The Golden Girls (1985) s04e02 Episode Script

Don't you just love waking up with rain tapping on your bedroom window? Absolutely.
I always throw open the window, uncork a bottle of Cold Duck and slip into my Frederick's of Hollywood ostrich-feather nightie.
Just because of rain tapping at your window? Oh, I thought she said, "Wayne.
" My mistake.
Sorry.
- Ma, where you going? - To the market.
- Why are you going in the rain? - The market's in Miami.
If it was in Phoenix, I'd be going in the sun.
Now, Sophia, Rose asked a perfectly sensible question.
Am I the only one she caught by surprise? Rose, I'm gonna buy a nectarine.
I go to the market every day to buy a nectarine.
At 82, that's life - a round trip on the number 6 bus to buy a nectarine.
- That's so sad.
- Not sad.
Life.
Sad is when you have to mash the nectarine with a fork.
It's a shame Sophia has nothing constructive to do anymore.
She needs something to make her feel more fulfilled.
I'll tell you what would make her feel more fulfilled (both) Blanche! A hobby.
Oh, I thought you meant, you know, a man.
You got a better hobby? - I don't think a hobby is the answer for Ma.
- What do you think is? I wish I knew.
Let's face it, life is as interesting as you make it, and at Ma's age it's harder to make the effort.
I should be grateful she's at least able to get out, even if it is just to buy a nectarine.
Well, girls, since it's raining, we could tackle those jobs around the house we always talk about.
- I'll change that bulb in the hallway.
- I'll hold the ladder.
I meant something like rearranging the furniture in the living room, or cleaning out the garage, or relining the kitchen shelves.
- Bingo! - Oh, bingo's fun on a rainy day.
- She was talking about relining shelves.
- Well, that could be fun too, if we divide into teams and grease our hands.
I got arrested for that once at a party in Chattanooga.
Oh, my goodness.
Look what I found.
Double-fudge cookies.
I thought we agreed not to keep cookies in the house.
- Right, after this last box.
- You're not gonna eat them, are you? No, Rose.
We're gonna go to some dumb country and try to use them as money.
- I thought we were gonna divide up work.
- That's right.
Rose, make a pot of coffee, Dorothy get the plates, and I'll just tear into these suckers.
- Hey! Hey, you got any decent nectarines? - There's nothing wrong with those.
Please! I got a bowl of waxed bananas that'll be ripe before these are.
You're crazy.
This nectarine is beautiful.
I never saw a more perfect piece of fruit.
No? Then try kissing my behind.
It's a real peach.
- Sophia.
- Nah, César Chàvez.
I got hungry.
- They giving you a hard time, too? - No, I can't pick out a decent nectarine.
- This way they do it for me.
- Why don't you just ask for help? Help? You know who helps old broads like us? Boy scouts in cartoons.
We gotta look after ourselves.
- They giving you any trouble? - I can't get a refund on this lamb chop.
It looked fine in the case, but when I got it home the bottom was all fat.
- Come with me.
- Sophia, I don't wanna make trouble.
When's the last time you saw me make trouble? - Aisle three.
- Oh, relax.
- Sir, uh - Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I already told you I can't take it back.
It's against store policy.
Are you willing to sign an affidavit? - A what? - An affidavit.
- It's standard in any NOPRL investigation.
- NOPRL? The N-O-P-R-L: Network of Older People Retired but Living.
Sophia Petrillo, past president and legal counsel.
This store's in big trouble, mister.
I got a better case than Valerie Harper.
Excuse me, ladies.
Is there a problem here? Only if you consider a class-action suit and a boycott by OREP a problem.
- I thought it was NOPRL.
- This is too big for NOPRL.
- This is all the way up to OREP.
- OREP? Organization of Retired and Elderly People.
Sophia Petrillo, Executive Director and leader of the '87 march on Neiman Marcus.
Mrs.
Petrillo, isn't there some way to resolve this matter? I'm afraid not.
The wheels of justice are already in motion.
Of course, a full refund could put those wheels in reverse.
- How much? - A buck, 17.
You got it.
Here.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
We'll be in touch.
Oh, listen.
Uh, how much for the nectarine? - Take it.
It's on the house.
- We can't do that.
It's against the bylaws.
All right, you can pay me.
That's 45 cents.
What's inside, a pit or a pearl? - This is a 25-cent nectarine.
- Fine.
Sold.
Don't stand there like a bump on a pickle.
Give the man a quarter.
When the waiter brought my order he set down a bowl of gazpacho in front of me.
I said, "I ordered consommé.
" He said, "A hot number like you needs something spicy.
" I said, "I'll give you somethin' spicy," and I poured the gazpacho down his pants.
- So you never went out with him.
- No.
I just slept with him.
He wasn't my type.
Oh, my goodness.
Blanche, how could you? - Come on, Rose.
She's just teasing you.
- That's right, honey, I'm just teasing.
You always tease the one you love.
Actually, tease and tickle.
Actually, tease, tickle and spank.
Blanche - Actually - Blanche.
I'm sorry.
What was I talking about? - About teasing me 'cause you love me.
- Oh, that's right.
Well, it's true.
I learned that during my sorority years when I was dating Preston Bougainvillea.
- Lord, the teasing that boy put up with.
- Because of his name.
No, because of his ears.
He had these long, floppy ears.
Kind of like a basset hound.
When he came to pick me up for our blind date I couldn't believe it.
He jumped out of the car and he ran up the walk and bounded up onto the front porch, and I remember thinking, "He's gonna trip on those ears.
" But he didn't.
So there he stood before me introducing himself and, I don't know, I was still so stunned, I just kind of half-muttered a "Howdy-do" and he said, "I beg your pardon? I didn't hear you.
" Well, I don't know what came over me, but I just blurted out, "Didn't hear me? I think you could pick up Radio Free Europe with those ears!" And you know what he did? He laughed.
Well, right then and there I started growing very fond of Mr.
Preston Bougainvillea, and over the next several months we saw quite a lot of each other.
- Oh, that's really very sweet, Blanche.
- I know.
By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportionate to the size of his other bodily organs? What do you mean? He had a big, floppy pancreas, Rose.
Look, could we get back to lining the shelves? - I don't feel like it anymore.
- What do you wanna do instead? I know.
Let's rent an adult video, drink mimosas and French-kiss the pillows.
I don't think so, Blanche.
Fine.
I'm out of ideas.
You think of something.
How about if we rearrange the furniture in the living room? Don't you think we ought to wait till Sophia gets back? Maybe she'd like to help.
You know she's always exhausted when she gets back from the market.
The first thing she does is go to take a nap before dinner.
Then we'll just do it right now.
Come on.
OK.
(#jazz number All right, all right.
Take five.
Even the seagulls stopped listening.
- The rain kept our fans away.
- Baloney! Every week we've been collecting what, The last two weeks we're lucky if we break ten, and you know why? We're losing our edge.
The excitement is gone.
We're not driven like we used to be.
Haven't we learned anything from the tragic examples of Mike Douglas and Ferdinand Marcos? Come on, Sophia.
You know, a little lunch might cheer you up.
- You brought yours? - Nah, this is for later.
I'm having the usual as soon as the sausage guy comes.
- So, let's see, who's buying? - Pulse or pressure? - Pressure.
- 140 over 80.
- 130 over 80.
- 120 over 70.
Your treat, Esther.
And I'd stay away from the sausage if I were you.
Sophia, would you like to come to my art class today? You talk Murray Schimowitz into posing naked yet? - We got him down to his truss.
- I've seen his truss.
It's impressive.
The first time he showed it off I thought he had a turkey platter in his pants.
- Besides, today's my day at the hospital.
- You're not feeling good? Please! I haven't felt good since Hugh Downs left the Today show.
- But that's got nothin' to do with it.
- Hey, look.
OK, break's over.
Let's pretend we know what we're doing and try to turn a buck.
Come on, girls, give it all you got.
Remember the clinic and work hard.
Remember your art and be proud.
Remember an F sharp and blow.
One, two, one (? jazzy version of "When The Saints Go Marching In") - Well, I guess we should get back to work.
- Oh, I suppose so, but, you know, a big meal always makes me so sleepy.
Is that why you usually go right to bed after a date buys you dinner? - Who said that? - You did.
At the beauty parlor.
Don't you remember? And Agnes said you were a lot of hot air, and you said she was just jealous 'cause she wasn't getting any.
And I said, "Getting any what?" And you said, "Rice pudding, Rose.
" - And I said - Can we get back to moving the furniture? The weather's cleared up.
I think we should save a big project like this for a rainy day.
We agreed we weren't gonna waste time.
That'd be a mistake, something we'd regret for the rest of our lives.
Rose, we're eating pizza, not getting tattoos.
I just hate the idea of wasting time, I always have - ever since what happened to my neighbor in St.
Olaf.
Rose are you about to educate us on the evils of wasting time by telling a long, tedious St.
Olaf story? D'you know a better way? She has a point, Blanche.
It was back in 1955 and we had just moved into our first house, right next door to Pigpen Johannsen.
- It wasn't his real name.
It was a nickname.
- Pigpen? No, Johannsen.
Anyway, Pigpen had just turned 80 and the town bylaws made him leave his job teaching drivers training at the high school.
- Well, at 80 it was about time.
- It had nothing to do with his age.
There was an old law on the books about driving with your shirt off.
I once got arrested for that in Chattanooga, too.
Blanche, let me ask you a question.
Are you allowed to go back to Chattanooga? Are you kidding? The sheriff still writes.
- Go on, Rose.
- Anyway, without a job Pigpen started feeling useless, so the town fathers thought they'd give him a new job - putting up the "Welcome to St.
Olaf" sign out on Miller's Lane.
- Rose, is there a point to this story? - Yes! That same year on Founders' Day the governor was coming, and Pigpen forgot to put up the sign.
The governor drove straight through town without ever realizing he was in St.
Olaf.
I would have thought the glazed look on everyone's face would have tipped him off.
So the point is Pigpen ruined Founders' Day all because he was wasting time.
That's right, and the town fathers took down his picture.
It had always hung in the St.
Olaf auto shop, right next to Andy Granatelli.
My mother used to date him.
You know what he has under that trench coat? A wrench? That's what Mother called it.
Anyway, Mother was having trouble with her transmission and Andy was - It's after one o'clock.
You're late.
- So dock me.
- You do this for free.
- Then be grateful.
Anything happening? Yeah, we got three in surgery, two in X-ray, and you gotta deliver these on your break.
In your dreams! I'm a Sunshine Lady, not a teamster.
Now get the hell outta here, let me do my work.
Oh, uh, one more thing.
Your boyfriend was looking for you.
Sam? He wheeled himself out here just to see me? Yeah.
I don't get it.
He must see a side of you that's hidden from the rest of the world.
Like the dark side of the moon.
You're just jealous because you know you can never have me.
What's wrong, you don't watch General Hospital? This place is a passion pit.
- Any flowers for me today? - No.
- Are you sure? The name's Leonard.
- I know your name.
You ask me every day if I have flowers for you, and the answer is always no.
Oh, wait a minute.
I made a mistake.
There are flowers for you today.
Really? Which one? All of them, and the balloons too.
There's no one here to deliver them right now, so you leave your walker here and just wheel these to your room.
Oh, thank you.
No! Thank youl Hi, Sophia.
- Sam! How are you doin'? - I'm feeling real good today.
Your strength's coming back - you wheeled yourself down the hall.
Excuse me, I'd like to check on my husband.
Mr.
Carp, prostate surgery.
Nothing yet, but he'll be fine.
I went through it myself 20 years ago.
- You had prostate surgery? - What do I look like, a cross-dresser? My husband had the surgery.
I was the one who went through it.
So, tell me, Sam, what's new? So, anyway, Lars froze solid right in the middle of the lake and the town fathers mistook him for Max Brinker, the inventor of Herring Krispies.
Which, by the way, go great with borscht.
But what doesn't? (bell Cake's done.
Gee, I wonder why Ma isn't back from the market yet.
She probably stopped to rest on a bench.
Poor thing.
Honey, her problem is not physical.
She could do a lot more if she wanted to.
- You mean she has energy, just no desire.
- Exactly.
You know, her mother lived to be 94 and was active right up until the very end.
When Grandma was in a wheelchair she was on the go from morning till night.
But she always had time to talk to her grandchildren.
If I close my eyes, I can hear her saying, "Come on, you snotnosed little rugrats.
Pick up those jacks.
They're puncturing holes in my tires.
" But the most amazing thing about Grandma was that in 1952 - she decided to go into politics.
- Politics? Uh-huh.
She felt it was her responsibility to elect Adlai Stevenson president.
Well, she didn't care for Eisenhower because he claimed to have liberated Italy, and she said Italy was liberated enough.
Already too many people eating meat on Friday and wearing condoms on Saturday.
- Whatever happened to her? - She colonized life on Venus.
Rose, she was 94 when I was six.
She died, you idiot.
How did she die? You know, we're not sure.
One night she left in her wheelchair and she never came back.
The next day the neighborhood kids had a go-kart with two really big back wheels.
Dorothy, why don't you just remind Sophia how active her mama was? But, honey, Ma never saw that.
To Grandma it was no big deal.
She was just doing what she'd done all her life, so she never even discussed it.
And to Ma, well, all she saw was the woman she loved growing old and wrinkled in a wheelchair.
Just goes to show how different one generation can be from another.
- Absolutely.
- I'll say.
Well, what do y'all wanna do now? Well, we aren't gonna waste this day.
We have to do something constructive.
- Jeopardy is on in 15 minutes.
- Sounds good.
Let's go.
I'll just slice up this cake and bring it in.
Sophia, don't you have to go back to work? Please! I don't perform brain surgery.
I give people directions to the cafeteria.
If I like 'em, I give 'em the wrong directions.
- Have any visitors today? - Mom and Dad were by this morning.
- They brought comic books.
- I never let my boy Phil read comic books.
Of course, when he was 16 we shared an underwear drawer.
- Did you bring me anything today? - Don't I always? - I thought maybe you forgot.
- I never forget.
But I hate nectarines.
- You have to eat.
- Sophia, it doesn't matter.
You know that.
Crazy talk.
Comes from not eating enough fresh fruit.
Here.
Sophia, once they goofed up my blood with that transfusion, there wasn't anything anyone could do.
No one's ever beat it, Sophia.
But someday they will, and it could be tomorrow and it could be you.
I believe that and you're gonna believe that, because right now, today, that's all we got - hope.
And a nectarine.
And a nectarine.
(Rose turns off TV It's a shame.
We didn't accomplish anything today.
Of course we did.
We found out in a pinch fruit cocktail is not bad on a bagel.
- Oh, hi, Ma.
- Hello there.
- You guys ready for bed already? - (laughs) Yeah, I guess we are! We're very tired.
We took care of a lot of odds and ends around the house today.
- What did you do, Ma? - What did I do today? What I do every day - I bought a nectarine.