Rules of Engagement s04e04 Episode Script

I'm glad you guys introduced us to Ethiopian food.
And now that I've met Ethiopian food, it's time to say goodbye forever.
It feels like it's gonna be a long goodbye.
I'm re-thinking opening this door.
Why don't you come over for dessert? Oh, we'd love to.
Good call, honey.
Coffee or Oh, my God.
Wow.
You guys are pigs.
I don't believe this.
We've been robbed.
Wait, the window.
Adam, did you leave it open? Did you? No.
Then yeah, I did.
Wait, wait.
What if they're still here? You guys stay here and we'll go check it out.
Hey, honey, I'm home from the kung-fu studio.
Yeah, and I'm home from gun practice.
Good.
Now they think we're a super-violent gay couple.
Get in there.
I am so freaked out.
Has anything like this ever happened to you? Uh, one time at work, someone stole a yogurt with my name on it right out of the fridge.
So no.
Well, it's all clear.
I checked your underwear drawer.
Your jewelry is still there.
I checked it too.
He's right.
So, what did they take? I don't know, it doesn't look like anything.
Maybe when we came in we scared them off.
Hm.
I don't think so.
I mean, whoever did this had time to make toaster waffles and watch 27 Dresses.
Oh, that was me.
I took a personal day.
Well, I guess we got off pretty lucky, huh? I guess.
Or you could that say we don't have anything worth stealing.
Huh.
All of your stuff stinks.
No, hold on, Jen, they did take something.
That bowl that was on the table.
The ceramic one with the turquoise? Uh, actually th-that's our bowl.
We bought it in New Mexico.
Wait, that cost 180 bucks.
Yes, I know, we brought over spinach dip once and they never returned it.
Oh.
Bad news, guys.
Someone stole your bowl.
# How many ways To say, "I love you?" # # How many ways To say that I'm not scared? # # With you by my side # # There is no denyin' # # I can't wait For me and you # Jeff.
Jeff, wake up.
What? What? Is it the burglar? Can you handle it? No, it's not that.
Listen, something just happened.
Something really intense.
Really incredible.
You're welcome.
Awake or asleep, Daddy knows what Mommy likes, huh? I am serious.
I really need to talk to you.
Okay.
Okay, now first you have to promise not to laugh.
Oh, you didn't wake me up to try on those bike shorts again, did you? No, this is serious.
All right, I promise I won't laugh.
Okay.
I just saw my grandmother's ghost.
Do you mind if I go laugh in the can? I know.
I know it sounds unbelievable.
But I just saw my Grandma Shirley at the foot of our bed.
She was there, she was wearing this garnet dress with this beautiful brooch she used to let me play with when I was a kid.
Gosh, she looked so lovely and peaceful, with this sweet smile on her face, like she was really happy to see me.
Probably just psyched to be out of the urn.
I'm sorry, go on.
I just I always felt so bad I didn't make it home to see her before she died, but now I feel like it's okay.
You really saw her? I did.
It wasn't like a very real dream? Like the one I had where me and Lee Majors were tracking Bigfoot? No.
No, no, I was awake.
I was sitting up.
She was right there.
It was real.
Huh.
Do you believe me? Yeah, I do.
I believe you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I'm here for you.
I feel so close to you right now.
Hm.
Hey, Grandma Shirley isn't still here, is she? I'm about to take off my bottoms.
Sir? I spoke to your gym, but they maintain their stance you must participate in the cardie hip-hop class, you cannot just sit and watch.
Call my lawyer.
I contacted the accounting firm across the street, but sadly no one could put me in touch with "the stacked lady in the pink thing.
" What?! She's right there.
Pointing at me and closing the blinds.
And, sir, finally here are all the bathing suit images of the French actress Audrey Tautou.
Yeah.
Whoo! Oh, yeah.
Oh.
See, this is one classy girl.
Ooh.
Bonjour, side boob.
Merci cup.
Heh-heh.
Good job, Timmy.
I tell you what, take an extra fiver before you grab me my juice box.
Enormously kind of you, sir.
But, uh, in lieu of your generosity today, may I instead leave early tomorrow? Early? Why? I'd rather not say.
Say.
No, thank you.
No say, no early.
No early, no say.
Sir, I really Say! If you must know, I'm meeting my fiancée at the airport.
Fiancée? Ha-ha.
Well, that's gotta be wrong.
Uh, Timmy, are you having trouble with your English words again? No, English is my first language.
Of seven.
I mean "fiancée" as in the woman I am to marry.
You're engaged? How am I just hearing about this? Surprisingly, I have some personal information that you've not yet bribed, threatened or twisted my nipple to obtain.
All right, get back here and take your shirt off.
Here we go.
It's an arranged marriage.
My parents are quite traditionally Indian.
It's part of my culture.
Not sure how I feel about this.
How big are the old fun bags? I am not as yet familiar with the old fun bags.
She's coming to visit relatives and I will meet her for the first time tomorrow.
Come on, you haven't even met her yet? My parents met on their wedding day and have been happily married for nearly three decades.
Ay, caramba.
Wow, your culture sure has its quirks.
It's bad enough they make you wear the feathery hats and talk to the eagles and stuff.
It is, in fact, not that bad, sir, because, once again, I'm not that kind of Indian! All right, you don't have to scalp me over this.
I just can't believe someone in this day and age would go through with an arranged marriage.
My marriage to Audrey was arranged.
By vodka.
I gotta find a way to show Timmy he's making a huge mistake.
I hate to see him forced to do something he doesn't wanna do.
You do that to him all the time.
I know.
The other day I made him touch a dead pigeon.
I'm just saying, this is New York.
You can't leave the window open.
I burnt my toaster waffles and I couldn't watch I can't believe we have nothing worth stealing.
It's embarrassing.
It's not embarrassing.
Yeah, it's a little embarrassing.
Why don't you just get some decent stuff? Here's an idea.
Why don't you go lay 180 bucks on an old Navajo broad and get a bowl.
Hello.
Wow, you look great.
You're glowing.
Something really incredible happened last night.
Guilty.
No, not that.
Okay, you guys, this was truly unbelievable.
It was, like, 4 in the morning and all of a sudden Audrey, I thought that was a private thing.
No, I want to share it with our friends.
And Russell.
Anyway, so I woke up and I looked at the end of my bed, and I saw my grandma's ghost.
Hm.
Wow.
Jeff, you might wanna hide the key to the booze closet.
We shouldn't make fun of her.
I met her grandma once.
If you see her again, will you tell her I said boo? I guess I should have expected this.
But I know what I saw.
Jeff believes me.
The man who's skeptical Puerto Rico is real? Yes.
Tell them.
I believe that you believe you saw a ghost.
What? We don't really know what you saw last night, do we? We don't? No.
We do not.
Look at that.
Printed in Puerto Rico.
I stand corrected.
Hey there, pumpkin.
Wow.
You look stunning.
You don't really know what I saw last night? Huh? You believe I believe I saw a ghost? I don't believe I used that tone.
Do you know how embarrassing that was for me? My own husband wouldn't even support me in front of our friends.
In my defense, you caught me a little off-guard when you told your kooky ghost story out in public.
Kooky ghost story? Again, I may be saying these things, but you're putting a lot of extra mustard on them.
So you never believed me? Well, in the moment, I guess I No.
So you just lied to, what, make me feel better and get some sex out of it? Right, because I thought seeing your dead grandmother would get you all teed up.
You are unbelievable.
I'm sorry, but I can't choose to believe something because you do.
If I said something completely crazy, would you believe me, no matter what? I would.
Well, that's just stupid.
No.
No.
You know what's stupid? Me thinking I could share something important with my husband and not feel vulnerable and ridiculed.
I am so boned if that's Grandma Shirley.
Huh? Not even close.
Hey.
Hey, you like magic? Wanna see me pull something out of my pants? Come on.
It's a scarf.
It's not a scarf.
Hey, there he is.
Have a seat.
Yes, I'm here.
What was so important? I've been thinking about your little arranged marriage thing.
Still? Yes.
I don't think you're focusing enough on what you're giving up.
I give you exhibits A, B, C, and double D.
Sir, with all due respect And frankly, I'm not sure any is due.
I understand that you're against marriage, or any arrangement God might sanction.
But I'm not you.
But you can be.
I don't want to be.
I think you do.
I truly do not.
Sir, this has been a custom in my culture for centuries.
And I will not be the first in my family to challenge that.
Oh, hey, Russell.
Hey.
What are you guys doing here? What do you mean? You're paying us 400 bucks.
And no checks this time.
Take it easy.
Hey, Timmy, I'd like you to meet my friends.
This is Monica.
Karen.
And Susan.
Jill.
It's so weird you guys are here.
I think Monica likes you.
I think she prefers Karen, sir.
Oh.
She likes the other one? Jackpot! I will not let myself be dragged down to your level.
Your life is not exactly an advertisement for happily ever after.
Good night.
Oh, so that's it? Looks like your friend's not into it.
Wanna call this off? No.
Adam, look.
Oh, my God, you're right.
My hair is nuts right now.
No, this picture.
You remember the night we met, we took that walk through Central Park, and you kissed me on the bridge? This is that picture.
Oh, yeah.
And for the record, honey, you kissed me.
I got tired of waiting for you to make a move.
Tired of waiting? I met you like Hey, let's come back tomorrow and buy it.
Really? Yeah.
We need to start accumulating some grown-up stuff.
You know, like that stupid bowl Jeff and Audrey used to have.
Yeah, we're adults.
We should start acting like it.
Starting now.
Starting now.
Audrey, Audrey.
What? What is it? I just saw her.
I saw Grandma Shirley.
Jeff! I'm serious.
She was right here, just like you described it.
With the dress and the brooch, all that old lady gear.
All right, it is one thing to make me feel bad in front of our friends.
And Russell.
But waking me up just to mock me I'm not.
I saw her, I swear.
And now I know that you saw her too.
You do? You actually saw her? Absolutely.
It's real.
I'm sorry that I didn't support you, it must've felt terrible.
Sorry.
Okay.
I accept your apology.
Thank you.
And you're not just doing this to get sex? Absolutely not.
We could still have sex just because, right? This is so exciting.
I know.
I can't wait to get home and hang it up.
Oh, wait.
Allow me.
Oh.
Thank you.
And then Adam turned around, and it was gone.
Well, look on the bright side.
That's what I've been trying to tell her.
What is the bright side? For a brief moment, you owned something worth stealing.
Oh, lookie here.
Does the fun ever start? Well, isn't this nice that everyone's here.
Jeff has something important he would like to tell you about last night.
Isn't that right, Jeff? What are you doing? If it really happened, you should have no problem telling them.
What are you guys talking about? You didn't think your act last night got you off the hook? Okay, I get it.
Well, last night I saw Audrey's grandma's ghost.
And it was scary and a little bit magical.
I know it's hard to believe, but I know what I saw.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Boy, did that just give me goose bumps.
Wait, you believe him? Um, Audrey, I don't think Jeff would lie about this.
Neither would I.
That is a freaky story, Jeff.
I'm never gonna come to your place again.
Deal.
Hold on.
I saw the same ghost, and you all made fun of me.
Audrey, don't sponge off Jeff's ghost.
It wasn't Jeff's ghost, it was my ghost.
He didn't even believe me.
If your own husband doesn't believe you, how do you expect us to? No, he is lying.
He didn't see anything.
I did.
Sour grapes.
You know, newsflash, people: Ghosts are real.
Deal with it.
My friend saw What the hell is happening here? This is terrible.
What, are they taking Trojan Juniors off the market? Nah, it's Timmy.
He's on his way to the airport.
He's about to make the worst mistake of his life.
Wait a minute.
This has been bugging me.
He's okay with an arranged marriage, so why do you care so much? It's complicated.
Okay.
Timmy.
Timmy.
Sir, what are you doing here? Listen, you're making a big mistake.
Come with me, buddy.
I'm very well aware of your feelings.
But now I'd like to meet my future bride alone.
Okay, look, Timmy, um, I haven't been totally upfront about why I'm against this.
Uh, I know I'm not exactly known as Mr.
Romantic.
Oh, I would disagree, sir.
Most women swoon when they see the "No Fat Chicks" placard on your office door.
Okay, okay.
All right, here's the thing.
I actually do believe in love.
I believe there's a special person out there for each and every one of us.
That person isn't chosen by your family.
It's chosen right here, inside.
Just kiss him already.
Get out of here, you bat.
Sir, this is your weakest ploy yet.
It's not a ploy.
Why do you think I go through so many women? Maybe it's because my Uncle Glen hugged me in the pool too much when I was a kid.
I think it's because I'm searching for that special person.
And that's kind of what you're giving up.
You're being sincere.
Yes, I am.
You deserve to find your own special person.
I Well, I've never seen this side of you before, Mr.
Dunbar, and to be honest, for the first time I think you may actually have a point.
I do.
Don't you want what everyone wants? That moment you see her, and you realize your search is over? Timmy? Huh? That's tacky.
That's an insult to bowls.
That's more of a plate, dude.
No! When are we gonna tell him we found the bowl at our place? Ah, when it stops being fun.
Heh-heh.
It is fun.