King of the Hill s04e03 Episode Script
Bills Are Made to Be Broken
1 No time for losers 'Cause we are the .
.
Sports Jock.
And Chad.
We're back.
Now, don't tell me Sports Jock took Pickens over Kerney.
( chuckling ): Well, Chad if you don't want me to tell you, I won't tell you.
Change of subject.
( all chuckling ) Here's a topic for the Sports Jock: Arlen High's very own senior running back, Ricky Suggs.
SHH.
EVERYBODY DRINK QUIET.
Oh, yeah four touchdowns last night.
Now, I was at the Arroyo Diner and Ricky was the only thing anyone was talking about.
That is, except for the Arroyo's lime ambrosia.
Mmm, mmm.
I call that uptown good eating.
You know, if Ricky keeps up this pace he'll capture the career touchdown record which, I might add, has stood for over 20 years.
Well, it looks like we've got our Sports Jock and Chad question of the day.
Who currently holds that record-- and here's the tricky part-- what position did he play? Winner gets a Sports Jock T-shirt and dinner for two at the Arroyo.
YO, MAN, DANG OL' BILL DAUTERIVE.
MAN DANG OL' OFFENSIVE LINEMAN.
Bill: I DON'T WANT TO MISS I IF RICKY TIES MY RECORD.
I'M GOING TO THE LITTLE LINEMAN'S ROOM NOW.
Dale: THIS RECORD IS ALL BILL'S GOT.
SHOULD WE ROCK/PAPER/SCISSORS TO SEE WHO KEEPS HIM FROM KILLING HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM? WELL, HE SEEMS OKAY Announcer: Interception! WHO IS IT?! I'M OUT OF FOCUS! FOCUS ME, HANK! IT'S RICKY! HE'S GOING TO TAKE IT BACK ALL THE WAY! Bill: WHOO-HOO! THERE YOU GO, RICKY! RICKY! Announcer: That ties the record for career touchdowns currently held by class of '74's Bill Dauterive who's here in the stands tonight! Let's give them both a hand.
( cheering ) HEY.
YOU THE MAN! Hank: WELL, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BILL.
NOW, I'VE NEVER DONE A RADIO INTERVIEW BEFORE BUT HARDLY A WEEK GOES BY THAT I DON'T DO A TELEPHONE SURVEY ABOUT MY LONG DISTANCE SERVICE.
UH, BILL, I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE YOU NERVOUS BUT THIS IS THE SPORTS JOCK AND CHAD.
NAH, I JUST SEE IT LIKE TALKING TO SOME OLD FRIENDS.
EXCUSE ME.
( retching ) ( continues retching ) MAYBE I NEED A MINT.
( phone ringing ) OKAY, THIS IS IT.
HELLO, SPORTS JOCK.
HELLO, CHAD.
( electronic feedback ) Chad: Hey, hold on, we've got a little feedback here.
Is your radio on, Bill? SAY NO! SAY NO! Sports Jock: Hell, it would just tear me up if some young buck was about to get my record.
Some folks drink, but I find what's best for what ails me is to head on down to the Arroyo Diner for their delicious chicken-fried steak just sopping in cream gravy.
Mmm, that is uptown.
But let's get back to Bill.
I like the yam biscuits.
Uh, Bill, our listeners want to hear about your record.
OH, YEAH.
( clears throat ) IT WAS NINETEEN AND SEVENTY-FOUR AND WE WERE PLAYING THE WAHATCHEE COWBOYS.
THE BALL WAS ON THE THREE-YARD LINE WITH FIVE SECONDS LEFT.
WE NEEDED A TOUCHDOWN TO WIN AND THAT'S WHEN COACH CALLED FOR THE BILLDOZER! ( all imitating revving engine ) ( crowd cheering ) YEP, CHIPPED MY SPINE ON THAT PLAY.
Hank: WELL, LOOK AT BILL.
LUCKY DOG.
YOU KNOW, THE PRINCIPAL COMPED HIS TICKET.
ALMOST MAKES ME WISH SOME KID WOULD MAKE A RUN AT ONE OF MY RECORDS.
( chuckling ) EH, WON'T EVER HAPPEN.
Announcer: Ricky Suggs gets the handoff.
This could be it! Oh! What a hit! Suggs is down.
Hank: LOOKS LIKE IT'S HIS KNEE.
BOY, IF HE WASN'T PLAYING ON ST.
AUGUSTINE GRASS, I ( shudders ) I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
WINGO! HA-HA! FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WAS HAPPY ABOUT RICKY BEING HURT.
SHE SAID IT.
RICKY SUGGS, I WAS SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR INJURY.
TORN A.
C.
L.
-- YOU ARE LUCKY YOU ARE NOT A HORSE, YOUNG MAN.
DOCTORS SAY I'M OUT FOR THE SEASON.
OH, PLEASE.
WHAT DO DOCTORS KNOW? A DOCTOR TOLD ME I MIGHT NOT WALK AGAIN.
WELL, NOT ONLY AM I WALKING I HEAR HIS MARRIAGE HAS GONE SOUTH, TOO.
YEAH.
OKAY.
THAT'S THE ATTITUDE.
NOW, GET OVER THERE AND SPOT ME.
Chad: That Bennett boy's a hoss, all right and wait till he hits junior high.
Sports Jock: Oh, yeah, he can play football.
Sports Jock, this is not a rumor! Ricky Suggs! Back in action! This Friday! Funk & Wagnall! He'll be going for the touchdown record against Hentoff.
That kid is uptown all the way.
ONE WEEK AFTER A TORN A.
C.
L.
ONLY RICKY AND I KNOW HOW TOUGH IT IS TO GET THIS FAR.
HE WON'T LET ANYTHING STAND IN HIS WAY.
YUP, AND I REMEMBER HEMORRHAGE AND EMBOLISM, EVEN DETACHED RETINA.
IT SOUNDED SCARY, BUT WHEN YOU SMELL THE GOAL LINE THEY'RE ONLY WORDS.
JUST WORDS.
( slurping ) ( sighs ) Hank: LET'S GET MOVING.
WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A HURRY TO WITNESS BILL'S SOUL-SHATTERING COLLAPSE WHEN RICKY SUGGS CROSSES THAT GOAL LINE.
HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO DALE? BECAUSE HE'S SAYING THE SAME THING.
YOU BOTH THINK BILL WILL BE DEPRESSED.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I AM IMPRESSED WITH THE WAY BILL HAS HANDLED THIS WITH SPORTSMANSHIP AND DIGNITY.
Bobby: DOES THIS FINGER GO WITH THESE SHORT PANTS? YOU THE MAN! YOU THE MAN! I'M SORRY I GOT COTTON CANDY IN YOUR HAIR.
Announcer: And Arlen has a first and goal! Time-out for a substitution.
It's Ricky Suggs coming in to break the record for most career touchdowns! ( crowd cheering) Hank: WHAT A COMPETITOR.
WOW, LOOK AT HIM.
HE CAN BARELY WALK.
BOY, I TELL YOU WHAT-- IF THAT BOY DOESN'T MAKE IT IN THE NFL HE'S GOT A JOB AT STRICKLAND PROPANE.
PENDING MR.
STRICKLAND'S APPROVAL.
Crowd ( chanting ): RICKY! RICKY! RICKY! HUP.
HIKE.
THANKS.
( crowd cheering ) WHAT THE? NOBODY'S TRYING TO TACKLE HIM.
THEY'RE LETTING HIM SCORE.
WHA WHA WHA? Announcer: Ricky Suggs! The new touchdown record holder! Hey! Now they're carrying him in for the two-point conversion! Too much! MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOU ALL.
Announcer: Now that Ricky has broken the record Arlen will allow Hentoff to score a makeup touchdown.
I'D LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE WHO MADE THIS POSSIBLE-- MY COACH, GOD AND THE SCHOOL BOARD.
I ALSO WANT TO THANK MR.
DEEBATROVE FOR TAKING SUCH GOOD CARE OF THE TROPHY BALL.
WELL UH ( stammering unintelligibly ) YEP.
SAID, "YEP.
" BILL, THERE'S BEING A GOOD SPOR AND THERE'S JUST PLAIN BEING CHEATED.
I DON'T KNOW.
EVERYBODY SEEMED REAL HAPPY ABOUT RICKY BREAKING THE RECORD.
YO, MAN, IS DANG OL' 6:00 SHARP, MAN ON THE DANG OL' SPORTS JOCK AND CHAD.
COME ON, MAN.
Sports Jock: Now, don't go saying the Sports Jock should be fitted for a skirt and some of them pretty hoop earrings, but I got a tear in my eye last night watching Ricky break that record.
Chad: Mm-hmm.
WHAT?! THE SPORTS JOCK MAYBE, BUT CHAD? ( sighs ) COME ON.
ISN'T ANYONE GOING TO SAY WHAT WE ALL BETTER BE THINKING? IT'S AN OUTRAGE? THAT'S RIGHT, DALE.
I AM OUTRAGED! I REALLY AM.
OH.
BILL, IF WE FEEL THIS CHEATED I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW BAD YOU MUST FEEL.
OH, I FEEL BAD I COULDN'T HELP RICKY ACROSS THE LINE, OF COURSE.
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF YOU-YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER REALLY APPRECIATED MY RECORD TILL RICKY BROKE IT.
I THINK I'LL SEND HIM A THANK YOU NOTE.
YEAH.
NO, NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO? I'M GOING TO BAKE HIM SOME MUFFINS.
YEAH, SOME ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
( bell dings ) ( sighs ) WELL, I'LL STILL LISTEN TO THE TRAFFIC AND WEATHER REPORT AND THE FISHING REPOR BUT THAT'S IT.
I HAVE HAD IT WITH THE SPORTS JERK AND, UH CHAD.
HANK, FACTS ARE FACTS, AND THE FACT IS THAT BOY WOULD HAVE BLOWN THE OLD RECORD OUT OF THE WATER IF HE DIDN'T GET HURT.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO MAD, HANK.
IF THE FAT, BALD GUY WHO HAD THE RECORD DOESN'T CARE WHY SHOULD YOU? HIS NAME IS BILL.
YOU PLAYED ON HIS TEAM.
THAT WAS BILL? GOOD LORD.
MEGA-LO-SCREWS? HANK.
I COULDN'T GIVE THE HARDWARE STORE MY BUSINESS-- NOT WITH RICKY SUGGS FEVER INFECTING THE PLACE.
Luanne: 951 952 53.
HEY.
I'M SETTING A NEW WORLD'S RECORD.
WELL, THAT'S REAL GOOD, BOBBY BUT I THINK YOU HAVE TO START OVER WHEN YOU FALL OFF.
I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, DAD.
I'M NOT IN THE BEST SHAPE AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I'M GOING TO MAKE IT.
( panting ) NINE HUNDRED FIF UH WAIT.
HOW MANY WAS THAT? LET'S CALL I AN EVEN THOUSAND.
DANG IT, BOBBY, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU SET A RECORD.
OKAY.
ONE ( panting ) ONE! ( panting ) ONE ( gasping ) OH, FORGET IT.
THAT RICKY SUGGS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY LET HIM LIMP HIS WAY INTO THE RECORD BOOK.
MM.
POOR BILL.
HE WAS LIVING IN HIS PAST, AND THAT BOY HAS STOLEN IT.
WHERE IS BILL SUPPOSED TO LIVE NOW? MR.
CHAIRMAN, I WOULD LIKE TO RESPECTFULLY SUGGES THAT YOU PUT AN ASTERISK NEXT TO RICKY SUGGS' NAME IN THE RECORD BOOK, AND THAT ASTERISK SHOULD READ: "THIS RECORD WAS ATTAINED BY MEANS OF FRAUD AND BAD SPORTSMANSHIP.
" THANK YOU.
I DON'T AGREE WITH HIM.
THAT SUGGESTION IS DENIED, MR.
HILL.
RICKY SUGGS IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL.
NOW ON TO MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS-- MY MOTION TO ADD "FATTY-FATTY BOOMBALATTY" TO THE LIST OF UNACCEPTABLE HATE SPEECH.
REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO RUN WIND SPRINTS OUT HERE TILL WE COULDN'T STOP THROWING UP? MM-HMM.
WHEN WE WERE KINGS, HANK.
YOU OKAY? OH, SURE.
GOOD SPORT DOESN'T WHINE WHEN THINGS DON'T GO HIS WAY.
YEAH, BUT GOOD SPORTS PLAY BY THE RULES.
YOU DID.
THEY DIDN'T.
HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT TIME WE SNUCK INTO THE STADIUM AND MOWED THE WHOLE FIELD BEFORE THE GROUNDSKEEPER COULD? ( laughs ) THE LOOK ON HIS FACE RIGHT BEFORE WE APOLOGIZED! YEAH! WE WERE CRAZY.
I CAN THANK THE ARMY FOR STRAIGHTENING ME OUT.
YEAH.
YOU WERE A CHANGED MAN WHEN YOU CAME BACK.
OH, YEAH.
I MAY NOT HAVE MADE IT TO VIETNAM SINCE THE WAR ENDED RIGHT AFTER I VOLUNTEERED BUT BARBER SCHOOL AT FORT BRAGG BAPTISM BY FIRE, MY FRIEND.
YEAH.
IT'S TOO BAD YOU HAD TO SHIP OU BEFORE THE END OF OUR LAST SEASON.
WELL, THE COUNTRY NEEDED BARBERS AND I WAS FLUNKING TRIGONOMETRY.
HUH.
YOU WEREN'T AROUND AT GRADUATION.
OR SENIOR PROM.
( chuckles ) ( voice cracking ): WAS THERE DANCING? Hank: COACH WHAT HAPPENS IF A PLAYER GETS INJURED OR CAN'T FINISH HIS SEASON? WELL, WE "RED SHIRT" HIM AND THEN LET HIM MAKE UP THE GAMES THE NEXT SEASON.
WHAT IF HE'S OUT FOR A COUPLE OF SEASONS? WELL, AS LONG AS HE HASN'T GRADUATED HE KEEPS HIS ELIGIBILITY AND PLAYS THE NEXT SEASON.
WELL, WHAT IF HE'S OUT FOR 25 SEASONS? OH, HANK, FIND A PICKUP GAME.
I'M TALKING ABOUT WILLIAM FONTAINE DE LA TOUR DAUTERIVE.
THE BILLDOZER.
HE STILL HAS RED-SHIRT ELIGIBILITY.
HE DIDN'T FINISH HIS SENIOR SEASON AND YOU CAN PUT HIM IN FRIDAY'S GAME.
ARE YOU ASKING ME TO SLICE ANOTHER PIECE OF PHONY BALONEY LIKE I DID AT LAST WEEK'S GAME? NO, I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO FIX THE GAME.
I'M ASKING YOU TO FIX AN INJUSTICE.
JUST PUT BILL IN AND LET HIM GET HIS RECORD BACK FAIR AND SQUARE.
LET'S SHOW THOSE KIDS HOW WE USED TO PLAY FOOTBALL.
I'D HAVE TO CUT SOMEBODY UH YOU GOT THAT EXCHANGE STUDEN WHO KICKS BAREFOOT.
THINK WE'VE ALL HAD ENOUGH OF THAT.
I CAN PLAY AGAIN?! THANK GOD I NEVER GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL! HEY-- DO I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS, TOO? COME ON, BILL.
YOU'RE ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS.
MMM THERE IT IS.
MY OLD UNIFORM.
HAVEN'T WORN IT SINCE MY 30th BIRTHDAY PARTY.
SUIT UP, BILLDOZER.
( imitates engine growling ) HANK, HOW'D MY HEAD GET SO FAT? ( clears throat ) UH I DON'T KNOW, HANK.
I'M STILL AN ATHLETE.
I GOT MY PRIDE.
I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE OTHER TEAM JUST ROLLING OVER FOR ME.
WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT.
BELTON HAS THE TOUGHEST DEFENSIVE LINE IN THE DIVISION.
YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE FIRST STRING FLUNKED HISTORY LAST YEAR SO THEY COULD COME BACK AND GO TO STATE.
THEY'LL NEVER ROLL OVER.
OH GOOD.
BOBBY, SUCCESS ON THE FIELD DEPENDS ON HARD WORK OFF THE FIELD.
THAT'S WHY I RUN A TOUGH PRACTICE BUT A FUN PRACTICE.
NOW, WATCH THIS.
HEY, BILL, WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE? WHERE? ( chuckles ) MADE YA LOOK! OKAY.
LET'S HIT THE TACKLING SLED.
BOBBY, GO HELP BOOMHAUER.
GO, BILL! GO! GO! ( growls ) OKAY, BOBBY, START TAUNTING.
HEY, BATTER, BATTER, BATTER, SU WAIT NO.
COME ON, YA OL' TUB OF SLOP.
MOVE YOUR CAN! ( grunts and growls ) ( coughs ) OH, MAN.
THAT'S IT, HANK.
THIS BILLDOZER'S OUT OF GAS.
I CAN EITHER TRAIN, OR ( panting ) I CAN PLAY BUT I CAN'T DO BOTH.
ALL RIGHT.
HIT THE SHOWERS.
TOO TIRED.
I'LL GET THE HOSE.
WHEN I CROSSED THAT GOAL LINE AND SET THE RECORD I DIDN'T DO IT JUST FOR ME.
I DID IT FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.
I LOVE YOU, RICKY! I LOVE YOU, RICKY.
AND FOR EVERYONE HERE AT ARLEN HIGH.
( cheering ) EXCEPT FOR OLD MAN CRYBABY WHO'S PROBABLY GOING TO COST US THE GAME.
WHOA! OKAY, THANK YOU, RICKY.
Student 1: RICKY SUGGS! OKAY, NOW, SETTLE DOWN, CLASS OF AUGHT ONE.
WE HAVE A NEW ADDITION TO THE TEAM.
Student 2: BOO! Student 3: GET OFF! HEY! NOW, THIS GUY WAS SETTING FOOTBALL RECORDS BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
HE FOUGHT FOR YOUR FREEDOM IN NORTH CAROLINA DURING 'NAM.
I'M HONORED TO INTRODUCE THE BILLDOZER! ( silence ) ARLEN'S NUMBER ONE! ( feedback squealing ) HEY, WHERE'S THE PARTY TONIGHT? ANYONE'S PARENTS OUT OF TOWN? Player ( coughing ): LOSER! HEY, MY PARENTS AREN'T EVEN ALIVE! PARTY AT MY PLACE! ( laughing ): YEAH! ( silence ) 'KAY.
Coach: OKAY, EVERYBODY.
HUDDLE UP.
ARLEN HIGH, WE HONOR THEE THE LEGACY OF BRAVERY OH, COME ON, GUYS.
TOO COOL TO SING THE SCHOOL SONG? WE CHANGED IT BACK IN '97.
IT'S "CANDLE IN THE WIND" NOW.
OH MARILYN MONROE, OR ENGLAND'S ROSE? LET'S SEE SOME BLOCKING NOW.
( whistle blows ) HIKE! Announcer: Arlen to punt the ball.
IF WE COULD JUST GET INTO SCORING POSITION WE'D GET TO SEE BILL PUT IN THE GAME.
DON'T HAVE A HEART ATTACK, MISTER.
ASPIRIN THIS MORNING, RED WINE LAST NIGHT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
( wild cheering ) FUMBLE-AYA! SURE IS, BOBBY, AND ARLEN'S IN SCORING POSITION.
Coach: OKAY, BILL.
WE MAY NOT HAVE THEIR YOUTH OR SPEED OR PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS BUT WE GOT SOMETHING THEY DON'T GUTS.
NOW, GO OUT THERE AND GET US A TOUCHDOWN, BILLDOZER! ( imitates engine growling ) I GUESS WE'RE GIVING IT TO MR.
DAUTERIVE.
JUST DON'T STEP ON ME.
Now in the backfield for Arlen bringing the number 72 out of retirement Army Sergeant Barber Bill "The Billdozer" Dauterive! ( imitating engine growling ) HEY, THAT'S THE BILLDOZER GROWL.
AND I THINK THAT'S THE BILLDOZER.
DOWN SET SET HIKE! HIKE! ( pop ) ( pop ) ( all growling ) ( pop ) ( grunts ) I'M OPEN, I'M OPEN! NO.
( growling and grunting ) Hank: TOUCHDOWN! NO FAIR! ASTERISK! ASTERISK! WAY TO GO, MR.
DAUTERIVE! MY DAD SAID YOU WERE GOOD! YOU DID IT, BILL! WAY TO GO! I SCORED FOR ARLEN? YEP, AND YOU TIED THE RECORD.
THERE'S STILL TIME ON THE CLOCK.
IF ARLEN GETS THE BALL AGAIN YOU CAN GET THE RECORD BACK.
( groans ) WHEN RICKY TIED MY RECORD, HE DID IT FAIR AND SQUARE.
I AM HONORED TO SHARE IT WITH HIM.
( groans ) BESIDES, I CAN'T GET UP.
THANK YOU, HANK.
I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT YOU.
NO, SIR.
YOU THE MAN.
NO-OH.
YOU THE MAN.
I CAN'T POINT, HANK.
THAT'S OKAY.
DON'T LOOK DOWN AT YOUR LEG.
Sports Jock: Oh, it'll be a battle, all right.
Chad: You know St.
Margaret's wants revenge for that butt-whupping they got served up last year.
You know, their coach should have Dauterive give them their halftime speech.
I never seen anything like him.
Heart like a lion.
Old time football.
Shoot, I thought he was dead when they wheeled him off the field but then just two hours later he was eating the jalapeno corn bread at the Arroyo Diner.
That man is uptown! No doubt about it.
.
Sports Jock.
And Chad.
We're back.
Now, don't tell me Sports Jock took Pickens over Kerney.
( chuckling ): Well, Chad if you don't want me to tell you, I won't tell you.
Change of subject.
( all chuckling ) Here's a topic for the Sports Jock: Arlen High's very own senior running back, Ricky Suggs.
SHH.
EVERYBODY DRINK QUIET.
Oh, yeah four touchdowns last night.
Now, I was at the Arroyo Diner and Ricky was the only thing anyone was talking about.
That is, except for the Arroyo's lime ambrosia.
Mmm, mmm.
I call that uptown good eating.
You know, if Ricky keeps up this pace he'll capture the career touchdown record which, I might add, has stood for over 20 years.
Well, it looks like we've got our Sports Jock and Chad question of the day.
Who currently holds that record-- and here's the tricky part-- what position did he play? Winner gets a Sports Jock T-shirt and dinner for two at the Arroyo.
YO, MAN, DANG OL' BILL DAUTERIVE.
MAN DANG OL' OFFENSIVE LINEMAN.
Bill: I DON'T WANT TO MISS I IF RICKY TIES MY RECORD.
I'M GOING TO THE LITTLE LINEMAN'S ROOM NOW.
Dale: THIS RECORD IS ALL BILL'S GOT.
SHOULD WE ROCK/PAPER/SCISSORS TO SEE WHO KEEPS HIM FROM KILLING HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM? WELL, HE SEEMS OKAY Announcer: Interception! WHO IS IT?! I'M OUT OF FOCUS! FOCUS ME, HANK! IT'S RICKY! HE'S GOING TO TAKE IT BACK ALL THE WAY! Bill: WHOO-HOO! THERE YOU GO, RICKY! RICKY! Announcer: That ties the record for career touchdowns currently held by class of '74's Bill Dauterive who's here in the stands tonight! Let's give them both a hand.
( cheering ) HEY.
YOU THE MAN! Hank: WELL, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BILL.
NOW, I'VE NEVER DONE A RADIO INTERVIEW BEFORE BUT HARDLY A WEEK GOES BY THAT I DON'T DO A TELEPHONE SURVEY ABOUT MY LONG DISTANCE SERVICE.
UH, BILL, I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE YOU NERVOUS BUT THIS IS THE SPORTS JOCK AND CHAD.
NAH, I JUST SEE IT LIKE TALKING TO SOME OLD FRIENDS.
EXCUSE ME.
( retching ) ( continues retching ) MAYBE I NEED A MINT.
( phone ringing ) OKAY, THIS IS IT.
HELLO, SPORTS JOCK.
HELLO, CHAD.
( electronic feedback ) Chad: Hey, hold on, we've got a little feedback here.
Is your radio on, Bill? SAY NO! SAY NO! Sports Jock: Hell, it would just tear me up if some young buck was about to get my record.
Some folks drink, but I find what's best for what ails me is to head on down to the Arroyo Diner for their delicious chicken-fried steak just sopping in cream gravy.
Mmm, that is uptown.
But let's get back to Bill.
I like the yam biscuits.
Uh, Bill, our listeners want to hear about your record.
OH, YEAH.
( clears throat ) IT WAS NINETEEN AND SEVENTY-FOUR AND WE WERE PLAYING THE WAHATCHEE COWBOYS.
THE BALL WAS ON THE THREE-YARD LINE WITH FIVE SECONDS LEFT.
WE NEEDED A TOUCHDOWN TO WIN AND THAT'S WHEN COACH CALLED FOR THE BILLDOZER! ( all imitating revving engine ) ( crowd cheering ) YEP, CHIPPED MY SPINE ON THAT PLAY.
Hank: WELL, LOOK AT BILL.
LUCKY DOG.
YOU KNOW, THE PRINCIPAL COMPED HIS TICKET.
ALMOST MAKES ME WISH SOME KID WOULD MAKE A RUN AT ONE OF MY RECORDS.
( chuckling ) EH, WON'T EVER HAPPEN.
Announcer: Ricky Suggs gets the handoff.
This could be it! Oh! What a hit! Suggs is down.
Hank: LOOKS LIKE IT'S HIS KNEE.
BOY, IF HE WASN'T PLAYING ON ST.
AUGUSTINE GRASS, I ( shudders ) I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
WINGO! HA-HA! FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WAS HAPPY ABOUT RICKY BEING HURT.
SHE SAID IT.
RICKY SUGGS, I WAS SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR INJURY.
TORN A.
C.
L.
-- YOU ARE LUCKY YOU ARE NOT A HORSE, YOUNG MAN.
DOCTORS SAY I'M OUT FOR THE SEASON.
OH, PLEASE.
WHAT DO DOCTORS KNOW? A DOCTOR TOLD ME I MIGHT NOT WALK AGAIN.
WELL, NOT ONLY AM I WALKING I HEAR HIS MARRIAGE HAS GONE SOUTH, TOO.
YEAH.
OKAY.
THAT'S THE ATTITUDE.
NOW, GET OVER THERE AND SPOT ME.
Chad: That Bennett boy's a hoss, all right and wait till he hits junior high.
Sports Jock: Oh, yeah, he can play football.
Sports Jock, this is not a rumor! Ricky Suggs! Back in action! This Friday! Funk & Wagnall! He'll be going for the touchdown record against Hentoff.
That kid is uptown all the way.
ONE WEEK AFTER A TORN A.
C.
L.
ONLY RICKY AND I KNOW HOW TOUGH IT IS TO GET THIS FAR.
HE WON'T LET ANYTHING STAND IN HIS WAY.
YUP, AND I REMEMBER HEMORRHAGE AND EMBOLISM, EVEN DETACHED RETINA.
IT SOUNDED SCARY, BUT WHEN YOU SMELL THE GOAL LINE THEY'RE ONLY WORDS.
JUST WORDS.
( slurping ) ( sighs ) Hank: LET'S GET MOVING.
WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A HURRY TO WITNESS BILL'S SOUL-SHATTERING COLLAPSE WHEN RICKY SUGGS CROSSES THAT GOAL LINE.
HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO DALE? BECAUSE HE'S SAYING THE SAME THING.
YOU BOTH THINK BILL WILL BE DEPRESSED.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I AM IMPRESSED WITH THE WAY BILL HAS HANDLED THIS WITH SPORTSMANSHIP AND DIGNITY.
Bobby: DOES THIS FINGER GO WITH THESE SHORT PANTS? YOU THE MAN! YOU THE MAN! I'M SORRY I GOT COTTON CANDY IN YOUR HAIR.
Announcer: And Arlen has a first and goal! Time-out for a substitution.
It's Ricky Suggs coming in to break the record for most career touchdowns! ( crowd cheering) Hank: WHAT A COMPETITOR.
WOW, LOOK AT HIM.
HE CAN BARELY WALK.
BOY, I TELL YOU WHAT-- IF THAT BOY DOESN'T MAKE IT IN THE NFL HE'S GOT A JOB AT STRICKLAND PROPANE.
PENDING MR.
STRICKLAND'S APPROVAL.
Crowd ( chanting ): RICKY! RICKY! RICKY! HUP.
HIKE.
THANKS.
( crowd cheering ) WHAT THE? NOBODY'S TRYING TO TACKLE HIM.
THEY'RE LETTING HIM SCORE.
WHA WHA WHA? Announcer: Ricky Suggs! The new touchdown record holder! Hey! Now they're carrying him in for the two-point conversion! Too much! MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOU ALL.
Announcer: Now that Ricky has broken the record Arlen will allow Hentoff to score a makeup touchdown.
I'D LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE WHO MADE THIS POSSIBLE-- MY COACH, GOD AND THE SCHOOL BOARD.
I ALSO WANT TO THANK MR.
DEEBATROVE FOR TAKING SUCH GOOD CARE OF THE TROPHY BALL.
WELL UH ( stammering unintelligibly ) YEP.
SAID, "YEP.
" BILL, THERE'S BEING A GOOD SPOR AND THERE'S JUST PLAIN BEING CHEATED.
I DON'T KNOW.
EVERYBODY SEEMED REAL HAPPY ABOUT RICKY BREAKING THE RECORD.
YO, MAN, IS DANG OL' 6:00 SHARP, MAN ON THE DANG OL' SPORTS JOCK AND CHAD.
COME ON, MAN.
Sports Jock: Now, don't go saying the Sports Jock should be fitted for a skirt and some of them pretty hoop earrings, but I got a tear in my eye last night watching Ricky break that record.
Chad: Mm-hmm.
WHAT?! THE SPORTS JOCK MAYBE, BUT CHAD? ( sighs ) COME ON.
ISN'T ANYONE GOING TO SAY WHAT WE ALL BETTER BE THINKING? IT'S AN OUTRAGE? THAT'S RIGHT, DALE.
I AM OUTRAGED! I REALLY AM.
OH.
BILL, IF WE FEEL THIS CHEATED I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW BAD YOU MUST FEEL.
OH, I FEEL BAD I COULDN'T HELP RICKY ACROSS THE LINE, OF COURSE.
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF YOU-YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER REALLY APPRECIATED MY RECORD TILL RICKY BROKE IT.
I THINK I'LL SEND HIM A THANK YOU NOTE.
YEAH.
NO, NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO? I'M GOING TO BAKE HIM SOME MUFFINS.
YEAH, SOME ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
( bell dings ) ( sighs ) WELL, I'LL STILL LISTEN TO THE TRAFFIC AND WEATHER REPORT AND THE FISHING REPOR BUT THAT'S IT.
I HAVE HAD IT WITH THE SPORTS JERK AND, UH CHAD.
HANK, FACTS ARE FACTS, AND THE FACT IS THAT BOY WOULD HAVE BLOWN THE OLD RECORD OUT OF THE WATER IF HE DIDN'T GET HURT.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO MAD, HANK.
IF THE FAT, BALD GUY WHO HAD THE RECORD DOESN'T CARE WHY SHOULD YOU? HIS NAME IS BILL.
YOU PLAYED ON HIS TEAM.
THAT WAS BILL? GOOD LORD.
MEGA-LO-SCREWS? HANK.
I COULDN'T GIVE THE HARDWARE STORE MY BUSINESS-- NOT WITH RICKY SUGGS FEVER INFECTING THE PLACE.
Luanne: 951 952 53.
HEY.
I'M SETTING A NEW WORLD'S RECORD.
WELL, THAT'S REAL GOOD, BOBBY BUT I THINK YOU HAVE TO START OVER WHEN YOU FALL OFF.
I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, DAD.
I'M NOT IN THE BEST SHAPE AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I'M GOING TO MAKE IT.
( panting ) NINE HUNDRED FIF UH WAIT.
HOW MANY WAS THAT? LET'S CALL I AN EVEN THOUSAND.
DANG IT, BOBBY, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU SET A RECORD.
OKAY.
ONE ( panting ) ONE! ( panting ) ONE ( gasping ) OH, FORGET IT.
THAT RICKY SUGGS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY LET HIM LIMP HIS WAY INTO THE RECORD BOOK.
MM.
POOR BILL.
HE WAS LIVING IN HIS PAST, AND THAT BOY HAS STOLEN IT.
WHERE IS BILL SUPPOSED TO LIVE NOW? MR.
CHAIRMAN, I WOULD LIKE TO RESPECTFULLY SUGGES THAT YOU PUT AN ASTERISK NEXT TO RICKY SUGGS' NAME IN THE RECORD BOOK, AND THAT ASTERISK SHOULD READ: "THIS RECORD WAS ATTAINED BY MEANS OF FRAUD AND BAD SPORTSMANSHIP.
" THANK YOU.
I DON'T AGREE WITH HIM.
THAT SUGGESTION IS DENIED, MR.
HILL.
RICKY SUGGS IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL.
NOW ON TO MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS-- MY MOTION TO ADD "FATTY-FATTY BOOMBALATTY" TO THE LIST OF UNACCEPTABLE HATE SPEECH.
REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO RUN WIND SPRINTS OUT HERE TILL WE COULDN'T STOP THROWING UP? MM-HMM.
WHEN WE WERE KINGS, HANK.
YOU OKAY? OH, SURE.
GOOD SPORT DOESN'T WHINE WHEN THINGS DON'T GO HIS WAY.
YEAH, BUT GOOD SPORTS PLAY BY THE RULES.
YOU DID.
THEY DIDN'T.
HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT TIME WE SNUCK INTO THE STADIUM AND MOWED THE WHOLE FIELD BEFORE THE GROUNDSKEEPER COULD? ( laughs ) THE LOOK ON HIS FACE RIGHT BEFORE WE APOLOGIZED! YEAH! WE WERE CRAZY.
I CAN THANK THE ARMY FOR STRAIGHTENING ME OUT.
YEAH.
YOU WERE A CHANGED MAN WHEN YOU CAME BACK.
OH, YEAH.
I MAY NOT HAVE MADE IT TO VIETNAM SINCE THE WAR ENDED RIGHT AFTER I VOLUNTEERED BUT BARBER SCHOOL AT FORT BRAGG BAPTISM BY FIRE, MY FRIEND.
YEAH.
IT'S TOO BAD YOU HAD TO SHIP OU BEFORE THE END OF OUR LAST SEASON.
WELL, THE COUNTRY NEEDED BARBERS AND I WAS FLUNKING TRIGONOMETRY.
HUH.
YOU WEREN'T AROUND AT GRADUATION.
OR SENIOR PROM.
( chuckles ) ( voice cracking ): WAS THERE DANCING? Hank: COACH WHAT HAPPENS IF A PLAYER GETS INJURED OR CAN'T FINISH HIS SEASON? WELL, WE "RED SHIRT" HIM AND THEN LET HIM MAKE UP THE GAMES THE NEXT SEASON.
WHAT IF HE'S OUT FOR A COUPLE OF SEASONS? WELL, AS LONG AS HE HASN'T GRADUATED HE KEEPS HIS ELIGIBILITY AND PLAYS THE NEXT SEASON.
WELL, WHAT IF HE'S OUT FOR 25 SEASONS? OH, HANK, FIND A PICKUP GAME.
I'M TALKING ABOUT WILLIAM FONTAINE DE LA TOUR DAUTERIVE.
THE BILLDOZER.
HE STILL HAS RED-SHIRT ELIGIBILITY.
HE DIDN'T FINISH HIS SENIOR SEASON AND YOU CAN PUT HIM IN FRIDAY'S GAME.
ARE YOU ASKING ME TO SLICE ANOTHER PIECE OF PHONY BALONEY LIKE I DID AT LAST WEEK'S GAME? NO, I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO FIX THE GAME.
I'M ASKING YOU TO FIX AN INJUSTICE.
JUST PUT BILL IN AND LET HIM GET HIS RECORD BACK FAIR AND SQUARE.
LET'S SHOW THOSE KIDS HOW WE USED TO PLAY FOOTBALL.
I'D HAVE TO CUT SOMEBODY UH YOU GOT THAT EXCHANGE STUDEN WHO KICKS BAREFOOT.
THINK WE'VE ALL HAD ENOUGH OF THAT.
I CAN PLAY AGAIN?! THANK GOD I NEVER GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL! HEY-- DO I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS, TOO? COME ON, BILL.
YOU'RE ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS.
MMM THERE IT IS.
MY OLD UNIFORM.
HAVEN'T WORN IT SINCE MY 30th BIRTHDAY PARTY.
SUIT UP, BILLDOZER.
( imitates engine growling ) HANK, HOW'D MY HEAD GET SO FAT? ( clears throat ) UH I DON'T KNOW, HANK.
I'M STILL AN ATHLETE.
I GOT MY PRIDE.
I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE OTHER TEAM JUST ROLLING OVER FOR ME.
WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT.
BELTON HAS THE TOUGHEST DEFENSIVE LINE IN THE DIVISION.
YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE FIRST STRING FLUNKED HISTORY LAST YEAR SO THEY COULD COME BACK AND GO TO STATE.
THEY'LL NEVER ROLL OVER.
OH GOOD.
BOBBY, SUCCESS ON THE FIELD DEPENDS ON HARD WORK OFF THE FIELD.
THAT'S WHY I RUN A TOUGH PRACTICE BUT A FUN PRACTICE.
NOW, WATCH THIS.
HEY, BILL, WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE? WHERE? ( chuckles ) MADE YA LOOK! OKAY.
LET'S HIT THE TACKLING SLED.
BOBBY, GO HELP BOOMHAUER.
GO, BILL! GO! GO! ( growls ) OKAY, BOBBY, START TAUNTING.
HEY, BATTER, BATTER, BATTER, SU WAIT NO.
COME ON, YA OL' TUB OF SLOP.
MOVE YOUR CAN! ( grunts and growls ) ( coughs ) OH, MAN.
THAT'S IT, HANK.
THIS BILLDOZER'S OUT OF GAS.
I CAN EITHER TRAIN, OR ( panting ) I CAN PLAY BUT I CAN'T DO BOTH.
ALL RIGHT.
HIT THE SHOWERS.
TOO TIRED.
I'LL GET THE HOSE.
WHEN I CROSSED THAT GOAL LINE AND SET THE RECORD I DIDN'T DO IT JUST FOR ME.
I DID IT FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.
I LOVE YOU, RICKY! I LOVE YOU, RICKY.
AND FOR EVERYONE HERE AT ARLEN HIGH.
( cheering ) EXCEPT FOR OLD MAN CRYBABY WHO'S PROBABLY GOING TO COST US THE GAME.
WHOA! OKAY, THANK YOU, RICKY.
Student 1: RICKY SUGGS! OKAY, NOW, SETTLE DOWN, CLASS OF AUGHT ONE.
WE HAVE A NEW ADDITION TO THE TEAM.
Student 2: BOO! Student 3: GET OFF! HEY! NOW, THIS GUY WAS SETTING FOOTBALL RECORDS BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
HE FOUGHT FOR YOUR FREEDOM IN NORTH CAROLINA DURING 'NAM.
I'M HONORED TO INTRODUCE THE BILLDOZER! ( silence ) ARLEN'S NUMBER ONE! ( feedback squealing ) HEY, WHERE'S THE PARTY TONIGHT? ANYONE'S PARENTS OUT OF TOWN? Player ( coughing ): LOSER! HEY, MY PARENTS AREN'T EVEN ALIVE! PARTY AT MY PLACE! ( laughing ): YEAH! ( silence ) 'KAY.
Coach: OKAY, EVERYBODY.
HUDDLE UP.
ARLEN HIGH, WE HONOR THEE THE LEGACY OF BRAVERY OH, COME ON, GUYS.
TOO COOL TO SING THE SCHOOL SONG? WE CHANGED IT BACK IN '97.
IT'S "CANDLE IN THE WIND" NOW.
OH MARILYN MONROE, OR ENGLAND'S ROSE? LET'S SEE SOME BLOCKING NOW.
( whistle blows ) HIKE! Announcer: Arlen to punt the ball.
IF WE COULD JUST GET INTO SCORING POSITION WE'D GET TO SEE BILL PUT IN THE GAME.
DON'T HAVE A HEART ATTACK, MISTER.
ASPIRIN THIS MORNING, RED WINE LAST NIGHT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
( wild cheering ) FUMBLE-AYA! SURE IS, BOBBY, AND ARLEN'S IN SCORING POSITION.
Coach: OKAY, BILL.
WE MAY NOT HAVE THEIR YOUTH OR SPEED OR PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS BUT WE GOT SOMETHING THEY DON'T GUTS.
NOW, GO OUT THERE AND GET US A TOUCHDOWN, BILLDOZER! ( imitates engine growling ) I GUESS WE'RE GIVING IT TO MR.
DAUTERIVE.
JUST DON'T STEP ON ME.
Now in the backfield for Arlen bringing the number 72 out of retirement Army Sergeant Barber Bill "The Billdozer" Dauterive! ( imitating engine growling ) HEY, THAT'S THE BILLDOZER GROWL.
AND I THINK THAT'S THE BILLDOZER.
DOWN SET SET HIKE! HIKE! ( pop ) ( pop ) ( all growling ) ( pop ) ( grunts ) I'M OPEN, I'M OPEN! NO.
( growling and grunting ) Hank: TOUCHDOWN! NO FAIR! ASTERISK! ASTERISK! WAY TO GO, MR.
DAUTERIVE! MY DAD SAID YOU WERE GOOD! YOU DID IT, BILL! WAY TO GO! I SCORED FOR ARLEN? YEP, AND YOU TIED THE RECORD.
THERE'S STILL TIME ON THE CLOCK.
IF ARLEN GETS THE BALL AGAIN YOU CAN GET THE RECORD BACK.
( groans ) WHEN RICKY TIED MY RECORD, HE DID IT FAIR AND SQUARE.
I AM HONORED TO SHARE IT WITH HIM.
( groans ) BESIDES, I CAN'T GET UP.
THANK YOU, HANK.
I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT YOU.
NO, SIR.
YOU THE MAN.
NO-OH.
YOU THE MAN.
I CAN'T POINT, HANK.
THAT'S OKAY.
DON'T LOOK DOWN AT YOUR LEG.
Sports Jock: Oh, it'll be a battle, all right.
Chad: You know St.
Margaret's wants revenge for that butt-whupping they got served up last year.
You know, their coach should have Dauterive give them their halftime speech.
I never seen anything like him.
Heart like a lion.
Old time football.
Shoot, I thought he was dead when they wheeled him off the field but then just two hours later he was eating the jalapeno corn bread at the Arroyo Diner.
That man is uptown! No doubt about it.