The King of Queens s04e04 Episode Script
Friender Bender
Is that Dan rather's real hair? Because it looks great.
Doug? Hmm? I'm wiped.
I am going up.
Ok.
Good night.
Ow! You shocked me.
Ok, I've been shocked before.
It doesn't hurt that much.
Take her down a notch.
Ow! What a bastard! Why'd you do that? I don't know.
For kicks.
Oh, all right.
It's on.
Oh, yeah? You wanna bring it? Come on.
You got nothin'.
I got big feet.
What's up? What's up? Yeah, yeah.
Oh yeah, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Yow! Good night.
Good night.
My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Thanks for dinner, kel'.
Yeah, it was great, baby.
Here, I'll help you, sweetie.
So, Kirby.
Word on the street is that you're havin' a birthday next week.
How old you gonna be? What? 40? 41? You know what else I heard on the street? That Carrie and I might be gettin' you the best birthday gift ever.
What is it? Ah, I could tell you, but then I gotta kill you.
You're gonna kill me? No, no, no.
No, it was just a joke, Kirby.
It was a joke.
Look--look, Spence will be here any minute.
Why don't you go get some toys ready for you guys to play with tonight, ok? Ok.
All right.
I'm not gonna kill you.
Would you leave it alone? I will.
I'm just not gonna kill him, and I want him to know it.
Hey, you guys, um, Kelly and I were thinking, instead of going to the movies like we always do, how about we go salsa dancing? What' re you tryin' to prove? I told you, Kelly! Let's get goin'.
Spence is here.
Hello.
Hey.
The baby-sitter's on the clock! Ka-kung! The spencinator's here! Oh, there he is! Ok, now that the spencinator has come to our rescue, let's get going.
Bye, Kirby.
Be good.
Hey, car', drive with me so we can keep talking.
Ok.
Bye, you guys.
He's your babysitter? You couldn't get a hot 16-year-old girl, like normal people? No.
Spence and Kirby really like each other.
Oh, really? That's great.
They still behind us? Yep.
Our wives have very different-sized heads.
Carrie, a little small.
Kelly, a little big.
But they pull it off.
See, now, if they switched heads, see, that wouldn't work at all.
Yeah.
But if they did switch heads, who would you go home with? I think you go with the head.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, you know what's comin' up? That strip club.
The coconut tiger.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's actually kind of near my route, so every afternoon, I go a little out of my way to drive by.
See, when the door is open, you can catch a little somethin'-somethin'.
Huh.
Informative.
Oh, and there it is.
The door is open.
Mmm-hmm.
Whoa.
Huh? What the hell? Hit best friend's car.
Can't look right at them.
Everybody ok? Yeah, we're fine.
Nice going, Doug.
What happened? Sorry.
It's just I was, uh I was, uh, reaching for a fig Newton, and I took my eyes off the road for a second, a fig Newton? That's all.
You had half a cheesecake at Deacon and Kelly's not 15 minutes ago.
Yeah.
15 minutes ago.
It's not so bad.
It's just a busted taillight and a little dent.
Yeah, you know what? And our car looks fine.
Don't worry, guys.
We'll pay for the damage.
Yeah, totally.
It's no biggie.
It's cool.
What you got there, kel'? What is that? A camera? Oh, this? My dad always said to take a You know, whenever there is an accident.
Wow, that came up pretty fast.
What, you got that thing strapped to your leg, or something? Hey, while--while the camera's out, um, how about one with me and Doug? Ok.
Here, uh, whoops.
That's hilarious.
Yeah.
Well, if we still want to make that movie, we should-- we should just get going.
Yeah.
I hate it when we're late.
You don't want to be late to the movies.
You're late, you never get to your seat on time.
There's a guy in front of you, he's wearing a hat, and Pfft.
I'm tired.
Oh.
Oh.
No one's ever beaten the spencinator, and they still haven't.
Ha! Spencinator, are you the strongest man in the world? Well, the world's a pretty big place, but maybe.
I'm hungry.
What do you want to eat, little man? Peanut butter and jelly.
Oh, well, ok, I'm sorry.
I can't make that because I'm allergic to peanuts, but, uh, how about a nice grilled cheese sandwich instead? What's allergic? Aller-allergic? Well, uh, that means that if--if I so much as touch a peanut, or peanut butter, or anything that even has little bits of peanuts in it, my body says, "I don't like this.
" And then my throat gets really small.
My head gets really big.
Let me see.
Well, that's not gonna happen, pal.
But what's the verdict on that grilled cheese sandwich, huh? Yay or nay? You're scared of peanuts.
Ok, I'm not scared of peanuts, I'm just allergic.
You're scared of peanuts.
You're scared of peanuts.
No, I'm not.
You're scared of peanuts.
Ok, stop it.
Ahh.
Whew.
How great is a booth? I mean, tables are fine, but a booth is like a vacation for your ass.
So, this is nice.
with you guys.
Yeah, and tonight, we didn't even ram you.
Well, there's always the drive home.
You know, speaking of ramming us, uh, we brought the quote for the work on the car so you can give it to your insurance guy.
Oh, good, good, although we weren't gonna go through our insurance.
Oh, really? No, I have so many violations, if we make another claim, they might drop us.
But the good news is, now we have a free pop at a stranger's car.
Hi, road rage.
Welcome back, old friend.
Wow.
What can I get for you folks? You happen to have $1,181 I could borrow? Sweet mama.
We're gonna need a few minutes.
Sure.
Look, I know it's a little more than we thought, but, um, it turns out the bumper was pretty screwed up, an-and underneath, near the axle, see, there was this other thing.
It's all right there, see? Signed by Rory.
So, you got this quote from the dealership, huh? Uh, yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
Just so you know, they always charge more at the dealership.
You know, you're paying for the frills, the coffee and the doughnuts and whatnot.
It's like, you know what? I'll bring my own coffee, thank you.
Just don't charge me up the wazoo.
Exactly.
Exactly.
But, you know, whatever.
Well, it's just that we've used them before, and they do really good work, you know? Uh, you know who else does a really good job is our guy over at I.
P.
S.
, Eddie, and I bet you he'd charge, like, half of this.
Yeah.
The--the thing is, the dealership is authorized.
Oh, no, it's cool.
It's cool.
I mean, we do drive on Eddie's work every day of our lives, but, you know, if he's not authorized, he's not authorized.
Whatever that means.
Yeah, but, the thing is, uh, our kids ride in that car, so we really want the work done right.
Yeah, the kids, right.
That's some precious cargo right there.
Well, you could always go through insurance.
Like we said, no can do.
Right.
Right.
So, uh, Eddie, nothin'? Oh, no.
No.
No.
It's all good.
It's all good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what? We'll just, uh, we'll just write a check.
Old checky.
R-r-rip.
Oh, you went for the dolphins on your check.
Oh.
What? W-well, actually, it's $1,181.
What'd I write? Oh, you wrote $1,118.
But you know what? I-it's no big deal.
No, no, no, no.
That's fine, you know.
We'll just write out another check.
No problem.
It's cool.
It's cool.
Hmm.
Think I'm getting onion rings.
Well, that was a creepy little dinner we had with our "best friends.
" You really learn something about people when you plow into their car.
They had to go to the dealership.
"Our kids ride in that car.
" Like all of a sudden she's "mother of the year.
" Meanwhile, she leaves her kids with Spence.
Ok.
And she left 'em with us once.
You know, it's like, "hello, social services.
" And another thing, we give 'em a $1,200 check, and when the bill comes, Deacon, who had a soup, and a Margarita, and the sizzling entree, says, "hey, let's split it.
" Split it? Total gyp! Here's the deal, honey.
You know, the next time we go out with them, I am removing all your limits.
You eat until they have to cut you out of the restaurant.
Start fittin' me for a piano box.
This is so typical.
You remember, a few weeks ago I lent Kelly that scarf? She never gave it back.
I mean, it was ugly, but still-- whoa, wait a second.
Didn't I give you that scarf? This isn't about me.
What is up with those 2? It's unbelievable.
We do them a favor by not going through insurance, and they make it out like we're the bad guys, here? And did you see that look on his face when I said: "Let's split the bill"? Like we haven't been on the losing end of that one for 7 years.
And look at this check.
Dolphins? Like she gives 2 craps about nature.
Yeah, well, those dolphins are about to swim right into our a.
T.
M.
Machine.
That's right.
Give it up.
Kirby, I'm not gonna go through this again with you tonight.
Oh, ok.
Kirby, it's time to brush your teeth and go to bed.
No.
I'm eating peanuts, and you can't stop me.
Ok, come on.
No.
Kirby, hey! That's not-- Kirby, that's not funny.
Kirby, there's peanut dust in the air now, all right? Kirb--Kirby, stop.
Kirby, the spencinator commands you stop.
You're not the spencinator, you're the scaredinator.
The scare-- oh, there is so no such thing.
Is too.
Is not.
Scaredinator.
I'm not the scaredinator.
Eat a peanut.
I can't.
Then you're not the spencinator, and I don't want you to come here anymore.
All right.
Kirby, I'm gonna level with you, ok? I live a small life.
I work in the subway.
I've been held up at 17 gunpoint times, and--and twice with a finger.
Ok, I don't have a lot of friends, and the ones that I do have, make sport of my many deficiencies.
Most prominently, my unusually wide hips.
So, when you started thinking that I was a superhero, you know, it--it meant a lot to me.
And--and I just What I'm trying to say is, I need to be the spencinator as badly as you need me to be the spencinator.
So, let's not let a little thing like a peanut, ruin that, huh? You with me, kiddo? Scaredinator.
Hey, baby.
I'm running a little late, here.
Oh, and f.
Y.
I.
, I used your toothbrush by mistake.
Ooh.
Who you oohing about? We're married.
Then why'd you say anything? You must have thought you did something wrong.
No.
I just thought you had a right to know.
So sorry my mouth repulses you.
Well, it does.
You want some breakfast, or something? You know what, I'm just gonna grab a pop-tart and eat it in the car.
Ah! Ah! No, no, no.
Last time you ate in the car, you cost us $1,200.
Also known as half our bank account.
Remember your little fig Newton? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I got news for you, Jackson.
You are banned from eating in any car, ever, for life.
Ok, you know what? You can't ban me.
I'll just grab another one and that's-- all right, give--give me the pop-tart.
No.
I'm serious, Doug.
You're done.
That's it.
Ok.
Here's the thing.
I wasn't actually reaching for a fig Newton when we had the accident.
I was-- I was trying to get a look at a strip club, so let's not blame an innocent fig Newton.
A strip club? What can you possibly see from the street? It just so happens that I saw a nipple, ok? Actually, it--it might have been a light switch or a thing on a guy's neck, but I'd like to think it was a nipple.
So you smashed our car and mortgaged our future just to see a light switch that kind of looked like a nipple? Deacon told me to look, so I looked, ok? Wait.
Wait a minute.
Deacon--Deacon told you to look? Pretty much, yeah.
Well, that's an interesting little tidbit.
How come you didn't tell me that before? 'Cause I didn't want a pop-tart before.
What difference does it make anyway? It makes a big difference.
It means the accident wasn't all your fault.
Carrie, I was still driving.
Are you familiar with the law, Doug? Only what I've learned from judge mills Lane.
Well, I happen to be a secretary at a major law firm, and d'you know what that means? Deacon made you look, so he's at fault, too.
It's called chain of causation, and it is a legal fact.
Chain of causation.
Huh.
So do you think it's fair that we pay for the whole thing? No, I do not, and I will talk to my friend Deacon when I get to work.
Now give me the pop-tart before I eat my own hand.
Hey, man.
Hey.
I-I'm a little short here.
You got a quarter on you? Thanks.
So did you get the car fixed yet? Uh, it's in the shop right now.
Ah, great.
Great.
I know, it's crazy, that accident.
El accidente.
Crazy how the whole thing happened.
Isn't it? I guess.
I mean, there I am driving along, eyes on the road, hands 10 and 2, you know, you tell me to look over at that strip club, so I look over, and Actually, it's almost like because you told me to look over, you're kind of partially to blame here.
That's kind of nutty, huh? I'm not partially to blame.
I never told you to look.
Well, you yelled, "whoa.
" Whoa is the same as "hey, look," especially when it comes to boobies.
I didn't yell, "whoa.
" I said it to myself.
Nah.
No, you said it like, "whoa!" It wasn't "whoa!" It was more like: Whoa.
Whatever.
The point is the whoa was clearly to attract my attention.
You're out of your mind, man.
Maybe, but you know what it sounds like to me? It sounds like a textbook case of chain of causation.
Chain of causation.
What is that, a legal term, Doug? That's what it is, yeah.
What does it mean? Well, what it means, is that you're the link in the chain that caused me to take my eyes off the road.
Chain of causation.
Right.
So what are you gonna do? Sue me? Well, I don't think it'll come to that.
Good.
Because I don't, uh, think you would want Kelly to find out that you go out of your way every day to drive by and look inside a strip club.
You know my marriage is still a little shaky, and you would mess with that just to collect a few dollars for an accident that you caused? Is that what you want to do, Doug? Is that how much you want to hurt me? No.
Hey, honey.
Hey, so how'd it go with Deacon? I tried.
I got nothin'.
Well, did--did you bring up the chain of causation? Yeah.
He didn't go for it.
Huh.
Actually, I, um, I talked to one of the lawyers at work today, and it turns out that I, uh, I got it pretty wrong.
Mmm.
Ok, well, we tried.
Damn it.
You know what I bet you they're doin' right now? They're sittin' there with their fixed car and safe kids, wearing my scarf, just laughing at us.
Well, their little party's about to end.
Hi.
Remember that scarf I lent you? I'm gonna need it back.
Thanks.
Oh, I--I meant to give that to you.
Ok.
Here.
I had it dry-cleaned.
Oh, did you? That was very sweet.
Thank you.
Ok, Kirby.
What's Kirby-ish? I'm Kirby.
I'm turnin' 6.
What do I want? Here.
Get him this.
He'll love it.
Ok.
That's a pricing gun.
Well, honey, I don't know.
Just pick something.
I want to get out of here.
Well, we gotta get him something nice.
I told him we'd get him something nice.
Well, I'm sorry.
It's hard to pick out a great gift for a kid whose parents bitch-slapped you out of everything you have in checking.
Well, we probably shouldn't take it out on Kirby.
He didn't do anything to us.
He's their evil spawn.
Ok.
You-you're lookin' a lot like this right now.
That's what I'm gettin' from you, ok? I'm gettin' this.
Ok? All right, look, the point is we--we hit their car.
All right, and we paid for the damage.
That's all that really happened.
No.
She also dry-cleaned my scarf against my will.
Look.
I have tickets to the knick game this Saturday, and I really want to go with Deacon.
Actually, Deacon has the tickets.
I just want to go.
The point is, I--I just want to be friends with them again, don't you? Yeah, I do.
I just-- I just-- can't get past this.
I-I-it's like losing all your money in Atlantic city.
You know it's not their fault, but you still want to burn the place down.
Shh.
We're not gonna burn anybody down.
Fine.
I'll let it go.
Or not.
Look what we have here.
I'm glad this whole accident thing is behind us! Love you guys! What? Nothin'! 911 operator.
What's your emergency? My babysitter is sick.
His face is big.
He ate a peanut.
Okay, honey.
Is he breathing? He's scared of peanuts.
I'm sorry.
Did you say, "he's scared of peanuts"? I am not! Can you tell me your address? I'm almost six.
Doug? Hmm? I'm wiped.
I am going up.
Ok.
Good night.
Ow! You shocked me.
Ok, I've been shocked before.
It doesn't hurt that much.
Take her down a notch.
Ow! What a bastard! Why'd you do that? I don't know.
For kicks.
Oh, all right.
It's on.
Oh, yeah? You wanna bring it? Come on.
You got nothin'.
I got big feet.
What's up? What's up? Yeah, yeah.
Oh yeah, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Yow! Good night.
Good night.
My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Thanks for dinner, kel'.
Yeah, it was great, baby.
Here, I'll help you, sweetie.
So, Kirby.
Word on the street is that you're havin' a birthday next week.
How old you gonna be? What? 40? 41? You know what else I heard on the street? That Carrie and I might be gettin' you the best birthday gift ever.
What is it? Ah, I could tell you, but then I gotta kill you.
You're gonna kill me? No, no, no.
No, it was just a joke, Kirby.
It was a joke.
Look--look, Spence will be here any minute.
Why don't you go get some toys ready for you guys to play with tonight, ok? Ok.
All right.
I'm not gonna kill you.
Would you leave it alone? I will.
I'm just not gonna kill him, and I want him to know it.
Hey, you guys, um, Kelly and I were thinking, instead of going to the movies like we always do, how about we go salsa dancing? What' re you tryin' to prove? I told you, Kelly! Let's get goin'.
Spence is here.
Hello.
Hey.
The baby-sitter's on the clock! Ka-kung! The spencinator's here! Oh, there he is! Ok, now that the spencinator has come to our rescue, let's get going.
Bye, Kirby.
Be good.
Hey, car', drive with me so we can keep talking.
Ok.
Bye, you guys.
He's your babysitter? You couldn't get a hot 16-year-old girl, like normal people? No.
Spence and Kirby really like each other.
Oh, really? That's great.
They still behind us? Yep.
Our wives have very different-sized heads.
Carrie, a little small.
Kelly, a little big.
But they pull it off.
See, now, if they switched heads, see, that wouldn't work at all.
Yeah.
But if they did switch heads, who would you go home with? I think you go with the head.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, you know what's comin' up? That strip club.
The coconut tiger.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's actually kind of near my route, so every afternoon, I go a little out of my way to drive by.
See, when the door is open, you can catch a little somethin'-somethin'.
Huh.
Informative.
Oh, and there it is.
The door is open.
Mmm-hmm.
Whoa.
Huh? What the hell? Hit best friend's car.
Can't look right at them.
Everybody ok? Yeah, we're fine.
Nice going, Doug.
What happened? Sorry.
It's just I was, uh I was, uh, reaching for a fig Newton, and I took my eyes off the road for a second, a fig Newton? That's all.
You had half a cheesecake at Deacon and Kelly's not 15 minutes ago.
Yeah.
15 minutes ago.
It's not so bad.
It's just a busted taillight and a little dent.
Yeah, you know what? And our car looks fine.
Don't worry, guys.
We'll pay for the damage.
Yeah, totally.
It's no biggie.
It's cool.
What you got there, kel'? What is that? A camera? Oh, this? My dad always said to take a You know, whenever there is an accident.
Wow, that came up pretty fast.
What, you got that thing strapped to your leg, or something? Hey, while--while the camera's out, um, how about one with me and Doug? Ok.
Here, uh, whoops.
That's hilarious.
Yeah.
Well, if we still want to make that movie, we should-- we should just get going.
Yeah.
I hate it when we're late.
You don't want to be late to the movies.
You're late, you never get to your seat on time.
There's a guy in front of you, he's wearing a hat, and Pfft.
I'm tired.
Oh.
Oh.
No one's ever beaten the spencinator, and they still haven't.
Ha! Spencinator, are you the strongest man in the world? Well, the world's a pretty big place, but maybe.
I'm hungry.
What do you want to eat, little man? Peanut butter and jelly.
Oh, well, ok, I'm sorry.
I can't make that because I'm allergic to peanuts, but, uh, how about a nice grilled cheese sandwich instead? What's allergic? Aller-allergic? Well, uh, that means that if--if I so much as touch a peanut, or peanut butter, or anything that even has little bits of peanuts in it, my body says, "I don't like this.
" And then my throat gets really small.
My head gets really big.
Let me see.
Well, that's not gonna happen, pal.
But what's the verdict on that grilled cheese sandwich, huh? Yay or nay? You're scared of peanuts.
Ok, I'm not scared of peanuts, I'm just allergic.
You're scared of peanuts.
You're scared of peanuts.
No, I'm not.
You're scared of peanuts.
Ok, stop it.
Ahh.
Whew.
How great is a booth? I mean, tables are fine, but a booth is like a vacation for your ass.
So, this is nice.
with you guys.
Yeah, and tonight, we didn't even ram you.
Well, there's always the drive home.
You know, speaking of ramming us, uh, we brought the quote for the work on the car so you can give it to your insurance guy.
Oh, good, good, although we weren't gonna go through our insurance.
Oh, really? No, I have so many violations, if we make another claim, they might drop us.
But the good news is, now we have a free pop at a stranger's car.
Hi, road rage.
Welcome back, old friend.
Wow.
What can I get for you folks? You happen to have $1,181 I could borrow? Sweet mama.
We're gonna need a few minutes.
Sure.
Look, I know it's a little more than we thought, but, um, it turns out the bumper was pretty screwed up, an-and underneath, near the axle, see, there was this other thing.
It's all right there, see? Signed by Rory.
So, you got this quote from the dealership, huh? Uh, yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
Just so you know, they always charge more at the dealership.
You know, you're paying for the frills, the coffee and the doughnuts and whatnot.
It's like, you know what? I'll bring my own coffee, thank you.
Just don't charge me up the wazoo.
Exactly.
Exactly.
But, you know, whatever.
Well, it's just that we've used them before, and they do really good work, you know? Uh, you know who else does a really good job is our guy over at I.
P.
S.
, Eddie, and I bet you he'd charge, like, half of this.
Yeah.
The--the thing is, the dealership is authorized.
Oh, no, it's cool.
It's cool.
I mean, we do drive on Eddie's work every day of our lives, but, you know, if he's not authorized, he's not authorized.
Whatever that means.
Yeah, but, the thing is, uh, our kids ride in that car, so we really want the work done right.
Yeah, the kids, right.
That's some precious cargo right there.
Well, you could always go through insurance.
Like we said, no can do.
Right.
Right.
So, uh, Eddie, nothin'? Oh, no.
No.
No.
It's all good.
It's all good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what? We'll just, uh, we'll just write a check.
Old checky.
R-r-rip.
Oh, you went for the dolphins on your check.
Oh.
What? W-well, actually, it's $1,181.
What'd I write? Oh, you wrote $1,118.
But you know what? I-it's no big deal.
No, no, no, no.
That's fine, you know.
We'll just write out another check.
No problem.
It's cool.
It's cool.
Hmm.
Think I'm getting onion rings.
Well, that was a creepy little dinner we had with our "best friends.
" You really learn something about people when you plow into their car.
They had to go to the dealership.
"Our kids ride in that car.
" Like all of a sudden she's "mother of the year.
" Meanwhile, she leaves her kids with Spence.
Ok.
And she left 'em with us once.
You know, it's like, "hello, social services.
" And another thing, we give 'em a $1,200 check, and when the bill comes, Deacon, who had a soup, and a Margarita, and the sizzling entree, says, "hey, let's split it.
" Split it? Total gyp! Here's the deal, honey.
You know, the next time we go out with them, I am removing all your limits.
You eat until they have to cut you out of the restaurant.
Start fittin' me for a piano box.
This is so typical.
You remember, a few weeks ago I lent Kelly that scarf? She never gave it back.
I mean, it was ugly, but still-- whoa, wait a second.
Didn't I give you that scarf? This isn't about me.
What is up with those 2? It's unbelievable.
We do them a favor by not going through insurance, and they make it out like we're the bad guys, here? And did you see that look on his face when I said: "Let's split the bill"? Like we haven't been on the losing end of that one for 7 years.
And look at this check.
Dolphins? Like she gives 2 craps about nature.
Yeah, well, those dolphins are about to swim right into our a.
T.
M.
Machine.
That's right.
Give it up.
Kirby, I'm not gonna go through this again with you tonight.
Oh, ok.
Kirby, it's time to brush your teeth and go to bed.
No.
I'm eating peanuts, and you can't stop me.
Ok, come on.
No.
Kirby, hey! That's not-- Kirby, that's not funny.
Kirby, there's peanut dust in the air now, all right? Kirb--Kirby, stop.
Kirby, the spencinator commands you stop.
You're not the spencinator, you're the scaredinator.
The scare-- oh, there is so no such thing.
Is too.
Is not.
Scaredinator.
I'm not the scaredinator.
Eat a peanut.
I can't.
Then you're not the spencinator, and I don't want you to come here anymore.
All right.
Kirby, I'm gonna level with you, ok? I live a small life.
I work in the subway.
I've been held up at 17 gunpoint times, and--and twice with a finger.
Ok, I don't have a lot of friends, and the ones that I do have, make sport of my many deficiencies.
Most prominently, my unusually wide hips.
So, when you started thinking that I was a superhero, you know, it--it meant a lot to me.
And--and I just What I'm trying to say is, I need to be the spencinator as badly as you need me to be the spencinator.
So, let's not let a little thing like a peanut, ruin that, huh? You with me, kiddo? Scaredinator.
Hey, baby.
I'm running a little late, here.
Oh, and f.
Y.
I.
, I used your toothbrush by mistake.
Ooh.
Who you oohing about? We're married.
Then why'd you say anything? You must have thought you did something wrong.
No.
I just thought you had a right to know.
So sorry my mouth repulses you.
Well, it does.
You want some breakfast, or something? You know what, I'm just gonna grab a pop-tart and eat it in the car.
Ah! Ah! No, no, no.
Last time you ate in the car, you cost us $1,200.
Also known as half our bank account.
Remember your little fig Newton? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I got news for you, Jackson.
You are banned from eating in any car, ever, for life.
Ok, you know what? You can't ban me.
I'll just grab another one and that's-- all right, give--give me the pop-tart.
No.
I'm serious, Doug.
You're done.
That's it.
Ok.
Here's the thing.
I wasn't actually reaching for a fig Newton when we had the accident.
I was-- I was trying to get a look at a strip club, so let's not blame an innocent fig Newton.
A strip club? What can you possibly see from the street? It just so happens that I saw a nipple, ok? Actually, it--it might have been a light switch or a thing on a guy's neck, but I'd like to think it was a nipple.
So you smashed our car and mortgaged our future just to see a light switch that kind of looked like a nipple? Deacon told me to look, so I looked, ok? Wait.
Wait a minute.
Deacon--Deacon told you to look? Pretty much, yeah.
Well, that's an interesting little tidbit.
How come you didn't tell me that before? 'Cause I didn't want a pop-tart before.
What difference does it make anyway? It makes a big difference.
It means the accident wasn't all your fault.
Carrie, I was still driving.
Are you familiar with the law, Doug? Only what I've learned from judge mills Lane.
Well, I happen to be a secretary at a major law firm, and d'you know what that means? Deacon made you look, so he's at fault, too.
It's called chain of causation, and it is a legal fact.
Chain of causation.
Huh.
So do you think it's fair that we pay for the whole thing? No, I do not, and I will talk to my friend Deacon when I get to work.
Now give me the pop-tart before I eat my own hand.
Hey, man.
Hey.
I-I'm a little short here.
You got a quarter on you? Thanks.
So did you get the car fixed yet? Uh, it's in the shop right now.
Ah, great.
Great.
I know, it's crazy, that accident.
El accidente.
Crazy how the whole thing happened.
Isn't it? I guess.
I mean, there I am driving along, eyes on the road, hands 10 and 2, you know, you tell me to look over at that strip club, so I look over, and Actually, it's almost like because you told me to look over, you're kind of partially to blame here.
That's kind of nutty, huh? I'm not partially to blame.
I never told you to look.
Well, you yelled, "whoa.
" Whoa is the same as "hey, look," especially when it comes to boobies.
I didn't yell, "whoa.
" I said it to myself.
Nah.
No, you said it like, "whoa!" It wasn't "whoa!" It was more like: Whoa.
Whatever.
The point is the whoa was clearly to attract my attention.
You're out of your mind, man.
Maybe, but you know what it sounds like to me? It sounds like a textbook case of chain of causation.
Chain of causation.
What is that, a legal term, Doug? That's what it is, yeah.
What does it mean? Well, what it means, is that you're the link in the chain that caused me to take my eyes off the road.
Chain of causation.
Right.
So what are you gonna do? Sue me? Well, I don't think it'll come to that.
Good.
Because I don't, uh, think you would want Kelly to find out that you go out of your way every day to drive by and look inside a strip club.
You know my marriage is still a little shaky, and you would mess with that just to collect a few dollars for an accident that you caused? Is that what you want to do, Doug? Is that how much you want to hurt me? No.
Hey, honey.
Hey, so how'd it go with Deacon? I tried.
I got nothin'.
Well, did--did you bring up the chain of causation? Yeah.
He didn't go for it.
Huh.
Actually, I, um, I talked to one of the lawyers at work today, and it turns out that I, uh, I got it pretty wrong.
Mmm.
Ok, well, we tried.
Damn it.
You know what I bet you they're doin' right now? They're sittin' there with their fixed car and safe kids, wearing my scarf, just laughing at us.
Well, their little party's about to end.
Hi.
Remember that scarf I lent you? I'm gonna need it back.
Thanks.
Oh, I--I meant to give that to you.
Ok.
Here.
I had it dry-cleaned.
Oh, did you? That was very sweet.
Thank you.
Ok, Kirby.
What's Kirby-ish? I'm Kirby.
I'm turnin' 6.
What do I want? Here.
Get him this.
He'll love it.
Ok.
That's a pricing gun.
Well, honey, I don't know.
Just pick something.
I want to get out of here.
Well, we gotta get him something nice.
I told him we'd get him something nice.
Well, I'm sorry.
It's hard to pick out a great gift for a kid whose parents bitch-slapped you out of everything you have in checking.
Well, we probably shouldn't take it out on Kirby.
He didn't do anything to us.
He's their evil spawn.
Ok.
You-you're lookin' a lot like this right now.
That's what I'm gettin' from you, ok? I'm gettin' this.
Ok? All right, look, the point is we--we hit their car.
All right, and we paid for the damage.
That's all that really happened.
No.
She also dry-cleaned my scarf against my will.
Look.
I have tickets to the knick game this Saturday, and I really want to go with Deacon.
Actually, Deacon has the tickets.
I just want to go.
The point is, I--I just want to be friends with them again, don't you? Yeah, I do.
I just-- I just-- can't get past this.
I-I-it's like losing all your money in Atlantic city.
You know it's not their fault, but you still want to burn the place down.
Shh.
We're not gonna burn anybody down.
Fine.
I'll let it go.
Or not.
Look what we have here.
I'm glad this whole accident thing is behind us! Love you guys! What? Nothin'! 911 operator.
What's your emergency? My babysitter is sick.
His face is big.
He ate a peanut.
Okay, honey.
Is he breathing? He's scared of peanuts.
I'm sorry.
Did you say, "he's scared of peanuts"? I am not! Can you tell me your address? I'm almost six.