QI (2003) s04e03 Episode Script
Dogs
Well, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, for another tentative sniff at the enormous bottom of knowledge.
And rubbing up against my leg this evening are Jeremy Clarkson .
.
.
Good evening.
Thank you.
Neil Mullarkey .
.
.
Liza Tarbuck .
.
.
and Alan Davies.
Well, tonight's show is all about dogs, and the buzzers are absolutely barking.
Neil goes: Liza goes: Aw.
Jeremy goes: And Alan goes: So, it's very much a doggy evening, and my first question is: Why are cats comparatively comparable, whereas dogs are distinctly different? Cats mating .
.
.
It can be quite an exclusive little gang, whereas dogs, they can run riot, so you could have a Great Dane with a Chihuahua.
It's a nice image.
Erm .
.
.
It would involve a stepladder.
Or a ditch.
Is it DNA, because, er, cats have very similar DNA, whereas some dogs are more like horses, so a Dalmatian is nearer a zebra than .
.
.
than a Great Dane, and, er, most dogs can are horses, really, or some are crocodiles and, er, some are giraffes.
Whereas all cats are cats.
Well, we're sort of along the right lines, inasmuch as you've mentioned a Great Dane.
Dogs can have as wide a spectrum of breed as a St Bernard, a Newfoundland, a Great Dane and a Chihuahua, or a Mexican hairless.
Cats are almost all, more or less, the same.
What, tigers, Manx cats, pumas, tigers .
.
.
No, no, no, no.
They're different species, the lions and the tigers and so on.
No matter how much you breed cats, you will not get the variation you do in dogs.
Dogs are unique in all animal species.
Horses and cats have been bred as much as dogs over human history, but there just isn't the variety.
And nobody knows why dogs have this extraordinary variety.
There's a huge amount of horses.
- There are a lot of them, yes, but they all .
.
.
- I .
.
.
No, they're all-- But the point is, they're not as physically distinct from each other as different breeds of dog are one from the other.
There is no animal that has-- Fish.
--in one species .
.
.
- Fish are all different.
- No, those are all species of fish.
- Fish are hugely different, it's a good point.
- Exactly, there's tiny fish and .
.
.
- Neon tetra.
- No, but they're all different species, they can't .
.
.
- Christ, there's a shark! Oh no it isn't, it's a neon tetra.
- A shark can't mate with a guppy.
You need a stepladder or a ditch.
It might be able to shag one, but the point is, the egg won't be fertilised.
Just hang your shark in the aquarium, so just his genitals are in there, and then try and lure your guppy over.
Can I .
.
.
This actually is a question I can ask here, is: Do dogs, when they start off, in the .
.
.
in the doggy position-- --I was told the other day that they swivel and end up bottom to bottom.
Is that true? I'm .
.
.
I'm going to come to this question now, I've actually provided you each with a pair of dogs for you to demonstrate to me how you think dogs mate.
I'm going to start with Neil.
Neil, can you bring out your dogs? "Nice party, isn't it?" "How about dinner later?" "All right.
" Erm .
.
.
There we are.
My dog has actually got a boyfriend who is a basset, and that's what he does.
And what was your theory, there? My question is .
.
.
This .
.
.
This.
That.
Do they then turn and wind up like this, some dogs? - Depends what's on telly.
- What do you think? Whoa, Alan! Oops .
.
.
Oh my .
.
.
Aww.
What I'm going to do there is I'm going to give points to Jeremy, because the fact is, it is arse-to-arse, as it were.
The male lifts a leg and swings it over the female's back while turning round, so it's a little like a dance there, and it's turned round so they are now back-to-back.
They stand with their hind ends touching and the penis locked inside the vagina while ejaculation occurs, which is nice.
Virgin dogs can become quite distressed because they find themselves often unable to separate during their first copulation.
They get stuck 'cause they can't disengorge; they have to think about John Prescott or something very, very, erm .
.
.
and then they'll go down.
We've got a labradoodle now.
Have you? Yeah.
Graham Norton's got one as well.
You have the same dog as Graham Norton? - Yeah.
- Wow.
Does he .
.
.
Flirting will get you nowhere, Stephen! No, I'm re-thinking you in all kinds of ways.
Erm .
.
.
There's, there is, there is a blend of a poodle with a Yorkshire terrier, who's .
.
.
What are you doing? Very nice! - It says cats are stupid.
- Cats are stupid.
- And they give you asthma.
- They .
.
.
Yes, they do.
They make us sneeze.
- They do give you asthma, which is why I practice my drop-kicks on them.
You love getting letters, don't you? No .
.
.
There is .
.
.
There is .
.
.
There is a blend of Yorkshire Terrier and Poodle.
And if anyone sees the owner of such a thing, you have to kill them, because they've called it a "Yorkipoo".
- What's your stance on dogs having clothes on? - Oh, fuck off.
Not you! No.
I mean, awful.
Talking of John Prescott, have you seen this dog? Oh, my God, it really is.
Unbelievable! Erm, you're absolutely right about doggie-style.
Doggie-style .
.
.
They do, of course, mount each other in that fashion that we call doggie-style, but very rarely does ejaculation take place.
So, let's put our dogs away now, if we may, please.
Thank you, children.
Erm .
.
.
Goodbye, Bruno.
Say bye-bye.
So, what's the most interesting thing a dog can smell? - Yes, Neil? - A dog's dinner.
Yes.
To a dog that is the most interesting thing a dog can smell.
Or another dog's bottom.
Yeah, oh.
Oh, there you are! Oh! No.
My crotch.
They all do! They do.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Can you blame them? They're only flesh and blood.
Erm, this is really interesting because it's terribly touching, really, that they can smell this, and-- Cancer.
-It's cancer, you're absolutely right.
- No, really? Yeah.
There was a woman who .
.
.
Her dog kept pawing at her leg and she had nothing on her leg that was peculiar, just a normal number of moles, but it was only interested in one of the moles, and when she wore shorts, it tried to nip it.
And so she went to the doctor and the doctor found that this was a malignant melanoma.
Had it taken out.
And doctors have found that dogs can smell bladder cancer, lung cancer .
.
.
Ninety nine percent, erm, efficiency rate at smelling it on people's breath, lung cancer.
Quite extraordinary.
We have something like fifty million of these olfactory cells up here and they have two hundred and twenty-odd million.
But their sense of smell is infinitely better than that; it's not just two hundred and twenty-odd times better: it's thousands of times better.
We have machines that can smell a part in a billion, which are fantastically sensitive and complex.
Dogs can smell one part in a quadrillion.
I'm worried about this dog.
Has it been nailed? It can smell my crotch, from wherever it is.
We all can.
I'm sorry.
It is.
Yeah.
Erm, how can you tell the difference between a Scouse dog, for example, and a Scottish dog? How could you tell a Scot from a Liverpudlian when you met them? Accent.
"Accent" is the right answer.
Oh, don't tell me that.
Apparently, there's been a lot of research by the Canine Behaviour Centre in Cumbria, and you're going to possibly snort with derision when I tell you this, but owners and dogs left messages on the Centre's answering machine.
Experts then compared the pitch, tone, volume, and length of the sounds made by human and dog.
And they found that the Scouse and Scotch dogs had the most distinctive accents.
The Scouse dogs have higher pitched voices than their equivalents .
.
.
I saw the other day that somebody's worked out that dolphins give one another names.
They just don't! A dolphin says: "Oh, she's calling him Peter.
" He fucking isn't! So you really don't believe this, do you? No.
I believe it, yeah.
Thank you.
They go, "Woof woof: All right.
" Or, "Woof woof: Och aye the noo!" So they're pretty stereotyped accents, aren't they? Well, of course it makes sense; I mean, a dog does imitate the behaviour of the pack it's in; in other words, the family or the owner.
So, er, for example, terriers that live with families with children become very manic and the same breed of terrier, indeed from the same family, if it's with an old lady, will start shuffling along looking forlorn way before its time.
Do they smell of wee? Do they say how old they are? "I'm seven, you know.
" Do they say that? Possibly they do.
"I'm eight next year.
" So, still dog related, what kind of dog lays eggs? Dogfish.
--is the right answer.
That simple.
Exactly.
And what sort of fish is a dogfish? - It's a catfish.
- It's a shark.
It's a shark is right, Liza, absolutely.
You get some points for that.
It is a type of shark, yeah.
And the sea dog, this here, this marvellous whale shark-- That's the biggest fish in the world.
And it's a fish.
It is.
You get a point for knowing that.
It is actually around about 100 times the size of the average dogfish.
That's about-- That's a Napoleon wrasse underneath it.
Well spotted.
Have you ever come across one of these? You can feed them a hard-boiled egg, the Napoleon wrasse, and they'll eat it, and all the shell comes out the gills.
People often think that sharks have to swim all the time, in order not to sink to the bottom.
I love people who say that.
"I'm like a shark, me; I have to keep moving.
" - Yeah, exactly, it's that .
.
.
- They do say that.
- Yeah, they do.
"I like to keep moving; I get bored; I'd go out of my mind; I have to keep moving; I'm like a shark.
" There are circumstances in which they don't have to; they can just get currents coming in, but they have to have water - moving through their gills.
- When they go to the pictures, for example.
They don't keep moving then.
The largest egg ever laid was laid by the whale shark, and they're called a mermaid's purse.
Sharks used to be called sea dogs, and small sharks still are called dogfish, as we've discussed.
But what's the German for "sausage dog"? Dachshund.
Dachshund.
Oh, dear, no.
No, oddly enough it is a German word and it means .
.
.
Anyone know what "dach"-- Low, long? It means a badger.
"Badger-hound.
" That's a badger hound? But they don't call them a dachshund, the Germans; they call them a Dackel.
They never say "dachshund".
Oddly enough.
But we say it.
There, "Dackel".
In gothic writing.
What's German for "dog", then? Hund.
As in our word "hound".
It's rather odd, because in English, er, old English, the only word we had for dog was "hund", or hound.
And then suddenly, in late middle English, this word "dog" arrived, and no one knows where it comes from.
It's one of the great etomological mysteries of English, is nobody knows where the word "dog" originated.
Dogga, as in Dogga Bank, is said to come from a Dutch word, dogger, which means a type of ship.
Are you sure it doesn't mean "four-legged animal that barks"? Because that would answer it, wouldn't it.
That would be a hint as to where we got the word, wouldn't it? There'd be some red faces all round in Oxford.
.
Erm .
.
.
"Oh, damn! I didn't think of that.
" What comes before a German bite? Oh.
Yes? A German bark.
You were thinking of JS, possibly, were you? But they never bark when they're going to attack you.
It's when they go quiet.
That's when you have to worry.
Germans? I don't know about Germans, but definitely dogs.
Definitely, yeah.
Any other thoughts? Lundy? You're on the right lines, but it isn't Lundy.
I was thinking it was Fisher, isn't it? "Fisher" is the right answer.
And the first one, oddly enough, is the one we were discussing, Dogger.
Dogger, Fisher, German Bight.
It's like a great British poem.
Do you know what we're talking about here, Alan? It's the shipping forecast.
Exactly.
I call them the chicken forecast, 'cause that's what it always sounded like when I was a kid.
"And now .
.
.
the chicken forecast.
" So you get things like "Sole Lundy Fastnet southeasterly 4, or 5 backing northwesterley 5 to 7, veering easterly later in Lundy.
Rain or showers, moderate or good.
" What's the difference between backing and veering? It's weather! It is.
The chicken are backing or the chicken are veering.
That's what it's about.
"Veering" means the wind is changing in a clockwise direction; "backing" means it's changing in an anti-clockwise direction.
And they always start where? Which one is the first one, when they read .
.
.
- Rockall.
- go through the areas? No, they don't start with Rockall.
Forties.
No, one up.
Faroes, Bailey, Hebrides.
Fastnet.
Viking.
Viking is the first one.
Oh, damn you.
It's Viking, North Utsire, South Utsire, Forties, Cromarty, Forth, Tyne, Dogger, Fisher, German Bight, and so on.
So there you are.
Sea area German Bight invariably follows Dogger and, as Jeremy so rightly pointed out, Fisher, in the shipping forecast.
But there we are.
We've all heard of the Isle of Dogs, but what famous islands are named after birds? Any thoughts? There are quite a few.
Puffin Island.
--is correct.
Any others? Erm .
.
.
Penguin Islands, Sparrow Island.
Blackbird Island, Eagle Island, Heron Island .
.
.
Thrush Island.
The Canary Islands! Oh, but no! No, the Canary Islands aren't .
.
.
There .
.
.
There is an example .
.
.
That's not the Canary Islands.
That is actually Bird Island we're looking at, you're absolutely right.
- That isn't the Canary Islands.
- That's in the Seychelles.
In the Seychelles, you're quite right.
Yeah, no, the Canary Islands are named after dogs.
Insula Canaris means "the Isle of Dogs".
And the birds are named after the island.
Do you know about canary wrestling? No.
It's just a form of wrestling in the Canary Islands.
How does it work? Well you stand in a sand circle called the "terrero", and basically, like sumo a bit, your feet have to be in the sand.
If any other part of your body touches the sand, you're beaten.
Is it you? Is it canaries wrestling? No, no, people from the Canary Islands.
Oh! I thought it was canaries that were .
.
.
I just couldn't see why they'd .
.
.
Why would they wrestle? Well, you have cock fighting.
Well, you know, they're angry animals.
And do you know about La Gomera? Obviously not having been to the Canary Islands, there is an island called La Gomera.
- Do you know they communicate across valleys in La Gomera? - Shouting.
They don't shout, no.
Mobile phone.
They don't .
.
.
Not .
.
.
It's a language they use, but instead of using their vocal chords, they? Fart.
No, they whistle.
See if you can tell what they're whistling.
It's in Spanish.
That is "John milked the goats.
" I'm not making these up.
The next one: - That was "Domingo was sick.
" Honestly.
- The Clangers.
Let's hear that one again, because you can hear the "Domingo", now you know.
Listen.
"Do-min-go .
.
.
oh-ee, oh-ee-oh!" I can't help noticing although it's in Spanish, he does have a Liverpool accent.
Why don't they just talk to each other? Because it's bouncing off the canyons of the gorges of the valleys of La Gomera.
- This is still on the Canary Islands, now, is it? - Yeah Is this the one that's going to fall in the sea and wipe out the whole of the Eastern Seaboard of America? I'm glad you asked me that, Mr Clarkson, because that is La Palma, in the Canaries; the volcano on La Palma is said that if it goes off in a big way, it will cause a tsunami that will engulf the whole of the Eastern Seaboard of the United States of America.
I think there's a piece of rock that's overhanging that's going to fall in the sea.
Yeah, it will cause the collapse of the western half of the island, which will then trigger this massive tsunami.
Anyway, there you are.
There is a style of fighting on the Canaries, as I said, called Canarian Wrestling, but explain what is dog kung fu? How does that work? You can use your dogs if you have an idea.
Anybody know? I happen to know that this is mainly female kung fu and the initial stance is hands down there, legs firmly on the floor like .
.
.
a dog.
A dog.
You're absolutely right.
Very correct.
Brilliant.
Yeah.
It was invented by a Chinese nun called Wu Mei, who was wandering around her country, and she couldn't afford a retinue, and she had bound feet and she found it very difficult to fight, you know, on her feet.
So she developed this form of fighting on all fours, which involves scissor kicks and big kicks to the groin and so on.
Do you know what any of the martial arts mean? What "karate" means, for example? Empty hand.
"Empty hand" is correct, absolutely.
Jew-do .
.
.
would be like a Jewish wedding or a party or something.
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
It supposedly means "the gentle way".
I think we'd better say something about dog fighting, apart from dog kung fu.
Who won the Battle of Britain for us? What machine? - Spitfire.
- Spitfire, the Hurricane.
Oh, Spitfire, who said it first? I don't know.
I think I did, yeah.
I'll accept that.
But then you said "Hurricane", which, unfortunately, is the right answer.
There were a lot more Hurricanes.
Ah, it's a moot point, so let's get you on this subject.
Well, the Hurricanes knocked out-- There were a lot more of them, though.
--1,593 aircraft, out of 2,739 knocked out of the skies.
Yes, and the first two planes shot down by Spitfires in the Second World War were Hurricanes.
--were Hurricanes, you're absolutely right.
I still maintain that the Spitfurries are better.
Oh, I agree, they're more glamorous; they're sexy.
They weren't as pretty.
They weren't.
I mean those lovely-- There, yes.
That's just not as pretty.
I mean, I know .
.
.
There were more of them.
The point is they shot down the bombers, really, and the Spitfires were very good at picking out the fighters.
No, if you ever talk to a Battle of Britain pilot .
.
.
Because that's what they asked them to do.
They said to the Hurricane guys, "You go after the bombers and leave the Spitfires to go after the fighters.
" Apparently, if you dived into a German formation, you just went like: You opened your eyes and it was all clear; you'd gone and you didn't know what you'd hit and there was nobody.
The notion that you would go, "Right, I'm going for that Heinkle," or whatever .
.
.
Do you know how .
.
.
how dog fights began? And when they began? - When they were invented-- - After the plane was invented, I should imagine.
Yes.
But it would have been .
.
.
It was .
.
.
- In the First World War.
- The First World War, exactly.
- They didn't have any guns.
So they would .
.
.
they'd lob things out.
On top of one another, like bricks.
- Well, to begin with, you're absolutely right.
They'd throw bricks at each other.
But it started .
.
.
They would wave at each other, because they didn't regard the airplane as being in any sense a military thing; it was just for observation and reconnaissance and so they'd go, "Hello.
" And then the war started to get a bit nasty and they'd start doing V-signs.
And then they started throwing bricks and then Mills bombs, and use .
.
.
The observer .
.
.
The spotter would use a pistol.
And then they did indeed fit guns onto them.
And amazingly, I still find it, because I used to love Biggles, and it always used to astonish me that the guns were synchronised to fire through the propeller.
Which is just astonishing.
It was my favourite VC winner was a First World War fighter pilot, and he was called Ferdinand West, I think.
And they were attacked by seven German planes.
And in the first, sort of, wave, he had his leg shot off, completely off.
So he .
.
.
It was jamming the controls; he took it out and threw it out of the plane, maneouvered his plane so they could get off some good bursts into the Germans, drove them away, dropped his bombs, landed back at base, apologised for the poor quality of his landing, and then sought medical attention.
Ah.
My great uncle had his tongue shot off in the war; he never talked about it.
But .
.
.
joe-badega, bugger, sorry, thank you.
Erm, why did, erm, fighter pilots nearly always in the First World War have terrible diarrhoea? I mean awful, galloping runs.
Well, it would be quite frightening! Well, yeah.
I mean, fear does turn the bowels to water.
But there is something else that made it even worse.
Something .
.
.
Some smell.
Fumes? It .
.
.
Yeah.
The bearings in propellers were lubricated with caster oil, and caster oil is used for constipation, and it certainly was right up until the '50s.
And they all got the runs.
So they all got the most galloping runs.
Allied to, as you say, the fear.
You're allowed to poo yourself with fear at this next round of questions, 'cause it's time now to snuffle around for the left over scraps in the doghouse of General Ignorance.
So fingers on buzzers, if you please.
Where do gorillas sleep? Yes.
Very quick.
Nests.
--is the right answer.
They do.
Look at the way he's eating his rocket salad.
He's got his little fingers up.
Isn't it very delicate, isn't it? They're amazing animals.
A slightly camp gorilla.
- But what I found interesting is the wives and children sleep in trees - Yeah.
- more than the silver-backed males.
- The silver-backs.
Yeah, yeah.
Fascinating stuff.
Also very odd is that they make a nest every day, even if they haven't moved on.
So if they're in the same place, they'll go next to their perfect nest they made the night before and make a new one.
And alone, not with the family.
Yeah.
Of course, the proper name for a gorilla, if you're a scientist, is Gorilla gorilla.
This is, er, known as a tautonym, like a tautology; a name whish uses the same word twice.
Two others are Bison bison and Iguana iguana, for example.
So see if you can guess these.
What is Rattus rattus? - A rat.
- It is a rat, yes.
The black rat.
I was expecting all that.
Yes, of course you were.
No.
Oriolus oriolus? The outside of a nipple.
That would be speled A-U-R-E.
Oriolus oriolus is an .
.
.
Do you know the bird? - Yeah? - It's bird.
Oi! It's the golden oriole.
The oriole, yes.
And the next one would be Cygnus cygnus.
Swan? Yes, it's the whooper swan, absolutely.
These are very, very easy, you see? You're doing well.
Points.
And the next one is Puffinus puffinus? - Yes? - Puffins Puffins? Oh, no, that's not puffins.
Ah, you were doing so well, and finally we baited our trap.
Puffinus puffinus is actually the Manx Shearwater.
There is a Manx Shearwater, the oldest wild bird apparently still alive.
There was a Manx Shearwater breeding on Copeland Island, Northern Ireland, that was tagged as an adult, i.
e.
, at least five years old, in July 1953, and re-trapped again in July 2003, so it lived to at least 55 years old.
Erm, shearwaters migrate 10,000 km a year, so this one had covered a minimum of a million km in its life.
Or they've discovered a very cunning way of swapping rings! But scientists believe that it is the same one.
And that's pretty amazing, isn't it? So that's Puffinus puffinus? For some reason that is called "puffinus", whereas a puffin is called Fratercula arctica, which means "little brother", er, because they look like little friars, little black and white .
.
.
But they really are nice to eat.
- They say they're delicious.
- They really are properly nice to eat.
And do you know, there's a certain section of society that is very pleased that they're delicious to eat, especially earlier in the year, from sort of February to the end of March.
Do you know why that would be? Catholics.
Catholics.
Because they used to believe that a puffin was half fish, half bird, and therefore you could eat it on a Friday or in Lent, if you're a Catholic.
They are extraordinary animals, because they can walk, they can swim underwater, and they can fly.
And they can do it while carrying at least twelve fish in their mouths.
Mm.
And be on your supper plate about eight.
You know that joke, don't you? What's the similarity between the pelican and, er, British Gas? They can both stick their bills up their arses.
There we are.
So yes, Puffinus puffinus is the Manx Shearwater.
The puffin is Fratercula arctica, as I mentioned, the little brother of the north.
Which brings us to the scores.
And who is our Crufts supreme champion of champions tonight? It's newcomer Neil Mullarkey with minus five points! Brrravo.
Only just behind, if not best in show, at least best in breed, is Liza with minus eight! Thank you so much.
It's the misfit.
In third place, with minus thirteen, is Jeremy Clarkson.
But our whimpering underdog, forlornly licking the root of his scrotum tonight, is Alan Davies, with minus thirty-six! Well, my thanks go to Liza, Jeremy, Neil, and Alan, and I leave you with this dog-eared newspaper cutting from the Europa Times: "Lucky is basically a damn good guide dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wupperthal, told reporters.
"He just needs a little brush up on some elementary skills.
" Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German Shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners.
"I admit it's not an impressive record on paper," said Gerber.
"He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier.
He actually pushed the third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt Express was approaching.
And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic before abandoning him and running away to safety.
But apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament .
.
.
and guide dogs are hard to train these days.
" Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about the previous record, Gerber replied: "No, it would make them nervous, and that would make Lucky nervous.
And when Lucky gets nervous, he's liable to do something silly.
" Good night.
And rubbing up against my leg this evening are Jeremy Clarkson .
.
.
Good evening.
Thank you.
Neil Mullarkey .
.
.
Liza Tarbuck .
.
.
and Alan Davies.
Well, tonight's show is all about dogs, and the buzzers are absolutely barking.
Neil goes: Liza goes: Aw.
Jeremy goes: And Alan goes: So, it's very much a doggy evening, and my first question is: Why are cats comparatively comparable, whereas dogs are distinctly different? Cats mating .
.
.
It can be quite an exclusive little gang, whereas dogs, they can run riot, so you could have a Great Dane with a Chihuahua.
It's a nice image.
Erm .
.
.
It would involve a stepladder.
Or a ditch.
Is it DNA, because, er, cats have very similar DNA, whereas some dogs are more like horses, so a Dalmatian is nearer a zebra than .
.
.
than a Great Dane, and, er, most dogs can are horses, really, or some are crocodiles and, er, some are giraffes.
Whereas all cats are cats.
Well, we're sort of along the right lines, inasmuch as you've mentioned a Great Dane.
Dogs can have as wide a spectrum of breed as a St Bernard, a Newfoundland, a Great Dane and a Chihuahua, or a Mexican hairless.
Cats are almost all, more or less, the same.
What, tigers, Manx cats, pumas, tigers .
.
.
No, no, no, no.
They're different species, the lions and the tigers and so on.
No matter how much you breed cats, you will not get the variation you do in dogs.
Dogs are unique in all animal species.
Horses and cats have been bred as much as dogs over human history, but there just isn't the variety.
And nobody knows why dogs have this extraordinary variety.
There's a huge amount of horses.
- There are a lot of them, yes, but they all .
.
.
- I .
.
.
No, they're all-- But the point is, they're not as physically distinct from each other as different breeds of dog are one from the other.
There is no animal that has-- Fish.
--in one species .
.
.
- Fish are all different.
- No, those are all species of fish.
- Fish are hugely different, it's a good point.
- Exactly, there's tiny fish and .
.
.
- Neon tetra.
- No, but they're all different species, they can't .
.
.
- Christ, there's a shark! Oh no it isn't, it's a neon tetra.
- A shark can't mate with a guppy.
You need a stepladder or a ditch.
It might be able to shag one, but the point is, the egg won't be fertilised.
Just hang your shark in the aquarium, so just his genitals are in there, and then try and lure your guppy over.
Can I .
.
.
This actually is a question I can ask here, is: Do dogs, when they start off, in the .
.
.
in the doggy position-- --I was told the other day that they swivel and end up bottom to bottom.
Is that true? I'm .
.
.
I'm going to come to this question now, I've actually provided you each with a pair of dogs for you to demonstrate to me how you think dogs mate.
I'm going to start with Neil.
Neil, can you bring out your dogs? "Nice party, isn't it?" "How about dinner later?" "All right.
" Erm .
.
.
There we are.
My dog has actually got a boyfriend who is a basset, and that's what he does.
And what was your theory, there? My question is .
.
.
This .
.
.
This.
That.
Do they then turn and wind up like this, some dogs? - Depends what's on telly.
- What do you think? Whoa, Alan! Oops .
.
.
Oh my .
.
.
Aww.
What I'm going to do there is I'm going to give points to Jeremy, because the fact is, it is arse-to-arse, as it were.
The male lifts a leg and swings it over the female's back while turning round, so it's a little like a dance there, and it's turned round so they are now back-to-back.
They stand with their hind ends touching and the penis locked inside the vagina while ejaculation occurs, which is nice.
Virgin dogs can become quite distressed because they find themselves often unable to separate during their first copulation.
They get stuck 'cause they can't disengorge; they have to think about John Prescott or something very, very, erm .
.
.
and then they'll go down.
We've got a labradoodle now.
Have you? Yeah.
Graham Norton's got one as well.
You have the same dog as Graham Norton? - Yeah.
- Wow.
Does he .
.
.
Flirting will get you nowhere, Stephen! No, I'm re-thinking you in all kinds of ways.
Erm .
.
.
There's, there is, there is a blend of a poodle with a Yorkshire terrier, who's .
.
.
What are you doing? Very nice! - It says cats are stupid.
- Cats are stupid.
- And they give you asthma.
- They .
.
.
Yes, they do.
They make us sneeze.
- They do give you asthma, which is why I practice my drop-kicks on them.
You love getting letters, don't you? No .
.
.
There is .
.
.
There is .
.
.
There is a blend of Yorkshire Terrier and Poodle.
And if anyone sees the owner of such a thing, you have to kill them, because they've called it a "Yorkipoo".
- What's your stance on dogs having clothes on? - Oh, fuck off.
Not you! No.
I mean, awful.
Talking of John Prescott, have you seen this dog? Oh, my God, it really is.
Unbelievable! Erm, you're absolutely right about doggie-style.
Doggie-style .
.
.
They do, of course, mount each other in that fashion that we call doggie-style, but very rarely does ejaculation take place.
So, let's put our dogs away now, if we may, please.
Thank you, children.
Erm .
.
.
Goodbye, Bruno.
Say bye-bye.
So, what's the most interesting thing a dog can smell? - Yes, Neil? - A dog's dinner.
Yes.
To a dog that is the most interesting thing a dog can smell.
Or another dog's bottom.
Yeah, oh.
Oh, there you are! Oh! No.
My crotch.
They all do! They do.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Can you blame them? They're only flesh and blood.
Erm, this is really interesting because it's terribly touching, really, that they can smell this, and-- Cancer.
-It's cancer, you're absolutely right.
- No, really? Yeah.
There was a woman who .
.
.
Her dog kept pawing at her leg and she had nothing on her leg that was peculiar, just a normal number of moles, but it was only interested in one of the moles, and when she wore shorts, it tried to nip it.
And so she went to the doctor and the doctor found that this was a malignant melanoma.
Had it taken out.
And doctors have found that dogs can smell bladder cancer, lung cancer .
.
.
Ninety nine percent, erm, efficiency rate at smelling it on people's breath, lung cancer.
Quite extraordinary.
We have something like fifty million of these olfactory cells up here and they have two hundred and twenty-odd million.
But their sense of smell is infinitely better than that; it's not just two hundred and twenty-odd times better: it's thousands of times better.
We have machines that can smell a part in a billion, which are fantastically sensitive and complex.
Dogs can smell one part in a quadrillion.
I'm worried about this dog.
Has it been nailed? It can smell my crotch, from wherever it is.
We all can.
I'm sorry.
It is.
Yeah.
Erm, how can you tell the difference between a Scouse dog, for example, and a Scottish dog? How could you tell a Scot from a Liverpudlian when you met them? Accent.
"Accent" is the right answer.
Oh, don't tell me that.
Apparently, there's been a lot of research by the Canine Behaviour Centre in Cumbria, and you're going to possibly snort with derision when I tell you this, but owners and dogs left messages on the Centre's answering machine.
Experts then compared the pitch, tone, volume, and length of the sounds made by human and dog.
And they found that the Scouse and Scotch dogs had the most distinctive accents.
The Scouse dogs have higher pitched voices than their equivalents .
.
.
I saw the other day that somebody's worked out that dolphins give one another names.
They just don't! A dolphin says: "Oh, she's calling him Peter.
" He fucking isn't! So you really don't believe this, do you? No.
I believe it, yeah.
Thank you.
They go, "Woof woof: All right.
" Or, "Woof woof: Och aye the noo!" So they're pretty stereotyped accents, aren't they? Well, of course it makes sense; I mean, a dog does imitate the behaviour of the pack it's in; in other words, the family or the owner.
So, er, for example, terriers that live with families with children become very manic and the same breed of terrier, indeed from the same family, if it's with an old lady, will start shuffling along looking forlorn way before its time.
Do they smell of wee? Do they say how old they are? "I'm seven, you know.
" Do they say that? Possibly they do.
"I'm eight next year.
" So, still dog related, what kind of dog lays eggs? Dogfish.
--is the right answer.
That simple.
Exactly.
And what sort of fish is a dogfish? - It's a catfish.
- It's a shark.
It's a shark is right, Liza, absolutely.
You get some points for that.
It is a type of shark, yeah.
And the sea dog, this here, this marvellous whale shark-- That's the biggest fish in the world.
And it's a fish.
It is.
You get a point for knowing that.
It is actually around about 100 times the size of the average dogfish.
That's about-- That's a Napoleon wrasse underneath it.
Well spotted.
Have you ever come across one of these? You can feed them a hard-boiled egg, the Napoleon wrasse, and they'll eat it, and all the shell comes out the gills.
People often think that sharks have to swim all the time, in order not to sink to the bottom.
I love people who say that.
"I'm like a shark, me; I have to keep moving.
" - Yeah, exactly, it's that .
.
.
- They do say that.
- Yeah, they do.
"I like to keep moving; I get bored; I'd go out of my mind; I have to keep moving; I'm like a shark.
" There are circumstances in which they don't have to; they can just get currents coming in, but they have to have water - moving through their gills.
- When they go to the pictures, for example.
They don't keep moving then.
The largest egg ever laid was laid by the whale shark, and they're called a mermaid's purse.
Sharks used to be called sea dogs, and small sharks still are called dogfish, as we've discussed.
But what's the German for "sausage dog"? Dachshund.
Dachshund.
Oh, dear, no.
No, oddly enough it is a German word and it means .
.
.
Anyone know what "dach"-- Low, long? It means a badger.
"Badger-hound.
" That's a badger hound? But they don't call them a dachshund, the Germans; they call them a Dackel.
They never say "dachshund".
Oddly enough.
But we say it.
There, "Dackel".
In gothic writing.
What's German for "dog", then? Hund.
As in our word "hound".
It's rather odd, because in English, er, old English, the only word we had for dog was "hund", or hound.
And then suddenly, in late middle English, this word "dog" arrived, and no one knows where it comes from.
It's one of the great etomological mysteries of English, is nobody knows where the word "dog" originated.
Dogga, as in Dogga Bank, is said to come from a Dutch word, dogger, which means a type of ship.
Are you sure it doesn't mean "four-legged animal that barks"? Because that would answer it, wouldn't it.
That would be a hint as to where we got the word, wouldn't it? There'd be some red faces all round in Oxford.
.
Erm .
.
.
"Oh, damn! I didn't think of that.
" What comes before a German bite? Oh.
Yes? A German bark.
You were thinking of JS, possibly, were you? But they never bark when they're going to attack you.
It's when they go quiet.
That's when you have to worry.
Germans? I don't know about Germans, but definitely dogs.
Definitely, yeah.
Any other thoughts? Lundy? You're on the right lines, but it isn't Lundy.
I was thinking it was Fisher, isn't it? "Fisher" is the right answer.
And the first one, oddly enough, is the one we were discussing, Dogger.
Dogger, Fisher, German Bight.
It's like a great British poem.
Do you know what we're talking about here, Alan? It's the shipping forecast.
Exactly.
I call them the chicken forecast, 'cause that's what it always sounded like when I was a kid.
"And now .
.
.
the chicken forecast.
" So you get things like "Sole Lundy Fastnet southeasterly 4, or 5 backing northwesterley 5 to 7, veering easterly later in Lundy.
Rain or showers, moderate or good.
" What's the difference between backing and veering? It's weather! It is.
The chicken are backing or the chicken are veering.
That's what it's about.
"Veering" means the wind is changing in a clockwise direction; "backing" means it's changing in an anti-clockwise direction.
And they always start where? Which one is the first one, when they read .
.
.
- Rockall.
- go through the areas? No, they don't start with Rockall.
Forties.
No, one up.
Faroes, Bailey, Hebrides.
Fastnet.
Viking.
Viking is the first one.
Oh, damn you.
It's Viking, North Utsire, South Utsire, Forties, Cromarty, Forth, Tyne, Dogger, Fisher, German Bight, and so on.
So there you are.
Sea area German Bight invariably follows Dogger and, as Jeremy so rightly pointed out, Fisher, in the shipping forecast.
But there we are.
We've all heard of the Isle of Dogs, but what famous islands are named after birds? Any thoughts? There are quite a few.
Puffin Island.
--is correct.
Any others? Erm .
.
.
Penguin Islands, Sparrow Island.
Blackbird Island, Eagle Island, Heron Island .
.
.
Thrush Island.
The Canary Islands! Oh, but no! No, the Canary Islands aren't .
.
.
There .
.
.
There is an example .
.
.
That's not the Canary Islands.
That is actually Bird Island we're looking at, you're absolutely right.
- That isn't the Canary Islands.
- That's in the Seychelles.
In the Seychelles, you're quite right.
Yeah, no, the Canary Islands are named after dogs.
Insula Canaris means "the Isle of Dogs".
And the birds are named after the island.
Do you know about canary wrestling? No.
It's just a form of wrestling in the Canary Islands.
How does it work? Well you stand in a sand circle called the "terrero", and basically, like sumo a bit, your feet have to be in the sand.
If any other part of your body touches the sand, you're beaten.
Is it you? Is it canaries wrestling? No, no, people from the Canary Islands.
Oh! I thought it was canaries that were .
.
.
I just couldn't see why they'd .
.
.
Why would they wrestle? Well, you have cock fighting.
Well, you know, they're angry animals.
And do you know about La Gomera? Obviously not having been to the Canary Islands, there is an island called La Gomera.
- Do you know they communicate across valleys in La Gomera? - Shouting.
They don't shout, no.
Mobile phone.
They don't .
.
.
Not .
.
.
It's a language they use, but instead of using their vocal chords, they? Fart.
No, they whistle.
See if you can tell what they're whistling.
It's in Spanish.
That is "John milked the goats.
" I'm not making these up.
The next one: - That was "Domingo was sick.
" Honestly.
- The Clangers.
Let's hear that one again, because you can hear the "Domingo", now you know.
Listen.
"Do-min-go .
.
.
oh-ee, oh-ee-oh!" I can't help noticing although it's in Spanish, he does have a Liverpool accent.
Why don't they just talk to each other? Because it's bouncing off the canyons of the gorges of the valleys of La Gomera.
- This is still on the Canary Islands, now, is it? - Yeah Is this the one that's going to fall in the sea and wipe out the whole of the Eastern Seaboard of America? I'm glad you asked me that, Mr Clarkson, because that is La Palma, in the Canaries; the volcano on La Palma is said that if it goes off in a big way, it will cause a tsunami that will engulf the whole of the Eastern Seaboard of the United States of America.
I think there's a piece of rock that's overhanging that's going to fall in the sea.
Yeah, it will cause the collapse of the western half of the island, which will then trigger this massive tsunami.
Anyway, there you are.
There is a style of fighting on the Canaries, as I said, called Canarian Wrestling, but explain what is dog kung fu? How does that work? You can use your dogs if you have an idea.
Anybody know? I happen to know that this is mainly female kung fu and the initial stance is hands down there, legs firmly on the floor like .
.
.
a dog.
A dog.
You're absolutely right.
Very correct.
Brilliant.
Yeah.
It was invented by a Chinese nun called Wu Mei, who was wandering around her country, and she couldn't afford a retinue, and she had bound feet and she found it very difficult to fight, you know, on her feet.
So she developed this form of fighting on all fours, which involves scissor kicks and big kicks to the groin and so on.
Do you know what any of the martial arts mean? What "karate" means, for example? Empty hand.
"Empty hand" is correct, absolutely.
Jew-do .
.
.
would be like a Jewish wedding or a party or something.
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
It supposedly means "the gentle way".
I think we'd better say something about dog fighting, apart from dog kung fu.
Who won the Battle of Britain for us? What machine? - Spitfire.
- Spitfire, the Hurricane.
Oh, Spitfire, who said it first? I don't know.
I think I did, yeah.
I'll accept that.
But then you said "Hurricane", which, unfortunately, is the right answer.
There were a lot more Hurricanes.
Ah, it's a moot point, so let's get you on this subject.
Well, the Hurricanes knocked out-- There were a lot more of them, though.
--1,593 aircraft, out of 2,739 knocked out of the skies.
Yes, and the first two planes shot down by Spitfires in the Second World War were Hurricanes.
--were Hurricanes, you're absolutely right.
I still maintain that the Spitfurries are better.
Oh, I agree, they're more glamorous; they're sexy.
They weren't as pretty.
They weren't.
I mean those lovely-- There, yes.
That's just not as pretty.
I mean, I know .
.
.
There were more of them.
The point is they shot down the bombers, really, and the Spitfires were very good at picking out the fighters.
No, if you ever talk to a Battle of Britain pilot .
.
.
Because that's what they asked them to do.
They said to the Hurricane guys, "You go after the bombers and leave the Spitfires to go after the fighters.
" Apparently, if you dived into a German formation, you just went like: You opened your eyes and it was all clear; you'd gone and you didn't know what you'd hit and there was nobody.
The notion that you would go, "Right, I'm going for that Heinkle," or whatever .
.
.
Do you know how .
.
.
how dog fights began? And when they began? - When they were invented-- - After the plane was invented, I should imagine.
Yes.
But it would have been .
.
.
It was .
.
.
- In the First World War.
- The First World War, exactly.
- They didn't have any guns.
So they would .
.
.
they'd lob things out.
On top of one another, like bricks.
- Well, to begin with, you're absolutely right.
They'd throw bricks at each other.
But it started .
.
.
They would wave at each other, because they didn't regard the airplane as being in any sense a military thing; it was just for observation and reconnaissance and so they'd go, "Hello.
" And then the war started to get a bit nasty and they'd start doing V-signs.
And then they started throwing bricks and then Mills bombs, and use .
.
.
The observer .
.
.
The spotter would use a pistol.
And then they did indeed fit guns onto them.
And amazingly, I still find it, because I used to love Biggles, and it always used to astonish me that the guns were synchronised to fire through the propeller.
Which is just astonishing.
It was my favourite VC winner was a First World War fighter pilot, and he was called Ferdinand West, I think.
And they were attacked by seven German planes.
And in the first, sort of, wave, he had his leg shot off, completely off.
So he .
.
.
It was jamming the controls; he took it out and threw it out of the plane, maneouvered his plane so they could get off some good bursts into the Germans, drove them away, dropped his bombs, landed back at base, apologised for the poor quality of his landing, and then sought medical attention.
Ah.
My great uncle had his tongue shot off in the war; he never talked about it.
But .
.
.
joe-badega, bugger, sorry, thank you.
Erm, why did, erm, fighter pilots nearly always in the First World War have terrible diarrhoea? I mean awful, galloping runs.
Well, it would be quite frightening! Well, yeah.
I mean, fear does turn the bowels to water.
But there is something else that made it even worse.
Something .
.
.
Some smell.
Fumes? It .
.
.
Yeah.
The bearings in propellers were lubricated with caster oil, and caster oil is used for constipation, and it certainly was right up until the '50s.
And they all got the runs.
So they all got the most galloping runs.
Allied to, as you say, the fear.
You're allowed to poo yourself with fear at this next round of questions, 'cause it's time now to snuffle around for the left over scraps in the doghouse of General Ignorance.
So fingers on buzzers, if you please.
Where do gorillas sleep? Yes.
Very quick.
Nests.
--is the right answer.
They do.
Look at the way he's eating his rocket salad.
He's got his little fingers up.
Isn't it very delicate, isn't it? They're amazing animals.
A slightly camp gorilla.
- But what I found interesting is the wives and children sleep in trees - Yeah.
- more than the silver-backed males.
- The silver-backs.
Yeah, yeah.
Fascinating stuff.
Also very odd is that they make a nest every day, even if they haven't moved on.
So if they're in the same place, they'll go next to their perfect nest they made the night before and make a new one.
And alone, not with the family.
Yeah.
Of course, the proper name for a gorilla, if you're a scientist, is Gorilla gorilla.
This is, er, known as a tautonym, like a tautology; a name whish uses the same word twice.
Two others are Bison bison and Iguana iguana, for example.
So see if you can guess these.
What is Rattus rattus? - A rat.
- It is a rat, yes.
The black rat.
I was expecting all that.
Yes, of course you were.
No.
Oriolus oriolus? The outside of a nipple.
That would be speled A-U-R-E.
Oriolus oriolus is an .
.
.
Do you know the bird? - Yeah? - It's bird.
Oi! It's the golden oriole.
The oriole, yes.
And the next one would be Cygnus cygnus.
Swan? Yes, it's the whooper swan, absolutely.
These are very, very easy, you see? You're doing well.
Points.
And the next one is Puffinus puffinus? - Yes? - Puffins Puffins? Oh, no, that's not puffins.
Ah, you were doing so well, and finally we baited our trap.
Puffinus puffinus is actually the Manx Shearwater.
There is a Manx Shearwater, the oldest wild bird apparently still alive.
There was a Manx Shearwater breeding on Copeland Island, Northern Ireland, that was tagged as an adult, i.
e.
, at least five years old, in July 1953, and re-trapped again in July 2003, so it lived to at least 55 years old.
Erm, shearwaters migrate 10,000 km a year, so this one had covered a minimum of a million km in its life.
Or they've discovered a very cunning way of swapping rings! But scientists believe that it is the same one.
And that's pretty amazing, isn't it? So that's Puffinus puffinus? For some reason that is called "puffinus", whereas a puffin is called Fratercula arctica, which means "little brother", er, because they look like little friars, little black and white .
.
.
But they really are nice to eat.
- They say they're delicious.
- They really are properly nice to eat.
And do you know, there's a certain section of society that is very pleased that they're delicious to eat, especially earlier in the year, from sort of February to the end of March.
Do you know why that would be? Catholics.
Catholics.
Because they used to believe that a puffin was half fish, half bird, and therefore you could eat it on a Friday or in Lent, if you're a Catholic.
They are extraordinary animals, because they can walk, they can swim underwater, and they can fly.
And they can do it while carrying at least twelve fish in their mouths.
Mm.
And be on your supper plate about eight.
You know that joke, don't you? What's the similarity between the pelican and, er, British Gas? They can both stick their bills up their arses.
There we are.
So yes, Puffinus puffinus is the Manx Shearwater.
The puffin is Fratercula arctica, as I mentioned, the little brother of the north.
Which brings us to the scores.
And who is our Crufts supreme champion of champions tonight? It's newcomer Neil Mullarkey with minus five points! Brrravo.
Only just behind, if not best in show, at least best in breed, is Liza with minus eight! Thank you so much.
It's the misfit.
In third place, with minus thirteen, is Jeremy Clarkson.
But our whimpering underdog, forlornly licking the root of his scrotum tonight, is Alan Davies, with minus thirty-six! Well, my thanks go to Liza, Jeremy, Neil, and Alan, and I leave you with this dog-eared newspaper cutting from the Europa Times: "Lucky is basically a damn good guide dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wupperthal, told reporters.
"He just needs a little brush up on some elementary skills.
" Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German Shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners.
"I admit it's not an impressive record on paper," said Gerber.
"He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier.
He actually pushed the third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt Express was approaching.
And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic before abandoning him and running away to safety.
But apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament .
.
.
and guide dogs are hard to train these days.
" Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about the previous record, Gerber replied: "No, it would make them nervous, and that would make Lucky nervous.
And when Lucky gets nervous, he's liable to do something silly.
" Good night.