Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s04e04 Episode Script

Breathtaking.
Doesn't do your legs much good, either.
I wonder who's won the 3.
30.
Don't you feel any sense of humility at how impermanent we are in the face of all this grandeur? Why don't we see who can whistle the loudest with their fingers in their teeth? Oh! You don't want to waste your whistle out here in the open air.
Maybe you're right.
It's much more effective when you use it indoors, as nature intended.
That's true.
Don't encourage him! Look what it happened when you used it the last time to speed up the landlord of the Black Bull.
They threw us out.
There you are, you see.
I thought at the time, "God, that's effective.
" I don't wish to be reminded of that incident.
It's the first time a Dewhurst had been asked to leave a place of refreshment.
He didn't ask you to leave, he told you I know what he told me.
Can't you lift your mind for one moment above that kind of sordid detail? Surely there must be something in all this magnificence to interest you? The subtle colours of the hillsides.
The ever-changing panorama of the sky Arrrgh! THEY LAUGH You see? You see? He said there'd be something in all this magnificence to interest you.
Were you looking? Did you see that? I landed on the old feet, just like a leopard.
I bet you've got a few sore spots an' all.
Paratrooper's reflex.
When you've been trained like a steel blade, you you never lose that fine edge.
Would you like us to turn away, Foggy, while you have a quiet scream? COMPO IMITATES FOGGY'S GROANS Oh! Oh! I've no regrets that Foggy dragged us all that way.
You get up there amongst all that magnificent scenery, you look out over the valleys, you see Foggy falling backwards off a wall.
Suddenly, it's all been worthwhile.
HORN HOOTS That'll be Murdoch.
They're taking him back for his funeral in t'morning.
Alan Murdoch? Aye.
I see he still drives like a lunatic.
He was ready to go.
Who was? Murdoch.
Just as well, then, isn't it? Because he went anyway.
He was in here only a week before.
Don't say that, you fool! They'll think it was something he picked up in here.
I once picked up Lily Gilchrist in here.
You'd have been better off with food poisoning.
Who ordered salad? He never looked quite right in his uniform, Murdoch.
Some people never quite achieve the military finesse.
Especially when they work as a lollipop man.
I was thinking of war.
Aren't you going to finish your tea first? I was thinking of when Murdoch was called to the colours in 1940.
Our kid were called more than once.
Called more than once? Well, they used to call with these two socking great military policeman with red hats.
Typical, isn't it? Typical! Yes, but their kid was inspired by the Prime Minister's speeches.
No sooner had he heard the words, "We shall fight them in the hedgerows," than they found their kid struggling gamely in a hedge bottom with a huge lady from the ATS.
They were engaged.
And we know what at, don't we? Well, that's the way it was in wartime.
You had to snatch a bit of pleasure as it passed.
SHE SCREAMS I know about the snatching system.
She lives in dread of being caught with me hand under her counter.
Will you shut your big mouth? Whose fault is it? The wives round here make love as if it's shoplifting.
Get out of here.
Get out, get out! What did I say? THEY ARGUE BEHIND THE DOOR What are you doing? Come away from that door! Come away from that door at once.
Have consideration for other people's privacy.
It's just getting interesting.
Will you sit down?! Do you realise, there up the hill, that's the first time that Murdoch's ever passed us without raising two fingers? You must not allow yourself to become a slave to an inferior little impulse like curiosity.
Oh, I don't mind being inferior.
It's better than being in Lancashire.
It is all a question of exerting the power of the will.
Maybe it's nothing personal.
Maybe Murdoch stopped waving at everybody.
The will must be exercised until it becomes master of all the impulses.
Beep! Beep! Oh, put that thing away! THEY LAUGH By 'eck, Foggy, it's marvellous how you master the impulse not to leap back and shout, "Put that thing away.
" Here you are, my little beauty.
Have a little nibble at that.
There we are.
You're not going round lopping the heads off flowers, are you? Who are you, Percy Thrower's hit man? It's already dead.
But is it? Well, of course it is.
It's been dug up, hasn't it?! But Murdoch's dead, and they're are just about to dig him IN.
Well, he's better dressed than he used to be.
That's not Murdoch! Don't look owt like Murdoch.
Well, you don't suppose he has managed to talk anyone into changing places, do you? You know what's wrong, don't you? Of course we know what's wrong, he's dead.
No, what's wrong is his tie is not straight.
Oh, I think it would be more than that, Foggy, I don't suppose that killed him.
Well, straighten it.
Er No, it was just an observation.
Oh, all right, I'll straighten it.
Come out! Look, do you want it straightened or don't you? It's not up to us.
It's no good waiting for Murdoch to do it.
I think I'd rather remember him with his tie not straight.
Yes, I don't suppose it will matter, just this once.
Just one thing.
What? When I'm dead, will you make sure that nobody as scruffy as me comes to my funeral? Hey! Good of you to come.
It's only proper, Annie.
He knew he were dying, you know.
Really? Oh, aye.
I telled him.
"You needn't think you're getting over this one," I said.
"I've seen it all before.
" And I had.
With my sister's husband.
"She'd tell you just the same," I said.
And no doubt she did.
Oh, aye.
Oh, yes.
Lot of empty vases in the cafe now, are there? Couldn't you do better than that? Listen, if Murdoch's got any complaints, he can change 'em.
You are supposed to write a card as well.
Greenfly.
You mustn't despise his flowers, Foggy.
Plants are sensitive things.
You can hurt their feelings.
Scientists have discovered that they respond to fear and affection.
You give me a bunch of flowers and a few twigs and I can transform a squad of fighting men beyond all recognition.
Even in the bright sunlight the trained infantryman can melt into his background like What's so interesting about a bunch of flowers? Did you see that? See what? They flinched.
Who flinched? The flowers.
One loud, thoughtless word from you and they flinched.
How do you mean, they flinched? Well, they went like, er Rubbish! One uncomplimentary word from you and they all shrank into themselves, all hurt and introspective.
He does talk some fanny! "All hurt and contraceptive"! What did I say that was uncomplimentary? "What's so "What's so interesting about a bunch of flowers?" you said, in a loud, military voice developed on the battlefields of Europe.
Yeah, and the Middle East.
I intended no criticism.
Just that you can't remove all traces of command overnight.
I sometimes wonder if the old war horse can ever really settle down to this placid grazing in civilian pastures.
What a load of conkers! He were only a corporal sign-writer! Well, you try doing classical Roman capitals under shot and shell.
There's only one thing I have got to say to thee and that's Argh!! You've done it now.
You feel them, they've gone completely tense.
Did they flinch again? Well, you'd have missed it if you weren't watching carefully.
It's not as if they're an excitable species.
Placid by nature.
Yes.
Notorious for hiding its emotions, is the marigold.
Is it? Yes.
Well, they are British, you know.
If it's sheer plant hysteria you're looking for, you've got to get yourself a vase of that exotic sub-tropical rubbish, you know, especially that variegated variety that's all wind and pistols I didn't see it move.
Did you see it move, Foggy? No.
It's not the kind of thing a trained sniper would miss.
Well, it was mainly this fellow here, but the one next to him has a rather more rugged personality Gentlemen, please.
We have a temperamental marigold in here.
No, not him.
A flower.
One word out of place and we could have pollen all over the place.
A SNEEZE BUILDS Ah-choo! .
.
his great mercy to take unto himself the soul of our dear brother here departed.
We therefore commit his body to the ground earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ who shall change our vile body that it may be like unto his glorious body, according to the mighty working, whereby he is able to subdue Thank you, Padre.
Very nice, Vicar, thank you.
How do you, Vicarage? Well, I don't reckon owt to funerals.
BANGS ON COUNTER I want to celebrate being alive.
I want to feel the blood rushing through me wellies.
I want to do something memorable to Nora Batty.
Come on, let's have a bit of service in here.
Where are you? Do you mind? Can't you attract their attention more politely? All right, you do it.
Oh, dear.
Ahem! Ahem! Shop, please.
"Ahe-he! Ahe-he-he! Shop!" You big 'nana! Come 'ere.
If you want service, press the bell.
That's what it's there for.
All right.
It don't work.
How do you know? You can't hear it.
But you can hear it in there! How do you know? Well, if they couldn't hear it in there, they wouldn't answer it, would they? It's like the light in a refrigerator.
The what? If you're not inside the refrigerator, you don't know whether the light goes off when you shut the door.
You want to be in a refrigerator? It's the bell, Foggy.
The bell, the bell, it doesn't work.
See, look.
Well, perhaps it does work.
But it doesn't work, you big trollop.
Look! There.
Come here.
Come away from that door! Come away from that door, will you?! Knock it down, why don't you?! Perhaps you'd like me to dismantle the place, so you can lay it out on the road and run over it with a lorry.
Tell her it wasn't me banging.
Well, don't talk to me, I'm just waiting for the bus.
If you want service, ring the bell.
Well, we rang the bell.
Well, I never heard it.
What did I tell ya? We rang it.
Oh, God, the battery's flat.
Well, all we want's a bit of service.
Ring the bell and wait.
Until they get another battery! All we want's three cups of tea.
Look, you can bear testimony, can't you? It wasn't me banging.
You can be witness.
A witness against a Simmonite? You're asking me to be a witness against a Simmonite? Doesn't he know how big your Eric is in bone-crushing circles? Big? The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
And our Eric's got a long way to fall, mate, I tell ya.
Up here And that's just his left leg! You've heard of Bonnie and Clyde? Well, Eric's more your ugly and Clyde.
Oh, who's been stirring up my missus? Look, all I need for the completion of my domestic harmony is some long gangling twollop upsetting my wife! Why me? Has it occurred to you you might be mistaken? Every two hours for the past 25 years.
How many times have I told you to get a new battery for that bell?! As I recall, that's the first time, my love.
Well, don't be all day about it, or they'll knock the door down.
I can see, even from here, that you've got some individual baked fruit pies.
We're trying a new line.
So am I, with Nora Batty.
Oh, aye? Yeah, well, I weren't getting anywhere with the old one.
No, I tell a lie, there were that one magical night when we had a power cut and I blew out her candle.
Oh, yes, and what's this new approach, then? I don't see why I should furnish you with all my trade secrets.
How do I know that you won't all rush away and have your way with her? Oh, that's a fair question.
She's foul-tempered.
And horrible.
And that's a fair answer.
Ah, but she has a kind of weathered beauty.
Oh, yeah? You know how beautiful the old public wash houses look in the moonlight and you wonder maybe if there is a God after all.
And suddenly, for a few minutes, you want to do something reckless, like comb your hair or wash your feet.
Well, that's all I want to be with Nora.
But I've been romancing her all this time and it's got me nowhere.
Romancing her, he says.
You haven't got a romantic bone in your body.
All right then, come on, tell us, for what professional reasons did thee remain a bachelor? I came to the conclusion there was no place in marriage for a professional fighting man.
There's a place in my marriage for one.
Look at him, look at him! He wouldn't know what to do with a bird.
What we're interested in is, what are you doing with this new approach to Nora Batty? It won't be anything as constructive as smartening yourself up or having a shave? Women like the untamed look today, buddy.
He looks like an ancient Sex Pistol.
Wait, now, can I have your attention, please? Huh? HE HITS TEACUPS WITH SPOON I think I may be getting through.
What's up with him? Sad, in't it? I think funerals upset him.
Mind you, by that look on Murdoch's face, I don't think it were doing him much good either.
He's read somewhere that scientists have discovered that plants can show signs of fear or pleasure.
They laughed at Galileo.
I should think they did laugh at Galileo if he was playing teacups to a bunch of daisies.
It's no good.
Hey, who's gonna wash this lot up? That's like asking Liberace to powder his own piano.
No, you can't really pluck at the heartstrings with just six chipped cups.
We need something more musical Don't we, fellas, eh? Here we are, then.
Ha! Yes.
An enchanted, quiet spot for practising on borrowed instruments.
It's ridiculous.
I don't think I know that, how does it go? This whole experiment is ridiculous.
RECORDER SQUEALS Will you put that away? I only just took it out.
The sooner we become proficient in one simple melody, the sooner we can get back to the cafe and continue with the experiment.
Yes, well, at least I'm glad to see you've had the tact and discretion to choose a place free from prying eyes.
Look, wrap your lips round that flute and shut your gob! Thank you, Sir Malcolm Sargent.
All right then, trio.
One, two, three, four.
THEY PLAY GREENSLEEVES STILTEDLY Well, come along, that man.
Hang about, hang about, I'm waiting to ignore Nora Batty.
Ignore her? Yes.
That's me new approach.
I come out and I give her her daily dose of ignoring.
Is it working? Its driving her crackers.
This could be very interesting.
I think I'll have a little blow of my recorder.
I like to have a little toot on me recorder now and again.
Not too much, just a a little toot.
# Some enchanted evening # You may see a # DOOR SHUTS She's putting a damn good face on it, isn't she? Get stuffed! We'd better catch him up.
I never liked to leave a disappointed man with a loaded recorder.
Do what? It's alright you scoffing but ask yourselves this, what makes certain farmers play romantic music to their milk cows? Extreme loneliness? Rubbish.
Soothing music increases the milk yield.
I still don't see the point of warbling at a daisy.
I mean, even if he did learn how to milk a daisy, would there be any demand for it? All right, all right.
I can see that you don't believe that these very attractive plants will respond to music.
Highly unlikely.
Life is full of rich surprises, Foggy.
Not civilian life.
Oh, I miss the raw excitement of battle.
You wanna try that last bus from Huddersfield.
You can't go through life with a closed mind, Foggy.
Well, you don't make corporal without a wide intellectual curiosity.
I was thinking last night, when I was mending your vest, how the years go by.
How soon it is when the man you married when he was young and stupid turns out to be quite old and stupid! Did you get that battery for the bell?! Yes, I did, my beloved.
# Oh, my beloved! # Oh, give over! Calm yourself down.
Come on, come on, sit down.
Sit down.
Oh, I knew it wouldn't be long before the Fuhrer took over.
Heil.
Now, stage one.
Before we play music to the flowers we have to get them into the right frame of mind.
Now, please raise your index fingers, sometimes known as the forefingers.
No.
Two fingers are not an acceptable substitute for the forefinger.
He means the first or index finger.
I know! Not the one you scratch with, the one you poke your ear with.
I've got it now.
I know, we've seen you scratching it.
He's had that for some while.
Yes.
Well, now, stage two Extend the index finger gently in the direction of the flowers, until it rests with a feather-light touch upon the head of an individual bloom.
Well, come on, get on with it.
Right, now what do we do? Smile.
You what? Smile! It's no good sitting there frightening them to death.
Now I want you to clear your minds of all hostile thoughts.
What a load of Especially that one.
Right, well, what do we do now? Begin stroking.
You what?! Start stroking it.
Stroking what? That delicate little head that your finger was resting on, start stroking it.
What for? How else is it to believe that you're fond of it? How else are you to win its trust and affection? You see, we live in a mysterious universe.
We have to go through life with that attitude of quiet expectancy which belongs to the motorist parked on a double yellow line.
Thank you, thank you.
Stage three I will have a little bet with you all, right now, that if we all play together Play together? Give over! If we play music to the flowers together Ah A little bet A little bet That if we combined the power of our recorders and aim the full melodious force of the music at these shy little blooms, then I will bet you all £1 that you will all be in for a surprise and .
.
a shock.
You give us a pound if we play at them flowers and nothing happens? Done.
Oh, don't waste your money, Clegg.
Hang on, prawn face.
It's a free country.
If he wants to waste his money, that's his democratic right.
Lend us a quid.
Right, what are we gonna play? Greensleeves.
Oh, his signature tune, eh? It's gotta be done with feeling.
I have a feeling somebody's crackers round here.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Now, if we get no reaction from them, we win a quid? Correct.
Unless there is a definite reaction which surprises you all, you all win £1.
Now, are we all ready? Oh, yes, we are ready.
Keep your eyes on the flowers, and wait for the reaction.
One, two, three, four.
THEY PLAY GREENSLEEVES BADLY What the devil are you doing now?! Have you seen yourselves, three grown men?! I could get you certified, no bother! As for you, you weak-brained I knew you'd be up to something, but I never dreamed that I'd find you tootling in concert to a vase of flaming daisies! Greensleeves, if you will!? You sit there tootling and they knock the place down!