Family Guy s04e04 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy There's Craig Hoffman.
He's such a rebeI.
Oh, my God, he is so gorgeous.
And he plays by no one's rules but his own.
Meg, you should ask him out.
I mean, you're the only one of us who's ever had a reaI boyfriend.
I'm back.
I brought another picnic.
You're such a good listener.
You're not like the other boys.
You're so good with animals.
I guess I could give it a try.
all right, here goes.
Hi, Craig.
I was wondering if maybe you'd want to I don't know, go out sometime.
That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own which I would never do.
I play by my own rules, nobody else's.
Not even my own.
- How about a movie? - I don't go out with dudes.
- Mom, Dad, am I ugly? - Of course not, sweetie.
Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that? - Craig Hoffman.
- Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid.
You might be ugly.
There, there, let me dry those tears.
Yes, your anguish sustains me.
Meg, honey, don't let those awfuI kids at schooI make you feeI bad about yourself.
I tell you what.
Tomorrow you and I are gonna go out and get you some brand new outfits.
Maybe a pair of those low-rider jeans that'll show off your cute butt, huh? Really? Wow, thanks, Mom.
Meg in low-riders.
Enough of that.
Go away, damn you.
You're going to get it now.
Oh, my God! Horace, what is this all about? What the hell's it look like? I'm putting the bar up for sale.
Please tell me this is some kind of practicaI joke.
Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospitaI.
I'm afraid I have some very bad news.
Your wife's gonna be a vegetable.
You'll have to bathe her, feed her and care for her the rest of her life.
Oh, my God.
No, I'm just kidding.
She's dead.
Ever since that mega-mall opened across the street it's been taking away all my business.
They got 300 stores, 200 restaurants I go to Baskin-Robbins every night and buy myself a little treat.
Now, how in the hell am I supposed to compete with that? You need to fix the place up.
Reinvent The Clam's image and we'll help you.
That'll take forever.
Not if we do a 1980s fixing-stuff-up montage.
Well, I think we made it worse.
Boy, I do not envy whoever has to clean that mess up.
Brian, why don't you take Stewie while Meg and I go clothes shopping? You know, it's awfully dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height.
- I say, let me get on your back.
- Oh, for God's sake.
Strong with the force, young Skywalker is.
- God, I don't believe this.
- That is why you fall.
What about this, Meg? A pink baby tee that says "Little Slut?" - That seems pretty hip.
- I don't know if that's really me, Mom.
Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star" and another that says "Sperm Dumpster" and they're all written in glitter.
all right.
all right.
Give me "Sperm Dumpster.
" That's the spirit.
- You finding everything okay? - Yes, thank you.
- You just let me know if you need any- - How do these jeans look? - $10.
- $5.
- $8 and I'll do it.
- Fine.
Help, I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! I am so outrageous.
Give me the cash.
- Cold in here? - Nope, just really small.
Face it, Mom.
No matter what I wear, I look ugly.
Meg, you're being That's Let's try down here.
Coming up next, Joan Rivers speaks to us from beyond the grave.
But first, let's go to the Quahog Mega-Mall where Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa is handing out makeovers.
That's right, Tom.
Some lucky hideous woman will be transformed by our makeover magicians into someone of value to society.
Meg, that's it.
You could get a makeover.
That'd be just the thing to boost your confidence.
Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa! Over here! My daughter needs a makeover like there's no freaking tomorrow.
It looks like we've got a winner, Tom.
- Face it, The Clam is doomed.
- Come on, guys, we can't give up now.
Peter, we've tried every theme we could think of and everything's falled.
Especially that Coyote Ugly theme.
It's no use, this place is finished.
Quagmire, go get the "For Sale" sign.
Hey, Horace, what the hell's this? It's a karaoke machine.
I never got around to installing it.
A karaoke machine? Wait a minute, that's it.
We'll turn this place into a karaoke bar.
Oh, man, that's the best idea since they faked the moon landing.
Okay, cut.
NeiI Armstrong.
Wait a minute.
You're supposed to be on the moon.
I just saw it on TV.
There's a tape delay.
And solar winds Peter, take a look at your daughter.
Oh, my God, Lois, I'm sorry.
It was 20 years ago.
- I'd never even heard the word "rubber" - Peter, this is Meg.
Oh.
I got a makeover, Dad.
Don't I look great? Meg, honey, I always thought you were beautifuI just the way you God, couldn't do that with a straight face.
Welcome to the family, sweetheart.
Chris, go burn all Meg's old pictures.
There's got to be a morning after We're moving closer to the shore I know we'll be there by tomorrow And we'll escape the darkness We won't be searching anymore Thank you very much.
I don't understand it.
This place should be jumping.
Well, we just need to kick it up a notch.
Horace, hit it.
Just a small town girI Living in a lonely world She took the midnight train Going anywhere Peter, don't make me do Just a city boy Born and raised in South Detroit He took the midnight train Going anywhere Oh, God, I love this song.
And I love it when amateurs sing the Iyrics.
But I hate baseball cards.
Some will win Some will lose Some were born to sing the blues The movie never ends It goes on and on Hey, that's Journey.
Kickass! Howard! That is Journey.
Streetlight people Get some! Get some! Guys, we were freaking electric.
Yeah, they loved us.
Gentlemen, this is a sign.
We are gonna start our own rock band.
Who's with me? I'm in.
Looks like the guys are gonna form a rock band.
Maybe they'll learn a little something.
Stick around, you just might learn something, too.
You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots at a karaoke bar, doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band.
Brian, you're just ants at a picnic.
We're gonna be awesome.
Wait.
What am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I'm ants at a picnic? all right.
Just making sure.
Sorry I'm late, fellas.
CooI, Glenn.
You look just like Tommy Lee.
Well, I figured it'd be appropriate since I just found out I got hepatitis.
You know, maybe we should have decided on outfits that matched.
Now we all look like a bunch of queers.
Fellas, it doesn't matter what you wear as long as you play kickass rock and roll and do this with your tongue.
- Am I right, Gene? - You got that right, Pete.
Oh, my.
Hi, Gene.
I didn't know you were here.
all right.
Keep it in your mouth, rock star.
- Great job getting hot, Meg.
- Gee, thanks.
- Hey, Meg.
- Hi, Craig.
Now that you're attractive, how about we go out sometime? Gosh, I'd love to.
Great, I'll pick you up whenever I feeI like it.
Hey, Meg.
We noticed Craig Hoffman just asked you out.
That makes you cooI.
Wanna hang out with us? - Sure.
- Hey, I'm here to pick you up.
Here we are, fellas.
Our first major gig.
Peter, this is a house of corrections.
You gotta start somewhere, fellas.
That's how you evolve.
Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay.
Look what happened by accident.
I hear there's a lot of buzz about this band.
Yeah, there was a pretty positive review carved in Tony's ass.
all right, kids.
Now everyone stay together.
It's very important to your father that we're here for his band's first performance.
The people who beat you are proud to present, all the way from Quahog Fat, Horny, Black and Joe.
- Hello, Cleveland! - Hello, Peter.
One, two, three, four Oh, my God, we don't know any songs.
- You suck! - Get off the stage! What do we do? I know what I'm doing.
I'm getting out of here.
How about a funny story about Lake Wobegone? It was the day of the tuna hot-dish jamboree Oh, no.
Kids, your father's in trouble.
- I'm going up there.
- I'm coming, too, Mom.
Oh, my God.
The guy behind me braided my hair.
Chris, grab a guitar.
Brian, take the drums.
Here, Stewie, play with this.
Mom, can we please just get out of here? - Oh, my God.
- Who is she? God, I could strangle her all night long.
Boy, that's not healthy, is it? That that's the first place I go to? Hit it! Cloudy skies and rain clouds Have come to stay Windy nights and sad sights Won't go away But I wanna be without a care Unicorns and butterflies everywhere Gonna buy me a rainbow Gonna wrap it up in a great big bow The time is right It's day, not night Just open up your heart It'll be all right Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow You guys were great.
My name's Jimmy lovine.
And I'd like to make you filthy rich rock stars.
Wow, you're the chairman of Interscope Records.
- What're you doing in prison? - I stomped a cat to death.
Listen, you guys got talent.
- Well, where do we sign? - Right here, on Tony's butt cheek.
And initiaI here and here.
And date.
Oh, crap.
Today's the seventeenth.
Gonna buy me a rainbow Buy me a rainbow - How was that, Dr.
Ditty? - Yo, that sounds smooth, y'all.
I just have a- God, I'm so sorry.
I keep doing that.
God, please forgive me.
I get that from my father.
He's from a different generation.
- It's- - Whatever, man.
- We cooI? We good? - Yeah, we're cooI.
Fine.
Mr.
Doctor? If you get shot in a rap feud can you perform surgery on yourself? Well, no, Chris.
My degree's in optometry.
all right, Dr.
Ditty.
I got three choices for you for the name of the band: Peter Griffin Starship, Peter Griffin and the Sunday Steppers or Testicular Sound Express.
I think the name is Meg.
- Me? Why? - Yeah, why? Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her out front, center stage.
And that's gonna make y'all billionaires because America loves hot, white jallbait ass.
Wait a minute.
That's the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about anything.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way.
Shut up, Mom, it's not your decision.
I want to be exploited.
Meg, don't you talk to me like that.
Look, Lois, I love MeaI Ticket just as much as I love Chris and Stevie but business is business.
So, let's get this show on the road, huh? Good.
Now, I just need you to sign this.
Oh, God.
Sorry.
Oh, my God.
That is not me.
That's not who I am.
I vote Democrat.
It will not happen again.
We cooI? We good? You You guys know I have no problem with black people, right? Yeah.
Sure.
You did say you hated Crooklyn.
- Hey, Doc, you got a minute? - What you want, dog? Yeah, so, hey, check it out.
Stewie and I have been working on some stuff of our own.
And we thought there might be a place for us to sing on the next album.
Hey, cooI.
You're busy.
No sweat.
Boy, Benson was a funny show.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Well, what did he say? He said he'd think about it.
Okay, so where were we? Okay.
I want to have intercourse with you Intercourse with you Relations.
Intercourse with you - Right? - Yeah.
No, great, that sounds good.
all right, groovy.
Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse? Lois, go grab me another bag of Skittles.
- Excuse me, young lady? - Did I freaking stutter? - I said more Skittles.
- all right.
That is it, Meg.
You know, ever since you got that makeover you've developed a terrible attitude.
And all the success with the family band is only making it worse.
The family band? You know, maybe you haven't noticed, Lois, but I am the band.
- Right, Missus Wong? - Yeah, she band.
Old lady jealous.
Peter, we have to do something.
We're losing our daughter.
I'm worried about what's happening to her.
Lois, this is the kind of thing that always resolves itself if you just ignore it, all right? What's more important is we're living the sweet life.
This is even more fun than when I performed at the White House.
Mr.
President, I present to you Peter Griffin.
Okay, listen up, everybody.
I got great news.
Meg, you and your family are gonna perform on Saturday Night Live.
You mean I'm gonna get to meet John Belushi and Gilda Radner and PhiI Hartman, and Chris Farley, and Horatio Sanz? Sweet! Saturday Night Live.
I can't think of anything more exciting.
Oh, my God, a water fountain! Meg, I'm Jimmy Fallon.
It's great to finally meet you.
I'm hosting.
Why don't you come hang out in my dressing room? - What are you looking at? - Nothing.
Come on, let's go.
Peter, I'm worried about Meg.
She's spirallng out of controI.
I mean, what if she develops a coke problem? No Coke.
Pepsi.
Come on, you set me up for that one.
Wow, Jimmy.
That was everything Ladies Home JournaI said it would be.
Awesome, great, thanks.
You know, there's something I There's something I gotta tell you.
Being with you just made me feeI so Live from New York it's Saturday Night! It's Saturday Night Live.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it? - A rare miss.
- I don't think that was a sketch, Peter.
Mom, Dad, he used me for comedy.
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered in front of one-and-a-half times the Mad TVaudience? My poor baby.
My God, Lois, you were right.
Why the hell didn't I see it coming? all right, stand aside.
It's about time I did my fatherly duty.
I said "duty," but no time to laugh about it now.
Hey, everybody, it's great to be back.
So we got a great show tonight and- Hey, Fallon, say goodnight, you bum.
And this is for laughing and looking at the camera during every sketch you've ever been in.
Who do you think you are? CaroI Burnett? You think because she did it, it's okay for you? You haven't earned what she's earned, buddy.
all right, now where's the guy who slept with my daughter? I'm so glad to be the reaI me again.
It's too much work being beautifuI.
Not for me, but it's good to have you back, pumpkin.
Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Listen, thanks, everybody.
I had a great time tonight.
I want to thank Jimmy Fallon for being such a good sport.
Lois, Meg, Stewie, Brian, Chris, the guys from the prison Counting Crows.
If I'm forgetting anybody, I'm sorry.
Goodnight, everybody! Our thoughts are with you, Chevy! From the world famous Apollo Theater in Harlem it's show time at the- What? I'm tired.
It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a black show.
What? I can't be tired at 1:00 in the morning?