Seinfeld s04e02 Episode Script

Last week on Seinfeld.
Yeah, I'm here for the audition.
The Tonight Show called and they want me to do the show on the 28th.
They're giving me tickets to L.
A.
- You wanna go? - A free ticket? In fact, we could track down Kramer.
I got a very big meeting.
I got people interested in my treatment.
- Pretty young thing.
- She was.
It's a two-day trip.
What are you, Diana Ross? Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you.
Don't look.
Don't look.
It's Fred Savage.
Did I frighten you? I may look weird, but I'm just like you.
I'm just a regular guy, just trying to make it in this business.
- No witnesses? - Just the trees, Johnny.
Just the trees.
Could you not tuck the blankets in? Because I can't sleep all tucked in.
I think we just caught a break.
All right.
So that's one tuck and one no-tuck.
So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, dude, you ever kill a man before?" You're on The Tonight Show.
NBC.
- Who else is on? - I don't know.
Corbin Bernsen.
Do I have a case for you guys to do on L.
A.
Law.
I don't wanna tell you how to run the show - No, of course not.
- It's enough with the bar already.
He's a very handsome man.
Passionate, intense.
But troubled, strange.
- Let's pick up this Kramer.
- Kramer! Police have just released a photo of the suspect being sought in connection with the slayings.
He is known only as Kramer.
There are many different jobs in the police.
It seems to me that "chalk outline guy" is one of the better jobs that you can get.
You know, it's not too dangerous.
The criminals are long gone.
That seems like a good one.
I guess they're people that wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw too well.
"Listen, Johnson, forget the sketches.
Do you think if we left the body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?" How does that even help them solve the crime? They look at the thing.
"His arm was like that when he hit the pavement.
That means the killer must have been Jim.
" - He's on the loose.
- Let go of my arm.
You'll get us killed.
What are we supposed to do? What do you do in this situation? Should we call a lawyer or the police? Obviously, we're gonna call the police and tell them he's not the guy.
- We hope he's not the guy.
- Couldn't be the guy.
God, I'm starved.
I'm weak with hunger.
How can you think of food at a time like this? A time like what? I'm hungry.
My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted.
I told you, you should have had breakfast.
I couldn't have breakfast.
It was lunchtime.
The three-hour time difference threw me.
I wanted a tuna fish sandwich.
They wouldn't serve me one because they were only serving breakfast.
- You should've had some eggs.
- For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch? Have you ever heard of egg salad? Why didn't you say something? I gotta tell you about egg salad? I need food, Jerry.
I'm feeling faint.
I'm getting lightheaded.
I gotta call the police.
There's a pay phone.
Pay phone in L.
A.
Look, it's a miracle.
I have no change.
You got any change? No, I don't.
I never carry change.
- We need change.
All I got is 20s.
- I have a 10.
- So break it.
- I hate asking for change.
They make a face.
It's like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
- So buy something.
- What? I don't know.
Some mints or Tic Tacs.
- Breath problem? - No.
I just want some change.
- Tell me.
- Your breath is fine.
It's delightful.
It's delicious.
- You know, I haven't eaten anything.
- I just wanna call the police.
Why don't you just call 911? - But is this an emergency? - Of course it is.
How is this an emergency? Your friend has been accused of being a serial killer.
I think that qualifies.
All right, I'll call 911.
Do you think he did it? Could he have done it? He couldn't have done it.
How could he have? Couldn't do it.
Could he? Hello, 911? How are you? I'm sorry.
Just a reflex.
I know it's an emergency number.
It is an emergency.
My friend's been accused of being the Smog Strangler and I know he didn't do it.
They're putting me through to the detective in charge.
Making terrific headway.
What is my name? Who am I? I'm George Costanza.
What's the matter? Are you crazy? - What are you using my name for? - Don't be a baby.
- What are you scared of? - I'm scared of the same thing you are: Everything.
Why don't you just use your own name? Your name is a good name.
Costanza.
Sounds like it stands for something.
- They'll believe us.
- Really? - Sure.
- You think so? Oh, yeah.
Yes, I have very important information regarding the Smog Strangler.
Get yourself a mint or something.
Can I come in right now? I suppose.
Where are you located? Where is that? I don't know where we are.
Where are we? - I don't know - We don't know.
He says, "Ask somebody.
" Ask that guy.
- Excuse me, where are we? - Earth.
Hey, you know, I'm on the phone with the police.
Some guy just gave me a wise answer.
Ask that woman.
- Excuse me, what street are we on? - I don't know.
- You don't know? - I don't know.
How could you not know what street you're on? You don't know.
George, it says here on the phone.
It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard.
Okay.
Do we know where the 101 is? No.
Do we know where the 170 is? No.
Do we know where the 134 is? No.
Okay.
He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up.
- Black and white? - Cop car.
- Why didn't you just say that? - I thought it sounded cool.
- Yeah, real cool.
You're a cool guy.
- Oh, you are.
I guarantee you Lupe's gonna tuck your covers in.
- I'll bet you.
How much? - Her tip.
- You got a bet.
- Okay.
How much do you tip a chambermaid? Which one of you is Costanza? Get in.
Hi.
How are you? Guys, listen do either one of you have a mint, or a piece of gum, or something? Hey, Jerry, do me a favor.
Close your window.
Hey, get out of here.
- Hey, he's fooling around back here.
- Cut it out back there.
- He started it.
- I did not.
You guys gonna go through some red lights? I don't think so.
- But you could.
- Oh, yeah.
Of course we could.
We could do anything we want.
We can drive on the wrong side of the road.
We do that all the time.
You should see the looks on the people's faces.
Shoot people.
You guys ever shot anybody? - No.
- No.
- Can I flip on the siren? - Why are you bothering them? I'm just asking.
All they have to do is say no.
Yeah, go ahead.
- Check it out.
- Can I try it? Yeah, go ahead.
Hurry up.
Scared the hell out of that guy.
You know what I've never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid, it was always: You know, and now it's: Why'd they do that? Did they do some research? Did they find out "woo-woo" is more effective than "waa"? Yeah, hey, what about those English sirens, you know? Hey! I'm dizzy.
- Nice shotgun.
- Thanks.
- Clean as a whistle.
- You could eat off that shotgun.
- What is that, a 12-gauge? - Yeah.
Twelve-gauge.
Seems to be the most popular gauge.
- Big gauge.
My favorite.
- Mine too.
Love the 12-gauge.
Makes the 11 -gauge look like a cap pistol.
- What do we got over there? - What? - I don't know.
- Looks like a possible 519.
- 519? What's a 519? - Where? - You think so? - Looks like it.
- I can't believe this.
A 519? - Where? Where? I can't see.
This is car 23.
We have a possible All right.
Let's pull over and check it out.
Pull over? You can't pull over.
What are you doing? Where are you going? Pull over? The lieutenant is waiting to see us.
- Hey, hey, hey.
We're in a rush here! - We have an appointment.
What are you doing? Great.
There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.
- What kind? - Milano.
Cops eating Milanos? What kind of crazy town is this? - Should I take some? - I think that's a 519.
I'm starving.
- Spread them.
- Hey, they're busting this guy.
They're cuffing him.
I can't believe this.
I can't believe that cops still have to read that whole "you have the right to remain silent" speech to every criminal they arrest.
Is there anybody that doesn't know that by now? Can't they go, "You're under arrest.
You ever seen a Baretta?" "Yeah.
" "Good.
Get in the car.
" Hi.
Hi, I'm Jerry.
George.
How you doing? What'd you do? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
Oh, yeah, right.
Me neither.
Hey, I didn't do nothing.
Shut up.
- Hot out.
- Brutal.
What do you tip a chambermaid? I don't know.
Five bucks a night.
No.
A dollar.
Two, tops.
Hey, you guys aren't cuffed.
What are you, narcs? - Narcs.
- Imagine.
Us, narcs.
No, no.
No, actually, we're friends of a serial killer.
- Just trying to help him out.
- Really? - Yeah.
- That's very nice.
- Thank you.
- Suspected serial killer.
- He didn't actually do it.
- Yeah, well, we don't think.
We're pretty sure.
- A dollar a night? - Yeah.
That's a good tip.
- That stinks.
- I read it in Ann Landers.
- Ann Landers sucks! - Hey, shut up back there.
Attention, all units.
Attention, all units.
All units, code three.
All units in the area, code three in progress.
assistance in apprehension, 702.
- That's the Smog Strangler.
- Kramer.
- They got him.
- Let's go.
We've gotta go.
Let's see what's happening.
I don't know why I'm doing this.
Oh, man.
Jerry.
George.
You're under arrest for first-degree murder in the death of Chelsea Lange.
Why'd you do it? Why'd you do it? People wanna know, please! - What possessed you? - Well, I don't know.
- Do you have any regrets? - How are you? Hey! Hey! - Hey, how you doing? Jerry! George! - We're doing fine.
How are you? What? Me? Fabulous.
Just fabulous.
I got a lot of auditions, a lot of callbacks.
I got a lot of interest in my movie treatment.
You know, I'm in development.
I'm developing vehicles.
Man, there's a lot of energy here, man.
You know, the vibe, it's powerful.
I'm just swept up in it.
Yeah, I'm a player.
- You're a player? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm a player.
Kramer, do you realize what's going on here? Do you know why you're here? What, this? I'll be out of here in a couple of hours.
Hey, guess who I met today.
Fred Savage.
Oh, nice kid.
A really good kid.
You know, we're talking about doing a project together.
Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer.
So? I'm innocent.
I mean, you guys believe that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry? George? - Yeah, sure.
- Yeah, sure.
Kramer, let's go.
Lieutenant wants to see you.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
All right.
Look, I'll be out of here by noon.
Hey, maybe we'll have lunch together, huh? Hey, is it all right if I talk to them again? Yeah, okay.
Help me! Oh, God, help me! Get me out of here! George, Jerry, get me out! Get me! I didn't kill anyone.
I swear.
I swear to God! Don't you ever swear to my God, Kramer.
My God protects the innocent and punishes evil scum like you.
- Have you got that? - You're making a big mistake.
No! You made a mistake, Kramer.
Sickies like you always do.
The only difference is this time you're gonna pay.
Now, you might beat the gas chamber, Kramer.
But as long as I've got a breath you will never see the light of day again.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You got the wrong man! It wasn't me! Yeah, right.
Maybe it was one of your other personalities.
What? The wise guy, the little kid, the bellhop, the ballplayer? Maybe the door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman, but not you.
No, you wouldn't hurt a fly.
You just couldn't help yourself, could you, Kramer? You saw a life, brimming brightly with optimism and verve and you just had to snuff it out.
- Can I talk to somebody? - You're not letting me explain! - I don't want your explanations.
Sure, I bet you've got a million of them.
Maybe your mom didn't love you enough.
Maybe the teacher didn't call on you when you had your hand raised.
Maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants, huh? Oh, I got another theory for you.
- You're a weed.
- No.
- Society's filled with them.
- No.
You're choking the life out of all the pretty flowers.
You see something young and pretty you just got to choke the life out of it, don't you? You killed the pretty flowers, didn't you, Kramer? You killed the pretty little flowers, didn't you? You dirty, filthy, stinking weed! Didn't you? I Lieutenant, for you.
Martel.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- What is it, lieutenant? - Let him go.
- What? But, lieutenant - You heard me.
Let him go.
Get him out of here.
They just found another body up in Laurel Canyon.
Go on, Kramer.
Get out of my sight.
How'd you know about the guy in the park? I said, beat it.
- What happened? - Somebody got killed while they had me in custody.
- Really? Hear that? Somebody else was killed.
No kidding! Somebody else got killed? While he was in jail.
So you're free! Yes, I'm free because the murderer struck again.
Hey! So, Kramer, what are you gonna do? Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do.
You know, I've always done what I do.
I'm doing what I do.
The way I've always done it, and the way I'll always do it.
Kramer, what the hell are you talking about? Well, what do you want me to say? That things haven't worked out the way I've planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.
A.
's a cold place even in the middle of summer.
That it's a lonely place even when you're stuck in traffic on the freeway? That I'm no better than the screenwriter driving a cab the starlet turning tricks, the producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say? - I'd like to hear that.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm not saying that.
You know, things are going pretty well for me here.
- I met a girl.
- Kramer, she was murdered.
Yeah, well, you know, I wasn't looking for a long-term relationship.
- I was on TV.
- As a suspect in a serial killing.
Okay, yeah, all right.
You guys gotta put a negative spin on everything.
What do they put in this tuna? Tastes like a dill.
I think it's a dill.
- So you're not coming back with us? - No, I'm not ready, you know.
I mean, things are starting to happen for me.
Taste this.
Is this a dill? No, it's a tarragon.
Listen, Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything.
All right.
Okay, it's forgotten.
- Tarragon? - Yeah.
Oh, you're crazy.
- Take it easy, buddy.
- Yeah, okay.
Yep, take care.
Stay in touch.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Come on, give me a hug, you guys.
Kramer, my sandwich.
You're crushing my sandwich.
You know, it's so nice when it happens good.
- Mint? - No, thanks.
I gotta tell you.
I'm really disappointed in Lupe.
It's been three days already.
Forget about Lupe.
Think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home? No, I don't.
You'd think when they hand out the checks, they'd throw in a few soaps.
Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too.
I'll tell you, if I owned a company, my employees would love me.
They'd have huge pictures of me on the walls and in their home.
Like Lenin.
How much did you wind up tipping her? Oh, my God, I forgot.
That's why communism didn't work.
Hey! - Got any mustard? This is empty.
- Yeah, there's a new one in there.
No, no.
I don't like this one.
It's too yellow.
- Did you know he was back? - No.
- Got any pickles? - Help yourself.
Yeah.
All right.
Kramer, what are you doing here? I'm getting something to eat.
Kramer.
Here.
Authorities disclosed today that the latest Smog Stranglings suspect was apprehended this week on an unrelated charge but somehow managed to escape from the police car in which he was being held.
Tobias Lehigh Nagy, who is also wanted in connection with unrelated slayings in the Northwest is still at large, his whereabouts unknown.
He is described as 5'5", bald and reputedly a very generous tipper.
The thing about L.
A.
to me that kind of threw me was when, you know, they have the smog alerts out there.
And they actually recommend that people stay indoors during the smog alert.
Now, maybe I'm way off but don't you think? Wouldn't you assume that the air in the house pretty much comes from the air in the city where the house is? What do they think? We live in a jar with a couple of holes punched in the top? What the hell's going on out there? It's very strange.
Do you realize it is now possible for parents to say to their children: "All right, kids, I want you in the house and get some fresh air.
Summer vacation.
Everybody indoors.
"