Cheers s04e03 Episode Script

Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
- Great game.
- Yeah.
Hey, look, they're showing chicks in the stands every-- Oh, look at that one.
Come to papa! Oh, yeah, Cliffie, they didn't build that stadium in Foxboro for nothing, pal.
They sure didn't.
I'll bet it cost millions.
I suppose you're wondering why a person of my breeding would be working among the lumpen proletariat.
Do you mind? I'm researching a novel, and working here gives me insight into their simple pleasures.
Oh, wait, wait.
They're zooming in on a cheerleader here.
I think I've zoomed in on that one myself.
This language supplies the rich texture that distinguished Fitzgerald's work.
Cliffie, here comes the wave.
Well, you have to go along with them, or they get testy.
That's good.
Good.
Seeing Baryshnikov dance Giselle was the experience of a lifetime.
When he took the stage in his cabriole, it was breathtaking.
- I'd never seen his Albrecht before.
- You mean he split his tights? I wish.
Hey, Diane, you got a minute? Listen, I want you to know that you are the last person on earth that I would ask for help.
But I figure you've been in college for a zillion years, so you must have picked up something.
- Now that you've buttered me up - Well, my kid Gino, he made this generator for his school science fair, - and he can't get it to work.
- What's the problem? He's not very smart.
Here, take a look at this thing.
If you're asking me to do Gino's homework for him, I won't.
It's unethical.
- Hey, Mrs T? - What? You know, you ought to ask Mr Clavin.
He's very sharp.
He's got more information in his whole head than I got in my little finger.
- You got that backwards.
- See? Oh, yeah, Carla, it is common knowledge that I'm scientifically handy.
As a matter of fact, I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.
And you'd still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you how to open your cage.
Hey.
Will you look at that? One of those new marital aids, huh? Okay, Clavin, the science fair is in one week.
This is your chance to either gain my respect or lose your tonsils.
Hey, well, thanks for the opportunity, Carla.
So, Norm, what do you say? You wanna give me a hand here? No.
I think I'll pass, Dr Frankenstein.
Cliff, have one on the house here for your good deed.
Oh, thank you, Sammy.
What about one for lgor? Sam, who's sitting here? I don't know, but his coat's been taking up bar space all night.
So I've noticed.
Cashmere.
Very nice.
Hand stitching.
Tortoiseshell buttons.
This is a very expensive garment.
Doesn't look that expensive to me.
It has a Bemberg lining.
Oh, well, no fair, now.
You didn't mention that.
I'm gonna hang it up.
Oh, a pipe smoker.
I don't believe it's a domestic blend.
Sam, what do you think? - I don't smell anything.
- Of course not.
Your olfactory senses have been destroyed by that cologne you marinate in.
Oh, I should've known.
Of course, it's a perique blend.
Jack Meechan, my father's partner, used to smoke it.
The memory's so clearly etched in my mind.
He'd sit in his office smoking his pipe.
I'd beg to sit in his lap, and he'd say, "Okay, little miss, but you have to pay the toll first.
" So I'd give him a big hug, and then he'd ask, "How about a tip for the gatekeeper?" So I'd give him a peck on the cheek, and he'd toss me in the air, yelling, "Who's your favourite uncle?" And I'd squeal, "Uncle Jack, Uncle Jack.
" Was this before or after you met me? This is weird.
What are you making a big deal about the coat for? I was merely trying to conjure up an image of the owner.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Fantasy's healthy.
Everybody does it.
Didn't you ever fantasize about me? Yeah, I guess I did.
And I you.
What did you fantasize about? Mostly that you'd stop using phrases like, "And I you.
" Okay, Watson, fire up.
Cliffie, are you all right? It went right from my neck to my lower regions, Norm.
- Anything we can do? - Yeah.
Crank it up again.
Woody, would you add up these receipts for me, please? Sure.
There's eight of them.
Thank you, Woody.
That's what I got too.
Hey, Sam, this guy never came back for his coat.
Probably saw Diane sniffing it.
- Night, all.
- Night, Woody.
- Okay, Sam, lost and found.
- Give me that.
Maybe there's some identification.
No wallet.
Well, there must be some clue here.
You see? Two tickets to the Grand Kabuki.
So he likes to watch two fat guys with diapers butt heads.
- What's that tell you? - That you're an idiot.
You're confusing sumo wrestling with classic Japanese theatre.
Gee, please don't tell the guys.
A dried rose.
What a romantic.
Could it be a memento from a golden midi d'amour in some sylvan setting? What's that? A classy way of saying a nooner? Boy, you're really losing it here.
You know, you can't tell what a guy's like by what he's got in his pocket.
I certainly can.
What do you have in your pockets? Why don't you check it out yourself and you tell me.
I think my point is made.
Has it occurred to you this guy may look like Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy? I can tell you right now that the owner of this coat could well be the most attractive man I've ever encountered, whatever he looks like.
Down, girl, down.
What a person looks like has nothing to do with who that person is.
If my face were transposed on another soul, would it matter? To the poor sap who got it, it would.
Cheers.
Oh, well, hold on a sec.
I'll check.
Have we seen a cashmere coat with Bemberg lining around here? Sam.
Yeah, why don't you talk to our coat-check girl.
The dream man for Miss Chambers.
Hello.
My name is Diane Chambers, and I want you to rest assured that your lovely coat is safe in my charge.
I think we have a bad connection.
Your car phone? You know, I imagined you had a car phone.
Well, what I meant was, is we were playing this game, wondering what you'd be like based on your coat.
Me? Well, close your eyes and imagine.
Oh, no, don't.
We don't want you rear-ending a bus.
Oh, forgive my merry sense of humour.
I get it from my mother's side.
- Oh, my God.
- He sounds wonderful.
Really? Well, why don't you ask him out, then.
Yes.
Listen, you sound like a charming man.
If it's not too forward, perhaps we could go for an espresso sometime? Sometime? Now, there's a commitment for you.
On second thought, I'm getting off work now.
If you're not busy, we could do it tonight.
Oh, we're both such spontaneous madcaps, aren't we? You're right down the block? Momentarily, then.
Making a date with a stranger over the telephone is a big mistake, Diane.
I tried it.
It was nothing but trouble.
Of course, mine was an obscene phone call.
I hope this works out.
Busted expectations are a real bummer.
- I won't be disappointed.
- No, no, I was talking about him.
Hey, hey, hey.
Here comes Mr Right down the steps as we speak.
Socks.
He's already got my guy beat.
- What, are you nervous there? - Not at all.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I bet you're the guy without the coat.
- Yes, I am.
Diane? You should be so lucky.
Diane.
Aren't you going to introduce yourself to this lovely gentleman? Of course I am.
I was just waiting for the proper moment.
I'm Diane Chambers.
How do you do? Welcome to Cheers.
I'm Stuart Sorenson.
- Well.
- Yes.
- Oh, good, you have my coat.
- Ah, yes.
I can't tell you how grateful I am for you taking such good care of it.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
It's a lovely garment.
Did you get it on the Continent? - France.
- "The Continent.
" Nice try, Diane.
Hi, Stuart, I'm Sam Malone.
I haven't seen you in here before, have l? Well, I'm new to the Boston area.
I'm in the midst of restoring a carriage house on Beacon Hill.
And I needed a break, so I just wandered in here.
- It's a nice little pub you have.
- Well, thank you.
- That makes you a carpenter, huh? - Sam, he's probably an architect.
- Why, yes, I am an architect.
- An architect, you say? - Did you hear that, Sam? - Three times.
Listen, Diane, about that date, I realise we made it over the phone and-- Well, here's your chance to back out.
This lady's not going to let you off that easily.
But it was a nice try there, Stuart.
Do you know a place still open for espresso? As a matter of fact, I know a wonderful little boîte.
Every time I go there, I'm reminded of the Café Lumière, opposite the Bois de Boulogne.
I know exactly the one you're talking about.
It's in the lobby of the Hôtel Sainte-Cécile.
- Yes.
- Well.
That's the only place I stay when I'm in Paris.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That sounded so pretentious.
There's my car phone.
That sounded pretentious too.
Oh, hell, so I'm pretentious.
- Do you mind if I go get that? - Not at all.
I'll meet you at your car.
There's a back way out of here.
You gotta shinny up a drainpipe, crawl over some broken glass, but I think it may be worth it.
What are you talking about? I feel totally vindicated.
He's everything I thought he would be.
He's charming, intelligent, self-deprecating.
I didn't hear "attractive" in there.
- I find him attractive.
- Oh, come on, Diane.
On a scale of one to ten, me being a 12, of course, where are you gonna rate Stuart? Let's change that to lQ.
While your score would remain 12 his would skyrocket.
It's too bad you're not gonna be gazing across the table at his lQ.
Why don't you just admit you're jealous.
All right, I am.
You're right, but can you blame me? Sam, are you saying what I think you're saying? You bet I am.
I'd kill for a car phone.
Two vodka tonics.
- So where's the stick? - She and Stuart are on another date.
They went to see a play.
I think it's a whodunit.
With him in the audience, it's a what-is-it.
Hey, hey, come on.
Lighten up on him, will you? He turned out to be kind of a nice fella.
Gonna have to give Diane credit on this one.
Her intuition proved to be right.
I'm a great believer in intuition.
It's like when I first saw you, Sam.
Something told me you were super smooth with the ladies.
Maybe it was that time you walked out of here with four of them, one on each arm.
You know, you always just seem to know the right moves.
Sometimes I like to just stand around and watch you operate.
- It's like going to school.
- I never really thought of it like that.
Well, yes, I have.
Well, so there we were, me and 25 soaking wet Japanese architects in my apartment, and I'm out of Brie.
Oh, Stuart, what a life you've led.
Make yourself comfortable.
I'll get our drinks.
Hey, Stuart, how was the theatre? - Great fun, Sam.
- Oh, good.
Hey, Miss Chambers? I've been meaning to tell you, I really like your friend Stuart.
Oh, thank you, Woody.
Hey, you think you could get him to do that great trick for me? What trick? The one Sam says he does when he makes the clock stop by looking at it.
Wasn't that just supposed to be between you, me and the lamppost? Well, look at her.
It's an easy mistake.
Excuse me.
I have to speak with Sam.
I'll be back before the bouquet leaves the glasses.
Might I speak with you briefly? You might, but I don't think you will.
I'm sorry about that clock comment.
I made it before I realised what a nice guy he is.
I'm such a pooh.
- Beg your pardon? - You heard me.
A pooh.
After all these years, I have to admit it.
I'm all talk.
Oh, well, of course you are, honey, but we've all gotten used to that.
Sam, I have spent the week with a person who can converse on a multitude of subjects, who listens when I talk, who treats me with respect.
And a person with whom I can think of nothing but, "Why aren't you great-looking?" Or, "Why can't I stop wishing you were great-looking?" This is probably not the right time to say I told you so, so if you could just remind me to get to it later.
Oh, Sam.
I'm small and vain and petty.
Will you stop being hard on yourself? I mean, that's my job here.
Come on.
You had, what, few casual dates with him? What's the big deal? Yes, but as often happens in my life, this gentleman is becoming much too serious, much too fast.
He's wearing that smitten look I know so well.
I've got to do something before it goes any further.
Uh-huh, I see.
For the first time in my life I can't bring myself to tell the truth to a man so I need a lie.
And God forgive me, I'm coming to you for help.
Well, I'm flattered.
All right, let me Let me give this a little thought here.
All right.
All right, I've never passed this one on before, but I think it's-- I think it's the ticket here.
It's neat, fast, clean and, best of all, it makes them want to get away from you.
Now, here's what you do.
You tell him that you have a contagious skin condition and that insanity runs in your family.
Very sensitive.
Well, thank you.
It's a gift.
Sam, I have never been more grateful to you than I am now.
I just looked into the face of insensitivity and dishonesty, and it made me blanch.
I am going out there, and I'm going to break up with Stuart.
But I'm going to do it honestly, straightforwardly and yet, caringly.
I'll tell him the truth of my feelings, that I'm not attracted to him romantically, although I am very attracted to him as a friend.
And I'll say it in a way that he will accept and understand and be grateful for.
Do you even begin to understand what I'm trying to say? Everything except the part where you changed your name to Blanche.
Goodbye, Sam.
Goodbye, Blanche.
Thank you.
- Listen, Stuart-- - Diane, I'm sorry.
I can't put this off any longer.
There's something I have to tell you.
Diane, for the first time in my life, I'm thinking of making a permanent commitment with a woman.
Stuart, I have a contagious skin disease and insanity runs in my family.
My God, Diane, I'm terribly sorry to hear that.
Thank you.
I thought you should know.
Well, that makes me feel a little selfish, talking about my good news after hearing that.
Your good news? Diane, what I'm trying to say is there's someone else.
She's someone I knew before I met you.
I honestly thought it was over between us, but-- Well, we spoke earlier today, and we decided to work things through.
You're telling the truth, aren't you, Stuart? Well, that's the most wonderful thing I ever heard.
It's tearing me apart inside.
I'm a total wreck.
Don't give up hope, Diane.
No relationship is guaranteed.
Except yours.
Don't you doubt for a moment.
- We're talking ironclad here.
- Well, thank you.
By the way, have you seen a doctor about that condition of yours? What con--? Oh, yes, yes.
I'm seeing a wonderful man.
He's almost cleared it up completely.
He's about got that insanity thing licked too.
He's a skin and brain man.
It's a new specialty.
Sounds fascinating.
Well, Diane, I'm really glad we had this chance to know each other.
Me too.
- Goodbye, Diane.
- Goodbye, Stuart.
Hey, congratulations.
You're free and clear.
Don't congratulate me.
He's a terrific guy.
And I cast him aside because of his appearance.
I'm greatly ashamed.
Well, from where I was sitting, it sounded like he was-- All right, Sam, let's not split hairs.
The point is, he's gone.
For the first time ever, I let appearance taint my feelings toward a man.
Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself.
Looks are all that ever mattered to you.
What are you talking about? That is utterly inaccurate.
Oh, yeah? Want me to prove it to you? Yes.
Who were you more crazy about than anyone else in your entire life? Not including yourself there.
Don't answer.
It was me.
And there was only one reason why you ever went out with me, and that was because of my looks.
- Not entirely.
- Yes, entirely.
Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me.
Go on, name one.
You can't, can you? No, Sam, I can't.