Everybody Hates Chris s04e03 Episode Script

( Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself" playing ) CHRIS: During football season at Tattaglia, there was nothing more important than Homecoming Week.
Homecoming Dance? What are you looking at that for? Just want to know the date of the dance so I can start acting like I'm sick three days before.
It's a great excuse-- I'd use it, but nobody cares whether I'm there or not.
Why don't you just go stag? End up dancing by myself? I could do that at home.
# I'll be dancing with myself # # Oh, I'll be dancing With myself # Would you go dance with yourself someplace else? # Dancing with myself # Chris I'd like you to meet Jenise.
Hi.
I just transferred in.
Jenise doesn't have a date for the dance, and since all the other black men are taken By white women.
I thought you two might go together.
Well, anyway, I'll let Chris lay his rap on you.
Peace.
I'm Audi 5000.
So do you want to go? Sure.
I just don't want you to feel like you have to go 'cause she set you up.
No, it's cool.
All you have to do is come by so my parents can meet you.
If they like you, we can go.
That's cool.
That will go great, because we all know-- Everybody loves me.
So I'll see you later.
Dude, you're going to the Homecoming Dance? I guess so.
Great.
My life sucks, and what do you do? You make it suck worse.
What, do you want me to stay at home and have a sucky night too so you can feel better? Yeah.
That's what friends are for.
With friends like that, who needs enemies? ( funky hip-hop theme playing ) # Oh, make it funky now # Since I was going to the dance with Jenise, I needed to cancel a date with Doc's.
Drew, I need you to work my shift Saturday night at Doc's.
He's already taking your place working after school.
You need him to work on weekends too? It's okay, Mom.
I could use the money.
Well, what do you have to do anyway? I have a date to the Homecoming Dance.
A date? What's wrong with her? Nothing.
Her name's Jenise, and she lives in Park Slope.
ROCHELLE: Park Slope? That's expensive.
And she goes to your school? I told you there was something wrong with her.
She's retarded.
Your brother's date is not retarded.
Well, she could be, but there's different levels.
She could be a moron, an imbecile, an idiot or a cretin.
Morons have the highest IQ of the mentally retarded, so if something's wrong with her, you may not notice at first.
Like the first time you watch Bill O'Reilly.
Why is it so hard to believe I have a date with a perfectly nice, normal girl? ( hysterical laughter ) ( laughter continues ) ( screeching laughter ) ( hysterical laughter continues ) ( phone rings ) Hello? Hello? ( hysterical laughter ) ( speaking indistinctly ) ( all gasping for breath) Oh, stop.
Whew.
Whew.
You finished? Yeah, yeah.
But you have to admit, that was pretty funny.
ROCHELLE: Oh, Drew and Tonya, y'all go get ready for bed.
Mm, mm, mm.
Anyway, all she said was that I had to meet her parents, and if they say it's okay, then we can go.
What? Wait a minute, now.
Who are they to be checking out my son? I should be checking out their daughter.
Who knows what kind of floozy she might be? I'd like to find out.
Since you're going for an inspection, make sure you make a good impression.
If I could do impressions, I'd still be on Saturday Night Live.
Meanwhile, I wasn't the only one trying to impress a new girl.
# Mr.
Telephone Man # # There's something wrong With my line # # When I dial My baby's number # # I get a click every time # That's good.
I didn't know you could sing like that.
Hey, Tonya.
Hey, Youngblood.
Where y'all going? Oh, he's walking me home.
Check you out.
I heard you singing.
Now you're walking people home? You're like a one-man walking show.
All chivalrous.
You're like Maurice Chevalier.
James was a rare combination of French film buff and bug.
Maybe I'll see you tomorrow.
Come on, man.
Where you going? Don't leave.
Let's sing.
You be Ralph Tresvant.
I'll be Bobby Brown.
Come on.
How come no one ever wants to be Ronnie DeVoe? What'd you do that for? I liked you before he did.
How come I can't walk you home? Because I'm going by myself.
Meanwhile, Greg had gone from bad to worse, like America under Bush.
Greg, where you going? I'm out of here.
I just don't fit in anymore.
I can't come back to this.
At the Bronx Academy, I was somebody.
Yeah, you were the guy who got kicked out.
I wouldn't expect you to understand.
You're manager of the football team.
You got a date to the dance.
I'm just another reject.
Well, what are you gonna do about it? Join the army.
They don't reject anybody.
Rejected.
Sorry.
While Greg looked for acceptance, Doc looked for business.
Is all this stuff past the expiration date? Yeah.
I remember back when I couldn't keep a shelf stocked.
( chuckles ): I can't figure out why people don't come in here no more.
Because you don't sell crack.
Could be because there's a negative flow of energy.
Or because you don't sell crack.
What you talking about? Feng shui.
It's the Chinese practice of achieving harmony in one's environment through the placement of objects.
I think feng shui is the reason Mr.
Fong's restaurant is always so packed.
And because Mr.
Fong sells crack.
Feng shui, huh? I thought I was gonna have to sell crack.
Eh, what the hay.
Do your thing.
While Drew was setting up to get some customers, I was setting up to meet the parents.
Wow, look at you.
Looking like that, my parents might think I'm not good enough for you.
I just don't want anything to go wrong.
Then send someone else in your place.
Everything'll be fine.
I'll meet you at my house after school.
Cool.
What's your problem? Oops.
Sorry.
I forgot to say, "Here, catch.
" Well, at least it's chocolate.
It'll blend in.
I hope her family likes chocolate.
( upbeat jazz theme playing ) ( doorbell rings ) ( audience applause, whooping ) (as Bill Cosby): What is all of this ringing of the bells while I am eating the sweet potato pop? Mmm.
( audience applause, whooping, whistling ) Son, the homeless shelter's around the corner.
No, I'm not homeless.
I'm Chris.
I'm taking Jenise to the Homecoming Dance this week at Tattaglia.
In that? Jenise Huckstable.
Downstairs.
Now.
Come in, son.
( audience applause, whooping, whistling ) Oh, no.
Chris, what happened? After we met in the hallway, this kid hit me with a bowl of pudding.
Here, come sit down.
( griping indistinctly ) Just in case that's not pudding.
Clint Huckstable, what is wrong with you? Oh, my Lord.
A motherless child.
JENISE: He's not a motherless child.
That's Chris.
We met at school.
I got hit with a bowl of pudding.
Blair, the boy has been abused.
Well, I can take your case.
I'm a lawyer, you know.
I am very accomplished.
Yes, and I would like to accomplish something with you later on, if you know what I mean.
BLAIR ( giggling ): Stop it, Clint.
So, Chris, where are you from? Bed-Stuy.
Now, I heard about that place.
I sent a boy to jail from there.
He was selling something called crack.
All the babies from there are on it.
Are you a crack baby? No, sir.
Now, Chris, do you have a family? Yeah, a mother, father, sister, brother.
Are they crack people? No, sir.
What kind of law does your mother practice? She works in the beauty salon.
And what does your father do? Oh, he has two jobs.
Oh, so he's a doctor and a lawyer.
No, he drives a truck and does security part-time.
( audience sighing ) I see.
Well, Chris, much like your people from Bed-Stuy, our daughter here is a screwup.
Yeah, and instead of wasting money on a good private school, we decided to teach her a lesson and send her to the Tattaglia public school.
And then she decided to teach us a lesson by bringing you home.
( audience laughs ) But we are not going to penalize you for her stupidity.
Chris, we have decided to let you take our daughter Jenise to the Homecoming Dance.
( audience cheering, applause ) CHRIS: Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
And we have this lovely sweater here so you have something decent to wear.
Also this delicious box of Sweet Potato Pops.
( cheering and applause ) While I was working on the Huckstables, James was working on Tonya's nerves.
Where's Jason? He was supposed to meet me, not you.
You mean Maurice? I don't know.
But I know this much: If I was supposed to walk you to school, when you came out, I'd be there, even if somebody threatened me with a tire iron.
She wishes she had a tire iron.
But I'll walk you, you know, since he's not here.
I don't want you to walk me to school.
Leave me alone.
That's how girls turned down R.
Kelly.
While Tonya wanted to be alone, Doc had plenty of company.
( speaks Chinese ) Wow, this feng shui thing is somethin' else.
Business hasn't been this good since they robbed the food stamp truck.
What's this? Oh, this is a money tree.
It'll bring you good fortune.
Looks like it's working.
( speaks mangled Chinese ) Can I help you? That's English for "I don't speak Chinese.
" Doc's business was at an all-time high, and Greg was at an all-time low.
Greg, get up.
I mean, I know getting kicked out of the Bronx Academy sucked, but things can work out.
It's easy for you to say.
You're not the one with the miserable life.
What show have you been on for the last three years? Maybe you just need to get involved with something.
Like what? Like a shower.
I got an idea.
The school mascot, a sleeping fish.
What about it? Well, they need a new guy.
The other guy quit.
So what, you think me running around the sidelines at a football game wearing a giant fish suit's gonna help me? Really? That's what you think? Well, everybody loves him.
And they've never lost a game with him on the sidelines.
I don't know.
Trust me.
( upbeat theme playing ) Hey, Greg, you look great.
Hey, Chris, you're lying.
All right, Bassie, I want you to get out there today, you run around that field, you get us a win.
Understand? Isn't that what the players are for? Move it or lose it, towel boy.
Greg, come on.
No, I got to wait for a car to take me.
I got this big suit.
Oh, well, good luck.
Catch you later.
While I was gonna catch Greg later, some other guys were gonna catch Greg now.
( door slams, tires squeal ) While Greg was nowhere to be found, Doc couldn't find anything.
Drew, where did you put the hot sauce? Uh.
What you mean, it disrupted the chi? Okay, then where's the chi? Where the hot sauce used to be.
Well, I can't pour a philosophical concept on my catfish, now can I? Think.
I'll call you back.
Meanwhile, history was made today when the Tattaglia Sleeping Fish lost their homecoming game to the Clemenza Fighting Silencers by a score of 68 to 2.
We fought a good fight, but we lost.
But ultimately, I have to blame the loss on our mascot Bassie.
He was a no-show, and we lost.
Hope you're happy about that, Bassie, You happ--? You happy now? You happy? You see what you did.
Tomorrow night at Madison Square Garden, light heavyweight ( all chuckling ) Yeah.
Yeah.
( tires squeal, door slams ) Greg, what happened? I got fishnapped.
You okay? No, I'm not okay.
I spent the last three hours in the back of a van with a giant fish suit on me with guys trying to force-feed me worms.
I hope that wasn't a metaphor.
Just calm down.
No, you calm down.
Go to your stupid Homecoming Dance with your stupid date.
And stop trying to pretend you understand me 'cause you don't, okay, pop star? The only thing you can do for me is to kiss my white-- Way to lose homecoming, tadpole.
I'm glad Caruso punched him, because it would have ruined our friendship if I had had to do it myself.
By the time homecoming night came around, even though Greg wouldn't talk to me, I probably couldn't hear him because my sweater was so loud.
That sweater looks stupid.
I would have a comeback, but unfortunately I agree.
Bet you a dollar she doesn't show up.
JULIUS: Tonya, she'll show up.
Chris, she doesn't show up, just give us a call.
We'll come get you.
Nothing like a parent's love to destroy your confidence.
Meanwhile, Drew learned you can't teach an old Doc new tricks.
Doc, what happened? I couldn't figure out why Chinese people put hot sauce next to peanut butter.
And your fortune inside a cookie.
So I changed everything back.
Money won't do me any good if I go crazy before I try to spend it.
So I said "Sayonara" to feng shui.
Sayonara isn't Chinese.
It's Japanese.
Hey, I just read this thing about this new Japanese food called "sushi.
" It's supposed to be the next big thing in America.
Maybe we could sell it here.
Sushi? Yeah, it's like raw fish wrapped in seaweed and rice.
That sounds as good as hamburger made out of turkey.
Do I have to tell you Doc went broke? ( George Michael's "Careless Whisper" playing in distance ) What the heck is that? "Careless Whisper.
" # But it's easy to pretend # # I know you're not a fool # # I should have known better Than to cheat a friend # # And waste the chance # Oh, my God.
What the hell? # So I'm never gonna Dance again # # The way I danced with you # Turn it off.
Sit down.
( shuts off stereo ) Didn't I tell you to leave my daughter alone? Look, I'm just trying to show her I like her.
She gets it.
But you can't make somebody like you back.
At least not without a lot of fame and money.
Between me and you, I ain't letting her go without a fight.
Are you talking about a fight for her or with me? Just tell her when she gets tired of Jason, I'm available.
I'll do that.
No, he won't.
While Tonya had an unwanted visitor at home, I had an unwanted visitor at homecoming.
Mom, what are you doing here? Greg's aunt called.
He never came home last night.
Do you have any idea of where he might be? I don't know.
You realize that if you don't take me to the dance, you'll never have a chance of going out with me again.
I know.
You know or you don't know? Huh? Chris, if you don't come find me right away, you know this can end badly for me.
I know.
Well, then come on.
What? Let's go get Greg.
You say you know where he is, right? Yeah.
You better hurry, man.
Why don't you leave him alone? You know he wants to go to the dance with me.
I really do.
Well, then come on.
He doesn't care about you.
He just met you.
He's known me for years.
I can't leave Greg hanging.
Ha.
Let's go, boy.
You're standing me up? I have to.
What? I'm on the edge, man.
Stop yelling at me.
Look, I don't care who's missing.
You holler at me like that one more time, you gonna come up missing.
I'm sorry.
You should be.
You better be.
Now come on.
Man, that scene put the "azy" in crazy.
( playing harmonica ) ( dogs howling ) How'd you know where to find me? I'm your best friend.
plus the Bronx Academy was the last place you were before everything went wrong.
Well, now that you found me, just leave me and let me rot.
Greg, I'm getting tired of your complaining.
I've been getting knocked down for years and you don't see me whining.
I just get up and dust myself off.
Of course you do, you're black.
You overcame slavery, lynchings and racism.
You know how to deal with suffering.
I'm a white guy, I'm supposed to have it easy.
Greg, right now, I'm standing up the most perfect girl in the world.
Her family is amazing.
They clapped when I entered.
They laughed at everything I said.
They gave me sweet potato pops.
They even gave me this sweater.
This sweater cost more than our car.
Her parents are a lawyer and a doctor.
Last time I saw a lawyer and a doctor together was when my uncle went to the hospital for a routine checkup and came out dead.
So if you don't get your harmonica-playing, hole-in-the-sock-wearing, woe-is-me, I-should-have- everything-easy behind up, I'm gonna smack the cracker out of you.
Oh, man, the dance.
You missed your date with Jenise to come and find me? Don't sweat it.
You would have done the same thing for me.
When the situation came up years later, he didn't.
The next day, I went to deliver the Huckstables an apology, but they had come to get it themselves.
What the? Ah-hah.
Now you know what it's like to come into your home and not believe what the eyes are seeing because your daughter is boo-hooing, shedding the tears.
Who the hell are you? I am Dr.
Clint Huckstable.
And I am the father of the daughter shedding all the tears because the son of the mother from Bed-Stuy stood her up at the Tattaglia-talia public school homecoming dance.
How did you get into my house? The crack baby let me in.
I'm not a crack baby.
I'm really sorry.
We just left your house, but-- What kind of parent would raise a boy that would make my future lawyer-daughter cry with all the tears? Now hold on.
If you're such a good parent, how come your retarded daughter flunked out of private school and had to go to Tatta-Tatta-Tattaglia public school? The point is You better say the right thing, because I swear I will slap the sweet potato pop out of you.
All I am saying is that my little girl had her feelings hurt.
You did? I had to even ask my father if I could transfer permanently.
I thought you were funny, cute, edgy, and cool.
You did? Yes.
But now I hate you.
All it took was one phone call.
Now give me back my sweater.
With pleasure.
Thank you, sporty.
Let's go.
Ma, aren't you gonna say anything? Well, you could've called.
# Everybody hates Chris # ( funky hip-hop theme playing ) # Oh, make it funky now #