Mike & Molly s04e02 Episode Script

Previously on Mike and Molly Do you ever just kinda stand back and look at your life and think, "This is not what I ought to be"? Listen up, because this might be the best lesson I ever teach you.
Okay, don't settle.
Follow your dreams wherever they may take you! Want to tell me what happened today? I'm not sure, you know? I just started feeling overwhelmed by everything.
And I don't know, leaving just seemed like the right thing to do.
Through the window? Anybody can leave through a door.
Kids in Chicago deserve teachers who want to be there for them, and that-that may have been me at one point, but it's not me now.
Something's changed in me.
Something's broken, or maybe something's fixed.
I don't know, but I know that I can't do this one more day.
You realize, Ms.
Flynn, if you quit, you lose your pension, your health care and all your benefits? Really? Is that true? The truth is I have no idea what's going on with Molly.
Well, I don't want to throw salt on the wound, but if you two ever have kids, you should know you got loony on your dad's side, too.
For the last time, she's not loony.
She's just going through something.
Well, I'm not gonna fight you.
And I have a very good reason.
I have three of them.
Number one Oh, God, what have I done?! Come here.
Oh, God, Mike, I quit my job and gave up all my benefits! And I probably need a tetanus shot from that woman's tooth.
I know, sweetie, I know.
We're gonna be fine.
Ooh! Ah! So, how's the job search coming? Ma, we don't ask that.
No, Mike, it's fine.
I've been circling a few things.
I can always get you in at the school cafeteria.
What are you in a hairnet, a six? Well, it's a generous offer, but I've been feeding little kids crap for ten years.
I-I think I'm just kind of done.
So, you're just gonna continue your life of leisure, huh? Congratulations, Mikey, you got yourself one of them trophy wives.
Hey, I am working.
And I've always been a trophy.
Tell her.
She's always been a trophy.
No, about-about the work.
Oh.
Molly is a writer now.
Oh! Why didn't you say so? Let me clear a spot in my bookcase.
Well, you better clear two spots 'cause there's gonna be a sequel.
Really? What's the first one about? I don't know yet.
But it sets up the second one.
Yeah.
It just so happens that there are a lot of regular women just like me who've written best-selling books.
Name one.
Harry Potter, Twilight Saga, Fifty Shades of Grey.
Never heard of 'em.
Ma.
Okay, maybe the Grey book.
Help me out here.
Talk about something else, Ma.
Well, if we're talking about pipe dreams, I want to marry Engelbert Humperdinck and live in a house made of beef jerky.
You know what, Peggy? I walked out of that school because I was sick of people like you telling me what I can't do.
And I am done stifling my creativity and my passion.
So you get ready, 'cause you and the rest of the world are about to see what I can do.
That's it! We're doing this! Make your move! Come on! Come on! I'll give you one swing.
No, Molly, don't! Nobody's fighting! Nobody's fighting! Nobody's fighting! Nobody's fighting! Nobody's fighting! Nobody's fighting! Nobody's fighting! I could've taken her.
Look, I'm not saying you wouldn't have got a few shots in, but my mom fights dirty.
If she got you on the ground, it's over.
You think I can write a book, don't you? Of course I do.
You know, I'm already making progress.
I've narrowed down my genre.
Ooh, look at you with a "genre.
" Contemporary crime fiction.
Oh, that's what a genre is.
I'm gonna need your support.
You got it.
100%, babe.
A book like that takes a lot of work and research.
Whatever you need, I'm there for you.
Great.
'Cause I want to go on a ride-along in the squad car with you and Carl.
Sorry! Say again? Mike, I need to get out there and experience police work firsthand.
I need to breathe it and live it and smell it.
Okay, first of all, it could be dangerous.
Secondly, if you want to know what my squad car smells like, imagine baby powder mixed with German potato salad.
Mike Carl says it's aftershave, but I think it's his diet.
Just forget it.
I'll ask somebody else.
Come on.
Fine.
I'll just go back to teaching, be miserable the rest of my life.
I guess I could talk to the captain and see if I can get a ride-along approved.
Really? Oh, it's gonna be so great! Oh! Don't get too excited.
Nothing's definite yet.
Okay, I won't, I won't.
I won't get my hopes up.
Oh, are we gonna see a dead body? Molly! I'm just saying, people get murdered every day.
Maybe we'll get lucky! For the first time in my life I see love.
I, for one, think it'll be great to have Molly in the squad car.
That's because you're an idiot.
Cops need to keep their home life and work life separate! I suppose.
You're worried she might be threatened by how close we are? What?! Not in a physical sense, but, you know, an emotional connection.
What the hell are you talking about? Women can be jealous creatures.
And let's face it, after riding together for eight years, I am your most stable and successful relationship.
She may be your lawful wedded wife, but She can never touch what we got.
I don't think this is the conversation we should be having near the shower.
Don't be homophobic, all right? A man can love another man without having to drop the soap.
Let's go! All right.
I love Mike Biggs! I'm not ashamed to say it! Why couldn't I have a dog for a partner? Hi.
What are you doing here? I didn't like how we left things the other night and just think we need to resolve our issues once and for all.
Oh, so you came to apologize.
Yes, I am sorry.
Sorry I didn't do this sooner.
"She drops the icicle and calmly walks away smiling, "satisfied "knowing that the woman who had tortured her "for so long was now dead.
"Millie was finally free to become the woman she was meant to be.
" What do you think?! I think you want to kill Mike's mom.
What? How-how are you how are you getting that? Oh, come on.
We've all thought about putting that old bag down.
We just haven't been dumb enough to write a confession for the police to find.
This is fiction! I'm not Millie, Penny's not Peggy.
Stabbing is so messy.
You don't want to ruin that beautiful coat you described.
You're missing the point! I stabbed her with an icicle! I mean, the character, the character stabbed her with an icicle.
The murder weapon melts.
It's the, it's a perfect crime! Does this make us accomplices? 'Cause I'm too pretty for prison.
Those girls will eat me for dinner.
Literally.
Hey, everybody.
Hey! So what'd you find out? Can I go on the ride-along? I looked through every rule and regulation and apparently, you can.
Really? Oh, my God! Oh, God, I've got so much to plan and do.
Am I gonna get a uniform? No! Okay.
Of course not.
This is gonna be so fun! No, it's not.
It's a police car, not a playground.
That's good.
"This is a police car, not a playground.
" That's the kind of jazzy street talk I've been looking for.
Your dialogue's fine.
It's killing people you're no good at.
You wrote something already? Can I take a look at it? Oh, no, well, not yet.
You know, I still have to tweak some character traits and change a few names.
Maybe run it past a lawyer.
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys, bad boys Listen, Molly Yeah? we need to go over a few ground rules for this ride-along.
You got it.
Okay, don't touch anything inside the car.
And stay in the vehicle unless Carl or I directly tell you to get out.
Roger that.
And whatever you do, do not talk to any suspects or arrestees.
No problem.
What do I do if they talk to me first? Nobody's gonna talk to you.
You don't know that.
And I'm-I'm very approachable.
Oh, hey, what if I pretend to be their friend, kind of gain their confidence and find out who the big fish is? No talking.
You got it! Okay, just fly on the wall, you know? You just go about your business and pretend I'm not even here.
Ride-along, day one.
The streets are quiet too quiet.
Are-are you gonna be recording what we say? Oh, just a quick way to get my ideas down.
Don't worry.
I'll change the names to protect the innocent.
All right, well, just don't play it back for me, cause, you know, I hate the way my voice sounds on tape.
It sounds higher, more womanly.
Like, I'm all the way up here, but in my mind, I'm all the way down here.
Officer Carl McMillan.
This is CNN.
Boy, this is exciting.
You know? Just riding around the city all day and scanning for criminals and Ooh.
Look at that shifty guy.
What's his story? Is he gonna roll that old woman, or jack a car? Maybe he's a foot soldier in a big drug cartel, the likes of which this city has never seen.
Damn, I thought I was recording.
What did I say? Hey, did you guys catch what I said? Yeah, I think you wanted to arrest a drug lord who was taking his Yorkie for a walk.
Oh, I didn't see the dog.
Yeah, that's because I don't have the trained eye as you guys.
But how many bags of smack can you get in a Yorkie? Ooh, movie idea: Flamboyant man hides drugs in show dogs.
Possibly animated? Well, look who it is.
Yep, fresh out of jail, already on the street.
Who? Who are we looking at? His name is Hugo.
We busted him last year for selling dope.
Ooh Oh, he sells dope? Mm-hmm.
Fantastic.
Are we gonna shake him down? Uh-uh.
No.
We're gonna talk to him.
Oh.
Hugo! Get over here.
Oh, come on, Biggs.
I'm not doin' nothin'.
I'm just talkin' to a friend.
Nobody said you were "doin'" anything.
We just want to say hello.
Molly! Would you prefer I do handwritten notes? Yeah, please.
Okay.
But you're gonna have to talk slower.
And can you ask Hugo to enunciate? Uh, no offense, but your street patois is a little thick.
You know what, Hugo? Have a good day.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's a better return on investment: Crack or heroin? Drive the car, Carl.
Nice meeting you! Ooh That got real back there.
I've gotta tell you guys, after just a few hours on patrol, I have a newfound respect for what you do.
Thanks, honey.
Yeah.
We're not heroes.
We're just regular men who, you know, do what heroes do.
You put your lives on the line every day.
I mean, aren't you scared? Well, fear is a very human reaction I got this, Mike.
Yes, we do feel fear.
But we just Carl Man, you just can't be sneaking up on me like that.
Sorry.
This is for you.
I didn't order a milk shake.
It was sent over by an admirer of yours.
Oh Wow.
Carl, good for you.
She's gorgeous.
You mean "he's gorgeous.
" No! Yes.
Every inch of him.
I told you, nothing happened.
It's a classic case of "he said, he said.
" Uh, excuse me.
Do you want to come sit with us? Molly, please, no! It's good research for my book.
Hello, Carl.
Wow.
Hi, Lousette.
Thanks for the milk shake.
Hi, Lousette.
I'm Molly, Mike's wife.
Former teacher, aspiring author.
Would you mind if I asked you a few questions? I have nothing to hide.
The hell you don't.
You managed to hide it for three hours and a carriage ride.
Actually, that's that's kind of my first question.
How how do you hide it? Well, there's a lot of tucking and a lot of tape.
Oh.
Well, that makes sense.
For some reason, my mind went to string.
Oh uh, movie idea: Street-savvy cop falls in love with a beautiful cross-dressing informant.
Uh oh.
An Officer and His Gentleman.
Oh, could you Could could you turn that off? It was just one kiss, and it was New Year's Eve.
I assume the kissing stopped when the ball dropped.
Car 3557.
We have a 10-16 at 412 Grand.
That's us.
What's a 10-16? It's a domestic disturbance.
Yes! This is car 3557, in the vicinity and responding.
Your story will be told Ooh.
- Those are gorgeous shoes - Molly! We gotta roll.
All right, Molly.
You know the rules.
Stay in the car.
These domestic situations can go bad fast.
Okay.
I can't be worrying about you and do my job at the same time.
Do you hear me? Yes, I do.
Can I say one thing? Quickly.
You are so sexy when you talk like that.
I really want to kiss you right now.
Quickly.
Okay.
Gotta go.
All right, stay.
You big blue tease! Go get 'em.
Wife of cop, torn between loving her man and sharing him with the city that needs him.
Whew hot and bothered.
Oh.
Aha.
Smart.
Back doors and windows don't open or criminals would escape.
We could just crank that air-conditioning up a little bit God, I got arms like a T.
rex.
Ah, this looks familiar.
Hello.
There we go.
Whew.
That's better.
Whew Teaching fourth grade would've been a lot easier with one of these.
Oh That's not good.
No, no, no! Not a criminal! I just it just got real hot back here.
That crazy bitch tried to kill me! I didn't even touch you yet! Oh, yes, you did! You cut off my ponytail while I was sleeping.
Might as well be dead, I look so stupid.
It doesn't look so bad.
I mean, it's a little choppy, but it really frames your face.
Carl.
He's lucky I didn't cut off something else! All right.
That's a verbal threat.
That's a verbal threat! You need to calm down.
Do you want to spend the night in jail? Is that what you want? No, sir.
Mike, psst, hey.
Mike What the hell are you doin' here? I told you to wait in the car.
I know, but I found this in the front seat.
You said it might be dangerous Careful.
That thing comes out faster than you think.
Thank you.
Now get back in the car.
Are you sure I can't just observe? I'll be quiet as a mouse.
I love you, but you are killing me.
As a police officer, I am ordering you back into that vehicle.
Right.
Right, right, right.
See? That's how a healthy couple resolves a conflict.
All right? No feelings are hurt and nothing got cut off.
I'm guessing he didn't sleep with her sister.
Ew! He slept with her sister? Molly! Please! You should at least let her hit him once.
Molly! That's right! You're gonna die, you cheatin' son of a bitch! Hey, hey, hey! Bat down! Molly, go! Hey, I need a little backup! Don't touch her! I love her! She's biting me! I can't believe you're biting me! Oh, wow! Wow, that was incredible.
I should bring you to work more often.
Say that thing I like again.
As a police officer, I'm ordering you back into that vehicle.
Oh! God, I love it when I let you boss me around.
Well, the boss man's fading fast.
Anything else you want to say? Yeah, I just want to say how lucky I am to have such a supportive husband, and I love you very much.
Mm-hmm.
I know that means you love me, too.
It was another brutal Chicago summer.
The sun beat down with the kind of heat that drives good men bad.
But there was one person keeping things cool Officer Millie Briggs.
You.
Car.
Now.
I just put you in jail.
Why are you back peddlin' your junk on my streets? 'Cause the system's broken, Briggs.
You keep putting me in, they keep letting me out.
Hakuna matata.
I catch you hanging around that school again, you and I are gonna have a problem.
Ooh, what? You gonna shoot me? No.
System won't let me.
Like you said, it's broken.
What I can do is tell you to take three steps away from my car.
What you gonna do, Briggs? Take my picture? Say cheese.
Cheese Sometimes to keep a city clean, you gotta get a little dirty.
Oh, boy, I got a lot of anger inside.