Frasier s04e02 Episode Script

Baby, baby, all I'm saying is we should cool it for a while.
No, what's that thing? "If you love something, let it go.
If it comes back to you" Yadda yadda yadda.
Yeah, that's it.
Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm really broken up about this.
Hey, think fast.
[LAUGHS.]
Come on, now No tears.
No I'll never forget you either, Sandy.
Linda? Really? Well, I thought I was talking to your sister.
Oh, well, tell her same goes.
- Hey, Frasier, do you have a minute? - Yes, of course, Roz.
What is it? Well, you're not gonna like this idea.
You're gonna complain and make up excuses and then say no anyway.
That's the very words I would use to woo my dear Lilith.
Okay, here goes.
I have this friend and I think you two would really hit it off.
You were wondering if I might meet her for a drink, which might lead to dinner, and after that, who knows where? Yes, exactly.
Oh, listen, Roz, did you hear that? What? If you listen very carefully you can actually hear my skin crawling.
I know, blind dates stink.
But I'm your friend, - and I'm worried about you.
- Well, Roz When was the last time you were with a woman? - Seems like almost a year.
- Oh, it has not been that long.
I mean, that is a laugh.
The last time was Well, let me see, the Well, the tree was still up.
Oh, God.
Her name is Sharon.
She's 5'7".
- Oh, Roz, I'm not interested.
- But she's an incredible person.
She's smart, she's funny.
She's a former pro golfer.
- She just hasn't met the right guy.
- A woman golfer? Are we quite certain there is a right guy? - She dates men.
- Not this one.
She plays chess.
She loves your show.
I know this isn't supposed to matter to people like you, but I've seen her in the shower at the gym, she has a body that makes Bo Derek look like Bo Diddley.
A chess player, did you say? MARTIN: Look at these pants.
Oh, dear, Mr.
Crane.
Did Eddie drag you through the puddles again? Every last one of them.
Eddie, get in here.
Eddie, I mean now.
What am I gonna do with you? My favourite shoes are soaked.
Eddie, look at me when I'm talking to you.
- You're doing it again.
- What? You're acting like one of those nutjobs in the park - who treat their pets like children.
- Yeah? Well, when you do it outside, you're a nut.
When you do it inside, it's your own damn business.
Eddie, go to your room.
Oh, don't worry about your shoes.
I'll get them all dried out for you.
MARTIN: Well, I hope.
They're not just any shoes, you know.
These are Muckabees, the most comfortable shoes made.
Air-cushioned insoles, deep flannel lining.
You know, I remember one anniversary I surprised Hester with a pair of Lady Muckabees.
Don't remember which anniversary, but I know it ended with a zero.
I don't doubt that.
Oh, all right.
I forgive you.
I love you too.
Yeah.
You'll always be my very best boy.
[WHISTLES.]
You know, Dad, there are some fathers who actually praise their sons and whistle at their dogs.
- New suit, huh? Who's the lucky girl? - If you must know, I'm meeting a friend of Roz's today after work, but it's no big deal.
Well, congratulations.
What's it been, a year? It has not been that long.
I remember the tree was still up.
Well, look at you, all got up like a dog's dinner.
Yes, it's a new suit.
Yes, I'm meeting a woman.
And, yes, it has been a while.
Thanks.
That reminds me, I have to order me cards.
Daphne, are you finished here with the microwave? Oh, no.
- My Muckabees! DAPHNE: I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to leave them in there for so long.
Yes, well, English cooking strikes again.
You should be happy your patient feels healthy enough to terminate therapy.
I would, but it's happened so often lately I find myself in financial straits.
Deep financial straits.
Look at this belt.
Spanish leather.
If Mr.
Blackwell comes in, I'll create a diversion, you can make a dash for it.
Obviously the time has come for me to expand my practice, so I'm placing an ad in Seattle Style magazine.
Advertisement? Isn't that a bit commercial for a psychiatrist? Said Dr Pot to Dr Kettle.
Besides, a highly respected obstetrician on my floor did it, and now his waiting room has more swollen bellies than a Buddhist temple.
- Good one, yes.
- I liked it.
Here.
I'm on my way to call it in, I just wanted to run it by you.
All right.
"Dr Niles Crane, Jung specialist.
Servicing individuals, couples, groups.
Satisfaction guaranteed.
Tell me where it hurts.
" Well, that's just excellent, Niles.
All you're missing now is a very tasteful cartoon of you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus.
I'm off.
- Hey, wild thing.
- Yes, hello.
- Look, we have on the same belt.
- Oh, my God.
- Hi, Roz.
- Hey, Frasier.
- Sharon's gonna be here any minute.
- You didn't say anything, did you? Not a word.
She has no idea this is a set-up.
Good.
Now, listen, if I don't like her, I will simply excuse myself and leave.
But if like her, I will find some polite and discreet way of indicating that you may go.
Beat it, Roz.
ROZ: Hi, Sharon.
- Hi, Roz.
Look who I ran into, my boss, Dr Frasier Crane.
- Hello.
- This is Sharon Payton.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm a big fan of your show.
- Thank you.
- I'm sure you're tired of hearing that.
- You probably get it all the time.
- Oh, well, not lately.
Listen, Sharon, I'm so sorry to do this, but I just got a call from the office, - and it's urgent and I have to go.
- Oh, sure, that's all right.
Well, you know, as long as you're here, you might as well join me.
That'd be nice.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Bye, Roz.
You know, I really do love listening to your show.
I think it's because you have such a soothing voice.
What a very kind thing to say.
I almost called in once.
Really? May I ask what the problem was? Well, I'm terribly competitive, which is great for sports, I used to play pro golf, but sometimes it seeps into my personal life.
Well, I don't really think that's too great a problem, but if I were to make a recommendation, it might be to start seeing a therapist.
Whoa.
- Hello, gorgeous.
- Hi, Bulldog.
Not you.
Hey, aren't you gonna introduce me? - Well, actually, I wasn't, no.
- Bob Brisco.
- Sharon Payton.
- Yes, good to see you.
- Don't be a stranger.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Sharon Payton.
I know you.
LPGA, you won the Denver Open, 1992.
particular Chambertin I took a shine to I know you too.
You're that guy that said golf is not a sport.
- Well, it's not.
- Really? Yeah.
No cheerleaders, no blood, the only cups involved are in the ground.
This reminds me of a debate I had with my brother Niles about whether or not Stephen Sondheim is really light opera.
You know, I have a theory that people who put down golf do so because they can't play well.
- Is that a challenge? - It might be.
If we leave now, we could get in nine holes.
- Loser buys dinner.
- I got a nine handicap.
You're on.
Frasier, would you like to join us? - Well, no, I don't play.
- Well, it was really nice meeting you.
- Likewise.
- I'll get my coat.
Bulldog.
Listen, Roz set this up that I might meet Sharon.
Things were going in a very positive direction.
Yeah, well, things seem to have changed, haven't they? - What do you call that? Irony? - Is there nothing I can do - to appeal to your sense of decency? - Hey, I have no sense of decency.
That way, my other senses are enhanced.
MARTIN: But the real secret of Muckabees is that they mould themselves to the shape of your foot.
Now, my problem was always hammertoes.
If you had hammertoes, you'd have a hell of a time finding shoes.
But Muckabees fit over my hammertoes like a glove.
Funny, you know, when you're young, you dream about fame and fortune.
When you get to be my age, all you really want out of life is a comfy pair of shoes.
Right now I'd settle for never hearing the word "hammertoes" again.
Hey, don't give me any attitude.
Wasn't me that nuked the Muckabees.
I'm not the one who can't remember where the store is - where you bought the damn shoes.
- Just drive.
I'll tell you when to stop.
Stop! - Is that it? - It's a red light.
- In this country, we stop for those.
- All right, all right.
- Woman driver.
- Hammertoes.
Frasier.
What? Haven't you spoken with Sharon? I tried, but she wasn't home all weekend.
Frasier.
Look, before you snap my behind with a wet towel, the last time I saw Sharon was leaving Cafë Nervosa with Bulldog.
Frasier! How could you let that happen? Well, I don't know.
The whole thing is sort of a blur.
We were talking about golf and something called a handicap, the next thing I know, I'm sitting with a cappuccino, muttering to myself in a very soothing voice.
- I'm sorry.
- Well, it's all right, Roz.
It's just the whole thing just catapulted me back to high school.
You've only known me as an adult, but back then I was rather - an unathletic, bookish sort.
- Get out.
Jocks were the bane of my existence.
They called me a weenie, and they would steal all the girls that I wanted.
Oh, Frasier, you must have had some girlfriends.
Friends, yeah.
Yeah, any time they wanted a sensitive shoulder to cry on, but some blockheaded pillar of testosterone would come and it was: "Bye, Fras, maybe we can study later.
" Then I'd head home to Niles and we'd put on the Brandenburg Concertos and play air violin.
Gee, what a couple of nerdlingers.
Oh, and I suppose you were Miss Popular in high school.
- I would say yes.
- I'm guessing that explains why too.
Hey, guys.
[BULLDOG GIGGLES.]
- What a weekend.
- Listen, Bulldog, Sharon is my friend, - and you better not hurt her.
- What? Hurt her? I am crazy about her.
I never felt this way before.
You know, on my way to work, all these songs on the radio suddenly made sense to me.
Have you ever listened to the words to "Time In A Bottle"? It is so beautiful, man, I had to pull over.
Oh, my God, it's in love.
And last night, for the first time in my life, I actually said those three little words: "Stay for breakfast.
" - You had sex with Sharon? - Doc, please.
We made love.
You know what? I gotta call her.
No, wait, no, I gotta play hard to get.
But I miss the sound of her voice.
I'm calling her.
No, wait, it's too needy.
Chicks hate that.
I shouldn't call her.
But I want to.
Doc, what should I do? Don't ask me.
I don't even know who you are.
This was it.
This was the Muckabees store.
Now it's gone and so are the only shoes I ever loved.
Mr Crane, look at me.
We're talking here about something that's old and smelly and dirty.
MAN: Hey.
Not you.
We're talking about Muckabees.
Oh, great shoes.
Used to sell them here.
- What happened to the store? - Moved.
- Do you know where? - Yeah.
It'll cost you.
- How much? - No, not money.
I want a kiss.
What? - You heard him.
- Mr Crane.
You burned them, you owe me.
It's only a kiss.
Not her.
This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780 talk radio.
Thought you'd never finish.
You know, Niles, what say I buy us dinner and a lot of martinis.
Sounds great except for the dinner part.
- I take it you had a bad day too? - I had an abysmal day.
- Remember the ad I placed? - Oh, yes.
Dr Niles Crane, - Jung specialist, blah blah blah.
- Well, they've made a tiny little typo.
See if you can find it.
"Niles Crane, hung specialist.
" Oh, my.
The rest they got perfectly.
"Servicing individuals, couples, groups.
Satisfaction guaranteed.
Tell me where it hurts.
" Well, any calls? - It's a telethon.
- Yes, well - We'll start with double martinis.
- All right.
Wait a second.
I need the name of one of those fancy restaurants you go to.
Hey, hi, Sharon, it's me, Bob.
Hey, I had a great time last night.
Listen, how about dinner tonight? You do? All right, how about tomorrow night? Hey, it's a good thing I'm not paranoid, I'd think you were dumping me.
Well, I walked into that one.
Yeah, me too.
Good luck, Shar - Gee, I'm sorry, Bulldog.
- Me too.
I'll call Francois, see if he can get us a table on the patio.
- Ten seconds, Bulldog.
- Oh, right, right, right.
- Listen, are you gonna be all right? - What, me? Are you kidding? I'm the Bulldog.
Attention, sports fans, you're in the Doghouse.
[BARKING.]
Uh First, some weekend scores.
In football, the Packers crushed the Saints 42-10, and the 49ers humiliated the Patriots 35-7.
And in golf Golf, hey, golf sucks, right? Go to calls.
You're in the Doghouse.
Put on a flea collar.
We have the table, but Francois says - he can only hold it for ten minutes.
- In a minute.
MAN 1 [ON SPEAKER.]
: Anyway, what's up with the rumour that the Seahawks are thinking of leaving Seattle again? I have no respect for that, man.
Anyone who has their fun, then they just leave you, well, hey, to hell with them, right? We'll get another team.
A team that A team that won't ever leave us.
A team we can love forever.
- You'd better go to commercial.
- I already did.
Bulldog, are you gonna be all right? Do you think you can tape the show? Wait, Bulldog, we need a tape.
Where's the Best of Bulldog? She took the best of Bulldog.
- We've got dead air in 15 seconds.
- Oh, great.
Okay, I'll go get Bulldog.
- You take over the show.
- Me? A sports show? You're the only one here.
[HONKS.]
Okay, sports enthusiasts, this is Dr Frasier Crane filling in for Bob "Bulldog" Brisco.
- You're on the air.
MAN 2: This is Mike.
I wanted to talk to Bulldog, but you'll do.
So, what's your take on the damn Yankees this season? Are you speaking of the frothy musical adaptation of the Faustian myth or the baseball team of which I know nothing? MAN 2: What a weenie.
Doesn't that take me back.
But he brings up a good point.
You see, while I'm on the air, please feel free to call in about anything other than sports.
Please.
Hello, you're on the air.
MAN 3: You think it was a good idea for the Sonics to give up those draft choices so they could free up some money under the cap? You know, to go after a wide body to help them in the paint? Yes.
You're on the air.
Bulldog! I know you're in there.
Get out here.
Give me a break, Leonard.
Like you haven't fantasized about this moment.
BULLDOG: Go away, Roz.
- Will you grow up.
So you got dumped.
You got a little payback for the way you treated women all your life.
Besides, the Bulldog I know doesn't get sad.
- He gets angry.
BULLDOG: You're right.
This stinks! This is total, total B.
S.
If you don't come out in the next three seconds, I'm gonna reach in there - and drag you out by your ankles.
- Hello, Roz, playing hard to get? It's Bulldog.
You're a psychiatrist.
Help him.
As distressed as I am by his condition, he's not the only one suffering here.
In eight minutes we are going to lose our patio table.
Well, as long as Frasier's filling in for Bulldog, you're not going anywhere.
You poor man.
Help is at hand.
BULLDOG: No! No shrinks! I hate shrinks.
You're all a bunch of wimps, weirdos.
Help me.
There, there.
I'm here for you.
And you're over there for me.
Well, I sense you're in a great deal of pain.
- Yeah.
Make it stop.
- No.
No, the first step toward healing is not to bury the pain, but to feel it at its fullest depths.
[SCREAMS.]
Okay, well, before security arrives, let's skip on to step two.
- What is going on? - Excuse me.
Frasier, we're in session.
We have to pull him together in minutes, not in a lifetime.
- How dare you talk to me like that.
- We don't have time for this.
Get out! Bulldog, I'm referring you to my brother.
I'll call Francois and tell him there's been a death.
That ought to buy us another ten minutes.
We're on a newsbreak.
You have got to pull yourself together because there is no way I am enduring any more humiliation.
- I am not going out there, man.
- You have got to.
I can't even decipher the abbreviations on the score sheets.
I'm guessing by your producer's guffaws that it is not the Cleveland Independents.
I just never felt this way about a chick before.
I was even thinking about her and me having kids.
- Isn't that scary? - Positively bone-chilling.
- It hurts like hell.
- I know.
I know, Bulldog.
You know, often through pain we can achieve emotional growth.
It reminds me of a paper I recently presented to the Vancouver Psychiatric Association.
The gravamen of my discourse was that the sufferer, i.
e.
You Doc, doc, you're hurting my head here.
Can't you stop being a shrink and just be, like, a guy? Like a guy.
Like a guy.
Screw her! - What? - Yeah, you don't need her.
She's trash! - Yeah, trash.
- You're better off! We both are! - I like the sound of this.
- Yeah, so do I! It's unattractive, yet liberating.
Like the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
She's a bitch! - Hey, she wasn't even that hot.
All she did was save you the trouble of having to dump her.
- I never thought about that.
- There you go.
- I'm feeling a little better.
- That's right.
- Thanks.
- Come on.
- It's great talking to you.
- Likewise.
You know, I could talk like this for another 30 seconds.
She was nothing! - She was less than nothing! - Yeah, right.
Tomorrow you're gonna find somebody even hotter, and you know what you're gonna do? You're gonna have your fun with her and dump her just for the hell of it! - Yeah, dump her! - And you know what? You're not gonna feel bad about it at all.
You know why? Because we're guys, and that's what guys do! Distressing news, Frasier.
Francois gave away our table.
Screw him! - Excuse me? - You heard me! We don't need him or his stinky little restaurant.
There are plenty of restaurants.
I say we go somewhere we don't even need a reservation! - Thank you, Niles.
- You're welcome.
If we hasten, perhaps we can catch the first seating at Monsieur Galbolon.