Mike & Molly s04e04 Episode Script

It's fun going grocery shopping together.
Yeah, I love this! You know, you could have just stayed home and watched a football game.
Could I, Molly? Could I? Oh, my God, I think that's J.
C.
Small.
Who's J.
C.
Small? Janice Corb Small.
She wrote Misbegotten Summer.
The book defined my teenage years.
Huh.
Mine were defined by a Pirelli Tire calendar.
It was June before I could say good-bye to Miss January.
I'm not sure if it's her.
She's a bit of a recluse.
J.
C.
! Did she look? Did she look? I wasn't watching.
We got a hinky wheel.
It wants to go left every time.
See? Look.
Shh.
Shh-shh! Come here.
Is that who you're talking about? Stop pointing! What are you doing? Come here.
Okay, should I go in and say something to her? You'll regret it if you don't.
I peed next to Mike Ditka at Taste of Chicago.
All I could do was stare at his Super Bowl ring.
I think I kind of creeped him out.
I'm going.
I'm gonna go for it.
Oh, vodka, vodka, vodka, huh? So many choices of vodka.
Ooh, have you ever had this brand? I've had 'em all.
Do you have a favorite brand? I love 'em all equally.
I know who you are! Terrific.
Yeah.
See ya.
Yeah, see ya.
Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait, Ms.
Small, I have to, I have to tell you that Misbegotten Summer changed my life.
Well, thank you.
That's very kind.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Could you get your hand off my cart? Yeah, since I have you, can I just ask if you have any little piece of advice for an aspiring writer? Mm! Uh, sure.
Grow up in a household of abusive alcoholics.
God, my mom's kind of a happy drunk! Well, give her time.
We all start off happy.
You know what? If you really want to be a writer, maybe you should just go home and write.
"Go home and write.
" Go home and write.
Wow, it's so simple, it's profound.
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
Wow.
You're welcome.
You're so welcome.
Yeah.
Move.
I will.
Thank you.
Oh, my cart does the same thing! It does! Did you see that? Did you see this? Free cheese! La, la-dee-dee-da La, la-dee-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love I see love.
Now this'll just take a minute.
I want to make sure my mom's okay.
Well, why-why wouldn't she be? One of her bingo friends died yesterday.
Aw, that's sad.
Yeah, she just won a HoneyBaked ham, too.
Well, she went out a winner.
What? What do you mean, "What"" You don't return my calls.
I'm worried about you.
Nothing to be worried about.
Come on in.
I got ham.
I do love bingo ham.
Why is it so dark in here? I'm practicing for when I'm dead.
Ma, don't be that way.
Nobody gets out of here alive, Mikey! She's fine.
Here.
Eat it before it rots.
A fate that awaits us all.
So true, so true.
You got mustard? Carl! Ma, you can't give in to this depression.
I know you miss your friend.
Friend? I couldn't stand that godless whore.
Well, if you hated her so much, why are you upset? Sat next to her at bingo for 12 years.
Never had a kind word to say to each other.
Last night, right before she died, she took my hand, looked into my eyes and said, "You're next.
" Well, I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it.
Really? Sounded kind of specific to me.
Carl! Why don't you come over for dinner on Sunday? It'll cheer you up.
Uch! Those people are awful.
What time? Oh! Well, there's a cry for help.
Hang on, Calvin! I got some other bottles for you! Oh, you're not my homeless guy.
No, I'm not.
I'm Molly from yesterday.
The supermarket.
You told me to go away and leave you alone.
How the hell did you find out where I live? Well, I may have followed you home, but not in a stalkery way.
Like a kind of "I'm your biggest fan!" kind of way.
Which is a little stalkery, but I'm just gonna, I'm gonna stop saying stalkery.
So wait, wait! Come on! I took your advice.
I stayed up all night writing, and I just want you to take a look at it and tell me if I'm wasting my time! You're wasting your time.
Oh! Ow! God! Get your foot out! You ruined my system.
Come on.
I know it's a lot to ask, but I-I just want to be able to say one thing to try to convince you that I really want to be a writer.
One thing.
That's the thing.
Is this really necessary? After I saw the pitiful state your mom was in, I got worried.
Grandma! That music's awful loud.
I mean, if she fell or had a heart attack, nobody could hear her yell for help.
Take it easy.
You take it easy.
Last time we talked, it was a fight.
Last time you talked to anybody, it was a fight! Grandma! Can I help you? What is going on? I'm out here knocking like a crazy person.
Sorry, we saw the police car.
We didn't know it was you.
"We" who? Some members of our sister church are visiting from Uganda.
And damn if those Africans don't know how to party.
Party? It's 11:00 a.
m.
Not in Africa.
Let's go, Carl.
Bye, Nana.
Enjoy your party.
Okay.
Oh this is awkward.
Samuel, what the hell are you doing here? Come on in, child.
I got a lot of good Christian African girls waiting to meet you.
I love your grandmother.
How are you gonna invite him to the party but not your own grandson? I like him better.
Huh.
Is that-Is that like a Hmm? or like a Huh! I'm gonna, I'm gonna just stop.
You I'm gonna let you read.
I'm done.
And? Loved it.
No! Oh, yeah.
Your use of language is a cross between Virginia Woolf and early Dean Koontz.
I knew it.
Oh, my God, what do I do now? I mean, do I get an agent? Oh, I gotta get a publisher.
No, you don't have to do anything.
With writing that good, they're gonna find you.
Oh, my God! That's awesome! Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I want a big, big thank you on that dedication page Okay.
all right? Okay.
All right.
All right.
Bye.
You're not, you're not just saying it's good to get rid of me? No Okay, I am not leaving until you give me your honest opinion.
You don't want it.
I gave up everything to be a writer.
Oof.
Okay, it can't be that bad.
Did you read it? Of course I read it.
I wrote it.
Well, that's the problem, you wrote it.
You didn't live it.
There's nothing real in those pages.
Nothing.
Are you kidding?! What could be more real than a young Punjabi boy struggling in the slums of Mumbai?! The opening paragraph was the worst writing I've ever read.
If I could gouge out my eyeballs and stuff them up my ass so I never had to read those words again, I would do so.
So are you, are you saying cut the first, cut the first paragraph? I am saying Oh, God, it drives me crazy, people that think they're writers just 'cause they have a fancy laptop and a cushy seat in Starbucks.
Hey, for your information, my laptop is running Windows '95.
And I wrote this at my mom's kitchen table because I still live with her.
How old are you? Like, early, middle-late, late-early 30s.
And you are still living with your mother? Not in a weird way.
I'm with my husband and her husband and my sister.
Well, for God's sake, forget about Mumbai! Write about your own pathetic life.
Right! God, you're good! I mean, I got tons of pathetic! You've gotta dig deep.
You know, people say that you should write about what you know, but that's bull.
You want to write what you don't want people to know.
Okay, hang on, hang on.
"Don't want" Want people to know.
Ooh, ooh! People to know.
"people to know.
" That's right.
So I don't want to see your face again till you bring me something deep, something good, something real, and a bigger bottle of vodka.
Okay, so no, no face, bigger bottle.
Okay.
All right.
Write.
Write.
Right.
Oh, right.
Write.
Okay.
Oh, wait-wait-wait.
Um, actually, sorry.
I don't know how this got in there, but it's I didn't think you were gonna let me Get out! Okay.
It was amazing.
She completely dismantled me.
Just tore me down.
And the next minute, built me right back up.
You know, it takes them six months to do that to a Marine.
She did it to me in one bottle of vodka.
So she likes your story? No, hated it with every fiber of her being.
Okay, I'm confused.
Why are you happy? Because she told me exactly what I have to do to become a better writer.
I have to dig deeper.
Where? Here and he.
And all up in here.
Did you ever wonder why we still live with my mother? Every day.
I mean, I used to think it was because we couldn't afford a place of our own.
Well, we can't.
You quit your job and we have a ton of credit card debt.
I'm talking emotionally.
Numbers mean nothing.
It's six maxed-out cards.
That's about 80 grand away from nothing.
Well, I I need to start asking the hard questions.
I mean, why am I still in O.
A.
? Why is Victoria a pothead? And whatever really happened to weird Uncle Frankie? You had a weird Uncle Frankie? I had a weird Uncle Frankie.
Yeah, mine had a wonky eye and drove this beat-up old Cadillac.
So did mine.
Okay, that's enough questions for tonight.
Yeah.
I love this Zumba.
Doesn't feel like a workout.
It's more like we're dancing at a club.
All that's missing is a coked-up Persian trying to give me a ride home.
Hey, sweetie.
Care to get your Merengue on? Um, not really, I got a lot on my mind right now.
Want to talk about it? Yeah, actually, I do.
Think that could be really helpful.
Okay, uh I've been, I've been thinking a lot about my childhood lately.
What the hell you doing that for? Because when your mentor tells you to "dig deep," by God, you dig deep.
And dig deep.
Well, for the most part you were a happy kid.
Yeah? Really? Well, almost too happy.
For a while there we thought you were one of those slow kid Always smiling, hugging strangers.
You'd sit in the backyard for hours just eating dirt.
You let me, you let me eat dirt? Like, like dirt dirt? The body knows what it needs.
The thing I feel really bad about is the dog.
Monroe? Yeah.
We got rid of him 'cause we thought he was the one making all the holes in the yard.
You told me he got hit by a car.
Well, if I said he was living on a farm, you'd want to go visit him.
Well, then, who did we bury in the box? That horrible doll that wouldn't quit asking for its mama.
You killed Sleepy Time Baby Girl? Hey, Ma.
You feeling better today? I put the potatoes in the oven and not my head.
So there's that.
There's that great suicide-based sense of humor.
I'll go heat these up.
Hey! Mother Biggs.
What's going on? My friend died.
You had a friend? My condolences.
Bit of a cold snap we're having, huh? Don't feel you need to make conversation on my account.
Good, 'cause that kind of tapped me out.
The more I dig, the clearer it becomes.
My mother ruined my childhood.
What are you talking about? You turned out fine.
Yeah, did I, Mike? Did I? I was gonna say yes, but you asked twice.
So now I'm rethinking my answer.
I thought you wanted to dig up some dirt.
I did.
But I didn't think I'd be the one eating it.
I mean, who knows what else she's been lying about? I mean, she told me I had to quit tap-dancing after I got my period because she said it would scramble my ovaries.
Is that true? I don't know! I don't know anything anymore.
I mean, I don't know, am I even really allergic to mushrooms? I Probably not, here.
Well, I No, nothing.
No, I'm getting it.
Do you need a Benadryl or something? Here, here, here, here, here, here.
Down, down, down, down.
Oh, oh, okay, okay, okay! Okay, everybody.
Let's eat.
Dear Lord.
We thank you for this wonderful bounty.
Tonight I ask that you hold me in your grace and not judge me because of the company I keep.
Amen.
Can you pass the rolls? Yeah, sure, can you tell me who my real father was? What are you talking about? Look at us, okay? One of these things is not like the other.
So, who's the mutt, Mom? Is her father on the farm with Monroe? Or weird Uncle Frankie? My brother Frankie? Different Frankie, Ma.
Let it go.
m, what's she talking about? I have no idea.
I was faithful to your father.
That sweet angel was cold in the ground before I got back on that horse.
Yeah, or under it.
Hey! I was still a young woman.
What was I supposed to do, put a cork in it? I saw that once in Tijuana.
Pass the green beans.
And what about my issues with food? Or the-the fact that I still live here? Or my poor choices in men? Hey! Not you.
The chorus line of gay guys before you.
Okay, that's fair.
Okay, it all traces back to one little redhead.
Who I don't look like, and neither does she.
Are you my mother?! Oh, shut up! No, we're not gonna shut up! We've been silent too long! The only time you've been silent is when you had dirt in your mouth.
Why'd you think I let you eat half the backyard? Because you were drunk! 'Cause you were a pain in the ass! Yeah, did you ever ask why? You want to know why?! Screw you, that's why! You threw a roll at me? Couldn't reach the potatoes! Yeah? Well, let me help you! Hey, hey, hey! I haven't had any yet.
Aah! What did I do? You married her and you won't get her out of the house! It's 'cause she's horrible with money! Hey! You stay out of this! Well, what about me?! I'm part of this family, too! Aren't I?! Shut up! Oh, my Damn it, I choose life! Help! God, it was awful.
My whole family hates me.
Mm.
Congratulations.
That's the first step in becoming a real writer.
I haven't talked to my family in four books.
Oh, God, that's so sad.
Mm.
No, it's much better to be loved by millions of readers than six people who happened to fall out of the same vagina.
Big family.
Big vagina.
Yeah, I just, you know, the thing is I I kind of love my family.
I thought you wanted to be a writer? Oh, I do.
Well, then this is your new family.
It may not have much personality, but it won't molest you when you get your boobies.
Oh, God! Sorry.
That's all right, I mean, everybody's got a weird uncle, right? I don't know, I'm just not really that comfortable airing my family's dirty laundry.
Aw, you know what? We don't have to talk about it anymore.
I mean, you've had a pretty rough day.
Yeah.
You should just relax.
You got potato in your hair still.
Oh, I know.
Oh, my God.
Look at that.
Look at that sweet face.
Oh, my.
There it is.
Okay, yup, yup.
Little dimples there! Aw! Yup, yup.
Look at that Yes, thank you.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Well, you know, if you wanted to clean up, we could take a bath.
You know, the thing is I'm-I'm really, uh, kind of a home showerer.
Hungry eyes Did I take you by surprise You know, Flynn, I think that you have real potential.
I'm feeling like you've got those hungry eyes, yeah.
Oh You know, it's getting pr pretty late and I don't want to I don't want to put you out or anything Just don't talk.
I Do not talk.
Oh, gosh, am I am I in your chair? Let me There we go, that's that's better.
Now, I know why you followed me home the other day.
Oh, God, I should I should be getting back to my police officer husband who knows exactly where I am.
No, I think you should just stay right here.
And I'm gonna run up and get us a couple of kimonos.
Okay.
Oh! I like to get that out of the way.
Nope.