
you felt so strongly.
it was just an opinion, really.
she's your daughter.
i completely respect your right to raise her however you want.
thanks.
now that being said, this baby is ours.
so we'll get to make all those parenting decisions together, right? right.
so can we go back to date night? ly if you work the shoulders.
gaby, where have you been? you went to the bathroom, like, half an hour ago.
oh, sorry.
i stopped off to get you some magazines.
"top ten new hairstyles.
" yeah, well, i'm kinda bald right now, but thanks.
why n't i go check if there are some other ones? no, no, i don't need magazines.
i need you've been bouncing around since you got here.
so how do you like being the first lady of fairview? it's good.
are you cold? they keep it cold in here.
i'm fine.
so tell me something.
when you go to a ribbon cutting, do you get to keep those gigantic novelty scissors? you must be freezing.
you know, i have the cutest shawl in the car, so i'm just gonna run out and get it for you.
boy, you really don't wanna be here, do ya? what are you talking about? i'm trying to help.
yeah, in any way that gets you out of this room.
i'm sorry.
it's just hospitals are hard for me.
yeah, you told me, but, jeez, gaby, don't you care enough to make an effort? you think i don't care? i get it.
you're uncomfortable.
just go.
i'm fine.
i'm fine.
did i ever tell you about my father? he had cancer, too.
started in the liver, went into his bones, and ten months later, he was dead.
thanks for that encouraging story.
i'm not finished.
those last weeks, every day we thought we were gonna lose him.
and every day, before i would go into his room, my mom would say, "no tears.
"daddy wants to see you smiling.
if you're gonna cry, you can't go in.
" so on the last night i sat there and i watched him die.
his eyes were closed, but i thought he could still see me.
so i kept smiling all night.
i was 5.
oh, my god.
but on the plus side, i made a pretty good career out of knowing how to smile when i didn't really feel like it.
but i can't pretend with you.
not when i'm scared i'm gonna lose you.
you're not gonna lose me.
you promise? 'cause if i did then god! i'm such a mess.
it's okay.
come here.
let it go.
oh.
honey? i'm going to get adam.
be right back.
can i talk to you about something? sure.
if you don't mind talking in the car.
bree hodge persisted in her effor to unlocthe secret of katherine mayfair's lemon meringue.
but after several failed attempts, it occurred to bree that while she might not have the key to katherine's recipe she did have the key to katherine's house.
oh,hey,what's up? i was doing a little baking, and i was wondering if i could borrow something.
sure.
what do you need-- flour,sugar? you can't believe what karen mccluskey tells you.
she's an old woman-- practically senile.
she didn't sound senile to me.
dylan,maybe this is not the time,okay? you said my father didn't care about me, but she says he came here.
he wanted to see me.
why wod you not tell me that? he's my father.
i deserve to know.
the only thing you need to know about that man is he was a monster.
i can decide that for myself.
where is he? i don't know.
you're lying.
no,she's not.
yes,she is.
she has been lying to me my whole life.
i'm starting to think maybe you're the monster.
she can't talk to me that way, not after everything i've done for her.
well,maybe that's the problem.
she doesn't know what you've done for her.
nobody does, and it's gonna stay that way.
are you sure? she's just gonna keep asking questions.
then we'd better start coming up with better lies.
oh,there you are.
i was wondering where you'd gone to.
i just let myself into katherine's house to get that recipe.
well,that seems a bit extreme.
well,at least you know her secret now.
yes,and it has nothing to do with pie.
ahh.
here's the thing.
i got a real chance at getting back together with my ex, but this woman is standing in my way.
and she knows about the money, and she's made it clear that if i leave, she's gonna blow the whistle.
you gotta understand i really did care for edie, but i can't let her ruin my life.
that's where you come in.
you guys,we better behave, or the nurses are gonna kick us out.
hey,it's our chemo party, and we'll laugh if we want to.
gaby,this was a wonderful idea.
i cannot tell you how much it means to me.
well,don't get sappy on me.
i won't stand for it.
all right,susan, is the camera ready? yeah.
got it.
okay,once the light starts blinking, we've got three seconds, so,everybody,say,"cheese" and holdt.
okay.
one,two,three.
cheese! there is nothing more deceptive than a smile, and no one knows this better than the people who hide behind them.
some flash their teeth as a polite warning to their enemies.
some put on beaming faces to keep their tears from falling.
others wear silly grins to mask their fear.
but then there is that rare smile that is actually genuine.
i'll take care of it.