Married with Children s04e02 Episode Script
Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics
[***.]
And one, and two, and three, and four.
And one, and two, and three, and four.
And one, and two, and three, and four.
And rest.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, ladies.
Let's take a break while I mix up a Jim Jupiter spirulina and wheat-grass shake.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Look at that sweat glistening off Jim Jupiter's arms.
Come on, baby, mama wants a salt lick.
I wouldn't mind being the first woman on Jupiter.
Not that Steve is anything to laugh at.
You know, it does seem odd, doesn't it? I mean, Al and Steve look nothing like Jim, yet they're all lumped together as "men.
" Well, let's not be hasty.
Men like Jim Jupiter may not be all they're cracked up to be.
Take away his biceps, triceps, quadriceps washboard stomach, and what have you got? Whoa! Whoa! No more tacos at lunch for me.
Peg, could you wring this shirt out? I gotta wear it tomorrow.
Is there any food? There's a six-pack in the fridge.
I kinda like something to wash it down with.
Why don't you pop this chicken in the oven? Oh! Ha-ha! Excuse me, Marce.
That's an honest mistake.
Squish away from me.
I've known him for four years, and I've never seen him dry.
You've never had sex with him.
Oh, look, Jim's greased up and ready.
Who's the sissy mary? That's Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago.
Oh, yeah? Does he have guns like these? Put your arms down, Al.
You're killing the plants.
Oh, Jim's speaking.
Okay, ladies.
You know what it's time to do now.
Dash off to a Judy Garland concert? Shh! Shh! It's time to announce the winner of the free Jim Jupiter workout.
Yup.
Jim is gonna spend two whole, healthy weeks with some lucky woman.
Me, me, me! Me, me, me, me! Now, what lucky lady will get to spend two weeks with Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago? And the winner is Miss Peggy Bundy! Ah, ha-ha-ha! Ah ha-ha-ha! I can't believe it! I can't believe it! Marcie, I get to watch Jim Jupiter do squat thrusts for two whole weeks in my house.
Can you believe it? Oh, so what? Who needs him? I already have a real man at my house.
STEVE: * A wandering minstrel, I * * A thing of threads And patches * What do ya think, Marce? Wanna go see Mikado tonight? * For he's going to marry Yum-yum, yum-yum * Oh, please, let me watch Jim squat.
Just once.
Please? Well, okay.
But don't touch.
Now, I've got to buy a new leotard.
I wanna look great for Jim.
Forget it.
He's not coming.
No, ma'am.
No chance.
No way, no how.
Peg, I'm sorry, but this time I just have to say-- I have spoken.
Wanna see Mikado tonight? Who's he fighting? I can't believe it! I get to watch Jim Jupiter flex and ripple in the privacy of my own home.
Mom, do I really have to share a room with Kelly while that exercise guy is here? I'll be up all night with all those guys babbling, "Hurry up.
I gotta get back to the ship.
" Now, kids, will you just forget about your empty little lives and think about mine? Jim Jupiter will be here any minute.
How do I look? Hot.
Desperate.
Good.
I didn't wanna send any mixed signals.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, he's here! He's here! Okay, now, everybody behave normally and don't say anything stupid.
Come to Mama.
I know, I know.
I'm Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago.
Hi, I'm Bud Bundy, the studliest man on Earth.
I'm Kelly Bundy.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Jim.
He's mine.
Hi! I'm Peggy Bundy.
Don't let the wedding ring fool you.
It means nothing to me.
Jim Uh, Bud Bundy.
We met a moment ago.
I have a question for ya.
How do I gain upper body strength? Wear arm weights on your arms when you squeeze your pimples? Stuff a bra! Pick a nose! Now, kids, Jim just got here, and I'm sure he'd like to strip down.
Oh-- ha-ha.
I mean, sit down and relax.
So go away.
Dinner's in two weeks.
Oopsie.
Uh-uh.
The correct way to pick something up, is to bend from the knees.
What a shame.
A body like that and not a brain in his head.
Okay, Jim.
Bend me, shape me, any way you want me.
Well, you've got a good, healthy attitude about exercise.
I guess we could start with some warm-ups.
Get down on all fours.
Woof.
Hi, Peg.
How was your day? Looking up.
Uh, Al, meet Jim.
I'm Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago.
Then you should heal quick when I pull your spine through your mouth.
Now, now, now, boys.
No need to fight.
We're all adults here.
And I think we can come to an understanding.
But I'm warning you, if the two of you can't come to an understanding, I'm afraid you'll just have to leave, Al.
Peg, can I see you over here for a minute? Sure, honey.
Peg, as you know I am the man, and a man's home is his coffin.
Don't you understand? I just want what every married woman wants: someone besides her husband to live with.
I mean, what do you think I'm going to do with him? Lick him up and down? Nuzzle my head against his rippling, heaving chest? Plant little angel kisses all over his glistening-- Okay, so it's innocent.
But I still don't see what you need him for.
You wanna bend? Dust.
You wanna reach? Sweep.
You want sex? Just let me know when you're finished, I'll come home.
Now, Peg, I'm only gonna say this one time.
I want him outta here, I want you in the kitchen, and I want my supper now.
Okay, Jim.
Al's going out to dinner.
Instead of going out to dinner, Mr.
Bundy, why don't you stay here and work out with us? I mean, what's the point of having a beautiful, sexy, young wife if you're just gonna look like that? Listen, Jim-bellina.
Don't let these slits on my wrists fool you.
I'm in great shape.
I was an athlete in high school.
So was I.
I was a gymnast.
A gymnast isn't an athlete.
A gymnast is like, like a girl.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'm just here to borrow some spirulina.
Ah! Jim Jupiter! Honey, it's Jim Jupiter.
What a surprise.
Gee, I'll bet he came in that van outside that says, "Jim Jupiter.
" Shut up.
Hi, I'm Marcie.
This is my husband, Scrawny.
I mean, Steve.
Hi, I'm Jim Jupiter.
Nice to meet you, Steve.
Nice, firm handshake.
Yeah, well, I played a little sousaphone in high school.
Were you two getting ready to exercise? I hate to interrupt.
Well, actually, Jim and I were-- Good, good, good.
Well, I'm all warmed up.
Let's get down on the floor and get pumped.
You believe these two want this guy? Ya know what he did in high school? He was a gymnast.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, football and the band.
That's where the men were in our day, right, buddy? Let's say we go get us a pizza, Steve.
Yeah.
Let's eat till we vomit.
You know, like men.
* For we're going to eat Yum-yum, yum-yum * Let's begin with some in-place runs.
You know, to burn off the tension.
You know, you got a lotta nerve.
Did I come over to your house when you won the Woman In Banking award? Yes, you did.
And you stole a whole chicken.
Yeah, but at least I didn't wiggle my butt in front of it when I did it.
Follow me, ladies.
You know, Marcie, you're right.
There is plenty of Jim to go around.
Let's not forget we're friends.
Agreed? Agreed.
[LAUGHS.]
And three, and four, and rest.
[SIGHS.]
What happened to Marcie? Oh, she lost interest.
[POUNDING ON DOOR.]
MARCIE: Lemme in, you swine! Okay, Jim.
I'm beat.
I'm just gonna sit over here while you flex me off to sleep.
That's not quite how it works, Mrs.
Bundy.
Uh, just how does it work, Jim? JIM: And one, and two, and three, and four, and five, and six, and seven, and eight twelve, 13, Forty-five, fifty-seven, 58, 59, sixty-five, 66, 67 [WHINING.]
And 197 and 198 and 199 and 200.
Okay.
I think you're warmed up.
Let's get started.
Bonbon.
No bonbons.
Okay, Jim.
Let's clear up a few misconceptions.
There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do.
Number one: Cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron, and parent.
And number two: Exercise.
Well, Jim Jupiter loves a challenge.
Bonbon.
I'm here to change your whole life, Peggy Bundy.
Bonbon! Mrs.
Bundy, you're a strong woman.
But I'm the healthiest man in Chicago.
I can see this week is gonna be a test of wills.
Bonbon.
I like strawberry the best, don't you? Actually, the mocha are-- Shh! Oprah's on! Oh.
Peggy, you look fabulous.
That time with Jim really paid off.
Do you feel better? Oh, I certainly do.
And Jim says as long as I stick with my program, I'll live a long and happy life.
Oh, he's on.
ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies, live from Chicago, the Jim Jupiter show! Hi, ladies.
I'm Jim Jupiter the healthiest man in Chicago.
Now, let's get that exercise thing over with, shall we? [COUGHS.]
And one He's put on some weight, hasn't he? Oh, he's just pumped.
In his chin? [COUGHING.]
Oh, no! He-- he's dead! My boyfriend's dead! Your boyfriend? He's my boyfriend! No.
Mine.
Mine! Mine! He's mine! Oh, my hair! You tramp! I can't believe it.
He looked so healthy when he was here.
What could have happened to him? "Blood-sugar level enough to kill three horses, cholesterol-level high enough to dam the mighty Mississippi.
" That's writing! Oh, it's my fault, Al.
I did it.
I killed the healthiest man in Chicago.
Well, you've been killing me and you don't seem to care.
Yeah, you're different.
You've been as good as dead for years.
But what about our children? I mean, is our lifestyle killing them? Do we care enough about our kids? Are we concerned enough, as parents? Where are the kids? How would I know? Burgers here.
Who had the wet and greasy? No more burgers for this family.
How do we get our vitamins and rocks? That-- that's minerals, Kel.
Yeah.
Don't you get it? Did Jim Jupiter die in vain? Well, Jim taught me that enjoying your food only leads to death.
And I will not be responsible for the death or enjoyment of any member of this family.
So, for once, we Bundys will learn from our mistakes.
Bud, you will not be a shoe salesman.
And from now on, we're going to start eating right.
You mean with forks? I am trying to show love for this family.
So either shut up or get out.
Get back here! All right, now.
I will make the first sacrifice.
My bonbons.
[DOG HOWLS.]
Sorry, Buck! And now, we eat dinner.
Nice life.
Mom kills some guy and we have to suffer.
Yeah.
Why didn't we have to use forks when Aunt Pearlie killed Uncle Dave? Well, that was just an accident.
The ice pick flew out of her hand.
Thirteen times? Daddy, if I eat any more wheat "gurm," I'm gonna lose my mind.
Dad, you think you're the boss.
Do something.
No can do, Bud.
See, your mother's never actually physically killed a man before.
So I'm afraid we're gonna have to bear with her for a few days.
Okay, family.
Home cooking! What is it tonight, Mom? Bee spit? Sunflower paste.
Mmm.
I'm gonna spread mine on Styrofoam.
That's a rice cake, Bud.
Now, isn't this delicious? I'm so glad we're eating healthy.
We're cleansing ourselves, and I do-- I feel ten years younger.
[SOBBING.]
I wanna live, but not like this! Come on, everybody.
Family meeting.
Now, Peg, I know you think you're responsible for killing Jim, and yet you have no guilt of squashing the life out of me, but that's another meeting.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, you didn't kill Jim.
Good health killed Jim.
See, he purified his body so completely, that when finally called upon to do so, he couldn't handle the grease, and sugar and toxic waste that we call food.
He rendered himself extinct.
See, healthy people are like dinosaurs.
They're not fit to survive.
Jim's body couldn't handle the burgers, and bonbons, and pastry suckings like real Americans.
You see, Peg, we are the truly strong.
You really think so, Al? Absolutely.
See that cockroach over there? That one? No, that one.
Well, any one of them.
You don't see them carrying off a can of wheat germ, do you? "Gurm," Dad.
Thank you, pumpkin.
So, Peg, let's all follow the example of our friend, the cockroach.
They were here before man.
They'll be here after man.
You know why? They eat crap.
And I say, "Anything that's good enough for the cockroach is good enough for my family.
" Hey! Oh, Dad! Oh, Al, you really do care.
Darn right I do.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm hungry enough to block a colon.
Grease burgers for everyone, on Dad! [CHEERING.]
Grease! Grease! Let's get lots of mayonnaise.
[***.]
And one, and two, and three, and four.
And one, and two, and three, and four.
And one, and two, and three, and four.
And rest.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, ladies.
Let's take a break while I mix up a Jim Jupiter spirulina and wheat-grass shake.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Look at that sweat glistening off Jim Jupiter's arms.
Come on, baby, mama wants a salt lick.
I wouldn't mind being the first woman on Jupiter.
Not that Steve is anything to laugh at.
You know, it does seem odd, doesn't it? I mean, Al and Steve look nothing like Jim, yet they're all lumped together as "men.
" Well, let's not be hasty.
Men like Jim Jupiter may not be all they're cracked up to be.
Take away his biceps, triceps, quadriceps washboard stomach, and what have you got? Whoa! Whoa! No more tacos at lunch for me.
Peg, could you wring this shirt out? I gotta wear it tomorrow.
Is there any food? There's a six-pack in the fridge.
I kinda like something to wash it down with.
Why don't you pop this chicken in the oven? Oh! Ha-ha! Excuse me, Marce.
That's an honest mistake.
Squish away from me.
I've known him for four years, and I've never seen him dry.
You've never had sex with him.
Oh, look, Jim's greased up and ready.
Who's the sissy mary? That's Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago.
Oh, yeah? Does he have guns like these? Put your arms down, Al.
You're killing the plants.
Oh, Jim's speaking.
Okay, ladies.
You know what it's time to do now.
Dash off to a Judy Garland concert? Shh! Shh! It's time to announce the winner of the free Jim Jupiter workout.
Yup.
Jim is gonna spend two whole, healthy weeks with some lucky woman.
Me, me, me! Me, me, me, me! Now, what lucky lady will get to spend two weeks with Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago? And the winner is Miss Peggy Bundy! Ah, ha-ha-ha! Ah ha-ha-ha! I can't believe it! I can't believe it! Marcie, I get to watch Jim Jupiter do squat thrusts for two whole weeks in my house.
Can you believe it? Oh, so what? Who needs him? I already have a real man at my house.
STEVE: * A wandering minstrel, I * * A thing of threads And patches * What do ya think, Marce? Wanna go see Mikado tonight? * For he's going to marry Yum-yum, yum-yum * Oh, please, let me watch Jim squat.
Just once.
Please? Well, okay.
But don't touch.
Now, I've got to buy a new leotard.
I wanna look great for Jim.
Forget it.
He's not coming.
No, ma'am.
No chance.
No way, no how.
Peg, I'm sorry, but this time I just have to say-- I have spoken.
Wanna see Mikado tonight? Who's he fighting? I can't believe it! I get to watch Jim Jupiter flex and ripple in the privacy of my own home.
Mom, do I really have to share a room with Kelly while that exercise guy is here? I'll be up all night with all those guys babbling, "Hurry up.
I gotta get back to the ship.
" Now, kids, will you just forget about your empty little lives and think about mine? Jim Jupiter will be here any minute.
How do I look? Hot.
Desperate.
Good.
I didn't wanna send any mixed signals.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, he's here! He's here! Okay, now, everybody behave normally and don't say anything stupid.
Come to Mama.
I know, I know.
I'm Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago.
Hi, I'm Bud Bundy, the studliest man on Earth.
I'm Kelly Bundy.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Jim.
He's mine.
Hi! I'm Peggy Bundy.
Don't let the wedding ring fool you.
It means nothing to me.
Jim Uh, Bud Bundy.
We met a moment ago.
I have a question for ya.
How do I gain upper body strength? Wear arm weights on your arms when you squeeze your pimples? Stuff a bra! Pick a nose! Now, kids, Jim just got here, and I'm sure he'd like to strip down.
Oh-- ha-ha.
I mean, sit down and relax.
So go away.
Dinner's in two weeks.
Oopsie.
Uh-uh.
The correct way to pick something up, is to bend from the knees.
What a shame.
A body like that and not a brain in his head.
Okay, Jim.
Bend me, shape me, any way you want me.
Well, you've got a good, healthy attitude about exercise.
I guess we could start with some warm-ups.
Get down on all fours.
Woof.
Hi, Peg.
How was your day? Looking up.
Uh, Al, meet Jim.
I'm Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago.
Then you should heal quick when I pull your spine through your mouth.
Now, now, now, boys.
No need to fight.
We're all adults here.
And I think we can come to an understanding.
But I'm warning you, if the two of you can't come to an understanding, I'm afraid you'll just have to leave, Al.
Peg, can I see you over here for a minute? Sure, honey.
Peg, as you know I am the man, and a man's home is his coffin.
Don't you understand? I just want what every married woman wants: someone besides her husband to live with.
I mean, what do you think I'm going to do with him? Lick him up and down? Nuzzle my head against his rippling, heaving chest? Plant little angel kisses all over his glistening-- Okay, so it's innocent.
But I still don't see what you need him for.
You wanna bend? Dust.
You wanna reach? Sweep.
You want sex? Just let me know when you're finished, I'll come home.
Now, Peg, I'm only gonna say this one time.
I want him outta here, I want you in the kitchen, and I want my supper now.
Okay, Jim.
Al's going out to dinner.
Instead of going out to dinner, Mr.
Bundy, why don't you stay here and work out with us? I mean, what's the point of having a beautiful, sexy, young wife if you're just gonna look like that? Listen, Jim-bellina.
Don't let these slits on my wrists fool you.
I'm in great shape.
I was an athlete in high school.
So was I.
I was a gymnast.
A gymnast isn't an athlete.
A gymnast is like, like a girl.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'm just here to borrow some spirulina.
Ah! Jim Jupiter! Honey, it's Jim Jupiter.
What a surprise.
Gee, I'll bet he came in that van outside that says, "Jim Jupiter.
" Shut up.
Hi, I'm Marcie.
This is my husband, Scrawny.
I mean, Steve.
Hi, I'm Jim Jupiter.
Nice to meet you, Steve.
Nice, firm handshake.
Yeah, well, I played a little sousaphone in high school.
Were you two getting ready to exercise? I hate to interrupt.
Well, actually, Jim and I were-- Good, good, good.
Well, I'm all warmed up.
Let's get down on the floor and get pumped.
You believe these two want this guy? Ya know what he did in high school? He was a gymnast.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, football and the band.
That's where the men were in our day, right, buddy? Let's say we go get us a pizza, Steve.
Yeah.
Let's eat till we vomit.
You know, like men.
* For we're going to eat Yum-yum, yum-yum * Let's begin with some in-place runs.
You know, to burn off the tension.
You know, you got a lotta nerve.
Did I come over to your house when you won the Woman In Banking award? Yes, you did.
And you stole a whole chicken.
Yeah, but at least I didn't wiggle my butt in front of it when I did it.
Follow me, ladies.
You know, Marcie, you're right.
There is plenty of Jim to go around.
Let's not forget we're friends.
Agreed? Agreed.
[LAUGHS.]
And three, and four, and rest.
[SIGHS.]
What happened to Marcie? Oh, she lost interest.
[POUNDING ON DOOR.]
MARCIE: Lemme in, you swine! Okay, Jim.
I'm beat.
I'm just gonna sit over here while you flex me off to sleep.
That's not quite how it works, Mrs.
Bundy.
Uh, just how does it work, Jim? JIM: And one, and two, and three, and four, and five, and six, and seven, and eight twelve, 13, Forty-five, fifty-seven, 58, 59, sixty-five, 66, 67 [WHINING.]
And 197 and 198 and 199 and 200.
Okay.
I think you're warmed up.
Let's get started.
Bonbon.
No bonbons.
Okay, Jim.
Let's clear up a few misconceptions.
There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do.
Number one: Cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron, and parent.
And number two: Exercise.
Well, Jim Jupiter loves a challenge.
Bonbon.
I'm here to change your whole life, Peggy Bundy.
Bonbon! Mrs.
Bundy, you're a strong woman.
But I'm the healthiest man in Chicago.
I can see this week is gonna be a test of wills.
Bonbon.
I like strawberry the best, don't you? Actually, the mocha are-- Shh! Oprah's on! Oh.
Peggy, you look fabulous.
That time with Jim really paid off.
Do you feel better? Oh, I certainly do.
And Jim says as long as I stick with my program, I'll live a long and happy life.
Oh, he's on.
ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies, live from Chicago, the Jim Jupiter show! Hi, ladies.
I'm Jim Jupiter the healthiest man in Chicago.
Now, let's get that exercise thing over with, shall we? [COUGHS.]
And one He's put on some weight, hasn't he? Oh, he's just pumped.
In his chin? [COUGHING.]
Oh, no! He-- he's dead! My boyfriend's dead! Your boyfriend? He's my boyfriend! No.
Mine.
Mine! Mine! He's mine! Oh, my hair! You tramp! I can't believe it.
He looked so healthy when he was here.
What could have happened to him? "Blood-sugar level enough to kill three horses, cholesterol-level high enough to dam the mighty Mississippi.
" That's writing! Oh, it's my fault, Al.
I did it.
I killed the healthiest man in Chicago.
Well, you've been killing me and you don't seem to care.
Yeah, you're different.
You've been as good as dead for years.
But what about our children? I mean, is our lifestyle killing them? Do we care enough about our kids? Are we concerned enough, as parents? Where are the kids? How would I know? Burgers here.
Who had the wet and greasy? No more burgers for this family.
How do we get our vitamins and rocks? That-- that's minerals, Kel.
Yeah.
Don't you get it? Did Jim Jupiter die in vain? Well, Jim taught me that enjoying your food only leads to death.
And I will not be responsible for the death or enjoyment of any member of this family.
So, for once, we Bundys will learn from our mistakes.
Bud, you will not be a shoe salesman.
And from now on, we're going to start eating right.
You mean with forks? I am trying to show love for this family.
So either shut up or get out.
Get back here! All right, now.
I will make the first sacrifice.
My bonbons.
[DOG HOWLS.]
Sorry, Buck! And now, we eat dinner.
Nice life.
Mom kills some guy and we have to suffer.
Yeah.
Why didn't we have to use forks when Aunt Pearlie killed Uncle Dave? Well, that was just an accident.
The ice pick flew out of her hand.
Thirteen times? Daddy, if I eat any more wheat "gurm," I'm gonna lose my mind.
Dad, you think you're the boss.
Do something.
No can do, Bud.
See, your mother's never actually physically killed a man before.
So I'm afraid we're gonna have to bear with her for a few days.
Okay, family.
Home cooking! What is it tonight, Mom? Bee spit? Sunflower paste.
Mmm.
I'm gonna spread mine on Styrofoam.
That's a rice cake, Bud.
Now, isn't this delicious? I'm so glad we're eating healthy.
We're cleansing ourselves, and I do-- I feel ten years younger.
[SOBBING.]
I wanna live, but not like this! Come on, everybody.
Family meeting.
Now, Peg, I know you think you're responsible for killing Jim, and yet you have no guilt of squashing the life out of me, but that's another meeting.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, you didn't kill Jim.
Good health killed Jim.
See, he purified his body so completely, that when finally called upon to do so, he couldn't handle the grease, and sugar and toxic waste that we call food.
He rendered himself extinct.
See, healthy people are like dinosaurs.
They're not fit to survive.
Jim's body couldn't handle the burgers, and bonbons, and pastry suckings like real Americans.
You see, Peg, we are the truly strong.
You really think so, Al? Absolutely.
See that cockroach over there? That one? No, that one.
Well, any one of them.
You don't see them carrying off a can of wheat germ, do you? "Gurm," Dad.
Thank you, pumpkin.
So, Peg, let's all follow the example of our friend, the cockroach.
They were here before man.
They'll be here after man.
You know why? They eat crap.
And I say, "Anything that's good enough for the cockroach is good enough for my family.
" Hey! Oh, Dad! Oh, Al, you really do care.
Darn right I do.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm hungry enough to block a colon.
Grease burgers for everyone, on Dad! [CHEERING.]
Grease! Grease! Let's get lots of mayonnaise.
[***.]