Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s04e05 Episode Script

How long's Foggy been away? Four days.
When's he due back? Oh, about ten days.
Stop whittling.
He's only just got there.
Supposing he marries her.
Then she'll have to excel at knot-tying and map-reading.
He'd better watch out.
Don't panic! They just hold hands.
Is that all? It gives them both the illusion of romance without any of the disadvantages of actually spending their lives together.
Ow! I wish I'd just kept my legs together.
It's all right.
Oh! It was good of you to push my mother-in-law.
I don't know why we've come all this way to stare at ducks, I don't really.
It's lovely out here, Nan.
When you've seen one duck you've seen them all, specially from behind.
I always think it's romantic out here.
What are you thinking of, staring out over the water with your soulful English eyes? I was wondering, if we took the brake off your mother-in-law, would the water completely cover her chair? Come again! I think it's a great idea.
Ivy's got to visit her sister in Wales.
We could drive her down and leave her at her sister's for what, 12, 15 months? Just a few hours will do, thank you.
We could drop her at her sister's and the three of us carry on the extra few miles, collect Foggy.
We could even spend the day with him and get my little woman here safely back.
(But not necessarily before closing time.
) What are you driving me in? In the van.
Oh, no, you're not! I'm not turning up at our Maureen's, being dropped off like a sack of spuds from that ratty old van.
You can sit in the front.
Oh, thank you very much! I can have the best spot, can I? Over the sunshine floor.
Almost the last of the convertibles, our van.
The roof stays put but you can slide back the floor damn near everywhere.
Why don't we hire a car? Oh, well, I just thought I'd throw it in as an idea.
They're coming to collect me on Wednesday.
They've hired a car.
That's nice, love, I'd like to meet your friends.
Ah, perhaps I ought to tell you about one of them.
He's a bit Oh, poor dove.
He's quite happy.
That's nice.
He's perfectly happy.
It's just the rest of us he makes miserable.
What can you do? We're lumbered with him.
You know how it is, you can't have him put down.
Good heavens, no! I know, we made inquiries.
Whatever you do, keep your eyes above his belt.
I'll try.
It's never advisable to look too closely at his trousers.
I couldn't anyway, love.
Not without my reading glasses.
It's just that he's a bit careless about his buttons.
When I say careless, I mean criminally negligent.
Try not to scream if you see anything move inside his trousers.
He keeps ferrets in his pocket.
I think the worst thing for a stranger is when he tries to feed them.
Don't worry, love.
I'm a widow, not a shy young girl like yourself.
We shall have to keep him away from your late husband's mother.
Where is she? Having a lie-down.
She likes to close here eyes and sharpen her tongue in darkness.
What can you do? You can't have them put down! She doesn't like me.
She's an old woman, love, give her time.
If she's an old woman, how much more time has she got? She could have years yet.
That's true.
Gwen, are you there? Are you there? Yes, Nan, I'm here.
What are you doing? A bit of gardening, love.
Hey! This is a bit of all right, Cleggy.
I wonder how far she'll go.
Don't interrupt him while he's concentrating.
He doesn't know where all the switches are yet.
It's not the first car I've driven, you know.
CRUNCHES GEARS That's the trouble with these hired cars.
Some damned idiot's been confusing his gears.
After this next car, Clegg, there's a gap after this next car.
It's all right, I can see it.
Put your foot down, Cleggy.
Some fool's assembled this gear box back to front.
Some fool's assembled you back to front.
Look, after we've scraped that garage attendant off the pavement, why don't we go by bus? DOOR OPENS Where've you been? We've just had a slow motion nightmare.
Sshh! Isn't he a good driver? Good? I've never seen anyone take so much care.
Oh, aye, it takes him I'm not going if he's not a good driver.
Do you think I'd let you go with anyone who wasn't a good driver? Why don't you drive? He's hired it.
You mean you want to get tanked up while I'm at Maureen's.
Sometimes, I get this impression you don't actually trust me.
Would you like it in writing? Mind you, it's only an impression.
There's nothing I could put my finger on, which is not a bad description of our love life.
Did you lock that back door? I Oh! Ay-up, here come Speedy Gonzalez.
It's just a matter of familiarising oneself with the controls.
Oh, aye, so we can go hurtling past parked cars at 7mph.
Keep your voice down.
Try and think positively.
We don't want any last minute changes of plans, do we? Don't we? A, Ivy would be terribly disappointed That's true.
.
.
and, B, I'd kill you.
It's always interesting to hear the other person's point of view.
I'm not too confident at the wheel.
My driving style belongs to an earlier age.
A sort of quaint, ye olde English early suicidal.
Proprietor, have we time for a cup of tea and some thin buttered toast before we head for the open road? Not really! Oh! Ay-up, that's looking very tasty, Ivy.
You know, I get this sudden urge sometimes, to run off with a married woman.
You're not running off with me! See, she won't even consider it.
I like your hat, Ivy.
You know, normally I've always thought of your Ivy as a non-starter when it came to the romantic stakes.
She stomps about here in her apron full of gob.
It's like being in the hospital.
Suddenly she is transformed.
I can tell you, if I were an oil sheikh, I'd have one like her on my domestic team.
A good solid lass that can hold a tackle.
Oh! I could spend the rest of my life fixing your seatbelt.
Give us a kiss.
Go away! Get in the car.
Let's be on our way.
What are you hiding in there for? I think it's everybody's duty to avoid an accident.
You'll be all right by the time you've gone a few miles.
It'll all come back to you.
You can't go through life just thinking about yourself.
I bet if you work on it, it's possible.
What about me? A few stolen moments off the leash.
We paid for the car.
I was hoping to get round some of those Welsh barmaids.
All right.
Don't go to pieces.
I suppose I'd best do it if you plan to use your time so productively.
Come on, Cleggy, get your finger out.
Come on! We don't want to get behind schedule.
Here, get your finger off Llandudno.
You've left chocolate finger marks.
I thought it was a range of mountains.
You are lost, aren't you? Come on, come on, admit it.
You are lost! No, I am not lost entirely.
I just wanted to calculate the most appropriate route.
I've got this car sickness feeling.
Quite magical.
You missed your chip van! He's not fit to drive.
I'm fit because I've paid.
There's a book of road maps here.
Don't spoil our fun, Ivy.
It's more exciting by Ordnance Survey.
Let me know, Ivy, if you want me to adjust your chastity belt.
Get out! We've got to get ourselves orientated.
Come on! We've got to line it up until the north of this map coincides with the north in reality.
Welsh north? It's the same north.
A land of thin sliced ham and eternal lettuce.
We had a kid in the army what was Welsh.
War does these things to people.
The Jerries took him prisoner.
They wouldn't know he wasn't English.
Will you grab hold of the map? You too, Sidney.
Come on! Now move it around.
Where is this road you keep rabbiting about? Well, we've got to find the sun.
At this time of the day, north will be almost opposite the sun.
What, down there? You mean north is down past me wellies? Kindly humour me by rotating the map.
'Ay! When you look at men, 'is it any wonder that some women prefer miniature poodles?' Stand still! This is almost better than knowing where we are.
Twist the map gently.
There it is! I've seen it.
Bangalore! We go straight on for three miles to the next major road and then we turn left.
Oh, they're very late.
I'd have thought Sid could have kept them on schedule.
They can be handled, provided you always treated it as an exercise in the art of escorting prisoners.
The scruffy one needs a very firm hand.
The trouble with him is, there are so very few places you'd care to put it.
What are you looking for? Oh, she wants her music.
She can't find the tune her grandfather wrote.
Oh, what a pity.
Oh, it'll be here somewhere.
Oh, that's a relief.
Perhaps they won't have brought him.
Oh no, they will have brought him, you can't get rid of him.
Oh God, he will be worth 1,000 votes to the Welsh Nationalists.
BANGING By gum, she's got the rhythm, hasn't she? And she does that entirely by ear.
Yes, Nan, what is it, love? INDISTINCT VOICE She says there's a car.
Oh, it's them.
They're here.
Look, go go and head her off before the scruffy one gets out of the car.
I'm telling you, it's that one next door.
Ignore him, Clegg, it's the one you've just left.
Will you make up your mind? Eh-up, now then, Foggy! You're under observation.
Try and talk without opening your mouth.
Never thought I'd see you like this, Foggy, in Wales.
Stay in your seats, don't let HIM out.
Quite an enjoyable run, really.
You got any beer in, Foggy? I could murder a pint.
Look at him, couldn't you have got him done up a bit? Well, we were only coming for the day, it hardly seemed worthwhile.
I had a wash.
Don't let him get out.
And don't look now, but you're being observed from an upstairs window.
Cor! That bird of yours, Foggy.
She's horrible! She is a bit unsightly.
That happens to be her mother-in-law.
Now, Clegg, I'd like you to get this vehicle in off the street.
Just reverse it into that driveway and that should take us nicely out of her line of vision.
Say no more.
It's not a very wide drive, Foggy.
Well, don't panic, man, perfectly simple manoeuvre.
Not to worry, Foggy, he should be able to hit that space between them gates.
I mean, after all, he hit that cyclist and you should've seen how small he was! Here, I've got it now.
Oh, God.
I can't see You see, I can't see the pavement.
Put a bit more snap into it, Clegg, in front of all these Celts.
Damn it, there's a pair of eyes behind every curtain.
I thought your friends were here.
They've been here.
And there, and there.
And there.
And there.
He's a bit heavy footed, isn't he? Not a natural on the organ, that one, I shouldn't think.
Steady, Cleggy, steady.
Ah, yes, well, the trick is, plenty of left hand down, throttle and clutch, throttle and clutch, there we are.
All over somebody's front garden.
D'you think Foggy's trying to tell us something? You can see what Foggy thinks of your driving.
That is a wicked slander.
The man is merely in the grip of some powerful emotion.
We English are not as reserved as the world pretends.
If there's anything we can do to help, Foggy, don't hesitate to ask.
Yes.
You can get your damned vehicle off my foot! Get it off! Well, it is good to see you.
I had a terrible drive with those three lunatics.
I don't think I've seen you since I papered the lounge.
There was one fool driving and another set behind me breathing in me ear.
I hope you like pale mustard.
Wanting to adjust my safety belt.
There's always a question of how far you dare go with the carpet.
Mind you, mine's just as vague and useless.
It's a shag pile.
Aren't they all? Didn't he go a funny colour? If he'd asked me to drive on his foot, I'd never have hit it! I'll say this for Foggy, he might act a bit Tory, but when the chips are down he can swear as good as me any time! I thought a lot of it was unnecessary, especially in a built-up area.
There was somebody playing the organ.
All the time Foggy was uttering that colloquial Anglo-Saxon, there was someone upstairs playing the organ.
The Welsh can put anything to music! The ambulance is on its way.
Ambulance! It's funnier than we thought it was! Foggy, Foggy, are you going to have it off? No, get off, get off, be careful, get away.
It's a real treat, watching him being so brave.
You've already crushed it to a pulp, I don't want it twisting off.
No, I think you should wait and have it seen to properly in hospital.
Yeah, under anaesthetic, I agree.
Be brave, love.
What's he got to be brave about? He's only got a bruised foot! Mind you, they said that about Long John Silver and look what happened to him.
Oh, ah, ooh, ow! I don't think there's anything broken.
What makes you say that? Well, nobody made me say it, I just threw it in.
Mind you, there's no reason why you shouldn't have a second opinion.
Come on, wiggle your toes before rigor mortis sets in.
Oh, no, oh! Yes, try, love, I'll hold your hand.
Is tea ready, then? Don't you be holding hands.
Well, it's only sympathy, Nan, he's been injured.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
In pain, is he? It's agony, madam.
Oh, there's a pity.
Can he wiggle his toes, then? D'oh! Oh! Oh, ooh, ah! I never hear when anything interesting happens.
This damned stick.
It's nearly opening time.
We're not gonna spend all day watching him wiggle his toes.
Can you wiggle it? I think you ought to try, really.
Will it hurt? Oh, yes.
He is inclined to put his foot in it.
Or under it! Nice fella, nobody likes him! Too bossy.
Yeah, never stops, he's always talking about the Army.
I tell you, if he marries your Gwen, he'll have for doing everything by numbers.
Oh, you make me laugh.
More than that fella in there does, I can tell you.
Look at you, the English have neglected you.
Aye.
I'm all alone, except for young Archie.
Your son? Me ferret.
But it's not the same as the company of a woman.
I need somebody to share me fireside, to put a shilling in me gas meter.
I want to see a pair of corsets hanging over the end of me bed.
Ooh! You're cheeky.
Ah ha! Now, look, look after this lady until they finish with me and keep her well away from him with that ferret in his trousers.
Oh, he hasn't brought his ferret with him, Foggy.
Well, in that case, keep her even further away.
You may proceed, driver.
Fingerprints I had already, but tyre prints were courtesy of that unforgettable sequence known as the Clegg reverse turn.
Well, it's been a memorable day, from that damned first sensation of disbelief when you see this hired car passing over your sock.
Stop.
Rug, rug.
Oh, my God.
Look, I want you never to do that again.
I'd forgotten how spectacular is the sight of him bending down.
Face him round behind me.
Let the Welsh have the benefit of it.
Let them make what they can of that little welcome in that little hillside.
Well, come on, move on.
I don't know what the old woman saw in you.
I hope it wasn't that.
Well, don't jog me.
Try to think of it as the flatsies and let's have a bit less of this over the sticks.
Well, come along, come along, I want to see the pond.
Ah! Oh! Oh! D'you know, I'm glad he's asleep, I didn't realise he was so heavy.
It's this Welsh gravity.
Is it? Oh, yes.
The Welsh tend to weigh very heavy for their size.
Are you sure? Oh, yes.
They wear out piano stools quicker than the English.
Of course they're mountain folk, basically.
Oh, you mean like goats.
I think so.
Especially if they play rugby.
You know, you never find anything worthwhile in a cast off fag packet.
You keep looking, though, don't ya? Oh, aye.
When you look closely at life, it makes you wonder how it is that Foggy is heading for the pond.
You shouldn't have let him go.
I should turn, or something, Foggy.
Watch your head, Foggy.
You're a fine one to be giving that sort of advice.
Mind your foot, Foggy! Ah! Hup! SCREAMING AND SHOUTING Shall I have a fish cake as well or will that be mostly potato? It'll still go down in great mouthfuls.
It's like watching men forking hay through a barn door.
Foggy's been in a foul mood since we brought him back from Wales.
Well, you know why.
Why? Well, if you'd married the old lady and he'd married the other one, that would've made you his father-in-law! LAUGHTER Oh, listen, son, would you like to bring your dear old dad another plate of chips? You shouldn't go wandering, Foggy.
Malcolm Ramsdale never found true happiness with all his restless wanderings.
Why, where did he go? Upper Gledfield Street.
How do they get fish just the right size for this batter?