Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s04e02 Episode Script

Come away from the water.
You'll finish up wet through like always.
I launched me boat! You'd be better sailing your trousers into dry dock for an overhaul.
There it goes.
Off to foreign parts! Either sit down or stop bending like that.
We can see quite enough foreign parts, thank you very much! travelled and it's still warm.
Yet you take a few bean sprouts home from a Chinese chippy and What day is it? Tuesday.
Is it heck! It's Wednesday.
Well, if you want to be that accurate Right, it's Wednesday.
Are you sure? Of course I'm sure! Does tha think I don't know what day it is? This means not one of us has any idea what damn day it is.
It's not Tuesday.
It just feels like it.
My God! You see what's happening to us? I can't be bothered to look.
What's he leaping about for? He got a spider up his leg.
I've nothing up my leg.
I've suspected as much for a long time.
It's no good sitting cackling.
Don't you realise your brains are rotting? I thought it was his feet.
It IS me feet.
We are letting ourselves go! We've started deteriorating.
I was afraid of this when I had to retire.
It's easy to drift into uselessness.
It's not THAT easy.
It took me years.
We ought not just sit here.
Just sit down.
I used to have every hour of every day mapped out.
Now I don't even know what day it is.
You never did.
Just shows how you can degenerate.
Calm down, Foggy.
Hang about and if tomorrow feels like Wednesday we'll all know what day it is.
I can't just sit about in the sunlight.
It's easy.
Look! We have to ask ourselves what we're contributing to a better world.
Come on.
That's only for dedicated people who like shooting people.
The question we ought to ask ourselves is why have you just put your foot in that cow flop? You great long frog! He can't steer them legs.
I've done 30-mile marches on these.
Give over! Look at him.
Completely out of control.
He's like a rubber giraffe.
See! My notebook.
I haven't lost all the old habits of organisation.
Get your day down in writing.
Plan.
Then you can see whether your day has been productive.
On your feet! Well, that's your schedule, is it? on the grass.
Very creative(!) If you must rush about, why don't you jog up the hill to the boozer and fetch us both a bottle of ale? I am going to yonder bridge and station myself so I can observe the life in the water below.
I'll blend into the background and become as one with the stonework.
And there I shall record, in my notebook, a detailed observation of the fishlife of this stream.
I see your Ethel's got the bandages off again.
She likes them off at the weekend.
A careful, scientific study of this possibly neglected stretch of waterway.
I hate to admit it, but that idiot in the pub yesterday was right.
Beethoven wasn't a Yorkshireman.
Ay.
Still, he were a good goalkeeper.
.
.
and gain information which may be of great interest to the local river board.
Do you miss never being called for jury service? No.
I never met 11 blokes I could agree with anyway.
Do you know what I've never had? Ambition? As well as that.
A house with a dampcourse.
Even Purley Street didn't have one.
It's not like a racecourse.
It's only a layer of waterproof bricks.
I know! You might have had visions of webbed feet and racing colours.
SPLASH It couldn't be No, it's too good to be true.
It would be funny though.
That great long twonk tumbling off the bridge and wetting his notebook? "What I'm going to do will be of great interest to the river board.
" PLOSH! No, it's only a dream! We enjoyed it anyway.
I could see him face down with them great, long legs flapping about all over the place.
Don't start me off! Hey! No, I justjust thought I'd see whether I could do this You know the old river crossing infull combat rig.
It's, um, very invigorating really.
I quite enjoyed it, in a way.
COMPO AND CLEGG GIGGLE HAMMERING Come in.
Just throw the door off its hinges if it's in the way (!) It's thee that were in the way.
You must have injured him mortally.
He's coughing up bits of metal.
It were only a little tack.
Why doesn't he bite on a bullet? He's no idea of how to conceal pain.
Couldn't you see me? On the doormat? One should register pain only by the barest tremor behind the eyes.
The features remain impassive.
Belt up! What were tha doing down there? I was installing a doorbell under the mat.
A doorbell under the mat? It rings when you stand on the mat.
Oh.
Now I'm trying to get the kink out of my back.
It don't work.
He should know.
He's the expert at not working.
I liked thee better when tha were wet.
.
.
No, tha's blown it, chief.
It's not connected.
I bet it's not connected.
Yes, that's the problem.
It's not connected up yet.
Make yourself useful and hold that wire along there.
Go on, over here, everybody.
Right, down here.
Give it here.
Not all in the same place.
Spread yourself out.
Give us that wire.
Take that wire.
I want to see how I'm doing for the length of wire.
More like a length of tong.
It's "tongue".
He's still doing well.
We ought to come and look at Sid's skirting board more often.
Shut up.
This whole operation is very amateurish.
When I was a young man in this position, I worried about the creases in my trousers.
When you get older, you worry about the creases in your legs.
Typically amateur! There's no regard for planning.
I still say it's "tong".
It's "tongue".
Me mam said "tong".
She'd have been better saying no.
Press it down.
I want to see how far it'll stretch.
Did you hear that note of panic in his voice then? The man doesn't know where he's at.
I hate doing this to me legs.
Especially when we go everywhere together.
I like to do everything on paper first.
That's why tha never got married! Hold your tong! You heard that.
He said "tong"! If I'd told you to hold something you can't pronounce, God knows what you'd have grabbed.
Cobblers! That man, as you were.
That man, as you were! There is a simple drill for handling wire.
Give us that! He has a way with electrics.
He was splashing in a current all morning.
Will you get down there and hold that wire? Now, what I need is a drum.
He's not going to march us off, is he? A cylinder.
Something round.
Like a big mouth? You've already got one.
I think I'll leave my legs to science.
They're no good for walking on.
Right! Tactical problem.
Since somebody's lack of planning resulted in an absence of essential materials, we must improvise.
Creative improvisation! One of the first laws of leadership.
He's off again! I bet I could enjoy this if I wasn't in so much pain.
Ah! The saltcellar.
This should do.
A few turns of the wire round this and we'll have an acceptable drum, cable laying, for the use of.
Which tribe used to bury people in this position? It must have been awful.
Come on, move your foot.
Stand over there.
You too.
Observe this very carefully.
Starting from here, I place my legs astride the wire.
That could be dangerous.
Holding my drum at the height of the skirting board, I'll walk forward unwinding cable as I go.
He looks like a pantomime horse.
What a long-winded performance.
I'd have laid the wire ten minutes since.
Stop nattering.
Hold this wire.
Now, a slow, steady progress being the target to aim for.
The head and the eyes down, as we unroll in a continuing inspection to ensure there are no kinks forming in the wire.
What a drama! You'd think he was laying a transatlantic cable.
I heard that! It is always the fate of men of action to be criticised by the envious voices of the mob.
But I shall not be deterred.
What's going on? What are you doing invading my privacy? I wasn't invading your privacy.
Well, what are you all doing then? Playing puffer trains (?) Oh, no, Ivy.
I were assisting Sid by holding a nail.
Oh? Right, Sid, I'm holding the nail.
BANG OW! You stuck me, you great twallop! We live on a planet two thirds covered by water and the other third by men! What did we women do to deserve it? What are you doing with that hammer? Hitting my fingers.
Tacking the wire down for the bell.
Not there, you fool.
It's a right eyesore.
I want it round that picture rail where no-one can see it.
I might have known it wouldn't suit! OW! It's nice that Ivy's interested in your work.
Don't hit a cripple! Why do you want it up there? Do you want the mat above eye level as well? Just get that wire out of sight and don't be clever.
What's all that damn mess? Ah, well, yes I may have spilt some when See, I was proceeding along You're making one hell of a dust.
ALL COUGH It's hard for us on the ground.
It's not dust.
It's not salt either, you fool.
It's pepper! Steady on, Ivy! Well, it looked like a saltcellar.
How long have you had that filthy hankie? Not as long as me vest.
COMPO SOBS Whatever's the matter? Oh, well No, don't say a word! It's too sad.
I can't bear to talk about it.
Maybe later.
But, NOT now! You're quite right, love.
She called me love.
SHE called me love.
You musn't think about it if it upsets you.
Someone very close to you, was it? I bet it's one of them from Albany Street.
No, it No? Funny.
I wonder who it could be.
Aw.
You're no good out here.
It makes my heart bleed to see you weeping in the street.
Oh, not in the street, love.
We'll go back to my place and make you all a nice, strong cup of tea.
Then maybe you'll feel like talking.
It's good to get it off your chest.
Somebody from their Peck's family? I wondered cos he's been going to mixed sauna.
I knew there'd be trouble there.
There's going to be trouble here.
I wonder why only your eyes water when they're sore.
Why don't your knees water? Or your elbows? Oh, oh, oh! You have a weep, love, if you feel like it.
Oh, I feel like it! I feel like it! Why are men ashamed to weep? Well, it's not British, is it? I don't see why not.
Because it's not in the British tradition.
Oh, tosh, Foggy, tosh! The British take things on the chin.
Especially beards and pimples.
If we keep weeping, we shan't be able to grow beards.
What if the British male becomes notorious for his long eyelashes? It's bad enough being a nation of shopkeepers.
We don't want to start carrying handbags.
Pst! Pst! I'm aI'm a bit worried about him with his head buried in that lady's bosom.
Do you think he can breathe? The scruffy rarely suffocate.
Yes, but it's ages since he came up for a breath.
I don't mean a left breath or a right breath.
I mean a lung full of air.
Oh, you let it all out, love.
I remember when our Barry lost his greyhound.
He was inconsolable.
He used to slip away on moonlit nights and sit in a starting cage at the greyhound stadium.
OOH! Aw! One lump or two? Ta.
No, Foggy! Not at this moment.
You're not going to ask him, "One lump or two?" Go on, you disgusting little monkey! I thought you were suffering from some decent, honest emotion.
What makes you think I wasn't? When you started undoing me blouse.
Your button was sticking in me ear! Has she gone then, your missis? Stop putting ideas in my head.
Bah, no! Dear oh It's not connected up yet.
I bet it's not connected up yet.
not connected up.
And never will be at this rate.
Oh, Sid, whilst you're down, get us three teas.
No, we're closed.
So is that ladder! Isn't there another cafe you could go to? That's nice (!) We come in to help I'd rather you'd just stay idle.
I've noticed that this DIY business can change a man's whole character.
It's pathetic, isn't it? That man! Do you plan to go up and down that ladder, moving it a bit at a time? The man needs a plank.
Yes, a plank! What do you think I am? A pirate (?) Are you coming, then? I used to do a bit of courting round here.
Not alone, I hope.
With Mary Daniels.
I suppose it was always a sound policy to get HER off the street.
No wonder she's not here then.
I expect she got fed up waiting.
Did you ever see Love Story? No.
Neither did I.
I wonder if she still thinks of me.
If it was as draughty then as now she'll never have forgotten you.
Come along, you two.
Don't look at the plank.
Keep your eyes on your work.
It's not safe.
This plank is as thick as two planks.
So are you if you think I'll go over there.
That man, one pace forward.
March! That man.
What does tha want? Test it out.
Why me? You're built nearer to the ground than us.
Sit on the end so it won't come off the chair.
No.
I'm not getting splinters in my cheeks.
It's very tricky trying to get them out.
Oh, dear! Right, carry on, that man.
Every eventuality is catered for.
Looks like Blondin crossing Niagara Falls in a barrel.
PLANK CREAKS If you get any more daft ideas take them somewhere else! There's no need to take that attitude.
Leave it with me.
All that's required is a thicker plank.
And take this plank with you! I'll put the mat just where it'll catch her feet.
Oh, not her elbow? I see.
She'll put her foot down there.
She puts her foot down anywhere.
I've a very accurate eye for judging the stride of an attractive bird.
Look how small you are.
If you live your life at knee level you have to or you'd keep getting knocked over.
She's coming! Watch it.
We don't know if it works yet.
We will when she steps on the mat.
Right.
OK.
Act natural.
WHISTLING AND CLINKING OF TEASPOONS COMPLETE SILENCE Well, don't get up, will you (?) Don't raise your bottoms off them chairs (!) MORE WHISTLING AND CLINKING SILENCE I can't stand all this fuss when a woman enters the room (!) Ah, Sid! But the instructions LOUD BUZZER You stupid fools! Get out! Get out! GET OUT! I see the phantom scribbler's been at it again.
You don't have to bother reading it now.
Just wait for the film.
You'd think they'd put a few pictures up on the wall like they did in the old railway carriages.
And a big warning against frivolous pulling of the communication cord.
Why don't you move further down there? Oh! Look at this! I wish you wouldn't say that in these places.
I only meant to draw your attention to this beautiful handwriting here.
That's talent, is that.
It is if it's true!