Rules of Engagement s04e03 Episode Script

I love these rolly suitcases.
It's like I'm walking a dog that's filled with my underpants.
What are you doing? Getting ready for Aunt Judy's visit.
Putting out plenty of ashtrays.
Good.
Maybe this time she won't use the carpet, the plants and the guacamole that I was still eating.
And actually continued to eat.
I can't believe you're going to Atlantic City and leaving me alone with her all weekend.
It's a damn shame.
How about if I go with you to the bachelor party? I could jump out of the cake.
Yes, because it's 1954, and that's how we do it.
Come on, Chuck's just a co-worker.
Can you at least come back early on Sunday morning? I wish I could, but I can't miss Sunday brunch.
It's the highlight of the bachelor weekend.
Really? So then why not just skip the steaks and the boobs and just show up Sunday for the highlight? Audrey, the steaks and the boobs are the foundation upon which the brunch is built.
Don't feel bad.
There's no way you could've known that.
Fine.
You owe me one.
In fact, you owe me a lot of ones.
That reminds me, I need to bring a lot of ones.
Hello? No, Aunt Judy, it's, uh, Jeff.
You accidentally called my phone.
Hey, look, it It's okay.
I'll just tell her.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Uh, Aunt Judy is not feeling her best, so she just says to make sure that you've got that Kleenex with the lotion and, uh And something called Metamucil Extreme.
You gals have fun.
# How many ways To say, "I love you?" # # How many ways To say that I'm not scared? # # With you by my side # # There is no denyin' # # I can't wait For me and you # Oh, Chuck, there's the lucky bachelor.
Getting psyched for the great weekend, huh? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, don't worry.
I wasn't really gonna hit you.
No.
It's the wedding.
It's not happening.
Suzanne called it off.
Oh, my God! Please tell me this doesn't affect the bachelor party.
You know, it's funny.
I spent my whole life searching for my soul mate.
That is funny.
Sorry.
Um About the bachelor party.
When I met Suzanne, I thought my search was over.
It just breaks your heart when you discover the person you love doesn't love you back.
I feel like you're not listening here.
So just like that, a week before the wedding, she dumps him.
Wait, so this guy's not getting married? Ah, I love a story with a happy ending.
You know what I also love? A happy ending.
Ha-ha! Come on.
You don't think you'll ever get married? Look, if I wanted sex with strings attached, I'd bang a marionette.
Well, there's a puppet show you don't want the kids to see.
Either way, I'm stuck at home with Aud and Old Smokey, who's basically a chimney with a wet cough.
You know, someone's really not using their brain here.
Is it me? No.
It's Jeff.
What is it I'm missing? Have you told Audrey the party's canceled? No, not yet.
Ah, genius.
Let's all go.
So you're just gonna lie to Audrey? A lie undiscovered becomes a truth.
I, for one, would love to see Atlantic City.
I've never before experienced the thrill of gambling.
I can't go.
Jen and I have movie night tonight.
I'd really hate to disappoint her.
Hey, I've been married for 14 years.
Trust me, getting them used to being disappointed is not a bad thing.
Okay, well, look, I mean, Jen loves movie night.
And besides, I don't want it to be awkward.
I don't really know Chuck.
Chuck's not even gonna be Ah! Oh, my God.
You cannot believe how happy I am.
My Aunt Judy has a bacterial infection.
Yay.
Take that, old lady who I don't know.
No, she had to cancel her visit.
And since Jeff's in A.
C.
All weekend, I thought you and I could hit the overnight spa.
I have a two-for-one voucher.
Oh, I am totally in.
All I had planned was movie night with Adam, and it's his turn to pick.
Uh-oh.
I know.
He says he's gonna surprise me, but we've all seen the billboard for that talking-turtle movie.
Heh-heh.
All right.
So we'll leave right after work, and we can avoid the traff Chuck? Hi.
Uh, Audrey Bingham, Jeff's wife.
Oh, hey, Audrey.
Shouldn't you be halfway to Atlantic City? Didn't Jeff tell you? Suzanne called off the wedding.
Oh, my God.
What about the bachelor party? That's all Jeff cared about too.
What the hell is wrong with you people? So Jeff knew the party was off, but he went anyway.
Really? He thinks he's getting out of a weekend with Aunt Judy.
So, what are you gonna do? Well, I have an interesting hand here.
I have to figure out how to play it for maximum entertainment.
What would you do if Adam tried to outsmart you? Asked and answered.
Hey.
I'm in the bedroom.
You ready for movie night? You are gonna be delightfully surprised by my pick.
Yeah.
It's a talking-turtle movie, and I'm gonna pass.
His shell is different and that makes him special.
Oh, my God.
Are you leaving me? No.
Audrey invited me for a free spa weekend.
You're okay if I blow off movie night, right? Pfft.
Whatevs.
All right, I'll be back Sunday.
I'll call you.
Okay.
Hm.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh! Hey, Jeff, it's Adam again.
I'm coming to Atlantic City! Another $100 in chips, please.
Hey, uh, there, Ken from Tallahassee, uh, keep those 16s coming.
I want to be completely broke in the next four seconds.
Well, this is very exciting, isn't it? My first casino wager.
Now, where's my cheat sheet? Whoa, I don't want the rookie at our table.
Yeah.
Our luck's been bad enough as it is.
Blackjack.
Hey.
And blackjack.
Whoa! Did you see that? We both had our hands on Tim, we both got blackjack.
Maybe the boy's good luck.
Well, I certainly hope so.
Chips, please.
Yeah, no chips for you right now.
Listen, just stand there, and let's test our theory.
Hit me.
Twenty-one.
Ha-ha.
I'll stay.
Dealer busts.
Yeah, all right.
It works, dude! Yeah! I'll just go to another table.
Aah, Mr.
Bingham, you're hurting me.
Don't let our lucky charm get away.
Ah.
I am so happy to be at a spa with someone who won't crack up every time he hears the word "facial.
" Facial.
Sorry.
Anyway, I'm gonna get a hot-rock massage.
What about you? Uh, yeah, yeah.
In a bit.
First it's time to implement phase one of Operation Ruin Jeff's Weekend.
Hey, Audrey, what's up? Oh, nothing much.
Just wanted to make sure everyone got to the party okay.
Yeah, we all made it.
Uh, we're making Chuck wear a skirt.
It's hilarious.
Hey, buddy, your junk's hanging out! You're cool.
You're cool.
Sounds fun.
Well, Aunt Judy's just relaxing in front of the TV, trying to figure out the remotes.
Hey, you know the rule.
No outsiders touch my remotes.
Oh, no, no, it's fine.
It's just Oh.
Oh, no.
No, Aunt Judy.
Uh, I wouldn't fiddle with that.
Oh, no.
She erased everything.
Everything? Uh, well, what about that movie where Teri Hatcher goes topless on the balcony? Oh, Teri's gone, Jeff.
Damn it, Audrey! How'd you let this happen? I'm so sorry.
Gotta go.
Ha! That'll teach him to try to have fun.
Well, my entire TiVo collection was erased by Virginia Not-So-Slim.
Even Hatcher on the balcony? I'm afraid so.
Oh.
Uh, hey, Aunt Judy.
No, it's Jeff again.
Yeah What? No, no, no, no.
That's okay.
I'll tell her.
You feel better.
Bye.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
Aunt Judy's not there.
She just called me by accident.
She canceled her visit.
Wait, why would Audrey make all that stuff up? Because she wants to make me feel guilty for ditching her.
Oh! Oh, she's good.
She is very good, but she made one major mistake.
She married me.
Okay, I'm ready.
Oh, finally.
Oh, that's Jeff.
Sorry.
Hold on.
Hey, hon.
You still upset about your TiVo? No, I want to make sure Aunt Judy doesn't feel bad about it.
Put her on.
Let me talk to her.
Hang on a minute.
Oh, my God.
He wants to talk to Aunt Judy.
Aunt Judy's not here.
Thanks, I was just about to look under the bed.
Oh, sweetie, now is not a good time.
She wasn't feeling well, so she's sleeping.
Is she? I'll try back a little later.
Sounds good.
Um, but, hey while I have you, why don't you put Chuck on the phone? What? Yeah.
I'd like to congratulate the groom-to-be.
Yeah.
Sure.
Okay.
Uh Oh, shucks, he just got waylaid by a cowgirl with tequila in her holster, so Probably gonna be a while.
Oh, well.
I'll just keep trying.
That'll be fine.
We'll talk later.
Why would Audrey want to talk to Chuck? I don't feel good about that.
You know why something bad happened to you? You took your hand off of it.
At some point, We should discuss "it" having to pee.
Jeff hates Aunt Judy.
Why would he all of a sudden want to talk to her? I don't know, Audrey.
Why isn't some hot Brazilian guy rubbing my ass? All right, all right.
Easy there, not so rough.
Sir, I assure you that part is not lucky.
Not for you.
Are you even playing? A little less with the chatting, a little more with the not chatting.
I am not a rabbit's foot.
This is completely dehumanizing.
All right, it's getting upset.
Somebody get it a drink.
All right, know what? That is enough.
I'm completely Dealer busts.
Everyone's a winner.
Thanks, buddy.
Hey, this is for you.
Oh, thank you, really.
Oh, thank you all.
This is This is very kind.
Very well.
All right then, Ken from Tallahassee, a little more dealing, a little less not dealing.
You gonna bet? Put a bet down.
I can't focus.
I'm not just gonna sit here and wait for Audrey to make the next move.
I'm gonna go on the offensive.
Oh.
All right, we got a, uh, open spot on Timmy.
Who's it gonna be? All right, there you go.
Get in.
Oh, it's Jeff calling for Aunt Judy again.
What do I do? I don't know.
Continue to ruin my spa experience.
She can't sleep forever.
Oh, you're gonna be Aunt Judy.
What? All right, you're 78.
You love Jeopardy! You're all backed up.
Get ready.
Hello? I just wanted to check in and see if Aunt Jude's awake now.
Can I talk to her? Uh, let me check.
Aunt Judy, you wanna talk to Jeff? Oh, I don't think so on account of my achy belly.
You are Aunt Judy, not Mrs.
Doubtfire.
Aud, everything okay? Dude, dude.
Uh, yeah.
Listen, you can't talk to Aunt Judy, because she's, uh I gotta take her to the hospital.
But don't feel bad.
I mean, just enjoy Chuck's party with Chuck.
How can I enjoy myself knowing that she's going to the hospital? Hey, how about I come home right now? I help you out with Aunt Judy.
What? Yeah, I'm heading to the train station.
All aboard! Next stop, New York City! I'm heading to the train station.
Oh, God.
He wants to come home.
What What do I do? Oh, for God sakes, just tell him the truth.
This is insane.
He's bluffing.
Audrey? Something wrong? All right, I'm gonna call his bluff.
Her stomach is really bad.
You should come home.
What? Yeah, to help me take her to the hospital.
Well, now, if, uh, Aunt Judy needs to see a doctor, then you're in luck because Chuck's best man, uh, Martin, is, uh, all the way here from Macon, Georgia.
And he's a top gastroenterologist.
So, uh, just hold on for a sec.
Martin.
Yeah.
You're on.
Make sure Aunt Judy doesn't have to go to the hospital.
Here he is.
Put her on.
Hello? Well, hello, there, young lady.
This is Dr.
Martin Pepper.
Hello, Dr.
Pepper.
I hear you're having some, uh, stomach miseries.
Oh, yes.
It It hurts.
I see.
I see.
Well, I seen a case like yours once before down at Butcher Hollow.
Colonel Sanders, wanna dial it down a bit? I can't.
I say, I say, yeah, take some bismuth and sodium bicarbonate, and that should cure what ails you.
But whatever you do, by all means, do not go to the hospital.
Thank you, doctor.
It's, uh, my pleasure.
Hey.
I guess she doesn't have to go to the hospital.
No sense in me rushing back.
No, no, no.
We We'll manage for a while.
Based on the advice of Chuck's best man, Dr.
Pepper.
Yes, that is what he told Aunt Judy, who's visiting with you as we speak.
Well, sounds like we've both got a lot going on.
Yeah.
Talk to you later.
Liar.
Liar.
This is weird.
Why would she want me to come home? She must know something.
She didn't get it from my end.
I nailed it.
I'm gonna force her hand.
I'm going all in.
Hello? Hey, thought about it.
Coming home.
What? I'll be home in three hours.
Well, that sounds great.
See you soon.
So you want me to come home? I do.
Fine.
I will.
Super.
Give my best to Chuck.
Aunt Judy! What happened? I called his bluff and he didn't blink.
So, what now? Pack your crap.
I gotta get home.
Really? Thanks for inviting me.
We should totally do this more often.
Whoo.
Hey, I'm home.
Welcome home.
Yeah.
I'm all ready to help out with Aunt Judy.
Oh.
Too late.
She just laid down.
Did she, now? Just.
Ah, nice.
Well, darn it, I should, uh, pop my head in and see how the old gal's feeling.
Mm.
She's better now.
No need.
Still, wouldn't feel right if I didn't just peek in on her.
So that's what I'm gonna do.
Wait.
Yes.
Is there something that you wanted to tell me? There is.
While you're peeking in on Aunt Judy, I'm, uh I'm gonna call Chuck.
To apologize for pulling you away.
You know what? I probably shouldn't wake her.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't interrupt Chuck in the middle of his party.
Funny how you know Chuck's number off the top of your head.
Funny how you were standing with a stomach doctor right when I needed one.
Okay, then, I'm gonna go to bed.
Gotta get up early to take Aunt Judy to the train station, which will all happen before you wake up.
All deleted.
Nice touch.
Well, from your description, I'd say you could have a declavamacated hip.
But I would be remiss if I did not conduct a more thorough examination in my office, Which at this point in time is Room 703.
Hey, buddy.
There you are.
I made it.
Excuse me, kind stranger, I'm with a patient.
Uh, but, Russell I said I said go away, boy.
You bother me!